MADISON ON THE AIR: THE BLUE BEETLE “THE SEA SERPENT”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: AUGUST 2025

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Sweeping down upon the underworld to smash ganglands comes the friend of the unfortunate, enemy of criminals, a mysterious all powerful character! A problem to the police — but a crusader of law — in reality, Madison Standish, a rookie patrolwoman, loved by everyone, but suspected by none of being… The Pink Beetle!

MADISON
Suspected by none, right? All these episodes and you had no idea I was a superhero.

NARRATOR
As the Pink Beetle, Madison hides behind the strange mask in a suit of impenetrable pink chain armor — flexible as silk, but stronger than steel!

MADISON
And I look smokin’ hot in it.

NARRATOR
Today’s episode of the Pink Beetle is entitled, “The Sea Serpent.”

Rumors have reached the city that a sea serpent has been ravaging the nearby coast. Already several bodies have been washed ashore. Each of them has bore the mark of a serpent’s fangs. What is behind these rumors? Are they true? As our story opens, Dr. Franz is listening to the radio while dusting the shelves of his little apothecary shop and awaiting the usual morning call of his young friend, patrolwoman Madison Standish, who, in secret, is really The Pink Beetle.

MADISON
You’re not buying it? Okay, fine. Come along and listen, then. I’ll prove it! Morning, Doc.

DR. FRANZ
Oh, hello, Madison.

MADISON
Hey, you don’t usually play music in here. Are you streaming Spotify? O.M.G., I have an ah-mazing playlist. It’s all Taylor Swift, but I take you on a personal journey through her eras based on my favorite shades of eye shadow.

DR. FRANZ
No, Madison, that’s just the radio. I merely thought I’d like to have a little music once in the while. The customers also like to get the baseball scores and the news.

MADISON
The news? Is this an apothecary shop or a CVS?

DR. FRANZ
I’ve told you before, an apothecary shop is not an occult bookstore.

MADISON
Yeah, no, because every drug store has a lab in the back for the pharmacist to do experiments.

DR. FRANZ
Regardless, I–

MADISON
That’s why it takes them so long to fill prescriptions. They aren’t just counting out a coupla pills into a bottle. They gotta wait for demon spirits to be summoned.

DR. FRANZ
You know, you don’t have to keep coming to my apothecary shop. I’m sure there are plenty of other places you could frequent.

MADISON
Not until they invent Sephora.

DR. FRANZ
Perhaps there are other people with whom you could occupy your time?

MADISON
Face it, Doc. You’re the only person who knows my true identity. Do you know how hard it is to find someone who will let you be your authentic self?

DR. FRANZ
Lucky me.

MADISON
We got a real Marty McFly/Doc Brown thing goin’ here. Has anyone actually examined their relationship? I mean, a teenager hanging out with some old dude? Is Marty seeking a father-figure? And if he is, will his changing the past and making his dad cool ultimately unravel his relationship with Doc?

DR. FRANZ
Again, I have no idea who this “Doc Brown” is.

MADISON
Right. Because this is 1940 and he won’t be in full swing until 1955. O.M.G.! “Back to the Future’s” past is your future!

DR. FRANZ
Yes, uh… Say, I was going to ask– What do you think about this sea serpent scare?

MADISON
Did one of your experiments escape the lab?

DR. FRANZ
My, word, no! It’s been all over the news. Sitings of a beast off the coast of Breaker City.

MADISON
A “sea serpent?” What, like the Loch Ness monster or “Let loose the Kraken!”

DR. FRANZ
Hard to say. The term “sea serpent” has mostly been associated with huge dragon-like creatures, but as a matter of scientific fact, a serpent can be any size.

MADISON
Scientific, of course, being in air quotes.

DR. FRANZ
I’m merely repeating what I’ve heard. According to reports, the bodies of bathers who were bitten showed signs of having been poisoned.

MADISON
Poisoned in their own bath?

DR. FRANZ
Bath? No. They were in the sea.

MADISON
The bathers were in the sea?

DR. FRANZ
Yes. The bathers were bathing in the sea.

MADISON
They were taking a bath in the sea?

DR. FRANZ
No! They were bathing!

MADISON
In the sea?!

DR. FRANZ
Yes!

MADISON
In their birthday suits?

DR. FRANZ
No! In their bathing suits!

MADISON
They were taking a bath in their bathing suits?

DR. FRANZ
No! They were bathing in their bathing suits!

MADISON
In the sea?

RADIO
We interrupt our regular program to bring you a special news bulletin.

DR. FRANZ
Oh, thank, God.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Breaker City. The body of another bather was brought ashore by lifeguards this afternoon. The bather, a man about 50, showed signs of distress while swimming approximately 300 feet off shore. His cries for help were immediately answered by lifeguards who rushed to his rescue. However, when brought to shore, he failed to respond to efforts of respiration and died on his way to the hospital. Doctors who examined the man reported finding marks upon the man’s leg resembling snake bites. They contend that the man did not drown, but died from the effects of poison. Late news dispatches will be given over this station as received. We continue now with our regularly scheduled program.

DR. FRANZ
Snake poison?

MADISON
Venom.

DR. FRANZ
What?

MADISON
Venom is injected into you. Poison is something you swallow. So unless the dude was swapping spit with the sea serpent, it was venom.

DR. FRANZ
Well, what are you going to do about it?

MADISON
Since when are sea serpents my problem?

DR. FRANZ
You are the Pink Beetle.

MADISON
Hey! My philosophy is, if you go into the woods and are attacked by a bear, it’s his home, you deserve it. Same with the ocean. If you don’t want sharks bitin’ off your leg, stay on the beach.

DR. FRANZ
You aren’t in the least bit curious to find out more about this mysterious sea serpent? Even as a patrolwoman?

MADISON
I’m like, a rookie beat cop. My territory doesn’t extend beyond the city limits. I don’t even have jurisdiction on the North side. Which sucks because they got the best cannolis up there.

DR. FRANZ
With your stellar reputation, you could ask the commissioner to let you and your partner, Officer Mannigan, take a run over to Breaker City and see what you can uncover.

MADISON
Hmm… trip to the beach on the clock?

DR. FRANZ
The sea air will do you good.

MADISON
Okay, you talked me into it!

DR. FRANZ
Are you wearing the poison detector ring I gave you?

MADISON
Can I trade it in for a venom detector ring?

DR. FRANZ
Let’s just say they’re the same thing, shall we?

MADISON
So this kids’ show has zero educational value, then, huh?

DR. FRANZ
Remember, the stone on the ring turns from green to yellow in the presence of poison.

MADISON
Like a mood ring? Hey! The mood ring just turned blue! That means I’m relaxed, calm and at peace.

DR. FRANZ
Actually, that’s probably from the lead pipes in my laboratory. Might want to give it a good scrub before you wear it.

SCENE TWO
MIKE MANNIGAN
Well, it sure is dark drivin’ through these pine woods. And the rain don’t make drivin’ any easier.

MADISON
Don’t worry. It’s 1940. This whole area will become suburban sprawl once the war ends.

MIKE MANNIGAN
War? What war?

MADISON
Eh… don’t make any travel plans to Hawaii next December.

MIKE MANNIGAN
You know, it seems kinda strange to be working on a case in civvies. They don’t feel right, somehow. I guess I miss the feel of the shine on me police badge!

MADISON
I miss the weight of my police issue Colt revolver which is much less regulated in 1940.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Well, that goes without sayin’. Hey, now, there’s a light ahead.

MADISON
Do you think it’s a Stucky’s? I could totes go for some pecans.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Nah, it must be a lake house. Maybe they can put us up for the night. We can drive over to Breaker City in the morning.

MADISON
Separate rooms, though. An unmarried man and woman should never share a room together.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Oh, well, of course.

MADISON
I don’t want to tolerate the gross sleeping habits of a guy I’m not even hookin’ up with.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Uh…. yes. I’ll pull in to the driveway so you can run in and see if they can take care of us.

MADISON
Oh, sure, I get to run out in the rain. Do I look like a water beetle to you?

MIKE MANNIGAN
Beetle?

MADISON
Oh, right. You don’t know my secret identity.

MIKE MANNIGAN
What’s this now?

MADISON
Never mind!

CLERK
Wet outside, isn’t it?

MADISON
Uh, yah. I could shake out here in the lobby like a dog just out of a bath.

CLERK
Having a pleasant evening?

MADISON
Yeah?

CLERK
Traveling far?

MADISON
No.

CLERK
Are you alone or with a companion?

MADISON
Companion.

CLERK
Been this way before?

MADISON
No.

CLERK
Took the train or drove?

MADISON
Hey, officer, how ’bout we end the interrogation and let me ask a question?

CLERK
All right, if you don’t care to partake in small talk, how might I help you?

MADISON
Ah-ha! You got in another question!

CLERK
I’m an inquisitive person.

MADISON
Okay, look, me and my friend decided to stop off for the night and stay here. You the guy who can make that happen?

CLERK
I am the owner of this hotel. In fact, I own several hotels around the lake here. But to answer your question. No.

MADISON
No?

CLERK
No.

MADISON
What is the “no” an answer to?

CLERK
Your question.

MADISON
My question? What did I ask? Wet, traveling far, alone or companion…

CLERK
We are all filled up.

MADISON
Oh! You don’t have any rooms available?

CLERK
We are all filled up.

MADISON
What’re you, Disneyland Resorts? There blackout dates I needed to know about?

CLERK
What can I say? We’re having the best season we’ve ever had.

MADISON
Really? Here in the middle of nowhere?

CLERK
Here at Pine Manor Lake, yes.

MADISON
Of course. Because why drive a few more miles up the road to the ocean when you can swim in a lake covered in slimy algae that smells like decaying fish?

CLERK
Better than facing a sea serpent. Haven’t you heard the news? The scare seems to be keeping people away from the seashore. But, one man’s misfortune is another man’s gain. We seem to be getting the business that usually goes to the seashore.

MADISON
Oh, so you’re Universal Studios Orlando getting the Disney World run off.

CLERK
I don’t care how it happened. I just care that all my rooms are full. You have a good night, now.

MADISON
That’s the first time I’ve been kicked out of a hotel without threat of police escort or a lifetime ban.

SCENE THREE

MIKE MANNIGAN
Say, Madison, I got me a swell room overlookin’ the ocean! And only four bucks for a double!

MADISON
Yeah, I know. They gave me the room next to you.

MIKE MANNIGAN
So, we’re neighbors then!

MADISON
Actually, no. We’re the only guests in the hotel. So I moved to the Bridal Suite.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Bridal Suite? All to yourself?

MADISON
Not for long, if I played my cards right with that bellboy.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Uh… Ya hungry? How ’bout a bite to eat before we turn in?

MADISON
Good idea. Load up on carbs before I start… burning calories.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Well, lookie here! A coffee shop. Let’s go in. After you.

MADISON
Thank-you.

WAITER
What’ll it be?

MADISON
Maybe I should wait until later and order room service.

WAITER
Room service is stopping here in about thirty minutes, when the bellboy goes off duty.

MADISON
Perfect.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Uh… well, I’m hungry. How about some java, a piece of apple pie — à la mode — and a slice of cheese.

WAITER
Right away.

MADISON
I’m sorry. Apple pie plus ice cream — yes. Apple pie plus cheese — an unholy union that should be banished into the very depths of Hell.

MIKE MANNIGAN
What about you tryin’ all the time to order “yogurt.” Oh, by all means, serve me up some milk firmed in bacteria.

MADISON
Fermented. And if you invest in it like I said, by the 70s you’ll be a millionaire.

MIKE MANNIGAN
If you’re meanin’ the 1970s, I’ll be in me 70s, and won’t be able to enjoy the millions anyway!

MADISON
You would if your diet included yogurt.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Say, look through that window out there on the boardwalk. Isn’t that Joan Mason of the Chronicle?

MADISON
Oh, yeah. Running this way. Aw, she’s gonna scuff those cute shoes.

MIKE MANNIGAN
I think she got a reason to be runnin’. Look! There be a man followin’ her! C’mon, Madison!

MADISON
But then I’ll scuff my cute shoes!

MIKE MANNIGAN
Hurry!

MADISON
Hey! Let go of her!

JOAN
Madison Standish!

MIKE MANNIGAN
Take your hands off that girl!

JOAN
And Officer Mannigan!

ED
Beat it you two, or I’ll crack ya!

MIKE MANNIGAN
You and who else? Drop that gun!

ED
Oh, yeah? Well, how do you like this?

MIKE MANNIGAN
Oh! After him, Madison! I can’t run! He got me in the leg!

JOAN
Is it bad?

MIKE MANNIGAN
No, just a flesh wound.

MADISON
The Black Knight always triumphs.

JOAN
What?

MIKE MANNIGAN
Get ‘im, Madison!

MADISON
I better stay here and look after you and Miss Mason.

MIKE MANNIGAN
No! You must stop him!

MADISON
Let me try that again. “I better stay here and look after you and Miss Mason” because he has a gun and I don’t! Remember?! Our guns are still in the car?

MIKE MANNIGAN
Oh, right.

MADISON
“Drop the gun” and you’re not even armed.

MIKE MANNIGAN
Well, in all the excitement, you know… got carried away…

JOAN
Well, anyway, I was never so glad to see anyone in my life as I am to see you two.

MADISON
You okay?

JOAN
Yes, but Officer Mannigan can’t even walk!

MIKE MANNIGAN
I’ll be all right if Madison will lend me a shoulder to lean on.

MADISON
I can’t hold up your dead weight!

JOAN
We gotta get him into the hotel and call a doctor.

MADISON
Hang on. You wait here with him. I’ll be right back.

JOAN
Where are you going?

MADISON
I know a particularly strong bellboy.

JOAN
Bellboy?

MIKE MANNIGAN
He provides… “room service.”

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
So, Joan, you say you talked with one of the lifeguards who made some of these rescues?

JOAN
Yes. I told him I was investigating the sea serpent story for the Chronicle.

MADISON
Refill?

JOAN
Uh, no.

MADISON
Ya sure? It’s the Bridal Suite, so it’s complimentary champagne.

JOAN
I’m fine, thank you.

MADISON
So, what’d the lifeguard say?

JOAN
He said that in each case, he’d seen something that looked like a serpent’s tail lash out of the water just before the victim cried for help.

MADISON
Anyone else seen it?

JOAN
Not any of the people I spoke to.

MADISON
Weird.

JOAN
Yes, isn’t it?

MADISON
Where’d the guy that was following you come from?

JOAN
From a restaurant on the boardwalk — Why are you turning off the lights?

MADISON
Mood lighting. So, the dude was in the restaurant?

JOAN
Uh, yes. He came in while I was eating and followed me when I left. It’s awfully dark in here now.

MADISON
I got candles. So, sea serpent scare. Practical joke?

JOAN
Doesn’t look like a joke to me. Mr. Down, the owner of this hotel, is ready to commit suicide. He’s losing thousands of dollars every day.

MADISON
Did you know that the reports of an epidemic of businessmen committing suicide during the 1929 Stock Market Crash has been proven false?

JOAN
Oh… is that so?

MADISON
The 2007-2009 Great Recession, though? Thousands of suicides. Capitalism. Am I right?

JOAN
Say… uh, what about Officer Mannigan?

MADISON
Eh, throw him on a train and ship him back to the city. Doctor said it wasn’t serious, but I’m not lugging his wounded butt through this whole investigation.

JOAN
Right… Uh, how about meeting me out on the pier tomorrow? They’re pulling in a fishing net at sunrise and they may catch a sea serpent.

MADISON
Eh… sunrise, though? Can’t we push it a little later? Because I might be busy until sunrise.

JOAN
Well, sunrise is when they’ll be pulling up the net.

MADISON
All right, I’ll be there. I bet someone can give a wake up call. Hello, someone.

BELLBOY
Good evening. I have your… room service.

MADISON
Joan, he has my room service.

JOAN
Your room service?

MADISON
Yes. My room service.

JOAN
Oh! Your… room service. Uh… see you tomorrow morning, then! Bye, now!

BELLBOY
Your room service is melting.

MADISON
Ohmahgod! My hot fudge sundaes. Put them by the bed.

SCENE FIVE

JOAN
We better hurry, Madison. They’re starting to haul in the net.

MADISON
I’m right behind you. Oh…

JOAN
Are you all right?

MADISON
Should’ve let him eat the second sundae off of me. But I love chocolate. Oh…

JOAN
Say, there’s Mr. Down. I want you to meet him. Morning, Mr. Down!

DOWN
Oh, hello, Miss Mason.

JOAN
This is Madison Standish.

MADISON
Hey, there. Oh…

DOWN
Are… you all right?

MADISON
This may be a case of death by chocolate. Or at least, indigestion by chocolate. Oh…

DOWN
Well, seems like both of us are feeling rather ill today.

JOAN
You seem down in the mouth.

DOWN
You’d be down in the mouth if everything you’d strived for is gradually slipping away from you.

JOAN
I understand you’re financially interested in Breaker City.

DOWN
I own the Sunset Hotel for one thing.

MADISON
You do? I must commend you for your bellboy staff.

DOWN
Er… thank you. Although I am close to laying them off.

MADISON
I did that last night.

DOWN
Pardon?

JOAN
This sea serpent business is making it tough for you?

DOWN
Tough is not the word.

MADISON
Well, don’t you worry. I’m on a special assignment from the New York City Police Department investigating this case.

DOWN
Oh, are you? Well, I certainly hope you can clear up this mystery. It’s costing us hotel and concession owners thousands of dollars a day to keep open. There’s no business except day excursionists.

MADISON
Right. Keep the beaches open! We depend on tourist dollars!

DOWN
Well… precisely. Yes. Suppose you and Miss Mason come with me. I want you to meet Professor Meredith. He’s an authority on fish and such things, and he’s in charge here.

MADISON
I’d like to meet him. After I vomit over here in these bushes. If you two will excuse me.

PROFESSOR
Alright boys! We can begin hauling in the net!

DOWN
Professor Meredith!

PROFESSOR
Oh, good morning, Mr. Down!

DOWN
I’d like to have you meet Miss Mason of the Chronicle, and– Miss Mason, where did Miss Standish go?

JOAN
Here she comes.

MADISON
I hate vomiting. That whole “am I gonna? No? Yes, I’m gonna!” But then you do and you feel so much better after, am I right?

DOWN
Uh, Miss Standish, I’d like to have you meet Professor Meredith.

MADISON
I’d shake your hand but I could use a wet towelette first.

PROFESSOR
I’m happy to meet you.

MADISON
These your guys pullin’ in the net?

PROFESSOR
Yes. The lifeguards offered to assist me.

MADISON
Who’s that dude over there? Tall one, dark hair, kinda floatin’ the Hasselhoff.

PROFESSOR
Oh, him? That’s Ed Nash.

JOAN
Madison! He’s the man who–

MADISON
Yeah, I know. Shut it!

PROFESSOR
I beg your pardon?

MADISON
That was not for your ears. Stop for a minute. Is the world revolving around you?

JOAN
Uh! How long will it be before you pull up the net?

PROFESSOR
They’re pulling it up now. In a moment we will discover if our haul contains the sea serpent.

DOWN
My business is counting on it!

PROFESSOR
Alright, men, bring the net over to the pier and keep the sides up. We don’t wanna lose any fish.

ED
Okay. Here she comes! I’ve got it!

DOWN
That’s quite a haul.

JOAN
Plenty of fish, Professor, and aren’t those sharks there?

MADISON
But that’s not our shark. Look at the bite radius.

DOWN
A whaaaaaat…?

JOAN
We aren’t looking for a shark. We’re looking for a sea serpent.

MADISON
Oh, come on! I’m the cop! From New York City? And the Professor, he’s the ocean-expert-guy!

DOWN
What are you talking about?

MADISON
Yeah, and you’re the mayor who wants keep the beaches open no matter how many Alex Kintners get chewed up. “You knew it was dangerous, but you let people go swimming anyway.”

JOAN
Madison…?

ED
No signs of the serpent, Professor! Just fish!

DOWN
What’s the use? I might as well admit we’re licked and close up!

MADISON
What? You can’t give up! You and the town gotta hire some crazy old drunk guy who’s spent his life killing sharks–

JOAN
Sea serpents.

MADISON
–Sea serpents to go out and hunt it down and — in a moment of irony — die by the very beast he seeks! The guy kinda had an accent. We can get Officer Mannigan for that part.

DOWN
Well, I’m going to see if it’s still there.

PROFESSOR
What are you going to do?

DOWN
I’m going to find out if these waters are safe for bathers!

JOAN
Mr. Down! You’re not thinking–

DOWN
Yes, I am! I’m going into that water. If the sea serpent is there and wants human flesh. He can have mine.

PROFESSOR
Madness!

DOWN
What have I got to lose? I have no family. Everything I have is invested in this beach. If I can bathe here, so can everybody else. I’m going to get it over with!

MADISON
The mayor is gonna throw himself into the shark infested water? This is totally off script.

PROFESSOR
Stop him!

JOAN
He’s gone crazy with worry! Madison, do something!

MADISON
Me? My “Jaws” character is afraid of water!

PROFESSOR
You, lifeguards! Grab him!

JOAN
Oh! There he goes right off the pier! Madison! Go after him!

MADISON
He made his own life choices.

PROFESSOR
The lifeguards will get him.

JOAN
Madison, we know one of those lifeguards.

MADISON
Aw, geez. All right.

JOAN
You can use that rowboat by the pier.

MADISON
Let’s hope the rowing machine at the gym is a transferrable skill.

JOAN
Look! One of the guards is calling for help.

PROFESSOR
Mr. Down is swimming away from the guards!

JOAN
He’s heading for Madison’s rowboat! Which she’s rowing in a circle.

PROFESSOR
She’s only using one oar!

JOAN
Mr. Down is trying to grab onto the side of the rowboat!

MADISON
You’re gonna tip over the boat!

PROFESSOR
Ah, there’s the other oar. She’s hitting him with it.

JOAN
One of the lifeguards just grabbed Mr. Down!

PROFESSOR
He’s trying to help Down into the boat!

JOAN
Grab the boat!

MADISON
No! Don’t grab the boat!

PROFESSOR
Madison just threw him a life preserver! No, wait, that was her shirt.

JOAN
The lifeguard let go of Mr. Down and now Mr. Down is sinking!

PROFESSOR
Both of the lifeguards have abandoned Down and are trying to retrieve Madison’s shirt!

JOAN
Mr. Down is gone! The serpent has got him! Oh, I know it!

NARRATOR
What is the slimy thing that lurks in the waters off of Breaker City? Is it really a sea serpent? Will Madison get her shirt back from the lifeguards? And if she does, can she solve this mystery, or will the Pink Beetle have to go into action?

MADISON
Okay, I get it. You came to hear a superhero story and here we are at the act break and you’re like, “Madison, you’re totes lying to us. You’re not a superhero. If anything, you’re just a lackluster cop who likes to screw bellboys.” I hear your criticisms. But this is a 1940’s kid’s show. They didn’t have quick flashy Saturday morning cartoons yet, okay? If little children can have patience, so can you!

PROMO FOR “CANARY P.I.”

SCENE SIX

NARRATOR
At the Breaker City Hospital, Madison Standish and Joan Mason are waiting outside one of the private rooms for Professor Meredith.

JOAN
How is he, Professor? Did the lifeguards get him out in time?

PROFESSOR
Mr. Down is dead.

JOAN
Dead! Was it too late after they fought over Madison’s shirt?

MADISON
I was trying to throw Mr. Down something to stay afloat. I figured the shoulder pads in my 1940’s blouse would keep him above water.

PROFESSOR
Mr. Down didn’t die from the effect of submersion. He died from the effect of a poisonous–

MADISON
Venomous.

PROFESSOR
— bite. There were two punctures on Mr. Down’s leg, like those left by the fangs of a fairly large serpent.

MADISON
I was in a rowboat right there and didn’t see any serpent in the water.

PROFESSOR
The lifeguards said you were shouting, “I’ll never let you go, Jack, but there’s no room for you on this door. Suck it.”

MADISON
She was right to do it, ya know. I wouldn’t sacrifice myself for a guy I only had a one night stand with. By those rules, I should be marrying the bellboy.

JOAN
What else did you learn about the serpent’s bite, Professor?

PROFESSOR
Well, Miss Mason, it’s strange how the effects of that serpent’s bite is exactly like the bite of a cobra. The reactions are identical.

JOAN
Could it be a water moccasin?

PROFESSOR
You don’t find water moccasins in the ocean, and their venom doesn’t work in the same way. It works on the blood. Cobra venom works on the nerve center, paralyzes the muscles, controlling the act of breathing.

MADISON
Professor Wikipedia Entry is right!

JOAN
There aren’t any cobras that live in the water, are there?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, they got super venomous sea snakes related to cobras. Not in the Atlantic, but, you guessed it: Australia. The part of the planet that is filled with “Keep Out” signs that humans completely ignore.

PROFESSOR
Well, I’m going back to the shore and pack up my things. Doesn’t seem like there’s much more to be done other than warning bathers to stay out of the water until this creature moves on.

JOAN
Is it really that hopeless, Professor?

PROFESSOR
The loss of human life just isn’t worth it.

JOAN
What are you going to do now, Madison? Is your investigation over, too?

MADISON
I’m gonna go back to the city to see Dr. Franz.

JOAN
Do you think he may be able to help?

MADISON
No clue. But that’s where I keep my Pink Beetle suit.

JOAN
What?

MADISON
What?

JOAN
So… when are you coming back?

MADISON
I’m not sure. I’m trying to avoid that bellboy. He’s gotten really clingy. He was still there in the morning. Like, okay… show’s over. Pack it up.

JOAN
Well, I think I’ll stay a while and see what else I can discover about this case for my newspaper.

MADISON
Okay. But if you see the bellboy, tell him my heart will go on. Fully without him.

SCENE SEVEN

DR. FRANZ
So you suspect the lifeguards are causing these deaths?

MADISON
Shah.

DR. FRANZ
What makes you so sure?

MADISON
When the lifeguards tried to put Mr. Down into the boat, your mood ring was bright yellow. Dang it! Where is it?

DR. FRANZ
Perhaps the poison it sensed was in Mr. Down’s body.

MADISON
Nah, ‘cuz after they took him away, it was still yellow.

DR. FRANZ
Something in the boat, then?

MADISON
Let’s just say, it was yellow the entire time I was with the blonde lifeguard.

DR. FRANZ
The entire…?

MADISON
I had to get my shirt back.

DR. FRANZ
What are you looking for?

MADISON
My Pink Beetle suit. I thought I left it here.

DR. FRANZ
Yes, you did. I keep it here locked in my safe. You might say for… “safe keeping.”

MADISON
Oh, look. My mood ring is black. Indicating anger.

DR. FRANZ
Sorry. I’d left the radio on and it was playing a lot of Jack Benny.

MADISON
I’m gonna go change into this in the bathroom.

DR. FRANZ
What about the man who tried to abduct Miss Mason and shot Mannigan? Didn’t you say he resembled one of the guards?

MADISON
Yeah, he was the other lifeguard. Not as cute.

DR. FRANZ
Does he know you recognized him?

MADISON
Nah, I don’t think so. Because the more I flirted with the blonde, the more he was gettin’ jealous.

DR. FRANZ
If he didn’t recognize you, this could be a way of getting evidence to convict him in this larger case, rather than a case of simple assault.

MADISON
“Simple assault?” He shot Mannigan in the leg.

DR. FRANZ
Oh, I’ll answer it. Turn that radio down, will you?

MADISON
Sure.

DR. FRANZ
Hello? … Madison Standish? Yes, she’s here. It’s for you, Madison. Long distance.

MADISON
“Long distance.” You old timey people are so cute. Like they’re calling me from the moon or something. Yello? Pink Beetle here.

DR. FRANZ
He asked for Madison Standish!

MADISON
But, I’m in the costume!

DR. FRANZ
He can’t see you!

MADISON
Gah! I’m so used to FaceTime! I mean… Madison Standish here. To whom am I speaking?… Oh, hi, Roger.

DR. FRANZ
Who’s Roger?

MADISON
Bellboy. Did, uh, Joan tell you where I was?… Oh, Professor Meredith asked you to call me. Why?… Joan disappeared?! … And she hasn’t checked out of the hotel? … You want me to come to Breaker City right away?… Stop repeating everything you’re saying?

DR. FRANZ
It is rather annoying.

MADISON
Sor-ree, but the connection sucks. Look, I can’t get back there myself, but I’ll make sure the commissioner sends someone else right away… No, I’m not trying to avoid you! Oh, no, a meteor is about to hit us! Gotta go!

DR. FRANZ
What’s the trouble, Madison?

MADISON
This bellboy is reaching stalker level.

DR. FRANZ
I meant with Joan Mason.

MADISON
Oh, uh, looks like someone kidnapped her. So I gotta head up there and save the day and all that.

DR. FRANZ
But you just said you weren’t going there.

MADISON
Right. Madison Standish isn’t, but the Pink Beetle is! Now, can I borrow your car keys?

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
Geez. Even without rain, this road to Breaker City is, like, pitch black. Any minute now and a deer is gonna jump out in front of the car. Which would be a change from the homeless people who do that in LA.

RANDY
Hey! Hey!

MADISON
Oh! A hitchhiker in the middle of the dark and secluded woods. Well, I should be safe in my super-suit, so, let’s see how this plays out. Need a ride?

RANDY
Oh, thanks, Ma’am! Gee, you goin’ to a masquerade in that costume?

MADISON
Uh… yeah. As the Pink Beetle.

RANDY
Pink Beetle? I’ve heard of the Blue Beetle.

MADISON
Oh, you’ve heard of the “Blue Beetle.” What do people say about the “Blue Beetle”?

RANDY
Hmmm, not a lot. Just that he’s a cop who’s dad was killed by a criminal, and that he has a suit of armor that’s bulletproof. No superpowers like Superman or anything.

MADISON
Well, not in 1940. But he’s got some cool inventions from his mad scientist doctor friend, tho, right?

RANDY
Yeah, he always manages to have some invention that’s convenient for the plot. Hey, that’s a cool ring.

MADISON
Shut up.

RANDY
So, where are you goin’?

MADISON
Oh… just for a drive, ya know.

RANDY
In that costume?

MADISON
It’s not polite to ask about people’s fetishes. Like, I haven’t said one thing about that giant stick you’re carrying.

RANDY
Oh, this? It’s for catchin’ snakes. Here, you see the fork end on it?

MADISON
Oh… kay. Well, that’s a hobby.

RANDY
Actually, I sell them.

MADISON
Sell them?

RANDY
Yeah.

MADISON
Who… buys them?

RANDY
Oh, a couple of fellas back there in the woods.

MADISON
Back there in the woods? Am I hearing dueling banjos?

RANDY
I don’t hear nothin’.

MADISON
Uh, what do those “fellas” do with the snakes? Eat ’em?

RANDY
Eat ’em? Folks, don’t eat rattlesnakes!

MADISON
So you catch rattlesnakes alive and sell them?

RANDY
Sure. Dead rattlers ain’t no good to them fellas.

MADISON
O.M.G. Did I just stumble across the illegal reptile trade? Aw, man. I don’t have time to bust their racket. I’m already dealing with a venomous sea serpent with fangs like… a… snake. Say… Cletus–

RANDY
Uh… My name’s Randy.

MADISON
Sure it is. Umm… if I gave you a dollar, do you think you could take me to those “fellas” you mentioned.

RANDY
Oh, sure I can, but you don’t have to pay me no dollar! I’ll take you there for nothin’.

MADISON
You’re a real businessman, there, Randy. Hang on!

RANDY
Geez, lady! I think you might be crazy!

MADISON
You discovered my superpower! Woo-hoo!

SCENE NINE

PROFESSOR
So, Miss Mason, it’s very unfortunate for you that you got as far as you did with your investigation. I am sure your newspaper will miss your valuable services.

JOAN
No, they won’t! Female reporters aren’t taken seriously. You know that!

PROFESSOR
You still might disclose the information you’ve discovered.

JOAN
If I do, who will listen to me? Housewives? Their husbands will laugh in their faces.

PROFESSOR
And these husbands might take their wives on a vacation. A vacation to the seashore, perhaps? Until they are detoured to Pine Manor Lake after your body is found floating in the ocean! A victim of a poisonous sea serpent!

JOAN
Venomous!

PROFESSOR
Poisonous, venomous! No one cares, Miss Mason!

JOAN
That’s because the sciences aren’t valued in schools!

PROFESSOR
Enough! Ed! Joe!

ED
Yeah, boss?

PROFESSOR
Wait, where’s Joe?

ED
Last I saw he was with some blonde dame down at the beach.

PROFESSOR
This is what I get for hiring lifeguards whose entire skill set is knowing how to tan evenly.

ED
Uh… did you need somethin’, Boss?

PROFESSOR
Yes. Suppose we leave Miss Mason alone with Raja there for a while. She thinks there’s not enough education available on poisonous snakes.

ED
Venomous.

PROFESSOR
Either one would still hurt! So, why don’t you introduce her to our six foot cobra. Open the cage!

JOAN
No. You can’t do that!

PROFESSOR
And just why not?

MADISON
Because cobras are cold-blooded and need a heat source! It’s essential for their metabolism, digestion, and overall health.

ED
The Pink Beetle!

MADISON
That’s my own personal sound effect. Yes! The Pink Beetle is going to nip harder than your cobra can strike!

JOAN
Nip?

MADISON
Yeah. You know with my little pinchers. Rowr, rowr, rowr.

PROFESSOR
But you forgot one thing, Pink Beetle!

MADISON
Yeah? What? Because I forget a lot of things!

PROFESSOR
That cobras eat beetles! Open the cage, Ed, then dive out the window! I’ve got the Pink Beetle covered with this gun.

MADISON
Save your bullets, you can’t injure the Pink Beetle with this chain armor! Which I assume is my Beetle exoskeleton?

ED
Oh, yeah? Well, how do you like this?

MADISON
Ah!

JOAN
Pink Beetle! Are you all right?

MADISON
He knocked me on my back! I can’t right myself! Ow. Very unpleasant.

PROFESSOR
How about this, Pink Beetle? A rattle snake around your neck!

MADISON
You’re throwing snakes now?!

JOAN
Pink Beetle! Get up!

MADISON
I’m workin’ on it, woman!

ED
The Pink Beetle is trapped with that rattlesnake! All she can do is spin on her back!

MADISON
Yeah! And like a rusty merry-go-round spinning out of control on a playground, tossing children off it, left and right, I toss the snake back to you!

PROFESSOR
Ah!!! Take it off! Take it off! His poison will kill me!

MADISON/JOAN/ED
Venom!

JOAN
Look out, Pink Beetle! Ed’s opening the King Cobra’s cage!

MADISON
I’ll paralyze him with my magic ray!

JOAN
You have a magic ray?

MADISON
Apparently!

ED
Ah!

MADISON
There, that’ll hold Ed for a while.

PROFESSOR
Help me! Please help me!

MADISON
All right. C’mere, snakey-snakey-snakey… There ya go. Back in your nice warm cage — with a dead mouse. Ew. Okay, circle of life.

PROFESSOR
I’m going to die! Get me to a hospital!

JOAN
The Pink Beetle should let you die the same agonizing death your victims have died!

MADISON
Oh, he’ll die, all right, Miss Mason. But not by venom.

PROFESSOR
But the snake bit me!

MADISON
More often than not, when a rattlesnake bites a human, they do what is called a “dry bite” where they use their fangs as a defense, but don’t actually utilize their venom.

JOAN
Why is that?

MADISON
Because using their venom is meant for creatures they wish to eat. Like that little mouse there. Ew! It twitched! The professor here is too big to be a meal. So he’ll survive long enough for the law to put him to death. Yay justice system.

JOAN
I’ve got to get back to the Chronicle and call in this scoop! And I know just the heading! “Sea serpent hoax exposed — murderous racket smashed by the Pink Beetle!”

MADISON
Now that’s some good click bait right there.

SCENE TEN

DR. FRANZ
So, Madison, how did the lifeguards operate? They couldn’t take the cobra or the rattlesnakes into the water with them.

MADISON
Yeah, no, okay, so they took the venom from the venom sacks of the snakes and put it into hypodermic needles taped together. They were small enough to hide in the palm of their hands.

DR. FRANZ
But when did they inject the poison–

MADISON
Venom! Have you learned nothing?

DR. FRANZ
Apologies. When did they inject the venom into their victims?

MADISON
When they went to rescue them. Duh. Seems pretty obvious.

DR. FRANZ
Ah, and the two syringes taped together would look like a serpent’s fangs!

MADISON
Yup. Have you seen my purse?

DR. FRANZ
Uh… Perhaps in the closet? But why did Professor Meredith, a man of science, do these horrific things?

MADISON
The professor was being paid by the hotel owners on Pine Manor Lake to ruin tourism at the ocean so people would go to the lake instead. Ah! Here’s my purse!

DR. FRANZ
And what of the lifeguards, trained to save lives!

MADISON
Money, money, money… money!

DR. FRANZ
Yes, I see.

MADISON
Okay, did I spell everything out to wrap this up? Anything else you’re not clear on?

DR. FRANZ
Are you in a hurry? Where are you rushing off to?

MADISON
Uh… well. I got a date. There he is! Do I look okay? Do I have helmet hair from the Pink Beetle mask?

DR. FRANZ
No, you… look fine.

MADISON
Fine? Just fine?

BELLBOY
Is anyone here?

DR. FRANZ
Who’s that?
MADISON
Uh… Roger. Be right out, Roger!

DR. FRANZ
Who’s Roger?

MADISON
The… uh… Bellboy.

DR. FRANZ
I thought you were trying to avoid him?

MADISON
Let’s just say I… had a craving for a hot fudge sundae.

DR. FRANZ
Well, before you go, I was going to ask… what happened to all of those snakes in Professor Meredith’s lab?

MADISON
Uh… no clue. Later!

RADIO ANNOUNCER
This just in. While the beaches reopen in Breaker City after the sea serpent rumors were debunked, another kind of serpent seems to be setting up shop at Pine Manor Lake! Hundreds of rattlesnakes have been spotted along its shores. Visitors are being barred from entry to the area as a rattlesnake sanctuary becomes established through an anonymous donor.

NARRATOR
And so another fiendish racket was smashed by the Pink Beetle! What will Madison Standish’s next assignment be? Where will the Pink Beetle strike next in his crusade against the underworld? These questions will be answered in the next episode of… The Pink Beetle!

MADISON
So what do you guys think? Should I be part of the DC Universe now or what?

EPILOGUE
MADISON
The Blue Beetle was created by Charles Nicholas and first appeared in Fox Features’ comic Mystery Men #1 in 1939. The popular character moved to syndicated newspapers and then landed his own radio show. Premiering in May of 1940 but only running until September of that same year. Part of the collection of lost superheroes, when Fox Features was sold in the mid-1950s, the original comics were rereleased. By the 1960s, new stories were being published. From there the Blue Beetle has gone through many owners and many resurrections and today is part of the DC library, including a 2023 film. The movie is a fun romp, give it a watch! If anything it shows that the Blue Beetle has not been forgotten!