MADISON ON THE AIR: NICK CARTER, MASTER DETECTIVE – “Dead Witnesses”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: SEPT 2026

SCENE ONE

MADISON
What’s the matter?! What is it?!

GUY
Another case for Nick Carter, Master Detective!

MADISON
Why are you pounding on my door?!

GUY
That’s just how we always open this show.

MADISON
Don’t you know how scary it is to have a strange man yelling and pounding on a woman’s door in the middle of the night?! Yeesh. Talk about male privilege.

ANNOUNCER
It’s another case for that most famous of all manhunters, the detective whose ability at solving crime is unequaled in the history of detective fiction–

MADISON
“Unequaled in the history of detective fiction?” They not have Sherlock Holmes where you come from? Or are we on FOX News where they make up facts to fit their narrative?

ANNOUNCER
Nick Carter, Master Detective!

MADISON
And Madison Standish! Unequaled in the history of brilliant and drop dead gorgeous women! There. I said it. That makes it true.

ANNOUNCER
Tonight’s curious adventure… “Dead Witnesses” or “Nick Carter and the Mystery of the Murder Room.”

NICK
I’m glad you were able to have lunch with me today, Pete. I haven’t seen you in a dog’s age.

PETE
Between me bein’ on the force, and you bein’ a busy detective, doesn’t allow for much socializin’.

NICK
That’s very true. How’s your wife, is she–

PETE
Nick! That guy across the street! They got him!

NICK
Yes! Come on, maybe he’s still a alive!

PETE
He doesn’t look alive to me the way he’s all crumpled up there.

NICK
I’m afraid you’re right, Pete. Here, help me turn him over onto his back.

PETE
Okay.

NICK
Well, he’s dead all right.

PETE
Hey, Nick, would you look at who he is?

NICK
Our old friend, Louie Marelli, the gangster. Well, he’ll never muscle in on anybody’s rackets again. Certainly took care of that.

PETE
But did you see who it was in the front seat of that death car as it went by us?

NICK
Yeah, Pete, I did. Slug Barron.

PETE
Slug Barron in person. Do you realize what this means? We now have something we’ve been trying to get for the past three years! Evidence against Slug that will let us put him away!

NICK
This should be good news to the whole city.

FLETCHER
I say, do pardon me, but is he dead?

MADISON
No, he’s just sleeping with his eyes rolled back into his skull while bleeding all over the sidewalk.

PETE
Uh, yeah, very dead. Either of you know him?

MADISON
Nope. Just a lookie-loo gawking at the gore and violence.

FLETCHER
I’ve never seen him before, but I did see him shot by someone in that car that went by, and I think it’s outrageous that such things can happen in this city.

MADISON
Careful. You clutch those pearls any tighter, you’ll choke.

PETE
Hang on, you say you saw him get shot?

FLETCHER
Indeed. I just happened to look up from my newspaper as the car went by. Then I heard the gun shooting and I saw the gentleman fall.

MADISON
I saw it, too. And I’m really P.O.ed at myself. I get a viral video handed to me and I froze! I didn’t even pull out my phone. I’ve lost my influencer instincts.

NICK
Do you two think you’d be able to identify the man in the front seat of that car?

FLETCHER
Most certainly. He was a mean looking individual and that big scar across his cheek was very plain.

MADISON
He also needed a haircut, his mustache was crooked, and he was wearing a brown suit with black shoes.

PETE
You could see his shoes as he drove by?

MADISON
Why isn’t he grooming himself? Because with a huge scar on his face, he knows that’s all anyone is looking at. Ipso-fatso, he won’t feel the need to match his shoes to his suit.

PETE
So if the suit is brown…

MADISON
The shoes are black.

NICK
What if he’s just color blind?

MADISON
Doesn’t account for him not going to the barber.

PETE
That actually makes sense.

MADISON
You’re welcome.

NICK
Well, fashion sense — or lack thereof — aside, Pete, I think we’ve got something that can finally put away Slug Barron.

MADISON
“Slug?” The man’s name is “Slug?” Now we know why he’s so mean looking. Imagine going through life with a name like “Slug.”

NICK
I don’t believe that was his given name.

MADISON
Then what did he do in life to earn a name like “Slug?”

FLETCHER
He did just murder a man in broad daylight.

MADISON
Maybe the dead guy’s the one who started the nickname.

PETE
Look, would either of you be willing to testify against Slug Barron when we catch him?

FLETCHER
I certainly would. Such men should be put away where they can’t get out. Here’s my card. Let me know when you need me to testify.

PETE
Okay, thanks. “William P. Fletcher.” We’ll call you. How ’bout you, Miss?

MADISON
You want me to testify in open court against a dangerous well-known high- ranking gangster up for murder?

PETE
Yeah.

MADISON
O.M.G!! In all my years of listening to true crime podcasts I’ve always wanted to testify!!

PETE
Uh, well, good. As soon as we catch him–

MADISON
Oh, you gotta let me help! I’m so good at tracking down murderers!

NICK
Thank you, but that’s not necessary.

PETE
Yeah, uh, we have the entire police force and this is Nick Carter, the detective, so we don’t need–

MADISON
This is gonna be ah-mazing! So which one of you is driving?

SCENE TWO
RILEY
Nick, that’s the best news I’ve had in this department in years.

NICK
Have you picked up Slug yet, Riley?

RILEY
No, but the boys will be in with him any minute now and then with four honest-to-goodness witnesses against him, we’ll put him in the chair and strap him down tight and that’ll be a happy day in my life!

MADISON
Yikes. I’m always amazed at how much death penalty there is in these old shows. There’s no justice unless the bad guy dies! I get it, though. You don’t want: “Part two of Nick Carter — Slug Barron, now with a new lawyer, goes through the appeals process…” Not as satisfying an ending.

RILEY
Nick, remind me who this is you brought with ya?

MADISON
I’m one of the honest-to-goodness witnesses.

NICK
Yes, and she’s um… assisting in my part of the investigation.

RILEY
I see. Quite the… verbose one, ain’t she?

MADISON
I haven’t been verbose since the doctor prescribed me that ointment.

RILEY
Yeah?

DESK SERGEANT
Just got a report that a man was knocked down and killed by a truck over on the east side about two-thirty this afternoon. Apparently an accident, although the body was pretty badly smashed up. I thought you’d like to know, Lieutenant.

RILEY
And why did you think I’d like to know?

DESK SERGEANT
Because the guy has been identified as William P. Fletcher.

MADISON
O.M.G.! That’s the other witness! The self-righteous uppity one. Of course he was British, so I think that’s just how they are.

NICK
Looks like Slug’s up to his old tricks again.

RILEY
You think so too, do ya?

MADISON
Wait… you think Slug hit him with a truck?

NICK
I don’t think there’s much question about it. Slug finds there’s a witness. If the witness can’t be intimidated, witness disappears.

MADISON
Then consider me intimidated.

RILEY
Same goes for you, Nick.

NICK
Don’t worry about me, Riley. This won’t be the first time I’ve come up against “Mr. Slug Barron.”

MADISON
You can worry about me. I’m worried about me. Can we get a memo or something out to this Slug-dude so he knows I won’t testify so he doesn’t have to kill me?

NICK
Don’t lose your nerve now.

PETE
Hey, Chief– Oh, hi there, Nick, Miss Standish.

NICK
Pete, you got some good news about Slug Barron?

PETE
We’ve combed this whole town from end to end, including up and down and sideways and there ain’t no sign of Slug anywhere.

RILEY/MADISON
What do you mean there ain’t no sign of him?!

RILEY
If’n ya don’t mind, I believe I’ll chew out my own officers.

MADISON
Excuse me, but the Slug-dude does want to kill me.

NICK
Surely he can’t be the first.

MADISON
Well, he’s the most recent.

RILEY
Enough! I need to hear this report! All right, Pete, so ya can’t find him. He ain’t left town, has he?

PETE
I don’t think so. But we can’t locate him. Him or the death car. And nobody knows anything about him, either. Or if they do, they won’t talk.

RILEY
Well, if Slug’s still in town, Pete, and you guys don’t bring him in in the next twenty-four hours, you can all turn in your badges!

PETE
Okay, Lieutenant, I’ll do my best.

RILEY/MADISON
Your best ain’t good enough!

RILEY
If you’re a witness, Miss Standish, how ’bout you clam up till ya get on the stand, hmm?

MADISON
I have stakes in this plot, too, ya know.

RILEY
Can you beat it, Nick? For three years this Slug Barron has been head man in the city. Why, we’ve arrested him twenty times, and twenty times we’ve had to let him go because we couldn’t prove nothin’ on him. Now he kills this Marelli and four witnesses see him do it — and suddenly one witness is killed and we can’t find Slug anywhere!

MADISON
That pretty much sums up the episode till now.

NICK
We’ll find Slug, Riley. Your biggest job right now is to keep your witnesses alive until he’s found.

MADISON
I’m for that plan!

NICK
And don’t worry, Riley. I’ll go after Slug myself. I consider it self protection.

MADISON
And I’m sticking with you!

NICK
Now, really, Miss Standish–

MADISON
Look, you’re the lead in your show, I’m the lead in my show. And the leads never die! So we’ll be doubly protected if we stay together.

RILEY
She’s got a point there, Nick.

NICK
You’re only saying that, Riley, so she’ll leave your office.

RILEY
You was always good at discovering motives.

MADISON
C’mon, Nicky, you’re driving!

NICK
Of course I’m driving, I’m the one with the car.

SCENE THREE
MADISON
But, Nick, this Slug-dude is a dangerous killer who wants us both dead. Maybe we should go into hiding or something. Is witness-protection a thing yet?

NICK
He is dangerous. That’s why I’d like to see him put where he’d be on the receiving end of a legal killing.

MADISON
You’re bringing up the electric chair again?

NICK
And the sooner he gets there, the better I’ll sleep.

MADISON
Ah!

NICK
If you’re gonna help me, you’re gonna need to be a lot less jumpy. Answer that, will you?

MADISON
What if it’s that Slug-dude?!

NICK
He can’t hurt you through the phone.

MADISON
Clearly you’ve never gotten into a texting war with your ex-boyfriend. There are some very hurtful emojis.

MADISON
Yello. Uh… Nicholas Carter’s Office.

RILEY
Put Nick on, quick!

MADISON
Why?! What’s wrong!

RILEY
Just get me Nick!

NICK
Who is it?

MADISON
It’s Riley. What happened?! Am I in danger?! I’ve come up with a new name for myself for witness protection. I’ll be Chrisi Talyn Saje, a wanna-be television writer living in North Hollywood trying to write for fiction podcasts.

NICK
Give me that phone! What’s up Riley?

RILEY
Nick, Pete has just been found dead in his own garage. Killed by the exhaust from his car, the coroner says.

NICK
Pete? How’d it happen?

MADISON
Pete?! What happened to Pete?!

NICK
Quiet! I can’t hear him.

RILEY
His wife says he got back to the house about ten this evening. He drove in the garage and shut the door. About half an hour later, she suddenly realized that he hadn’t come in the house yet. So she went to look, and found the body.

NICK
Do you believe it was an accident, Riley?

RILEY
Not a bit.

MADISON
Gimme the phone! I wanna hear!

RILEY
It was Slug what done it. There’s no question about it. Made to look like Pete fell asleep with the motor runnin’. Impossible. Pete’s not that careless.

NICK
Madison! Let go!

MADISON
Ha-ha! Got it!

RILEY
No doubt about it. Slug’s gettin’ rid of the witnesses and you two are next.

MADISON
O.M.G.! He says we’re next!

RILEY
Nick? Where’d ya go? Nick!

NICK
Give me that phone! Okay, Riley. I’ll get to work right away. I owe it to Pete, as well as to myself.

MADISON
And me!

NICK
I’m starting to have second thoughts about you.

RILEY
Good luck, Nick, and watch your step.

MADISON
So what’re we gonna do?!

NICK
Well, Madison, there’s one thing in our favor. Slug will never shoot us down out in the open. He only does that with his fellow crooks. Fletcher’s death looked like an accident. Pete’s death looked like an accident. So if he wants to make our deaths look like an accident, it’ll make it easier to watch out for him.

MADISON
Or, and hear me out, we don’t go outside at all and instead barricade ourselves indoors so he can’t get to us!

NICK
Pete was in his own garage.

MADISON
I hear Wyoming’s nice this time of year. Ah!

NICK
You really have a problem with telephones ringing, don’t you?

MADISON
I haven’t had my ringer on since before COVID.

NICK
You mind answering it? My assistant, Patsy, is out of town.

MADISON
I wish I was out of town. Yello. Nicholas Carter’s office.

LUCKY
I’d like to speak to Mr. Carter.

MADISON
Who’s calling, please?

LUCKY
How ’bout I just keep that a secret to myself, huh?

MADISON
How ’bout I just hang up on you, huh?

NICK
Just… hand me the phone, Madison.

MADISON
Okay, but without caller ID, you’re goin’ into this blind.

NICK
Hello, Nick Carter speaking.

LUCKY
Mr. Carter, would you care to drop in on me and have a little talk?

NICK
Who is this?

MADISON
See? If you had caller ID, you’d know who it is. Of course, I never answer my phone no matter who’s calling. Ignoring people is self-care.

LUCKY
It’s not important who I am right now. The important thing is, would you care to come? It might be to your advantage.

NICK
In what way?

LUCKY
I know something that you’d like to know. I have some information that would help you in your search.

NICK
Oh? Where are you?

MADISON
You don’t know who it is but you’re going to meet him? To save time, you want me to type up your obituary?

LUCKY
I’m in the Cascade Nightclub. Will you join me?

NICK
Yeah. How can I find you?

LUCKY
I’ll be at the far right hand table as you enter the main dining room. Shall we say, about half an hour?

NICK
I’ll be there.

MADISON
Okay, I’m not here to tell you your business.

NICK
But you will anyway.

MADISON
Well, you need to hear it! Guy calls, won’t tell you who he is, you agree to meet with him while a big time gangster is looking to kill you?

NICK
I doubt that Slug would use the Cascade Nightclub. That’s a little too well known for him. And right now, I can’t afford to overlook any source of information.

MADISON
Damn your decade’s lack of internet.

NICK
This man’s voice interests me, Madison. Besides, it isn’t often that I get a chance to go to a nightclub like the Cascade.

MADISON
That a… pretty fancy nightclub?

NICK
One of the best.

MADISON
No! This is a terrible idea, it’s too risky and you’re liable to get yourself killed!

NICK
Shall I pull my car around?

MADISON
I’ll get my purse!

SCENE FOUR

LUCKY
Good evening, Mr. Carter.

NICK
You sent for me?

LUCKY
Yes. And may I presume this beautiful lady with you is the heavenly voice who answered your telephone?

MADISON
Let’s pull the plug on this, Nick.

NICK
What? Why?

MADISON
He’s a liar. He called my voice, “heavenly.”

LUCKY
Please. Both of you sit. Join me.

NICK
Thanks. Madison.

MADISON
I don’t think we can trust this guy.

LUCKY
Care for something to drink?

MADISON
I think we can trust this guy.

NICK
No, thank you.

MADISON
Waitress! Yo! Over here!

WAITRESS
May I get you something from the bar?

MADISON
Your most expensive anything. And make it a double. Put it on no-name’s tab.

WAITRESS
Uh, fine. Anything else for the table?

LUCKY
Nick?

NICK
No, thank you, Miss.

LUCKY
I’m coverin’ the check.

MADISON
Ooo! You got anything to nibble on? Chicken wings? Salsa and chips?

WAITRESS
I’ll… check with the kitchen.

LUCKY
Just interested in business there, Nick? All right then. Maybe I can help you with some information I happen to have.

NICK
Go on.

LUCKY
Mr. Carter, would you like to put your hands on Slug Barron?

MADISON
No one should put their hands on anyone without their say-so. It’s called body autonomy — which I find really hard to enforce in a crowded subway.

NICK
I’m afraid I don’t understand you.

MADISON
O.M.G. it’s not that hard. You aren’t supposed to touch someone, even in casual contact — like when you’re laughing and telling a story and your hand brushes the other person’s arm. That is an aggressive act.

WAITRESS
Here’s your drink, Miss. And a plate of canapés.

MADISON
What are canapés?

WAITRESS
Uh… toast points with a cheese and olive spread.

MADISON
This is even better than mozzarella sticks!

WAITRESS
Anything else for you?

MADISON
In about fifteen minutes, another one of these–and another plate of these.

WAITRESS
Very good. Anything for you, gentlemen?

LUCKY
A separate table might be nice.

NICK
Nothing. Thank you. As I, uh, was saying. You mentioned getting my hands on Slug Barron–

MADISON
Body. Autonomy.

NICK
I don’t understand what you meant.

LUCKY
No, I think you do. Let me put it in another way. If you live long enough to get your hands on Slug Barron–

MADISON
Ah–

NICK
Figuratively!

LUCKY
Right… “figuratively” — it means the electric chair for him. But I happen to know that your chances of living are none too good right now, either. He’s left you alone until he got rid of those two other witnesses. But now that they’re gone, your turn is next.

MADISON
Mmm, Nick, you gotta taste these toasty things. The cheese spread is to die for.

LUCKY
Speakin’ of “to die for” — how hasn’t Slug got this one yet?

NICK
I’ve been lucky enough to have her as my shadow.

LUCKY
I wouldn’t wish that kinda luck on my worst enemy.

NICK
Yes, well, “speaking of” my worst enemy, how do you know all this about Slug?

LUCKY
That’s not important just now. What is important is that you may die tonight, tomorrow, or next week, but whenever it is, you are gonna die. You won’t have a chance to do anything about it. You’ll probably be dead before you even know what the bullet that kills you feels like.

NICK
Well, all this is very interesting, but I fail to see where this is leading you, Mister…

LUCKY
The name is Lucky.

NICK
Lucky?

MADISON
Lucky? Who’s lucky?

LUCKY
Apparently you since you started taggin’ along with Mr. Carter here, Slug Barron has left you alone.

MADISON
Oh, I’m not worried about that Slug-dude.

NICK
Really? You seemed pretty worried on the drive over here.

MADISON
It’s called liquid courage. My inhibitions have been lowered and dopamine has been released.

WAITRESS
Are you ready for another one?

MADISON
You are so good at your job.

WAITRESS
Still nothing for you gentlemen?

LUCKY
Give me whatever she’s having.

NICK
I’m fine.

WAITRESS
Very good.

LUCKY
Look, Carter, let me level with ya. My full name is Lucky Marelli. The man Slug Barron killed was my brother.

MADISON
Oh! I’m so sorry for your loss!

LUCKY
Yeah, thanks.

MADISON
Canapé?

LUCKY
Nah, I’m good. I came to town to kill Slug myself. But I find I can’t do it alone. I can’t get to him, but I can help the police get to him.

NICK
You mean you know where he’s hiding out?

LUCKY
No, I don’t. But I do know something just as good. I happen to know that he changes his hiding place every other day to make sure the cops don’t trace him. The address of his new hiding place is left with one of his henchmen in an old fashioned safe. I know the house, where the safe is located, and I know that for one hour this evening that house will be deserted.

NICK
And what do you want me to do?

LUCKY
Well, I’ve had some experience in breaking into houses and opening locked doors, as well as locked safes. I’ll take you to the house. The safe will be open. You can learn Slug Barron’s hiding place, and then get your cop buddies to do the rest.

NICK
If all that you say is true, why don’t you get the address and bring it to me? The result would be the same.

LUCKY
Look, Carter, I’m a safe cracker and a burglar, but I’m no stool pigeon. I may help the cops, but I don’t hand them evidence they can perfectly well get for themselves.

MADISON
O.M.G., it’s like an escape room! We gotta get in, solve the puzzle and get out all in one hour! Oh! Let’s do it! It’ll be so much fun!!

NICK
Very well. Where will we meet you and when?

LUCKY
Lemme see. It’s five after ten now. I’ll meet you at five minutes past midnight in the doorway at the corner of Perry and Clinton Streets.

NICK
We’ll be there.

LUCKY
Uh, just one thing, you two come alone. I can’t afford to have anybody know I’m workin’ with the cops.

NICK
All right, Lucky. We’ll be there at five after twelve. And alone.

MADISON
Woo-hoo! C’mon, Nick. The band’s starting up! Let’s dance!

NICK
Sorry, but my inhibitions are still very much intact.

SCENE FIVE

NICK
Come on, now. Drink your coffee.

MADISON
I’m fine! I’m not that drunk!

NICK
Of course not. It’s normal to jump on stage at a nightclub and try to play the trumpet.

MADISON
It was the band’s fault for not keeping up with my tempo.

RILEY
There ya are, Nick. Why’d you get me to this diner way out here in the sticks?

MADISON
Oh, hey! Cop guy! Is he gonna do the escape room with us?

NICK
Uh, no.

RILEY
“Escape room?” What’s she rattlin’ on about?

NICK
Ignore her, Riley. She’s still four cups of coffee behind the cocktails she already had tonight.

MADISON
Do you think this place has pie?

NICK
Riley, what did you find out from the description I gave you over the phone of this “Lucky Marelli?”

RILEY
For starters, his name is Lucky Warren. He’s one of the big Chicago mobsters. One of the smoothest operators that ever came outta Chicago.

NICK
Oh. So, that’s why he looked rather familiar. He belongs to the E Street Gang.

MADISON
The E Street Gang? “Born in the U.S.A., I was– Born in the U.S.A….”

RILEY
She sure is stocious, ain’t she? Maybe it’s time for her to be hittin’ the hay so you can go after Slug yourself.

NICK
Can’t now. She is still a target for Slug Barron. And besides, Lucky’s expecting both of us.

RILEY
What kind of a line did Lucky hand ya?

NICK
Oh, told me he was the brother of Louie Marelli, the guy Slug Barron did in. And he gave me a song and dance about wanting to get Slug but not being able to get near him.

RILEY
And what was his proposition? Assumin’ he had one, of course.

NICK
He offered to open up a safe in a secret house and lead me to it. Said it contains the address where we could find Slug for the next two days.

RILEY
What a phony set-up. When you walk into that room, you’ll be riddled with bullets.

MADISON
Shh-shh-shh! You guys! I think I hear pie.

RILEY
Bring this one along with ya, and you won’t even make it to the room.

MADISON
Why do they say “As American as Apple Pie” when apple pie was invented in England?

RILEY
Of course, she might be able to draw their fire for you to get out.

MADISON
“Born in the U.K. apple pie was– born in the–”

NICK
Madison! There will be no pie if you don’t quiet down!

MADISON
I’ll be quiet.

RILEY
Nick, I think it’s a fool’s errand to go.

NICK
I gotta take this chance, Riley. After three years, this is the closest we’ve gotten to Slug Barron.

RILEY
Are you nuts or something? You two won’t last five minutes.

NICK
Don’t you see Riley? That’s true even if we don’t walk into this trap of his. If Slug doesn’t get the two of us one way, he’ll get us another. The only chance for Miss Standish and I to stay alive is to get him first. But I’m gonna need your cooperation for this plan.

MADISON
Does the plan involve pie?

RILEY
Ya know, Nick, we could still convict Slug with only one witness.

SCENE SIX

LUCKY
Right on time I see, Carter. And Miss Standish, good to see you’re still standing.

MADISON
You’re right. I am still standing. I’d much rather be sitting.

NICK
Get up, Madison.

MADISON
But standing is hard!

LUCKY
She’s supposed to be a credible witness?

NICK
You were the one who bought her all that liquor.

MADISON
Thank you for that, by the way.

LUCKY
You’re welcome.

NICK
Come on, Madison. Let’s get going.

LUCKY
Yeah, we don’t have much time.

MADISON
Fine. Help me up. Whoa! Tell the carnie to stop the Tilt-a-Whirl — I’m gonna puke.

LUCKY
C’mon, Miss Standish. The house ain’t far from here.

MADISON
Can I lean on you?

LUCKY
All right, follow me, Carter.

NICK
Boy am I going to have a story to tell Patsy when she gets back.

LUCKY
The door to the basement is open and the safe is in one of the upstairs rooms.

NICK
And you think there’ll be nobody there for at least an hour?

LUCKY
Yeah. The house will be deserted.

MADISON
Oh… I could go for some dessert. I never did get my pie.

LUCKY
All right. I’ve done all I’m gonna do. The door is open and the safe is open. The rest is up to you.

NICK
I hope your information’s correct. I shouldn’t like to be caught in a strange house rifling through the safe.

LUCKY
Who cares about the safe? Ain’t catching Slug Barron more important?

NICK
Yes, of course.

LUCKY
Here. You can have her back.

MADISON
This is not very body autonomous of me, is it?

NICK
I won’t tell if you won’t.

LUCKY
This is the house. Number forty-two.

NICK
Doesn’t look very inviting, does it?

MADISON
Are you a vampire? Do you need to be invited in?

NICK
Really, Madison, how much longer do I get to enjoy your intoxicated company?

MADISON
Is Lucky gone?

NICK
Yeah. And quite quickly, too. He’s no where to be seen.

MADISON
Great. Let’s do this.

NICK
Wait. You’re not drunk?

MADISON
Sure I am. I just hold my liquor way better than that. Seriously. I am a college graduate.

NICK
That was all a put-on? Why the show?

MADISON
So Riley and Lucky would underestimate me. This way I look like a liability to you rather than a help. So Lucky’ll think you’re not a threat because you have to babysit me, and Riley will be at the ready to help with the plan that he assumes I’ll mess up.

NICK
I would’ve liked to have been in on your little charade.

MADISON
This kept your performance natural.

NICK
Wonderful. Let’s focus on the task at hand now. This still could all be a trap. Basement is black as pitch. It’s going to be hard to navigate.

MADISON
No worries, I’ve got my phone.

NICK
That’s amazing! How do you get all that light from that little rectangular device?

MADISON
If I tried to tell you, it would blow your little 1940’s brain.

NICK
Is that so?

MADISON
Of course. It’s evolution.

NICK
Let’s head upstairs. Evolution, huh? Do go on. This intrigues me.

MADISON
Okay. Evolution is the change in inherited traits in a group of living things over many generations.

NICK
I’m with ya so far.

MADISON
Yeah. So, for example, your generation inherited big clunky phones that’s only function is to call people.

NICK
Head to the right. I think that’s the living room. Don’t stop now. Big clunky phones.

MADISON
Right. And my generation inherited phones that fit in our pockets and have like, hundreds of functions. In fact, we don’t even like to call people on our phones.

NICK
And that is evolution?

MADISON
Exactly! And as soon as the older generations realize humanity has evolved away from your outdated technology and submit to the new generation, the world will be a better place.

NICK
Submit to the new generation, huh?

MADISON
Or die off.

NICK
How about for now, I don’t do either.

MADISON
Fine. Don’t evolve. You’ll just be left behind begging your four year-old grandson to help you send a text.

NICK
Stop for a second. First floor looks empty. Must be all up on the second floor where Lucky said the safe is.

MADISON
This’s gotta be the living room. It’s still got old-timey furniture and stuff in it.

NICK
Been a long time since anyone lived here. This will do well enough for what I want.

MADISON
Whoa! Cigarettes? No, I’m sorry. There’s no smoking in here.

NICK
Hmmm. It sounds as if they’re getting nervous upstairs.

MADISON
Didn’t you hear me? I will not permit you to fill my lungs with your second hand smoke!

NICK
That part of your “body autonomy”?

MADISON
It’s part of my not wanting to die by your vice. I have my own vices for that.

NICK
Look, why don’t you head upstairs. I’ll be up in a minute.

MADISON
I can’t believe you are taking a smoke break in the middle of us trying to catch a dude who wants us dead!

NICK
I’ve got my reasons, just go.

MADISON
This is what addiction does to people. What the hell? No light in here, either? Not even from the street lights. Okay, flashlight, let’s see what we can see. Oh, no wonder it’s so dark! The room doesn’t have any windows. Dude! And this door is like the doors for the walk-in freezers at Applebee’s. I was traumatized by Greg Brady getting locked in Sam’s meat locker so I refuse to ever go into walk-ins without another person. And that usually leads to making out with the line cook. Oh, there it is. Hey, Nick! I found the safe! Looks like Lucky opened it like he said he would.

NICK
You’re using that bright light of yours again, huh? Mind if I give it a go?

MADISON
Look at you trying new technology and evolving!

NICK
What can I say, your argument moved me. Stand behind me.

MADISON
Why are you scanning the room? The safe’s over there.

NICK
I’m not lookin’ for the safe. I’m looking for– So, you’ve come to welcome us at last, have you?

MADISON
O.M.G.! It’s the guy with the scar!

SLUG
Well, Nick Carter, it’s been some time since we saw each other. Formally, that is.

NICK
It’s hardly my fault, Slug. I’ve done my best to find you any number of times in the past year or more.

LUCKY
Slug! Let me take a shot!

MADISON
It’s Lucky!

LUCKY
Seems like you sobered up pretty quick, girly.

MADISON
Why else do you think I ate all of those crapes?

NICK
Canapés.

MADISON
Whatever! The bread soaked up the booze. I’m barely buzzed.

LUCKY
So you played the trumpet like that sober?

SLUG
Quiet, Lucky. Come in, you two. I’ll turn on the lights, and you can close the door.

LUCKY
Now, look, Slug, let’s get this over with. Foolin’ around with Nick Carter is dynamite.

NICK
I don’t really see why you should feel that way, Lucky. Nobody knows where we are, so nobody’s going to interfere with you.

SLUG
You ain’t telling us nothin’, Carter. We made sure of that ourselves. We had two men shadow you and the girl from the nightclub to the diner where you talked to Lieutenant Riley. We had two men shadow Riley back to headquarters, and two more follow you when you and the girl came here to meet Lucky.

MADISON
See, Nick, that’s what I mean about the evolution of technology. All of the work and man hours that went into following us could’ve all been done with my generation’s GPS tracker.

NICK
Slug has been to a great deal of trouble just to walk us into a death trap. As corny and as obvious as this one.

MADISON
It really is a boring theme for an escape room.

NICK
Well, now that we’re here, what’s gonna happen, Slug?

SLUG
Carter, I’ve been waitin’ three years to take care of you, and I’m gonna savor every minute of this.

LUCKY
Are we gonna stand around here all night, chewin’ the rag or are we gonna take care of these two?

SLUG
Take it easy, Lucky. There ain’t no hurry. Carter ain’t goin’ nowhere.

MADISON
“Slug,” Huh. Now that I see you in person, I get the nickname.

NICK
It is rather appropriate.

SLUG
Shaddap!

MADISON
Sorry, didn’t mean to bring up childhood trauma. I got a nickname in seventh grade that still triggers me. Let’s just say that was the last time I brought a banana to school.

NICK
So, Slug, with the door closed the way it is, this room is soundproof, isn’t it?

MADISON
We can record a podcast in here!

NICK
I was thinking it was a lovely room for a murder.

MADISON
That would make a more interesting escape room.

LUCKY
Let me take ’em, Slug! My finger’s gettin’ anxious.

SLUG
All right, Lucky, but make it good.

MADISON
Wait, you mean a literal murder?

NICK
Remember, we were witnesses to the murder Slug committed?

MADISON
Ohhhh, yeah… Sorry, I’m a high functioning drunk, but my memory can get kinda whoopy.

LUCKY
That’s it! No more waitin’!

NICK
Get down!

MADISON
Clue master I give up! How do I escape this room?!

NICK
You’re lousy with a gun, Lucky! Let’s see how you are with your fists!

SLUG
Get outta the way, Lucky! I don’t got a clear shot with you in front of Carter!

LUCKY
Ah!! Let go-ah me!

SLUG
So, Carter, you think you’re safe as long as you got Lucky in front of you?

MADISON
That is the best deployment of the “human shield” I’ve ever seen! Instead of “bad guy grabbing innocent good guy,” we have “good guy grabbing nasty bad guy!” …Who the other bad guy won’t hesitate to shoot himself. Ah. Well played.

NICK
You killed him, but you missed me.

SLUG
So, I did. Now what’re ya gonna do, Carter? His body is pretty heavy for you now that he’s dead.

NICK
Not too heavy, Slug. He’s better protection than nothing.

MADISON
I’ll just… stand behind both of you.

SLUG
Okay, Carter, but you got no gun. So how long you expect to last?

NICK
Oh, I have no gun, but I do have a weapon. You ever think of that?

SLUG
Yeah? What is it?

MADISON
Yeah. What is it?

NICK
Lucky’s body!

SLUG
Gah!

NICK
Is Lucky heavier than you expected, Slug?

RILEY
All right! Now put the cuffs on that mug and guard ’em with your lives!

SLUG
The cops! But how–?

RILEY
Take ’em down to the wagon, boys!

NICK
Thanks, Riley. I’m about all in. Don’t know why I feel so weak.

MADISON
Dude! Your head is bleeding!

NICK
Just a scratch, it’s nothing.

RILEY
Oh, “nothing” is it? It’s bleedin’ enough for two men!

MADISON
The head and scalp have an extremely rich blood supply because the tissues need a lot of oxygen and nutrients. The scalp also has many blood vessels close to the surface, so even a tiny cut can nick several vessels at once, leading to excessive bleeding.

RILEY
That right, doctor?

MADISON
Told you, college graduate. I minored in being a fall-down drunk.

RILEY
What did you major in?

MADISON
Well… I’ve never been able to get a job in my area of study so… I’m gonna go with the arts.

NICK
Hey, uh, Riley, you got an ambulance with you?

RILEY
Sufferin’ duck! You got a bullet hole in your shoulder, Nick!

MADISON
So Lucky wasn’t that lousy with a gun.

RILEY
Good thing I thought to bring along a doctor. What a fool you were to walk into a trap like this, Nick!

NICK
I’m not in a position to argue with you, Riley. But you got your killer, didn’t you?

RILEY
Oh, sure. I got him after he almost got you!

NICK
Perhaps you’re right.

RILEY
You’ll listen to me next time, won’t you, Nick. Nick?

MADISON
He’s losing blood! Go get the freakin’ doctor!

RILEY
Yes! Yes, of course! Hang in there, Nick!

MADISON
You’re bleeding all over the place. Now it does look like the inside of an Applebee’s walk-in freezer.

NICK
I’ll be fine.

MADISON
While we’re waiting… Quick question.

NICK
Shoot.

MADISON
Ha, ha. I see what you did there.

NICK
What?

MADISON
“Shoot.” After you were just shot.

NICK
How ’bout you ask your question before I black out, huh?

MADISON
Right, sorry. Okay, so like, Slug’s thugs– oh, ha! That rhymes.

NICK
Madison!

MADISON
Okay, Slug’s… guys, followed Riley back to headquarters and us here. They knew we never got a message to Riley about where we were.

NICK
Right.

MADISON
So how did Riley know where we were?

NICK
I knew that this house had to be in this district somewhere. And I knew that around here, everybody’s so afraid of fire, that they’d report even a suspicion of one. So I had Riley wait with the fire chief at the nearest fire station for the alarm. When they got the alarm, they knew where we were and came running.

MADISON
What alarm?

NICK
The alarm one of the neighbors sent in when they saw the fire.

MADISON
What fire? Are you starting to lose consciousness?

NICK
Remember those cigarettes you didn’t want me to smoke? Well, when you went upstairs, I lighted three cigarettes. I put a pack of matches under the curtains in each of the three windows and laid a cigarette across each pack of matches. So each cigarette would burn for a couple of minutes before it set off the matches. When the matches went off, they set fire to the curtains and the other stuff and started a nice little conflagration. And within two minutes, somebody phoned in an alarm just as I figured they would.

MADISON
So… cigarettes saved our lives?

NICK
In a manner of speaking, yes.

MADISON
I feel conflicted.

NICK
You still thinking about testifying against Slug Barron?

MADISON
Now that he’s been captured and I’m not gonna be murdered… maybe.

NICK
Maybe? What’s stopping you now?

MADISON
Are you gonna take me back to the Cascade Nightclub so I can finish my trumpet solo?

NICK
Are you going to show me how that light of yours works?

MADISON
Deal! Come on, I’ll help you outside.

NICK
Thanks.

MADISON
Oh, man. Wait till I tell you about podcasts!

NICK
“Podcasts”? What’re they?

MADISON
Audio based entertainment. Like talk shows or news or fiction stories–

NICK
Like the radio?

MADISON
No! It’s nothing like radio! It’s from my generation. It’s evolved!

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Nick Carter, Master Detective” first premiered in American pulp fiction in 1886, a full year before Sherlock Holmes hit the stands. Carter would make his debut on radio in April of 1943 on the Mutual Broadcasting System. Originally entitled “The Return of Nick Carter,” in reference to his pulp beginnings, but quickly renamed “Nick Carter, Master Detective.” The series bounced around time slots throughout the 1940s, often competing against expensive star-studded Hollywood shows — only for our pulp detective to continuously beat them all in the ratings. From the same publication as “The Shadow,” Mutual found success in both of the pulp series well into the 1950s. But by the mid-1950s, Nick Carter was up against Eve Arden and “Our Miss Brooks” which finally knocked the detective out of the top spot. The show ended its radio run in September of 1955, but continued on in television, movies and books.