MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN: BATMAN’S GREAT MYSTERY”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: DEC 2020
SCENE ONE
NARRATOR
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!
MADISON
O.M.G.! I’m on a kid’s superhero show? And it’s not even the Marvel Universe. It’s Superman.
NARRATOR
Yes, it’s Superman! Strange visitor from the planet Krypton, who came to Earth with amazing physical powers– Far beyond those of mortal men.
MADISON
Yeah, no, we got it.
NARRATOR
And who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, wages a never-ending battle for truth and justice!
MADISON
Well, at least it’s the 40s so he won’t be all dark and broody.
NARRATOR
Today, in his guise of Clark Kent, Superman receives startling news from Robin, the young companion of the famous Batman.
MADISON
Oh, hang on. A Superman/Batman crossover? So is this gonna be like, “Dawn of Justice” with the Affleck Batman or what?
NARRATOR
Robin, the Boy Wonder–
MADISON
Oh, wait, you said Robin’s in this? Then it’s not the Affleck. Or the Bale. Not even Keaton. We’re looking at either what… Clooney or West? Please be West.
NARRATOR
Robin, who is visibly upset, explains the situation to Clark.
MADISON
Dude, what happened to Robin? Oh, crap, I’m Robin?
KENT
You’re obviously not the Boy Wonder.
MADISON
Usin’ your x-ray vision on that one, are ya?
KENT
So, what did you come here to tell me?
MADISON
Uh, hang on, let me find the page… OH! Here it is. “Batman is gone, Superman.”
KENT
I’m wearing the glasses.
MADISON
Oh, yeah! How in radio can anyone tell whether you’re Clark Kent or Superman? Without a visual, I mean. You sound exactly the same.
KENT
Because when I have the glasses on, the other characters know to call me, “Mr. Kent.”
MADISON
Ah, gotcha. Mr. Kent.
KENT
Batman’s gone, you say? What do you mean?
MADISON
Uh…
KENT
Are you afraid you’ll never see him again?
MADISON
No. He’s still got TV and movies coming out so–
KENT
Just the same, perhaps I should look into his disappearance.
MADISON
Sure. Sounds like a plan. Ooo. I hope I’m the Nightwing Robin. All the other Robins are kinda douchey.
SCENE TWO
NARRATOR
When Clark Kent, who is really Superman,–
MADISON
Are you gonna say that through the entire show? Because everybody already knows that.
NARRATOR
–received urgent news from Robin, the young companion of the famous Batman, Superman hurried to the handsome mansion which the Dynamic Duo occupy in their true identities of Dick Grayson–
MADISON
“Madison Standish.”
NARRATOR
Uh… right. Madison Standish and Bruce Wayne. Kent found the young Robin greatly agitated.
MADISON
“Oh, gosh, what – what’ll I do, Mr. Kent? What’ll I do?”
KENT
First thing you must do is pull yourself together and tell me exactly what happened.
MADISON
“I’m afraid he’s gone forever.”
KENT
Forever?! He… he’s not… dead, is he?
MADISON
No, he’s not dead. Jeez. Able to leap to conclusions in a single bound?
KENT
So why did you come to see me, then?
MADISON
Okay, basically the gist of it is, Batman went out of town and he left a note that if he wasn’t back in like, a week, we’d probably never see him again.
KENT
How long ago was that?
MADISON
Uh… what’s today… Wednesday?
KENT
Did he tell you where he was going?
MADISON
Hey, if it were me and I had Bruce Wayne’s money, I’d just go buy an island next to Johnny Depp and be like, “screw you, suckers, I’m out.”
KENT
Did he give you any idea why he was going away?
MADISON
No. Not a chatty guy, Batman.
KENT
Hmm… Did you question Alfred, your butler? Maybe Batman said something to him. Or Inspector Henderson?
MADISON
Inspector who? N-n-no, we have… oh, what’s his name… Commissioner Gordon.
KENT
Henderson is in my universe.
MADISON
So I’m confused. Are we in Gotham or Metropolis?
KENT
Somehow this just doesn’t add up. I’m sure Batman wouldn’t have walked out knowing he might never come back without leaving some tiny hint.
MADISON
Maybe he didn’t have time.
KENT
Wait a minute. Maybe he couldn’t leave a hint. Maybe he didn’t have time!
MADISON
I literally just said that.
KENT
Where were you the last time you saw him?
MADISON
I was in the Bat Cave trying to see if I could sync the Bat Computer with my iPhone. But it runs on like, DOS.
KENT
And where was Batman?
MADISON
Some guy came to see him. They were in the… I’m gonna say… book room?
KENT
Library?
MADISON
No, the other one.
KENT
Study?
MADISON
Excuse me for being raised in a modest suburban home without libraries or studies.
KENT
Come on, Madison, let’s go down to the study. I want to have a look around there.
SCENE THREE
KENT
Any luck, Madison? See anything odd or out of place?
MADISON
Ask Alfred. I don’t clean up in here.
KENT
Wait a minute, what’s this? A recording machine! To record phone calls and radio programs.
MADISON
You record stuff with that? It looks like an end table with speakers.
KENT
It’s a top of the line recording device using a spool of recording wire.
MADISON
If you’re impressed by that, digital is gonna blow your mind.
KENT
Look! There’s something newly recorded!
MADISON
How can you even tell?
KENT
It may mean Batman used the machine when he was with the stranger on the night he disappeared! Turn it on!
MADISON
Okay… uh… Alexa, play wire recordy-thingy.
KENT
Maybe we should just use the on-switch.
WAYNE
That’s a strange request, Mr. uh– Jones, you said your name was?
JONES
Jones is right, Mr. Wayne. But, strange or not, I insist that you come to my place with me now to discuss the matter.
KENT
Is that the man you heard with Batman that night, Madison?
MADISON
Maybe? I dunno, I wasn’t listening. I had my ear buds in.
WAYNE
Why can’t we discuss it right now? You think I might have spies around here, huh?
JONES
Let’s just say I prefer not to take chances.
WAYNE
You amuse me, Mr. Jones. You don’t want to take chances, but you don’t hesitate to ask me to take them. You must admit it sounds pretty fishy.
MADISON
This is boring. Can’t we listen to something else?
KENT
We’re trying to find out what happened to Batman.
MADISON
Maybe he finally shacked up with Catwoman.
JONES
That’s sheer nonsense, Mr. Wayne, as you’ll find out. But we’re wasting time. Will you come to my place?
WAYNE
No, I don’t believe I will.
JONES
Oh, I think you will, Mr. Wayne, because if you don’t, I shall be compelled to reveal to the world that you, Bruce Wayne, are Batman.
KENT
Great Scott!
MADISON
So much for secret identities. Can I take off this Robin costume now?
KENT
No, you may not. There was something vaguely familiar about the voice of that fellow Jones. Oh, if only I could place him!
MADISON
That happened to me once at a party junior year-college. I coulda sworn I recognized this guy, but it wasn’t until we were having sex that I was like, right… he’s the guy who makes sheep noises whenever he–
KENT
This is still a family show.
MADISON
My bad.
KENT
This is why I don’t have a sidekick.
MADISON
What are you looking for now?
KENT
For… Ah-ha! Scissors! I can cut off the part where Jones tells Bruce he’s Batman. That way I can play this recording for other people, and maybe someone will recognize Jones’ voice.
MADISON
Seriously. Digital. Game changer.
SCENE FOUR
NARRATOR
Superman, under the guise of mild mannered reporter, Clark Kent,–
MADISON
So, glasses on.
NARRATOR
–played the recording of Batman and the mysterious man, Jones, for the staff at the Daily Planet, but not a single person recognized the voice of Batman’s visitor.
KENT
Maybe we’ll have some luck yet. Inspector Henderson was going to have a fingerprint expert go over the study in your house.
MADISON
Boy this episode is riveting. Playing tapes and dusting for fingerprints.
KENT
Oh, excuse me, will you?
MADISON
When does this superhero show actually get to some action?
KENT
Clark Kent speaking… Oh, yes, Inspector. Did your fingerprint men turn up anything?
MADISON
I mean, seriously, we’re in the fourth scene and you haven’t used your x-ray vision, bent a steel bar, flown anywhere… what’s the point of having superpowers if you’re just gonna investigate everything as some schlub in glasses?
KENT
What?! What did you say, Inspector?!
MADISON
Ooo! He found something?! What he find?!
KENT
Oh, no! But that’s impossible!
MADISON
O.M.G. it’s Joker, right? And Batman is being held in a warehouse dangling upside down over a vat of acid, his rope dropping him ever closer and closer, unless we fly there and save him in the nick of time!
KENT
It’s far worse than that. Come with me, Madison.
MADISON
Worse? The Riddler has strapped a bomb to him that only a riddle will deactivate?
KENT
Worse!
MADISON
Penguin has Batman frozen in a block of ice that when it thaws, sharks will eat him!
KENT
Much, much worse!
NARRATOR
What amazing news did Kent receive from Inspector Henderson?!
MADISON
What are you doing?! Cutting to a commercial break? We don’t have commercials!
NARRATOR
We’ll be back in a moment to find out!
SCENE FIVE
NARRATOR
And now, back to The Adventures of Superman!… As we continue, Clark Kent and young Madison Standish, who is really Robin, have arrived at the Metropolis Auditorium where a huge throng mills around the doors, trying to push their way into the already crowded building. There, Kent flashes his press card and, followed by Madison, is ushered into the auditorium to seats in the front row, directly below the empty, flag-draped stage.
MADISON
OHMYGOD, is Batman gonna be tortured on stage in front of all of these people or Joker will release a poisonous gas, sure to kill all of the important heads of state?
KENT
No, Madison. Batman is going to give a speech.
MADISON
A… speech?
KENT
This, Madison, is a mass meeting which was announced only this afternoon by an organization of selfish, bigoted people who oppose sending food and other help to Europe through the Marshall Plan.
MADISON
…’Kay… And Batman giving a speech is bad because…
KENT
Because it will appear that Batman supports this bunch of selfish mugs who don’t want us to help those poor people suffering in war torn Europe!
MADISON
Oh, crap, this is World War Two stuff. I knew I shoulda paid more attention in History class instead of doing online shopping. But to be fair, I did get a really cute dress.
KENT
Look, Madison, coming onto the stage! It’s Batman! I can’t imagine Batman addressing a selfish, bigoted crowd like this!
MADISON
That’s what they said about Scott Baio, but actually Chachi grew up to be a major douche.
BATMAN
Ladies and gentlemen. It is a great pleasure and privilege for me to address this splendid organization. Many people in this country want us to send our hard-earned food, clothing, seed, and agricultural equipment to the nations of Europe. “Share what we have with the unfortunate,” they say. Well, I say, don’t do anything of the kind. Let others take care of themselves!
MADISON
Daymn. Just pepper in some red hats and misspelled banners and this is a Trump rally.
BATMAN
Why should we give our bread, and cotton and steel and machinery, to somebody else? I ask you — why?! If the Europeans want the necessities and luxuries of life, let them make them themselves!
KENT
I’ve known Batman for years and I know he hates narrow bigots and despots like this un-American crowd as much as you and I and all decent Americans hate them!
MADISON
Where I come from, lots of people think what Batman said actually makes him a Patriotic American. Which would make Superman a Libtard.
KENT
Well, my hunch is that he was forced to do this. Look, Batman just went into a dressing room. Here’s our chance to find out. Come on!
SCENE SIX
KENT
There he is, Madison.
MADISON
Hey, Batman! Dude, what’s with the hate speech?
BATMAN
Uh, not now, Boy Wonder.
MADISON
I seriously look like a young boy to him in this costume? That’s it, I’m getting a push-up bra.
BATMAN
It’s a long story and I can’t go into it now, because I’ve got another speaking engagement in Willow Falls.
KENT
Batman, we three are all alone now, so you can drop the pose and talk straight. We heard your awful speech–
BATMAN
Awful? Really? I thought it was quite good.
KENT
Oh, cut that out, Batman! You have a great deal of influence and prestige and a lot of people will believe your lies just because you say them!
BATMAN
But they weren’t lies.
MADISON
Ohmygod. FOX News has gotten to Batman.
KENT
We found that recording! We heard Jones say he knew you were Bruce Wayne, and if you didn’t go away with him, he’d tell the whole world. That’s why you made that speech tonight, isn’t it, Batman?
BATMAN
I told the truth.
MADISON
This is some serious political stuff to be addressing on a kid’s superhero show, isn’t it?
BATMAN
Now, as I said before, I’ve got another speaking engagement, so I’ll have to ask you two to leave.
KENT
Oh, no, you don’t. You’re not gonna brush me off that easily, Batman. We’ve been friends for years–
MADISON
Hey! Chill out, Mr. Kent. Don’t get your cape in a bunch. I’ll talk to him.
KENT
But–
MADISON
Go, rescue a school bus from a falling off bridge or something. Go! Go!
BATMAN
Now, look, I’m in a hurry, Robin. I told you–
MADISON
Just cut the crap, Batman. When I heard this was a Superman/Batman cross over, I was not expecting the 1940’s answer to right wing propaganda. So either you tell me what major badass supervillain is behind all this, or I’m gonna cut out of here and head over to “Little Orphan Annie,” ya got me?
BATMAN
Watch your tongue, you little runt!
MADISON
What did you just call me?
BATMAN
I called you a runt!
MADISON
Oh. Well, that’s still not nice.
BATMAN
Now get this through your head. I meant what I said in my speech tonight. I’ve been seeing things differently of late.
MADISON
Oh, I get it now. We finally see Bruce Wayne is actually part of the one percent.
BATMAN
I’ve got another speaking engagement so I’ve got to go.
MADISON
Typical! You right wingers run off whenever anyone questions your position!
BATMAN
Take your hands off me!
MADISON
Not until you listen to logical statements that will address your contradictions and hypocrisies!
BATMAN
I said, let go!
MADISON
Batman hit Robin. It’s like that meme came to life. Oh, and… ow!
BATMAN
That’ll hold you, you little runt.
NARRATOR
Without a backward glance at the fallen Madison, who lies huddled
on the floor unconscious, the tall figure in the famous Batman costume strides from the dressing room. How can this brutal scene have taken place between Batman and Robin, inseparable as brothers?! WHAT CAN IT POSSIBLY MEAN?!
KENT
Great Scott! That’s Robin, er, Madison on the floor! Madison? Madison, what happened? Oh, no, she’s unconscious. I’d better get her to a doctor, and fast! Up with her. There we are. Now– UP, UP AND AWAY!
NARRATOR
Clark Kent dons his true identity as Superman and, without a moment’s hesitation, cradles the unconscious Madison in his arms, flying her to the Metropolis General Hospital.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
Whoa, how’d I get to a hospital?
SUPERMAN
I saw you were hurt, so I flew you here at once.
MADISON
You flew me when I was unconscious? I missed it?! Aw, man!
SUPERMAN
What happened between you and Batman?
MADISON
Freakin’ Batman punched me! Can you believe that crap? He must be the Christian Bale Batman.
SUPERMAN
It’s just possible that Batman doesn’t know what he’s doing because he’s mentally sick as a result of something fed or injected into him by the mysterious Mr. Jones.
MADISON
If he’s mentally ill, that’s not good. In the 40s don’t you people like, shove the mentally ill in rubber rooms and give them shock therapy and lobotomies and stuff?
SUPERMAN
I want to check my theory. Batman said he had another speaking engagement tonight in Willow Falls, didn’t he?
MADISON
Yeah.
SUPERMAN
All right, I’m going up to Willow Falls and, before this night is over, I’m going to find out if Batman is truly sick.
MADISON
Ooo! Are you gonna fly us there?
SUPERMAN
No, no, Madison, you’re still a little groggy. I should go alone.
MADISON
Screw that! Rev up the engines, Superman, you’re flying me up there!
SCENE EIGHT
NARRATOR
Moments later, Superman, cradling Madison once again in his arms, streaks north towards the bustling town of Willow Falls.
MADISON
Holy, crap!!! I didn’t realize how cold it would be flying like this!
SUPERMAN
I have to get into the higher atmosphere to avoid the trees and buildings!
MADISON
This is not clearly depicted in the comics!!
SUPERMAN
We haven’t even left Metropolis yet! It’s thirty miles to Willow Falls!
MADISON
I changed my mind! Drop me at Wayne Manor!
SUPERMAN
After all that fuss you made about coming with me?!
MADISON
I’m freezing my tits off up here! Take me home!
NARRATOR
After succumbing to Madison’s bitching and moaning–
MADISON
Hey!
NARRATOR
Superman sees her safely to her home. Then the Man of Steel continues on his way to find Batman in Willow Falls.
MADISON
Alfred? I’m home! Can I get a hot chocolate? Alfred? Alfred? You gonna get that? What’s the point of having a butler if he doesn’t do anything. Hello?
BATMAN
That you, Robin?
MADISON
Yeah, it’s Robin. The one you punched, you Bat-Prick.
BATMAN
Take it easy. I can explain everything.
MADISON
Well, Mr. Kent thinks you’re sick in the head but I just think you’re a rich selfish douche-nozzle.
BATMAN
Kent thinks I’m sick, huh?
MADISON
Yeah, he went up to Willow Falls to see you.
BATMAN
He’ll have no luck because I’m still in Metropolis. I’m on a big job. But, big! I… I can’t tell you any more over the phone. But I need your help.
MADISON
You haven’t even apologized for hitting me.
BATMAN
I’m sorry, it was necessary at the time. I can’t explain it now. So, will you help me?
MADISON
I guess. You’re lucky I’m Robin. If I were Batgirl I’d tell you to stuff that Batt-er-ang where the sun don’t shine.
BATMAN
Do you know where the old River Hotel is?
MADISON
Oh, yeah, my family used to vacation there all the time. Like I’ve ever been to Metropolis before.
BATMAN
Well find it. I’m there now. Room Three Fourteen.
MADISON
Fine. Three Fourteen.
BATMAN
Keep this strictly on the QT. Don’t tell Kent, or even Alfred, that I called or where you’re going. Understand?
MADISON
Yeah, okay. Hey, can I drive the Batmobile?
BATMAN
Eh…
MADISON
You punched me. Where are the keys.
SCENE NINE
NARRATOR
Madison has just arrived at the River Hotel — an ancient, decaying, evil-smelling structure–
MADISON
“Evil” smelling? What’s the scent of evil? Like, Harvey Weinstein’s back sweat?
NARRATOR
Situated in an area on the waterfront where many of the shady element of the city congregate. On the third and top floor, where
a single, small electric bulb only seems to make the shadows deeper, Madison reads the numbers with difficulty on the cheap, scarred doors. Finally, she finds Room Three Fourteen, the number Batman had given her, at the end of the hall. She stops, and knocks on
the door.
MADISON
That was really good. Very descriptive.
NARRATOR
Oh, well, thank you.
MADISON
Superman never tells you how awesome you are, does he?
NARRATOR
No… we… we don’t talk.
MADISON
Well, don’t forget, he’s not the only one who’s super.
HEAVYSET
Come in!
MADISON
Okay, Batman, I–
NARRATOR
Stepping into the room, Madison stops short as she sees a bald, heavyset, unshaven man sitting in a chair facing the door. In his hand, the man holds a revolver which he points at Madison. Another man, very tall and thin in shirt sleeves, lounges alongside the door. There is no one else in the room. Then, as Madison starts to step backward, the heavyset man in the chair calls out.
HEAVYSET
Stay right where you are, Robin. Close the door, Lou.
MADISON
Oh… crap. This is a trap, isn’t it?
NARRATOR
What does this mean? Was Madison deliberately led into an ambush by Batman?
MADISON
You knew about this, didn’t you? You, stupid Narrator!
NARRATOR
What will happen now to Madison as Superman, thirty miles away in Willow Falls, is unaware of this latest, and serious, development?!
MADISON
I take back everything nice I just said about you!
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Superman, disguised as reporter Clark Kent, is at the opera house in Willow Falls where Batman is delivering another speech. As he leaves the stage and walks into the wings, followed by the applause of the crowd, Kent steps forward to meet him.
KENT
Just a minute, Batman! I want to talk to you.
BATMAN
I don’t have the time.
KENT
Take the time. You struck and knocked out Robin!
BATMAN
So what? Little runt asked for it.
KENT
It’s not like you, Batman. What’s more, you never made rabble- rousing, un-American speeches before. Something very fishy is going on, and I intend to find out what it is.
BATMAN
Look, Kent, I don’t want to stand here and argue with you. So, good night.
KENT
No you don’t, Batman. You’re gonna stay right here until we straighten this out.
BATMAN
Take your hands off me, Kent, or–
KENT
Or what? Will you try to slug me, too? That wouldn’t be smart, would it, considering who I am?
BATMAN
If you think I’m afraid of you just because you’re a reporter for a big newspaper, you’re crazy.
KENT
Well, I didn’t mean that.
BATMAN
What did you mean, then?
KENT
Don’t you know?
BATMAN
No, I don’t. Now, take your hands off me, Kent! Idiot reporters.
KENT
Could it be…? Great Scott!
SCENE TEN
NARRATOR
Clark Kent, donning his true identity of Superman, flies back to Wayne Manor to share his important discovery with Batman’s young ward.
ALFRED
Good evening, Superman. What brings you here?
SUPERMAN
Is Madison here, Alfred?
ALFRED
No, sir. She left about an hour ago, after receiving a telephone call. She left rather suddenly, muttering something about douche- nozzles.
SUPERMAN
Where did she go, Alfred?
ALFRED
She wouldn’t tell me. But she did ask if the Batmobile had… em… “G.P.S.” and if it could find the waterfront.
SUPERMAN
The waterfront?!
ALFRED
I’m rather sure it was Batman who called.
SUPERMAN
Well, that’s funny. I just left Batman in Willow Falls.
ALFRED
Willow Falls, sir?
SUPERMAN
Unless he is a phony, as I suspect. I better get down to the waterfront and look for Madison. But first, may I borrow your telephone?
SCENE ELEVEN
NARRATOR
Superman, under the guise of mild mannered reporter, Clark Kent, calls his boss at the Daily Planet and convinces him to offer a ten thousand dollar reward for anyone who can identify the voice of the mysterious Mr. Jones. Then, in his true identity, Superman heads out in search of Madison Standish, disguised as the Boy Wonder, Robin. Not knowing the real Batman and Madison are prisoners in a stout, square old building far upstate in the midst of lonely farmland, which had once been a prisoner-of-war barracks in the days of the Revolution.
MADISON
I’m all for handcuffs but I prefer mine with pink faux-fur.
REAL BATMAN
These heavy, rusted leg shackles fastened around the ankles, forged to stout iron staples in the wall beams, allows freedom of movement only for a foot or two in each direction.
MADISON
Yeah, I figured that out when I pulled on them and I couldn’t go anywhere.
REAL BATMAN
I’m so sorry you’ve been dragged into this, Madison.
MADISON
Well, I’m glad that that other Batman was a fake and that you’re not really a dick. It reminds me of the time I ran into Chris O’Donnell on NCIS LA. Like, L.L. Cool J was super sweet but Chris was a major diva. Seriously, we all saw your Robin. You’re lucky you’re still working.
REAL BATMAN
Wait a minute! Jones just came in. He’s in the next room with the phony Batman. Come on. Move up closer to the wall so we can hear them.
JONES
There’s not a thing to worry about, Ed.
MADISON
That’s Jones?
REAL BATMAN
Yes. And Ed is the phony Batman.
ED/BATMAN
That’s what you think, Mort– I mean, “Jones”. I tell you, Clark Kent is wise to me, I’m sure of it.
MADISON
Dude, you guys sound exactly alike. You should form a vocal group or something.
REAL BATMAN
Shhhh!
JONES
I doubt it. But, even if he is, he won’t be able to prove a thing.
ED/BATMAN
How can you be sure? He may–
JONES
Relax. Your speeches have already attracted nationwide attention. Newspapers are repeating what they think Batman said about letting Europe starve. So now, you’re going to lie low.
ED/BATMAN
What about the real Batman and Robin? The police all over the country are looking for Robin.
MADISON
Ooo! The cops are looking for me? I’ve never been the subject of
a manhunt before. No, I take that back. But to be fair, I was never lost the in woods. I’d found a ranger station and this really hunky ranger–
REAL BATMAN
Please be quiet.
JONES
Just leave everything to me, Ed, and don’t worry about Batman and Robin. They won’t be with us much longer.
MADISON
Oh! Are we going home?
BATMAN
That’s… not usually what that means.
ED/BATMAN
You mean you’re gonna get rid of them?
JONES
Yes. Tonight. But first they’re gonna play an ace card for our cause, Ed. And at the same time put us on easy street for the rest of our lives. Then, tonight, when we no longer need them, Batman and Robin will die!
MADISON
But you’ll get us out of this, right Batman? Because Batman and Robin are always getting captured, but then they escape!
BATMAN
True, but this is Superman’s show so…
MADISON
So… crap.
JONES
Well, I do hope my guests are comfortable.
MADISON
I once was part of a living art piece at Burning Man that involved a bikini, a bed of nails and ten pounds of latex so, I can handle anything.
JONES
Wonderful. Then let’s get down to business. Batman, I want you to do me a favor.
REAL BATMAN
Really? This oughta be good.
JONES
I just want you to tell me in which banks you have your safe deposit boxes, and I want you to give me the numbers of your boxes so Ed here can walk out with the bulk of your wealth. Simple.
REAL BATMAN
If you think I’m gonna give you any of that information, you’re crazy!
JONES
Maybe this will help you to see things my way, Batman. This revolver is pointed at Robin–
MADISON
Wait, what?!
JONES
And at this distance I can’t possibly miss him.
MADISON
I identify as “her.”
JONES
Now, do you tell me what I want to know, Batman, or do I fire?
MADISON
Tell him everything!
REAL BATMAN
Don’t you think he’s bluffing?
MADISON
Do I want to find out? No! Tell. Him. Everything!!!
JONES
I’ll count to three. One–
MADISON
Why are you not telling him everything?!
REAL BATMAN
Usually we go back and forth a bit–
JONES
Two–
MADISON
Screw that! Tell him!!!
JONES
Th–
REAL BATMAN
Alright! I’ll tell you.
MADISON
I cannot believe you freakin’ hesitated.
REAL BATMAN
When is Dick supposed to be back?
SCENE TWELVE
NARRATOR
As we continue now, Superman in his guise of reporter Clark Kent, has been notified that a woman who heard the recording of Mr. Jones claims that she can identify Jones’s voice. The woman has just arrived at the Daily Planet. Kent is directed to the manager’s office where a middle-aged, weather-beaten woman with shrewd, faded blue eyes sits on the edge of a chair, a battered old purse on her knees.
KENT
Hello, my name is Clark Kent.
MRS. HEMPLE
Uh, howdy do. Mine’s Hemple. Mrs. William Hemple.
KENT
Mrs. Hemple, I understand you can identify the man whose voice we’ve been broadcasting.
MRS. HEMPLE
Not so fast, young man. Fellow said on the radio I get ten thousand dollars if I tell you who belongs to that voice.
KENT
You’ll get the money, Mrs. Hemple. After all, the offer is made by the Daily Planet, the largest newspaper in Metropolis. Just tell me who owns that voice so I can go after him. There are two lives at stake!
MRS. HEMPLE
Well, maybe so, but I want to see that money. Won’t do you no good to get hot under the collar, neither. I know my rights.
KENT
Fine. I’ll write you a check.
MRS. HEMPLE
“Hemple.” That’s H… E… M…
KENT
Yeah, I got it.
MRS. HEMPLE
Thank you, young man. That voice is Mort Veeler.
KENT
Who’s Mort Veeler?
MRS. HEMPLE
Feller rides ’round out in the country, making speeches against what he calls “foreigners” and sayin’ for us not to send no help to the starvin’ folk in Europe.
KENT
Great Scott, I think you’ve hit it. But I’ve got to find this man quickly. I don’t even know where to start! Do you remember the name of his outfit? I might be able to trace him–
MRS. HEMPLE
How ’bout I give ya one of his envelopes.
KENT
Envelopes?
MRS. HEMPLE
Ones he sends out to folks askin’ for contributions. I got one back at the farm.
KENT
Back at the farm? How far away do you live?
MRS. HEMPLE
It’s just below Mayfield, ’bout ninety miles upstate.
KENT
Only ninety miles? We can be there in a minute or two.
MRS. HEMPLE
Be there in a minute or two?! Do you know what you’re sayin’, Mr. Kent?
KENT
You’ve heard of Superman, haven’t you? Well, he’s here in this building right now. And he can fly you up to your farm.
MRS. HEMPLE
You really mean Superman?
KENT
I certainly do. Just… wait here and I’ll see that Superman joins you in a few seconds. Oh, and when you fly with him, don’t complain about the cold. He can’t do anything about that.
SCENE THIRTEEN
NARRATOR
While Superman is trying to locate Jones, who is really the rabble- rouser Mort Veeler, Batman and Madison, still shackled to the wall in an old Revolutionary barracks, try desperately to free themselves from their chains.
MADISON
Will you just stop already? We can’t break these chains. We’ve been trying for hours.
REAL BATMAN
I’m afraid you’re right, Madison. My leg is as raw as fresh beef.
MADISON
Ew.
REAL BATMAN
But we’ve got to try again. Come on now. Put your foot against the wall and then throw yourself backward.
MADISON
So not happening.
REAL BATMAN
Jones is going to be back any time with that gun and we’re finished.
MADISON
What about your utility belt thingy? Don’t you have a bat-hook or bat-grenade or bat-something we can use?
REAL BATMAN
They took my utility belt before they chained me in here.
MADISON
Oh.
REAL BATMAN
Did you seriously think I was sitting here the whole time with a belt full of weapons and just… not using it?
MADISON
Sorry. I don’t know how this superhero stuff works.
REAL BATMAN
Hey, wait. What’s that? Do you smell smoke?
MADISON
Ohmygod the place is on fire!!
JONES/VEELER
Batman and Robin! If it gets too hot in there, call up the fire department!
MADISON
Stop, drop and roll!! Stop, drop and roll!!!
REAL BATMAN
The smoke! Try to get to the window!
JONES/VEELER
Well, Ed, that’s the end of Batman and Robin.
ED/BATMAN
It’s a tough way to go, Mr. Veeler.
JONES/VEELER
Feel sorry for ’em, do you? Well, you’ll get over it when we start spending Batman’s money. Uh… Ed?
ED/BATMAN
Yeah?
JONES/VEELER
Where are the suitcases with Batman’s money?
ED/BATMAN
I thought you brought them out.
JONES/VEELER
I thought you did. Come on! We’ve got to go get ’em!
ED/BATMAN
We can’t go back in there! The roof’ll go down any minute!
JONES/VEELER
We’ve got to! There’s over a million dollars worth of securities in those suitcases. They’ll be burned up! For heaven’s sakes, come on, hurry!
NARRATOR
As Veeler and Batman’s impersonator rush into the rear of the blazing barracks, risking their lives to rescue their stolen loot, suddenly the roof crashes down upon them!
SCENE FOURTEEN
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, in the farm house of Mrs. William Hemple, where papers are strewn all over the floor, Superman and Mrs. Hemple search desperately for the envelope bearing the address of Mort Veeler, alias Mr. Jones.
MRS. HEMPLE
Well, shoot. Usually we keep all letters and papers in here.
SUPERMAN
It’s not there?
MRS. HEMPLE
Nope. Oh, wait a minute! I kinda recollect takin’ the envelope upstairs to William the other day.
SUPERMAN
Will you see if the envelope is upstairs? And please hurry! Every second counts!
NARRATOR
Having finally learned the address of Jones’s headquarters, Superman streaks through the skies toward the blazing barracks, in which Batman and Madison are imprisoned. Superman hovers high in midair — then, stiffens in horror at what he sees below him!
SUPERMAN
Great Scott! I’m afraid I’m too late to save Batman and Madison! But I must try! DOWN TO THEM! DOWN! Batman! Madison! Uh oh! They’re unconscious! And chained! That roof’s gonna fall at any second! I’d better rip these chains out of the wall — like this! There! Now I’ll just wrap my cape around these two, like this.
NARRATOR
Swiftly covering his unconscious friends with his brilliant red cape, Superman stands above them, shielding them as the blazing roof plunges down with a roar upon his head and shoulders.
SUPERMAN
NOW! UP, UP, AND AWAY!
SCENE FIFTEEN
NARRATOR
A short time later, in Wayne Manor, Batman and Madison have been seen and pronounced fit by their doctor. After showers and a change into fresh clothes, they’re in their kitchen, with Superman, now disguised as the mild-mannered reporter, Clark Kent.
KENT
Mmmm! Say! This is good eating. I must’ve been hungry. I believe the fire gave me an appetite.
REAL BATMAN
Oh, don’t remind me of that. For once, I really thought we were done for.
MADISON
Yeah, now that it’s all over, I gotta say, not impressed Batman. You couldn’t get us out of there? Veeler wasn’t even a supervillain. Just some crazy right wing MAGA guy.
REAL BATMAN
Well, as I mentioned before, this is Superman’s show, so…
MADISON
Dude, he made you look like a pussy.
KENT
At least Mort Veeler and Batman’s impersonator are done for. They’ll never pull another rascally trick again in this world.
MADISON
So they’re like, dead, right? Kinda dark for a kid’s show, don’t you think?
KENT
They burned up in the fire. Their greed and Un-American values were their downfall.
MADISON
I thought greed was an American value.
REAL BATMAN
And once more, Veeler and my impersonator needn’t have gone back into the fire for the securities they stole from me, because one of their men had brought the suitcases out.
MADISON
Oh! Snap!
KENT
Oh ho, a fine newspaper reporter I am! Here I’ve got a big scoop but, instead of rushing in to the Daily Planet, I sit here idly playing tiddlywinks with you guys!
MADISON
Tiddlywinks? Is that like a new hook up app?
KENT
I’ve got to fly. And I do mean fly. UP, UP AND AWAY!
MADISON
Did Clark Kent just change into Superman in your guest bathroom?
REAL BATMAN
I’d give it a few minutes to air out before you use it.
MADISON
Well, I guess that means I’m leaving. Do me a favor, though. No more Superman/Batman crossovers until you’re the Dark Knight, ‘kay?
PROLOGUE
MADISON
The Adventures of Superman premiered on radio in 1940, less than
two years after Superman’s first appearance in Action Comics number one. During World War Two and the post-war years, the show garnered listeners who enjoyed Superman’s quest for “Truth and Justice.”
And side note, all of Batman’s Un-American speeches in this episode are reproduced exactly as originally written.