MADISON ON THE AIR: THE ADVENTURES OF ELLERY QUEEN “THE ADVENTURE OF MADISON STANDISH, SUSPECT” or “MADISON’S SECOND MURDER”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAY 2025

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
The Adventures of Ellery Queen! Tonight we bring you another thrilling adventure of Ellery Queen, the celebrated fighter of crime!

MADISON
O.M.G. you guys! So this detective show has a unique gimmick. They play the episode up until Ellery Queen declares he has “solved the mystery!” and then they cut to an interview with people they call their “armchair detectives” to guess what the answer is. The guests were usually public figures like actors, athletes or someone who’s job somehow related to the storyline. So for our show, we’ve invited three audio drama powerhouses to make their guesses before we play the end of the episode. Drew Frohmann of “Sorry About the Murder” and “Human B-Gon,” Shannon Perry from “Oz 9” and Sarah Golding from “Indie AF” and the Facebook group “Audio Drama Hub.” And this little break will also let all of you “armchair detectives” in podcastland get a chance to formulate a guess, too! Ah-mazing, right?

ANNOUNCER
You’ll hear from them a little later, but now here’s your host, Ellery Queen.

MADISON
I guess they’re in a hurry to start the episode.

ELLERY
Thank you, and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. In tonight’s case, my secretary, Nikki Porter, has gone out of town, and her temporary replacement finds herself hunted by the police. She is wanted for murder! I call it, “The Adventure of Madison Standish, Suspect.”

MADISON
I’m sorry, it’s called what now?!

ELLERY
Excuse me. Would you mind letting me through?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Ellery.

ELLERY
What’s going on here to warrant the attention of “Inspector Queen of the New York Police?”

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Gotta call from the railroad. Say, aren’t you up pretty early, Son?

ELLERY
Early, Dad? I overslept! I’m supposed to meet this train.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Somebody you know coming in?

ELLERY
Well, my assistant, Nikki, is visiting her family, so she arranged for a replacement who’s arriving on this train. A, uh… “Madison Standish.”

INSPECTOR QUEEN
“Madison?” A male secretary?

ELLERY
Apparently not.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Well, who am I to judge. I let your mother name you, “Ellery.”

ELLERY
All the passengers are out?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
I mean, with the last name of “Queen”…

ELLERY
Dad!

INSPECTOR QUEEN
What?

ELLERY
Have all the passengers gotten off the train?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Eh… not all.

ELLERY
What happened on the train, anyway?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
There’s a guy down there in one of the compartments with half his head blown off.

ELLERY
Well. I hope no one was waiting here at the station to meet him.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Come with me, I’ll show ya.

ELLERY
I do enjoy our father-son outings, Dad.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
If your mother had her way, you’d be with her right now at a sewing circle.

ELLERY
I like sewing, Dad.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Don’t say this to me. Bad enough you’re a P.I.

ELLERY
Who’s helped you solve quite a number of murders, as I recall.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Yeah, yeah.

OFFICER
I’m sorry, you can’t come in here, this is a crime scene. Oh, Inspector Queen.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
My son wants to see the body.

OFFICER
But, sir, he’s not a member of the police force. Even though he’s your son, it would be highly unethical if–

INSPECTOR QUEEN
It’s also highly unethical for me to assault a fellow officer. Now, get out of our way!

OFFICER
But, sir!

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Welp, there he is.

ELLERY
Six slugs in his head. Who was he?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Ernie Buffle, Midwest bank robber.

ELLERY
Gun taken away, I suppose?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Mm-hmm. And we found these three one thousand dollar bills on the floor of this compartment.

ELLERY
Lemme see those bills, Dad.

OFFICER
That’s evidence!

INSPECTOR QUEEN
You wanna get busted down to Meter Maid?

ELLERY
I thought so. Look at these serial numbers. They’re sequential. These three one thousand dollar bills are no doubt part of the stolen money.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
The money stolen from the Second Commercial Bank of Chicago night before last.

ELLERY
How much did he get away with, Dad?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Two hundred and fifty-eight thousand dollars.

ELLERY
That leaves only… two hundred and fifty-five thousand to recover.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Yep. Looks like it.

ELLERY
This was Buffle’s compartment, compartment C? In car one-oh-three?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
No, this compartment was occupied by a lady. The porter noticed her get off before he and the conductor found Buffle’s body.

ELLERY
A woman, huh? Young?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Mm-hmm. About five foot six, in her twenties with pretty blonde hair. And the compartment is full of her fingerprints.

ELLERY
Oh, look at this, a makeup compact.

OFFICER
There could be fingerprints on that!

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Of course there’re fingerprints on it!

ELLERY
I think he’s trying to tell me not to pick it up.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
He wasn’t going to pick it up! What kind of moron do you think I raised?!

OFFICER
We haven’t secured the scene yet, sir!

INSPECTOR QUEEN
You trying to tell me how to do my job?! Say that to me without a door between us!

ELLERY
Well, you don’t need me in on this.

OFFICER
I’m sorry, sir, but I have direct orders to prevent contamination of the scene!

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Contamination?!

ELLERY
I’ll catch you later, Dad.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Ah-ha! Face-to-face. Now you little…rookie!

OFFICER
(scared yelp)

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Come back here!

ELLERY
Bye, Dad.

SCENE TWO

ELLERY
Miss Standish? Madison? Wake up.

MADISON
Mm-hmm.

ELLERY
Madison, listen to me.

MADISON
I… I’m working on my makeup blog.

ELLERY
Um… Did you know you lost your makeup compact?

MADISON
I did?

ELLERY
Yes. On the train.

MADISON
A train…? What train? I don’t take public transport.

ELLERY
Don’t you remember? Nikki wired me yesterday from Chicago that you’d arrive in New York at eight-thirty this morning.

MADISON
Nikki? Who’s Nikki? AND O.M.G. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

ELLERY
Madison! I’m Ellery Queen! You work for me!

MADISON
Not in my bedroom I don’t! Wait. This isn’t my bedroom.

ELLERY
No, it’s not. You’re in Nikki Porter’s bedroom.

MADISON
O.M.G. I was dreaming that I was at home dreaming that I’d traveled back into old timey radio shows. But I really am in old timey radio shows dreaming I was back home!

ELLERY
You’ve… had a traumatic morning.

MADISON
Waking up to some strange dude standing over my bed is definitely contributing to my traumatic morning.

ELLERY
I’m sorry, I have a key to Nikki’s apartment.

MADISON
Oh. So personal assistant with benefits? That is not in my job description. But we can negotiate.

ELLERY
There was an incident on the train this morning.

MADISON
Hey. You were supposed to meet me at the train station.

ELLERY
Uh, yes. I was late.

MADISON
Well, then. If you can’t respect my time, I can’t respect yours. I’m going back to sleep. Shut the door on your way out.

ELLERY
Madison, this is urgent. I need to know which compartment you were in on the train.

MADISON
Compartment? I barely remember the train ride, much less which compartment I was in. I’m not good at remembering stuff like that. I can’t tell you how many times I drove somewhere, forgot where I parked, and then just Ubered home.

ELLERY
Let me jog your memory. Was it car one-oh-three, compartment C?

MADISON
If I say, “yes,” will you let me go back to sleep?

ELLERY
What about when you left the train? Don’t you remember anything?

MADISON
No, I don’t! Eh! Why am I so dirty? Physically dirty I mean. I know the other answer and it mostly has to do with personal preferences.

ELLERY
I think you were in a struggle of some sort.

MADISON
A struggle? I usually remember the fights I get in. Unless I was totally wasted. Which could be why I don’t remember the train.

ELLERY
You suffered a violent physical — as well as nervous — shock.

MADISON
I did? Whoa! Is this mirror accurate? I’m a mess!

ELLERY
Do you remember a man on the train?

MADISON
A man? Uh… kinda?

ELLERY
When did you first see this man?

MADISON
Am I covered in blood splatter?

ELLERY
The man was a criminal wanted for bank robbery. He was found lying on the floor of your compartment.

MADISON
Ew. What is this chunky stuff in my hair?

ELLERY
He was shot to death. Six bullets to the head.

MADISON
O.M.G. this is brain matter!

ELLERY
You left your makeup compact in the compartment. Your fingerprints are all over the place.

MADISON
Screw the compact! I need a shower! I need, twelve showers!

ELLERY
Madison, you’re in a jam. So talk to me, will you?

MADISON
Ohmahgawd! Some of it’s on my face. I think I got it in my mouth!

ELLERY
Madison! What happened in that compartment?!

MADISON
I killed him! Okay! I killed him!

ELLERY
Madison, any minute now my Dad, the Inspector of Police, will realize that the compact, the prints, the description — all add up to you. He may be on his way here now. Will you tell me what happened before he gets here?

MADISON
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Breathe… I need a yoga video. “Relaxation for murderers.” Help with the tension in my shoulders.

ELLERY
Madison, tell me exactly what happened.

MADISON
I don’t think I’m emotionally stable enough for a flashback scene.

ELLERY
Are you “emotionally stable enough” for prison?

MADISON
It was a cold, rainy morning in Chicago when the train pulled out of the Windy City…

SCENE THREE

MADISON
…We were almost to New York and I was getting my luggage together for our arrival. At that moment, my compartment door opened. Dude, you the porter? I love how in the past trains had porters to help you with your bags and stuff. I don’t think Amtrak even has employees. Good rule of thumb. Use the Amtrak bathroom at the beginning of your trip. By the end, you need a hazmat suit.

BUFFLE
Don’t call for help.

MADISON
I thought you were the help?

BUFFLE
And don’t yell.

MADISON
I’m not yelling. I have a naturally loud voice and adjust my volume to my surroundings. Right now we’re on a moving train, so, yes, I am speaking louder. We use a limiter, but you can turn the volume down, yourself, ya know.

BUFFLE
Do what I say and you won’t get hurt.

MADISON
A gun? Am I on Amtrak?

BUFFLE
You see this package? Put it in your suitcase.

MADISON
Can’t you afford your own luggage?

BUFFLE
Put it in your suitcase!

MADISON
I need to maintain control of my personal belongings at all times. I cannot accept packages or items from individuals I don’t know.

BUFFLE
I can use this gun to get to know ya.

MADISON
Let’s move some things around in my suitcase so your package will fit. Hmmm… Not really any room.

BUFFLE
Get rid of that case ya got in there.

MADISON
That’s my makeup! I can’t let the outside world see me without makeup! My mom entered me in baby beauty pageants, so I haven’t been seen by anyone without lipstick or mascara since I was six months old.

BUFFLE
Then figure somethin’ else out.

MADISON
I could take out my underwear. I prefer going commando anyway. After my brother’s skeezoid friends started stealing my panties, I just got used to it.

BUFFLE
Now get this. In five minutes, we’ll be in New York. You’ll carry your suitcase off the train yourself. Don’t give it to a red cap, understand? Walk up to the checkroom at the west end of the station and check the bag. I’ll be right behind ya.

MADISON
Should I be writing this down?

BUFFLE
Just try and remember.

MADISON
Oh. Wow. I am not from the generation who can retain information. Everything I’ll ever need to know is available on my phone, so I live a memory free lifestyle.

BUFFLE
You either remember what I’m tellin’ ya, or I’m gonna use a bullet to end your “life-style.”

MADISON
Okay, Silent Generation. Huh. That only works with Boomers. And it’s the late ’40s, so they’re all babies right now. “Okay, Baby Boomer.” Oh, wait. That’s actually what they’re called.

BUFFLE
Shut yer trap! Geez did I pick the wrong compartment.

MADISON
I’m sorry, go ahead. I was leaving my bag at the… checkroom?

BUFFLE
Very good. Then, when you get the baggage check, go to the nearest cigar stand and buy a packet of cigarettes.

MADISON
Oh, god, no. I’m an influencer. I can’t be seen promoting cigarettes. That’s totally off brand for me.

BUFFLE
Fine! A packet of gum! Then leave the check on the counter, careless like as if you dropped it, and then go on about your business.

MADISON
And, you’ll pick it up?

BUFFLE
That’s the idea, baby.

MADISON
How do I get my suitcase back from you?

BUFFLE
Ya don’t.

MADISON
But you’re gonna have all my stuff! My makeup!

BUFFLE
You’d rather be dead?

MADISON
Okay, wait, let me move some things around. I wanna fit as much of my makeup in my purse as possible.

BUFFLE
It was easier robbin’ a bank than dealin’ with you.

MADISON
You could help. Here, hold my compact.

BUFFLE
I can’t. I’m holdin’ the gun.

MADISON
Then put the gun down for a second!

BUFFLE
I ain’t puttin’ my gun down!

MADISON
What? I’m gonna jump out the window of a speeding train? You can be a criminal and a considerate person, too.

BUFFLE
Fine. Gimme it.

MADISON
Ha! Ha! Now I have the gun!

BUFFLE
Make a sucker outta me, will ya?!

MADISON
Ow! Dude! You slapped me! The last person who slapped me woke up with her pom-poms shaved bald.

BUFFLE
Get up off that floor. We’re almost at the station. Get up or I’ll–

SCENE FOUR

ELLERY
Yes, go on, Madison.

MADISON
That’s basically it. So, I’m going with self-defense and accidental discharge of a gun.

ELLERY
“Accidental?” With six bullets, all to his head?

MADISON
Which aren’t you buying? It being accidental, or my being able to hit him six times in the head? That compartment was tiny and he was right on top of me. Like being pinned down by a walrus with garlic breath.

ELLERY
Neither argument is really helping your case. For all I know, you were part of the bank robbery and this is you double crossing your partner.

MADISON
What?! But you were expecting me! Nikki told you I was coming to work as your assistant!

ELLERY
I know, I know. But you can see how the police might look at it.

MADISON
I can’t even remember the last time I was in a bank. I do online banking. Only old people go to banks. I assume because they’re trying to fill the hours as they tick down the clock.

ELLERY
I see you brought your suitcase home. Mind if I take a look for the package?

MADISON
Go for it. Old people and money are weird. It’s bad enough when they try to pay with cash, but then they scribble on a piece of paper with pictures of puppies on it and they’re all, “this counts as money.” Let me get the manager.

ELLERY
Package isn’t in here. But there’s no question that your suitcase contained the two-hundred and fifty-eight thousand dollars Buffle stole from that bank.

MADISON
Then where did the money go?

ELLERY
Three thousand of it was found on the floor of the compartment. And look here.

MADISON
At what?

ELLERY
This bulge in your coat pocket. A gun. All six shots fired. I’m afraid, Madison, that this was the gun that killed Buffle. His own gun.

MADISON
Obviously somebody planted the evidence! Uck. It’s that summer trip to Italy all over again.

ELLERY
Can’t you remember anything? What you might’ve done with the rest of the money?

MADISON
I really don’t remember! Everything is so foggy. I’ll tell you what I told the Italian cops. I don’t know how I came to be swimming naked in the Venice canal but can I please have a towel. Dude! Is that the cops?!

ELLERY
Okay, look. You’re to tell Dad the truth.

MADISON
But you already said the truth makes me sound guilty! No. I should lie. Lying never actually works, but it sure bides you some valuable time to skip town while the Italians run your Visa.

ELLERY
No, don’t give up, understand? Just hang on. Meanwhile, I’ll be backtracking, trying to find the money.

MADISON
I really don’t like this plan.

ELLERY
Well, you really don’t have a choice. I’m coming, Dad!

RITA
Drop the rod.

MADISON
That’s your dad? Hmm. Progressive.

ELLERY
I don’t know these people.

JUPE
You heard her, bud. Drop the rod.

ELLERY
Sure. It’s not loaded, anyway.

FRANK
Yeah, Rita, it’s Ernie’s gun, all right.

JUPE
That was a good hunch, Frank, followin’ this guy from the station.

RITA
Jupe, shut the door.

JUPE
Sure thing.

ELLERY
You followed me here from Grand Central?

FRANK
Yeah. We are three friends of Ernie Buffle’s

JUPE
We came in on the same train from Chicago.

RITA
We hung around the station where Ernie didn’t get off the train. You, baby doll, come here.

MADISON
I’m not a “baby doll.” I’m more of a Malibu Barbie. But without the tan because sun is bad for your skin. You all should be wearing sunscreen every day.

RITA
Thanks for the tip. Now, you wanna tell me how you got Ernie into your compartment?

MADISON
O.M.G. You’re the jealous girlfriend, aren’t you?

RITA
I spotted you on the train.

MADISON
Look, girl, that guy had the personality of spoiled potato salad lost in the back of a work refrigerator. Not my fault I was the one assigned to clean out the fridge.

RITA
You knocked off my Ernie!!

ELLERY
Madison!

JUPE
Back off, you!

FRANK
Yeah… I wanna watch this.

RITA
Jupe! Get ‘er off me!

FRANK
I don’t think that one’s wearin’ underwear!

RITA
Jupe!!

JUPE
I got ‘er! I got ‘er!

MADISON
Why does every girl think I’m trying to steal her boyfriend? I only steal the good ones.

RITA
Frank, Jupe. Tie ’em both up.

FRANK
I’ll take the girl!

JUPE
I’m already holdin’ onto her.

FRANK
We could trade.

RITA
Just do it!

FRANK
Aw! That ain’t fair! He got the lady bank teller while I got stuck with that old security guard!

MADISON
No offense, but if we were in a club, Jupe would be the one gettin’ my digits.

JUPE
Uh… really?

RITA
Shut up all of ya! I need baby doll, here, to tell me what did she did with the dough.

MADISON
Funny story, right before you guys got here, Ellery and me were talkin’ about that and– I have no idea.

RITA
You’re lyin’.

MADISON
No, seriously, facts. I don’t know.

ELLERY
Can’t you see she’s telling the truth?

FRANK
Steady pal! I ain’t quite finished tying ya.

JUPE
You need help?

FRANK
You just stick to your little pixie girl there, and I’ll take care of this big ape by myself, okay?!

JUPE
O-kay.

RITA
Would you two clam up?! It was like this all the way from Chicago.

MADISON
You should’ve gotten a private compartment.

RITA
As for you, baby doll, I’m gonna give you one more chance. Tell us where you hid that dough from the bank.

MADISON
Sorry. I got nothin’.

RITA
Okay, we’ll do it the hard way.

MADISON
Which is?

RITA
Uh… Frank! Jupe! Search the place for the dough!

MADISON
Oh. So the hard way for you.

RITA
Shut up! Boys! Search!

FRANK
You want me to hold onto this guy or you want me to search for the dough?

JUPE
He’s tied up, you can let him go.

FRANK
I’ll thank you not to tell me how to do my job.

JUPE
Like how I had to tell you to pull down your mask before we went into the bank?

FRANK
It was hot! I was just about to!

MADISON
Ohmygawd! Look, I don’t have your money, but you can take anything you find in my purse.

ELLERY
Wait a minute! Everyone! Look, I’m Ellery Queen.

RITA
The detective?

ELLERY
And this is my… temporary secretary, Madison Standish. I give you my word, Madison doesn’t know where that money is.

MADISON
Aw. Thanks for vouching for me even though we just met today for the first time. I would never do that. You have no reason to trust me.

JUPE
So, what do we do, Rita?

FRANK
Oh, no suggestions on how Rita should run this caper?

JUPE
She’s Ernie’s girl. She knows what Ernie would do.

FRANK
Who cares what Ernie would do? Ernie’s dead!

RITA
Shut up, Frank!

MADISON
Seriously, Frank. That was harsh.

RITA
All right, Mr. Queen, you just gave me an idea. You got quite a rep. You’re pretty good at finding out stuff. So, you find that dough for us.

FRANK
Rita, are you nuts?

JUPE
Shut up, Frank! How’s it figure, Rita?

RITA
He’ll find the dough for us because we’re gonna be keepin’ this doll of his company in a nice, safe place. Get it, Mr. Queen?

ELLERY
I get it.

MADISON
I don’t.

RITA
We’re kidnapping you.

MADISON
What? Right now?

RITA
You got twelve hours, Queen. You’ll get a phone call at midnight tonight.

MADISON
Hang on! I need to shower. Didn’t you notice the red dots all over me? I don’t have the measles, this is Ernie’s blood splatter!

FRANK
Cops!

JUPE
Rita, let’s scram!

RITA
Jupe, grab the doll!

JUPE
Come on, baby!

FRANK
Why couldn’t I grab her?

MADISON
I’ll let you sit next to me in the car, okay?

RITA
Come on, Frank!

FRANK
I’m comin’! But before I go, Mr. Queen, I’m gonna give you somethin’ to remember us by!

ELLERY
I wish my hands were free!

FRANK
Here’s till midnight, sucker!

MADISON
Dibs on the front seat!

FRANK
What?! No! I thought we were sittin’ in the back together!

SCENE FIVE

ELLERY
Dad, they phone yet? It’s midnight.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
No, Son, no call yet. Any luck out there?

ELLERY
Yeah. I found the cab driver who drove Madison from the station. He remembered her because she was rambling on about his not offering passengers bottled water or mints? Clearly she was disoriented.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
May be, but look what I found in the suit you were wearing this morning. A one thousand dollar bill.

ELLERY
Yes, and with the three found in the train, that makes it four bills recovered from Buffle’s haul.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Where did you get it, Ellery? Don’t tell me I got that rookie cop from the train suspended when he was right. I do not need another corruption scandal.

ELLERY
Oh, don’t act the inspector with me, Dad. I found it in the pocket of Madison’s coat along with Buffle’s gun. I didn’t even tell Madison about it.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
I thought you said Buffle’s pals searched you.

ELLERY
They did, but I palmed the bill and after they got through frisking me, I simply put the bill in my pocket. Say, what’s this, Dad?

INSPECTOR QUEEN
The autopsy report on Buffle.

ELLERY
Very interesting.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
What’s interesting about? Six shots to the head. It’s not like they discovered he drowned.

ELLERY
It’s the bank robbers. I’ll get it. Queen speaking.

FRANK
Hello, Queen.

ELLERY
How’s Madison?

FRANK
She’s all right… So far.

MADISON
Hey, is it okay if I use this shampoo?

ELLERY
Did she just say… “shampoo?”

FRANK
Uh… yeah. Rita’s lettin’ her take a shower.

ELLERY
I’m surprised you didn’t offer to keep an eye on her.

FRANK
She, uh… made it clear on the drive over here — with a very well placed elbow — that I was to keep my distance.

ELLERY
Ouch.

FRANK
Now quit yer stallin’! Did you find out where the dough is?

ELLERY
Yes.

FRANK
Where is it?

ELLERY
I’ll tell you when I see you, Frank. You and Jupe and Rita.

FRANK
Will you have the dough with you?

ELLERY
No, but I’ll tell you where you can find it. Where do I meet you?

FRANK
Nothin’ doin’. I don’t like it.

ELLERY
Suit yourself, Frank. Goodbye.

FRANK
Wait a minute! Don’t you care about the dame? We’re not gonna let her go, ya know.

MADISON
Do you only have bar soap?! It dries out my skin!

FRANK
Pick me up at First Avenue and 96th.

SCENE SIX

JUPE
Everything okay, Frank? No cops hidin’ in his car?

FRANK
Ya know, if you think I’m so bad at my job, why’d you join up with us?

JUPE
I didn’t join up with you, you joined up with us.

FRANK
Nah, nah, nah. That’s not how I remember it. Ernie approached me.

JUPE
Yeah, well, Rita approached me.

FRANK
Oh! So maybe there’s somethin’ goin’ on between you and Rita?

RITA
What did you say, Frank?

FRANK
Rita, I didn’t see you there.

RITA
You’re being very rude to our guest.

ELLERY
Where’s Madison?

RITA
Where’s the dough?

ELLERY
No Madison, no talk.

RITA
In here.

ELLERY
Madison. You all right?

MADISON
There was like, no hot water, they’ve never heard of conditioner and I’m wearing one of Rita’s dresses which is so cheap it makes Wal-Mart look like a designer label.

RITA
Whether you found out where she hid the dough or not, I still might bump her off.

ELLERY
She didn’t hide the dough.

RITA
What’re you talkin’ about?!

FRANK
She had to’ve hidden it!

JUPE
Where else could it be?

MADISON
Seriously. I was alone in the compartment with him, we fought over the gun, he’s dead, the money’s gone. I’d put all bets on me.

ELLERY
I was able to trace your movements, Madison. You carried your suitcase right from the train to a station cab. You spoke to no one… except to yell at a young boy on crutches.

MADISON
He almost tripped me!

ELLERY
You gave the cab driver Nikki’s home address. He drove you right there. You got out and the landlady saw you come in and go to Nikki’s room. You didn’t drop anything. You didn’t leave anything in the cab.

MADISON
Geez! Who needs doorbell cams with that landlady around.

ELLERY
That stolen money wasn’t found in Madison’s room because Madison never brought it there. She never took it from the train.

MADISON
So… someone else did?

ELLERY
Someone else did.

JUPE
Malarky!

FRANK
Next thing we know you’ll be tellin’ us she didn’t bump off Ernie.

ELLERY
She didn’t.

RITA
She didn’t?

MADISON
I didn’t?

ELLERY
You didn’t. I just saw the autopsy report.

MADISON
Oh! Let me see the autopsy report! I watched all twelve seasons of “Bones” and know everything about particulates, bone fractures and that you can draw out a will-they/ won’t-they way longer than the audience cares about.

ELLERY
I don’t have the report. Dad showed it to me. At the time of the shots, Madison, you were on the floor and Buffle was coming at you, leaning over you.

MADISON
I remember there was a distinct lack of oral hygiene.

ELLERY
The autopsy report shows that all six bullets struck Buffle’s head at the top and at the back. Only someone higher than Buffle could have fired those shots.

MADISON
The path of the bullet trajectory! Brilliant! You also could’ve checked my hands for gun shot residue, examined the patterns left by the blood splatter, or recognized I’m the lead on the show so no way I’d be the murderer.

RITA
So you’re sayin’ someone else sneaked into the compartment?

MADISON
Yeah. One of you guys because you’re just guest stars.

ELLERY
Now it’s perfectly clear, isn’t it? You were all in on that Chicago robbery with Buffle. You all came in on the same train, Buffle carrying the money. At the last moment, Buffle decided to double cross the rest of you. He got into Madison’s compartment and tried to get her to carry the money off the train for him so he could recover her suitcase later and have the whole haul for himself.

RITA
Ernie double crossed us.

MADISON
I feel ya, girl. I’ve dated bad boys. Never a bank robber but this one boyfriend tried to mug someone to get the cryptocurrency from their phone. But someone else had cyberattacked his crypto exchange so the guy was already wiped out.

RITA
What?

MADISON
I know. I don’t understand cryptocurrency, either.

ELLERY
I’ll tell you what’s more. One of you actually suspected Buffle might double cross you. So you followed Buffle and stood outside Madison’s compartment and heard the whole thing.

MADISON
The guy had me at gunpoint! Thanks for helping!

ELLERY
You helped them. When Buffle was distracted, one of you entered the compartment, shot Buffle with his own gun, framed Madison for the murder–

MADISON
Rude.

ELLERY
–and walked off the train carrying the money, saying nothing to the other two of you. Not only was Buffle a double crosser, one of you three is a double crosser, too.

JUPE
Where’s the two hundred and fifty-four grand, Rita?

RITA
I didn’t take it, Jupe! I wouldn’t have killed Ernie! Not Ernie.

JUPE
Frank!

FRANK
Don’t put the finger on me, Jupe! You got nothin’ on me. Maybe you did it yourself. What, with your close personal relationship with Rita here.

JUPE
I ain’t got no relationship with Rita!

RITA
Wash yer mouth out, Frank.

JUPE
Nah, it’s one of you two. I didn’t swear on to this bank job to get cheated outta mine.

FRANK
Neither did I!

MADISON
Whoa! This is like that Spider-man meme where the three Spider-men are all pointing at each other. Except this version has guns.

ELLERY
Hold it! I’ll put the finger on the one who killed Buffle and hid that money, if the other two of you promise to let Madison and me walk out of here unharmed when I’ve done so.

MADISON
Ooo. I like that condition. Smart thinking.

RITA
All right, sure.

JUPE
Okay.

FRANK
I promise.

ELLERY
No, no, that’s too easy. Suppose you all put your guns on the table first. As a guarantee of good faith. Then I’ve got as good a chance as any of you to grab one, just in case you forget your promise.

MADISON
And remember the last time I tried to grab a gun, the guy ended up dead.

RITA
Here’s mine. Jupe.

JUPE
Okay. Come on, Frank.

FRANK
I got a clear conscience.

RITA
All right, one of us is a cockeyed liar. Go on, Queen, talk. Who killed Ernie?

MADISON
Okay, everybody! This is where we break to have our conversation with our “armchair detectives!” They’re going to give their guesses on who they think the murder is. And you can see if you agree with them or not!

UNSCRIPTED INTERVIEW WITH SARAH GOLDING, SHANNON PERRY AND DREW FROHMANN

MADISON
Okay, everybody, welcome our armchair detectives.

SARAH
Oh, hello Madison. I’m Sarah Golding. I’m from Wireless Theater and Quirky Voices, and NDAF is a, a show I make too. So everyone who’s making audio fiction should hunted out right away. And I also work on a show called Oz nine with some legendary woman, if any. If she were here–

SHANNON
I have no idea what you’re talking about. Uh, hi Shannon Perry, Oz, nine and other stuff. Uh, yeah. Hi. I know who did it. I’m just saying, and if I don’t know, could you not, do you really the story wrong?

DREW
Do you know?

SHANNON
I always know, dude, and I just assume that the, the script is wrong. If my guess is wrong, that’s my dog. She would like to participate as well.

MADISON
Introduce the dog. Who’s the dog?

SHANNON
Zoe. That’s Zoe.

MADISON
And, uh, is our Canadian representing Hello?

DREW
Hi. Hi Madison, it’s Drew Frohmann. Yeah. I have a show called, “Sorry About the Murder”, uh, where, uh, small town little murders take place every day in this cute little Canadian town.

MADISON
So you’ve got some background on like discovering murderers.

DREW
Yes, I do. More experienced sort of drinking in a small town, less on solving murders.

SARAH
Oh my gosh. A head start. How dare you?

SHANNON
Nice.

MADISON
Okay. Okay, you guys. So who is gonna go first? Who is gonna make their guests as to who the murderer is?

SHANNON
Are we gonna hear some sort of, eh!!, if we’re wrong, or is there gonna be like a, is there is, are there sound effects? ’cause I need to kind of get myself mentally prepared for that.

DREW
Shannon, it sounds like, you know, you seem to have some confidence. So, you know what, I’ll start. I have no confidence. I listened the first time and I was like, oh, it’s over already. Um, I thought, I think Madison’s just so. Brilliant. Madison, you’re so fun to listen to. It was hilarious. So then I asked if I could listen a second time, so I did. And, um, super fun. I caught that the woman gangster was having a thing with the other one. Yes. Um, which makes me think that it might have been Frank that I missed a clue, but I don’t want Frank to be the killer because Frank, Frank is the best like. Thank you not to tell me how to do my job. That was the greatest. I loved Frank. So then I listened a third time. This is embarrassing. Yeah, yeah. I wa I I wasn’t gonna listen a third time ’cause I’m like, that’s, that’s cheating. Right?

MADISON
I recommend everyone listen to my episodes at least three times. Get me some downloads,

DREW
But then my ego was like, yeah, you have a show with murder in it. You have to know something you have to pretend to look like, and nope, no idea. I got the names. I, I just know I have a theory of maybe if one of ’em was really tall and I don’t remember who that might have been, I’m gonna guess it was gonna, guess it was. I, I wanna say it’s Jupe because I love Frank. I don’t want Frank to go away for a long time. That’s all I got. Yes.

SARAH
That’s quite important.

MADISON
All right. So Drew is saying Jupe. Yes. And we think, and you also have a theory that Jupe is tall.

SHANNON
(buzzer noise!)

DREW
Jesus.

MADISON
Okay. Uh, so Shannon has a different opinion. Who do you think did to Shannon?

SHANNON
I always have a different opinion. I, I think, frankly it was Rita and that she was on the baggage rack. So she doesn’t have to be tall. She was up there in the baggage rack.

SARAH
What?

SHANNON
And I will give you my reasons why. I think it was Rita. Okay. Uh, so once she was having an affair with Jupe, despite Jupe’s protestations to the contrary, uh, she used the money angle to distract Elle Queen from investigating the murder by getting him to go find the money so that she could have both the money and not get like caught. And we know that she needs money because Madison refers to her clothing as a cheap

DREW
Damn. You did that on one listen?

SHANNON
I took notes. I fricking took notes. I did.

DREW
I know.

SHANNON
No, that was two. That was two listens. Yeah, totally. One listen. One listen. And I’m that good. Baggage rack. I’m telling you the shots to the top of the head from the baggage rack.

DREW
So, okay, let me, were you doing something else while you were listening? Like were you I was making a–

SHANNON
I was making a sandwich.

DREW
Okay, so you were, Jesus, that’s really impressive. That’s really impressive because I, I’ve only listened once.

SARAH
That’s not fair. Right. We have to stop this right now so I can listen again.

MADISON
Let’s ha hear from Sarah. Sarah then.

SARAH
Okay. No, I know. I love, I love your theories. I love them very much and I, I went through a lot of things because I, I think, you know, could Ellery, did Ellery ever do it was my first thought. ’cause you know, the person you least suspect is always the person to suspect. Right? So if I’m going on that kind of reckoning, I think Shannon did it.

SHANNON
Oh, dammit.

DREW
Oh, I’m, I’m there. Yes. Shannon did it. I, can I change my vote?

SARAH
Uh, but beyond that, there was one key, key element, I think to do with money and numbers. And I, I went through like, uh, listening to this with, you know, pen, pen poised if I had one at my fingertip to type. And essentially I think the, the person has to be tall. You’re right, because they stood over and did the horrible, nasty gun things. Um, Shooty pointy gun and then I thought, well perhaps like with Rita, she would probably be quite noisy ’cause they always was stilettos in that time. So I don’t think it was her. And I think that, um, when they were talking, Jupe mentioned an amount of money, 254 grand. Now I wrote down that it was 258 grand and there were three grand found on the floor. Jupe said that 254 grand. How did he know? Ellery had taken and found the other grand in the pocket of Madison’s coat. Right. Oh, so that is what my theory right now is that it was true

MADISON
And she only listened once, you guys, you listened to it multiple times and she came up with this really scientific theory.

DREW
Darn you, for actually being like, serious about this. Nice.

SHANNON
It’s just offensive.

DREW
So, so who, so is Jupe Sarah who did it?

SARAH
I, I think so. Yeah. I think it was Jupe. But you and I agree, but for slightly different reasons.

DREW
Yeah, you’re, well yours is a real reason.

MADISON
Yeah. You think it’s Jupe because of math. He thinks it’s Jupe because he’s tall.

DREW
Yes. You know, combine those two things. Scientifically stamped. It’s true. All, all tall mathematicians are murderous monsters, right? That’s true. Right? Yeah. But then we’ve got Rita in the luggage rack, according to Shannon

SARAH
In the Benedict Cumberbatch.

SHANNON
Okay.

SARAH
So I kind of considered the luggage rack thing, but I couldn’t figure out how somebody, she would’ve been in there for a while, I guess a long time. Right. How would they have known to go into Madison’s?

SHANNON
Yeah. And they were, isn’t she in a sleeper car? I don’t think sleepers have luggage racks.

MADISON
So, but nobody thinks it’s Frank, then Frank’s off the hook.

DREW
Thank you. I can’t be frank. He’s so funny.

MADISON
And you know, funny people never commit crimes. That’s why I’m not guilty.

SHANNON
Frank, to me, strikes me as the sharpest of the. He’s definitely the sharpest knife in the block of all of them. So I would like think he would be the most capable pulling it off, but I also think this would be less sloppy and screwed up if Frank.

DREW
What if it was the kid in the, with the crutches? I, I did think about him. How could be the kid, but how could that be? Right?

SARAH
It could be in the crutch then. Could you stuff that much amount of money in crutches?

MADISON
I guess it, it depends. Is it all singles? ’cause usually I get paid in singles.

SARAH
Yeah. Madison, you’re life. What job do you do to get a grand in singles?

SHANNON
The the kid on crutches. I think the kid on crutches turning out to be a woman would be a very Ellery queen the TV show thing to suddenly pull at the very end, like right. At the very end, you’re like, oh, didn’t you notice that the young boy on the crutches had a hint of mascara and I don’t know, stiletto heels on? Oh, surprise. It was a woman.

DREW
Yeah, this one’s uh, tough. So what do you think, Shannon? You’re so, uh, confident now. It’s all about the luggage racks Spider-Man over there. Rita’s a ninja.

SARAH
No. No. I, no, I mean, Madison, is she truly off the hook though? Really? I mean, if someone is that covered Madison, in quite close proximity. Yeah,

MADISON
I’m the lead on the show.

DREW
I’m the lead!

SARAH
Yeah, but you can still go to prison. Many leads of shows have been to prison before, Madison.

MADISON
You want me to go to prison? Why did I bring you on the show, Sarah?

SARAH
Ah, well I’d bring you cake. I’d come see you. I’d come see you.

MADISON
Okay, you guys. So let’s, let’s review one more time. We’ve got Drew and Sarah believe that it is Jupe.

DREW
Yep.

MADISON
Shannon thinks it’s Rita.

SARAH
Or Ellery or Ellery or all of the background artists

SHANNON
Or someone else? I think it’s Rita or possibly someone else.

DREW
Right. Someone else. Gotcha.

MADISON
And then Frank is gonna get his own spinoff show because he’s so awesome.

DREW
Frank. We love Frank

SARAH
Groovy.

MADISON
Alright, one more time. Who am I speaking to?

SARAH
Uh, Sarah Golding of Wireless theater and Quirky voices.

SHANNON
Hello, Shannon Perry Oz 9.

DREW
Drew Frohmann of, uh, “Sorry About the Murder.”

MADISON
Thank you guys so much for being my armchair detectives and everybody who’s out there. Let’s see if you agree with them or you have your own theories. Of course, they’ve pretty much covered every single cast member, so it could be anyone at this point.

SARAH
Exciting. Can we get untied from these answers now? Is that okay?

MADISON
No, not until the end.

SCENE SEVEN

ELLERY
All right. Now, Rita, how much money was in that bank haul?

RITA
Two hundred and fifty-eight grand.

ELLERY
Two hundred and fifty-eight thousand dollars. But Buffle’s killer left some of that money to frame Madison, so he, or she, didn’t get away with the full amount. Jupe, how much did the killer actually get away with?

JUPE
I just said it a minute ago. Two hundred and fifty-four grand.

ELLERY
Two hundred and fifty-four thousand. Frank, is that right?

MADISON
Ooo! Ooo! I know! Call on me!

ELLERY
Let Frank answer.

FRANK
Huh? No, it oughta be… Two hundred and fifty-five. The papers today said three one thousand dollar bills were left on the floor of the train.

ELLERY
The papers were wrong, Frank, because–

MADISON
Me, me, me, me, me!

ELLERY
Put your hand down Madison. The papers didn’t know that the killer left an additional one thousand dollar bill in Madison’s coat pocket where I found it.

MADISON
I knew that!

ELLERY
Wait, you knew there was a fourth bill hidden in your pocket? You didn’t mention it to me.

MADISON
I found it in there with the gun.

ELLERY
You found the gun, too?

MADISON
No, I was just walking all over New York with a gun bouncing around in my pocket and didn’t realize it. Have you seen the size of a woman’s coat pocket compared to a man’s coat pocket? I barely can fit a tissue in mine but you can stuff the population of New Jersey in yours.

RITA
Are you going to tell us who bumped off Ernie or not?

ELLERY
It all comes down to there being four outstanding thousand dollar bills, not three, as the newspapers reported.

MADISON
Wait, wait, wait! I got this. So four minus two hundred and fifty-eight equals… negative two hundred and fifty-four. Wait. I gotta put the bigger number in first. Two hundred and fifty-eight minus– gah! I hit multiply.

ELLERY
It’s two hundred and fifty-four thousand, as Jupe correctly stated.

RITA
Jupe?

JUPE
What are you talkin’ about, Queen?

ELLERY
Only three people know that the exact amount in the killer’s possession is two hundred and fifty-four thousand dollars, Jupe. I’m one of them. My father, Inspector Queen, is number two, and Buffle’s killer is the third.

MADISON
And me! That makes four. Now who sucks at math?

ELLERY
Sorry, I only just discovered you knew, too, Madison. And apparently played dumb all morning.

MADISON
Hey! You were all “my dad’s a cop, he’s comin’ over here, he thinks you’re the killer” blah, blah, blah. I was tryin’ to keep my cards close the the chest! Which isn’t easy with my cup size.

FRANK
I coulda helped.

MADISON
That’s it, I’m goin’ for one of these guns.

ELLERY
Madison!

JUPE
Don’t anybody move!

MADISON
Hey! He’s got another gun! That’s cheating!

RITA
You dirty double crosser!

JUPE
Get to the other side of the room, all of ya. I’m gonna take these rods… I’m gonna get the dough, and I’m gonna scram outta here. Whichever one of ya that comes after me gets–

MADISON
Shot? Was he going to say, “whichever one of ya that comes after me gets shot?”

INSPECTOR QUEEN
I’m more interested in what he said about getting the dough.

ELLERY
Come on in, Dad. Good to see you.

MADISON
Oh, that’s Officer Daddy-O.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
If he was going to scram with the dough, that means he’s hidden it in this house. Men, search the place! And take these cuties in, too.

JUPE
My shoulder!

RITA
Serves ya right, you dirty fink.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
Come on, let’s go, you.

MADISON
Wait! I didn’t rob the bank! I did commit wire fraud once, but my grandma dropped the charges!

FRANK
Come with us, Madison, you can sit next to me in the squad car.

MADISON
Ellery!

ELLERY
Hang on, Dad. Madison is the one I told you about who’s covering for Nikki.

INSPECTOR QUEEN
You sure she’s not mixed up in this? I can hold her downtown for a few days if you want me to.

ELLERY
Then who’d I get to be my secretary?

MADISON
One of these episodes I really am gonna murder one of you.

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“Ellery Queen” started as a pseudonym created by two detective crime fiction writers, Frederic Dannay and Manfred Bennington Lee in 1928 when they entered a mystery novel writing contest. They made the character and the writer of the novel one in the same, believing audiences would remember the detective’s name but not theirs. They won the contest, but the magazine sponsoring it went bankrupt and they never collected! However, the popular character went on to be featured in novels, comics books, theater, film, television and even board games and puzzles! Of course, we featured “The Adventures of Ellery Queen” the radio series which premiered on CBS in 1939, jumped around a bit, and finished its run on ABC in 1948. But no matter where the show aired, the “armchair detective” gimmick was always its biggest feature, a popular guest spot for celebrities of the era. It’s estimated that they had 750 guests over the show’s lifetime! And the majority of their solutions to the mysteries were almost always wrong! How did you do?