MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE BIRDS” ESCAPE

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JULY 2025

SCENE ONE
EDWARD
Tired of the everyday grind? Ever dream of a life of romantic adventure? Want to get away from it all? We offer you– “Escape!” “Escape!” Designed to free you from the four walls of today for a half hour of high adventure. Hello, everyone. This is Edward October. I’m your host, once again, for this year’s “Madison on the Air” Halloween episode. “Escape” was an anthology series. In 1954, they premiered their adaptation of Daphne du Maurier’s short story, “The Birds,” nearly a decade before Hitchcock would bring it to the silver screen. “Escape’s” adaptation is closer to that of the original story. But, you know what happens when Madison gets involved. I’m just warning you, there’s no Tippi Hedren. But you still might get to the end and think twice about that bird feeder you have outside your window. Now, let me set the scene… You are in a cottage on the southern coast of England. The autumn countryside surrounds you, desolate and bleak. And you know that in the dusk outside, waiting patiently for you, silently watching for you, is an enemy from whom there may be no… escape.

MADISON
Okay, I had taken a job as like, a governess to the Hawkins family. They were British, so, I was thinkin’ it’d be all “Mary Poppins” with spoonfuls of sugar and dancing with hot chimney sweeps, but instead it was just the day-to-day grind dealing with two little kids and their mom who didn’t want to actually raise her own kids, but didn’t trust me to do anything, either. The husband had gotten them this cottage on coastal farmland. He was supposed to visit from London on weekends, but you know how that goes. So I was stuck alone with the mom, Deborah, who clearly wasn’t taking the isolation very well. There wasn’t a lot to do when the kids were at school, so she would insist I sit with her on the cliffside while we ate lunch and she… bitched.

DEBORAH
The country is simply full of birds, isn’t it, Madison?

MADISON
Where else would you put them?

DEBORAH
All their endless chirping. In the city, we don’t have to hear all this mindless chattering.

MADISON
It’s very inconsiderate. Damn you, nature… existing.

DEBORAH
There are so many more birds now that it’s late autumn. In the spring, they seemed to know where they were going. But now it’s autumn, and they don’t appear to have any purpose.

MADISON
Right. They should stop playing video games, get off the sofa and find jobs.

DEBORAH
I mean, in the spring they build nests. Lay eggs.

MADISON
You’re upset that in the fall they’re not horny trying to hook up and make little baby birds?

DEBORAH
It gives them purpose.

MADISON
I like the male birds who do little dances and stuff to try and attract a mate. Human dudes do that, too. But instead of flashing colorful tail feathers, they drive up in an expensive sports car and flash a Gold Card. It’s ensuring survival of the richest.

DEBORAH
Look at those flocks on the peninsula — restless, uneasy, wheeling, circling, coming to rest and then flying again. The land birds and the gulls down there in the bay. There’s a restlessness. They’re more restless this year than usual, it seems to me.

MADISON
Ya know, this morning, two seagulls totally dive bombed me. Reminded me of the seagulls at the Santa Monica Pier. Those bastards have no fear. They will take a French fry outta your hand and your finger along with it.

DEBORAH
Jill said yesterday when the school bus let her off, there was quite a few of them overhead, as if they’d been following.

MADISON
Once I was followed by a Canadian goose. I made eye contact and it started chasing me! I figured out why Canadian geese are so mean. Because we took their leader, Canadian Ryan Gosling.

DEBORAH
I suppose if the birds are restless, it means a hard, lonely winter. They always seem to know. Perhaps a message comes to them in autumn — a warning. About death.

MADISON
O-kay. Birds and death. Great lunch topic. Goes really well with the chicken salad.

DEBORAH
It’s nature, Madison. Many of the birds will die, and I think they know it. Perhaps they feel they have to spill their motion out before they die. Like people who know their time is up and run about stupidly.

MADISON
Uh-huh… All work and no play make Debbie go cray-cray?

DEBORAH
Oh, I’m sorry, Madison. But it’s come over me lately as I’ve watched them — the land birds mingling with the sea birds in a sort of strange, unnatural partnership. Land and sea. Life and death.

MADISON
Cray and zee.

SCENE TWO

EDWARD
That night, it turned colder and the wind strengthened. It was December third, and it seemed like in only a matter of hours, autumn had been replaced by winter. Around two in the morning, the sound of the wind beating against the house awakened Madison.

MADISON
Am I seriously awake because of wind? Unless this house is halfway to Oz, I’m goin’ back to sleep.

EDWARD
And then she heard it. A tapping on the window. Could it be a loose shutter? A tree branch, perhaps? No. It was too strong. Too deliberate. So she climbed out of bed.

MADISON
If one of those stupid kids rigged something up to try and scare me, they’re gonna have to try harder. I had my little sister believing an evil troll lived in her closet. I put an old cellphone in her room and would play slow scratching noises all night long. Even in college she still slept with the lights on.

EDWARD
Madison reached the window and opened it… Suddenly, something brushed against her hand and jabbed at her knuckles!

MADISON
Ah! Ow! Come for the French fries, huh?! Try it with a broken beak!

EDWARD
Then it was gone — over the roof and behind the cottage.

DEBORAH
Madison! Be quiet! The children need their rest!

MADISON
Sure, don’t mind me. I’m just in here getting attacked by a bird.

DEBORAH
A bird?

MADISON
Yeah. Look at my hand. The damn thing drew blood!

DEBORAH
Well, don’t get it on the carpeting!

MADISON
Your empathy has no bounds.

DEBORAH
I don’t know why you’d open a window in the middle of a wind storm.

MADISON
The bird was pecking at the window!

DEBORAH
Have you gotten into my husband’s Scotch again?

MADISON
That is irrelevant to the situation.

DEBORAH
Just be more quiet so you don’t disturb the children.

MADISON
It’s ba-aack… and I think it brought friends.

DEBORAH
That’s just the wind rattling the window. See if you can’t fix it.

MADISON
It’s not the wind! It’s a bunch of birds trying to get in.

DEBORAH
Well, send them away. I can’t sleep with that noise.

MADISON
Send them away? “Do pardon me, birds, but the mistress has requested you leave the premises at once!” Golly, whyever did her husband send her to live in the boonies and then never come to visit? Unsolved Mysteries. Okay. Let’s send you guys away. Get outta here, ya dang birds! Or I’ll introduce you to a jet turbine! Ah!!! Not the face! I’m a makeup influencer! I need to stay pretty for ad revenue! Ah!!

DEBORAH
Madison! Whatever in the world are you doing in here?!

MADISON
Didn’t you see that? There were a bunch of them this time! They tried to peck my eyes! And I don’t think I can get replacement contacts in the 1950s.

DEBORAH
Just how much of that Scotch did you drink?

MADISON
Barely any! There wasn’t much left.

JILL
Mummy!

DEBORAH
Now see what you’ve done?! You’ve woken up Jill.

JILL
Mummy!
DEBORAH
Well?

MADISON
Well, what?

DEBORAH
Go see what’s the matter!

MADISON
She’s calling for you.

DEBORAH
Yes, but I pay you.

MADISON
Can I at least see to my wounds first?

JILL
Mummy!!!!

DEBORAH
No.

MADISON
Coming, Jill! This kind of parenting is exactly the reason I only bonded with my nanny, my teachers, and that weird old guy who lived on our block and gave us candy. The room’s filled with angry birds! Ahh! Stop it! I am not a green pig!

JILL
Madison! They keep flying at me! Ah!!! Get away!

MADISON
Where’s your brother?

JILL
Under the blanket!

MADISON
C’mon, Johnnie, we gotta get outta here!

JOHNNIE
No!

JILL
He’s afraid of the birds!

MADISON
Come on, Johnnie! Get outta that blanket!

JOHNNIE
You said the blanket would protect me from monsters!

MADISON
You’re gonna throw that lie back in my face now?!

JILL
You lied?

MADISON
Yes! I lie to children to shut them up! Now move it or Santa will never visit you ever again!

JOHNNIE
Not Father Christmas!

MADISON
Let’s go!

EDWARD
Madison pushed the children out of the room and was alone with the birds. She seized a blanket and used it as a weapon, sweeping it right and left.

MADISON
Olé, you songbirds from Hell!

EDWARD
The birds kept coming at her, their bodies smacking into the blanket. They jabbed at her hands and her head, trying for her eyes with beaks as sharp as pointed forks!

MADISON
Not the face!!

EDWARD
She tossed the blanket around her head, flailing blindly at the birds. Time beat to the rhythm of the flapping wings until it slowed and became still. Madison unwrapped the blanket from her face to find the floor littered with the tiny corpses of the birds — robins, finches, sparrows, larks. Some had lost feathers in the fight, others had blood — Madison’s blood — on their beaks.

MADISON
It’s like that zoo aviary all over again.

SCENE THREE

EDWARD
The fierce sea broke harshly in the morning daylight. But there was not a bird in sight. Not a sparrow chattered in the hedge; no early thrush or blackbird pecked on the grass for worms. There was no sound at all but the east wind and the sea.

DEBORAH
Madison? Madison? There you are. Did you sleep here in the children’s room? I had them in my bed with me all night. And Johnnie refused to let me cover him with a blanket because something you said about… monsters?

MADISON
Is it morning?

DEBORAH
On top of that, I had to make breakfast.

MADISON
Sorry. I must’ve slept through my alarm. What, with battling birds all night.

DEBORAH
You are a ghastly sight. Is that blood?

MADISON
Uh, yah. Do you not see the dead birds ankle deep on the floor?

DEBORAH
Ohhh. There’s so many of them.

MADISON
Like, fifty or so? I lost count when I passed out.

DEBORAH
It’s horrible. You can clean the room later. Jill needs to get ready for school.

MADISON
So, are you just doin’ the denial thing then? It’s okay, I’m used to it. When a coyote broke into our garage, my mom drove around with him in the backseat of her convertible all day telling people it was a skinny husky.

DEBORAH
I’m sure there’s nothing to this bird… thing. It must be the weather. The sudden change confused them. It has to be that.

MADISON
Okay, so next step is a diamond collar and a Gucci dog sweater.

JILL
The tea’s ready, Mummy.

DEBORAH
Oh, good.

JILL
Madison, are you all cut up from the birds?

DEBORAH
There are no birds, dear.

MADISON
Right. No birds. I was running with scissors and fell… twenty or thirty times.

JILL
Did… did you drive away the birds?

DEBORAH
There are no birds, dear.

JILL
So they’re all gone?

DEBORAH
I don’t want to hear anything more about birds! You’re giving mummy one of her headaches.

MADISON
Uh, yeah, Jill, they’re all gone. Just… maybe don’t go into your bedroom today.

JILL
I hope they won’t come again. Perhaps if we put breadcrumbs for them outside the window, they’ll eat that and fly away.

MADISON
Well, if you want to kill ’em, then give ’em breadcrumbs. Because when birds eat bread, it swells in their stomachs, making them feel full so they don’t eat. The bread has no nutritional value for them, so they slowly waste away and die.

JILL
Oh, no!

MADISON
And after what they did to me last night — grab me a loaf.

DEBORAH
Jill, you’d better hurry or you’ll be late for the school bus.

JILL
Okay, Mummy. I’ll go get my coat and books!

MADISON
Bus? She’s gonna go outside and wait for the bus? What about the birds out there?

DEBORAH
I told you I don’t want to hear any more about those birds!

MADISON
Okay, I get the attitude. Your husband’s not here and there’s some… “sexual frustration.” If you want, when I come back, you and I can–

DEBORAH
If you’re so worried about the birds, why don’t you walk Jill to the bus stop?

MADISON
That’s fine. It’s the 50s. You’re trained to deny and repress.

DEBORAH
But hurry back. Johnnie says he’s sick after what you did last night.

MADISON
What I did? Saved his life?

DEBORAH
From monsters you invented, apparently.

MADISON
I see what’s happening here. It’s the 50s and you’ve never been introduced to the big “O,” have you?

JILL
I’m ready to go, Mummy.

DEBORAH
Madison will walk with you.

MADISON
While I’m out, I could go into town and pick up some “Mummy’s-Little-Helper.”

DEBORAH
She’s going to be late for school.

MADISON
C’mon, Jill. Some women have to come to it on their own. Like I did one summer with my ten speed.

JILL
Is Mummy all right, Madison?

MADISON
Repeat that thing I’m always telling you.

JILL
“I is kind… I is smart… I is important… And eventually I’ll grow up, start dating a bad boy with more tattoos than brains, and Mummy won’t be able to do a damn thing about it.”

MADISON
Good girl.

SCENE FOUR

EDWARD
So Madison escorted little Jill and waited with her until the bus drove the child off to school. For all outward appearances, the morning seemed like any other. But the lack of birds anywhere on the horizon left an eerie stillness — like the sky just before it unleashes a terrible storm. It was on the walk back that Madison encountered Mrs. Trigg, the old woman who owned the farmland adjacent to the Hawkins family cottage.

MRS. TRIGG
Hallo, Miss Standish. Out early this morning, eh?

MADISON
Hey, Mrs. Trigg.

MRS. TRIGG
Or by that Scotch on your breath, perhaps you’re out late last evening?

MADISON
Speaking of alcoholics, were’s your husband?

MRS. TRIGG
Oh, somewheres about. But can you tell me where this cold is comin’ from? Russia? I’ve never seen such a change and it’s goin’ on, the wireless says. Somethin’ to do with the Arctic Circle.

MADISON
Do you know the average person talks about the weather forty-five hours a year. Forty-five hours that we give away to surface conversations with boring people.

MRS. TRIGG
Boring, eh? Somethin’ more interestin’ goin’ on that you feel worthy of conversation, then?

MADISON
Didn’t you guys get those crazy birds last night?

MRS. TRIGG
Crazy birds? Ah, you city folk. Ya hear one hootin’ owl up in the trees and ya think it’s comin’ for ya!

MADISON
It was not an owl. Owls are awesome. Ever since Hedwig took the Killing Curse meant for Harry — which not only showed her devotion to him but represented the loss of innocence and the direness of the war Harry was about to face–

MRS. TRIGG
Speakin’ of borin’ conversations — I have already told ya, just because I’m British, doesn’t mean I know this “Harry Potter” you keep talkin’ about!

MADISON
Yeah, but–

MRS. TRIGG
Or “Downton Abbey.”

MADISON
Anyway, last night a bunch of birds broke into our house and attacked.

MRS. TRIGG
Attacked ya? Now, Miss Standish!

MADISON
I’m serious! You can go see their little corpses all over the kids’ bedroom. It looks like Sylvester the Cat’s wet dream in there.

MRS. TRIGG
Was they foreign birds?

MADISON
What a strangely racist question to ask about birds.

MRS. TRIGG
I mean the birds we got ’round here aren’t known for attacking anybody.

MADISON
But a “foreign” bird can’t be trusted?

TRIGG
Morning, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Hey, Mr. Trigg.

MRS. TRIGG
Miss Standish has been tellin’ about birds last night.

TRIGG
Oh? Got into the Master’s Scotch again, did she?

MADISON
Says the guy who’s got a reserved stool at the local pub.

MRS. TRIGG
She says they attacked her.

TRIGG
Birds attacked? Never heard of a thing like that before. Hungry maybe. Lookin’ for food. Had that happen once with a neighbor’s heifer. Seems she’d wandered off and the next thing I knew she was in the middle of our parlor. Why, it was all I could do to chase her from the house!

MRS. TRIGG
No, dear, that was when you came back from the pub in the middle of my bridge game. You chased off poor Mrs. Turner. Woman was a bit large and that calf’s skin shawl she wore certainly didn’t do her any justice.

TRIGG
Well, Miss Standish, if you’re worried about birds, have you tried puttin’ out some crumbs?

MADISON
Only in self defense.

MRS. TRIGG
We’ll let ya know if we spot a sparrow with mischief in his eyes.

TRIGG
Or some crows gatherin’ for a murder! Ya know because a group of crows is called a, “murder!” Ain’t that right, love?

MRS. TRIGG
I never get tired of that joke!

MADISON
Yeah… you and everyone who shares those memes on social media. Okay, later.

MRS. TRIGG
Hmmm. Ordinary birds, she said.

TRIGG
Attacked her! Now, what does she take us for, coming ’round with a story like that? Attacked her! I think she reads too many of those books.

MRS. TRIGG
What “books” would those be, eh? The ones you keep under the mattress with pictures inside?

TRIGG
We could both go look at them books right now.

MRS. TRIGG
Before breakfast? Why, Mr. Trigg, you are a devilish one, aren’t cha?

SCENE FIVE

DEBORAH
How nice of you to decide to return. Did you know Johnnie went into the children’s bedroom to retrieve a toy, and I had to spend a better part of an hour picking feathers off of his pajamas?

MADISON
I’m gonna clean it up, Mummy-Dearest.

DEBORAH
What took you so long getting back?

MADISON
I ran into the Triggs. Didn’t you leave me any coffee? Do I have to be a nanny and a barista?

DEBORAH
The Triggs? Don’t tell me you brought up the… trouble from last night. That’s all I need is Mrs. Trigg gossiping to her bridge club.

MADISON
Don’t worry. They didn’t believe me. And they totes made fun of me behind my back. They didn’t think I could hear them, so I got an earful of old people kink. I wish those birds had pecked off my ears.

DEBORAH
Well, I’d be very happy if we had no more discussion of birds.

MADISON
Not a problem. I looked all around. No birds anywhere. It was kinda creepy. Reminds me of the time we went to Disneyland and it was totally empty.

DEBORAH
No birds? Where do you suppose they’ve gone?

MADISON
I don’t know about the birds, but apparently Disney was closed due to a measles outbreak. So we pulled a Wally World and got the security guard to take us on all the rides. We still visit Carlos on holidays.

DEBORAH
You say the Triggs didn’t have any trouble last night?

MADISON
Apparently not. They did that whole “bashing the city slickers” thing. Like it’s a badge of honor to live somewhere without art, culture, or… dentistry.

DEBORAH
Well, once you’ve cleaned up the children’s room, we can put all of this “birds” nonsense behind us.

MADISON
As soon as I’ve had my coffee.

JOHNNIE
Mummy! Look at my new puppet! I’m a birdie, tweet, tweet, tweet!

DEBORAH
Oh!!!

MADISON
How ’bout I clean up those dead birds… now?

JOHNNIE
Mummy! His wing fell off! Fix it!

SCENE SIX

EDWARD
Madison went upstairs to clean up the birds — and the blood.

MADISON
It looks clean to the naked eye, but Luminal is gonna light this room up like a Christmas tree. Which’ll save us on holiday decorations.

EDWARD
Per Deborah’s request, she took the sack full of dead birds down to the beach to bury them. The wind was bitter cold. Madison dug a pit in the sand with her heel and started to empty the sack into it, but the wind caught the birds and whirled them along the shore!

MADISON
It looks like my friend’s wedding when they released a flock of doves that’d been left in the van in ninety degree heat.

EDWARD
No matter, the tide would take them when it turned. Madison looked out at the crested breakers. It was then that she saw them. The gulls — out there, riding the seas — thousands — tens of thousands. They rose and fell in the trough of the sea, like a mighty fleet at anchor — waiting for the turn of the tide. Waiting.

MADISON
Somebody better call McDonald’s. We’re gonna need ten thousand large fries.

EDWARD
Madison started up the steep path home, almost running. Someone should know of this. Someone should be told. But who? And then, as she opened the front door, she saw Deborah beside the wireless, listening–

BBC ANNOUNCER
… destruction, damage and even attacking individuals. It is thought that the Arctic air stream is causing the birds to migrate south in immense numbers and that intense hunger may drive them to attack human beings. Householders are warned to see to their windows, doors and chimneys, and to take all precautions for the safety of their children. Further bulletins will be issued later.

DEBORAH
They’ve been repeating it every few minutes since you left.

MADISON
So, have you moved past denial with the birds then or what?

DEBORAH
Madison! You sound almost glad.

MADISON
I’m sorry, but you were gaslighting me and I’m not gonna let you do it. Just like I didn’t let that team of therapists do it at my intervention.

DEBORAH
Oh, I’m sorry, Madison! This thing has made me a little nervy, I guess.

MADISON
Okay, well, pull it together. For the sake of the children, or whatever.

DEBORAH
The wireless said the birds are… are hungry?

MADISON
For human blood.

DEBORAH
What are you doing?

MADISON
Your husband got anything we can use to board up the windows and doors?

DEBORAH
Do you think they could break in with the windows shut? The sparrows and robins and such? Why, how could they?

MADISON
Not the small birds. The gulls.

DEBORAH
The gulls?

MADISON
Debbie–

DEBORAH
Deborah.

MADISON
Debbie, have you ever been close enough to get a good look at a gull’s beak? There must be a hundred thousand of them out there — riding the sea — waiting.

DEBORAH
Waiting for what?

MADISON
Revenge.

DEBORAH
Revenge for what?

MADISON
They’ve got long memories, Debbie. Long memories.

DEBORAH
What are you talking about?

MADISON
I’ve said too much!

DEBORAH
She’s gotten into the Scotch again.

SCENE SEVEN
EDWARD
Madison worked upstairs boarding the bedroom windows.

MADISON
Ow!!

EDWARD
The best she could intoxicated. Deborah continued to listen to the wireless. At first, some of the bulletins had been light in tone, but as the day wore on, the concern in the announcer’s voice became more and more apparent. After she’d finished upstairs, Madison took the rest of the lumber downstairs and boarded up the lower floor windows.

DEBORAH
What they ought to do is call the army out and shoot the birds. That would soon scare them off.

MADISON
Ow!

DEBORAH
As citizens, we deserve to be protected.

MADISON
Well, if they’re foreign birds, maybe they’ll call the Marines.

DEBORAH
Are you finished boarding up the house?

MADISON
Yeah. I think I got everything.

JOHNNIE
Mummy! Mummy, it’s dark in here!

DEBORAH
Did you board Johnnie in the cupboard?

MADISON
It’s for his own good.

JOHNNIE
Mummy!

DEBORAH
Just take your nap, dear!

MADISON
So, Debbie, how are we for food?

DEBORAH
We’ve got whatever you bought in the larder.

MADISON
What I bought?

DEBORAH
You’re supposed to do the shopping.

MADISON
Right…

DEBORAH
You haven’t gone shopping, have you?

MADISON
How am I supposed to go grocery shopping? We don’t even have a car!

DEBORAH
You walk! And I suggest you go immediately.

MADISON
But look at the sky. It’s only three in the afternoon and it’s practically dark.

DEBORAH
What? Why, yes. The sky — it looks so… heavy.

MADISON
Look. The tide’s turned. The gulls–

DEBORAH
They’ve risen.

MADISON
Circling over the sea. Not a sound from them.

DEBORAH
Madison, you must go for Jill. Wait for her at the bus stop.

MADISON
The Hell I will! She’s your kid. You go get her!

DEBORAH
But you’re the nanny!

MADISON
Fran Drescher would never have put up with this!

SCENE EIGHT

EDWARD
Outside, Madison looked for a weapon, but all she could find was a garden hoe. Then she went to the top of the hill and waited. The surf was booming below when a dark mass rose behind the clay hills in the distance. It widened, divided, and spread — north — east — south — west. It was a vast cloud of birds, and it passed close by, heading inland, upcountry. As if they had no business with the people there on the peninsula. Rooks, crows, jackdaws, magpies — birds that usually preyed upon the smaller species flew as one and headed to town, bound on some other mission. Finally, the bus came. When Jill got off, Madison took her by the hand.

JILL
Madison, what’s the hoe for?

MADISON
Keeping daddies happy for money.

JILL
How does it do that?

MADISON
How does it… Oh! You mean the… uh, never mind, just… stop… dawdling.

JILL
Look, Madison. Look at the gulls. They’re flying in from the sea. They’re so quiet.

MADISON
Must go faster.

JILL
Where are they flying to?

MADISON
Must go faster.

JILL
The gulls — they’re — they’re circling.

MADISON
Must go faster!

JILL
Madison! Slow down! I can’t keep up!

MADISON
You either move those little legs of yours or I’m leaving you behind!

JILL
It looks like the gulls are waiting for something.

MADISON
Yeah, for a signal. From the mothership. They’ve been counting down. Checkmate.

JILL
What?

MADISON
I just wedged in two Jeff Goldblum references in one scene. Now let’s move it!

JILL
Wait! Isn’t that Mr. Trigg’s car?

TRIGG
Well, looks as though we’re in for some fun, eh, Miss Standish?

MADISON
I really don’t want to hear what you and Mrs. Trigg do behind closed doors.

TRIGG
What? Haven’t you heard the news? Everyone’s gone bird crazy, talking of nothing else. I’m going to take a crack at them with my gun.

MADISON
Oh, good, the solution to our problems. An army of gun nuts shooting into the sky.

TRIGG
Say, little one, you look out of breath.

JILL
Madison’s been making me run.

MADISON
We have to get home, like, now.

TRIGG
Well, how about I take Jill home in my car?

JILL
Yes, please!

TRIGG
It’s a two seater. Only room for one passenger, I’m afraid.

MADISON
Oh. Well, Jill, you know your way home, don’t you?

JILL
What?!

MADISON
Fine, go. But I will never understand why the leads in these stories always sacrifice themselves to “save the children.” I hate kids!

TRIGG
Aren’t you their nanny?

MADISON
Okay, I like getting paid more than I hate kids.

TRIGG
Well, it’s all a lot of nonsense, this bird talk.

MADISON
Have you boarded your windows?

TRIGG
Noooo! They like to scare you on the wireless.

MADISON
As the lead, I am giving you the official warning that can save your life. Of course you’re going to ignore it. And then later on the audience is gonna be like, “He should’ve listened to her.”

TRIGG
Oh, go on!

MADISON
Proving my point.

TRIGG
See you in the morning. I’ll give you a gull for breakfast!

MADISON
Be afraid. Be very afraid. Ha! Three Jeff Goldblum movie references!

EDWARD
Madison watched Mr. Trigg drive Jill toward the cottage, and then followed on foot. The sound made her look up. The gulls were approaching. The order had been given. The black-backed gulls were leading and there were bigger birds — gannets, terns. And suddenly one of them dove–

MADISON
Ah! Ha! Ya missed me! Missed again!Strike three! You’re out!

EDWARD
And then came the others — six, seven — a dozen!

MADISON
Ahhh! They’re rushing the mound!!

EDWARD
Madison dropped the hoe, covered her head with her arms and ran toward the cottage. The birds kept coming at her from the air with beating wings. Each stab of a swooping beak tore at her flesh.

MADISON
Not the flesh!

EDWARD
Now their aim got better — closer to her eyes — closer. And then she reached the door of the cottage.

MADISON
Let me in! It’s Madison! Let me in!

EDWARD
There, above her, she saw the gannet, poised against the sky for its dive. The gulls drew back. Only the huge gannet remained. Its crown of yellow feathers framed its head like a halo, but its cold stare was that of a demon. Suddenly, the wings folded to its body — and it dropped at her like a stone! Finally — the door opened!

DEBORAH
Madison?

MADISON
Outta the way, woman!

DEBORAH
Good Lord! What was that?!

MADISON
I think the avian flu got Big Bird!

DEBORAH
“Big Bird?”

MADISON
Someone needs to tell him how to get — how to get to Sesame Street!

SCENE NINE

DEBORAH
Better now?

MADISON
Yes, thanks. Where’d you get the Scotch? I thought we were out.

DEBORAH
I had a hidden stash. Mummy’s Little Helper.

MADISON
Debbie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

DEBORAH
The children are in the other room. I didn’t want them to see you this way.

MADISON
Drunk?

DEBORAH
No. That seems unavoidable. I mean bleeding from the bird attack.

MADISON
Wait–! Listen.

DEBORAH
That sound. What is it?

MADISON
The birds. They’re crowding against the outside of the house. They’re trying to find a way in. Like ugly girls trying to get into a popular nightclub.

DEBORAH
Do you think they’ll get in?

MADISON
I don’t know. I was never outside the club long enough to see what happened.

DEBORAH
I mean the birds!

MADISON
I boarded up all the windows and doors.

DEBORAH
But will that hold?

MADISON
I don’t know! Do I look like Bob Vila? I’m more like the Property Brothers. Because I’m hot and you wish there were two of me.

DEBORAH
They must hold! They simply must!

MADISON
Maybe everyone should sleep here in the kitchen tonight. It’s got the brick features and all that.

DEBORAH
Will you bring down the mattresses?

MADISON
Oh, yah. I’m drunk and my hands look like I reached into a garbage disposal to get a lost earring. Which I don’t recommend doing.

DEBORAH
But sleep on the floor?

MADISON
I’ve slept on kitchen floors before. It’s part of my past work experience. You should’ve seen it on my resume.

DEBORAH
I can’t stand listening to those birds. I’ll turn on the wireless. That’ll drown them out. There, that’s better. Anything, so I can’t hear that horrible racket.

MADISON
As long as they don’t play “Free Bird.”

DEBORAH
It’s the food that worries me, Madison. You never made it to the shops.

MADISON
Hang on, idea. I noticed that the birds come in with the tide. But the tide’ll go out about, what? Nine tonight?

DEBORAH
So there should be a lull of about six hours.

MADISON
Yeah. And I could run over to the Trigg’s place and see if they’ll gimme something for us to eat. I’ll say it’s for the kids. No one wants to be the one who says no to starving children.

BBC ANNOUNCER
This is Radio London. A national emergency was proclaimed at four o’clock this afternoon.

DEBORAH
Madison!

MADISON
It might not be bird related. Maybe it’s another German blitz.

BBC ANNOUNCER
Measures are being taken to safeguard the lives and property of the population, but it must be understood that these are not easy to effect immediately, due to the unforeseen and unparalleled nature of the present crisis.

MADISON
Is it birds?! Be specific!

BBC ANNOUNCER
It is absolutely imperative that everyone remain indoors until further notice. The birds, in vast numbers, are attacking everything in sight. The population is asked to remain calm and not to panic. There will be no further transmission from any broadcasting station until seven A.M. tomorrow.

DEBORAH
It is birds! It’s like this all over, then. What should we do?

MADISON
Let’s get those mattresses and just try to get some sleep here in the kitchen.

DEBORAH
You’re not worried?

MADISON
Hey. To everything, turn, turn, turn.

SCENE TEN

DEBORAH
Madison? Wake up!

MADISON
Hm? What? You told me your girlfriend was away for the weekend.

DEBORAH
Madison, they’re back again.

MADISON
She’s early. Tell her she can sleep on the sofa.

DEBORAH
Wake up! It’s a little after three. The tide’s come in again. The birds are back!

MADISON
Ew. What’s that smell? Are you cooking?

DEBORAH
No, I’m not cooking! It’s three in the morning!

MADISON
Are those kids playing with matches? I told them I’d take the matches away if they started burning things again.

DEBORAH
It’s a queer smell. Rather like burned feathers.

MADISON
Burned feathers? The chimney! Did you open the damper?

DEBORAH
Well, of course I did. I was burning a fire to keep us warm.

MADISON
But the fire’s died out! They’re coming down the chimney!

DEBORAH
There they are, squeezing through the chimney!

JILL
Get out of here you bastards! I’ll burn you up! I’ll fry you!

MADISON
Flame on, Human Torch.

DEBORAH
Jill! Where did you get that oil?

JILL
From Johnnie. He found it in the cupboard.

MADISON
Well, keep it comin’! Get me paper, wood, anything that’ll burn! Hurry!

JILL
Shall I get you Johnnie to burn?

MADISON
Okay, demon child, let’s deal with one horror film at time here.

EDWARD
The birds charred bodies kept dropping down the chimney. Madison raked them to one side, but more came. They piled papers on it — kindling — anything they could find. Jill threw on the rest of the oil — and liked it. The flames roared higher. More bodies. The stench was unbearable. They kept at it. Finally, the birds gave up. Deborah went over to the basin, she was sick. Jill sat down exhausted, mesmerized by the carcasses before her. And Madison…

MADISON
The sky is falling… chicken bitches.

SCENE ELEVEN

EDWARD
Around nine in the morning, the rustling ceased. Madison opened the door a crack. Crushed birds were deep about the house. There was not a living bird in sight. The tide had gone out. Now was her chance to get food and fuel. She ran all the way to the farm.

MADISON
Uck. All these bird guts are going to ruin my shoes!

EDWARD
Umm… Madison walked briskly to the farm.

MADISON
Ah, dammit! Well, that’s what I get for wearing suede.

EDWARD
Madison eventually made it to the farm. There was no smoke from the chimney. She came ’round the corner of the house — and stopped. In the doorway, covered with dead birds, were Mr. and Mrs. Trigg — what was left of them.

MADISON
Okay, audience, say it with me. “I told you so!” Dude! Mr. Trigg’s car. I can get outta here! Gotta find the keys. Well, if TV and movies have taught me anything, when the lead urgently needs keys to a strangers car, the keys are always hidden in the sun visor! Or… a there’s map. Well, looks like I’m hot wiring the car. Which the leads also always know how to do. OMG, there are so many wires under here.

EDWARD
Hours passed. Soon the tide would be coming in.

MADISON
Hey! Don’t hurry the plot along! I’m trying to hot wire the car!

EDWARD
It was then that Madison noticed the keys had been in the ignition all along.

MADISON
They wha–?! Oh. Thank you.

EDWARD
Madison loaded the two-seater with all the food she could find. Although her insistence on taking only gluten free items severely limited her choices. Then she started driving. She would go anywhere. Anywhere that wasn’t here. But suddenly — a woman ran out in front of her car!

DEBORAH
Madison!

MADISON
Girl! What are you doing in the middle of the road?!

DEBORAH
That’s the Trigg’s car. Are they–?

MADISON
Dead.

DEBORAH
Then… we’re all alone.
MADISON
Correction, you’re all alone. I’m outta here.

DEBORAH
What?! You’re leaving?!

MADISON
Consider this my two minute notice.

DEBORAH
But what about me? The children?

MADISON
Good luck!

DEBORAH
The gulls! Please! Take us with you!

MADISON
The car is only a two seater.

DEBORAH
Then take the children. They can share the seat.

MADISON
I dunno. With seatbelt laws and everything…

DEBORAH
You’re out of petrol! Hurry! Into the house!

MADISON
Ahhhh!!!!

EDWARD
Madison, Deborah and Jill huddled by the fire and listened to the rustle as the birds crowded against the house. But this time there was a new sound. They’d brought up their heavier forces, the birds with larger beaks. The sound of tiny bits of wood being torn away filled the room.

DEBORAH
They’ll stay till the tide turns. Then they’ll leave. Then they’ll come back again. And they’ll keep coming back.

JILL
Mummy?

MADISON
Mummy is gone, Jill. Say, where’s your brother?

JILL
He is also gone.

MADISON
Ohhh-kay. I’m… just gonna move over to the sofa.

EDWARD
Madison listened to the sound of the splintering wood and wondered how many million years of memory was stored in those little brains — behind the stabbing beaks, the piercing eyes — now giving them this instinct to destroy mankind with all the deft precision of machines. She switched on the wireless. It was dead. She reached for the bottle of Scotch. There was one swig left. She downed it and threw the empty bottle into the fire…and watched it burn.

MADISON
Uh… I’m the lead here. Shouldn’t I be… escaping? Didn’t they escape in the Hitchcock movie?

EDWARD
But this adaptation is based on the short story, not the Hitchcock film. And not everyone on this series… escapes!

EPILOGUE
EDWARD
“Escape” was an anthology series which ran on CBS from July, 1947 to September, 1954. It was a spinoff from the series, “Suspense,” but unlike other similar anthology series, “Escape” spent most of its seven year run without a sponsor, which lead to it having a lower budget and frequently shifting time slots. The voice of “Escape” was William Conrad, a well known performer across the Golden Age of Radio. The episodes consisted of both original and adapted stories which would include science fiction, horror and murder mystery. Stories usually featured a protagonist in a dire life-and-death situation.

MADISON
Okay! But did they escape?!

EDWARD
What do you think?

MADISON
Yes?