MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES: THE ACCIDENTAL MURDRESS”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: FEB 2022
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes! And now for our weekly visit with our good friend and host, Dr. Watson.
MADISON
Yeah?
ANNOUNCER
Oh, no.
MADISON
Hey! I remember you!
ANNOUNCER
Uh… yes. We met last year.
MADISON
Yeah! I’d just discovered that cafe with that old timey espresso machine. I was so hyped up on caffeine, if Red Bull gives you wings, that stuff gave me a jet pack.
ANNOUNCER
Back housesitting again for Dr. Watson?
MADISON
Yup! And dog sitting.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, dear! Hello… doggies.
MADISON
You wanna come in?
ANNOUNCER
No… no. I don’t want to bother you. Oh! Oh, my! You do slobber a lot, don’t you?
MADISON
Come on! This time Dr. Watson prepared me for your visit.
ANNOUNCER
Still… maybe it’s best if I wait until Dr. Watson returns. Oh! Nice doggies! Have you fed them recently?
MADISON
Dr. Watson wrote down what I should say to start off the story. Come on, sit down.
ANNOUNCER
Well… all right.
MADISON
Oh, you missed your opening. Once the dogs are on the sofa, they will not budge. They’re kinda territorial. I think they miss Dr. Watson and are being super protective of his stuff. The first two nights I had to sleep in a chair.
ANNOUNCER
Standing is… fine.
MADISON
Okay, let me read this, then. Dr. Watson said it’s a “recipe” for the latest Sherlock Holmes adventure. Hang on, I’ve been practicing. It’s better if you don’t make eye contact with them. Okay! “Take equal parts of beautiful English countryside and black villainy, mix, then add a dash of romance, a sprinkling of danger, season well with the usual theatrical condiments and you have: ‘The Case of the Accidental Murderess’.”
ANNOUNCER
Well, that sounds like a tasty dish.
MADISON
Does it? Because cooking analogies are totes lost on me. The only recipes I ever follow usually say “remove film before putting in microwave.”
ANNOUNCER
It was very nice. I said it was nice!
MADISON
They’ve got very strong opinions. Don’t take them seriously. Remember, they drink out of the toilet.
ANNOUNCER
So… the, um… story?
MADISON
Right, yeah! So, Sherlock needed a break, ya know? He wanted to go to Stratford-upon-Avon. I thought that sounded like fun but, disappointment! That isn’t where they make the lipstick.
ANNOUNCER
It’s, the, uh… home of Shakespeare.
MADISON
Sure. You’re boring. You’ve heard of it. So, Sherlock wanted to go to a Shakespeare Festival there. I thought “why not?” I hadn’t been to one in for-ever.
ANNOUNCER
Oh! You’re a fan of the theatre?
MADISON
I’m a fan of men in tights. And, explain this to me, why are men in Shakespeare always made fun of for wearing tights, but like, Superman does it and he’s all badass?
ANNOUNCER
I… couldn’t say.
MADISON
Oh, I’m sorry, do you have some place to be? Am I cutting into your “licking your own butt” hour? Shut up.
ANNOUNCER
Please, don’t antagonize them.
MADISON
Anyway, Sherlock and I were taking a walk through a nearby forest when it all started…
SCENE TWO
SHERLOCK
Madison, for once I wish I were a man of wealth.
MADISON
So you could afford a better hat?
SHERLOCK
My dear girl, I am quite pleased by my choice of haberdashery.
MADISON
Sorry, but that hat is gonna haunt your character for decades. Like, joke level: maximum.
SHERLOCK
Perhaps you are too quickly forgetting the amused glances you, yourself, have been drawing for the last week.
MADISON
You said we were going to a Shakespeare Festival.
SHERLOCK
And this prompted you to dress in an elaborate Elizabethan gown?
MADISON
I thought it was the same thing as Ren Faire. And I always cosplay “Lady Indiscretion” when I attend the royal festival.
SHERLOCK
You have been formally requested by the festival committee not to speak with that accent.
MADISON
I’m just trying to have a little fun. First you bring me to all those Shakespeare plays with no transcripts. Not very inclusive of people who don’t speak Old English.
SHERLOCK
A point you made abundantly clear during Hamlet’s every soliloquy.
MADISON
Then we go see Anne Hathaway’s house and instead of getting my guilty pleasure “Princess Diaries” fix, I find out it’s just the house of some old dead woman.
SHERLOCK
Shakespeare’s wife, yes.
MADISON
Snore. And now you’re dragging me through this forest on some sort of death march. I’m sweaty, my feet hurt and this corset is really restricting my breathing.
SHERLOCK
You had ample opportunity to change out of that gown.
MADISON
But my boobs look great in this bodice.
SHERLOCK
Oh, dear me, wait a minute. Our path seems to end here. Nothing but dense trees ahead of us.
MADISON
Then we can go back!
SHERLOCK
There’s another path over there. I think it leads down to the river.
MADISON
Good. Then I can recreate act four, scene seven where Ophelia drowns.
SHERLOCK
Well! And here I thought, with all that snoring coming from your seat, that you hadn’t been paying attention.
MADISON
Ah! The redneck locals are shooting at us! They don’t want city slickers in their woods!
SHERLOCK
Madison!
MADISON
What are you doing lying down?! You wanna end up like Ned Beatty?!
SHERLOCK
I think the bullet hit my shoulder.
MADISON
Oh, god! You’re bleeding! Wait, this isn’t like the last time we hung out when you pretended to be bleeding, is it? That brilliant plan of yours with fake blood that you didn’t tell me about?
SHERLOCK
I assure you, my bleeding is in earnest.
MADISON
So someone’s out there shooting at us?!
SHERLOCK
Fortunately, the bullet seems to have only grazed my shoulder. Let’s find out where it was fired from.
MADISON
I’d rather we go somewhere out of firing range. Like our hotel.
SHERLOCK
I heard the bullet hit the tree behind me. Yes, here we are. Do you have something I could use to dig it out with?
MADISON
Not unless you can use tampons.
SHERLOCK
I’ll just try this sharp rock.
MADISON
Do you think whoever’s out there shot you on purpose?
SHERLOCK
Well, I can’t imagine someone mistaking me for a rabbit. And by the way, there was a curious echo to the shot. I don’t know whether you noticed it.
MADISON
I was a little preoccupied ducking for cover.
SHERLOCK
Ah-ha! Here’s the bullet. Now, let me see… I was standing there. The line from this bullet hole in the tree to the spot where I was standing would indicate that the shot was fired from that cluster of trees over there. Come on, Madison, let’s see what a search discloses.
MADISON
Um… you sure you don’t want to see a doctor? You’re still bleeding. Like… a lot.
SHERLOCK
Superficial. It was merely a scratch. Now, if we head over to the– OW!! What did you just abruptly affix to my shoulder?
MADISON
Maxi-Pad. It’s an over-night one. So, it should absorb the bleeding.
SHERLOCK
Thank you. Hell-o. Look over there. A man and woman running towards us across the clearing.
MADISON
With guns! Let’s get out of here before we’re killed by the Clampetts!
JEFFREY
Was anyone hurt?
MADISON
Yeah! And we’re both armed, so don’t come any closer!
SHERLOCK
It’s only a scratch, I assure you.
ALICE
Oh, how dreadful! Look at the blood on your coat!
MADISON
Put those guns down or we’ll shoot!
JEFFREY
Pardon me?
SHERLOCK
You’ll have to excuse my companion here. She is American and has a tendency to spontaneously perform scenes from the Wild West.
ALICE
In an Elizabethan gown?
MADISON
I’m genre fluid.
JEFFREY
Are you certain you’re all right, sir?
SHERLOCK
Insofar, yes. Just how did this accident come to happen?
JEFFREY
We were out rabbit shooting.
MADISON
You’re out here killing innocent rabbits?! Is it to go with your ‘possom stew?
JEFFREY
I… I was teaching my wife to use a rifle.
ALICE
Yes. And I saw a rabbit scurry across the clearing. I raised the rifle and fired. It seems to me, Jeffrey, that as I did so, you jolted my arm.
JEFFREY
I’m afraid I did, Alice. I was going to fire, too, but as I raised my rifle, I jolted your elbow and sent your shot wild.
MADISON
I’m tellin’ ya, these rednecks have no sense of gun safety. They’re constantly shooting off their own toes.
JEFFREY
I can’t tell you how sorry I am, sir. Here’s my card. Of course, we’ll take care of any medical expenses.
MADISON
Medical expenses? I thought England had universal healthcare?
ALICE
May I help you remove your coat to see the wound?
SHERLOCK
I… I don’t think I can…
JEFFREY
He’s badly hurt!
SHERLOCK
No… It’s just that…
ALICE
Oh! The man’s fainted!
JEFFREY
This is dreadful! I have a horse and trap down the road, we can–
MADISON
You’re shooting rabbits and trapping horses?!
JEFFREY
It’s…It’s a carriage.
ALICE
Hurry, Jeffrey. We must get him to a hospital as fast as possible. You’ll come with us, of course?
MADISON
Well, it beats walking back. But if I hear a single banjo, I’m outta here.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Sherlock, you feelin’ any better? ‘Cuz you look like crap.
SHERLOCK
Has the nurse gone?
MADISON
Yeah. I think she’s getting the doctor.
SHERLOCK
And… the man and his wife?
MADISON
They’re in the waiting room. Found out their last name is “Markham” and they’re actually, like, rich posh people, not backwoods trailer trash.
SHERLOCK
Then… we’re alone?
MADISON
You want to be… alone with me? Is it the bodice? Okay. But, I really think we should wait until you’re feeling better. Last time I did it in a hospital bed, I opened the guy’s stitches. Infection, nearly lost a limb, blah, blah, blah.
SHERLOCK
Uh, no, my dear. Since we are alone, I can stop behaving as if I were at death’s door.
MADISON
You faked an injury again!
SHERLOCK
Yes, yes, I did Madison.
MADISON
Dick!
SHERLOCK
Ow!! But hold your punches, my shoulder is confoundedly painful, I assure you.
MADISON
Good. So, then, why’d you pretend to faint?
SHERLOCK
I recognized this Mrs. Markham, and I think she recognized me. It’s important she assume I’m out of action for a while.
MADISON
Why? Did you hit and ditch? Ghosted her after? Dick!
SHERLOCK
Ow!! No! Nothing of the sort! I just happen to have the knowledge that Mrs. Markham is, in reality, the notorious “Mrs. Dangerfield.”
MADISON
Rodney Dangerfield’s wife?
SHERLOCK
Mrs. Dangerfield was tried for the murder of her husband by poisoning. She was acquitted when the jury decided that he was a habitual arsenic addict who merely happened to take an accidental overdose.
MADISON
Arsenic addict? Maybe that’s why he never got any respect.
SHERLOCK
I was involved in the case. I tracked down the sale of the arsenic she claimed to have bought for cosmetic purposes.
MADISON
I’d usually use this as an opportunity to go off on how stupid old timey people were for using something like arsenic in makeup, but I’ve had botox so, we’ll just let that one go.
SHERLOCK
Therefore, naturally, my conclusion is that that shot was no accident. I’m certain that I was recognized.
MADISON
It’s the hat. I’m tellin’ ya.
SHERLOCK
And, unfortunately, her record is a bad one. Prior to her husband’s death, there was an episode in which her uncle was killed in a shooting accident. An uncle who left her a large fortune on his death.
MADISON
And she was there when the accident happened?
SHERLOCK
Yes. She is something of a femme fatale. Madison, I must plan my actions very cautiously. I’m up against a dangerous opponent.
MADISON
Well, you gotta stay in the hospital anyway. You haven’t even been seen by the doctor yet. I don’t know what your emergency rooms in 1800’s England are like, but I waited six hours to be seen at the ER in L.A. Apparently, spraining your ankle in stilettos takes a back seat to every gunshot wound and car accident in Los Angeles.
SHERLOCK
While the local staff are seeing to my injury, I want you to shadow the Markhams.
MADISON
Ooo! I get to be a detective and gather information? What disguise should I wear?
SHERLOCK
No disguises. They already know you as Madison Standish. You need to befriend them further so you may stick close to them. Make them believe I’m going to be kept here for several days. Find out as much as you can and then report to me.
MADISON
But… you always wear disguises.
SHERLOCK
How about you try and disguise your lack of breeding, manners, and intellect? Ow!
MADISON
And you can try and disguise your pain.
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
Mrs. Markham, it’s super nice of you to invite me over to your house for lunch.
ALICE
My dear Miss Standish, after injuring the famous Mr. Holmes, it’s the least I could do.
JEFFREY
Of course it is.
MADISON
Wait, you guys don’t think having me over for lunch makes you even for shooting Sherlock, do you?
ALICE
Well… no…
MADISON
Because he could still sue your ass.
JEFFREY
I’d hardly expect it to come to that.
MADISON
Let’s start by seeing what’s on the menu. I assume you’ve got a vegan option?
ALICE
Um… I’d like to check with the cook. Jeffrey, dear, perhaps you could inquire? And bring us some sherry. It’s the maid’s day off, you know.
JEFFREY
Very well, Alice. Is anyone else coming to lunch?
ALICE
Only Dennis Rodney.
MADISON
Dennis Rodney… Rodney Dangerfield! Sherlock was right!
JEFFREY
Dennis? Oh, Lord, that fellow seems to live here. Well, I’ll go speak to the cook and get the sherry.
ALICE
Sit down, won’t you, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Thanks. But with this hoop skirt, it’s easier if I stand.
ALICE
You’re… uh… wearing that gown for the Shakespeare Festival, you say?
MADISON
Yeah, but I’m kinda over it. It’s like wearing your clubbing dress home the next morning. I don’t feel pretty anymore. I just want to put on yoga pants.
ALICE
You, uh, you say that you think Mr. Holmes will be in the hospital for some days?
MADISON
Yeah. He bled like a virgin on a heavy day.
ALICE
Oh! My goodness. Well, I feel perfectly dreadful about it.
MADISON
Not your fault. It was an accident. Right?
ALICE
Yes, but I might so easily have killed him.
MADISON
Well, hard to kill off the leads on their own show. Unless there’s contract disputes. So, who’s this Dennis Rodney guy?
ALICE
He’s an actor from the Memorial Theater. Perhaps you’ve seen him on the stage?
MADISON
Ah, yeah. Sherlock’s been dragging me to a different Shakespeare show every night. I have no idea what anybody is saying. It’s like watching a telenovela. You gotta guess the plot by who they’re sleeping with or stabbing.
ALICE
Oh, you’d have no trouble understanding Dennis. He’s a fine actor. It’s just a shame that they give him such poor parts.
MADISON
They say there are no small parts, only small actors, but those people have never been a movie extra. The part is not only small, but you’re basically set dressing that breathes.
ALICE
I’m still flabbergasted by them letting that frightful Basil Grant play Hamlet last night. When Dennis only played Laertes. Dennis is three times the better actor.
MADISON
Uh-oh. Danger, Will Robinson.
ALICE
I beg your pardon?
MADISON
You’ve got the hots for Dennis. And not hiding it very well, sweetie.
ALICE
What? No! He’s coaching me in acting, that’s all.
MADISON
Yeah, uh-huh. I can recognize the signs, girl. My sister had the hots for my boyfriend and was all flirty and stuff with him – until I shaved half her head while she was sleeping. Only the goths would hang out with her after that.
ALICE
I assure you, it’s nothing like that. Dennis thinks that I might be able to get small parts here next season.
MADISON
Okay, we’ll go with that for now. But I’ve been watching the show, “Cheaters” for, like, two decades. And have been both the “cheated on” and the “cheater.” I know that of which I speak.
ALICE
Oh, here’s Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
This sherry is rather special, Miss Standish. Only a few bottles left in the world.
MADISON
I’ve been getting into that wine-in-a-can. It’s great because you can put a koozie on it and everyone just thinks it’s soda. You can drink openly at the beach, on public transportation, at Six Flags… Oh! But I don’t recommend the rollercoasters after having four of them. I think three is the limit before puke-age.
ALICE
That must be Dennis. I’ll go let him in.
JEFFREY
We might as well have a drink, Miss Standish. You’ll find it’ll help make this actor fellow more tolerable.
MADISON
I find drinking makes everything more tolerable. Except rollercoasters.
JEFFREY
Well, Dennis endlessly reciting Shakespeare can certainly put a strain on your nerves.
MADISON
Yeah. I had a boyfriend who constantly quoted Monty Python. He didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition, or me breaking up with him at his birthday party.
JEFFREY
Dennis has Alice completely fooled.
MADISON
If by “fooled” you mean “horny.”
ALICE
Dennis, I want to introduce you to Miss Standish.
MADISON
Oh! Hey! Okay, girl, I see the appeal. He’s not Ryan Reynolds, People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” circa 2010, but I bet he could pull off The Green Lantern. I think Ryan in tights woulda saved that movie.
DENNIS
How do you do?
MADISON
I do it with no complaints.
DENNIS
Hello, Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
Do you want a glass of sherry?
DENNIS
Thanks. That would be very nice. That’s a very fine gown, Miss Standish. It rivals that of our Cordelia.
MADISON
Cordelia, like, from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”?
DENNIS
“King Lear.” In which I shall perform tonight.
JEFFREY
Here’s your sherry, Dennis.
ALICE
Don’t be frosty, Jeffrey. And please remember that Dennis is our guest.
DENNIS
Oh, it’s all right, Alice. I know that Jeffrey’s bark is a good deal worse than his bite.
MADISON
No one has ever said that about a Chihuahua. Those little suckers can latch on to you like a barnacle to a boat.
DENNIS
I’d invite you to my performance tonight, Miss Standish, but I shall, once again, portray the thankless role of the King of France while that incredibly bad actor, Basil Grant, butchers Lear.
ALICE
I thought his Hamlet was atrocious last night, Dennis.
DENNIS
Oh, indeed it was: “Oh horrible, horrible, most horrible!”
MADISON
“We are the Knights who say ‘Ni!'”
DENNIS
When Basil came to his final line, “The rest is silence,” it was as much as I could do to prevent myself from cheering.
JEFFREY
I felt rather the same way when you were killed in a duel, Dennis.
MADISON
Ooo! Feel that burn!
ALICE
Oh, Jeffrey, you’re being intolerably rude.
MADISON
I thought it was funny.
ALICE
Why don’t you take Miss Standish upstairs and show her your butterfly collection? Then at least you’ll know what you’re talking about.
JEFFREY
Are you interested in butterflies, Miss Standish? I have quite a rare collection.
MADISON
O.M.G! You’ve got one of those butterfly pavilions in your house?! That’s my dream fairy bedroom.
JEFFREY
Come on then, we’ve got time before lunch.
ALICE
Try to bring yourself down with a few better manners, Jeffrey dear.
JEFFREY
I’m really quite an easy-going man Miss Standish, but the arrogance of that fellow, Rodney, just infuriates me.
MADISON
Yeah. It’s always a bummer when a hot guy turns out to be a total douche. It’s like biting into a chocolate chip cookie, only to discover the chocolate chips are actually raisins. Ack.
JEFFREY
Don’t put too much weight on that balcony rail, it’s absolutely full of wormholes. Part of the “attraction of an old house,” my wife tells me.
MADISON
That’s the excuse my landlord used for why he wouldn’t replace the original 70’s shag carpeting. By the time I lived there, the shag was so worn, it looked like a hippie with a receding hairline.
JEFFREY
Well, I’ll tell you, I regard it as confoundedly dangerous.
MADISON
Hey, I lost many an earring in that shag carpet. Only to find them again when I was barefoot.
JEFFREY
This is my little museum! In these cases I think you’ll find some of the finest specimens of Lepidoptera that you’ve ever seen.
MADISON
The butterflies are all dead!
JEFFREY
It’s my hobby, and I may say that with the exception of the Natural History Museum, I doubt if you’ll find a finer collection.
MADISON
Eh! You kill rabbits, trap horses, and slaughter butterflies?
JEFFREY
These are quite normal pursuits, I assure you.
MADISON
Inflicting pain on creatures smaller than yourself is the hobby of a serial killer. Do you have a basement full of dead prostitutes?
JEFFREY
There is a great deal of care that goes into killing my butterflies. I must preserve them in pristine condition.
MADISON
Yeah? And how do you do that, Hannibal Lecter?
JEFFREY
With poison.
MADISON
Oh… like arsenic?
JEFFREY
Cyanide.
MADISON
Not arsenic? Like, you wouldn’t happen to have any arsenic around for maybe… your wife’s beauty products?
JEFFREY
You heard me say cyanide. Why do you keep talking of arsenic? Are you trying to hint at something?
MADISON
Am I seriously being too subtle? Because usually I’m more obvious than stretch pants on a WalMart shopper.
JEFFREY
There’s the luncheon gong. Let’s go downstairs.
MADISON
You’re pissed now.
JEFFREY
No, No. I apologize. My nerves are a little bit on edge today. It must have been that accident with your friend that upset me. I really must get that balcony rail mended.
JEFFREY
Shh, shh.
MADISON
What?
JEFFREY
My wife and young Rodney. They’re going into lunch. Listen.
DENNIS
But darling, why won’t he understand?
ALICE
Oh, Dennis. Jeffrey has no imagination. He’s never understood me.
JEFFREY
Well, they say listeners never hear good of themselves. You know, sometimes I wonder if my wife wouldn’t like me out of the way.
MADISON
That almost happened to me when the other girls tried to get me kicked off the cheerleading squad. Thankfully, the head coach had a crush on me. She was the only woman I ever knew who looked good in men’s shorts.
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
And that’s pretty much the episode recap.
SHERLOCK
A very interesting story, Madison. And so you think that Mrs. Markham is planning to kill her husband?
MADISON
Well, she’s totes in love with the actor douche and is way over her husband. And if she’s anything like the girls on my cheerleading squad, she’ll drop him on his head during the human pyramid.
SHERLOCK
Human pyramid?
MADISON
Well, in his case, push him through that crappy old banister. And without one of those blue gym mats, he won’t walk away with just bruised knees and a fist-full of Amber Nelson’s hair.
SHERLOCK
Mr. Markham became very evasive, you say, when you mentioned arsenic?
MADISON
Oh, yeah. I remembered what you said about “Mrs. Dangerfield,” so I purposely mentioned it. I think he knows and was covering up for her. Which, honestly, is very sweet. Like, if the guy isn’t the type to help you bury a body, why are you even with him?
SHERLOCK
You’ve exerted your charms sufficiently enough to obtain an invitation to visit the Markhams again, I trust?
MADISON
Yeah, I’m going back this afternoon. Some sort of picnic with tea and boating? As long as it’s not a six-pack and an outboard. Two missing frat boys and a night in a Florida jail cell. Still not my worst spring break.
SHERLOCK
You’ve done splendidly, Madison, splendidly.
MADISON
Thanks. I figured I needed to come back here and tell you everything. And now I can change out of this gown. I’m starting to smell like someone from the Renaissance.
SHERLOCK
Well, I am quite impressed. The next time Watson is otherwise engaged, I may have to call upon you again.
MADISON
As long as you stop with the phony injuries. You’re like a soccer player faking a foul. Next time, I’ll kick you in the shins. With cleats.
SHERLOCK
Fair enough.
MADISON
So, uh, how’re ya doin’, anyway?
SHERLOCK
I’m fine. But the House Surgeon did discover a very interesting fact.
MADISON
Oh, no! Wait till the tests come back. It’s not always cancer.
SHERLOCK
My dear girl, it has nothing to do with cancer! I am fit as a fiddle!
MADISON
Could be lung cancer. You do smoke that pipe a lot.
SHERLOCK
Look in the drawer beside my bed, will you?
MADISON
Ew! Are those toenail clippers?
SHERLOCK
Beside those.
MADISON
Oh. What is that? A bullet?
SHERLOCK
A bullet that the House Surgeon removed from my shoulder.
MADISON
Like the bullet we found in the tree– but there was only supposed to be one bullet fired! O.M.G.!
SHERLOCK
“O.M.G.,” indeed. Therefore, two bullets were fired.
MADISON
What does that mean?
SHERLOCK
That means that we have a dangerous task ahead of us. Not to solve a murder, but to prevent one.
MADISON
Of course, if Jeffrey dies, that could save the lives of literally hundreds of butterflies.
SHERLOCK
Madison!
MADISON
Devil’s advocate.
PROMO BREAK: THE ZED 1 PODCAST
SCENE SIX
ANNOUNCER
Madison, what happened next? We left you at Sherlock Holmes’ bedside in the hospital.
MADISON
You don’t have to whisper. Those dogs’ll sleep through anything. The other night, some horses ran down an old beggar woman in the street– dogs didn’t even twitch.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, my goodness!
MADISON
Right? Like, not the best guard dogs in the world.
ANNOUNCER
So… uh… Did the picnic with Mr. and Mrs. Markham prove an exciting one?
MADISON
When has a “picnic” ever been “exciting”? Ugh, maybe for you. You get off on Dr. Watson telling you long winded stories every week.
ANNOUNCER
Um… are they waking up?
MADISON
But, there’s nothing else to do around here. No T.V., no internet — nothing but medical books. I tried reading his copy of “Gray’s Anatomy,” but clearly the writers of the show took liberties with the source material.
ANNOUNCER
I think I saw one of the dogs open his eyes.
MADISON
But, ohmahgod, the “picnic.” It was like a bad reality show. Or a “good” bad reality show. Lots of fighting. Then, Mr. Markam totes fell in the river.
ANNOUNCER
Fell… or… eh… p-pushed?
MADISON
I dunno. I didn’t see it. My back was to him. I always try to position myself so the wind naturally blows my hair like in one of those shampoo commercials.
ANNOUNCER
Was… was Mr. Markam all right? Oh my!
MADISON
Aw! Wook who’s up! Who’s da puppy? Yeah, Markham was fine. He was all freaked out, so we went back as fast as we could.
ANNOUNCER
I only ask because you mentioned his wife might be trying to– K- kill him?
MADISON
Yeah, but, c’mon, it was a little river in the English countryside. In California, I’ve seen surfers dragged out to sea.
ANNOUNCER
Maybe we can skip ahead. You returned to the Markham home?
MADISON
Yeah. I thought if Jeffrey was gonna be a whiney bitch about the whole thing, he should just go to bed, and Alice totally agreed…
SCENE SEVEN
ALICE
Jeffrey, dear, I do wish you’d follow Madison’s advice and go to bed.
JEFFREY
For the fifth time, Alice, I will not go to bed. I’m perfectly all right. Though, it’s no thanks to you and Dennis.
DENNIS
What do you mean by that remark, Jeffrey?
JEFFREY
You know perfectly well what I mean. It wasn’t an accident that I fell in the river. One of you two pushed me.
MADISON
Oh, my gawd! Nancy Kerrigan didn’t whine this much when Tonya Harding beat her knee with a metal club. Why, why, why! Shut up, already!
JEFFREY
You were in the boat, Miss Standish. Didn’t you see what happened?
MADISON
No. The wind was coming from the South East.
ALICE
Oh, Jeffrey, you’re talking rubbish.
JEFFREY
Well, then, we’ll call it an “accident.” An accident that happened, by a curious coincidence, just where the river is deepest and the reeds thickest.
MADISON
You weren’t gonna drown. That so called “river” is tame enough to have little kids in paddle boats.
DENNIS
Jeffrey, I don’t like your tone. You can accuse me of anything you like, but if you start suggesting that Alice–
JEFFREY
If you don’t like the way I talk to my wife, I suggest that you don’t come to my house. I’m going to get a scarf. I’m chilly.
ALICE
Miss Standish, I must apologize for my husband’s behavior. I don’t know what’s come over him.
MADISON
Oh, come on. You two are not subtle. I get where he’s coming from.
DENNIS
Well, I wish I did. I don’t mind his yelling at me, but he’s being so abominably rude to you, Alice. The last couple of weeks he’s been getting worse than ever.
MADISON
Two cents? Maybe try not blatantly flirting with a hot younger guy in front of your husband?
ALICE
Oh, it’s not that. He knows Dennis and I are only friends.
MADISON
I’m sure that’s what Brad told Jennifer about Angelina.
ALICE
It’s just been different ever since Jeffrey and I had that argument about the insurance policies.
MADISON
Insurance?
ALICE
Yes. We took out quite large policies on each other’s lives recently.
DENNIS
You didn’t tell me that, Alice.
ALICE
It was Jeffrey’s idea. And yet, when the insurance man came here, you would’ve thought I was forcing him into taking out the policy.
MADISON
Oh, girl! Okay, thanks to Johnny Dollar, I’m a licensed insurance investigator. Well, maybe “licensed” is a total lie, but I do have some experience in this area.
DENNIS
Sounds as if you don’t approve of insurance, Miss Standish.
MADISON
It just gives Alice more motive to kill her– ha-ha! Ya know! Nothing. And, like Mario Lopez, I’m saved by the bell.
ALICE
Who could that be? I wasn’t expecting anyone. Answer the door, Dennis, won’t you?
JEFFREY
Oh, good day. Welcome. Please, do come in.
SHERLOCK
Well, thank you very much, Mr. Markham.
DENNIS
It sounds as if Jeffrey has already done so.
JEFFREY
Oh, Alice, we have a visitor.
SHERLOCK
Good evening, Mrs. Markham. Hello, Madison.
MADISON
Sherlock? Well, so much for keeping a low profile in the hospital. I guess if you’re the show’s title character, you need to make an appearance in the second act.
ALICE
Well, I’m delighted to see you, Mr. Holmes. Though, I understood from your friend that you would be in the hospital for several days.
MADISON
That’s what he told me to tell you.
SHERLOCK
The constitution of an ox, and the obstinacy of a mule, are two characteristics of mine that have combined to make it possible for my early departure from the hospital.
MADISON
I’ll confirm that. He is an ass.
SHERLOCK
How do you do, Mr. Rodney? I think I’ve seen you at the theater. My name is Sherlock Holmes.
DENNIS
How do you do, sir?
ALICE
You’ll stay for supper, I hope?
SHERLOCK
If it’s not inconvenient, Mrs. Markham.
ALICE
Of course it isn’t. I’ll go in and arrange for it.
MADISON
I’m so glad you’re here, Sherlock. I’ve got the motive!
JEFFREY
What did you say, Miss Standish?
SHERLOCK
I’m glad to see you, too, Miss Standish. Let’s take a stroll out on the terrace, shall we?
MADISON
What?
SHERLOCK
It’s rather warm inside this evening.
MADISON
Then take off your coat. I know it matches that hat of yours, but don’t you think this whole look is rather on-the-nose for Sherlock Holmes?
SHERLOCK
Do you mind if we step outside, Mr. Markham?
JEFFREY
Not at all. You can go out through the French windows.
SHERLOCK
Thank you so much. Come along, Madison.
MADISON
What’s your deal, Sherlock? I’ve only ever been rushed out of a party when I was totally wasted. And, trust me, that “sherry” of Jeffrey’s has less of a kick than NyQuil.
SHERLOCK
You’ll excuse me, but I didn’t want you revealing what you’ve learned about the case in front of the involved parties.
MADISON
Well, at least this time you didn’t fake a severed limb or something.
SHERLOCK
While you’ve spent the afternoon with the Markhams, I, myself, have not been idle. I think our stage is set. I have a feeling that I may contribute to a rather dramatic last act curtain. Ow!! Why did you punch my injured shoulder?
MADISON
Pain is dramatic.
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
O.M.G…. Alice, I can’t believe this isn’t real beef! This is the best vegan stew I’ve ever had.
ALICE
Oh… is that what “vegan” means?
MADISON
Your cook does wonders with tofu.
ALICE
Tofu? Eh… Mr. Holmes you’re not eating very much.
SHERLOCK
My appetite is a trifle jaded. The mental fencing we have indulged in during the meal has been somewhat disturbing.
ALICE
I don’t understand you.
MADISON
You’re not alone. Seriously, how is this only vegetable stock? So good!
SHERLOCK
Oh, come now, Madame. I know that you were once Mrs. Dangerfield and you know that I know it. Why keep up the pretense any longer?
ALICE
Very well, Mr. Holmes, but we needn’t converse in lower voices. Jeffrey, Dennis. I want you to listen to this. Mr. Sherlock Holmes knows that I was once Mrs. Dangerfield. He’s apparently under the impression that this is a dark secret of mine. Mr. Holmes, Jeffrey knew and loved me before I ever married Mr. Dangerfield.
JEFFREY
Of course I did, Mr. Holmes.
ALICE
He stood by me during the whole horrible trial after my first husband’s death. And I told Dennis about the whole miserable business months ago. So I really don’t see that you’ve uncovered any great secret.
MADISON
Oh, man! Sherlock! Your pitch was so outside the plate, the bat boy had to fish it outta the dug out.
SHERLOCK
How’s that?
MADISON
Sorry, I can’t put it in terms of Cricket. I only know American sports.
SHERLOCK
Mrs. Markham, I have a feeling that it’s only a matter of moments before secrets reveal themselves.
JEFFREY
Secrets? So, Alice, you haven’t got any secrets from Dennis, either, eh?
ALICE
There’s no need to shout, Jeffrey.
JEFFREY
There’s no need for Dennis to be in my house! Get out, Rodney and stay out! This business between you and Alice has gone far enough!
DENNIS
I’ll go when Alice tells me to!
MADISON
This is what it was like on the boat, Sherlock. I was ready go full on “Robert Wagner” on all three of those “Natalie Woods.”
ALICE
Jeffrey, please. We have guests.
JEFFREY
Well, if Dennis won’t go, then I’m not going to sit here. I’m going upstairs!
SHERLOCK
You’re shaking like a leaf, sir. You’ve got a fever. Don’t you think you’d better go to bed?
JEFFREY
Mind your own business and leave me alone!
SHERLOCK
Mrs. Markham, I really think that you should persuade your husband to go upstairs and lie down.
MADISON
Oh, Sherlock! Never get in the middle of a couple’s fight. Just secretly film it on your phone and put it up on TikTok. It’ll go viral.
ALICE
Don’t worry, Mr. Holmes, I know how to handle him. I’ll take him up. Put an arm around my shoulder, Jeffrey. Come along.
JEFFREY
Very well.
MADISON
Dude! She’s gonna take him up the stairs with that crappy banister! What were you even thinking, Sherlock?!
DENNIS
What are you suggesting, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Oh, like you don’t know, ya gigolo. Although, as an actress myself, I do commend your gold digging efforts with Mrs. Markham. Better that supporting yourself working in food service, am I right?
SHERLOCK
Shush, both of you! Come with me and watch.
MADISON
She’s on the outside of Jeffrey.
ALICE
Jeffrey, be careful!
MADISON
O.M.G.!!! Jeffrey fell into her!
DENNIS
Alice! Are you all right?
MADISON
He totally pushed her into the railing! What the M. Knight Shyamalan is going on here?!
DENNIS
Alice!
ALICE
Jeffrey tried to push me through the railing!
JEFFREY
That’s a lie!
SHERLOCK
No, it’s not, sir. The three of us were watching you from below.
MADISON
Wait, the crappy banister didn’t break. Clearly not made by IKEA.
SHERLOCK
I can explain that, Madison. This afternoon, while you were all at your picnic, I came here with a local carpenter. You had informed me that it was the maid’s day off, so I took the liberty of reinforcing that decaying wood work.
MADISON
Extreme Home Makeover! You go, Ty Pennington!
JEFFREY
What the blazes do you think you’ve been up to, Holmes?
SHERLOCK
Preventing murder, sir, and finding the true solution to the Dangerfield case.
ALICE
What do you mean, Mr. Holmes, the true solution?
SHERLOCK
Surely it’s obvious to you, Mrs. Markham. You have told us that your present husband loved you before you married Mr. Dangerfield.
ALICE
What of it?
SHERLOCK
It was he who “accidentally” killed your uncle so that you might inherit a fortune, and it was he who “accidentally” gave your first husband an overdose of arsenic. Arsenic that he obtained for the purpose of destroying butterflies.
MADISON
I knew he was a serial killer! Butterflies be revenged!
SHERLOCK
And it was he who tried to send you to your death by pushing you through that railing.
JEFFREY
All I’ve been trying to do is conceal the fact that my wife was a murderess!
ALICE
Jeffrey! How can you say that?
DENNIS
Markham, if you–
SHERLOCK
Just a moment, Mr. Rodney. I’m not through with him yet.
MADISON
Ooo! Both barrels, Sherlock!
JEFFREY
This is all very dramatic, Mr. Holmes, but I wonder how you’re going to be able to prove it.
SHERLOCK
Miss Standish, Mr. Rodney and I will testify to the attempt that you’ve just made on Mrs. Markham’s life.
MADISON
And I’ll testify to your butterfly murder room!
SHERLOCK
I was thinking more about his attempt on my life in the woods.
MADISON
Oh, yeah! All those innocent rabbits!
JEFFREY
But my wife has already admitted to firing the shot!
SHERLOCK
That’s true, sir, but two shots were fired. The one that your wife fired we found in the tree, but the one that you fired was extracted from my shoulder in the hospital.
MADISON
So the two shots were fired at the same time?
SHERLOCK
You remember, Madison, that I commented on the curious “echo.” And Mrs. Markham told us that her arm was jolted as she pulled the trigger. That was when the other rifle was fired.
MADISON
Two gunmen! I knew it couldn’t’ve been just her in the book depository.
SHERLOCK
Mr. Markham didn’t want me on the scene when he staged his latest accident, and so he tried to kill me.
ALICE
What kind of a devil have I been living with all these years?!
DENNIS
I think I’m going to kill you, Markham.
JEFFREY
Don’t come near me! Keep away from me!
SHERLOCK
Save it for the law courts, Mr. Rodney. British justice may be slow, as indeed it was in the Dangerfield case, but in the long run, it surely will find Mr. Markham on the gallows.
MADISON
He’s a rich white dude. In America he wouldn’t even go to jail. He’d become a correspondent for FOX News.
SCENE NINE
ANNOUNCER
Well, tell me, Madison, did Mr. Markham finally end up on the gallows?
MADISON
Ooo. Got yourself a morbid side. I like that. Although it’s a bit weakened by the fact that you’re standing on a chair.
ANNOUNCER
Do you think he’s done chewing my pocket watch?
MADISON
You wanna take it away from him? To answer your ghoulish question, yes! They old school hanged Markham! And, O.M.G. I got to go to Alice and Dennis’ wedding! One last chance to wear my Elizabethan gown.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, it was a themed wedding?
MADISON
No.
ANNOUNCER
Well, that was an exciting story. Thank you for sharing. I really must be going!
MADISON
Don’t you want to hear about next week’s story? Dr. Watson wrote down what he wanted me to say.
ANNOUNCER
Actually, eh… I’m rather late for another engagement. Why don’t you give me that paper and I’ll read it on my ride home.
MADISON
Are you sure? Because I’ve practiced this one, too. “Next week’s recipe. Take the spice of North Africa–“
ANNOUNCER
I simply must be going! Good night!
MADISON
Oh, my god, you guys. Training you to growl and bark at that dude was time well spent. Who wants a cookie?
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” continued the on-screen pairing of Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce who appeared in fourteen Sherlock Holmes films from 1939 through 1946. Some fun facts about Basil Rathbone, he was born in 1892, so he was alive when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was still writing many of the Holmes stories, and, relating to our episode, Basil Rathbone was a trained Shakespearean actor who actually appeared on stage in a Shakespeare Festival in Stratford-upon-Avon. And although he died in 1967, his last appearance as Sherlock Holmes came nearly 20 years after his death when Disney released “The Great Mouse Detective” using archival sound of Mr. Rathbone’s voice.