MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL” – THE LUX RADIO THEATER

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APRIL 2026

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
“The Day the Earth Stood Still!”

NARRATOR
There is an ever-present question that has puzzled and intrigued our world for centuries. Is there life on any of the other planets? So in tonight’s play, we will tell you of a possible momentous event in our near future — the arrival on this planet of someone from outer space.It was a pleasant spring day. There’d been at least twenty such sparkling days that spring and perhaps a billion or more of them since the Earth began. This spring day, in the middle of the marvelous twentieth century, was different. It was the most different day that had ever happened to mankind…

NEWSCASTER
The ship, designed for travel outside the earth’s atmosphere, landed in Washington D.C. today at three forty-seven p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We still do not know where it came from. The ship is now resting exactly where it landed two hours ago. So far there is no sign of life from inside the ship. Behind the cordon of troops, tanks, and artillery is a huge crowd of curiosity seekers. Every eye, every weapon, is trained on the ship. The atmosphere is one of terrific tension rather than of fear. It’s been that way for– Just a minute, ladies and gentlemen! I think something’s happening! The spaceship is opening up! Someone is coming out!

OFFICER
Keep calm, everybody! Don’t get excited! Keep calm! Quiet!

NEWSCASTER
A wedge is opened in the smooth unbroken metal skin of the spaceship. A ramp slithers out on the grass. Against an eerie glow of unearthly light from inside the spaceship stands the Space…Woman?

MADISON
Hey, everybody! Yikes. Tough crowd. Uh… I come in peace. Umm… Take me to your leader?

OFFICER
I think she’s trying to communicate… but all I can hear are piercing, obnoxious sounds.

MADISON
Oh, wait! Actually, I have a speech I wrote down. One sec, one sec.

SOLDIER
She– she’s going for something in her tunic, sir!

OFFICER
Hold your position!

SOLDIER
It’s a ray gun or something! I’m gonna let her have it!

OFFICER
No! No! Wait!

MADISON
Ah! Geez! Sonova! Gah! Dang it!

OFFICER
You fool, she’s down! Hold back that crowd! Everybody! Back! Your wound doesn’t look too bad.

MADISON
Excuse me, G.I. Joe, if I’d rather have a doctor make that assessment!

OFFICER
She understands us.

MADISON
Duh. Now who’s the douche nozzle who shot me? I want him stripped of his rank. No, I want him stripped of his uniform right here, right now. I want him buck-naked in front of everybody!

OFFICER
I… I’m sorry, for him shooting you, but you shouldn’t have gone for that ray gun.

MADISON
Ray gun?! You just automatically assumed I was going for a gun. Who are you, LAPD?

OFFICER
Again, I’m sorry but– What… what is that?!

MADISON
Oh, that? That’s Gort.

OFFICER
It… looks like a…metal baby carriage?

MADISON
No! He’s a food delivery robot. Basically a cooler on wheels.

OFFICER
Food delivery? So it’s not a danger.

MADISON
Well, his A.I. has been reprogramed to be my protector. So, like, if I’m hurt, he attacks.

SOLDIER
Ah!

OFFICER
He zapped that soldier with a bolt of electricity!

MADISON
It was just in his butt.

SOLDIER
Ah! Ah!

MADISON
Oh, I could watch that all day. But seeing as I’ve been shot and starting to blackout a little, how ’bout some medical attention?

OFFICER
What about that soldier?

MADISON
When Gort thinks he’s learned his lesson, he’ll stop. So, hospital?

SOLDIER
Eee!

SCENE TWO

HARLEY
Good afternoon, Miss.

MADISON
Now, who are you? I’ve had every doctor, nurse, intern, candy striper and janitor in this place come in to gawk at me. I feel like I’m in a zoo. No wonder those pandas in captivity can’t make babies. Give us some privacy!

HARLEY
Well, um, my name is Harley, Secretary to the President.

MADISON
Which president?

HARLEY
The President of the United States.

MADISON
No, I mean which President of the United States? Is it one of the good ones?

HARLEY
I… think so.

MADISON
Are you saying that because you believe it, or if you don’t say it, you’ll be replaced by someone who’s only credentials are that they were a TV show host.

HARLEY
That would never happen.

MADISON
Oh… the mid-Twentieth Century is so adorbs.

HARLEY
The doctors here tell me your wound is not serious.

MADISON
Merely a flesh wound.

HARLEY
I’m sure I don’t have to point out that your arrival was something of a surprise. Naturally, we’re very curious to know where you come from.

MADISON
Let’s just say in the not-too-distant-future, in a galaxy far far away, from the Final Frontier.

HARLEY
So you’re from another planet?

MADISON
For this episode, let’s go with that.

HARLEY
What is the reason you’ve come here?

MADISON
Like I’m gonna tell you? You’re just some errand boy for the President.

HARLEY
Perhaps you’d rather discuss it personally with the President.

MADISON
O.M.G. Ego much? Why does the United States always think it’s the center of the universe?

HARLEY
Then who do you wish to speak with?

MADISON
Um, everybody. Like the representatives from all the nations of Earth.

HARLEY
In view of the tensions and suspicions in our world today, such a meeting would be… a little awkward.

MADISON
Awkward? This isn’t a wedding reception where you’re trying to figure out the seating arrangements! Oh, no! Who sat Israel next to Iran? What I have to say concerns the existence of every last creature who lives on this Earth. So suck it up!

HARLEY
Our problems are very complex. You mustn’t judge us too harshly.

MADISON
Are you, mansplaining to me? My little space girl brain can’t comprehend just how many stupid people are making stupid decisions on this stupid planet?!

HARLEY
The President will, of course, do his best to bring about the meeting you desire. I know it will be quite useless. I wish it were otherwise.

MADISON
Okay, okay, hang on. Before I make up my mind about how stupid you all are, I think I should like, mingle for a few days. Maybe get an idea for why you’re all so stupid.

HARLEY
Our military people insist that you do not attempt to leave the hospital.

MADISON
Oh, your “military people.” Like that Gomer Pyle who shot me?

HARLEY
I’m sorry, the decision has been made. This door will be locked. I’m sure you understand. Good day.

MADISON
“The door will be locked.” I freakin’ show up in a spaceship with a robot and they’re all like “this locked door will stop her!” Of course, if they had those key-card locks like they do in hotels, that might do it. You end up playing hotel roulette. Come on… green light! Come on… green light! Mama’s gotta pee, she’s been at the bar all night. Ah! Red!

SCENE THREE

NEWSCASTER
The authorities at Walter Reed Hospital still refuse to comment on how she managed to escape, except to say that she broke into a hospital locker and stole clothing belonging to a staff nurse. While the government does not minimize the crisis, it urges people all over the world to remain calm, and further advises that the facilities of all federal agencies are being brought to bear. We are warned, however, that this is no ordinary manhunt and we may be up against powers that are beyond our control or understanding, and that we–

MRS. CROCKETT
Calm, he says?! Just terrible. Oh, I just can’t stand any more of this.

HELEN
I wanted to hear more, Mrs. Crockett.

BOBBY
It’s exciting, isn’t it, Mother?

MRS. CROCKETT
Exciting, Bobby?! It’s enough to drive a person– Ohh! Who are you?

MADISON
‘Sup. I’m Madison. I, uh, saw your sign outside and the door wasn’t locked in any serious way. I’m looking for a room.

MRS. CROCKETT
Oh! Oh, yes, I do have a nice room– Is it “Miss” or “Mrs.” Madison?

MADISON
Just Madison.

BOBBY
You don’t have a first name?

MADISON
I don’t have a prefix that signifies whether or not I’m attached to a man.

BOBBY
Does that mean you’re like a spy or something? Did you come here to catch that spacewoman?

HELEN
I think we’ve all been hearing too much about spacewomen, Miss Madison.

MADISON
Not “Miss” Madison.

MRS. CROCKETT
This is Mrs. Benson, Mrs. Madison.

MADISON
Not “Mrs.” Madison.

BOBBY
Golly, what’re we supposed to call you then?

MADISON
Mad-i-son.

MRS. CROCKETT
This is little Bobby. And I’m Mrs. Crockett. You’re a long way from home, aren’t you, Mrs. Madison?

BOBBY
No, Mrs. Crockett, it’s Mad-i-son.

MADISON
Cute kid. He doesn’t come out of his room much, does he?

MRS. CROCKETT
I apologize. Mad-i-son.

MADISON
Okay, fine, let’s go with “Miss Madison.” At least I can appear unaffiliated.

MRS. CROCKETT
This way, please. I’ll show you to your room.

MADISON
Thanks.

MRS. CROCKETT
I can tell you’re not from here.

MADISON
Yeah?

MRS. CROCKETT
I can spot a Chicago accent every time.

MADISON
So far you people are tipping the scale towards stupidity.

SCENE FOUR

MRS. CROCKETT
“–and so, this Sunday morning, we ask the question that has been plaguing the entire world for two days now — ‘Where is the creature and what is she up to?'”

BOBBY
Golly, Mom, do you think the spacewoman eats cereal?

HELEN
Oh, Bobby, such thoughts you have.

BOBBY
What do you think, Miss Madison? Do you think the spacewoman eats cereal?

MADISON
Only to get the prize at the bottom.

BOBBY
Hey! That’s mine!

MADISON
Don’t make me blow up your planet over a plastic whistle.

MRS. CROCKETT
Oh! Oh, listen to what it says here, “If the spacewoman could build a spaceship that can fly to Earth, and has a robot that can electrocute soldiers–”

MADISON
Hey, the robot didn’t electrocute that soldier. He just got zapped in the butt a couple times.

BOBBY
I heard he won’t be able to sit down for a whole month!

HELEN
Oh, that’s terrible.

MADISON
Ya know, he did shoot me. Uh… the spacewoman.

MRS. CROCKETT
“–if she could do all that, what other terrors can she unleash at will?” Oh, they need to track down this monster and destroy her before she destroys us!

MADISON
I’d like to say your opinion is symptomatic of the Cold War era, but, really, humans always want to kill what they don’t understand.

HELEN
I agree with Miss Madison. This space woman — or whatever she is — we automatically assume she’s a menace. Maybe she isn’t after all.

MRS. CROCKETT
Well, then, where is she, Mrs. Benson? What’s she up to?

HELEN
Maybe she’s afraid. After all, she was shot the minute she landed here.

MADISON
There! Yes! Thank you! My point. I promise I’ll do my best to spare you. And your kid. Don’t touch that whistle!

BOBBY
Aw, gee whiz.

MADISON
Ya know, maybe before deciding whether the spacewoman should blow up the Earth or not, she may want to learn more about you 1950’s people.

MRS. CROCKETT
There’s nothing strange about Washington.

HELEN
A person from another planet might disagree with you.

MADISON
A person with half a brain might disagree with you.

MRS. CROCKETT
Oh!

HELEN
It’s all right, Mrs. Crockett. That’s Mr. Stevens calling for me. I’ll go to the door.

MRS. CROCKETT
That awful robot standing there like an ugly iron statue. It gives me the shivers.

BOBBY
I think it looks more like a garbage can on wheels.

MRS. CROCKETT
Well, do you want to electrocuted by a garbage can?!

MADISON
I wish I’d brought a Roomba. I think Mrs. Crockett would be like one of those cats that sees a Roomba and then leaps into a ceiling fan trying to escape.

HELEN
Morning, Tom.

TOM
Hello, Helen. We’re all set. I picked up some sandwiches and put gas in the car, and the radio is busted so we can forget about this spacewoman for the day.

HELEN
I haven’t been able to arrange for anyone to stay with Bobby. Mrs. Crockett’s going out and, uh, I don’t suppose we could take him with us?

TOM
Oh. I guess we could.

HELEN
Just for today. Mrs. Crockett has plans and I don’t know who else to ask.

TOM
Good morning.

MADISON
‘Sup.

HELEN
Miss Madison, this is my boyfriend, Tom Stevens.

MADISON
Dating a woman with a kid. Very progressive for the 1950s.

TOM
Progressive?

MADISON
Goin’ out with someone who’s well’s already been tapped.

TOM
Uh…

HELEN
Say, Miss Madison! You wouldn’t happen to be available to watch Bobby today, would you?

MADISON
You literally met me two days ago and you trust me with your child?

TOM
You have an honest face!

MADISON
Suck up.

TOM
And an honest tongue.

HELEN
Please, Miss Madison?

MADISON
Babysitting? Full disclosure, when I babysat for my little sister, I’d make her play tag.

TOM
What’s wrong with that?

MADISON
I’d make her chase me while running with a pair of scissors. And in order to be safe from being tagged, she had to stick them into an electrical outlet. That was the summer she had curly hair.

TOM
Well, Helen, I’m sold.

HELEN
All right. I’ll go tell Bobby.

MADISON
Wow, you really wanna have some alone time with Helen, huh?

TOM
Yes.

MADISON
Widows totally put-out, huh?

SCENE FIVE

BOBBY
And this is where my father is buried.

MADISON
You took me sightseeing to a cemetery? What kind of warped little goth kid are you?

BOBBY
Didn’t you ever hear of Arlington Cemetery?

MADISON
I’ve heard of laundromats but I don’t want to go tour one.

BOBBY
Don’t they have cemeteries for wars where you’ve been?

MADISON
The only cemeteries I go to screen movies outside. One year I drank so much hard lemonade, I mistook a mausoleum for a port-a-potty. Boy did the Rothschild family have some strong words to say about that.

BOBBY
Hey, that’s a good idea! Ya wanna go to the movies?

MADISON
Movies cost money. All I got is Apple Pay.

BOBBY
You can’t pay with apples!

MADISON
Don’t tell Steve Jobs that.

BOBBY
Well, I’ve got two dollars. I’ll treat you, okay?

MADISON
Oh! I know! Here.

BOBBY
Gee, I’ve never seen a coin like this before. What does the “B” stand for?

MADISON
That’s a Bitcoin coin.

BOBBY
Wow. It looks like it’s worth a lot of money.

MADISON
Nah. That’s just a physical representation of cryptocurrency. Which isn’t worth anything, either, except to rich tech-bros who think they’re investment savvy and listen to Andrew Tate.

BOBBY
Oh.

MADISON
You can buy it off of me for that two bucks.

BOBBY
Sure, it’s kinda neat lookin’.

MADISON
Okay, so I’ll treat us to the movie. Where I come from, two dollars won’t even get you parking at the theater.

BOBBY
Hey, before we go to the movies, would you like to see the Abraham Lincoln Memorial?

MADISON
Actually, yeah. I’d like to see all of the memorials before Trump slaps his name on them and paints them gold.

BOBBY
Who?

MADISON
Imagine the Cold War and the Great Depression put together — but with memes.

BOBBY
Okay…?

MADISON
Wait a sec. That makes me think. They won’t let me talk to all the heads of the world’s nations at once, but what about the world’s scientists?

BOBBY
Scientists?

MADISON
Yeah! When politicians become science deniers, the only smart people left in the room are the scientists. Mainly because they’re so wrapped up in science they don’t bother with people pleasing. Sometimes being socially awkward is an asset.

BOBBY
So you want to meet a scientist?

MADISON
Yeah! Who’s the smartest scientist ya got?

BOBBY
That’s Professor Barnhardt, I guess. He’s the greatest scientist in the world. He lives right here in Washington.

MADISON
Great! Let’s go see Professor Barnhardt.

BOBBY
You’re kiddin’, aren’t you?

MADISON
Hey, you dragged me to see your dead dad. The least you can do is take me to a living scientist.

BOBBY
I like you, Miss Madison. You’re a real screwball.

MADISON
Screwball? Ooo… “Screwdrivers!” Let’s stop at a bar on the way. I got two bucks now and Miss Madison is thirsty!

SCENE SIX

BOBBY
Gee, maybe the professor isn’t at home. Miss Madison! What are you doing?

MADISON
Trying to open the door!

BOBBY
But it’s locked!

MADISON
Oh… Is it?

BOBBY
Well, that’s funny.

MADISON
We’ll go in and wait for him. I’m sure he won’t mind.

BOBBY
Um… Miss Madison? Did you maybe, have too many drinks at that bar?

MADISON
Hey! Who’s babysitting who here? That vase was like that when I got here.

BOBBY
Gee, look at this blackboard! Just think of all the brains that goes on in here. What do you suppose all that writing means?

MADISON
It’s a problem in celestial mechanics.

BOBBY
It is?

MADISON
You don’t believe me? Raise your hand if you arrived here in a spaceship.

BOBBY
Maybe we should go home, Miss Madison. You remind me of Mrs. Crockett after her Bridge parties.

MADISON
First I gotta fix what he wrote here on the board.

BOBBY
Hey, it says, “Don’t erase, don’t touch”!

MADISON
Okay… let’s see. Whoa! He’s got letters in his math equations? Pfft. What a doof.

BOBBY
I don’t think you should be erasing that!

MADISON
I’m fixing it. Hang on. There!

BOBBY
You drew a tic-tac-toe board.

MADISON
I got center “X.” Your move.

HILDA
Who are you? How dare you come in like this! How dare you write on that blackboard! Do you realize the professor’s been working on that problem for weeks?

MADISON
Well, I fixed it. C’mon, Bobby. It’s your turn.

BOBBY
Uh…

HILDA
What do you want?

MADISON
To see Professor Bernhardt.

BOBBY
Barnhardt.

MADISON
Bernhardt.

BOBBY
Barnhardt.

MADISON
Bernhardt.

HILDA
Barnhardt!

MADISON
I’m pretty sure it’s Bernhardt.

HILDA
Well, he’s not here! And he won’t be back until evening. I think you’d better leave.

MADISON
Will you tell him that Madison was here? And get us a cab. I’m in no condition to walk. Bobby, where do we live?

BOBBY
Sixteen-Fifteen M Street, Northwest.

HILDA
Get your own cab and get out!

MADISON
Rude. If I had my robot here, your ass would look like charred roast beef! Come on, Bobby! And clean up this broken vase! It’s a hazard.

HILDA
Madison! Sixteen-Fifteen M Street, Northwest. Madison, Sixteen-Fifteen M Street– Sixteen-Fifteen– Hello, operator? Give me the police!

SCENE SEVEN

TOM
Well, here we are.

HELEN
Thank you, Tom. It was a wonderful day.

TOM
You still haven’t answered my question.

HELEN
Oh, you know how I feel, Tom. But I still want time to think it over.

TOM
If I could only tell the boss I was getting married and acquiring two dependents.

MADISON
How romantic.

TOM
What?! What are you doing here?! This is a private conversation.

MADISON
Then don’t have it in a convertible.

HELEN
Oh, hello, Miss Madison. Is Bobby inside?

MADISON
Yup.

BRADY
We better get going.

HELEN
Uh… who’s this?

MADISON
Government guy. But he can’t prove I was the one who threw up on the Lincoln Memorial. You guys don’t have DNA yet. That could’ve been anyone’s upchuck!

BRADY
Let’s go.

MADISON
I know my rights!

BRADY
Good night, Sir. Ma’am.

HELEN
Good… night.

TOM
Good night.

BRADY
Gosh, darn it!!

MADISON
Okay, that is my puke.

SCENE EIGHT

BRADY
Here’s the woman you wanted to see, Professor Barnhardt.

MADISON
Ya know, you didn’t need to kidnap me. You coulda just called.

BARNHARDT
And you didn’t need to break into my home. You could’ve just left a message.

MADISON
Fair.

BARNHARDT
Thank you, Mr. Brady. I wish to speak to her alone, now.

BRADY
I’ll be outside, Professor. Cleaning out my backseat.

BARNHARDT
You are the one who played tic-tac-toe on my blackboard?

MADISON
Yeah, but those games are always a draw.

BARNHARDT
You erased part of my equation in the process.

MADISON
So? Don’t you save your work?

BARNHARDT
It was saved. On the blackboard.

MADISON
All of your gobbley-gook didn’t make sense anyway.

BARNHARDT
Actually, you’re right.

MADISON
I… am?

BARNHARDT
I couldn’t make sense of the equation until you erased that middle portion. Then I could see I was overthinking it. Thanks to you, I’ve found the solution.

MADISON
Oh, well, you’re welcome.

BARNHARDT
So… how do you like our planet?

MADISON
Nice place to visit, but the parking sucks.

BARNHARDT
So you are the spacewoman!

MADISON
More like a “time and space” woman.

BARNHARDT
Oh, please sit down! I have several thousand questions to ask you.

MADISON
Actually, me first. I wanted to talk to you about my mission here since you’re the closest thing the 1950s has to Neil deGrasse Tyson.

BARNHARDT
Ah, your mission! That is my first question!

MADISON
Okay, so since your politicians are douche nozzles, I decided I should talk to scientists instead. ‘Cuz you guys like, invented atomic energy, but the politicians are the ones who weaponized it, right?

BARNHARDT
Yes. The military always has the best funding, unfortunately.

MADISON
Too bad everything can’t be like Silly Putty. It was created by the government to be an alternative to rubber in World War II, but instead became a hugely popular toy. Ya know, between that and the “Slinky,” everybody needs to stop making toys and just give kids repurposed junk to play with. It’s the hype that sells it.

BARNHARDT
Uh… what exactly is the nature of your mission?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, right. It’s to warn you that Earth faces danger. I was kinda hoping for a global audience. Like during the Super Bowl halftime show. But apparently you guys are faster at inventing nukes than you are the Super Bowl. Which got its name from the kid’s toy, “Super Ball.” Seriously, kids can be amused by the simplest crap.

BARNHARDT
Would you be willing to meet with a group of scientists I’m calling together? We’re having our first meeting tomorrow night. Perhaps you could explain your mission to them, and they, in turn, could present it to their various peoples.

MADISON
Yeah, that could work.

BARNHARDT
One thing. Suppose this group should reject your proposal. What is the alternative?

MADISON
The Earth would be obliterated.

BARNHARDT
Oh, my!

MADISON
No, no, no. It’s not that bad. Where I come from we’ve redefined “obliterated” to mean, “it can be dug up and rebuilt.”

BARNHARDT
Such power exists?

MADISON
Oh, yah. Earth will be melted down like Velveeta in the microwave.

BARNHARDT
This power you speak of, the scientists must be made to realize that it exists.

MADISON
Sure. A little proof of concept.

BARNHARDT
Perhaps something that would affect the entire planet?

MADISON
Oh. Ohhhh, yeah. I got somethin’ good.

BARNHARDT
A little demonstration, but not destructive.

MADISON
Not destructive? Okay. Gonna need to dip into the think tank on that one.

BARNHARDT
Could you do it tomorrow before our meeting in the evening? Say, noon?

MADISON
Let’s call it “noon-ish.” I actually suffer from time blindness. I’m never on time for anything and calling it a “condition” means I don’t have to take responsibility for my own actions. I also have cleaning blindness, cooking blindness and paying-the-bills blindness. It’s a burden. On other people.

SCENE NINE

BOBBY
Come in!

MADISON
Bobby, you got a flashlight I can borrow?

BOBBY
Oh, sure, Miss Madison. It’s a real Boy Scout one.

MADISON
1950’s Boy Scouts? You got a light source that isn’t socially and politically problematic?

BOBBY
Huh?

MADISON
I guess I can use the flashlight on my phone. I was worried about running the battery down, but I can recharge it on my spaceship. Okay, thanks, anyway.

BOBBY
Did she just say… The Boy Scouts are “problematic?” I’ll show her how good my Boy Scout flashlight is!

MRS. CROCKETT
Bobby!

BOBBY
Oh! Hello, Mrs. Crockett.

MRS. CROCKETT
What are you doing trampling down the stairs like a herd of elephants this late at night!

BOBBY
I’m following Miss Madison to her spaceship!

MRS. CROCKETT
Does your mother know you’re out of bed?

BOBBY
I’ll tell her when she gets home. Bye!

MRS. CROCKETT
Well, all right, then.

LADY
Edith! It’s your bid!

MRS. CROCKETT
I’ll be there in a minute! This Gin isn’t gonna fizz itself!

SCENE TEN

MADISON
Well, great. They’ve built a wall around my spaceship and have armed guards. Okay, let’s see if I can get Gort’s attention.

BOBBY
That’s a funny looking flashlight.

MADISON
Ah!

BOBBY
Oh, I’m sorry. Did it break?

MADISON
No, but I think this is the day my heart stood still.

BOBBY
What’re you trying to do?

MADISON
I was trying to signal Gort with the light.

BOBBY
The robot? Why?

MADISON
To distract the guards so I can get inside my spaceship. See watch. I flash the light on that wall in a pattern like this… Ah! Sorry.
My boss always calls me at the worst times.

BOBBY
I think the guards heard you.

MADISON
Oh, crap. Come on, Gort! See the flashing light!

GUARD
The robot! It’s moving! Ah!!!

BOBBY
It zapped him in the butt!!

GUARD
Ah!!! Screw the G.I. Bill! This isn’t worth it!

BOBBY
Look, Miss Madison! The guards are running away!

MADISON
So much for your military defenses. Okay, I got some work to do in my spaceship. I’d invite you in but the place is a sty, dirty clothes, dishes everywhere. They give me a robot that will zap people, but where’s my robot maid?

BOBBY
Well, gee, I don’t mind if the place is messy.

MADISON
No, it’s late. You better go home. I’ll invite you in another time.

BOBBY
Oh-kay.

MADISON
All right, Gort, let’s go inside– Gort! Dammit! Somebody knocked him over. Don’t blink your little lights at me! I’m coming! This is a serious design flaw. How are we supposed to instill fear in humanity with you just laying on the sidewalk? Well, the same would go for you delivering Thai food!

SCENE ELEVEN

HELEN
Thanks, again, for taking me out, Tom.

TOM
How ’bout a thank you kiss?

BOBBY
Mom! Mom! Listen!

TOM
Oh, good, Bobby’s here.

HELEN
Bobby! What’re you doing down here at this hour fully dressed?

BOBBY
Mom, I had to tell ya! I followed Miss Madison and, gee, where do you think she went? Right into the spaceship!

HELEN
Now, Bobby, just one minute–

BOBBY
Honest, Mom, I saw her! They got a shed built around the spaceship so nobody can get to it. But Miss Madison flashed a signal to that robot garbage can and it zapped the guard!

TOM
Bobby, have you’ve been dreaming again?

BOBBY
No, honest, I promise! I saw it! She was gonna let me inside but she doesn’t have a robot maid!

HELEN
Bobby, I’m sure Miss Madison is asleep upstairs. Which is where you should be.

BOBBY
You gotta believe me!

HELEN
Tom, would you come with us upstairs to show Bobby Miss Madison is in her room asleep?

TOM
You know, there are a lot of good boarding schools for boys his age.

HELEN
What?

TOM
Nothing. Let’s go upstairs.

BOBBY
I’m telling ya! She isn’t in her room!

TOM
Oh, no? Then who is that snoring?

BOBBY
Mrs. Crockett. Her Bridge ladies didn’t leave till midnight.

HELEN
This is her room, Tom.

TOM
Pardon us, Miss Madison?

HELEN
Oh, we shouldn’t wake her.

TOM
She’s not here, Helen.

BOBBY
See! See! I told ya!

TOM
Helen, look what I found on the carpet.

HELEN
That’s an unusual coin. What country do you think it’s from?

BOBBY
It’s not from a country, it’s a “Bitcoin.” Miss Madison’s got lots of ’em. She gave me one. See?

HELEN
She gave you this?

BOBBY
Well, not exactly. I gave her two dollars.

TOM
Look at the design on it. There’s a “B” but what are all of these grooves in this unusual pattern?

BOBBY
Miss Madison says it’s a chip for computers.

HELEN
All right, that’s enough of this fantasy. Bobby, go to bed.

BOBBY
But, Mom–

HELEN
Go to bed!

BOBBY
Gee whiz.

TOM
I’m going to hang onto this coin, Helen, and see if I can find anything out about it. Meanwhile, I think you should stay away from this “Miss Madison.” I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.

HELEN
Or happen to Bobby. Or happen to Bobby.

TOM
Well… you can’t protect him his whole life, Helen. At some point he has to leave the nest.

HELEN
He’s ten!

TOM
The circus is always hiring.

SCENE TWELVE

MADISON
Oh, hey! Helen! Helen! Yo! Helen!

HELEN
Miss Madison? What are you doing here at my office? I was headed to lunch.

MADISON
I gotta ask you something.

HELEN
I only have thirty minutes for lunch, I really need to go. Oh, this elevator is too crowded. I’ll take the service elevator.

MADISON
I’ll go with you!

HELEN
All right, fine. What do you need to ask me?

MADISON
Actually, it’s my boss. He’s on my ass about this. He wants me to exterminate… Eh– make sure no one knows about me.

HELEN
Knows about you?

MADISON
Well, like, has Bobby told you anything?

HELEN
Oh, Bobby has such an active imagination.

MADISON
So you didn’t believe him?

HELEN
Of course not.

MADISON
That’s not a good reflection on your parenting skills.

HELEN
Really, Miss Madison. Bobby is–

MADISON
Just a sec! Four… three… two… one… NOW! Why isn’t it working?

HELEN
Why isn’t what working?

MADISON
The elevator!

HELEN
The elevator is working just fine.

MADISON
Exactly! Why is the elevator working just fine?

HELEN
I really don’t–

MADISON
There we go.

HELEN
The elevator stopped. Hit the emergency call button.

MADISON
That won’t help. Everything has stopped. Cars, electric turbines, toasters! Somewhere there’s a housewife trying to do laundry and her clothes are stuck in the middle of the wash cycle sopping wet and full of soap. Which happens to me every time I go to the laundromat. Of course I overfill the load! The wash cycle is expensive!

HELEN
I don’t understand.

MADISON
I’ve stopped all electricity all over the world. Traffic is stopped on a million streets, electric clocks stopped at the dot of noon, milkshakes stopped bringing the boys to the yard!

HELEN
You… did this?

MADISON
Well, the technology I brought with me did. But don’t worry, I’m not a total bitch. I made sure hospitals are still running and airplanes aren’t droppin’ outta the sky. Oh! And hairdryers are still working. No woman deserves to suffer with limp air-dried hair.

HELEN
Why did you do this?

MADISON
To demonstrate to the scientists of the world what we’re capable of. I’m gonna speak to them tonight. But here’s the thing, I need you to keep my secret. Without cutting away to another scene, I can guess that the military leaders of the country are pretty peeved right about now and probably want to kill me.

HELEN
You don’t know that.

MADISON
C’mon! Mrs. Crocket wanted to kill me. It’s because people fear what they don’t know.

HELEN
So, what are you going to do?

MADISON
I’m gonna give a warning to the planet so you all can then fear what you do know.

HELEN
This is so confusing.

MADISON
Bottom line, my life is in your hands, and if I die, the world’s gonna die. So, no pressure, but, you gotta keep my secret or you’re dead.

HELEN
Oh! The lights. We’ve started again.

MADISON
Ah! It must be twelve-thirty. Sorry, I just ate up your entire lunch break.

HELEN
Where are you going now?

MADISON
Back to the boardinghouse. I’ll be safe there for the afternoon. And I’ll be able to make sure that Bobby doesn’t snitch, since he’s the only other person who knows about me.

HELEN
No, wait a minute. There’s someone else. Tom. He was with me last night when Bobby told me what he saw.

MADISON
Uck, that guy’s the the type to take up two armrests in a movie theater. He’s not considerate of your elbows, Helen. Not at all.

HELEN
Oh, well, I’m sure he doesn’t know anything definite and–

MADISON
Death, Helen. Death.

HELEN
We can’t take a chance, can we?

MADISON
Can you shut him up? Or do I need to take drastic measures with Gort? I can make it so Tom can’t sit down till next July.

HELEN
No, I think I can keep him from saying anything.

MADISON
Okay, well, this needs to happen like, now.

HELEN
Oh, yes, right away. I’ll go to his office.

MADISON
The fate of the whole world in the hands of a guy who’s so full of himself, he’d sue his own twin for stealing his likeness.

SCENE THIRTEEN

MARGARET
Yes, Mr. Stevens?

TOM
Margaret, now, listen, call the Pentagon and–

MARGARET
Mrs. Benson’s here to see you, sir.

TOM
Yeah, well, never mind. This is more important. Listen. Now, call the Pentagon and find out who’s in charge of this spacewoman business–

HELEN
Tom!

TOM
Margaret, call me as soon as you get the Pentagon and don’t take any other calls.

HELEN
Tom, what did you mean, “more important?”

TOM
I have got some pretty terrific news about your good friend, Miss Madison.

HELEN
What about her?

TOM
She’s the woman from the spaceship! I had that coin, or whatever it is, checked at three different places. No country on earth’s ever minted a coin like that! Not now, not anywhere throughout history! And after what Bobby’s told us, that’s enough for me!

HELEN
All right, Tom, it’s true. But you’ve got to promise me you won’t say a word to anybody.

TOM
Nobody but the Pentagon.

HELEN
Please, Tom!

TOM
Are you crazy? After what happened today? Why, just look at my face! My electric shaver stopped halfway through my shave!

HELEN
Why didn’t you finish the shave when the electricity came back?

TOM
That’s not the point, Helen! I say she’s dangerous. And it’s our duty to turn her in.

HELEN
She isn’t dangerous! She told me what she came here for.

TOM
Oh, honey, don’t be silly because you happen to like the girl. Do you realize what this’ll mean for us? I’ll be the biggest man in the country. I’ll write my own ticket.

HELEN
Is that what you’re thinking about?

MARGARET
The Pentagon is on the line, sir.

HELEN
Tom, you don’t know what you’re doing! It isn’t just you and Miss Madison! It’s everybody! The rest of the world is involved!

TOM
I don’t give a hang about the rest of the world! I’m in this for me.

HELEN
Tom–!

TOM
You’ll feel different when you see my picture in the papers. You’ll see. You’re gonna marry a hero.

HELEN
I’m not going to marry anybody. And you’ve never once shared the armrest!

SCENE FOURTEEN

HELEN
Miss Madison! Miss Madison! Are you here?

MADISON
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m here. What’s up? What did Tom say?

HELEN
You were right about him.

MADISON
Douche nozzles transcend time and space.

HELEN
We have to hurry. I’ve got a taxi outside.

MADISON
Dammit! I knew I shoulda let Gort zap him!

TAXI DRIVER
Where to?

HELEN
To the spaceship in the park, driver. And hurry!

TAXI DRIVER
The spaceship, huh? I don’t know what you ladies expect to see there. The whole area’s blocked off by military vehicles.

MADISON
Too bad the president didn’t declare it a Natural Disaster Area. They’d pull the government support in a second.

HELEN
I think we may have been seen getting into the taxi.

MADISON
What makes you say that?

HELEN
We’re being followed by an army car!

TAXI DRIVER
There’s military vehicles all over the place!

HELEN
You can’t possibly get close to the spaceship now with all of those troops in full gear!

MADISON
Tom spread the word like a celebrity death on Facebook.

HELEN
It’s only a few more blocks to Professor Barnhardt’s. We should take you there.

MADISON
Little worried about Gort. I’m afraid of what he might do if anything should happen to me.

HELEN
Gort? But he’s a robot.

MADISON
He’s a product of centuries of refinement. There’s no limit to what he could do. He could destroy the earth. If no one has tipped him over again.

HELEN
And the city is swarming with patrol cars hunting you! How can we tell them?

MADISON
Like they’re gonna listen to two women? Look, if anything happens to me, you gotta get to Gort. You gotta give him this message. “Gort, Madison barada nikto.” Okay? “Gort, Madison barada nikto.” Say it back to me.

HELEN
“Gort, Madison barada–” Um… “Madison barada– barrada–

TAXI DRIVER
“–Nikto”! “Gort, Madison barada nikto.”

MADISON
Maybe I should send the taxi driver. Without GPS, he’s actually navigating this entire city through memory.

TAXI DRIVER
Okay, ladies, this is as far as we go. They got the street blockaded.

HELEN
The spaceship isn’t very far. Why don’t you try to run for it?

MADISON
Why don’t you run the other direction and draw their fire?

HELEN
I have a son!

MADISON
You’re not gonna have a son much longer if the world blows up!

TAXI DRIVER
Uh, ladies? That’ll be two-fifty.

MADISON
All right, I’m gonna make a run for it. But you gotta cover the cab fare.

OFFICER
There she is! Stop or we’ll fire!

MADISON
Ah!! Shot twice in one episode. This sucks.

HELEN
Miss Madison!!

MADISON
Gort! Get… get…

HELEN
Yes! I’ll get to Gort, I promise!

MADISON
No! Get the taxi driver to Gort. Man, if she says it wrong, Gort may destroy the Earth. Or deliver Kung Pao Chicken to the wrong address.

SCENE FIFTEEN

HELEN
Madison barada nikto. Madison barada nikto. Madison– Oh, no. Gort must know that Miss Madison is dead! He’s heading straight for those armed soldiers!

SOLDIER #2
Ahhh!!! I’ve been shot in the– OW!

HELEN
He’s getting ready to shoot again! No! No! Gort, no!

SOLDIER #2
Ahh! Fall back! Fall back!! We’re under attack!!

HELEN
Gort! Gort! Madison– Madison barada — Madison barada nikto!!

SCENE SIXTEEN

HELEN
Where… where am I?

MADISON
Oh, hey, Helen. ‘Sup.

HELEN
I– I thought you were–

MADISON
Dead? Yeah, I was as dead as my Furby when my brother ripped all the fur off of it. It looked like what the Terminator fears in his nightmares.

HELEN
But that doesn’t explain how you’re not… um… dead.

MADISON
Oh, well, they had me halfway to the morgue when Gort caught up with me and brought me back here. I got this technique that can restore life and reduce fine lines and wrinkles!

HELEN
That’s amazing.

MADISON
I know! But, in some cases, it’s only for a limited time.

HELEN
How long do you have?

MADISON
No one can tell. Like, look, I’m already getting crow’s feet.

HELEN
I mean, how long will you be… alive?

MADISON
Oh, that. Hopefully long enough to give my schpeel to the scientists. Otherwise I have no idea how long any of you will be alive. Thanks, Gort! He says Professor Barnhardt’s scientists are ready.

HELEN
I’ll go outside and find a seat. Good luck.

MADISON
Red-leather, yellow-leather. Red-leather, yellow-leather. I’ll be fine, Gort. But be prepared to destroy all mankind if there’s any sign of trouble. Or if I flub a line. That’s so embarrassing I’d want all witnesses destroyed. Okay, Gort. Go on.

GORT
You… people of Earth. You… men of science. You here from all over your world — Europe, Asia — representing many nations, many ideas.Please put your hands together for the woman who’s gonna save this planet from total annihilation… Miss Madison!!!

MADISON
Thank you, everyone! Thank you! So good to be here. Okay, let’s get down to basics. Humanity, you guys war a lot. Like, a lot, a lot, and that’s fine, you do you. But see, now you have nukes and the rest of the Universe is not okay with that. Nobody’s saying you have to give up your freedom to kill each other — we’re not coming for your guns — but you are gonna be patrolled by a race of robots to make sure you keep all your war to yourselves. At the first sign of threat outside of your own atmosphere, these robots are gonna drop kick this planet into the next solar system. No regime change. Y’all be toast. Ya got it? C’mon, Gort. Let’s hit it. Peace or Perish. Byeeeeee.

NARRATOR
And, as they had seen her come, so did they see her depart. And the people of the Earth pondered upon the warning…

MADISON
But as we all know, decades passed, the arms race got worse, and WMDs became the excuse to launch wars. So… nice try, space people. No one’s gonna force us to have peace. Oh, what’s that you got over there? Enriched uranium? Bring it.

EPILOGUE

MADISON
The original film “The Day the Earth Stood Still” premiered in 1951 and was adapted for the Lux Radio Theater in 1954 where Michael Rennie recreated his role of the spaceman, Klaatu. The movie is considered one of the best science-fiction films of all time, with the phrase “Klaatu, barada, nikto” being the most referenced quote from all of sci-fi. Besides the Lux Radio Theater’s adaptation, the film would be published as a novel in 1976, and Keanu Reeves would star as Klaatu in the 2008 film remake. From an era that was filled with science fiction in reaction to the Cold War and the new Atomic Age, “The Day the Earth Stood Still” remains a cautionary tale about war, and a warning to choose peace.