MADISON ON THE AIR: BOLD VENTURE “CRUISE TO BATABANÓ”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JULY 2025

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
Adventure, intrigue, mystery, romance! In the sultry setting of Havana and the mysterious islands of the Caribbean we bring you “Bold Venture!”

JIMMY
Well, I don’t think it’s a lot to ask you to do, Shannon.

SLATE
Answer me a question, friend. Howdo you know what’s a lot for me to do?

MADISON
Well, if you ask me–

SLATE
No one asked you.

MADISON
Yeah, and no one asked me if they should make another “Space Jam” movie and look how that turned out.

SLATE
See here, Mr. Drew–

MADISON
Personally, I’d like to go to Batabanó. I came to Cuba to have the 1950’s Ricky Ricardo experience. But all we’ve done is hang around
your crappy hotel here in Havana.

SLATE
Hey, now. Watch what you say about my hotel.

MADISON
Well, it ain’t the Tropicana.

JIMMY
You should take her there, Mr. Shannon. She’ll like the town. My wife and I think it’s one of the most interesting in Cuba, don’t we, Alice?

ALICE
I loved it. And you’ll get a hundred dollars for delivering the boat, Mr. Shannon.

JIMMY
Make it a hundred and a quarter.

MADISON
I don’t know if an extra twenty-five cents will push your deal over the top.

JIMMY
I meant a hundred and twenty-five dollars.

MADISON
And a quarter?

SLATE
All you want me to do is take that cabin cruiser back to its owner in Batabanó? Why don’t you do it yourself?

JIMMY
Alice wants to stay in Havana and shop.

MADISON
Good plan, girl, get out of this one star hotel. It’s 1951. Cuba is at its tourist peak. By 1959 Castro’s forces will take over Havana and then it’s good-bye “Babalú.”

SLATE
It’s gonna be “Good-bye, Madison Standish” if you make another crack about my hotel.

MADISON
Enjoy it while you can before all U.S. property is seized and you go crawling back to South Florida.

ALICE
Maybe we should try to get someone else, Jimmy.

SLATE
Make it one-fifty.

JIMMY
I don’t know, Shannon.

MADISON
One hundred and thirty-seven dollars and fifty cents!

SLATE
And fifty cents?

MADISON
Better than a quarter.

JIMMY
All right, Mr. Shannon. Here’s the key.

SLATE
There’s one more thing, Mr. Drew. How do we get back to Havana?

MADISON
Burro ride a la the “Brady Bunch”Grand Canyon episode?

SLATE
You can spend twenty hours on the back of an ass–

MADISON
I have.

SLATE
–but I’d prefer a more modern mode of transportation.

JIMMY
The train. I stopped in on the way here and bought tickets. Just take the boat to Batabanó and deliver it to Emilio López. He’ll be waiting for you when you dock. And here, give him this envelope, too. Then take the train home. Simple.

SLATE
A hundred and thirty-seven.

MADISON
And fifty cents!

SLATE
And fifty cents.

JIMMY
Give it to him, Alice.

ALICE
Mm-hmm. One-twenty, thirty, thirty-seven and… fifty cents.

SLATE
Here’s half a buck, Madison. Go buy yourself some nice clothes.

MADISON
Oh, you should see me barter with the vendors in the market. For fifty cents I’ll come home with two dresses, a dozen pineapples and a monkey wearing a little vest who dances the Rumba.

SCENE TWO

MARTY
Alice, you should see this movie.”El Deleite del Sultán.” “The Sultan’s Delight.” Very comical. Oh, the education you get nowadays for a centavos.

ALICE
Why squander your hard earned money in a penny arcade, Marty? For nothing you can look at me.

MARTY
Have you seen these Arabian dancing girls?

ALICE
Here’s a dime, go laugh yourself sick.

MARTY
Hey, Dream Girl. Don’t be like that. You asked me to meet you here at the penny arcade. A fellow’s gotta fill in the time. That’s why people come here. To spend their pennies. I should be different?

ALICE
You are different, Marty. That’s why I want you to look at me.

MARTY
Ah, I live for it, Dream Girl.

ALICE
And because you’re different, my husband Jimmy dies. Also, his friend, Emilio López.

MARTY
So our path will be strung with flowers for the dead. You know what? I’m happy about the whole thing.

ALICE
Jimmy, my innocent Jimmy. The dreary husband thinks I don’t know what he’s been up to.

MARTY
Even a guy like him wants to think he owns a secret.

ALICE
He thinks I’m sweet, ignorant. Everything his wife should be. And I know he stole for me.

MARTY
A cargo of silk stolen from a Batabanó warehouse loaded onto Emilio’s cabin cruiser, and from there, to be transferred to a fishing boat.

ALICE
But which fishing boat?

MARTY
And therein lies the mystery, Dream Girl.

ALICE
Maybe the name of the boat was in the envelope Jimmy gave Shannon.

MARTY
So what’s our next move in this mystery?

ALICE
I wear widow’s weeds for Jimmy and go to Batabanó to give my condolences to Emilio’s orphans.

MARTY
And me, I tickle Shannon with a feather for the name of a fishing boat. All right now, run home to Jimmy, Girl. I got a penny that’s burning a hole through a dream.

SCENE THREE

SLATE
A nice cabin cruiser the man’s got here, Madison. It’s liable to be a chilly night. Why don’t you go below and put something on the galley stove.

MADISON
Excuse me, Mr. 1950s? Did you just tell the woman to go cook for you in the kitchen?

SLATE
It’d be a lot easier to cook in the kitchen than up here on the deck.

MADISON
Well, then, allow me to be the first wave of the Cuban revolution by refusing to bow to tyranny!

SLATE
Boy, when Sailor told me she’d met this — how did she put it — “adventurous spirit” in Key West, who I absolutely had to take care of while she was away… she failed to mention the headache that came with the job.

MADISON
So are you going to the kitchen to make us something warm? Because it is pretty cold out here.

SLATE
On a boat it’s called a “galley.” And sure, why not? Maybe later I can knit you a sweater.

MADISON
I don’t think you would finish it in time to be worth it for the trip. What’s going on?

SLATE
The door to the galley’s locked.

MADISON
Didn’t that Jimmy guy give you a key?

SLATE
That key isn’t for the galley, it’s for the ignition.

MADISON
Ignition? Sailboats have ignitions?

SLATE
This isn’t a sailboat. Made obvious by the lack of a sail.

MADISON
Okay, excuse me if I don’t know every part of a boat. Do I look like Popeye?

SLATE
I dunno. Squint one eye like this. You, uh, want somethin’, mister?

MARTY
You two don’t know how lucky you are.

MADISON
Being lucky is about perception. You might say I’m lucky to have such big breasts. But you don’t have to struggle to find a bra in the 1950’s pre-boob job era.

MARTY
Well, they are lovely.

MADISON
Thank you! I know.

MARTY
But I meant, you two are lucky because you don’t have to go to Batabanó tonight.

SLATE
Oh, is that right? Please, tell me more.

MARTY
Jimmy Drew told me to catch you before you left. Said for you to give me the envelope he gave you, and I’d take the boat to Batabanó myself.

SLATE
Envelope? What envelope?

MARTY
Come on, give it to me!

SLATE
Why should Drew suddenly change his mind?

MADISON
Maybe Alice forced him to. He did seem pretty whipped.

MARTY
Come on, come on! Let’s not play around. Off the boat, kiddies, before I have to–

SLATE
Now, then, Madison, didn’t he say something about tossing somebody?

MADISON
Uh… like toss his salad? I’ll give you my answer in English and Spanish. “NO.”

SLATE
Well, I heard him. Grab an arm and a leg.

MADISON
Not even for the whole a hundred thirty-seven, fifty.

SLATE
Big help you are. Now, let’s go to Batabanó.

MADISON
He was unconscious and you threw him in the ocean? Did you just drown that guy?

SLATE
C’mon, Madison. Full ahead.

MADISON
I’m serious! I can’t afford another run in with the Federales. I do not wanna go back to Guantanamo Bay!

SCENE FOUR

SLATE
Hi! Hello! Buenos días, Chiquita!

CUBAN WOMAN
Buenos días, Señor!

MADISON
Aw, look. The entire red light district turned out to welcome you. Quite the “ho-coming.”

SLATE
Well, I’m liked here, Madison. I left many fond memories in Batabanó.

MADISON
And probably took home a few STDs.

EMILIO
Over here! You enjoy my boat, therefore, you are Slate Shannon?

SLATE
Yeah! If you’re Emilio López.

EMILIO
Sí. I am he, and she is my boat.

SLATE
Here, I’ll give you a hand. Come on, Madison, if you won’t cook in the galley, then how ’bout you help by grabbin’ that rope?

MADISON
And get a blister on my hand? Do I look like a thirteen year old boy?

SLATE
I don’t think you want me to answer that.

MADISON
I told you it’s hard for me to find bras in the 1950s!

EMILIO
Gracias, Señor Shannon, for delivering my boat to me. You are a very good messenger boy.

SLATE
It’s as pretty and fresh as when I got her, López. Take a look around if you want.

EMILIO
Who is this who stands before my eyes? This delicious equipment you brought with you!

SLATE
Huh?

MADISON
He means me. How sweet of you to call me “delicious equipment.” You make me sound like the Slushie Machine at 7-11.

EMILIO
I am already dizzy in the head from this delicious one!

SLATE
Speaking of delicious, I haven’t had my Café con Leche yet this morning. How ’bout we hand over your boat so Madison and I can grab a little breakfast?

EMILIO
Sí. But first, the matter of finance. For your exquisite manner of special delivery.

SLATE
Don’t worry about it, Emilio. We’ve already been paid. Drew paid it.

EMILIO
He did not mention to you the matter of a bonus, which I have locked in the galley, and for which the key hangs around my neck?

SLATE
Well, I’m not one to quibble about a bonus.

MADISON
I don’t want a bonus if it’s in the galley. My last boss gave the staff microwavable ramen noodle cups as a Christmas bonus. Like, I’m already living off of ramen from what you pay me. But thanks, maybe all that extra sodium will finally give me heart disease and end the misery of my working for you.

EMILIO
I am confused. You still wish to have the bonus?

SLATE
Uh, yeah. Don’t mind her. She’s a little seasick in the head.

EMILIO
Ah. Delicious! I get the bonus.

SLATE
Oh, Emilio, I’m supposed to give you this envelope from Drew.

EMILIO
I know. I wait for it. But first, I unlock the lock, swing wide the door and– Ay-eeee!

MADISON
What did you do?!

SLATE
I didn’t do anything! I’m standing right next to you!

MADISON
Then what did he do?!

SLATE
He died, that’s what he did.

MADISON
Why did he do that?!

SLATE
It wasn’t by choice! He was shot dead with this gun, see? Rigged up as a booby trap. When the galley door opened, it caused this tricky setup to pull the trigger. Designed to kill whoever opened that door.

MADISON
And you tried to make me go in the galley last night! My hate for cooking saved my life!

SLATE
Probably saved my life, too. Since I’d’ve had to eat whatever you cooked.

MADISON
I’ve only put one third grade classroom in the hospital.

SLATE
I don’t get it.

MADISON
Well, apparently you can’t leave two dozen cupcakes with cream cheese frosting in your locker until after school or the janitor will go through his entire supply of vomit sawdust.

SLATE
I was referring to Emilio. He was the only one with a key to the galley. Someone wanted him dead. And I’m guessing the contents of this envelope Drew wanted me to deliver to him is tied to it.

MADISON
So open it.

SLATE
Might as well. He’s got no use for it anymore.

MADISON
And the winner is…

SLATE
“Ella Wiley.”

MADISON
Who’s Ella Wiley?

SLATE
Right now, she’s a girl’s name on a slip of paper that got a man killed.

MADISON
Just one man killed? She must not be all that.

SCENE FIVE

SLATE
Cut it out, Madison.

MADISON
What?

SLATE
What you’re doing with your fingernails. Cut it out.

MADISON
I’m filing my nails after I broke one moving that Emilio guy’s body. Acrylic nails won’t be invented until 1954, so I gotta deal with my natural nails and now they’re all uneven and the polish is chipped. Look, don’t even with me. I’m having a personal crisis right now.

SLATE
Can’t you just wait patiently for the train? You’re making me nervous.

MADISON
You must get nervous a lot. Look at your cuticles. You chew your fingernails, don’t you?

SLATE
Stop kidding around.

MADISON
Who’s kidding? By the looks of them, you had fingernails for lunch.

SLATE
Just sit still and stop making yourself obvious.

MADISON
Says the guy pacing nervously. Are you afraid the whole police force of Batabanó has figured out by now that we were the two on that boat?

SLATE
Nah, nah. The people who waved to me are my friends. If a cop mentioned my name to any of them, all they’d do is shake their heads.

MADISON
Well, how much longer till the train leaves for Havana?

SLATE
Soon. Wait a minute.

MADISON
What?

SLATE
I’m not the only one pacing nervously on the train platform. Come with me.

MADISON
Wait! I’m still working on my nails!

SLATE
Buy you a magazine, Mrs. Drew?

ALICE
What? Oh, Mr. Shannon.

MADISON
Slate! I only finished the nails on my left hand. My right looks like one of those skeezy guys who grows his nails long to finger pick guitar.

ALICE
And Miss Standish. Well, am I glad to see the two of you. I’ve been looking all over for you.

SLATE
What are you doing here?

MADISON
And do you know where I can find a good manicurist?

ALICE
I’m here because Emilio… it was in the papers. I came here to find you to ask you about it. The papers were vague.

SLATE
Who rigged that booby trap in the galley? You or your husband?

MADISON
I’m guessing her husband because her fingernails are all intact. Seriously, girl. Those nails are lit.

ALICE
Uh… thank you.

SLATE
And who is Ella Wiley?

ALICE
Ella Wiley?

SLATE
Who is she?

MADISON
And does she know a good manicurist?

SLATE
Madison, if I buy you a pair of gloves, will you lay off the fingernail talk?

MADISON
Says the guy who chews hangnails like gum.

ALICE
Oh, Mr. Shannon, believe me, I don’t have the least idea what you’re talking about. I drove down to Batabanó as soon as I heard about Emilio. But a booby trap? Ella Wiley? The papers said nothing about it.

SLATE
Maybe your husband knows. He still in Havana?

ALICE
I left him there. I suppose he’s still there.

MADISON
Ooo. Sounds like trouble in paradise. Did he cut off your spending limit, sweetie?

ALICE
No… he was… he wanted to rest so I left him at the hotel in Havana.

SLATE
Well, don’t you run away from Havana, either, Mrs. Drew. The joint would get empty without you.

MADISON
Seriously, girl, where did you get your nails done? I know 1950’s nail polish can cause allergic reactions, skin irritation, nervous system and respiratory problems, carcinogenic effects and even reproductive concerns… but I love that shade of pink!

SCENE SIX

MADISON
That Alice woman offered to give us a ride back to Havana. Why’d you make us take the train? It smells like spoiled plantains in here.

SLATE
Because I sent a wire to Drew telling him to meet us at the Havana Depot, and I want that meeting to be sans wife.

MADISON
Well, I don’t know how much longer I can stand being in here. I forgot that people always talk about how amazing Cuban cigars are, like they’re a delicacy. I don’t think those people were sitting in an enclosed train car for three hours with secondhand cigar smoke.

SLATE
You just need to hold your breath for few more minutes and we’ll be in Havana.

MADISON
Ah!

SLATE
Hey, what’s happened?

MADISON
I fell on the floor. That happened.

SLATE
We must’ve hit something.

MADISON
Was it the side of Hemingway’s house? Because I think I hear bells tolling. Oh, my head…

SLATE
Whatever it was, it’s drawing a crowd.

MADISON
Why is everybody running?

SLATE
Oh, don’t look. Just don’t look.

MADISON
What is it? Ew-wah!

SLATE
I told you not to look!

MADISON
Like telling someone “not to look” has ever worked in the history of telling someone not to look! It guarantees someone is going to look!

SLATE
Then take in a good eye full of what used to be Jimmy Drew.

MADISON
Well, at least you know he came down to meet the train. And the two have definitely been introduced.

ANNOUNCER
We’ll be back in a moment with the second act of “Bold Venture!”

PROMO BREAK WITH CANARY P.I.

SCENE SEVEN

KING MOSES
“Miss Madison she bitch and moan/
to play the tourist and be Cuba shown/
a man and he wife suggest Batabanó/
for a hundred thirty-seven, fifty, who could say no?
She and Slate they deliver dah boat/
to one who open door and “Ay-eeee!” He quote/
Then in a choo-choo Madison complain/
When a man go squish under dee train.”

MADISON
Oh, good. Musical improv. My favorite. Please tell me it’s followed by an open mic night and a poetry slam.

SLATE
I think that’s all the sad songs we care to hear for one night, King.

KING MOSES
I know no other way to grieve for the dead who are strangers to me, Mr. Slate.

SLATE
I’ll introduce them to you. A fisherman man named Emilio López and a husband named Jimmy Drew. Now that you’re friends, how will you weep?

KING MOSES
I am afraid I cannot weep for them, Mr. Slate.

SLATE
No?

KING MOSES
No. Because I am a regular on this show and even in death, they got bigger scenes than me.

MADISON
Sounds like you need a better agent.

KING MOSES
You are tellin’ me, sista.

SLATE
Ella Wiley. How does a girl, with a hometown name like “Ella” cause the violent death of two men, Madison?

MADISON
I knew a girl named “Ella” once.

SLATE
Yeah…?

MADISON
Yeah.

SLATE
Riveting story. Thanks for sharing.

MADISON
Oh, there really wasn’t much to tell. Just the usual stuff. She graduated high school, went to college, married a cult leader, shot three National Guardsmen before the FBI sharpshooter took her down and burned out the compound.

SLATE
Glad I asked.

MADISON
So why do you think these guys were murdered?

SLATE
Murder? What makes you think Drew was murdered?

MADISON
Because this is noir and nobody dies of accidental deaths in noir. Where’s the fun in that?

SLATE
Well, I do think you and I are gonna have to look further into this.

KING MOSES
I am a very interesting character, you know. I spend my days observing the many people who come and go through the streets of Havana. But why ask me for assistance? Just leave me to watch over your broken down hotel!

MADISON
He really needs a better agent.

SCENE EIGHT
MARTY
Alice!

ALICE
That you, Marty?

MARTY
Yeah. Holding you like this makes me glow all over.

ALICE
Well, we’ll have to get back to it. Right now, there’s not a lot of time.

MARTY
You seem worried, Dream Girl.

ALICE
Running into Shannon and Madison on the train platform nearly ruined everything. That Madison wanted me to drive them back to Havana! She kept insisting she couldn’t take public transportation.

MARTY
Why couldn’t she take public transportation?

ALICE
The public.

MARTY
Aw, now, just relax. You gave the Batabanó police their names, didn’t you?

ALICE
Yes. But Jimmy was killed here in Havana.

MARTY
An accident. Shoulda seen the look on his face, Alice, when I pushed him from the platform. When he was falling, you couldn’t tell whether his face meant fright or ecstasy.

ALICE
Listen to me, Marty. The silk is on a boat named the Ella Wiley. We’ve got to be in Batabanó tonight to get it.

MARTY
Tonight is six hours from now.

ALICE
I’m nervous, Marty.

MARTY
Then rest your head on my shoulder, Dream Girl.

ALICE
I like it. It settles the nerves.

MARTY
Don’t waste another thought on those two patsies. They’ll be in a Cuban jail while we’re far away with that stolen silk.

SCENE NINE

COP
Buenos días, Señorita, I–

MADISON
Slate! You got a hotel customer!

COP
Señorita, please. I need to tell you–

MADISON
Wait, hang on. I’m only watching the front desk. Slate!

SLATE
Just give him a room!

MADISON
Was there an employee orientation I missed? You didn’t train me how to check somebody in!

COP
You misunderstand, I–

MADISON
Dude! I do not put up with rude customers. That’s the only reason I got bad Yelp reviews. My service is excellent.

SLATE
How difficult is it to check someone in? Hand the man the register and tell him it’s three-fifty a day. If he winces, let him have it for three.

COP
Señor! Por favor! This is important!

SLATE
Important, eh? That brings the rates back up to three-fifty.

MADISON
Three hundred and fifty a night?

COP
Señor!

SLATE
Hundred? What is this, the Ritz? I meant three dollars and fifty cents.

MADISON
I’ve seen your rooms. Three bucks is still high.

COP
For the first time in my life they send me to Havana. With all expenses paid! And this is what happens.

MADISON
You got an all expenses paid trip? You win a game show?

SLATE
He’s got an expense account and he’s complaining.

MADISON
Maybe he won the “Dating Game” but the girl backed out. If he came around the corner as my bachelor, I’d’a been like, “No bueno.”

COP
For twelve years I have been on the police force in Batabanó and in five minutos in Havana, these two give me an ulcer.

SLATE
For an ulcer I’ll knock the price back down to three.

COP
Such generous criminales.

MADISON
Did he just call us tamales?

SLATE
No. He called us criminals.

MADISON
Okay, that makes more sense.

SLATE
Not to me, it doesn’t. You wanna explain it, stranger?

COP
As I say, I am from the Batabanó Policía. You have stolen many crates of silk from a Batabanó warehouse. Also is murdered López, a fisherman with the treasured stolen silk on his boat.

MADISON
Silk? Unless you’re Macy’s, I’ve never stolen silk from you.

SLATE
All right, buster, I’ll bite. Who told you it was us?

COP
Oh, it was a very jolly imposition. All the Batabanó girls in my oficina. Pity, it took me many hours to whittle out of them your name, Señor Shannon. I giggled it out of them.

SLATE
That so?

MADISON
Dude, hookers always talk.

SLATE
And now you’ve come to giggle us into an arrest, huh?

COP
No, no, no. I am only here to observe you until such time as you prove yourselves guilty, Señor. As long as all of my expenses are paid in Havana, take all the time you need.

SLATE
A stake out in my own hotel lobby. Wonderful.

COP
I can pay for a room. Perhaps with a view of the ocean and… a lady’s company… Señorita?

MADISON
I hope your all expenses paid trip includes hospital bills.

SLATE
Sorry to break it up, pal, but Madison and I are goin’ back to Batabanó.

COP
Ay. I never get kicks on a case.

MADISON
You weren’t gonna get kicks on this case, either.

COP
Go to Batabanó. I follow leisurely. But take care, Señor. There is a side of me that does not giggle.

MADISON
If you show me that side, I’ll have you arrested.

SCENE TEN

MADISON
So much for all your girlfriends in Batabanó, Slate. They turned on you faster than Shrimp Creole left in the sun.

SLATE
Well, can I help it if a girl named Ella Wiley sneaks into the city without letting me know?

MADISON
So what’s the point of coming back here?

SLATE
We’re gonna keep asking questions until we get the right answer. Hey, there’s a woman over there who looks like she’s been around for a while.

MADISON
What a nice way of saying, “Hey, there’s old woman over there.”

SLATE
If I’m anything, it’s tactful. Buenos días, Señora!

OLD WOMAN
Buenos días.

SLATE
You know this waterfront pretty well?

OLD WOMAN
Unlike my husband and my children, the waterfront has never failed me.

MADISON
Ooo. Her house definitely smells like kitty litter.

SLATE
Ever heard of a girl who–

OLD WOMAN
At my age, mi chico, I have heard everything.

SLATE
Lemme finish, will ya?

MADISON
Be nice! She’s not used to talking to anyone who doesn’t meow.

SLATE
Ever hear of an Ella Wiley?

OLD WOMAN
Sí, Señor. Last week she was hauled out and scraped.

MADISON
I had that done once at a Beverly Hills spa.

SLATE
That a, uh, custom in Batabanó?

OLD WOMAN
That is the custom with boats. Where the underneath is stick to with barnacles.

MADISON
Oh, man. I hate when I get barnacles. It’ll leave a rash right on your–

SLATE
Well, what do you know, Madison? All day we’ve been looking for a girl when we should’ve been looking for a boat.

MADISON
So she probably didn’t need that prescription cream I had to use.

SLATE
Señora, what kind of a boat is the Ella Wiley?

OLD WOMAN
For fishing. One such as that one over there and all the rest.

SLATE
And where would I find the Ella Wiley?

OLD WOMAN
Far down that way. Almost to the end. What interest do you have of this boat, Señor?

MADISON
He wants to make sure he didn’t give her barnacles.

SLATE
I wanna look it over. Maybe buy it.

OLD WOMAN
Like the other señor, sí?

SLATE
Huh? What other señor?

MADISON
Uh-oh. She’s two-timin’ ya, Slate.

OLD WOMAN
Two nights ago, a man was aboard her. For what reason? I asked myself. Now I know. Perhaps to buy it.

SLATE
Tell me about the man you saw.

OLD WOMAN
I confess it, Señor. clearly the man. I did not notice

SLATE
That was probably Jimmy Drew loading the silk. Entertain our new friend, Madison. I’m goin’ for a walk.

MADISON
Wait, what? You’re leaving me here with this Cuban cat-lady?

SLATE
I’m sure you both have a lot in common.

MADISON
Slate! Okay, tell me about your cats.

OLD WOMAN
Cats? Oh, no, Señorita. I do not like cats. They upset my iguanas.

MADISON
Oh. Better. You’re a crazy lizard lady.

SCENE ELEVEN

SLATE
Madison. Hey, Madison! Wake up! Before they drag you in for vagrancy.

MADISON
O.M.G. there you are! What took you so long?

SLATE
Why, what happened? The old lady run out on ya?

MADISON
She had to go home and clean her iguana tank. Apparently their poop carries salmonella. So, that’s something I know now.

SLATE
Couldn’t help the delay. It took me ten minutes to cut a shift mooring line and set her adrift in a lonesome sea.

MADISON
None of the words in that sentence made any sense to me.

SLATE
I cut the Ella Wiley loose so she’s floating out to sea.

MADISON
If you wanted to lose a boat, I coulda done that! To my knowledge, the boat full of German tourists from the Disney Jungle Cruise I drove has never been found. How we got out to the open ocean from the theme park is still a mystery to me.

SLATE
Well, I’m counting on a cop out for a moonlight dip finding this boat. That is, if he’s kept in condition.

MADISON
Yeah. That cop looked like a real Michael Phelps — after he quit competitive swimming and took up competitive eating.

SLATE
Now, I need you for one last trick to pull this all off.

MADISON
I haven’t pulled off a trick in years.

SLATE
Didn’t you notice the bucket of paint I’m carrying?

MADISON
I did a topless film shoot where I was painted silver. So it was art. Not porn.

SLATE
Look, you see that fishing boat over there? The Lila Vee? A few clever strokes of this paint brush and Lila Vee becomes Ella Wiley.

MADISON
You mean like a makeover? I’ve never done a makeover on a boat before. I did do a makeover on my little sister once. She wanted Marilyn Monroe, but I gave her Marilyn Manson. She got all mad about it but the look worked better with her bone structure.

SLATE
I just need you to turn the “L” in “Lila” to an “E,” and the “I” to an “L.” That gives us “Ella.” Get it?

MADISON
Ohhhh….

SLATE
Ohhhh…. Yeah. And in no time at all, we’ll have “Ella Wiley,” a girl who never left home.

MADISON
After I made my sister look like Marilyn Manson, she never left home. She looked so much like him that she started getting hounded by his fans. What I can say? I do good work.

SCENE TWELVE

MADISON
It is so cold up here! Can’t we wait for them inside? I’ll even cook something in the galley. How about a nice piping hot bag of burnt microwave popcorn? It’s my specialty.

SLATE
What a bird brain you are. If they get us in the hold of this fishing boat, we’d never get out of there alive. What? Why are you lookin’ at me like that?

MADISON
I think “bird brain” is the most old timey insult I’ve ever gotten.

SLATE
We gotta stay on the deck, plain and simple. If you don’t like it, you can get outta this. I’ll meet you back in Havana.

MADISON
Geez. I just say I’m cold and instead of being a 1950’s gentleman and giving me your coat, you tell me to go home.

SLATE
Guess you just found out I’m not much of a gentleman.

MADISON
Dude! I think someone’s getting on the boat! What do we do? Hide?

SLATE
We say hello to them.

MADISON
We just say hello to the killers? That’s the plan here? Okay. I see your “bird brain” and raise you a “dumbass!”

SLATE
Well, hello, Mrs. Drew. And if it isn’t the lad I dropped off a boat. Welcome, folks, to the good ship, Ella Wiley.

MARTY
Ah, what do you know, Alice? A ship full of heisted silk guarded by two monkeys.

MADISON
I’m clearly “Davy” because I’m the cute one.

ALICE
How did you two get here?

SLATE
Oh, the usual way. Down the street, onto the dock and onto the ship. Is there any other way?

ALICE
So, you found out about the ship, too, huh?

SLATE
Sure. Jimmy Drew, your now late husband, heisted a load of silk and stashed it on the Ella Wiley, then ran back to Havana.

MADISON
I can’t believe you’re smuggling silk. You know silk is made from silkworms, not by silkworms. They have to kill like, seven thousand
silkworms in their cocoons to make two measly pounds of silk. You two have the blood of little baby silkworms on your hands.

MARTY
All right, I’m tired of this.

SLATE
Your gun doesn’t make any difference. Put yourself in my place. I’m a guy who just happens to know the lady’s husband because he hired me to take a cabin cruiser back to López with a piece of paper that told López where he hid the silk.

ALICE
You should’ve given Marty that piece of paper before you went to Batabanó. Then all of this wouldn’t be happening to you.

MARTY
Wait a minute, Alice. The boy’s got something in his mind.

SLATE
You’ve got a hold full of the silk,Marty. for? What do you need more killings

MADISON
So many murdered silkworms.

ALICE
Stop playing with them, Marty. Get rid of them.

SLATE
You’re a blood thirsty girl, Alice. Must’ve been you who rigged that booby trap.

MARTY
Picked myself a winner, huh, Shannon?

MADISON
She cheated on her husband with you, Marty. Statistically speaking, she’s three times more likely to repeat that behavior and cheat on you.

ALICE
Why, you–!

MARTY
Relax, Dream Girl. I wanna hear what Shannon is suggesting.

SLATE
Well, I’m not hard to please, Marty. There’s enough of that silk to take care of the time I spent keeping it for you.

MARTY
Jimmy wanted the silk, too. Got him a railroad track.

MADISON
Told you it was murder!

SLATE
Yeah, I think we’ve all been in agreement about that.

MADISON
I just wanted to point out that I was right.

MARTY
We’re not sharing that silk, Shannon.

SLATE
Have a look, Marty. After all, Madison and me got here first. We coulda run away with this boat.

MARTY
Yeah, that’s right, you could have. Lemme go look at that silk. Cover them with your gun, Alice. I’m going down into the hold.

ALICE
All right.

MADISON
I do really like your nails. The color compliments the mother-of-pearl handle on your gun.

ALICE
Oh, uh… thank you.

MARTY
Alice!

ALICE
What it, Marty?

MARTY
There’s no silk!

MADISON
Slate! Where are you going?

ALICE
I’m gonna kill you, Shannon! I’m going shoot you and watch you die! Marty… Marty…

SLATE
Hand me her gun, Madison.

MADISON
I don’t want to ruin her manicure.

SLATE
The mortician can do a touch up. Hand me her gun!

MADISON
Ew. Okay. Dead person. Here.

MARTY
Let me out of here! Let me out!

SLATE
Marty, you shot Alice. You hear me? Marty, you shot her. I’ve got her gun. Madison’s gonna open the door.

MADISON
No, I’m not! He just shot her through the door!

SLATE
Cool it! Throw your gun out first and come out with your hands up!

MARTY
Okay!

SLATE
Madison, hit the deck!

MADISON
What?!

SLATE
Get down!

MADISON
I told you he was gonna do that!

SLATE
Stay down! Warm enough for you now, Madison?

MADISON
Did you kill him?

SLATE
Looks like it.

MADISON
He was gonna kill us!

SLATE
You’ll pardon me if I prefer this ending.

MADISON
Can we go back to Havana now? I came to Cuba to relax in paradise. If I wanted all this bloodshed, I coulda just gone to Miami.

SCENE THIRTEEN

MADISON
Okay! This hammock is exactly what I needed.

SLATE
Enjoy it while you can. Paper said it was gonna rain.

KING MOSES
Mr. Slate! Miss Sailor is on the phone. She say she come back early from Key West.

SLATE
She did, huh?

KING MOSES
Yes. She need you to pick her up at the docks.

SLATE
You, uh, don’t mind if I leave you here, do you, Madison?

MADISON
Tell her I said, “Hey.”

SLATE
Great. I’ll be back.

KING MOSES
Can I get you anything, Miss Madison?

MADISON
I could use another rum and coke.

KING MOSES

Right away.

MADISON
Hang on. Why are you laughing?

KING MOSES
Who me?

MADISON
Look, this was the best bikini I could find with my… sizing.

KING MOSES
Oh, no, it is not that, Miss Madison. You see, there was no phone call from Miss Sailor.

MADISON
What?

KING MOSES
I made it all up so I could be in another scene.

MADISON
Well played, sir. Well played.

KING MOSES
Would you like to hear some guitar?

MADISON
That would be lovely.

KING MOSES
Madison she be workin’ so hard/
On her makeup show where she be dah bard/
Smoky eyes, to many she teach/
While she relax here by Cuba’s beach…

MADISON
Play it again, King Moses.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Bold Venture” ran from March 1951 to May of 1952 producing a total of 78 episodes. Humphrey Bogart played Slate Shannon and Lauren Bacall was the sexy Sailor Duval. The pairing for the series took elements from the many Bogart/Bacall films, specifically “To Have and Have Not” in which Bogart was a boat owner in the Caribbean who reluctantly becomes romantically involved with Bacall. The character of King Moses was modeled after Bogart’s relationship with “Sam” in Casablanca. The radio series was written by the prolific OTR writing team of Morton Fine and David Friedkin and produced by Bogart’s company, “Santana Productions” named for his and Bacall’s yacht, the Santana.