MADISON ON THE AIR: DICK TRACY – “THE CASE OF THE FIREBUG MURDERS”  

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAY 2026

SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
Calling all adventure fans, calling all Dick Tracy fans, stand-by, Dick Tracy is on the air!

MADISON
Excuse me! You mean “Madison is on the Air.”

ANNOUNCER
And now, Dick Tracy, protector of law and order!

MADISON
Seriously, though. It is my show.

VITAMIN
…I walked out onto the center of the stage and called to the stage manager.

SNOWFLAKE
Vitamin.

VITAMIN
I said to him, “Meh good man, I know the line. What is the name of the play we are doing?”

SNOWFLAKE
Vitamin.

VITAMIN
And to my chagrin, I found myself smack dab in the middle of “Little Women,” not realizing that my character of “Jo” was not short for “Joseph,” but “Josephine!”

SNOWFLAKE
Vitamin!!

VITAMIN
Uh, yes, meh love?

SNOWFLAKE
Madison is asleep, dear.

VITAMIN
Asleep? Do you mean to say that I’ve been telling that story to mehself all this time?

SNOWFLAKE
You didn’t seem to mind, darling.

VITAMIN
Uh, oh, yes, I didn’t, did I? Madison, wake up. You-hoo! Wake up.

MADISON
Huh? Wha…? Where am I?

VITAMIN
In meh living room, meh dear.

MADISON
Ew. How drunk was I that I went home with some old wrinkled dude?! Unless maybe you’re my hook up’s… grandfather?

VITAMIN
Snowflake, can you understand what this girl is saying so I know whether or not to react insulted.

SNOWFLAKE
Madison, you came to our party and fell asleep on the sofa.

MADISON
Oh! Got it! Phew. For a second there I thought I might’ve… with him! Uck. Dry heave.

SNOWFLAKE
I think you can react insulted now, darling.

MADISON
What time is it?

VITAMIN
While I’m reacting insulted, you can discover the time on your own wristwatch.

MADISON
Wristwatch? I don’t wear a… I do wear a. Where did I get an Apple Watch in the 1940s? Am I still asleep?

VITAMIN
Your time piece looks identical to that of Dick Tracy’s.

SNOWFLAKE
It is Dick Tracy’s wristwatch, Vitamin. Remember? Madison was bothering him all night about it asking him how many… um… “steps” he had today?

VITAMIN
I thought that was just the umpteen whiskey sours she’d consumed. Truly, meh dear, you are no friend to your liver.

SNOWFLAKE
What about you, Vitamin, and your bourbon?

VITAMIN
I drink a lot of bourbon to wash down my vitamin pills.

MADISON
Is that why she keeps calling you Vitamin?

VITAMIN
Of course. I am very health conscious, you see.

MADISON
Actually, by what I see, a better name for you would be, “Bourbon.” Gah! Did everybody hear that, or is it just the whiskey sours talkin’?

VITAMIN
I believe that was Tracy’s wristwatch. It’s a two-way radio with the police, you know. Try tuning it.

MADISON
How do you tune a watch?

VITAMIN
If I may take the liberty?

MADISON
G’ahead.

VITAMIN
It is my understanding one must twist these dials along the side, here. Answer that for me, will you, darling?

SNOWFLAKE
Of course, dear. This is the Flintheart apartment. Mrs. Vitamin Flintheart speaking.

MADISON
Dude! She’s your wife? She’s young and hot. How did you manage that?

VITAMIN
All right, I don’t know who should be insulted by that comment. Mehself or meh wife.

GERTIE
Hi, ya, Snowflake. Let me speak to Tracy, will ya?

SNOWFLAKE
Oh, hello, Gravel Gertie! I’m sorry, but Tracy has already gone home.

GERTIE
I’ve been ringin’ up everybody I could think of all over town! I gotta find Tracy! There’s a big fire what got started down here in the warehouse district!

SNOWFLAKE
Vitamin, it’s Gravel Gertie looking for Tracy. She says there’s a fire.

VITAMIN
Oh, dear! Not another one!

POLICE DISPATCH
Calling Dick Tracy, calling Dick Tracy.

MADISON
Ohmahgod! Do I answer it?

VITAMIN
By all means! Press that button!

MADISON
Umm… I’m sorry, Dick Tracy’s not here right now. May I please take a message?

POLICE DISPATCH
It’s important I reach Dick Tracy right away!

MADISON
Okay! Well, what do you want me to tell him?

GERTIE
Snowflake! Ya still there?

SNOWFLAKE
Oh, yes! I’m still here, Gertie.

GERTIE
Let me give ya a message in case ya hear from Tracy. Tell ‘im to get over here.

POLICE DISPATCH
We need Dick Tracy to go to this address.

GERTIE
River Street, 101, where all them warehouses is.

POLICE DISPATCH
The fire has been burning.

GERTIE
About a half-hour.

POLICE DISPATCH
It looks pretty bad.

GERTIE
And I got an idea everything ain’t strictly on the up-and-up, see?

POLICE DISPATCH
It may be the firebug again!

GERTIE
Get Tracy down here now!

POLICE DISPATCH
Get Tracy down there now!

MADISON
Well, I don’t want that to happen again. Where on this thing do you uninstall the police radio app?

SCENE TWO

VITAMIN
It’s not that I mind giving you a lift, Madison, but don’t you think we ought to locate Tracy first?

MADISON
No one’s been able to find him, the cops or that gravel lady.

VITAMIN
Gravel Gertie.

MADISON
The nicknames you guys got around here! It’s like the names we were given as pledges in my sorority. “Beer Barf Beth” because she puked after trying to drink an entire keg, “Face Plant Peyton” because she drank so much she face planted into a coffee table, and “Rug Burn Riley” because she was so drunk she crawled on her hands and knees across the carpet.

VITAMIN
Those are… colorful. What, pray tell, was your moniker?

MADISON
“Mansplain Madison.”

VITAMIN
Mansplain?

MADISON
Because I had to explain how I was so drunk that the entire Pi Kappa Kappa fraternity ended up in my dorm room.

VITAMIN
Well earned… I suppose. Did you hear that? We must be getting close to the fires.

MADISON
Dude! Look at the sky up ahead! Aw. It reminds me of home and all of the L.A. fires. Seriously, people think California’s biggest natural threat is earthquakes, but we have more fires than trailer parks have tornados.

VITAMIN
Egad! The fire makes it as bright as midday!

MADISON
And the air quality could be harmful to sensitive groups.

VITAMIN
Tracy spoke of foul play with these fires. Apparently six souls have been lost since they began.

MADISON
Then we really should’ve gotten Tracy before we drove down here.

VITAMIN
That’s what I said from the start!

MADISON
Stop the car! There’s a woman standing in the middle of the street!

VITAMIN
It appears to be Gravel Gertie. Gravel Gertie!

GERTIE
Is that you, Tracy?

VITAMIN
No, meh dear, it is I, Vitamin Flintheart!

GERTIE
Well, who’s that with ya?

VITAMIN
Mansplain Madison.

MADISON
Okay, we’re not makin’ that a thing.

GERTIE
You was supposed to bring me Tracy!

VITAMIN
Unfortunately, the detective appears to be in place or places unknown.

MADISON
But I’ve got his Apple Watch so, I guess that means I’m taking over for him.

VITAMIN
It most certainly does not mean–

GERTIE
Well, all right then. You see that shack? Well, that’s mine. And you see that yard piled high with scraps and junk? Well, that’s also mine. Just read that there sign up there, will ya?

MADISON
“Gravel Gertie, dealer in junk. I buy and sell anything.” Oh! Just like Ebay.

VITAMIN
Hmm, junk.

MADISON
Hey, one man’s junk is another man’s replica medieval weapons collection.

GERTIE
Yeah, Flint-head. Shut up, and stop making with the raised-eyebrow department.

MADISON
You, I like.

GERTIE
I’ll be likin’ you when ya help me with my problem!

MADISON
Okay, Grumpy Grandma, but I can’t do anything against imminent fire.

GERTIE
My problem ain’t the fire! My problem be a man!

MADISON
A man? Okay… well, let’s think about what you have goin’ for ya. You’re a business owner. Of… a junkyard. Hey! Fred Sanford is a widower!

GERTIE
I ain’t lookin’ to git hitched!

VITAMIN
On behalf of all men everywhere, we are most grateful.

GERTIE
Look, Flint-brain, I tol’ ya before to shut up. Now, are ya gonna do it, or will I have to give ya a hit in the head?

MADISON
Hey! Mom! Dad! No fighting in front of the kids, okay? Yeesh. So, Gertie, what dude’s been givin’ ya problems?

GERTIE
There be a guy what wants to get this here place away from me! He come around about a month ago, and asks me if I wanna sell my lease.

VITAMIN
I’d say, “sold!”

GERTIE
Well I told ‘im I weren’t innerested, and then he got sore. First, he offers more money, then he starts makin’ with the threats.

MADISON
O.M.G.! That reminds me of the time in high school when I was crushing on Cody Bennet. I wanted to get more face time with him, so I asked this girl, Jill, to switch lockers with me so I could be next to Cody, right? She was all, “No, my locker’s next to the science club, I don’t wanna move.” Didn’t matter if I offered her money or threatened to expose the bacteria culture she had growing in her locker, she wouldn’t budge.

VITAMIN
My word, what came of it?

MADISON
Well… let’s just say we mean girls have our ways. And by the end of the week, I had the locker next to Cody’s.

VITAMIN
And shortly thereafter, he was smitten by you?

MADISON
Oh, god, no. Jill’d left the bacteria culture in the locker and I was out of school for about a month with some sort of African jungle disease.

GERTIE
Hel-lo!! Are ya’ll here to help me or shall I just sit back and watch that there fire get closer?

MADISON
Sor-ry. I thought you were done with your story.

GERTIE
I was sayin’ that this fella was actin’ like he was gonna have my property or else. That he needed it. Then he says he needs some other property along the river here where the warehouses is, and that he’s gonna get hold of that, too. That he had ways to get it.

MADISON
Did it involve filling his bra with crazy glue when he was showering after gym class so he had to have it surgically removed from his nipples?

VITAMIN
I certainly hope not.

GERTIE
Well, lookin’ out at that fire, I figure I can guess what he meant.

MADISON
So who is this dude?

GERTIE
Now, wait now. I got his card here. Yeah, I got it in my pocket. Now, let me see. Oh, yeah, here it is.

MADISON
“J.P. Doom, Real Estate, 209 River Street.”

VITAMIN
Why, that’s only a block or two from here.

MADISON
“J.P. Doom.” He’s not a doctor by any chance, is he? Nah. Wrong franchise.

VITAMIN
Do you suspect this Doom person of setting the fires? I’ve heard he’s a shady character. Involves himself in local politics. But what could he hope to gain by getting this property?

GERTIE
There’s been so many fires ’round this here neighborhood, you can’t get insurance no more. Property owners is gettin’ scared, so they sell out at this guy Doom’s price. So, he gets what he wants.

MADISON
Riverfront property is always in high demand. Because who doesn’t want to live in constant fear of floods, erosion and mosquitos.

VITAMIN
You know, Madison, there’s a rumor afoot that the city is going to put the new super highway through here.

MADISON
Well, that would just ruin the aesthetics.

VITAMIN
If it’s true, Doom will be able to name his own price and get it.

GERTIE
Are you goin’ to the fire now?

MADISON
Do I look like a fireman?

GERTIE
You look like ya oughta be workin’ nights with the longshoremen down by the docks.

MADISON
Fair observation. But no. Vitamin, you and I are gonna investigate J.P. Doom!

VITAMIN
Can we please find Tracy first?

MADISON
What do we need with one of the world’s most iconic super detectives? I got this.

SCENE THREE

DOOM
Come away from the window, Hotfoot. Stop watching that fire.

HOTFOOT
It’s beautiful. Just beautiful. And it’s mine. I made it.

GIMMICK
You know, Doom, I think he enjoys watching them fires. I think he’d make ’em even if you weren’t payin’ us.

DOOM
Listen, you! I don’t wanna hear you say that! Suppose someone were to hear you!

GIMMICK
At three o’clock in the mornin’ in your office? All the way up here on the tenth floor? Why, there ain’t nobody even in this here building at this hour.

DOOM
Just the same, don’t say it.

HOTFOOT
They’ll never stop it. It’ll burn and burn and burn until there’s nothing left!

DOOM
Listen, Hotfoot, you should never have come back here to my office. Suppose you’d been seen?

HOTFOOT
Nobody ever sees me make my fires, Doom. I am an artist. The fires don’t start till Gimmick and I are out of the neighborhood at least one hour.

GIMMICK
Yeah, I gotta hand that to you, Hotfoot.

HOTFOOT
That’s because I’m smart. Well, Doom, what next? What do we burn tomorrow night?

DOOM
Nothing.

HOTFOOT
Nothing? But you said–

DOOM
We’re laying low for a few weeks. The police have been snooping around this district like a pack of bloodhounds.

HOTFOOT
They’ll never catch me, I’m too clever for ’em.

GIMMICK
Hotfoot, I think Doom’s right. Take it easy for a while till the heat’s off.

HOTFOOT
When the heat’s off, my fire isn’t any fun.

DOOM
Don’t forget, Tracy’s working on this case.

HOTFOOT
Tracy. I’d like to match wits with Dick Tracy.

GIMMICK
Yeah? Well, I wouldn’t.

DOOM
Someone’s at the door.

GIMMICK
How did anyone know we was here? The light’s are out.

HOTFOOT
Not the light from my fire. It lights up the whole city!

GIMMICK
He’s trying to unlock the door!

DOOM
Who’s there?

MADISON
Dude! I just climbed ten flights of stairs. Let me in!

GIMMICK
It’s a dame!

DOOM
Both of you, go in the other office. You can slip out the other door after she comes in here. Close the door quietly.

GIMMICK
Right. Come on.

HOTFOOT
All right, I’m comin’. Is there at least a window in there where I can watch my fire?

DOOM
Just go. Yes?

MADISON
No elevator at three a.m., huh?

DOOM
Uh, no. The elevator operator goes home at eight.

MADISON
Woo! That was a hike.

DOOM
May I… help you with something?

MADISON
Are you, J.P. Doom?

DOOM
Yes. What do you mean by trying to break into my office?

MADISON
I wasn’t trying to break in. I just tried the handle to see if it was open. Like, there’s a difference between “you tried to steal my boyfriend” and “you hooked up with my boyfriend.” One you’re a bitch, the other you better make your peace with God.

DOOM
That doesn’t explain what you’re doing trying to enter my office at this time of night.

VITAMIN
If I may? This is Madison Standish, and I am Vitamin Flintheart, star of the stage, orator of orators and the most received man-about-town.

MADISON
You can learn more about him in your souvenir program.

VITAMIN
We are here on the behest of Dick Tracy and the police.

DOOM
Dick Tracy? Oh, I see. Come in. Tracy is… not with you?

VITAMIN
No. We haven’t been able to find–

MADISON
Find a telephone to report back to him. He’s waiting for our call.

DOOM
Oh. Well, I’d offer you the use of my telephone, but the switchboard isn’t in this time of night.

MADISON
Boy, everybody goes home early in this building, huh?

DOOM
Yes.

MADISON
How come you’re here so late? Cookin’ the books? Got a rendezvous you don’t want Mrs. Doom to know about?

DOOM
Hardly. I heard there was another fire, so I came right over. I own a considerable amount of property down here.

MADISON
And you want more. It’s never enough for you rich people. Don’t you realize the emptiness inside can never be filled no matter how much wealth you acquire? Why don’t you just go home to Mrs. Doom and be happy with what you have?

DOOM
There is no “Mrs. Doom.”

MADISON
Maybe that’s your real problem. You’ve never made time for love.

DOOM
Unless being unmarried is a crime, I don’t believe you, the police or Dick Tracy have any further reason to take up my time.

MADISON
Okay, but remember, you can’t take it with you. Although I wanna be buried like a Chinese emperor with a terracotta army. I want all of the statues to be Smurfs. So when my tomb is discovered, they’ll think I ruled over a forgotten race of blue people only three apples high.

DOOM
I’ll… keep your advice in mind.

MADISON
You should. I give good advice. But no one ever listens to me. They always say–

VITAMIN
Stop, Madison!

MADISON
Usually it’s, “Shut up, Madison.” But you were close.

VITAMIN
What I mean is, “Stop, Madison. What about Gravel Gertie?”

MADISON
Oh, right! Doom Dude threatened her, didn’t he?

DOOM
Threatened Gravel Gertie? I assure you, I never threatened her. I tried to purchase her lease, yes, but that’s all.

MADISON
Well, who do I believe? The wealthy land developer, or the junkyard lady? I’m seriously asking. Neither of you feels credible.

VITAMIN
And those fires do appear suspicious.

DOOM
Surely you don’t suspect me of having anything to do with these terrible fires?

MADISON
I dunno. Vitamin?

VITAMIN
Perhaps a little more investigation is in order before we come to a conclusion.

MADISON
Good point, because there’s still that whole thing with the city building that super highway through the property he’s trying to buy up, right? You don’t think that has anything to do with the fires, do you, Vitamin?

VITAMIN
Why, of course not. Purely coincidental, meh dear.

MADISON
Thought so. Okay, Doom Dude, we’re gonna head out.

VITAMIN
And if we find Dick Tracy–

MADISON
When we find Dick Tracy. Who is waiting for our phone call.

VITAMIN
Oh! Oh, indeed, yes.

MADISON
We have got to work on your improv skills.

DOOM
Gravel Gertie. Who’s there?

HOTFOOT
Don’t get excited. It’s just us, Hotfoot and Gimmick.

DOOM
I thought you’d gone.

GIMMICK
Hotfoot wanted to hear what that dame had to say, so we listened.

DOOM
It’s just as well you didn’t go, boys. Remember I said no fires for a while?

HOTFOOT
Yeah.

DOOM
Well, that’s out. We’ve got to get rid of Gravel Gertie tomorrow night. It would be a most unfortunate accident if–

HOTFOOT
If her place would burn down? Yeah, it would!

DOOM
And it would be most unfortunate if her place would burn down, with her in it.

SCENE FOUR

GERTIE
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such a mess. A man’s work is from sun to sun. A woman’s work is never done! Ain’t it the truth? Now who can that be? At this time of night, too. Well, don’t get in an uproar. I’m comin’.

SNOWFLAKE
Hello, Gertie.

GERTIE
Snowflake. Come on in, dearie.

SNOWFLAKE
Gertie, have you seen Vitamin this evening?

GERTIE
Vitamin? No. Him and that mouthy blonde was here last night, but I ain’t seen neither of ’em today.

SNOWFLAKE
Oh, dear.

GERTIE
What’s the matter, dearie?

SNOWFLAKE
He told me that he and Madison were going to look for Dick Tracy this afternoon, and I haven’t heard from him since.

GERTIE
They ever find Tracy?

SNOWFLAKE
No. So I called up Tess Trueheart, Tracy’s fiancé. Apparently he’s been called out of town. Something urgent in Washington D.C.!

GERTIE
You think they’s still out lookin’ for ‘im?

SNOWFLAKE
I don’t know, Gertie.

GERTIE
Say, maybe that’s them now. Just a minute, dearie. Yeah?

HOTFOOT
Hello, Gertie. Remember us?

GERTIE
Remember? How could I forget my two best customers? Come on in!

HOTFOOT
Thanks.

GIMMICK
Yeah.

GERTIE
Now what can I do for you two gents? The regular order? Fifteen pounds of them magnesium scraps?

HOTFOOT
Actually, we want a double order tonight.

GERTIE
Double?

HOTFOOT
Yeah.

GERTIE
Okay. I got at least a ton of that stuff. Oh, I beg your pardon. This here is Mrs. Flintheart. These is two customers of mine, Hotfoot and Gimmick.

SNOWFLAKE
How do you do?

GIMMICK
How do you do?

HOTFOOT
How do you do?

GERTIE
I’ll get the scraps for ya. I got ’em back here.

SNOWFLAKE
My, that’s a lot of magnesium, isn’t it? What do you use it for?

HOTFOOT
We treat it with special chemicals to set fires.

SNOWFLAKE
Fires? Oh… how… interesting.

HOTFOOT
Ain’t it?

GERTIE
Fine gents, you fellas are, lettin’ a lady lug a heavy box like this without tryin’ to help her.

HOTFOOT
Sorry, Gertie. How much we owe ya?

GERTIE
Thirty pounds of magnesium scraps. Now, that’ll be, uh… Six dollars and thirty-five cent.

HOTFOOT
Give her the money, Gimmick, and grab that crate.

GIMMICK
Sure thing, Hotfoot.

SNOWFLAKE
Nice to meet you. Good luck with your fires.

GERTIE
Fires?

HOTFOOT
Sure, Gertie. Didn’t cha know? We set all the fires in this here neighborhood.

GERTIE
Why you dirty so-and-sos! I’m goin’ tell–!

HOTFOOT
You ain’t gonna tell nobody.

SNOWFLAKE
He’s got a gun!

HOTFOOT
That’s right. Okay, Gimmick, tie ’em up. Here’s the rope.

GIMMICK
Yeah, okay, Hotfoot.

GERTIE
You ain’t gonna get away with this!

HOTFOOT
That’s where you’re wrong, Gertie. Because we’re gonna shut you up forever.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
I can’t believe nobody’s seen Dick Tracy. Like, how do you miss a guy in a yellow trench coat?

VITAMIN
Well, he has been known to be called away for different endeavors. Why just last month he missed the opening night of my latest play, “The Importance of Being Harold.”

MADISON
Harold?

VITAMIN
Yes. An earlier draft of Oscar Wilde’s “The Importance of Being Earnest.” Unfortunately, there was no importance of being Harold and the show closed that night.

MADISON
Gee, I’m sure Tracy was really upset about missing that one.

VITAMIN
Oh, he was, he was. Just as he was most apologetic for falling asleep during “The Pirates of Pensacola.”

MADISON
Well, I don’t know what to do now. We haven’t found anything on that Doom Dude. I mean, he’s shady A.F. with his real estate dealings and political payoffs, but technically it’s all legal.

VITAMIN
Perhaps we should have some dinner. Freshen our minds, hmm? I’m sure Snowflake can whip up something for us. Snowflake! Snowflake, darling!

MADISON
Don’t make your wife cook for us. That is so sexist. And I tasted her food at the party last night. Quite the fan of cumin, isn’t she?

VITAMIN
Well, you certainly don’t expect me to cook?

MADISON
I wouldn’t expect you to know where the kitchen was.

VITAMIN
Snowflake! Perhaps she’s under the hair dryer. Do pardon me, meh dear.

MADISON
Wow, look at all these Playbills. “Annie Get Your-self Back in the Kitchen,” “Of Mice and Menorahs,” “A Streetcar Named Desire.” No, wait, that says, “Desiree.” “A play by Kentucky Williams.” Desiree!!!! Oh, hey, what’s this? Vitamin!

VITAMIN
It appears Snowflake isn’t here.

MADISON
Yeah, look, I just found this note. “Vitamin, I went to–”

VITAMIN
I must stop you right there. Your lack of performance training has left you ill suited for reading aloud.

MADISON
Careful. Or I might be tempted to act out “Julius Caesar.” Oh, I’m sorry, I meant “Julio Cesar” written by Guillermo Shakespeare.

VITAMIN
Read the note, if you must.

MADISON
“Vitamin, I went to Gravel Gertie’s to look for you.”

VITAMIN
Gravel Gertie’s? Oh, dear! What if that J.P. Doom fellow has returned to threaten Gertie? My Snowflake may be in danger!

MADISON
How did she get the name “Snowflake?” In my day, that is not a compliment.

VITAMIN
We must get down there post haste!

MADISON
And if everyone’s names are related to who they are as a person. What does that say about Dick Tracy?

SCENE SIX

VITAMIN
Gertie! Gertie! Open up! There’s no answer. Do you think she’s home?

MADISON
She lives in a junkyard. I doubt she’s out at any high society functions.

VITAMIN
We should break the door in, shouldn’t we?

MADISON
There was a lot of “we” in that sentence.

VITAMIN
I suppose I should break the door in?

MADISON
It’s not gonna break itself in.

VITAMIN
Stand back! I will recreate for you the famous door breaking scene from “Romeo and Juliet!”

MADISON
There’s no door breaking scene in “Romeo and Juliet.”

VITAMIN
My production couldn’t afford a balcony. Trust me, it made sense within the context of the play.

MADISON
Just open the door.

VITAMIN
“But soft, what light through yonder door breaks!”

MADISON
Ha! You did it!

VITAMIN
That was not a prop door. I believe I just dislocated my shoulder.

SNOWFLAKE/GERTIE
HELP!!!

MADISON
Dude! There’s Gertie and Snowflake bound and gagged! Okay, beginner’s mistake. Only one of you plays the submissive, somebody has to be the dom.

VITAMIN
Meh darling wife! Let me remove that atrocious gag from your mouth!

SNOWFLAKE
Oh, Vitamin! I’m so happy to see you!

GERTIE
Put the candle out!

MADISON
What is Gertie saying?

GERTIE
Put the candle out!!!

VITAMIN
Meh dear, you simply must enunciate for your audience to understand you.

GERTIE
Grrrr!!!!

MADISON
Maybe take her gag out?

VITAMIN
Oh, yes. Of course. There.

GERTIE
Put the candle out!!! Them magnesium scraps are like to go up in flames any minute!

MADISON
Then, you really shouldn’t have a lit a candle near them.

SNOWFLAKE
We didn’t put the candle there!

GERTIE
It was them rats! They was tryin’ to kill us!

MADISON
Rats did this? Man, and I thought the rats in the New York subways were bad. Of course, they’re nothing compared to the rats in the Subway restaurants.

SNOWFLAKE
They weren’t real rats, Madison.

GERTIE
They was them two rats, Hotfoot and Gimmick. They come in here, and then they started–

HOTFOOT
Then they started what, Gertie?

SNOWFLAKE
Oh, no!

GIMMICK
Reach, you two!

MADISON
Reach for what? Do you have a bad back? Did you drop something and need help picking it up?

GIMMICK
Huh?

GERTIE
That’s them! The rats!

HOTFOOT
Perhaps my associate didn’t give clear instructions. Put your hands up and keep ’em there!

GIMMICK
I think with what I said, that was implied.

HOTFOOT
Okay, Gimmick. Looks like we got them all.

VITAMIN
Just what do you two hoodlums plan to do with us?

MADISON
Vitamin, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess — and you two can correct me if I’m wrong.

GIMMICK
Oh, yeah, sure.

MADISON
These guys–

GERTIE
Rats!

MADISON
Ah, yes, thank you, Gertie, these “rats” are gonna tie us up like Snowflake and Gertie here and then burn this place down with all of us in it.

VITAMIN
Is that true?!

GIMMICK
Yeah! And then Doom won’t have nothin’ to worry about!

MADISON
Ah! So it is J.P. Doom. Ha-ha, Vitamin, you owe me a dollar.

VITAMIN
Perhaps instead of a dollar I can give you a ticket to my new play, “Death of a Car Salesman.” I play Willy Low-Low-Prices Loman who promises crazy deals on all new and used Plymouths.

GIMMICK
I’d like to see that.

HOTFOOT
Just tie them up, Gimmick!

GIMMICK
Oh, yeah, sorry, Hotfoot.

HOTFOOT
That’s right, Madison, my beautiful fires were set by order of J.P. Doom. Whom you will never be able to bother again.

MADISON
But killing us? That’s a bit extreme, don’t cha think? Like, maybe start with a cease and desist letter?

GIMMICK
You can’t get paper near him. He’ll burn it.

MADISON
I had a boyfriend like that. They said he was a pyromaniac, but you can’t believe everything you read in the press.

GIMMICK
Hotfoot, you want the gags again?

HOTFOOT
Maybe just on her.

GERTIE
You’ll never get away with this, you dirty rats!

HOTFOOT
Don’t worry, Gertie. It will all be over very soon. Take that gag off of her.

GIMMICK
Sure, Hotfoot.

HOTFOOT
Just what are you laughing at?

MADISON
The gag was tickling my nose.

ANNOUNCER
With Dick Tracy out of town, what chance do his friends have of escaping the fiery clutches of J.P. Doom’s criminal henchmen, Hotfoot and Gimmick? We’ll join them again in just a moment! But first, I’d like to invite you to attend the meeting of the Dick Tracy Secret Service Patrol! Here’s Dick Tracy Jr., your patrol president!

JUNIOR
The 21st meeting will now come to order. Today I have another secret code message for you patrol members. Dick Tracy has told me, personally, that we can trust Madison Standish. So in order to decode this message, you must go to, “Madison on the Air dot com” to find the decoder key. Okay, patrol members! Get your pen and paper ready. Here’s the message! 7-4-16-14-17-4-15-20-5-17-26-21-24-10-20-14-17-8-23-6-20-1-20-23. If you didn’t get to write that down, you can find the code in the show notes along with a link to the Madison on the Air website!

ANNOUNCER
Thank you, Junior. And remember, fellas and girls, that’s a real message from Madison Standish to you. Follow those instructions because something very important needs your attention!

SCENE SEVEN

ANNOUNCER
And now we rejoin Madison, Vitamin, Snowflake and Gravel Gertie tied up and helpless as the candle burns down — getting ever closer to the magnesium scraps…

VITAMIN
How are you doing, meh dear? I can’t see you as they have tied me to this chair facing the other way. It reminds me of the time I played Mortimer in “Arsenic and Old Lace.”

SNOWFLAKE
Wasn’t Mortimer tied up to force him to hear all about the amateur writer’s play?

VITAMIN
Oh, indeed, indeed! The well meaning police officer — who fancies himself a playwright — drones on and on with Mortimer as a captive audience!

MADISON
How did Mortimer get out of it? Bludgeoning the loudmouth into a bloody pulp?

VITAMIN
No, no, no, nothing like that. You see, while the police officer–

MADISON
Vitamin. Take the hint.

GERTIE
If I ever get out of this here place alive, I’m gonna make them two rats wish they was never born!

MADISON
That’s about where I am right now.

GERTIE
That there candle’s getting mighty low. Awful close to that there magnesium.

VITAMIN
Ah! The candle is rapidly running out! Or is it the sands of time?

GERTIE
Ah, shut up! Ain’t it bad enough to have to die? Do you have to make with torture, too?

MADISON
Gertie, I’m takin’ you out for drinks after this.

VITAMIN
After we’re dead?

SNOWFLAKE
Oh! Vitamin. Surely there must be some way to get these ropes off!

VITAMIN
We’ve been trying for the last twenty minutes! Instead, why don’t I fill our last moments with poetry. Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player who struts and frets his weary hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more! Out, out, brief candle–

MADISON
That’s it!

GERTIE
You found a way to shut him up?

MADISON
I found a way for us not to die.

GERTIE
I suppose that’s good, too.

SNOWFLAKE
What are you going to do, Madison?

MADISON
I’m gonna try to burn the ropes off my hands by holding them over the candle flame.

SNOWFLAKE
Will it work?

MADISON
It did for Indiana Jones.

VITAMIN
How, pray tell, do you expect to do that while we are helplessly bound to these chairs?

MADISON
I’m gonna roll over to the candle.

VITAMIN
We’re tied together back to back! For you to roll, I’d have to roll with you!

GERTIE
Suck it up, ya blowhard, and do it!

SNOWFLAKE
Please, Vitamin! I believe in you!

VITAMIN
Oh, very well. It will be reminiscent of my performance as the swashbuckling hero of the forrest, clad in green!

MADISON
Robin Hood?

VITAMIN
No, we couldn’t afford the hood so I portrayed “Robin Hat.”

SNOWFLAKE
It was a marvelous performance, dear.

VITAMIN
“Ho! Little John! Tis the Sheriff I see! The Sheriff of Notting–ahhh!

GERTIE
Thank you!

VITAMIN
Oh! Ow! Ah! Oof!

MADISON
Geez, Dude, you weigh a ton! Maybe try becoming a starving artist.

VITAMIN
Ah!!! Meh dear, you have bruised my ego.

SNOWFLAKE
You did it, Madison! You reached the candle!

GERTIE
Be careful with it! If it gets knocked over into them scraps, this place’ll go up so fast we won’t know what happened!

MADISON
Not the pep talk I need right now!

SNOWFLAKE
Madison, you can do it! Rah! Rah! Rah! Sis-Boom-Bah! Gimme an M! Gimme an A! Gimme an–

MADISON
Ah!!!

SNOWFLAKE
I thought the next letter was “D.”

GERTIE
What happened?!

MADISON
The fire burned my hand.

VITAMIN
If you don’t hurry up, the fire will burn a lot more than that!

MADISON
Aw… that’s gonna blister.

SNOWFLAKE
Try again, Madison! Gimme a–

VITAMIN
Break, darling.

MADISON
Maybe I should just blow out the candle?

GERTIE
If you don’t blow it just right, a spark might ignite them scraps!

MADISON
I’ve got blowing experience. Oh, shut up, that’s not what I meant. I mean I have blown out the candles on my birthday cakes every year. Which really is a strange custom. To have the birthday person’s spit all over the cake before everyone eats it?

SNOWFLAKE
Hurry, Madison!

GERTIE
The candle’s so low! The stuff will catch fire any minute!

MADISON
Okay, okay! I’ll try again! If I could eat the lava filling of a McDonald’s hot apple pie, I can deal with a candle.

SCENE EIGHT
DOOM
Why doesn’t it burn? I thought you said the shack would burn down in about twenty minutes! What’s taking so long?

HOTFOOT
It will, it will. Don’t be impatient. It should go up in about thirty seconds. Come over here to the back window of the office and see it happen.

DOOM
No, no. I don’t want to see it.

HOTFOOT
You come over here, Gimmick. Come on. It’ll make quite a sight.

GIMMICK
No, I don’t want to see it, either.

HOTFOOT
The candle is very short, and what a blaze it will make! The shack is full of oily waste rags and magnesium scraps. It’ll be the biggest blaze I’ve ever set!

DOOM
Come away from that office window. Someone might see you.

HOTFOOT
On the tenth floor? What are you so nervous about, Doom? You’re getting everything just the way you want it. With all of them out of the way, you’re in the clear.

DOOM
But what about when Dick Tracy comes back into town?

HOTFOOT
We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

GIMMICK
Gosh, look at the sky! It’s all lit up. The shack’s caught fire! Look at it burn!

HOTFOOT
Well, that’s the end of Dick Tracy’s friends. They’ll never bother us again.

DICK TRACY
All right, put your hands up!

DOOM
Dick Tracy!

GIMMICK
We thought youz was outta town!

DICK TRACY
I was. But I came back as soon as I heard about the dirty dealings J.P. Doom had unleashed upon the city.

HOTFOOT
Well, it’s too late, Tracy! Look down there at that fire! That’s your friends burning up!

MADISON
Not quite, Hotfoot.

HOTFOOT
You! How did you get here?!

MADISON
Up those ten flights of stairs. Not an easy feat after you’ve inhaled smoke from a magnesium fire.

HOTFOOT
Impossible!

DICK TRACY
Keep your hands up, Hotfoot! The same goes for you two. Take their guns away while I keep them covered, Madison.

MADISON
Just a sec. Trying to catch my breath here. Woo!

DICK TRACY
Wait a minute. What happened to Vitamin?

MADISON
Lost him around floor six.

DOOM
You’re not taking me in, Tracy!

DICK TRACY
Put down that chair!

VITAMIN
Madison! My word! What, pray tell, is going on?!

MADISON
Dick Tracy’s wailing on those guys.

VITAMIN
It reminds me of the fight scene in “The Glass Menagerie.”

MADISON
What fight scene in “The Glass Menagerie?”

VITAMIN
Between the director and mehself. Broke every last one of those glass figurines.

DOOM
Stop! Stop! We give up!

DICK TRACY
All right, Doom. But I’m sending the lot of you to jail.

VITAMIN
Good job, Old Man! We couldn’t have done it without you!

MADISON
Hey! I was the one who got us out of there before the fire went up!

VITAMIN
Only by remembering — at the last possible moment — that you were still wearing Tracy’s two-way radio wristwatch. You could’ve called the police hours earlier!

DICK TRACY
Speaking of my wristwatch, where is it so I can call headquarters?

MADISON
Uh, well, that’s a long story.

VITAMIN
She broke it.

MADISON
That’s the ending of the long story.

DICK TRACY
All right. Vitamin, get on the phone and call headquarters. Tell them to send a trap over here to pick up three rats.

VITAMIN
Righto. You did it again, Tracy!

MADISON
Oh, sure. Dick Tracy comes in like some sort of deus ex machina and gets all the credit.

DICK TRACY
Do you know how much that wristwatch cost me?

MADISON
Yay, Tracy! Woo-hoo! You did it! Sis-Boom-Bah!

DICK TRACY
The next time these boys come in contact with anything hot, it’ll be the chair in the death house of the state prison!

MADISON
Yowsa. Corporal punishment? Little graphic for a kid’s show, don’t cha think?

DICK TRACY
If you don’t like it, why don’t you go back to your own show?

VITAMIN
Wait a moment. Madison, you have a show? Perhaps you could benefit from a trained thespian!

MADISON
Oh, no.

VITAMIN
“All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players!” I also do kid’s parties.

ANNOUNCER
And so ends another “Dick Tracy” adventure! Don’t forget, Dick Tracy Secret Service Patrol members, in order to solve the special coded Madison Standish message, go to “Madison on the Air dot com.” The coded message and the link are in the show notes! Remember, Madison is counting on you!

EPILOGUE
MADISON
Like many of the kid’s radio shows of the era, Dick Tracy started as a comic strip. It premiered in 1931, and in 1934, a college student secured the rights and premiered Dick Tracy as a radio show. The series was picked up one year later by CBS and ran as a serial with fifteen minute episodes. The following season, The Mutual Broadcast Network took over and by 1939 was running full thirty minute episodes. Unfortunately, the show was cancelled when the U.S. joined World War II, but returned on ABC and ran from 1943-1948. Dick Tracy has kept busy over the years, on television both animated and live action, in books, and indeed the comic strip, itself, is still producing new content today, but it was Warren Beatty’s appearance as the detective in the 1990 movie — that he also directed — which has put Dick in an unusual spot. Warren Beatty has maintained the rights to the character of Dick Tracy in television and film, and in order to do so, periodically over the last 35 years, has had to don the yellow trench coat and hat and reprise the character in order to keep the rights. Most recently, the actor, who is nearly as old as the comic strip itself, appeared as Dick Tracy on TMC. A lot of these low budget stunts are available on YouTube if you want to see them! What is Dick’s future? We’ll have to wait and see.