MADISON ON THE AIR: “BOSTON BLACKIE: MADISON’S FIRST MURDER”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APRIL 2023
SCENE ONE
RICHARDS
Now, sit down, Madison, and make yourself comfortable.
MADISON
I’m not sitting down. I wouldn’t’ve even come over at all if the past didn’t require so much in-person communication. Seriously, how do you people get anything done?
RICHARDS
Let me get you a drink.
MADISON
No! O.M.G. Are you a flat-earther? Because your reality appears to be a fictional delusion with no supporting facts.
RICHARDS
The only fact I see is that you’re here.
MADISON
I came over because apparently you can’t take the hint when someone is ghosting you.
RICHARDS
I love the way you make up words.
MADISON
We’re over, okay? The end. Roll the credits. No sequels.
RICHARDS
Only one half of us is through, baby.
MADISON
Yeah, break ups don’t have to be unanimous. This isn’t a murder trial.
RICHARDS
Well, you haven’t proven beyond a reasonable doubt that you really don’t want to see me again.
MADISON
Back off!
RICHARDS
I’m just bringing you your drink.
MADISON
Didn’t you get my letter? It said we were finished.
RICHARDS
You didn’t write that letter. It was written by your pal, Boston Blackie.
MADISON
Yeah. When my usual break-up techniques didn’t work, Blackie suggested I go old school and put pen to paper. But I was having too much trouble drawing the emojis, so he wrote it.
RICHARDS
So, you’re tossing me over for Boston Blackie, huh?
MADISON
Oh, please. He’s totally friend-zone.
RICHARDS
Well, in that case, there’s still room for me.
MADISON
Dude, are you stuck on repeat?
RICHARDS
Aw, Madison–
MADISON
You best stay where you are.
RICHARDS
Come on, all I want is–
MADISON
I know what you want. I also know that in the ’40s women didn’t have a lot of body autonomy. So, I brought this.
RICHARDS
Oh, well, did Boston Blackie teach you to point guns at your old boyfriends?
MADISON
This happens to be Blackie’s gun. I would never own a gun. Even if that judge hadn’t made that ruling against me.
RICHARDS
But, of course, you won’t use it.
MADISON
Don’t make me go “Thelma and Louise” on your ass.
RICHARDS
You don’t have the nerve.
MADISON
Huh. I guess that judge was right about me. Too bad for you.
NARRATOR
And now, “Boston Blackie”. Enemy to those who make him an enemy, friend to those who have no friends.
SCENE TWO
FARRADAY
Okay, Johnson, get those photographs. No use looking for fingerprints, Williams. With the fire, it’s all too badly damaged. Smith, scout around the rubble for the murder weapon. All right, Rollins, what’dya got for me?
ROLLINS
The body’s right where the fireman found it, Inspector Farraday.
FARRADAY
Shot through the head, huh?
ROLLINS
One shot. Went right through.
FARRADAY
Hmm. Gonna make it tough to find the bullet. How long has he been dead?
ROLLINS
Coroner says about ten hours.
FARRADAY
Then the guy was dead a long time before the house caught fire. Any identification?
ROLLINS
None.
FARRADAY
Well, his dental work will do. Let’s hope this guy saw his dentist twice a year.
ROLLINS
The couple next door said they heard a shot here last night, then saw a blonde girl leaving here shortly after in a big hurry.
FARRADAY
Yeah? Sounds like a good lead. Find out anything else?
ROLLINS
A guy named John Richards owns this place. This is probably Richards’ body.
FARRADAY
John Richards, huh? What else did you find out?
ROLLINS
Well, we ran across a safe that was unlocked. I took these papers out.
FARRADAY
Let’s have a look at ’em. Meh, just the normal stuff, all addressed to Richards. Well! What do you know about this?
ROLLINS
You find something, Inspector?
FARRADAY
Read this.
ROLLINS
“For the last time, Richards, I’m warning you to lay off or I’ll kill you.”
FARRADAY
And look who signed it.
ROLLINS
Boston Blackie?
FARRADAY
Yeah… “Boston Blackie.” Somebody better find me that bullet! Because I bet it’s gonna match Blackie’s gun!
ROLLINS
Why does the letter have a drawing of a peach with a line through it?
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Hey, Blackie.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Oh, I’m sorry you had to wait in the hallway, Madison. Why didn’t you get the doorman to let you into my apartment?
MADISON
Any rando person can ask a doorman to just unlock an apartment and let them in?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, I would’ve presumed he knows you by now.
MADISON
You’re referring to how many times he’s had to put my drunk ass in a cab?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Lately, it does seem to be part of his job description.
MADISON
Hey, I tip him 2020’s money. In 1940’s terms, each tip pays his monthly rent. So, I think he and I are good.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, come on in.
MADISON
Nah, I’m not gonna stay. Had a rough night.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Richards?
MADISON
Yeah. The dude is a psycho. No wonder I was attracted to him.
BOSTON BLACKIE
I’m sorry, Madison.
MADISON
I tried to call you after I left his place, but, like, no one answered the phone. Without being able to leave a voicemail, what did you old-timey people do? Just keep calling over and over until somebody finally answered?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Yup, that’s how it’s done. That is, until the day I can leave my apartment with the phone in my pocket.
MADISON
I know, that’s why I was asking.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Okay, well, you can get back to me when they make a phone cord long enough to reach the corner drug store.
MADISON
Cord? Never mind. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t think John will be bothering me again.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, that’s what we wanted, isn’t it?
MADISON
Yeah, no. You had some good ideas in there. Anyway, I’ll see you later.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Ah, say, I think you’d better give me back my gun.
MADISON
Oh, dude, right, sorry. That’s why I waited for you. I got it in my purse. Here’s the gun. I had to use it on him. Anyway, talk to you later–
BOSTON BLACKIE
Whoa, hold on there a moment. One shell fired, huh?
MADISON
Uh… yeah.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Would you like to elaborate?
MADISON
One was all I needed. Thanks, bye!
BOSTON BLACKIE
Madison, you’ve gone into more detail about why you chose the lip color you’re wearing. Now, how about the full story?
MADISON
I dunno. I told you he was a psycho. He wasn’t respecting my boundaries, so I had to do something.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Which involved firing my gun?
MADISON
Okay, you’re all caught up. Appreciate the assist. Later!
BOSTON BLACKIE
Madison, was it self defense?
MADISON
I feel like the answer to that should always be, “yes”.
BOSTON BLACKIE
I followed you to Richards’ place. I saw the body, Madison.
MADISON
You followed me? And what body?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Inspector Farraday will be knocking on my door shortly. He always does. I’d like to at least know the truth so I know the best way to lie to him.
MADISON
Dammit! I hate being accused of murder. That’s it. I’m outta here. It wasn’t me!
BOSTON BLACKIE
I might need to reevaluate my “friend to those who have no friends” motto.
SCENE FOUR
FARRADAY
Hello, Blackie.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Why, Farraday. What an unpleasant surprise. Come in.
FARRADAY
Can’t you ever be serious?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I’m sorry, Inspector, but you see, I was expecting you.
FARRADAY
Oh?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I got a fortune cookie telling me a stranger would be knocking on my door. And who is more strange than you?
FARRADAY
All right, Blackie, I’ll come to the point. Why did you do it?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I like Chinese food.
FARRADAY
Take a look at this letter, smart mouth. Did you write it?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Sure, sure I did.
FARRADAY
You certainly are stupid, Blackie.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Why? Did I misspell a word or something?
FARRADAY
We found Richards’ body, in spite of the fact that you went to a lot of trouble to burn the evidence. But, thanks to Doctor Harold Madison in the Bar Building, we got identification through the dental work.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, it sounds like you’re going to arrest me.
FARRADAY
I’m not arresting you, Blackie. This note was too easy to find. You wrote it to cover up for Richards’ real killer, Madison Standish.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Madison had nothing to do with this.
FARRADAY
I happen to be sure of my facts this time, Blackie. I checked up on Richards. He was chasing after Madison plenty. And Madison was at Richards’ house just before he was killed. I found the cab driver who took her out there. What’s more, I’ve got men at her apartment now picking her up for murder.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Aw, Farraday, don’t be a dope.
FARRADAY
Now listen to me, Blackie. I’m warning you. Keep out of this or I’ll hold you as accessory after the fact.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Such fancy legal terms. Excuse me. Hello?
MADISON
Oh, dude, thank god you actually answered.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Oh, hello, Shorty.
MADISON
Shorty? Do I have a bad connection? It’s Mad-i-son!
BOSTON BLACKIE
I can hear you fine, Shorty.
MADISON
Are you trying to make “Shorty” my new nickname? Because I don’t think you’re the one to come up with nicknames. “Boston Blackie”? The show is set in New York and you’re a super white dude.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, if you want to give the gang a laugh, Shorty, tell them Farraday is arresting Madison Standish for the murder of John Richards.
MADISON
Excuse me, what?
BOSTON BLACKIE
No kidding, Shorty. He sent some men up to her apartment this morning. They have her in jail now, I guess.
MADISON
Okay, on the run from the cops. Dammit! I don’t have any of my fake I.D.s with me!
BOSTON BLACKIE
Where are you gonna be, Shorty? I’ll meet you later and tell you all the laughs.
MADISON
Oh, okay. Um, I’m in a movie theater on 39th Street? It must be some sort of arthouse because it only has one screen.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, stay there, Shorty, I’ll meet you.
FARRADAY
Hey. I don’t think that’s Shorty at all. Let me have that phone.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Bye, Shorty! What did you say, Farraday?
FARRADAY
You double crosser! That was Madison Standish. And now I know even you believe she murdered John Richards.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Why, whatever do you mean, Inspector?
FARRADAY
And another thing! What’s with the drawing of the peach?
NARRATOR
We’ll be back for more of “Boston Blackie” in a moment.
SCENE FIVE
NARRATOR
Now back to our story. When John Richards was found dead, all evidence pointed to a strong possibility that Madison Standish was the one who committed the crime. Farraday had found a threatening letter to Richards from Boston Blackie, but when the inspector began checking up on Richards’ past, he learned that Richards had been bothering Madison and immediately dismissed Blackie’s letter. As we left our story, Blackie had warned Madison over the phone that Farraday’s men were in her apartment, and had told her to wait for him in a movie.
MADISON
Wow, that’s a serious recap for like, a one minute break.
NARRATOR
I get paid by the word.
MADISON
Fair.
NARRATOR
As we continue, Blackie walks into the theater lobby to meet Madison.
MADISON
Blackie! Dude, over here.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Hello, honey, you doing all right?
MADISON
I am so bored. This theater only shows one movie. How do they even stay in business?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I figured you’d be hungry by now. Here’s a little something to eat.
MADISON
Dude! We’re in the middle of the lobby! When you smuggle food into a movie theater, you gotta hide it until the previews start.
BOSTON BLACKIE
If you don’t want the sandwich, I’ll eat it.
MADISON
Gimme that! I cannot survive on popcorn and gummy Dots. Well, not without tequila.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Can you eat and talk at the same time?
MADISON
Why? Can’t you?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I ask because of, um, etiquette?
MADISON
What are you talking about?
BOSTON BLACKIE
All right, well, let’s get to the point then. Did you kill John Richards?
MADISON
You think I killed him?!
BOSTON BLACKIE
How about swallowing in between bites, huh?
MADISON
I di–I didn’t kill him! He was a psycho, but only one in a long running list of psychos I’ve dated. Trust me, I have other ones higher on the list who totally deserved more than just me slicing their tires and burning down their places of business.
BOSTON BLACKIE
It’s funny you’d mention fires.
MADISON
Why? You need one set? Revenge or insurance fraud?
BOSTON BLACKIE
No, um… look, Madison. Things are really stacked against you.
MADISON
I didn’t kill him, Blackie! I just fired the gun into the floor to show I wasn’t afraid to use it. And I was careful! I knew he lived on the first floor so it was okay for me to shoot into the floor. I did that once to a guy living on the second floor, and had to pay for his downstairs neighbor’s plasma screen.
BOSTON BLACKIE
It’s all right, Madison. I believe you. The second Farraday put the finger on you, I knew you couldn’t have done it.
MADISON
Why you hatin’ on that cop dude so much? You’re not even a detective. Aren’t you just some sort of safecracker?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Let’s not get off subject. The fact is, currently, all evidence points to you.
MADISON
What about ballistics? Won’t they prove the bullet was from other gun and not yours? They do that in the 40s, right?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Uh, yes, they do, but they’ll probably never find that bullet. A little while after Richards was killed, his house burned into a pile of honeymoon toast.
MADISON
Oh, okay, when I said I set fires, that was a long time ago. Or a long time from now. In the future. But my past. Let’s just say I haven’t had the sweet sensation of singed nose-hairs for quite a while.
BOSTON BLACKIE
But we know it’s Richards because Farraday had the body positively identified through his dental work.
MADISON
Well, if you want me to say I’m sorry the dude’s dead, I’m not. I’m just mad at myself for falling for those Jesse Williams’ freckles. Grey’s Anatomy has really influenced my dating choices.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Look, Madison, all kidding aside, you and I have got to chase down the guy who killed Richards, or Farraday will pin it on both of us. Now, who are Richards’ friends?
MADISON
No clue. We never reached the “meet my friend group” stage.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, what do you know about him?
MADISON
Uh… he had a business partner. Met him a couple a times when he came by the apartment a bit too early, if you know what I mean.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Remember his name?
MADISON
Emery? Maybe? William Emery? I dunno, I never trust my hangover memory.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, it’s a place to start.
MADISON
Great. Let’s go.
BOSTON BLACKIE
You sure you’re ready to leave? I wouldn’t want you to miss the end of the picture.
MADISON
The reason I’m in the lobby is because the usher kicked me out. Apparently shouting funny commentary at a horrible old movie doesn’t fly unless you’re a robot puppet.
SCENE SIX
MADISON
But, Blackie, if this Emery dude hasn’t been home for, like, two days, how are we gonna get into his apartment? I noticed you didn’t ask his doorman to let us in.
BOSTON BLACKIE
It’s all right. I have something else planned.
MADISON
Should I flirt with him? Ya know, me and the, uh, “girls” have gotten into many a V.I.P. lounge that way.
BOSTON BLACKIE
You can tell the, uh, “girls” to stand down. Remember how you mentioned I’m not a detective, but I do have a well-honed skill?
MADISON
Safecracker?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Any lock. Just gimme a moment here… That was easy.
MADISON
Daymn! That’s super impressive. Could you teach me? You don’t know how many times I’ve locked myself out of my apartment. It’s getting pricy replacing all of those windows.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Sure. Just let me know when you have a hundred years to spend learning.
MADISON
You don’t have, like, a weekend seminar?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Nice apartment, huh?
MADISON
Still confused why we’re hanging around this dude’s place if he hasn’t been here for a coupla days. Ooo! Mini bar!
BOSTON BLACKIE
I can’t think of a better place to pick up the trail of a killer than in the killer’s own apartment. Madison, put down that liquor bottle!
MADISON
The dude framed me for John’s murder. I think he owes me a drink.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Exactly, he framed both of us. And it looks like he killed Richards and skipped town. So we have to find something to prove that.
MADISON
Okay, so what could prove that?
BOSTON BLACKIE
That’s why we’re here. To look around and hopefully find something. So how about you put the brakes on Happy Hour until we’re off the hook for murder?
MADISON
I can do both. I’m a multi-tasking drunk.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Just… look around and see what’s in that room there.
MADISON
No problem, Mr. Crabby Pants. It’s a bedroom.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Have a look in his closet.
MADISON
Yeah, I got it. Closet, drawers, under the bed. Pretty standard searching places, thanks, Jessica Fletcher.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Nice looking library. Emery had either an appetite for literature, or a good eye for decoration.
MADISON
Ooo! Check this out!
BOSTON BLACKIE
Find something, Madison?
MADISON
If this dude, Emery, left town, he skipped a major item on his travel-prep list.
BOSTON BLACKIE
A suitcase, fully packed?
MADISON
Yeah. Sitting right on the bed.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, he was planning to leave, but had to pull out sooner than he thought, I guess.
MADISON
It’s already packed, though. Why didn’t he just take it? Isn’t that weird?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Interesting is a better word. Look at this, Madison. A cigarette that was never put out. It just went out.
MADISON
Didn’t you old-timey people start fires like that all the time? The worse thing I ever do is forget my yoga candle burning. I’d rather die smelling sandalwood than tobacco.
BOSTON BLACKIE
You know, for the man who planned the murder, William Emery was sure haphazard about his getaway. Clearly he was planning on leaving, but not when he actually did. And if that’s the case, maybe he didn’t murder that freckle faced Richards– Hey…
MADISON
“Hey” what?
BOSTON BLACKIE
You said Richards was freckle faced.
MADISON
Yeah, so? It looked good on him. They kinda went over the bridge of his nose like a little Milky Way on his face. The galaxy, not the candy. That would just look like a big turd on his face.
BOSTON BLACKIE
My point is, the man I found dead after you left Richards’ apartment didn’t have any freckles.
MADISON
Seriously?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I’ve got a hunch that John Richards isn’t even dead. Let’s look around and see if we can find a picture of Emery.
MADISON
Nothing over here.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Will you leave that bar alone?
MADISON
I need a refill.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Keep looking. Oh, a wallet. Might have something here.
MADISON
Okay, he might’ve forgotten his suitcase if he left in a hurry, but not his wallet. Isn’t that the old-timey equivalent of forgetting your phone?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Forgetting your “phone”?
MADISON
Right. When you realize you don’t have it, you feel like you’re missing a limb or something, and then you start to hyperventilate because you think, what if you didn’t leave it at home? What if you left it in a bathroom stall or on a table at Starbucks? What if some person has your phone right now and you’ll never, ever see it again? Because you know if you found somebody’s phone, you’d do everything you possibly could to get it back to them, but whatever disgusting, lowlife, creep has your phone at this very minute is definitely
the worst kind of person who is gonna keep it or sell it or–
BOSTON BLACKIE
Yeah! That’s… that’s a very good point. Okay, look here. It’s Emery’s picture on a hunting license.
MADISON
Ew. He’s a hunter? It’s the 1940s. He could literally be the guy who killed Bambi’s mom.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Yup, this is the guy I found on the floor in Richards’ apartment. Look.
MADISON
That’s not John! So he isn’t dead at all! It’s Emery! See! I told you I didn’t kill him. I might’ve left a hole in his carpet, and scratched his car with my keys on the way out, but that’s it!
BOSTON BLACKIE
We still have a little puzzle here. Farraday said the dentist identified the body through Richards’ dental work.
MADISON
How is that possible?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, there are some dentists who have a reputation for not turning away a dishonest dollar. Let’s take a look at the Yellow Pages.
MADISON
Why specifically the yellow ones?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Madison, have another drink.
MADISON
Will do.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Here’s the phonebook. Let’s see, if I’m remembering correctly, there’s a shady doctor by the name of Foster… and another one by the name of Lyndell.
MADISON
You want anything? Dudes even got some fresh cut lemon back here.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Uh, no thanks. Now, Foster… Foster…
MADISON
You ever think about when you die, someone is gonna have to come by and clean out your fridge.
BOSTON BLACKIE
They’ll be welcome to my jar of olives.
MADISON
I might actually have bags of salad that out live me.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Foster… here he is. Suite 727 in the Angel Building. Remember that.
MADISON
No address? Just the name of the building and you can find it in all of New York City?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Of course.
MADISON
I can’t even navigate to my own apartment. I have to hit “home” on Waze.
BOSTON BLACKIE
All right, the second one is “Lyndell”. Lyndell… Lyndell… Here we are. Joe Lyndell.
MADISON
And what’s the name of his building?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Suite 1010 in the Bar Building.
MADISON
A dentist in a bar? Ooo. I might actually be willing to get my teeth cleaned.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Hey, wait a minute. Farraday mentioned the Bar Building when he told me about the doctor who identified the dead man’s dental work.
MADISON
He went to Lyndell?
BOSTON BLACKIE
No, Farraday went to see a dentist by the name of Madison.
MADISON
Madison? Really?
BOSTON BLACKIE
He’s a bit more traditional. He uses Madison as his last name.
MADISON
Says the dude who goes around as “Boston Blackie.”
BOSTON BLACKIE
Anyway, let’s have a look at Madison’s office number. Madison… Madison… Here it is. Suite 1010, Bar Building. It’s the same office as Lyndell. We’re going there.
MADISON
Okay, hang on.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Where are you going?
MADISON
Fridge. Just because Emery is dead, why should his vegetables have a death sentence?
SCENE SEVEN
BOSTON BLACKIE
Dr. Madison?
DENTIST
Come in.
MADISON
“Dr. Madison.” That sounds so weird.
BOSTON BLACKIE
You know, my first instinct was to leave you in the car.
MADISON
I’m sorry, but the only time I’ve ever been called Doctor Madison was when I dated this guy who had a thing for hospitals and–
BOSTON BLACKIE
I wish I were here for a root canal. It’d be less painful.
DENTIST
How do you do, I’m Dr. Madison.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Boston Blackie.
MADISON
Madison. Just plain “Madison.” Not a doctor.
DENTIST
Oh, ha, ha, interesting. So, uh, my receptionist told me you want to see me about an identification I made for the police yesterday?
BOSTON BLACKIE
That’s right. John Richards.
DENTIST
The dental work checked with my records. Would you like me to show it to you?
BOSTON BLACKIE
No, thanks–
MADISON
Yes!
BOSTON BLACKIE
Are you telling me you know how to read dental x-rays?
MADISON
No. They’re just so creepy they’re cool.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Dr. Madison, I want to ask you about a Dr. Joe Lyndell. Who is he?
DENTIST
Oh, Dr. Lyndell is my assistant. But I’m the one who made the identification.
BOSTON BLACKIE
But Lyndell might’ve made something else. Is he in?
DENTIST
Uh, yes.
BOSTON BLACKIE
I’d like to talk to him.
DENTIST
Of course. This way.
MADISON
Oh, gawd. Why does just the sound of a dentist drill make my teeth hurt?
BOSTON BLACKIE
It’s like Pavlov’s dog.
MADISON
At least the dog got a treat. All I got was a mouth full of cotton and a foot long needle in my gums.
DENTIST
In here. Joe, some people here to see you.
LYNDELL
Yes?
DENTIST
Boston Blackie, this is Dr. Lyndell.
LYNDELL
How do you do?
MADISON
I’m Madison. Not a doctor.
BOSTON BLACKIE
I’d like to ask you a few questions, Dr. Lyndell.
LYNDELL
Well, Dr. Madison, here, is the senior consultant.
DENTIST
They seem to want to talk to you, Joe.
LYNDELL
Oh? Uh, about what?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Where’s John Richards?
LYNDELL
John Richards?
MADISON
Guy who’s always bragging about his so-called “business ventures”, but then you start to realize you’re always the one picking up the check?
DENTIST
I don’t understand, Blackie. John Richards is dead.
BOSTON BLACKIE
In name only, Dr. Madison.
DENTIST
But I identified the dental work that proved John Richards was dead.
BOSTON BLACKIE
You identified dental work from the mouth of a murdered man made to look like the dental work you’d done for John Richards.
DENTIST
What?
MADISON
Yeah. I second that one. “What?”
BOSTON BLACKIE
Wouldn’t it be possible for Lyndell here to match the dental work you’d done for Richards?
DENTIST
Why, I suppose. Using my materials, my drills, my records, and my technique. It’s possible, yes, but hardly probable.
BOSTON BLACKIE
I think it is. He helped John Richards kill William Emery, fixed Emery’s teeth to look like Richards, took the body to Richards’ house and set fire to the place so that the body would have to be identified by the dental work.
MADISON
That really seems like a lot of unnecessary work.
LYNDELL
Exactly! And how could I have brought a dead body into this office without being seen?
BOSTON BLACKIE
Dr. Madison, does this office have such a thing as a portable drill?
MADISON
I dunno.
BOSTON BLACKIE
I said Doctor Madison.
MADISON
Jeez, sorry. This is really confusing.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Do you have a portable drill, doctor?
DENTIST
We do.
LYNDELL
It’s broken.
DENTIST
Not that I know of.
BOSTON BLACKIE
You better tell what you know, Lyndell. Where’s John Richards?
LYNDELL
I… don’t know.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Look, maybe you’re not as deep in this as I think. If Richards alone killed Emery, you can get off easy if you talk.
LYNDELL
I tell you, I don’t know!
DENTIST
Good heavens, Joe, if you didn’t kill anyone, say so!
MADISON
Yeah, c’mon, Orin Scrivello, did you inflict pain and like it or what?
LYNDELL
I didn’t kill him! Believe me! Richards did. All I did was go out to Richards’ house and fix Emery’s dental work.
DENTIST
Oh, Joe.
LYNDELL
I had to do it. I had to! But Emery was already dead when I got to Richards’ house.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Where is Richards now?
LYNDELL
He left town. That’s all I know. Believe me! He changed his name to Robert Carlton. He thought he’d be safe as long as the police thought he was dead.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Pretty slick stunt, I must say. He would’ve been safe, too, when the police cleared Madison and me. They would’ve suspected Emery, and spent the rest of their lives looking for a dead man.
DENTIST
I’ll call the police.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Ask for Inspector Farraday, Dr. Madison, and tell him that from now on, never to look a gift corpse in the mouth.
MADISON
Aw, really? We’re going out on that joke?
BOSTON BLACKIE
You got a better one?
MADISON
Ya know what, no. The smell of fluoride in the air is making me wanna hurl. Let’s just get outta here.
SCENE EIGHT
BOSTON BLACKIE
Looks like it’s all over, Madison. Farraday picked up Richards in Chicago a couple of hours ago and got his confession.
MADISON
I wish all of my breakups would end with the guys behind bars.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Well, let’s hope you don’t date any more murderers.
MADISON
Still better than dating musicians.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Too bad for that Dr. Lyndell, thinking he could beat his rap because he had nothing to do with killing Emery.
MADISON
Would that be tampering with evidence, or mutilation of a corpse?
BOSTON BLACKIE
I’ll leave that for the lawyers to decide.
MADISON
Any clue why John killed Emery in the first place? I mean, it’s clear it was a douche, but not necessarily a murdering douche.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Emery must’ve caught Richards juggling the company books. I think he was going to turn him in. Richards probably threatened him and that’s why Emery was taking steps to leave town.
MADISON
The timing of this is all just so weird. Clearly John had killed Emery around the same time he was trying to get back with me. Was he expecting me to go on the run with him like some sort of “Natural Born Killers”? Because, no thanks. Woody Harrelson is a B plus average at best.
BOSTON BLACKIE
Who knows what goes through men’s minds when there’s a pretty girl around.
MADISON
It’s never the men’s minds I have to worry about.
BOSTON BLACKIE
To forget your worries, how ’bout I take you out for an ice cream?
MADISON
Make it a salad. I don’t want to see a dentist any time soon.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
Boston Blackie was created by writer Jack Boyle in the early 1900’s when Boyle was in prison on a robbery charge. The character first appeared in short stories in 1914, and finally as a full novel in 1918. Boston Blackie started on the big screen during the silent film era and eventually as a series of B-movies for Columbia in the 1940s which ran concurrent with the radio show. “Boston Blackie” had a 58 episode run on television in the early 50s, and even was adapted into a graphic novel in 2002. While sometimes a jewel thief and expert safecracker, and at other times a detective, there has been many a writer who tried to explain the name of “Boson Blackie.” Creator Boyle simply said the name “Boston” was from the character coming from New England, and “Blackie” because of his black piercing eyes. Oh, and FYI, the character really was named “Dr. Madison” and we thought it’d be fun to keep it in.