MADISON ON THE AIR: BROADWAY IS MY BEAT: THE TOM AND ALICE COREY SUICIDE PACT

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APRIL 2026

SCENE ONE

DANNY
Broadway is my beat. From Times Square to Columbus Circle. The gaudiest, the most violent, the lonesomest mile in the world.

MADISON
“Broadway is My Beat.” It’s one of the best noir shows from old timey radio. But, uh… I had a weird experience on this one…

DANNY
Broadway, it’s the place you drifted to because the other promises you made to yourself never happened. You leave your life behind and stand on a street corner beating down the scream in your throat. It’s the best of the thousand and one nights you’ve dreamed of.

MADISON
Okay, that’s Detective Lieutenant Danny Clover. He’s got all these great noir monologues. Like, really descriptive. But… well… you’ll see.

DANNY
Broadway. The one place in the world where something happens to you outside of the movies. It always happens. Something starts at the tap on the shoulder, the laughter that floats down to your end of the bar, the smile, the special delivery… the phone call.

TARTAGLIA
Your phone’s ringing, Danny.

MADISON
Danny? I’m Danny.

TARTAGLIA
Aren’t cha gonna answer it?

MADISON
Who are you?

TARTAGLIA
Sergeant Tartaglia! I think you been pullin’ too many late nights.

MADISON
Tartaglia. ‘Kay.

TARTAGLIA
Maybe ya best answer the phone, huh, Danny?

MADISON
Oh, right, yeah. ‘Sup?

WOMAN
You gotta help! You gotta come here! You gotta come to my home!

MADISON
Whoa! Hang on! I think you got the wrong number.

WOMAN
Isn’t this the police?

MADISON
The police?

TARTAGLIA
Yeah, Danny. We’re the police.

MADISON
Sorry. Guess it is the right number. Who is this?

WOMAN
Mrs. Corey. Please, please! My husband–!

MADISON
Your husband, what?

WOMAN
A suicide pact! He’s trying to make me– he’s trying to force me to kill myself! I don’t wanna die! He’s gonna make me–

MADISON
Hello? Hello?

MAN
Hello.

MADISON
Okay, who’s this? What just happened?

MAN
I’m Mr. Corey. I’ve just killed my wife. Now is the time for my dying.

MADISON
What?! Uh…. Don’t do it!

MAN
Goodbye.

MADISON
Crap! I didn’t know what to say! I never worked one of those suicide prevention hotlines! I worked a sex talk hotline. And come to think of it, one of the guys who called did threaten to commit suicide after talking to me. But that wasn’t my fault! I thought he wanted erotic humiliation. BDSM is so confusing.

TARTAGLIA
I’m sorry, Danny, but he hung up too soon. Couldn’t trace it.

MADISON
I’m gonna need a minute.

TARTAGLIA
Sure, Danny, sure.

MADISON
And maybe screen my calls so I don’t get any more murdery-death ones?

TARTAGLIA
You’re the head of homicide, Danny.

MADISON
Homicide? This is what I get for listening to all those true crime podcasts. Ah!!

DANNY
It began that way with a desperate protest against private agonies.

MADISON
Oh, god. Here comes his voice again.

DANNY
The protest that can’t face the loneliness of death and must kill the loved one so that the path into darkness will not be walked alone. The man, Corey, murdered his wife and then himself. And the glittering blood-spangled shriek for attention set into motion an old, familiar routine. The official collecting of the dead. But first we had to find them.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
I got the phonebook, Danny. By my count, twenty-five “Coreys.”

MADISON
Oh… kay. And you are…?

TARTAGLIA
Detective Muggavan! They’re pullin’ your car ’round.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Thanks, Tartaglia. You wanna split the Coreys in half, Danny?

MADISON
I… guess?

DANNY
The treasure hunt for the dead.

MADISON
“Treasure hunt for the dead?” Eh.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
What’s that you say?

MADISON
Didn’t you hear him?

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Hear what?

MADISON
Just me, then. Great.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
See you back here later, Danny.

MADISON
So, for this OTR zap, I’m physically presenting as a New York City homicide detective. And now I have to go out and find some dead people while this dude in my head waxes poetic about it. Could be worse. I’ll try to think of how.

SCENE TWO

DANNY
The first Corey was very much alive. She said so.

SEXY MRS. COREY
Nobody dead here. Everybody much, much alive. Come on in and I’ll prove it to ya.

MADISON
You’re “Mrs.” Corey and you live alone?

SEXY MRS. COREY
Uh-huh.

MADISON
No… Mister Corey?

SEXY MRS. COREY
Divorced.

MADISON
And you keep calling yourself “Mrs.” Corey? This is the perfect time to pick your own name! Not a name your dad gave you or the name your husband gave you! You don’t have to be affiliated with a man’s name at all! You can give yourself your own identity!

SEXY MRS. COREY
Then I’d have to change all my monogrammed towels.

MADISON
All my bath towels are beach towels. I appreciate the size and absorbency.

SEXY MRS. COREY
Love it. You see now? I’m all alone. Just you and me. Touch me. I ain’t dead.

MADISON
Ah. I almost forgot I look like Danny Clover to everyone. Who must be a pretty hunky dude. Sorry, baby. Maybe if we’d met in another place, in another lifetime.

SEXY MRS. COREY
What?

MADISON
Yeah, I better leave the noir monologues to that other guy.

BLUE COLLAR MR. COREY
Yeah, sure. My name’s Corey. Why do you have to know?

MADISON
Don’t give me attitude, bowling shirt. Which has a stain on it, by the way. Why didn’t your wife clean your shirt? You murder her?

BLUE COLLAR MR. COREY
Murder? What’re you talkin’ about?

MADISON
I’m here because a “Mr. Corey” killed his wife.

BLUE COLLAR MR. COREY
Killed his wife, huh? Guts. That takes guts.

MADISON
And you got no guts?

BLUE COLLAR MR. COREY
‘Fraid not. Wife’s in the kitchen washing out my work pants so I can go out and look for work. Come on, I’ll show her to ya.

MADISON
And I’ll show her that spaghetti stain.

WIMPY MR. COREY
Even if you are a policeman, it doesn’t give you a right to ask me a thing like that. I love my wife. We never say a harsh word to each other!

MADISON
Couples who say they never argue are usually the ones who kill each other.

WIMPY MR. COREY
That’s preposterous!

MADISON
Every relationship has to have communication. And screaming at the top of your lungs is communication.

WIMPY MR. COREY
Our communication is just fine, thank you.

MADISON
Then you’ll have no problem letting me see your wife.

WIMPY MR. COREY
She’s asleep.

MADISON
Seriously? It’s almost noon.

WIMPY MR. COREY
She sleeps this late every day. I was just preparing her breakfast.

MADISON
If I had a man who let me sleep till noon and made me breakfast, I’d probably never argue, either.

WIMPY MR. COREY
If you had a… man?

MADISON
Don’t get hung up on that. Love is love. Now I gotta see your wife so I can check you off my list of “Corey’s who killed his spouse.”

WIMPY MR. COREY
Very well. Fanny? Fanny. Wake up for a minute. It’s a policeman. He wants to know, did we have a suicide pact. Fanny?

FANNY
Suicide pact? Tell him no, but thank him for the suggestion.

MADISON
I can feel the love.

SCENE THREE

SGT. MUGGAVAN
You finish your list, Danny?

MADISON
Yeah. That was a morning well spent. I have successfully pissed off a dozen “Coreys.” Which hasn’t happened since I stalked Corey Feldman. I’d just seen a screening of “The Lost Boys,” I was in this vampire phase. Long story short, I never even made it over his fence.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Uh-huh… right. So, uh, didja find our “Corey?”

MADISON
No. No dead Mr. Coreys, no dead Mrs. Coreys. You?

SGT. MUGGAVAN
No. Maybe it was a joke, huh, Danny? A practical joke?

MADISON
Playing out a suicide pact over the phone to cops is some pretty dark humor. Although I wouldn’t put it past Corey Haim during one of his drug induced spectacles. Now there’s a Corey tragedy.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Well, uh, I didn’t finish my list. I got two more to go.

MADISON
So why are you back here if you aren’t done yet? This is the 1950s. I’m pretty sure there aren’t any union mandated breaks. You just work till you drop.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
The reason I didn’t finish Danny, I, uh, I had to come back to headquarters to… I just got tired.

MADISON
Uck. So I suppose you want me to finish it?

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Here, Danny, just two more.

MADISON
All right. Off to see another “Corey.” I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can… so I can… Yeah, those are the only lyrics I remember.

DANNY
Maybe Muggavan was right.

MADISON
About what? My singing? What did he say?!

DANNY
Maybe it had been a joke. Someone’s grizzly idea of a joke to play on the gullible police. There are people like that. And there are people who make a pact to die.

MADISON
No offense, dude, but you got some dark thoughts. Maybe see a therapist? Or how ’bout a potted plant for your desk? Plants really cheer up a place. Until you forget to water them. Then it’s just a slow, agonizing death. Geez, maybe I need to see a therapist.

DANNY
The first Corey on Muggavan’s remaining list of two was an invalid — a bedridden woman tended by her middle aged bachelor son.

JUNIOR MR. COREY
Please, won’t you come in? Stay a little while? This is the most interesting thing to ever happen to us, right, Mother?

MOTHER COREY
Close the door, you’re letting in a draft, Junior.

JUNIOR MR. COREY
I’m… sorry.

MADISON
Aw, poor guy. In my day guys like him get to troll women online to make up for their pathetic life and lack of masculinity.

DANNY
At the last place, the manager of a plush apartment house just off the park told me, indeed. Yes, indeed. He had a Mr. and Mrs. Corey.

APT. MANAGER
Oh, yes, indeed. They’ve been with us, uh, let me see, uh, five years, I should say.

MADISON
Okay, they’ve got some bucks. Which apartment is theirs?

APT. MANAGER
Three-A. You understand, of course, that solicitors and peddlers are not allowed on the premises.

MADISON
Actually, I don’t understand. What’s the difference between a “solicitor” and a “peddler?”

APT. MANAGER
Eh… a “solicitor” takes orders for items, but a “peddler” has the items and sells them direct?

MADISON
Okay, then why do the Brits call lawyers, “solicitors?”

APT. MANAGER
I’m sure I don’t know.

MADISON
That’s not a British accent?

APT. MANAGER
No.

MADISON
Oh. Just a snotty accent.

APT. MANAGER
What does this have to do with Mr. and Mrs. Corey?

MADISON
Oh, I’m from the police. See? That’s a real badge. Po-lice.

APT. MANAGER
Police? For Mr. and Mrs. Corey?

MADISON
So, which way to Three-A?

APT. MANAGER
Down this center hall, but we’ll announce ourselves first, shall we? Hmm. No answer.

MADISON
I lived in a building that had an intercom buzzer. When I came home drunk and couldn’t find my key, I’d just buzz every apartment until someone buzzed me in. And only twice did I stumble into the wrong apartment. Three times! I forgot Old Lady Kowalski. She thought I was her cat who got out. She fed me for three days. But when she tried to make me use the litter box, I decided it was time to go.

APT. MANAGER
I see. Well. It appears the Corey’s are not at home.

MADISON
I drove all the way down here. Grab a key, let’s go take a look.

APT. MANAGER
Oh, I’m sorry, but I must protest.

MADISON
Old Lady Kowalski tried to protest, and I scratched the hell outta her. Would you like a repeat performance?

APT. MANAGER
Very well. Here’s the key. After me, please. Oh!

MADISON
Dude! I love apartment buildings with carpet in the halls. Not having to worry about people vomiting in the hallway shows the place has real class.

APT. MANAGER
Yes. Here we are. Mr. Corey? Mr. Corey, I’m sorry, but there’s someone here from the police. Mr. Corey? Mrs. Corey?

MADISON
Use the magic key, huh?

APT. MANAGER
But I– I don’t believe you have the right to intrude like this.

MADISON
Go ahead, report me. You’ll be lost in bureaucratic paperwork for years.

APT. MANAGER
See? There’s no one at home. They’ve gone out.

MADISON
I love rich people’s apartments. They got the coolest stuff. O.M.G.! Is that a hi-fi stereo?! It’s the size of a washing machine! Ooo! That must be the bedroom.

APT. MANAGER
As you can see, everything is in apple pie order. What are you looking for? Why do you pry so?

MADISON
You wanna come in here and check it out?

APT. MANAGER
Certainly not! My position here comes with an expectation of respect of our tenants’ privacy.

MADISON
Are you sure? This is really good.

APT. MANAGER
Well… I should probably verify you haven’t touched any of their personal effects. There’s nothing unusual in here.

MADISON
There aren’t any Coreys in here.

APT. MANAGER
As I have already stated. They are not at home.

MADISON
Which means they’re dead.

APT. MANAGER
What do you mean, “They’re dead.”

MADISON
They’re the last Coreys on the list and they can’t be found. So they must be the dead Coreys.

APT. MANAGER
Oh… oh, my…

MADISON
Don’t go faintin’ on me. Here, sit on this chair.

APT. MANAGER
Yes… thank you.

MADISON
Dude, is this real velvet? I wonder if they’ll have an estate sale.

APT. MANAGER
If… if Mr. and Mrs. Corey are… well…

MADISON
Dead?

APT. MANAGER
Thank you. If they are, you might be interested in something. A woman called me just a while ago. She said she’d been trying to reach Mr. and Mrs. Corey all morning on their private phone. There was no answer, so she left the message with me.

MADISON
Geez. Life before voice mail. It’s like the stone age. Though I think the Flintstones had a pterodactyl who took messages.

APT. MANAGER
The woman left her name and phone number. They interest you?

MADISON
Shah. Go get ’em. I’ll be here checking out what’s worth buying at the estate sale. I noticed a jewelry box in the bedroom.

SCENE FOUR

DANNY
This time it was easier. The message was from one, “Zella Stanley.” The phone number to match was as easy as investing a nickel in the nearest phone booth, and telling Zella Stanley you were the police and asking her if she had been calling the Coreys and would she be home and I wanted to talk with her. Miss Stanley was in turn, noncommittal. Puzzled. Cooperative. Please come up,
Mr. Clover. The address is fifteen-twenty West 46th, apartment Two-A.

MADISON
I’m confused. Did the noir voice in my head just make a phone call?

ZELLA
Mr. Clover?

MADISON
Yes, that was me on the phone.

ZELLA
Please, come in.

MADISON
Nice place. I’d live in New York if I could afford places like you guys.

ZELLA
Thank you. Will you sit down? Let me get these things out of here. I was so tired when I came home last night, I undressed walking into the bedroom.

MADISON
Oh, I’ve been there, girl. Sometimes I don’t even make it to the bedroom. I wake up face down in the hall in nothing but my bra and panties.

ZELLA
Bra and… panties?

MADISON
Don’t judge. Some men like the feel of silk next to their skin.

ZELLA
Of course. Now, won’t you sit down?

MADISON
‘Preciate it. So, let’s talk Mr. and Mrs. Corey. You–

ZELLA
Don’t put me on the defensive, Mr. Clover. I want to help you with whatever it is. So just… let me tell you.

MADISON
Go for it.

ZELLA
I’d been calling Alice all morning.

MADISON
Alice? Oh! Is that Mrs. Corey’s first name? I hate how the past erases women’s identities. “Mrs. Bob Corey” like, what is that?

ZELLA
Tom.

MADISON
Tom… what?

ZELLA
Her husband’s name is Tom.

MADISON
Oh. I was just making a point about not knowing her first name. But I guess I didn’t know his first name, either.

ZELLA
May I continue?

MADISON
Please.

ZELLA
I’d been trying to ring Alice. There’d been no answer at her apartment.

MADISON
Why were you calling her over and over again?

ZELLA
I just wanted to talk to her.

MADISON
Just to… talk?

ZELLA
Sure.

MADISON
Uck. I hate phone conversations. I’m not used to giving my full, undivided attention to one thing. My generation multitasks. Which means we do a bunch of things at the same time really half-assed. Yeah, the future is bleak.

ZELLA
There was something I’d wanted to bring up to her. Something unusual.

MADISON
Ooo. Spill the tea.

ZELLA
Did you… want tea?

MADISON
Just go on.

ZELLA
Well, I was at the Corey’s last night for Bridge and there was something in that house that had never been there before. Something was wrong.

MADISON
Was it the hi-fi stereo? I won’t buy it at the estate sale if it isn’t working.

ZELLA
No, nothing like that. There was no laughter between the two of them. Silence mostly. And now and then a bitter word. I’ve known them for years. The Corey’s have been the cliché of matrimonial bliss. It, uh, embarrassed me. I left early.

MADISON
Doesn’t Bridge usually have like, four people?

ZELLA
Yes. Tom’s partner was there as well.

MADISON
Tom Corey’s “partner.” Maybe that’s what happened to the “matrimonial bliss.”

ZELLA
His business partner. Henry Fairchild. Fairchild? Of “Corey and Fairchild?”

MADISON
They some kinda rock band or something? I really don’t know your 50’s music. All I can think of is Elvis. Ooo. Then the hi-fi stereo probably isn’t worth it.

ZELLA
The Corey and Fairchild factory. They make small things, electrical parts or something. I don’t know, specifically.

MADISON
Okay, um, you got anything else from last night?

ZELLA
Just that Tom was depressed. Alice looked, well, frightened. I’d never seen Alice look frightened, but I think that’s what it was. Henry did everything he could to brighten things up, but it didn’t work. You go ask him. Ask Henry Fairchild of “Corey and Fairchild.” Ask him.

MADISON
“Corey and Fairchild.” Didn’t they record “Dead Man’s Curve?”

SCENE FIVE

FAIRCHILD
My secretary tells me you are from the police. I can’t tell you how delighted I am to see you. Delighted.

MADISON
Glad to hear it, Mr. Fairchild. Of “Corey and Fairchild.” The factory, not the rock band.

FAIRCHILD
Come over here, Mr. Clover. Quick. Come over. I want you to see something. I’ll draw these drapes back so you can see something.

FAIRCHILD
Look down there. What do you think of my factory?

MADISON
I think you’re lucky OSHA won’t exist until 1971.

FAIRCHILD
I’ll tell you what this factory is. It’s ten years of our lives, ten years of blood, sweat and tears!

MADISON
Are we back to rock bands?

FAIRCHILD
Ten years and he walks out on it! Squashes it like it was a… a… cockroach!

MADISON
Cockroaches? Again. OSHA. 1971.

FAIRCHILD
“Corey and Fairchild” is ruined. Destroyed! Milked dry. All that work sucked dry because he was greedy. Hungry for more money. Fifty-thousand dollars! Like he was taking it out of a piggy bank. Arrest him, Mr. Clover, go arrest him!

MADISON
I’m very confused. But I’m also a woman in a man’s body so I think some level of confusion comes with the territory.

FAIRCHILD
Go arrest my partner, Tom Corey! Arrest him for grand larceny! Arrest him for dipping his fingers into our till! Arrest him for being an ungrateful, greedy–!

MADISON
Slow your roll there, okay? Money problems have broken up many a rock band. You might still get a solo career. Are you the “Simon,” or the “Garfunkel?”

FAIRCHILD
You’re a police officer. Look at these books. Oh, but you wouldn’t know how to read these financial books. Give it to your experts, they’ll know.

MADISON
Did you just imply I am too stupid to read a bank book?

FAIRCHILD
All right, then look! There! You can see how month after month he stole five thousand here! Three here! Ten here! Two here!

MADISON
Okay, okay, you proved your point! I don’t understand any of this. So, when did you see him last?

FAIRCHILD
Last night. We were playing Bridge. He was moody, rude to his wife. To Alice. I tried to cheer him up. I didn’t know what was upsetting him. But of course this morning I find out it was all because of this!

MADISON
Dude, I totes get your feelings of betrayal. Imagine sharing a dorm room with your best friend from childhood, and then one day coming back from class to find everything you owned was gone.

FAIRCHILD
Did you call the police?

MADISON
She sure did. Thankfully I was in Cancun for spring break and Mexico wasn’t willing to extradite.

FAIRCHILD
Yes, well, when you arrest him, Mr. Clover, tell him I’ll make it a point to visit him in jail.

MADISON
Bad news on that front. According to a very disturbing phone call I got this morning — still a little traumatized — Corey killed his wife and then himself.

FAIRCHILD
What? He didn’t have to do that. He could’ve come to me. I would’ve– I’d have helped him. Honest.

MADISON
Thing is… we can’t find the Coreys. I know, embarrassing, right? But they weren’t at their apartment. Do you know any other murder-suicide places they might hang out at?

FAIRCHILD
Did you try their place on Fire Island?

MADISON
“Fire Island?” Isn’t that an LGBTQ+ vacay spot?

FAIRCHILD
I… what? They have a house on Fire Island. You think we should try there, Mr. Clover?

MADISON
Well… I’m a woman in a man’s body. I think I’ll fit in. Let’s hit it!

SCENE SIX

DANNY
And we did. Mr. Fairchild drove me out to the landing dock and hired the power launch that took us to Fire Island. Then the short walk across the bone-white sands to a small cottage. The front of it was draped with a yellow fishing net and life preservers whitewashed for the season. Starfish had been nailed over the door. The top of the door was a glass porthole. And the door was open.

MADISON
Not gonna lie. Thought Fire Island would be a lot more happening. Is it the off-season?

FAIRCHILD
Would you look at this? The door was left open. First time I’ve ever seen that here.

MADISON
Uck. Instead of hot men with Mai Thais on the beach, we’re gonna find stanky dead bodies on the floor.

MADISON
Okay, Alice called me on the phone. Do you know where a landline would be in here? Stuck on a wall or a table or one of those tiny closets?

FAIRCHILD
A… phone booth?

MADISON
Yeah, that’s it!

FAIRCHILD
In a house?

MADISON
I dunno, out back? Isn’t that sometimes where you put the toilet?

FAIRCHILD
Uh, I believe their phone is in the bedroom.

MADISON
Ah. Gotcha.

FAIRCHILD
Aren’t you going in there?

MADISON
Just trying to mentally prepare for the dead body. No matter how many I see one, I still get that pang in my stomach. Ya know, like the one you get right before the impact in a car accident?

FAIRCHILD
I… I’ve never been in a car accident.

MADISON
Ohmahgawd. Me? Way too many to count. Pang! And also, “ew, gross!”

FAIRCHILD
Poor Alice. She had nothing to do with it.

MADISON
Shot through the chest. That’s my worst nightmare. I think about my implants exploding like water balloons.

FAIRCHILD
I wish I could’ve helped her.

MADISON
Wait a sec. Where’s Mr. Corey?

FAIRCHILD
What?

MADISON
It was a suicide pact. He shot her, then himself. So where is himself?

FAIRCHILD
Oh, yes, of course.

MADISON
Dude, look! Blood trail! It goes out the back door. Okay… preparing for body number two.

FAIRCHILD
Well?

MADISON
I am pang-less. The blood just stops.

FAIRCHILD
But no Tom? Where is he? You said he committed suicide.

MADISON
Guess it wasn’t a suicide pact. Just your ordinary everyday murder.

SCENE SEVEN

DANNY
There’s this about Broadway, it wants everything neat and in place. A word misspelled on a spectacular can stop traffic. A girl lamenting a run in her nylons. Likewise, and for longer, the scream of the loudspeakers has to be adjusted just so. Even death and violence have to meet Broadway’s standards. The death of Alice Corey by a bullet through the heart. That would measure up. This violence committed upon her by her husband. Very poignant, very classy. We’ve stood in line for worse, huh, kid? A man makes a pact with his wife to commit double suicide. Kills his wife — only wounds himself. It’s hard to do when you’re hungry for dying. And harder still to be wounded and disappear from an island.

MADISON
He’s right. It should be hard to disappear off an island. I mean, it took the castaways three seasons to get off of Gilligan’s Island. Well, three seasons and a movie special.

FAIRCHILD
I still don’t understand. If I’d wanted to kill myself, I’d’ve succeeded. How could Tom only have wounded himself?

MADISON
Wow. Arrogant much? “Oh, if I was gonna kill myself I’d’ve done it right.” It’s so easy to be a Monday Morning Suicide-Pact-Guy.

FAIRCHILD
I only meant–

MADISON
Okay, listen: He starts by shooting Alice in the heart, right? Then, when he went to shoot himself, he flinched. Just wounded himself. Then — when he saw he wasn’t dead — he was all, “Hallelujah, Praise Jesus I’m-happy-to-be-alive born again.”

FAIRCHILD
But that means he committed–

MADISON
Murder. Yup. When someone kills someone else — not counting soldiers in war or police in the line of duty — we call it murder.

FAIRCHILD
I see.

MADISON
Where else on the island could he be?

FAIRCHILD
We’ve covered all of it, even places I never knew existed. I don’t mind telling you– I’m tired, Mr. Clover.

MADISON
Then he probably went back to the city, right? Fire Island isn’t part of New York City, is it?

FAIRCHILD
No, it’s not.

MADISON
Wow, so I’m totes outta my jurisdiction here.

FAIRCHILD
We can hire another boat down there at the landing dock to head back.

MADISON
Oh, wait! Wouldn’t Tom have had to get a boat?

FAIRCHILD
Yes. He doesn’t own his own vessel.

MADISON
You know those guys down there, right? Ask ’em if they took him across.

FAIRCHILD
Alright. Did anyone here take Tom Corey across today?

BOATMAN
Joe Graham did, Mr. Fairchild.

FAIRCHILD
Where is he?

BOATMAN
Just the other side of the landing. See his boat?

MADISON
Sweet. I got this. Joe?!

FAIRCHILD
Wait! Mr. Clover!

MADISON
‘Sup. You Joe Graham? Hel-lo? Are you Joe Graham? Can you understand the words that I am saying or do I legally need to provide you with a translator? Which I guess is pointless for me to ask since if you didn’t understand the first thing I said, then you certainly wouldn’t understand the second–

FAIRCHILD
Hello, Joe.

GRAHAM
Hi, there, Mr. Fairchild.

MADISON
You do understand me! You big faker!

FAIRCHILD
Joe, this is Mr. Clover. He’s a detective. He wants to–

MADISON
I got it now. Joe, did you take Tom Corey across today? Oh, come on! You just answered him!

GRAHAM
You wanna know, too, Mr. Fairchild?

FAIRCHILD
We both do, Joe.

GRAHAM
Yeah, I took Tom across.

MADISON
When?

GRAHAM
You say something, Mr. Fairchild?

FAIRCHILD
When did you take him across, Joe?

MADISON
Are you freakin’ kidding me? For once I’m actually presenting as a man and I’m still being talked over and cut out of the conversation?!

GRAHAM
Took ‘im early in the day– around noon, Mr. Fairchild.

MADISON
Did he say anything to you?

GRAHAM
Tell your friend I’m a very sociable man, Mr. Fairchild. People talk to me. I talk to people. People I care about, that is.

MADISON
How the hell am I supposed to get you to “care” about me if you won’t even talk to me?! O.M.G. am I interrogating this guy or breaking up with him?

FAIRCHILD
Mr. Clover asked you that, Joe, because Tom Corey is a murderer. He killed Mrs. Corey this morning.

GRAHAM
I guess that’s why Tom wasn’t very talkative. Had things on his mind. Just kept bitin’ his lip. Just sat huddled there. Didn’t think it proper to ask him why. Glad I didn’t.

MADISON
Okay, last question. Where’d you take him?

GRAHAM
Where I always took him, Mr. Fairchild.

MADISON
That was me. That was me asking.

GRAHAM
Like I’ve taken you, Mr. Fairchild, and him and Alice many times. So he could go back to your factory over there.

MADISON
Fine. Mr. Fairchild, ask Joe if he’ll take us back.

FAIRCHILD
Will you take us back, Joe?

GRAHAM
You and, uh… the detective?

MADISON
Yes, right, me!

FAIRCHILD
Yeah, Joe.

GRAHAM
It’ll cost you more for him. Hop aboard. I’ll take you.

MADISON
I haven’t had this much trouble getting on a boat since the “Pirates of the Caribbean” ride. I thought that bottle of rum I brought made the ride more authentic. Yo-ho-ho.

SCENE EIGHT

TARTAGLIA
Danny?

MADISON
Oh, hey, um… I wanna say… Tartuga?

TARTAGLIA
Tartaglia. But you know we are friends, and you can call me, “Gino,” Danny.

MADISON
Good, that’ll be easier to remember.

TARTAGLIA
It came through. I’m gonna miss you.

MADISON
Did I get fired?

TARTAGLIA
You, Danny? Why, this place would fall apart without you!

MADISON
I’ve had workplaces fall apart because of me.

TARTAGLIA
Well, thanks in part to yours truly’s recommendation to Captain Julius that perchance you were being over worked to the bone– said Captain did henceforth give his personal “okay” to a vacation request for one Lieutenant Danny Clover. Of which I now present, forth with.

MADISON
Vaycay? For reals?

TARTAGLIA
Much deserved and much overdue. So, where are you going, Danny? For I have been mulling over the travel folders — me and Mrs. Tartaglia. And we feel the place for you is Meh-hico.

MADISON
Really, you think Mexico?

TARTAGLIA
Sí, in Ensenada, in Meh-hico, in the Riviera Pacífico. Imagine you with a serafia over your shoulder. Maracas on your feet, and “La Cucaracha” on your lips. Sí. Meh-hico, mon amigo.

MADISON
“Gino Tartaglia.” Aren’t you Italian? You couldn’t even accidentally get some of those Spanish words correct?

DR. HASKELL
Lieutenant Clover? They told me to come right in. I’m Dr. Haskell.

MADISON
Sorry, can’t help you. I’m on vaycay!

TARTAGLIA
Well, effective at the end of your work, Danny.

MADISON
What time am I supposed to be off?

TARTAGLIA
When the case is solved.

MADISON
Uck! You teased me with this vacation thing. See if I bring you any souvenirs back from “Meh-hico.”

DR. HASKELL
They said you’d want to see me.

MADISON
Oh… kay. If this is for a physical, I can explain why I don’t have a prostate.

DR. HASKELL
No, I was told that you were working on something that might have something to do with what I want to see you about.

MADISON
This blank expression is because I have no idea what you just said.

TARTAGLIA
I’ll see that you’re not disturbed, Danny.

MADISON
You don’t want to hang around and help me figure out what he’s talking about?

TARTAGLIA
I am merely a desk sergeant. Solving puzzles is for lieutenants who get vacation requests approved.

MADISON
Okay. Uh… You wanna run all that by me again?

DR. HASKELL
I’ll explain it. About twenty minutes ago, a man forced his way into my office. I say forced himself because he had a gun.

MADISON
Daymn. What’d he look like?

DR. HASKELL
About forty, strongly built. I wrote it all down here because I knew you’d wanna know. Here. I knew you’d ask me.

MADISON
This happened about twenty minutes ago? Oh, dude! Did he have a bullet wound?

DR. HASKELL
Yes. How did you know?

MADISON
Sorry, Doc. We’re already on page thirty-eight. Way too much to review. Just lemme know, was he hurt real bad?

DR. HASKELL
He’ll die unless there’s a miracle. I gave him plasma, extracted the bullet– he was shot under the heart. He wouldn’t let me give him anesthetic. Unless he’s found immediately, he’ll die.

MADISON
Why didn’t you keep him there? You just operated on him and kicked him out? What’re you, part of an HMO?

DR. HASKELL
No, I told you, he had a gun.

MADISON
I should try that the next time I’m refused a referral.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Just came in, Danny, over the teletype.

MADISON
So much for no one disturbing me, Gino!

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Danny, its important.

TARTAGLIA
He said it was important!

MADISON
Fine. What. This is cutting into my leaving for vacay.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
It’s an item about a woman you talked to earlier. Zella Stanley.

MADISON
O-kay. What about her?

SGT. MUGGAVAN
She was found in her apartment shot to death.

MADISON
Dang. She had some expensive stuff. I wonder if she’s gonna have an estate sale.

SCENE NINE
SOUND: RADIO MUSIC LIGHTLY PLAYING (MUFFLED) BEHIND…

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Pretty expensive dress she’s wearing, huh, Danny?

MADISON
Yeah, but even if I could get those blood stains out, I got at least a cup size on her. I’d be squished in there like cat in a shoebox.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
She must’ve been very pretty once.

MADISON
Before the gaping hole in her chest? Definitely.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Way she’s lying, he must’ve shot her the minute she opened the door. Fell back, came right out of her shoes.

MADISON
Ooo. Those are cute shoes. Check to see if they have any blood splatter.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Maybe we should go look in the bedroom, Danny?

MADISON
I call dibs on anything in a size six.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Sure. Okay, Danny. Aw, look at that. Radio-photograph combo. Also very expensive.

MADISON
It’s so crazy to think how much money people spend on technology that just goes obsolete. I can’t even imagine what iPhone number they’re up to now. When I finally get back, my iPhone 12 will be as outdated as that radio-record player.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Look around, Danny. The bed, also the furnishings. Very expensive. Wonder how she managed. Maybe she was rich, huh?

MADISON
Or maybe she had a sugar daddy?

SGT. MUGGAVAN
A what?

MADISON
Check out these men’s shirts in her closet. Oh, snap. Look at this robe. It has the initials “T.C.” Tom Corey.

SGT. MUGGAVAN
Embroidered initials in silk. Wish I could afford things like that.

MADISON
You could get your own sugar daddy. We’ll hit Fire Island and find you one.

SCENE TEN

DANNY
So it began to take shape.

MADISON
Oh. Noir monologue guy is back. Thought I lost you.

DANNY
Tom Corey had killed his wife, turned the gun on himself, had missed his heart. Then he had decided to rid himself of the source of his trouble, Zella Stanley. Committed grand larceny. Committed murder. Two murders. Now he was a dying man someplace in the city. Find him. We tried all points bulletins, newspaper releases, calling the hospitals– then back to headquarters and wait.

MADISON
So have days passed then? I haven’t slept this whole time. Can’t you throw in a, “I went home and got a solid eight hours” or something?

DANNY
Then nod to a man who nudged his head through a door and listen to his story.

MADISON
Uck! This case is taking for-ever!

HOTEL MANAGER
I run the Diamond Hotel on 37th Street. A little while ago, a man came into my place to register.

MADISON
No offense, but I haven’t slept in days so, explain to me why listening to you is more important than my taking a nap.

HOTEL MANAGER
I’ve worked in hotels for years. I can sense things about people. When things aren’t right.

MADISON
I get that. When you work customer service, you gotta prepare for the next Turbo Karen to cross your path, so you start looking for the red flags in everyone. “Let’s see, who here is dissatisfied with their life and wants to take it out on a customer service employee who has no choice but to suffer the abuse?”

HOTEL MANAGER
I’ll tell you what I first noticed. The man had no bags. I saw that right away when I handed him the pen to write.

MADISON
Not unusual if you run one of those hotels that rent by the hour.

HOTEL MANAGER
I do not!

MADISON
Darn. I was gonna ask how much you charged.

HOTEL MANAGER
There’s more. He say, “You write my name for me. It’s Smith.” That’s what he say. “Write ‘John Smith’.” I say, why? He say, “Because I got my hands in my pockets That’s why.” I say, oh, do you–?

MADISON
You either make your point or I am face planting on my desk for a nap.

HOTEL MANAGER
The point is this. I look over the desk at his hands in his pockets just to see. What I see is the side of his coat– bloody. Then, he got kee-gee.

MADISON
Kee-gee?

HOTEL MANAGER
Da. Kee-gee. I say, “How long you want the room? Months, days, week?” And he look funny and say all he want to do was rest a while. I say, “Uh-uh!” Because I see trouble. He leave. I come here. I did right, didn’t I?

TARTAGLIA
Phone’s ringin’, Danny. Aw, poor Danny. Danny Clover’s office, Sergeant Tartaglia speaking.

MRS. BARRY
There’s a man in my house!

TARTAGLIA
To whom am I speaking?

MRS. BARRY
Mrs. Barry. I live on West 57th Street, twelve-oh-nine. I’m frightened! There’s a man–

TARTAGLIA
One moment, one moment! Let me get the Lieutenant. Danny. Hey, Danny. There’s a woman on the phone for ya.

MADISON
This is so weird. I was dreaming my balls itch.

TARTAGLIA
Uh, Danny?

MADISON
Danny? I’m Danny! So, I must’ve been dreaming that Danny’s balls itch.

MRS. BARRY
Hello?! Hello?!

TARTAGLIA
There’s a Mrs. Barry on the phone for ya, Danny. Says there’s a man in her house.

MADISON
So?

TARTAGLIA
Uh… a man who presumably is not meant to be there?

MADISON
Gimme the phone. Okay, what’s goin’ on?

MRS. BARRY
The man in my house. He rang my bell and pointed a gun at me and walked inside.

MADISON
Daymn. How long ago did he leave?

MRS. BARRY
He’s still here!

MADISON
What’re you, calling from a closet or something?

MRS. BARRY
No. He… he looked tired. He sat in the big chair in the parlor. He fell asleep. He’s there now, sleeping.

MADISON
I’ll be right there. Oh, hey, if he wakes up, could you ask him if his balls itch?

TARTAGLIA
Danny! What are you talking about?

MADISON
I dunno, do all men’s balls itch when they wake up?

TARTAGLIA
I’ll… get a car sent around for you, Danny.

MRS. BARRY
Can’t you understand? He’s gone!

MADISON
You called me like, ten minutes ago!

MRS. BARRY
But you didn’t get here for thirty minutes!

MADISON
I just woke up. I had to stop for a coffee on the way! And some talcum powder. It’s like a phantom itch.

MRS. BARRY
Well, he was sitting in that chair sleeping. He woke up and left!

MADISON
Okay! Geez, you’re yelling at me like it’s my fault. Here’s a hint: next time a guy comes knocking on your door, don’t let him in.

MRS. BARRY
He had a gun!

MADISON
All the more reason not to let him in.

MRS. BARRY
He had a gun pointed at my nose! What did you want me to do? Hit him over the head with a candlestick?

MADISON
It worked for Miss Scarlett.

MRS. BARRY
And would you look at that! He left blood all over my rug. Who’s going to pay to clean it? Mr. Clover? Mr. Clover! Now you’re sleeping in my chair!

SCENE ELEVEN

DANNY
Back to headquarters again. Then a phone call from a pedestrian who had just seen a man who fit Tom Corey’s description on West 62nd. The man was staggering, Mr. Clover. So Mr. Clover dispatched a squad car to the area. The man was nowhere in sight. Then Mr. Clover sat down and thought about it.

MADISON
Is it because I’m tired or you’re tired that you’re referring to yourself in the third person?

DANNY
Tom Corey left Fire Island by boat. Found a doctor on 12th Street in the village. Put a thumbtack on the map. Put a thumbtack on the map.

MADISON
Oh, I’m sorry, am I supposed to– I mean, you made that phone call earlier so I thought you could–

DANNY
Tom Corey tried to get a room at the Diamond Hotel on West 37th– Thumbtack.

MADISON
West 37th… uh… got it!

DANNY
Tom Corey had murdered Zella Stanley, West 46th– Thumbtack.

MADISON
Got it.

DANNY
Tom Corey had been asleep in a parlor on West 57th– Thumbtack. Then a phone call. Man, probably Tom Corey, seen staggering on West 62nd– Thumbtack. Tom Corey was headed uptown.

MADISON
Wait! I’m still looking for West 57th.

DANNY
Tom Corey was crazed with pain. Then a recheck in my notebook. Tom Corey had a partner named Henry Fairchild. Henry Fairchild lived uptown. He lived on West 70th. Maybe I could get there before Tom Corey.

FAIRCHILD
Who is it?

MADISON
Open up! It’s the police! I’ve always wanted to do that. Did I sound menacing? I wanted to sound menacing.

FAIRCHILD
Come in, quickly. I’m glad it’s you.

MADISON
Somethin’ got you spooked?

FAIRCHILD
Huh? What?

MADISON
You just bolted the door. The only time I bolted a door that fast was when my boyfriend’s ex came looking for him. She was all pounding on the door and threatening me like a real crazy B-to-the-itch, right? Turns out, not an ex. Still married.

FAIRCHILD
Well… I read it in the newspapers that Tom is still on the loose.

MADISON
You think he’ll be crazy like my boyfriend’s ex who wasn’t actually an ex?

FAIRCHILD
Of course! Isn’t it obvious?! Tom killed his wife. Killed Zella. Now he’s on his way here! Isn’t that why you came here? You knew he would come here!

MADISON
I’m just curious how you came to that answer. Can you show your work?

FAIRCHILD
Well… Tom is out of his mind! He killed Zella, didn’t he? You know why, too, don’t you? You found his shirts there, didn’t you? At Zella’s?

MADISON
That is a very good point. That wasn’t in the newspapers.

FAIRCHILD
Well, I know it wasn’t. It’s simply that… Tom told me all about it. About Tom and Zella and how expensive she was. That’s why he stole all that money!

MADISON
Oh, yeah, being a sugar daddy is not cheap. It’s like buying a high end sports car. Some guys want one so bad that they get one even though they can’t make the payments. And then the girl gets repossessed.

FAIRCHILD
Mr. Clover!

MADISON
No, no, we’re not doing guns. Gimme the gun.

FAIRCHILD
I need it!

MADISON
No, you don’t, give it to me.

FAIRCHILD
No!

MADISON
Daymn! I’m diggin’ this muscular detective body! Wrestling you was like wrestling a bowl of Jell-O! Not wrestling in a bowl of Jell-O. That’s really slippery. You must be Tom.

TOM
Shoot him. Shoot him. He’ll kill me.

MADISON
Oh! Looks like you got a gun, too. I’ll be taking that. Woo! I feel like I could run a marathon right now.

TOM
Please… He wants to…

MADISON
Let’s get you a chair, huh? Although Mrs. Barry is pretty P-O’ed about the blood you got all over her chair. But I’m sure Mr. Fairchild will be okay with it. Right, Mr. Fairchild? Look at this! Corey and Fairchild. We got the band back together!

FAIRCHILD
Don’t believe him, Mr. Clover. Don’t believe anything Corey says!

MADISON
O-kay. Example?

FAIRCHILD
He’s gonna tell you I killed his wife! That I shot him! That I stole the money! Ridiculous things! Crazy things! Because he’s crazy now!

MADISON
Tom’s crazy? ‘Cuz right now you’re givin’ off the crazy vibe.

FAIRCHILD
No, it’s Tom! He’s crazy. He’s gonna say that Zella and I arranged the whole thing to make it look like a suicide pact and that I killed Zella! Tom! Tom?!

MADISON
Yeah. Tom’s dead. But I appreciate the confession. Wraps up everything for me super neatly. Ooo, hey, that stereo you got over there. Since you’re going to prison for the rest of your life, you think you might sell it?

EPILOGUE

DANNY
Broadway stretches out in front of you, a livid scar slashed into the night. It’s a cruel and fantastic carousel. Palace of fun, a hall of mirrors. You pay your way, and you make your choice. Me? I get in on a pass. On Broadway. The gaudiest, the most violent, the lonesomest mile in the world. Broadway. My beat.

MADISON
“Broadway is My Beat” aired on CBS from February 1949 to August, 1954. Originally recorded in New York, the show very quickly relocated to Hollywood which lead to the recasting of Detective Danny Clover with Larry Thor, a fixture in radio both as an actor and announcer. Although “Dragnet” is hailed as paving the way for realistic portrayals of the police, “Broadway is My Beat” actually premiered before “Dragnet,” though never gained the same attention as Jack Webb’s series. The writers, Morten Fine and David Friedkin, brought poetry to Danny’s descriptions of the city, always showing his dedication to Broadway, while still expressing his exhaustion with the crime and violence. CBS primarily used the series as filler for time slots vacant from other show’s hiatuses or cancellations, and of the 212 episodes created, only about 150 have survived to today.