MADISON ON THE AIR: “ROCKY JORDAN – STRANGERS THREE”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APR 2021
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
Time now for Rocky Jordan. Not far from the Mosque Sultan Hassan in Cairo stands the Café Tambourine run by Rocky Jordan. The Café Tambourine, crowded with forgotten men, alive with the babble of many languages. For this is Cairo, where modern adventure and intrigue unfold against a backdrop of antiquities. Tonight’s story… Strangers Three.
ROCKY
I’m always suspicious of a person, even in Cairo, who wants to play hide and seek, especially when she’s a total stranger. Well, this girl in heels high enough to give her vertigo, had been shadowing me for too long. So finally, around ten o’clock, I left the Café Tambourine figuring that my shadow and I would finally be properly introduced. But before the night was over, I’d meet a lot of people. Living… and dead. I made a dry run down the Boulevard Al Mahgar and sure enough, the stranger was still following me. I headed south, away from the crowds. She was right behind me like the back hump on a camel. I picked a nice dark alley for our meeting, and faded into a doorway. I didn’t have to wait long. As she came by I grabbed for her-
MADISON
Dude! Cut it out!
ROCKY
Who are you? And what do you want?
MADISON
Seriously, if you don’t take your hands off me, you’re gonna be crying pepper spray.
ROCKY
You’ve been tailing me all day, why?
MADISON
You noticed me, huh? I thought I was doing a good job of blending in.
ROCKY
In Cairo? How many Muslim women do you see around here wearing a French bikini?
MADISON
This isn’t a bikini. It’s a halter top and shorts because it’s freakin’ hot here, okay? The Egyptian desert makes Palm Springs feel like a ski resort.
ROCKY
All right, from the top of the page, lady, and start with your name.
MADISON
Madison Standish.
ROCKY
I’m delighted. Now, just what do you want?
MADISON
Well… I heard you were friends with Angus Morgan.
ROCKY
Angus Morgan?
MADISON
You guys were partners or something in Istanbul, not Constantinople.
ROCKY
Well, what about it?
MADISON
I’ve been following him for the last month which was a lot easier in college when I could cyber stalk.
ROCKY
So stick to him. Why trail me?
MADISON
I lost him. But he’s supposed to be here in Cairo. So since you knew him, I thought following you would lead me to him. You really shouldn’t eat at that restaurant on the corner, by the way. Their kitchen is totes scudzy. I could barely see through the kitchen window when I was stalking you.
ROCKY
You wanna stay with that story or try another one?
MADISON
Nah, I’m good with this one.
ROCKY
You sure? Because Angus Morgan’s been dead for three months.
MADISON
Not dead.
ROCKY
All right, let’s say I buy your story for the moment. Why is Angus’ address worth it to you?
MADISON
Okay fine, here’s the thing. We were kinda… seeing each other. I mean, I never thought I’d be interested in any guys from these old timey radio shows, but have you heard his Scottish accent? He sounds like James McAvoy.
ROCKY
Ah. A jilted lover trying to get your pound of flesh?
MADISON
Ew, what? No! He took off and stole my iPhone! And seeing as how there aren’t any Apple stores in the 1940s, I gotta get it back.
ROCKY
I suppose you’re willing to pay for the information?
MADISON
If you take plastic.
ROCKY
All right, then. Come on.
MADISON
I shoulda known Angus was gonna be trouble when I caught him going through my purse. But once I had a boyfriend who did that, and it turned out, he just wanted to try my lipstick. He and his husband are very happy now.
SCENE TWO
ROCKY
It was true, Angus Morgan and I had once been partners in Istanbul. Only Madison made one mistake. Angus and I were not friends.
MADISON
You weren’t?
ROCKY
Eh… I’m doing my monologue. You’re not supposed to be hearing this.
MADISON
I’m standing right next to you.
ROCKY
I’m trying to transition the action between scenes.
MADISON
Go ahead. So you weren’t friends with Angus?
ROCKY
No. Not even poor ones. Angus had double crossed me and ran out owing me fifteen thousand dollars.
MADISON
Did you fall for the cute way he rolls his “R’s”?
ROCKY
No, I was taken in by his thick red hair.
MADISON
Oh, I know, right? Like Jamie in “Outlander.”
ROCKY
If Angus was alive, only one thing interested me. My fifteen grand.
MADISON
I made Angus call me “Sassenach.”
ROCKY
And if Angus was in Cairo, he was here for one reason. A reason named Sabina.
MADISON
Sabina?! Who the hell is Sabina?!
ROCKY
Well, she wasn’t too much to look at now, but at one time she was the toast of Istanbul.
MADISON
Well, whoopty-do for her. Was she head cheerleader all four years in high school, even beating out the senior girls her freshman year?
ROCKY
I wouldn’t know. These days she ran a Turkish Bath on Al Mozafar. It was late, but her office door was open and the sign said, “Come in,” so we did.
SCENE THREE
SABINA
I can’t believe it. When can I see him?
TOURDOT
He is waiting at the Cherone Sanitarium.
MADISON
Is that the skank?
ROCKY
Hello, Sabina. Are we interrupting something?
SABINA
Rocky Jordan!
ROCKY
We meet again, Sabina. Like old times.
MADISON
Like really old times by the look of her face.
SABINA
Who is this, Rocky? Does she wish to lose weight?
MADISON
Did you just call me fat?!
ROCKY
Hang on, Madison.
MADISON
I swear I will mess you up, bitch!
ROCKY
That’s her business! That’s what they do at a Turkish Bath!
SABINA
Rocky, I–
ROCKY
Madison! Knock it off or I’m putting you on a one-way camel to the desert!
MADISON
No girl talks to me like that without requiring reconstructive surgery.
ROCKY
All right, she’s been warned. Can you let me handle this now?
MADISON
Call me fat…
ROCKY
Sabina, I’d like a word in private with you. As soon as you’re done with this gentleman here.
TOURDOT
I am in no hurry, Sabina. Suppose you go ahead and see what Mr. Jordan and this lady wants. I will wait for you.
SABINA
Why, that’s very kind of you, Mr. Tourdot.
ROCKY
Yeah, thanks. We’ll only be a minute.
SABINA
Yes, Rocky?
MADISON
Maybe you should take advantage of our own services, Sabina, because you’ve got some junk in the trunk.
SABINA
Rocky, who is this… person?
MADISON
Madison Standish. The competition.
ROCKY
Sabina, who is that overgrown Frenchman?
SABINA
Oh, Mr. Tourdot was just arranging for me to give someone a massage at the sanitarium.
MADISON
With a “happy ending”?
SABINA
Please, Rocky, what do you want?
ROCKY
What do you hear from Angus Morgan?
SABINA
Angus? What are you talking about? You know he’s–
MADISON
Alive.
SABINA
What kind of a cruel joke is this?
ROCKY
There appears to be some truth in it, Sabina.
SABINA
Rocky, I know how much you hated Angus when he double crossed you. Can’t you let the past sleep?
MADISON
Your past is sleeping with me.
SABINA
Get out of here.
ROCKY
Sure, Sabina. C’mon, Madison.
MADISON
That’s right! Angus is with me now!
SABINA
Get out!!
ROCKY
Well, now I know first hand what it looks like when a hyena fights for a carcass.
MADISON
What, that? That was nothing. I didn’t even set anything on fire.
SCENE FOUR
ROCKY
Well, if Sabina was putting on an act, she wasn’t doing a good job of it.
MADISON
Sabina the Middle Aged Bitch.
ROCKY
Why are you still interested in Angus? I thought he stole from you and then skipped out.
MADISON
I need to know he liked me better than his ex. As a woman, my self-esteem is unhealthily wrapped up in how men view me. I’m in therapy. Shut up.
ROCKY
In any case, I knew my visit with Sabina was a sure way of making Angus show his hand. If he was around. So Madison and I went back to my Café Tambourine to regroup. Yup, here it is. The Cairo Gazette dated three months ago. “Angus Morgan killed in mysterious explosion… salvaging operation off the coast of Adalar.” Sure sounds dead, all right.
MADISON
Well, check the facts with Snopes. I was just with the guy, like, a month ago. And he was definitely alive and kicking.
ROCKY
You’re about as modest as a Pharaoh’s Palace. Excuse me. Hello?
SVENSON
Hello? Is this Mr. Jordan?
ROCKY
Yeah.
MADISON
Who is it?
ROCKY
Quiet.
SVENSON
Good. I want to speak to you, Mr. Jordan. It is very important.
ROCKY
Who is this?
MADISON
Who is it?
ROCKY
I don’t know. I just asked him that.
SVENSON
Oh, yah, we have never met. My name is Svenson.
ROCKY
Svenson?
MADISON
Svenson?
SVENSON
Jan Svenson.
ROCKY
What can I do for you, Mr. Svenson?
MADISON
Who’s Mr. Svenson?
ROCKY
Do you wanna take this call?
SVENSON
Mr. Jordan, I saw you talking to a woman named Madison.
ROCKY
Ah, he knows you.
MADISON
Me? I don’t know any guy who sounds like the Swedish Chef.
SVENSON
I don’t know what she offered to pay for information leading to Angus Morgan, but I guarantee you I will double her price.
ROCKY
He wants to double your price for Angus.
MADISON
Go for it. I don’t actually have any money.
SVENSON
Mr. Jordan? Are you still there?
ROCKY
I didn’t know a dead man was worth so much.
MADISON/SVENSON
Not dead.
ROCKY
Yeah, I– I got that impression.
SVENSON
I am staying at the Hotel Mala, room six. You come right away.
ROCKY
Looks like we’re headed over to the Hotel Mala to meet up with a “Jan Svenson”. You wanna tell me who this guy is?
MADISON
I dunno. Probably somebody Angus knew in Istanbul, not Constantinople.
ROCK
The city is just called “Istanbul.” Why do you keep adding “not Constantinople”? The name was changed to Istanbul years ago.
MADISON
Oh, is that what they meant? I never really paid attention to the whole song. But the chorus is super catchy.
SCENE FIVE
ROCKY
Now it looked like Madison wasn’t the only one who’d been following me. Add one Jan Svenson. I figured it was worth the trip to see him. If my fifteen grand was around, I wanted to be sure of it.
MADISON
How is going to see a Swedish dude gonna help us find Angus?
ROCKY
What was that you said about not having any money?
MADISON
So how far to the hotel?
ROCKY
Madison and I arrived at the Hotel Mala in about five minutes. Room six was on the first floor. There was a light on inside the room and I knocked. Nothing. No answer.
MADISON
Door’s locked.
ROCKY
I can see that. I called the– It’s locked, all ready! Will you cut that out? I called the hotel manager and we all went in.
HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, what has happened? That bed does not belong in the center of the room! And the dresser! It’s upside down!
ROCKY
Yeah, looks like somebody went through here with a bulldozer.
MADISON
Svenson in a punk band or something?
HOTEL MANAGER
But Mr. Svenson’s clothes are still here.
MADISON
I see the dude was a fan of plaid.
HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, what are these?
ROCKY
Heavy rubber gloves. Like a deep-sea divers’, maybe. Nice and new.
HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, this is terrible! We must call the police!
ROCKY
Yeah, you do that. Deep sea diver gloves. These ring a bell with you, Madison?
MADISON
No. I hate boats ever since the disaster of my senior year cruise.
ROCKY
What happened? Did it sink?
MADISON
Worse. My date, Tommy Berger, hooked up with my best friend, Jill in the stateroom I paid for. I spent the whole cruise scarfing down shrimp cocktails and then puking them back up when we hit rough waters.
ROCKY
You do have bad luck with men.
MADISON
I like to think of myself as having an open heart.
ROCKY
Among other things.
MADISON
You can try and slut shame me, but it’s my body, my choice. Sometimes it’s a bad choice, but it’s still my choice.
SCENE SIX
ROCKY
We left the hotel with more questions than answers. No sooner had we stepped outside when I felt something tugging at my coattail.
It was a small native boy. He handed me a white envelope and dodged away into the crowd. I opened the letter. It read: “Mr. Jordan, before you see Angus, see me. I will meet your price. Signed, Captain Morey. Address– sixty-two Omar Lane.”
MADISON
I suppose we’re going to go see that dude now.
ROCKY
You’re welcome to find Angus on your own.
MADISON
I just need my phone back. The other day I tried to read an article in a newspaper but when I clicked “continued next page” the link was broken.
ROCKY
With no other leads, Madison and I got a taxi to sixty-two Omar Lane. It had all the ear marks of a sedate rooming house. The skinniest woman I’ve ever seen opened the door.
MRS. PHIPPS
I’m Mrs. Phipps. May I help you?
ROCKY
Yes, I’m Rocky Jordan–
MRS. PHIPPS
Shhh! You’ll have to keep your voice down! My guests have been asleep for hours.
MADISON
Not exactly a party house.
ROCKY
Sorry. Captain Moray’s expecting me.
MRS. PHIPPS
Captain Morey? You don’t say so!
MADISON
We have to see him–
MRS. PHIPPS
Shhh! Please!
MADISON
You’re like the housemother from my sorority. I did not move out of my parent’s place to be told to be quiet after nine p.m.
ROCKY
Look, Mrs. Phipps, I’ve got to see him tonight.
MRS. PHIPPS
I’m so angry I could scream. It couldn’t’ve been ten minutes ago he skipped out of here, bag and baggage, out of the window, if you please. And not paying me one cent for his board and room.
MADISON
Douche-nozzle.
MRS. PHIPPS
Precisely.
ROCKY
Did he take his clothes with him?
MRS. PHIPPS
Yes. Everything except these awful rubber boots. Here, you can have them.
MADISON
Sea boots!
MRS. PHIPPS
Shhh!!! Keep your voice down!
MADISON
What, is it finals week?
ROCKY
You better give those boots to the police.
MRS. PHIPPS
The police will be here. I’ve already called them.
MADISON
Now what are we gonna do?
MRS. PHIPPS
Shhh!!
MADISON
I swear, woman, “shush” me again and you’re gonna find your underwear frozen in a block of ice in the basement freezer.
MRS. PHIPPS
Good night to you both!
MADISON
She just slammed the door. Did you hear that? She’s all “be quiet” and then slams the door!
ROCKY
I’d like to slam the door on this whole affair. Come on, there’s a phone booth. I gotta check in with my bartender, Chris, at the Tambourine.
MADISON
So why would two guys say they want to meet with you, and then not be there when you got there?
ROCKY
Your guess is as good as mine. Our best bet now is hoping our visit with Sabina pays off. And then it did. The shots were wild and there were holes in the wall all around us.
MADISON
He’s actually shooting at us!
ROCKY
Get down! I dropped to the ground, pulling Madison down with me.
MADISON
Ow!!
ROCKY
We rolled up into a dark corner. The guy with the gun must’ve thought he got us because he took off down a side street. He was big, but he ran like a scared gazelle. I was up and after him, but when I got to the corner, he was out of sight. I let him go.
MADISON
The last time I was shot at like that was by a bunch of hunters. They really need to put up better signs for the shooting range at the Bass Pro Shop.
ROCKY
Well, that gives us our answer. The seed I had planted with Sabina has finally blossomed.
MADISON
Into gunfire?
ROCKY
Back in Sabina’s office, the fellow named Tourdot mentioned the Cherone Sanitarium and Sabina hadn’t covered it too well.
MADISON
So? What does that have to do with us being shot at?
ROCKY
Tourdot was the guy shooting at us.
MADISON
The French dude? Wow, they really don’t like Americans. Would it help if I told him I watched “Amelie” like, five times?
ROCKY
So the next day, Madison and I paid the Cherone Sanitarium a visit. On the third floor we hit pay dirt. I swung the door open and there, propped up in bed playing chess with Philip Tourdot… was Angus Morgan.
ANGUS
Rocky!
MADISON
Angus!
ANGUS
Madison?!
ROCKY
And the Frenchman is Philip. Now that we got the names squared away–
ANGUS
Shut the door!
ROCKY
Relax, I got it.
ANGUS
How did you find me?
MADISON
I once tracked down a guy who left town and moved across the country. I found him even after he’d changed his name and appearance.
ROCKY
Criminy, what had he done?
MADISON
I don’t know, but something worth being put into witness protection.
ANGUS
Madison, my Sassenach, how are ya?
MADISON
O.M.G. Angus! I’ve missed you so much! Did you miss me?
ANGUS
Eh… of course.
MADISON
Oh, I’m so glad! Now, where’s my phone.
TOURDOT
That is close enough.
MADISON
Don’t stand between me and my phone. It will not be pretty.
ROCKY
Angus, is this frog your finger man?
MADISON
“Finger man”? That sounds kinky.
ANGUS
No, Rocky, he’s my bodyguard. Let me introduce you to–
ROCKY
We’ve already met. Twice.
TOURDOT
Twice, Mr. Jordan?
ROCKY
Once at Sabina’s and once at a phone booth. You’re a bum shot, Tourdot.
TOURDOT
I am afraid you are mistaken.
ANGUS
Madison, I’m so… surprised to see you. I didn’t know you and Rocky were acquainted.
ROCKY
We’ve gotten to be great pals… thanks to you.
MADISON
Okay, Angus, I’m going to say this one more time and then I am going to go so bat shit crazy, that you’re gonna need half a dozen orderlies in here to restrain me. Ya got it?
ANGUS
Eh… yes?
MADISON
Good. Where. Is. My. Phone?!
ANGUS
Is that what this is all about? You’ll find your contraption over there on the nurse’s cart.
MADISON
Oh!! My phone! My sweet, sweet phone! Come on, let’s plug you in and charge you. You like to be charged, don’t you? Yes, you do. Yes, you do!
ANGUS
Well, if that’s all ya be needin’, suppose ya be leavin’ me to me convalesce.
ROCKY
Not so fast, Angus. Besides Madison here, I got two other orders for your whereabouts that’ll pay me a prettier penny than I’ve seen in a quite awhile.
ANGUS
Two others?
ROCKY
Count ’em. Jan Svenson and Captain Morey.
ANGUS
No! They–
ROCKY
You’re having a relapse, Angus. Maybe I better call a nurse.
MADISON
Give it a minute. Let him choke.
ANGUS
Stop it, Rocky! You say they’re alive?
ROCKY
Breathing, too. Right down your thick neck.
ANGUS
They know where I am?
ROCKY
Not yet. But they’re each offering me a few thousand for that information.
MADISON
A few thousand? I almost paid that much to go backstage at a One Direction concert until my mom cut up my credit card. Ah… youth.
ANGUS
I’m beginning to see what you mean, Rocky. Seems there was a debt?
ROCKY
I’ll refresh your memory. Fifteen thousand dollars.
ANGUS
Rocky, I’ll pay ye every cent, if you promise to leave immediately and forget you’ve been here.
ROCKY
As far as I’m concerned, Angus, you’re resting where are you so justly deserve. Got it with you?
ANGUS
Aye, absolutely.
MADISON
What about me? I want hush money, too!
ANGUS
Philip, this is private. So leave the room.
TOURDOT
But Angus, you are sure–
ANGUS
I can trust them. You can get me some cigars while you’re out. Go on.
TOURDOT
Very well. I will be back shortly.
MADISON
So how much do I get to keep quiet? Bearing in mind you took my phone, abandoned me in Istanbul and– Made me try that thing with your bagpipes.
ROCKY
So, how ’bout it, Angus?
ANGUS
Hand me that valise on the lower shelf of the cart there, will ya?
ROCKY
Sure. Well, it feels loaded.
ANGUS
I’ll have a little left. Here, ye can each have fifteen thousand dollars. Count it if you like.
ROCKY
Don’t worry, I’ll be back if it’s not all here.
MADISON
Well, I’m counting it. One hundred, two hundred, three hundred…
ANGUS
You’re paid. Just keep your promise and get out.
ROCKY
Sure, I know when I’m not wanted. Just one more thing.
ANGUS
Aye?
ROCKY
Tell Tourdot to stop using me for a clay pigeon or I’ll have your friends up here next.
ANGUS
I can assure ya, Rocky, you’ll never hear from me again.
ROCKY
C’mon, Madison, let’s get outta here.
MADISON
Ten hundred… Ugh! You made me lose count. One hundred, two hundred–
ROCKY
Just come on. Angus put his valise back where it was and we got out. We walked slowly down the stairs because Madison insisted on counting her payout. I wondered what I should do if I heard from Captain Morey or the Swede again. Well, I had my dough, and I’d promised Angus to keep my mouth shut, so that was gonna be the way it was going to be. We’d just about reached the main floor when all bedlam broke loose. It was coming from the third floor. I raced back up the steps two at a time, leaving Madison in my wake. Down the hall a crowd was gathering in front of Angus Morgan’s room. I saw Philip Tourdot come around the corner and we reached the room together. We pushed through the crowd and into the room… and there was Sabina.
SABINA
Angus! Angus!
ROCKY
Sabina, what is it?
TOURDOT
Pull yourself together, Sabina, what’s happened?
SABINA
I walked into the room and there he was!
MADISON
What is it? What?
ROCKY
There’s no doubt about it this time. Angus is dead.
TOURDOT
Stabbed to death.
MADISON
Ooo. Not gonna look good on your bodyguard resume.
SCENE EIGHT
ROCKY
From there on things moved fast. Sam Sabaaya, the captain of the Cairo Police, took over. A very thorough man, he rounded up everyone connected to the case. Down at headquarters I was kept cooling my heels while Sam talked to Sabina and Tourdot. I’d lost track of Madison in the commotion, but having fulfilled my end of our agreement, I figured it was all right if we parted ways. Finally, Sam called me in.
SAM
Well, Jordan, I am afraid you have a great deal to explain.
ROCKY
By this time, Sam, I thought you’d have the murder solved.
SAM
Jordan, this time let’s get to the point. What is it? I am in the middle of an interrogation!
MADISON
Rocky??
ROCKY
You better answer that, Sam.
SAM
Miss Standish?
MADISON
There you are, Rocky.
SAM
Miss Standish, as I have just stated, I am conducting an interrogation. I will get to you as soon as we are done here.
MADISON
I’ve been in that waiting room for hours with odors that would make a Detroit bus depot gag.
SAM
Please do not sit. You are not supposed to be in here.
ROCKY
Trust me, Sam, trying to get rid of her is like trying to find a camel that doesn’t spit.
MADISON
We gotta talk now. Because when Rocky and I left Angus’ room — and he was alive when we left by the way– I forgot my phone charging in there and your cops bagged it up as evidence. I need my phone back.
SAM
We can discuss this when I am through with Mr. Jordan–
MADISON
I bet Sabina told you Rocky was majorly P.O.ed at Angus Morgan.
SAM
That is correct.
MADISON
And the French dude said Rocky had threatened Angus.
SAM
Indeed.
MADISON
But Rocky and I were down in the lobby when Angus was killed so we have nothing to do with this and I want my phone back.
SAM
All right, if you have all the answers, suppose you tell me what happened to Angus Morgan’s valise containing three hundred thousand dollars.
ROCKY
Three hundred thousand?!
SAM
It is missing. I believe fifteen thousand of it is in your pocket, Jordan, and if I peruse your purse, I will find the same sum with you, Miss Standish?
ROCKY
Tourdot did talk, didn’t he?
MADISON
I hate that French dude.
SAM
Perhaps you will both hand over the money to me?
ROCKY
Aw, come on, Sam. That’s my dough!
MADISON
And what about my phone?
SAM
Right now they are Exhibit A and Exhibit B. Now, where is the rest of the money, Jordan?
ROCKY
How should I know? Now wait, Sam, you don’t think that– Madison, tell him.
MADISON
Actually, when we heard the screams, you got back to the room before I did. You had plenty of time to stash the money somewhere.
ROCKY
Thanks a lot!
SAM
Would you like to tell me everything now, Jordan?
ROCKY
I was sure as anybody else that Angus Morgan was dead.
MADISON
Not dead.
ROCKY
Yes, we all know that now! Madison here said he was alive and in Cairo. And then I heard from two other people on the subject.
SAM
What people?
ROCKY
Jan Svenson and Captain Morey. But they both skipped out. You better look them up, Sam.
SAM
Getting back to Angus Morgan, how did you find him?
ROCKY
Philip Tourdot let his whereabouts out of the bag when we went to see Sabina. Oh, by the way, an hour later somebody tried to kill us. I think it was Tourdot. But about that fifteen grand– Angus owed it to me.
MADISON
Yeah, and Angus stole my phone and the battery drained so I was trying to recharge it in his room but then I got distracted and–
SAM
I will do my best to find these men that you speak of, Jordan, but the facts remain incriminating. We will hold an inquest tomorrow. I will notify you of the time.
ROCKY
Okay, Sam, we’ll play it your way. Come on, Madison.
MADISON
But my phone!!
ROCKY
Trust me, I want nothing more than for you to get your phone back so we can finally part ways for good.
MADISON
You mean you’re not gonna show me the pyramids after all this?
SCENE NINE
ROCKY
We went out into the street and when the air hit me I knew I’d been sweating.
MADISON
You just realized it? A swim team could hold a meet on your back.
ROCKY
Thank you. If we were all released, that meant Sam was playing cat and mouse with us. And thanks to Madison, everything pointed in my direction.
MADISON
Hey, the last time I lied to a cop, my sister got strip searched at Macy’s. I had to give her half the jewelry I stole just so she wouldn’t tell our parents.
ROCKY
I had to act quickly while I still had a few hours of freedom to clear my name before the inquest. And my first stop was Sabina.
MADISON
I bet she killed Angus. Clearly she’s jealous of me and couldn’t take the rejection.
ROCKY
I made a strong suggestion to Madison that she stay outside while I spoke with Sabina. Thankfully, her desire to get her beloved phone back outweighed her need for another cat fight.
MADISON
Whatever.
ROCKY
When I reached Sabina’s Turkish Bath, she was already there.
SABINA
Rocky! What are you doing here?
ROCKY
I’ve got to talk to you.
SABINA
Haven’t you caused enough trouble? Leave me alone!
MADISON
Uh… Rocky?
SABINA
You again!
ROCKY
I thought you were gonna wait for me outside.
MADISON
I gotta use the bathroom.
ROCKY
Now?
SABINA
What? Wha–What is it?
ROCKY
She needs to use your, uh, your powder room.
SABINA
Oh. Eh, third door on the left.
MADISON
Thanks. Nice place you got here.
ROCKY
Okay, Sabina, tell it to me straight. Who’s Jan Svenson? Captain Morey?
SABINA
Why don’t- Why don’t– I said the third door on the left!
MADISON
Got it! Thanks!
SABINA
Why don’t you ask Philip Tourdot. He’s staying in an apartment over the open air market on Al Faran Street.
ROCKY
Thanks. I got a good hunch who killed your boyfriend, Sabina.
SABINA
Who did it, Rocky?
ROCKY
That’s what I gotta find out, Sabina, or I may be next. Do you, uh, do you mind if I use it, too?
SABINA
Go ahead. Third door on the left.
SCENE TEN
ROCKY
Madison and I went to the open air market on Al Faran Street. Philip Tourdot’s room was on the second floor. I knocked.
TOURDOT
Jordan? Madison?
ROCKY
We’re coming in, Tourdot.
TOURDOT
Yes, yes, of course.
MADISON
Nice place. Was skid row too glitzy for you?
ROCKY
I’d start leveling with us, Tourdot. You tried to kill us last night, didn’t you?
MADISON
What’d I ever do to you? It wasn’t your car I borrowed and then used as a trade-in at the Honda dealership.
TOURDOT
I wasn’t trying to kill either of you, Rocky. I shot wild purposely. I was Angus Morgan’s bodyguard, not his finger man.
MADISON
What is a “finger man” because I might want one.
ROCKY
Okay, Tourdot, try these for size: Jan Svenson and Captain Morey.
TOURDOT
Angus and Svenson hired Captain Morey’s boat. They had salvaged an army payroll from an American freighter that had been sunk during the war.
ROCKY
Off the coast of Adalar?
TOURDOT
Indeed. The three of them were supposed to split the money.
MADISON
Yeah, right. The only thing Angus ever splits is the check.
TOURDOT
After they had hauled up three hundred thousand of the money, Angus sneaked off the boat, leaving a time bomb behind. Everyone was reported missing at sea including Angus. That is when Angus went into hiding in Istanbul.
MADISON
That’s why I had to call him “Bob” in public.
ROCKY
That didn’t come across as a bit fishy to you?
MADISON
I thought it was a Scottish thing. Like how they call everything “Bonnie”. Who’s Bonnie?
TOURDOT
When Angus decided to return to Cairo, that is when I came into his employ. He was worried he was being followed.
ROCKY
By Svenson and Morey.
TOURDOT
Clearly his concerns were warranted. I know they will kill me if they think I took the three hundred thousand.
ROCKY
Well, did you?
TOURDOT
I did not! Did you take it, Rocky?
ROCKY
I took the money Angus owed me fair and square.
MADISON
And the money he gave me I see as compensation for emotional distress caused from being separated from my phone.
TOURDOT
Then who could’ve taken the money?
ROCKY
Wait just a minute. Of course! It was Captain Morey.
MADISON
Captain Morey? That’s a bit outta left field, don’t cha think? My money’s on Sabina.
TOURDOT
I am curious, Rocky, why would you say Captain Morey?
ROCKY
I’m sure I saw him at the sanitarium.
MADISON
How do you even know what he looks like? We never met him.
ROCKY
How ’bout it, Tourdot? I wanna get the guy who killed Angus Morgan to clear myself. And I’m sure you want to know who killed your boss. We can get him together.
TOURDOT
What is your plan?
ROCKY
Meet us at the corner of Ali Basha and Mourad right by the old tower.
TOURDOT
Why there?
ROCKY
I think I know his hideout. You be there in thirty minutes.
TOURDOT
Very well, Rocky, I will be there.
MADISON
Captain Morey? This plot is getting harder to follow than the Marvel Universe.
SCENE ELEVEN
ROCKY
Madison and I left Tourdot. I waited until we turned the corner and then I got to a pay phone and called Sam Sabaaya.
MADISON
Captain Morey, though? We’re seriously introducing a murderer in the third act that no one listening would’ve suspected because he hasn’t even appeared in the episode? What CBS police procedural did we get this writer from?
ROCKY
Could you give me the benefit of the doubt for half a minute? It wasn’t long till Sam’s sleepy voice came on the phone.
SAM
Sabaaya speaking.
ROCKY
Listen, Sam, I think I’ve got your man.
SAM
What is this?
ROCKY
Captain Morey.
MADISON
For the record, Madison doesn’t think it’s Captain Morey!
SAM
Is that Miss Standish? What did she say, Jordan?
ROCKY
She said she’d like you to keep that phone of hers as a gift.
MADISON
What?!
ROCKY
Suuuure, Sam. She thinks it’s fair compensation for the way she’s been behaving.
MADISON
No, not my phone. Please! Anything! I’ll do anything!
ROCKY
You gonna let me handle this?
MADISON
Ya know, the more I think about it, I do remember seeing Captain Morey. Peg leg, patch over his eye, says “yo-ho-ho” a lot?
SAM
Jordan, go home and go to bed.
ROCKY
If you’ll be at Ali Basha and Mourad in half an hour, I’ll produce Captain Morey.
SAM
Look, I’m glad you called, though. The inquest will be tomorrow at eleven. Will you be there or should I send an escort?
ROCKY
Sam, I told you where to be. Now don’t let me down.
SAM
Good night, Jordan.
ROCKY
Listen, Sam– Sam!
MADISON
He’s not coming?
ROCKY
No. We’ll have to go it alone.
MADISON
So what does this Captain Morey look like, anyway? Does he look like Captain Sparrow? I got a total lady chubby for Johnny Depp.
SCENE TWELVE
ROCKY
Madison and I walked the whole way to our rendezvous spot through the twisting narrow streets that lead to the old tower, a familiar dismal landmark in the lower quarter of Cairo. No one was there. It was dark and quiet. I leaned against the wall and waited.
MADISON
Did you see that?! I think I saw someone!
ROCKY
The shadows play tricks sometimes.
MADISON
Okay, but you heard that, right?
ROCKY
Yes– Before I could finish, that rustling sound resolved into a figure. Madison called out–
MADISON
Dude, Rocky! Look out!
ROCKY
I felt it coming, but I was too late. Pain stabbed my right shoulder. I tried to move, but the knife had me pinned to the wall. Through a blinding fight to keep my senses, I heard a confusion of sounds.
MADISON
How about some pepper spray, douche nozzle!
MAN
Ah!!! My eyes!!
ROCKY
A pistol shot blazed across my face.
MADISON
He went that way!
ROCKY
Then everything mixed into a world pool of shouts and footsteps that went spinning off into nothing with Rocky Jordan right in the middle. The last thing I heard was Madison’s reassuring voice.
MADISON
Ew! That is so nasty! I’m not touching that. I don’t care if he dies. I don’t even know him that well.
SCENE THIRTEEN
ROCKY
When I opened my eyes, the darkness of night under the old tower had changed to all white. White walls, white sheets, white bed shirt. The sun was coming in the west window and seated beside my bed, looking me over like a hound looks over a fresh bone, was Madison Standish.
MADISON
Dude! He’s awake!
ROCKY
Madison?
MADISON
Phew, and needs to brush his teeth.
SAM
Well, Jordan, you missed the inquest.
ROCKY
Oh, you’re breaking my heart, Sam. Where am I?
MADISON
The sanitarium. Which apparently is a “hospital”? I thought it meant insane asylum. I mean, they had Angus here, so that tracked.
ROCKY
Sam, you brought me here?
SAM
We thought you might feel right at home.
ROCKY
Well, I’m not. What happened?
SAM
Only a knife wound.
MADISON
“Only” a knife wound? Oh, it was so beyond grotesque. The knife was sticking out of your shoulder like a handle bar on a bike and every time you flexed, it moved by itself and there was blood gushing everywhere–
SAM
Thank you, Miss Standish. Jordan can at least be reassured he was more fortunate than Angus Morgan.
MADISON
Oh, totes. Rocky, you’re blessed.
ROCKY
Uh… yeah. Then all that shooting was the police? Sam, I thought you weren’t coming to the party last night.
SAM
Oh, Jordan, you wrong me.
MADISON
Tell him about the French dude!
SAM
Em… yes. We have arrested Philip Tourdot for last night’s escapade. He is now in the Cairo jail, a little worse for the wear.
ROCKY
Okay. Now, Sam, when do I get my fifteen grand back? Remember? Exhibit A?
SAM
Jordan, you promised to lead me to Captain Morey. Where is he?
ROCKY
In jail. Captain Morey, Jan Svenson and Philip Tourdot are all the same man.
MADISON
Wait, whaaat?
SAM
Well, then. It’s no wonder we couldn’t find the other two. When did you notice?
ROCKY
I should’ve known from the beginning. You may remember, Sam, I spent time in Paris during the war. I know a true French accent when I hear it. And Tourdot’s was good, but not good enough to pass a thorough inspection.
MADISON
Ohhhh… So then he did the Swedish accent when he called you as Svenson, right? He’s good. He should start an improv troupe in prison.
ROCKY
I figured he invented the other two as possible fall guys, and to distract from the murderer being closer to home. Angus’ very own bodyguard.
SAM
No doubt Svenson and Morey were actually killed on the salvage boat.
ROCKY
That’s right, Sam. So when I told Tourdot I’d produce Captain Morey, he knew I was lying. That’s when Tourdot decided it was time to get rid of me.
SAM
But why would Angus come to Cairo in the first place?
ROCKY
Angus wanted to rekindle his flame with Sabina. Live out a happily-ever-after with the ill gotten cash.
MADISON
So in Istanbul he was just using me?
ROCKY
Yeah. You got taken in by Angus like so many of us before.
MADISON
Well, better than finding out the dude is married. I mean, you expect it from a gym teacher but not a guy in your senior class.
ROCKY
So Angus comes to Cairo and hires Tourdot, having no idea Tourdot was poised to kill him and steal his dough. Tourdot just needed the right moment to cover his tracks, and Madison and my visit to see Angus at the sanitarium was it. There’s only one thing I don’t understand.
SAM
What don’t you understand?
ROCKY
Well, if Tourdot killed Angus Morgan and took his money, why didn’t he get out of Cairo?
SAM
A very good question, Jordan. He did not get the money. Sabina came into Angus Morgan’s room too quickly after the murder. In Tourdot’s haste to escape before he was recognized, he’d left the very thing he was after.
ROCKY
So where is the money?
MADISON
Sabina stole it right?
SAM
No. That is a very strange thing. The money was found on the third floor laboratory. How it got there, I don’t know.
ROCKY
Sam, of course! Angus set the money satchel on the lower shelf of that little cart the nurse wheels around. It was still there when she wheeled it out.
SAM
Oh, I see. Probably during the confusion after the murder. Well that about settles everything–
ROCKY
Ho, ho, ho! No, Sam, what about my fifteen grand? My dough?
MADISON
And my phone!
ROCKY
Please, Sam, give her back her phone. I’d rather never see my money again than to have to hear one more time about her phone.
SAM
Phone? Oh, yes, that odd contraption we found in Angus’ room. We assumed it was medical equipment and did not enter it into evidence. I believe this is what you have been after?
MADISON
My phone! Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry! I promise we’ll never be apart again!
SAM
Is this normal behavior for her, Jordan?
ROCKY
I don’t think “normal” plays into her behavior, Sam.
MADISON
Come on, you guys, let’s do a selfie!
SAM
Jordan, why is she puckering her lips like that?
ROCKY
Just smile, Sam.
MADISON
Okay, everybody say “Cairo!”
ROCKY/SAM
Cairo.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Rocky Jordan” was created to give the feel and flair of the exotic East as captured in the popular 1942 film, “Casablanca.” Rocky was often compared to Bogart’s “Rick,” but Rocky’s Café Tambourine was far more seedy than Rick’s café. Rocky first appeared in 1945 in a show called “A Man Named Jordan” set in Istanbul, not Constantinople, which was remade in 1948 as “Rocky Jordan” and set in Cairo. The writers brought authenticity to the show, using real street names and historic locations, by utilizing the “Pocket Guide to Egypt” published for the U.S. Army during World War Two. I just used Google Maps.