MADISON ON THE AIR: “CANDY MATSON, YUKON 2-8209”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: AUGUST 2021
SCENE ONE
CANDY
Hello. YUkon 2-8209… Yes, this is Candy Matson.
MADISON
O.M.G. you guys!!! This is super exciting. Did you know there actually was an old timey show with a female detective? Like, not a sidekick or a Girl Friday, she’s actually the lead. Candy Matson is a former model turned private eye who’s fashionable and classy and totes outsmarts the men. The show is set in San Francisco and– It’s our Christmas episode! Curl up by the fire and grab some egg nog as I join Candy Matson in the episode entitled, “Jack Frost.” Candy, can I just say, this is ah-mazing. You’re the first detective I’ve ever met to take me on a shopping spree.
CANDY
Shopping is how I unwind… and unburden my heavy wallet.
MADISON
Okay, I just had major goose bumps. That only happens when I find a kindred spirit… or get aroused which, right now, could be a combination of both.
MYRA
Candy! Candy, over here!
CANDY
Why, Myra Fisher! What are you doing here in a department store with work clothes on?
MADISON
Versus her work clothes… off? She a stripper?
MYRA
I work here, dear. I’m a wage slave.
MADISON
Girl, same. The only thing that gets me through it is being able to cry in the walk-in freezer.
CANDY
Oh, Myra, this is Madison Standish.
MYRA
Nice to meet you.
MADISON
I know you don’t have a walk-in freezer in a department store, but I bet a dressing room would work just as well.
CANDY
Well, I haven’t seen you in some time, Myra. Just what do you “slave at” here?
MYRA
I am the newly appointed head of advertising and promotion.
MADISON
Hey! That’s better than cashier. Which I did one year during winter break at “Forever 21.” Women over 40 really need to stop taking the name of that store literally.
CANDY
Well, that sounds impressive, Myra. Do you like the position?
MYRA
Oh, absolutely. I mean, it has been a bit of a bumpy start. Some of my ad copy was changed before it went to the printers, a false story found its way to the newspaper… All an adjustment, I guess.
CANDY
Good assistants are hard to find.
MADISON
I think you mean, “good salaries for good assistants” are hard to find. Don’t get me started on the minimum wage debate until you’ve had to steal toilet paper from work because you couldn’t afford to buy it.
MYRA
Funny you would mention assistants, Candy. Am I in a pickle.
CANDY
Is this a department store or a delicatessen?
MYRA
Could you spare a moment and step outside to talk with me?
CANDY
Sure, Myra, we’ve got some time. And wipe that frown from off your brow, it’s wrinkling your makeup.
MADISON
Her wrinkles are wrinkling her makeup. There comes a time in every woman’s life when she needs to consider bangs.
MYRA
Well, you’d have wrinkles, too, if you had a missing Santa Claus helper on your hands!
MADISON
Department store Santa Claus gig? If children are supposed to be magical and wonderful, why do all the jobs working with them completely suck?
SCENE TWO
CANDY
All right, Myra, you’ve smuggled us into the loading dock. Do you think you’ll find Jack Frost out here?
MYRA
I didn’t want to be overheard by the heads of the company. You think I’m fooling about this Jack Frost thing, don’t you, Candy?
CANDY
Well, now, look, dear, we all have our little peccadilloes. Yours just merely happens to be a missing Jack Frost. You’ll get over it.
MADISON
You need to take this seriously, Candy. If movies have taught me anything, Jack Frost is a murdering snow mutant with a lust to kill. He’s got to be found!
MYRA
Please, Candy, I need your help.
MADISON
You clearly need help. I show up to one Disney Princess birthday party drunk and I lose my job. But, oh, by all means, let’s hire the evil murderous snowman to entertain the kiddies!
CANDY
Madison, “Jack Frost is the gent with the icicles who talks to tiny tots.
MADISON
You people are depraved.
MYRA
We had a Santa Claus helper here for almost a month, and a darn good one. The kids were crazy about him. This morning, he didn’t show.
CANDY
Well, you don’t suppose Jackie-boy got in the mood and caught the Christmas spirit, do you? The kind that comes in pints? Maybe he’s passed out behind one of these fragrant dumpsters.
MYRA
No, he wasn’t that sort of Joe.
MADISON
Was that a shot at me? Because I really think with Cinderella’s abusive upbringing, it’s completely within her character to down some everclear before going to a party.
CANDY
Your answer’s simple, Myra, hire a new one.
MYRA
They’re hired through an agency. I called the one we do business with and they’re fresh out of Jack Frost.
MADISON
Um, obvious answer for Santa’s helpers? Elves? I mean between “Jack Frost” horror movies and that Michael Keaton one… oh Batman, how far you’ve fallen… Elves are definitely way more kid friendly.
MYRA
Well, the brass wants a Jack Frost. I’m still in my probationary period. I can’t let them down or I’ll lose this job for sure. Candy, won’t you help me?
CANDY
Well, I don’t want you to think I’m unsympathetic, Myra, but what can I do?
MYRA
You know people. Find me somebody — anybody — who’ll take over the job of being Jack Frost.
MADISON
This feels like the moment in a sitcom where they’d do a flash cut to one of us dressed as Jack Frost.
CANDY
Oh, don’t worry about that happening. Well, unless they recast the role as Jacquline Frost.
MADISON
And now they’d cut to Jack Frost as a woman and kids getting all snotty “You’re not the real Jack Frost!”
CANDY
Why don’t you and I just go find a new Jack Frost?
MADISON
I might be willing to do a sexy elf. I have a costume. Oh… no. I forgot. Not kid appropriate. That elf would make Cardi B blush.
SCENE THREE
CANDY
Our first stop is to see my friendly advisor, Rembrandt Watson. If anyone can help us find a Jack Frost, it’ll be Rembrandt.
MADISON
Rembrandt? He the lost Ninja Turtle?
CANDY
He’s a photographer, and excellent, too… now that he doesn’t have the sherry shivers or the port palsies.
MADISON
Oh… recovering alcoholic? Yeah, that’s probably gonna be me in my forties. But until then, I’m good with denial.
CANDY
Here I am with all of my Christmas shopping left to do and I agree to find a substitute Jack Frost.
MADISON
Life before Amazon. I’ve literally done my Christmas shopping while sitting on the toilet at work.
CANDY
What?
MADISON
Don’t waste your breaks. Just shut yourself up in a stall in the bathroom and you’re still on company time. My tip to you.
REMBRANDT
Candy, dove, how delightful. Do come in, won’t you? And who is this extraordinary creature?
CANDY
Rembrandt, I’d like you to meet Madison Standish.
MADISON
S’up.
REMBRANDT
A pleasure beyond words, dear lady. Oh, pet, you’re acquainted with my friend Diogenes Murphy, aren’t you?
CANDY
Hello again, Mr. Murphy.
DIOGENES
Why, good afternoon. Charming as always I see, Miss Matson?
MADISON
O.M.G., Candy! You have a gay best friend! A female detective and a gay best friend! Are you sure this is 1949, because it’s really starting to feel like a 90’s rom com.
REMBRANDT
Why, what a strange notion from such a… tiny little thing.
CANDY
Madison, don’t be daft! Rembrandt is… theatrical.
DIOGENES
Flamboyant.
CANDY
A confirmed bachelor.
REMBRANDT
An artiste!
MADISON
Hey, I think it’s great. You guys had like, 92 episodes. Gives me a little more respect for audiences back then.
REMBRANDT
So, Candy, what brings you here unannounced?
DIOGENES
Not that you were interrupting anything important.
MADISON
How long have you two been dating?
DIOGENES
What?!
REMBRANDT
Candy…
CANDY
I didn’t mean to barge in on you like this, Rembrandt.
DIOGENES
I think I should be on my way now. Rembrandt and I were only discussing the situation of the wharf.
MADISON
That a gay bar?
REMBRANDT
Candy!
MADISON
What? This is San Francisco.
DIOGENES
Eh… good-day… er.. good-bye… er… good heavens.
MADISON
He’s a cutie.
REMBRANDT
Yes, I’m very fond of Diogenes. What brings you around this way, my dears?
CANDY
Jack Frost.
REMBRANDT
Well, apart from the occasional nip at my nose, I’m not very well acquainted with the man.
CANDY
I’ll give you the pocket-sized edition. The Brownstone Department Store is without a Santa Claus helper, Jack Frost. He didn’t show up for work this morning. I said I’d find them a new one.
MADISON
Elves still make more sense to me. Even in the Rankin/Bass special, Jack Frost was kind of a creeper.
REMBRANDT
Well, it was very sweet of you to offer to help, dove. But where do I come in?
CANDY
Don’t you keep a cross file on models you’ve used in photography?
REMBRANDT
As a matter of fact I do. Here, in this little book. Let’s see. Men… thin…
MADISON
Ooo! Can I see that?
REMBRANDT
Be my guest.
MADISON
This is like old school Tinder. Swipe left… swipe left… Ooo. Hello. Swipe right. This guy, Pietro Taratello. My team or yours?
REMBRANDT
Candy…?
CANDY
Rembrandt, what’s this?
REMBRANDT
What’s what, dear?
CANDY
On that chair next to you.
REMBRANDT
Oh, that’s the afternoon paper, dove. Diogenes left it, I imagine.
MADISON
How ’bout this guy? That’s a jawline even Henry Cavill would envy.
CANDY
Look, there– Why, it’s the whole story about the missing Jack Frost right here on the front page. Mmmm, what he got in his Christmas stocking. A slug through the head.
REMBRANDT
That’s no way to treat Jack Frost.
MADISON
Depends which Jack Frost. Serial killer mutant Jack Frost or Martin Short Jack Frost. Actually, “Santa Clause 3” was so bad… yeah, I’m okay with it being either one.
CANDY
And here’s a picture of the guy — without his false icicles.
REMBRANDT
What a ham. Looks like he stepped right out of an 1890 Shakespearean play.
MADISON
Hey, I’ve got a collection of bad headshots. One year I tried a perm. The photographer had to use a wide angle lens.
CANDY
Well, I hate to say this, Rembrandt, but he resembles you.
REMBRANDT
I take back what I said.
CANDY
Rembrandt! I’ve got an idea!
REMBRANDT
Divorce yourself from that tone of voice, Candy. I don’t like it.
CANDY
You like little children.
REMBRANDT
Can’t stand them.
CANDY
You like to talk to people.
REMBRANDT
I abhor conversation.
CANDY
You like to be charming.
REMBRANDT
Lost me charm.
CANDY
Gay?
REMBRANDT
Lost me gay.
CANDY
With the help of a few icicles, Duckie, you’re going to be Jack Frost!
MADISON
Madison audience, that exchange was reproduced exactly as originally written. I know, right? I feel like I wanna rewatch “My Best Friend’s Wedding” now.
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
You sure Rembrandt’s up for this, Candy? His diva was on overdrive.
CANDY
Oh, that’s Rembrandt. He fights, argues, paces the floor, has the vapors, faints… and then when I bring him to, he always sees it my way.
MADISON
For a second I thought he was gonna lip sync for his life.
CANDY
When I called Myra and informed her that one “R. Watson” would assume the role of the jolly Jack Frost, she was delighted. I have to put my coat away. Answer that for me, will you, Madison?
MADISON
No problem. Hello?
BURKE
Is this Candy Matson?
MADISON
No–
BURKE
How do you do, Miss Matson. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Burke, Prentice Burke. I’m the first assistant vice president of the Brownstone.
MADISON
Like a Brownstone apartment? You the landlord?
BURKE
Um… The department store?
MADISON
I don’t go to stores much. Only when my grandma needs a partner for mall walking.
BURKE
Er, yes. Now, the reason for my call. There has been, shall I say, a rather unfortunate occurrence today.
CANDY
Who is it, Madison?
MADISON
I think it’s your landlord.
CANDY
I’ll take it. What can I do for you, Charlie? I can’t imagine you’re already calling about next month’s rent when it’s only the nineteenth.
BURKE
I beg your pardon?
MADISON
Candy, can I grab something to drink?
CANDY
Oh, of course, help yourself.
BURKE
Miss Matson?
CANDY
Charlie? What happened to that delightful German accent you used to have?
BURKE
Miss Matson, I need the help of a professional sleuth.
CANDY
Well, I’m sorry. It appears we have a case of mistaken identity. May I ask whom is presently engaging my telephone line?
BURKE
Prentice Burke. I’m the first assistant vice president of the Brownstone.
CANDY
Oh! I shoplift all of my favorite nylons from there.
MADISON
Candy! Can I open this wine?
CANDY
Go ahead, dear, but let it breathe a moment.
MADISON
Breathe? Oh, then maybe this stuff might be too classy to go with the lunch meat I found in the fridge.
BURKE
Miss Matson, you were highly recommended by the head of our advertising department, Miss Myra Fisher. Can you please come down to my office right away? This matter is of some urgency.
CANDY
I’m your girl then — figuratively speaking. I’ll be there in half an hour. Madison, hold off on the cold cuts. We’ve got a date.
MADISON
With your landlord? Girl, never date your landlord. You might get free rent for a while, but when he finds you passed out in the stairwell with half the FedEx softball team, the eviction notice won’t be far behind.
SCENE FIVE
CANDY
I tell you, Madison, a person could get lost in one of these department stores.
MADISON
I got lost in Ikea once. Turns out I was actually in Home Depot. You have to assemble everything from Ikea. The concept of the two stores is basically the same. The only difference is the Swedish meatballs versus the hot dog carts in the parking lot.
CANDY
Maybe someone can help us find Burke’s office. Pardon me, sir, I–
LIGGETT
I’m very busy, young lady. Make it as brief as possible.
CANDY
You’re the floorwalker assigned to this section?
LIGGETT
That is correct. Come to the point, please.
MADISON
Daymn. If I copped an attitude like that with a customer at Applebee’s, I’d get a twelve page write up and lose my buffalo wing privileges.
CANDY
Well, I have a good mind to report you.
LIGGETT
As you wish. As I said, I’m very busy. Now, what is it you wanted to know?
CANDY
I’m trying to find the office of Prentice Burke.
LIGGETT
You’ll have to take the elevator to the “Ivory Tower.” Now, good day.
MADISON
Merry Christmas to you, too, douche nozzle.
CANDY
Some people just don’t have the Christmas spirit.
MADISON
You want me to go punch him in his jingle bells?
CANDY
Let’s just find the elevator. If I’m remembering correctly, it’s through kitchenware.
MADISON
Ooo. I can do some major damage with a spatula and a hot plate. Ask my college roommates.
SCENE SIX
CANDY
Mr. Burke?
BURKE
Yes. Come in.
CANDY
I’m Candy Matson, and this is Madison Standish.
BURKE
Hello.
MADISON
You gonna tell him about that dude?
BURKE
About whom?
CANDY
Just a little run in with a living mannequin sporting the name tag, “Simon Liggett.”
BURKE
Oh, yes. Simon. Been with us nearly twenty years now. Started as a stock boy, if you can imagine that!
MADISON
Well, he has the attitude of a food critic eating at Cracker Barrel.
BURKE
Did he do something wrong?
CANDY
Now, now, Madison. We must keep the love and charity of the Christmas season in our hearts. We can come back and get him fired after New Years.
BURKE
Er, oh. All right, then. Uh… Please, sit down, won’t you?
CANDY
Thank you.
MADISON
The last time I was in an office in a department store I was being accused of stealing jewelry. Thankfully the earrings passed after I got home.
CANDY
So, Mr. Burke, our subject is what?
BURKE
Er, a man named Ralph Jordan.
CANDY
Well, that’s a relief. For a moment I thought you wanted to talk about Jack Frost.
BURKE
That’s just it. He was Jack Frost.
CANDY
Ohhhh. Me and my big mouth.
BURKE
He was working here up until yesterday afternoon. Er, maybe you read about it? He was found… shot today.
MADISON
I heard that happened to one of the Snoopys at Knott’s Berry Farm.
BURKE
That’s the reason I’ve called you.
MADISON
Apparently Woodstock’s boyfriend found out about them and he had Snoopy neutered.
CANDY
Why didn’t you have your own store detectives take over, Mr. Burke?
BURKE
No. No. No, no! Er, that would never do. I want no one in the store to know what’s going on.
MADISON
I’m sure that’s what Snoopy had hoped for, by Peppermint Patty liked to talk smack.
CANDY
Ahhh, intrigue, Mr. Burke.
BURKE
Quite possibly. I have a reason to suspect that Jordan was killed by someone in our employ. I want to find out who that someone was before the police do and get it splashed all over the front pages.
CANDY
Okay, I’ll take the job. You say you have a suspicion. What is it?
BURKE
Well, nothing tangible. It’s just a feeling I have.
CANDY
Oh, that’s a big help.
MADISON
Hey! Gut feelings can save your life. If only Snoopy had listened to his.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
So tell me more about this hunky detective of yours.
CANDY
Oh, not much to tell, really. Inspector Ray Mallard of San Francisco homicide — a nice guy to serve coffee to on Sunday mornings… if you could ever lasso him. I never could get strong enough rope.
RAY MALLARD
Candy! What brings you around here?
MADISON
Oh… yummy. He’s like “Firefly” Nathan Fillion crossed with “Castle” Nathan Fillion with a little “Rookie” Nathan Fillion thrown in for good measure.
CANDY
Inspector Mallard, I’d like you to meet Madison Standish.
RAY MALLARD
Oh. Pleasure to meet you.
MADISON
So. Candy tells me you’re unattached.
RAY MALLARD
Uh…
CANDY
Tut, tut, Madison. This mountain is mine. I’ve already planted my flag.
MADISON
Then I’ll just drool from afar.
CANDY
Good plan.
RAY MALLARD
Was there a reason you stopped by, Candy?
CANDY
Absolutely. You see, I just hate to have my Christmas ruined so early. What can you tell me about that Jack Frost character?
RAY MALLARD
Oh, yeah. Poor guy got it good. Found in his apartment over on Seventeenth. Why so interested?
CANDY
The gal who’s head of advertising for the Brownstone was going out of her head for another Jack Frost. Well, I talked Rembrandt into taking the job.
RAY MALLARD
Ha!
MADISON
He’s even sexy when he scoffs.
CANDY
Madison…
MADISON
Just making an observation.
CANDY
Bring me up to date, Mallard. Did you get any dope on the killing?
RAY MALLARD
Nothing but a .45 slug out of the guy’s wall. Ballistics is checking it now.
CANDY
Nothing else?
RAY MALLARD
This goes beyond just the normal curiosity, Candy. What are you drilling for?
CANDY
Oh, only that I’m worried about Rembrandt. I got him the job. I’m responsible. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him.
RAY MALLARD
Ask a silly question, Mallard, and you’ll get a silly answer. How about dinner tonight?
MADISON
Sure, I’m free!
CANDY
Not for dinner you’re not.
MADISON
Yes, I am.
CANDY
Not with that broken jaw you’re about to experience.
MADISON
Actually, I forgot. I’m busy. I was gonna do some… Christmas caroling and the… uh… um… Alcatraz? What can I say? Felons love me.
CANDY
Go on with what you were saying, Mallard. Dinner tonight?
RAY MALLARD
Well, Candy, we’ve known each other a good long time, haven’t we?
CANDY
That’s right.
RAY MALLARD
We’ve had our little quarrels, little misunderstandings.
CANDY
Oh, but they never seem to last long, do they?
RAY MALLARD
No. That’s why I feel I have every right to ask you a question.
CANDY
Madison, get out of here.
MADISON
Where am I supposed to go?
CANDY
Go step in front of a cable car, I don’t care. Just go!
RAY MALLARD
Maybe I’ll ask you later tonight.
CANDY
No, no! Go ahead. Madison was just leaving.
RAY MALLARD
It’s all right. I don’t want it to be a secret.
CANDY
Oh?
RAY MALLARD
Candy…
CANDY
Yes?
RAY MALLARD
Do you know where I can get a couple of tickets to the Rose Bowl game?
MADISON
Ooo… wrong question.
CANDY
Ray Mallard! I hope you sit on a kicking block!
MADISON
You, sir, are a tease. Call me.
SCENE EIGHT
RAY MALLARD
Well, Candy, I’m glad you accepted my dinner invitation after all.
CANDY
Mm-hmmm.
RAY MALLARD
I do enjoy spending time with you.
CANDY
Mm-hmmm.
RAY MALLARD
And… your friends.
MADISON
That restaurant was really romantic. So intimate. You two should go back there alone sometime.
RAY MALLARD
What a novel idea.
CANDY
“Two tickets to the Rose Bowl.” You’re lucky you didn’t dine alone on a stale sandwich from a gas station.
RAY MALLARD
I thought by the time we shared that chocolate soufflé for dessert you’d forgiven me.
CANDY
I didn’t have any of the chocolate soufflé.
MADISON
You should’ve. It was really good.
RAY MALLARD
Do you see where I’ve taken you? You can’t be mad at me now.
MADISON
Where are we?
CANDY
The cliffs over Sutro Baths.
RAY MALLARD
High above Lands End.
CANDY
My favorite hiking spot.
RAY MALLARD
How about joining me for a brisk walk in the crisp December air?
CANDY
Well…
MADISON
No thanks. These heels are not made for off roading.
RAY MALLARD
Oh, what a shame. Looks like it’s just you and me, Candy.
CANDY
Do you mind, Madison? We’ll only be a minute.
MADISON
Don’t sell him short. I’m sure he’s good for at least ten minutes.
RAY MALLARD
Penny for your thoughts, Candy.
CANDY
Well, I was just thinking, Mallard dear. When you see a star in the sky, soft water below, feel the Christmas in the air — how can there be violence in the world?
RAY MALLARD
An age-old question, and one I can’t answer. Hey, you’re cold. I better put my arm around you.
CANDY
Mallard, no.
RAY MALLARD
What’s the matter?
CANDY
Madison.
RAY MALLARD
Go easy on my radio, would ya?
MADISON
Sorry! I don’t know what any of these buttons do!
RAY MALLARD
Then don’t press them!
CANDY
Oh! She just turned on the headlights.
RAY MALLARD
Will you turn those off?!
MADISON
I don’t know what I just hit!
RAY MALLARD
The button next to the steering wheel!
CANDY
Wait, Mallard! The lights from the car — they’ve shone on something. Down there, under that tree! Oh! She turned the lights out again.
RAY MALLARD
Turn those back on!
MADISON
Back on? Make up yer damn mind!
CANDY
That’s better. Look, do you see it?
RAY MALLARD
Oh, Candy, just for once can’t you stop digging up a mystery?
CANDY
Come on, Mallard! I want to see what’s under that tree! There. That’s it. A “Jack Frost” costume. And if those aren’t bloodstains, I’m a Labrador Retriever.
RAY MALLARD
No, you’re definitely Candy Matson. Because those are definitely bloodstains.
CANDY
What was Jordan dressed like when you found him?
RAY MALLARD
Uh… Torn slacks, sweater, shoes, no socks.
CANDY
This was most likely his costume, then.
MADISON
I am not parked illegally! This isn’t even my car! No, I didn’t steal it! Candy!!
CANDY
That sounds like trouble.
OFFICER
Whoever you are, come up here where I can see you!
RAY MALLARD
Who’s that?!
OFFICER
The police! Now, get up here and don’t try any tricks.
RAY MALLARD
That’s all right, officer. This is Inspector Mallard, homicide.
OFFICER
Oh! Sorry, inspector.
MADISON
Told you!!!
RAY MALLARD
Stay right where you are. We’ll be right up. Well, this is a break, Candy. You take my car home. I’ll stay here with the officer, okay?
CANDY
If you promise to get casts of those footprints next to the tree.
RAY MALLARD
I did manage to investigate crimes long before I met a certain Miss Candy Matson.
CANDY
And what a dull time that must’ve been for you.
MADISON
Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt your romantic walk.
CANDY
Jack Frost beat you to it. Come on, we’re going home.
MADISON
Does that mean you have spare car keys?
RAY MALLARD
What happened to my car keys?
MADISON
They’re in the car. That I apparently locked. But it’s not my fault. I grabbed the fob before I got out but it’s not working!
RAY MALLARD
Let me see that.
CANDY
That’s a cigarette lighter, dear.
MADISON
Well, that explains why I keep burning my thumb.
SCENE NINE
CANDY
My goodness. The store’s only been open an hour. Would you look at this crowd!
MADISON
You think this is bad? They haven’t invented Black Friday yet, have they?
CANDY
We have to locate Rembrandt. Maybe we can find somebody to point us in the direction of our Jolly Ol’ Sprite. Excuse, sir, could you–
LIGGETT
Needing directions again? May I suggest Triple A.
MADISON
Please, just one kick to the Kris Kringles.
CANDY
It amazes me that someone could work somewhere for twenty years and still show such love for their job.
LIGGETT
How do you know I’ve worked here for twenty years?!
CANDY
A little Christmas elf told me. And don’t be surprised if your stocking has coal in it.
LIGGETT
Have a wonderful day.
MADISON
One year I actually asked for coal in my stocking. My brother had told me if I squeezed it hard enough it’d turn into a diamond. Of course it didn’t, but the coal came in really handy when I broke all of his brand new Transformers.
CANDY
Look, over there. Santa’s Village. Oh… would you just look at Rembrandt with that little blonde moppet on his lap!
MADISON
He looks like the Snow Miser of West Hollywood.
REMBRANDT
Well, well, well! Look who we have here. Hello, there, son.
TOPPER
Hello, Jack Frost!
MADISON
Wait, the kids sit on Jack Frost’s lap?
CANDY
Jack Frost is Santa’s Helper. While Santa is busy up in the North Pole.
MADISON
C’mon. I saw “Christmas Story.” You people had department store Santas in the 1940s. NBC got some copyright problems with Santa? Permissions stuck in legal? What?
REMBRANDT
So, little boy, what is your name?
TOPPER
Topper!
REMBRANDT
Topper! My, what a fine name. Now, what would you like to have me tell Santa Claus to bring you for Christmas?
TOPPER
An electric train, a baseball hat, a football, roller skates, comic books, a pencil set and a dog.
MADISON
This is creepy. It’s like the first time I saw that Dutch black face guy. Seriously, some Christmas traditions are f’d up.
CANDY
He’s finishing with the little boy. Let’s get over there.
REMBRANDT
Well, I’ll be sure to tell Santa Claus. Bye now!
TOPPER
Goodbye, and thank you, and Merry Christmas!
CANDY
Well, isn’t this sprite a delight.
REMBRANDT
Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho– Candy? Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, dove. Duck around into the back room for a moment. I’ve got to talk to you!
CANDY
Aren’t you working, frosty boy?
MADISON
Hey! He offered to dress up like some sort of demented Christmas leprechaun to help your friend. Don’t be a mean girl.
REMBRANDT
Aren’t you sweet. I’m so glad I’m already brimming with self esteem. Candy, I’ll take my break now. Follow me.
CANDY
What’s the matter, Rembrandt? Even under those icicles you look a little warm under the collar.
REMBRANDT
Here. Look at this. Every now and then one of these tykes toddles up to me with a Christmas letter in its hand. A little redheaded girl handed me this about half an hour ago. I’ve been shaking ever since!
CANDY
Let me see. “Dear Jack Frost. A word to the wise is sufficient. When you take your lunch hour, keep going. Don’t come back. Otherwise you’ll meet the same fate as your predecessor.”
MADISON
Aw. That reminds me of when I used to write threatening letters to Santa.
REMBRANDT
Why would you threaten Santa Claus?
MADISON
He knows why.
CANDY
This is perfect. Just about what I expected.
REMBRANDT
Candy! Do you mean to say that you’re deliberately using me as a sacrificial lamb?
CANDY
By no means, Duckie. Go ahead, take your lunch. As a matter of fact, why don’t you just take off now? I’ll meet you at your place in about an hour.
MADISON
Isn’t it like, nine A.M.? He can’t just walk off the job. Who’ll cover for him? You’ve never had to punch a clock, have you, Candy?
CANDY
The store will understand. It’s a matter of life and death.
MADISON
Once I was literally choking and my manager said I had to count that as my ten minute break.
CANDY
Come on, Madison. Before we go I want to make one more stop. See you soon, Rembrandt.
MADISON
Aw, geez! Not Mister Customer Service again.
LIGGETT
Oh, it’s you. Apparently you can’t find anything in this store except for me.
CANDY
I do hate to bother you again. But I was just up to see Miss Myra Fisher. She wasn’t in. Have you seen her down here?
LIGGETT
No, and what’s more, I won’t see her all day. She phoned saying she was feeling ill. Most inconsiderate, I must say, during the holiday rush.
MADISON
That I agree with. There’s nothing worse than being short-staffed on a holiday. Which is why I call out on holidays so I don’t have to deal with it.
CANDY
Well, that’s a pity she’s sick. Could you give me her address? She’s a friend of mine and I’ve got to see her.
LIGGETT
Her address? I suppose. I’ll write it down here on one of my cards for you. Myra Fisher, Two-Two-Seven-F Union Street. There.
CANDY
Thank you. You’re so kind.
LIGGETT
If you need anything else, try lost and found.
CANDY
All right, Madison, we’ve got what we need here. Now, on to a quick stop by police headquarters.
MADISON
Great. Another installment of “will they/won’t they.” I refuse to torment myself. If the desire is there, I don’t even wait to learn his last name. Or in some cases, his first.
SCENE TEN
RAY MALLARD
I appreciate the ride… since my car had to be towed from the park last night.
CANDY
Next time I’ll remember to bring my spare coat hanger.
MADISON
Are you still complaining about that? We all fit in the officer’s patrol car.
RAY MALLARD
It wasn’t very dignified for a homicide detective to arrive at police headquarters in the back of a squad car.
MADISON
The rules are clear. I called “shotgun” first.
RAY MALLARD
So where are you talking us, Candy?
REMBRANDT
I thought we were going to lunch. At least that’s what I told my poor empty stomach.
CANDY
I didn’t say “lunch,” I said I had a “hunch.”
RAY MALLARD
Good thing I had a doughnut at the precinct. This could take all afternoon.
MADISON
You two are a coupla whiney bitches. Candy and I can do this just fine without you, ya know.
CANDY
Actually… we can’t.
MADISON
Come on, Candy, girl power!
CANDY
Unfortunately, these two gentlemen are needed for my plan.
RAY MALLARD
And what plan is that?
CANDY
No time to chat. We’re here.
REMBRANDT
This place looks like they should’ve condemned the blue prints before it was built.
MADISON
Hey, this beats my first apartment in college. At least this place has a whole roof. Nothing like sleeping in a tent in your living room to make you appreciate the dorms.
SCENE ELEVEN
CANDY
Ah-ha! We hit the jackpot. A pair of shoes in the closet that match the casts Mallard took of the footprints by the tree where we found the bloody costume.
MADISON
So this isn’t breaking and entering because we got the cop with us?
CANDY
Now you see how Mallard can be useful.
RAY MALLARD
I’ll be sure to ask for this to be included in my next performance review.
REMBRANDT
The inspector got us in the door. What exactly am I doing here?
CANDY
Rembrandt, go out in the kitchen and see if this place has any ketchup, huh?
REMBRANDT
Oh, you’re using me for my expertise in condiments.
CANDY
Please, Duckie?
REMBRANDT
All right. I’ll give a holler if I run across any dangerous sweet relish.
RAY MALLARD
What are you up to, Candy? We’ve got enough to swing a case here.
MADISON
So are we disregarding the absolute lack of a warrant to not only be in here, but to seize any sort of evidence, especially evidence you had to dig around in the guy’s closet to find? Am I the only one here who watches “Law and Order?”
CANDY
The evidence isn’t for court. It’s for me. I’m working for a voluntary confession. Tell me, Mallard, what was the position that Jack Frost was in when you found him dead?
RAY MALLARD
Uh… In a chair, like that one, his head slumped down on his chest.
CANDY
Good.
REMBRANDT
Here’s the catsup, dove. I had a close call with a jar of mayonnaise but survived to tell about it. Now, what are you putting it on?
CANDY
You.
REMBRANDT
Pardon me?
MADISON
This has taken a kinky turn. I’ve done Hershey’s syrup but the first time I forgot to heat it up so everything went– Second time made it too hot — E.R. visit — You gotta be a freakin’ Goldilocks to get that stuff just right.
REMBRANDT
Candy, may I be excused until Madison concludes her visit?
CANDY
You are the most important part of my plan, Rembrandt. Sit down there and just go limp and let your head hang down. That’s perfect. Now for a little seasoning.
REMBRANDT
Oh, Candy, you’re smearing me with this sticky stuff!
MADISON
I highly recommend a tarp. Once things get going, it can get really messy.
REMBRANDT
Candy?
CANDY
Don’t move, Rembrandt.
RAY MALLARD
Why, of all the–! Candy, it looks like the same guy. The real thing.
CANDY
All right, Rembrandt, you just sit like that. Mallard, you duck into that closet over there and Madison and I will hide in here. We’ve got a good view of the front door. Okay?
RAY MALLARD
There are times, Candy, when I must admit — I admire your genius.
REMBRANDT
There are times, Candy, when I must admit — I want to reevaluate our friendship.
CANDY
Oh, hush, both of you, and Rembrandt stop squirming. Come on, Madison. We’ll get behind that sofa.
MADISON
Uh… I don’t think so.
CANDY
Now, Madison!
MADISON
But–
CANDY
Bless you, Rembrandt, and don’t muss up your ketchup!
MADISON
Candy–
CANDY
Get behind the sofa, Madison!
MADISON
But–!
CANDY
Now!
LIGGETT
No! Oh, no! It — it can’t be! The old fool I killed. No. No. No!
RAY MALLARD
Okay, buddy, that’ll be about enough.
LIGGETT
Oh, no!
CANDY
Get him, Mallard! He’s ducking!
RAY MALLARD
I’ll get him!
CANDY
Nice tackle, Mallard!
RAY MALLARD
All right, mac. You gonna remain peaceful, or do I have to give you a little tap?
LIGGETT
No. No, I’ll be quiet. You got me. I did it. I did it to the both of them. I killed them. I killed both of them.
CANDY
Both of them?
MADISON
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you but you were too caught up in your fabulous plan to listen to me! Would you actually look behind the sofa now?
CANDY
Myra!
MADISON
You made me touch a dead body! I wouldn’t even do that for the mortician I dated. Uck. He was into some nasty stuff.
SCENE TWELVE
CANDY
The whole thing was jealousy. Not the jealousy of a man for a woman, but the jealousy of a man for her job.
MADISON
So he was totally sabotaging her, huh?
CANDY
Exactly. The botched ads, the leaked story to the newspaper. Liggett knew she was still in her probationary period and hoped to make Myra look bad to lose her position.
MADISON
She definitely looked bad in the position we found her in.
CANDY
Getting rid of Jack Frost was supposed to get him the job by New Years. But then I went and gave them Rembrandt.
REMBRANDT
Well, this shirt is utterly ruined. Catsup. Honestly, Candy. You’ll be receiving a bill for the replacement.
MADISON
Maybe you can still get your discount at the department store.
REMBRANDT
My wardrobe is imported from Paris.
MADISON
Well, if the 40s are gonna keep you stuffed in the closet, at least you’re in there with a fabulous wardrobe.
REMBRANDT
The way this one talks. So, Candy, did you ever discover why Liggett killed Jack Frost?
CANDY
In Mr. Liggett’s full confession, he said he’d paid a visit to the first Jack Frost and tried to bribe him into quitting, but the guy would have none of it.
MADISON
Ah, gig-job life. One paycheck away from making your Honda your home.
CANDY
There was a struggle. Liggett lost his head and whipped out a gun and shot him. He was still in his costume, so Liggett stripped him, put some old clothes on him, and drove out to Lands End and ditched his costume.
REMBRANDT
And I suppose he was the one who threatened me with the note from that little girl.
MADISON
You better watch your back. That little girl is still out there.
CANDY
Yes, Liggett wrote that note. Madison, if you recall our last interaction with the charming, Mr. Liggett, I got him to write
down Myra’s address on his business card. Then it was just a matter of matching the handwriting.
REMBRANDT
And my role as the deceased Jack Frost pushed him over the edge into confessing.
CANDY
You were a natural.
REMBRANDT
Naturally.
MADISON
What about Myra? I get that the guy went nutso and murdered her, too, but why was she shoved behind his sofa? When you murder someone and then bring the body home with you, you’ve crossed over from murder of passion to “somebody better check his freezer for body parts.”
CANDY
I suppose we stepped in before he had a chance to hide the body properly. Didn’t you wonder why he had Myra’s address right on the tip of his tongue when I asked for it?
MADISON
Plot device?
REMBRANDT
Well, dears, I’ve got to run.
CANDY
Oh, you do? And just where are you off to?
REMBRANDT
I… have an engagement.
MADISON
With Diogenes?
REMBRANDT
No. You strange little thing. With the Brownstone Department store. They’re still short one Jack Frost.
CANDY
Oh, Rembrandt! I knew you’d be perfect for the job!
REMBRANDT
Well. I couldn’t let the kiddies down. After all, it’s Christmas. Bye-bye, dears.
MADISON
So what about you, Candy? Got any Christmas plans with Detective Hunky?
CANDY
I’ve stocked up on mistletoe, but it never seems to do me any good.
MADISON
Then I’m gonna take you out for Christmas dinner a la “A Christmas Story.” Get your coat. We’re goin’ to Chinatown!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Candy Matson: YUkon 2-8209” That’s her phone number by the way, aired from 1949 to 1951. The creator, Monty Masters, originally wrote the show with himself as the lead male detective, but his mother-in-law convinced him to make the detective a female. He cast his wife, Natalie, and the show was a hit. So much so, that when an episode ended with Candy praying as her airplane crashed, the switchboards of Radio City lit up with worried fans wanting to know if Candy was okay. Rembrandt is considered by radio historians as the first recurring gay character in a series. It is believed he was created as a nod to the gay community of San Francisco, where the show was set, as a thank-you for their love and support.