MADISON ON THE AIR:  BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MARCH 2025

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Buck Rogers in the 25th Century!

MADISON
Okay, disclaimer! Don’t go into this thinking it’s the 70s/early 80s “Buck Rogers.” By the time that got on the air, the world had been introduced to “Star Trek,” “Planet of the Apes,” “Battlestar Galactica” and, of course, “Star Wars.” So they reworked the concept a bit. What you’re about to hear is from the 1930s and is the very first science fiction show ever to be on radio. And it’s a kids’ show.

NARRATOR
Back in 1919, Buck was in the lower workings of an abandoned mine near the city of Pittsburgh, when suddenly the walls caved in and a peculiar gas caused him to be held in a state of suspended animation for five hundred years.

MADISON
I am not making any commentary on the scientific possibilities of that actually being able to happen. Freaky-deaky science stuff.

NARRATOR
Finding himself in the strange and exciting world of the 25th Century, Buck quickly adapted himself to the use of rocket powered spacecraft and other marvelous scientific developments that would seem almost impossible in our present day.

MADISON
Please. You old timey people would think the marvelous scientific development of my 2016 Honda Civic was impossible.

NARRATOR
Buck, Wilma and Dr. Huer are discussing a new instrument for use on a rocket plane. Let’s join them in Dr. Huer’s laboratory.

MADISON
I’m coming along, too.

NARRATOR
Okay, then here we go, five hundred years into the future!

MADISON
Four hundred for me, but go ahead.

DR. HUER
Yes, Wilma, if this new instrument does what I feel sure it will, there’ll be practically no limit to the speed a rocket ship can attain immediately upon taking off.

WILMA
Good night! Imagine getting into the control cabin, opening the power lever, and going a couple of thousand miles an hour, just like that!

BUCK
When can we test it out, Dr. Huer?

MADISON
Hold on, 1919. This is 2020s talking. Going from zero to a thousand in seconds? We gonna address G forces and the affects that kind of acceleration has on the human body?

DR. HUER
Oh, I assure you, Madison, it’s perfectly safe.

MADISON
Based on… “it’s the future, don’t question it?”

DR. HUER
How did you get here, exactly?

MADISON
Shutting up.

BUCK
Have you already got it installed on a rocket ship, Doctor?

DR. HUER
Matter of fact, Buck, I don’t even have it yet. One’s been made up that we’ll use for the test, but it isn’t here yet.

WILMA
I don’t understand, Doctor.

BUCK
Can’t we get it here? The sooner we can start trying it out, the sooner we can break the monotony of just sitting around here doing nothing.

MADISON
I’m with Buck on that one. This is a space adventure show. I’d like to get out of this office and into some actual space adventure.

DR. HUER
Wait. Listen.

WILMA
Yes, Doctor, I hear it, too.

BUCK
But what under-the-sun is it?

MADISON
I’m hearin’… garbage truck?

WILMA
Look out the window!

DR. HUER
Good, heavens, Wilma!

BUCK
It’s flying right down this way!

MADISON
What is?! Use your words, people!

WILMA
It looks to me like it deliberately crashed outside this laboratory!

DR. HUER
Wilma’s right. It certainly didn’t look like a ship out of control.

MADISON
This is my concern about flying cars. People can’t drive on the ground. We definitely don’t need them crashing into each other above our heads, raining debris down on the people below.

BUCK
Hey, c’mon, folks! Whoever’s in that rocket ship out there is going to need help! Hey, look, it’s a Martian ship.

MADISON
Martians? Again?! Ugh. I hate those guys.

WILMA
The metal door on the side of it is opening.

MADISON
Anybody got a ray gun or some sorta 25th Century weapon? Or has your society done away with war so now we’re ripe for the picking by anyone with a sling shot and a large rock?

DR. HUER
Wait, wait. It’s all right.

WILMA
All right, Doctor?

BUCK
The people in that ship must be hurt!

DR. HUER
Just wait.

BARNEY
Here we are, safe and sound, and just on time.

MADISON
Huh. He doesn’t look like Marvin the Martian.

BUCK
It’s Barney!

WILLIE
You didn’t need to land that fast, Mr. Barney.

WILMA
And Willie’s with him!

MADISON
A smart-alecky kid? No chance we can trade him for that C-3PO rip off, uh… what’s his name? Twinkie? Man, I could totally go for a Twinkie.

WILLIE
Mr. Barney, you made me slam my knee against the control board.

BARNEY
What difference does that make? We had to get down here in a hurry, didn’t we?

MADISON
Complete disregard for the safety of a child. Now there’s some future progress.

BARNEY
Oh, hey, it is pretty scratched up. We gotta get you to the hospital.

WILLIE
Aw, it isn’t that bad. Anyhow, what about that important package we have on board for Dr. Huer?

DR. HUER
We’ll take care of it, Barney.

BARNEY
Oh, hello there, Dr. Huer!

CAST
(variety of hellos)

BUCK
That was some landing, Barney.

WILMA
I’ll say! It’s a wonder you didn’t break your neck!

MADISON
This from the woman who wants a rocket to take off at a thousand miles an hour.

BARNEY
Well, the doc was in a hurry to get that gyro-thing down from Mars.

DR. HUER
Gyrocosmic Relativator.

MADISON
Ah, so you’re stealing Martian technology and passing it off as your own. Gotcha, Elon.

DR. HUER
Now, my suggestion is we fly right over to the spaceport. We’ll have the Gyrocosmic Relativator installed on a ship I have waiting there.

BUCK
Oh, good. Then we can go right ahead and test it out.

MADISON
Sure. Alien technology. What could possibly go wrong?

BARNEY
Now, wait a minute, Doc. If that gyro-thing is gonna do all the things you told me over the radio, ain’t it too dangerous?

MADISON
Should I be concerned the hillbilly is agreeing with me?

DR. HUER
Dangerous? Oh, no, no, no, not at all.

MADISON
Keep an eye on Space X over here. Ka-boom.

BUCK
I tell ya what, Barney. You hustle over to the hospital with Willie to get a healing ray for that scraped knee, and then you can probably get out to the spaceport before we take off.

BARNEY
Okay, okay. Come on, Willie.

WILLIE
All right.

MADISON
Healing ray? I love how the past always expects future medical technology to be waving some wand over a person and they’re instantly healed. I wonder if anybody in my day is working on something like that. Maybe Japan can take a break from the fancy toilets and volleyball playing robots and get on a healing ray.

BUCK
Let’s get aboard here and over to the spaceport.

WILMA
You’d never know this ship had been through a crash landing, would you?

DR. HUER
Well, I don’t know whether you noticed it or not, but these Martian ships are made very solidly.

MADISON
Yeah, so is my Honda Civic, but when I blew a tire on the freeway and had to drive on the rims to the shoulder, it wasn’t exactly fully operational anymore.

WILMA
All set, Buck. Close the metal door.

BUCK
Right.

MADISON
Maybe we should get a healing ray for the ship before we try to fly it?

BUCK
Oh, it took me a little while, but you’ll get used to this 25th Century technology, Madison.

MADISON
Now I know how my grandma felt when I tried to show her how to use an iPad.

BUCK
Want to take the controls–

MADISON
Sure!

BUCK
Doctor?

MADISON
Hey. My grandma mastered “Candy Crush.”

DR. HUER
Yes, I’ve got it, Buck. Here we go!

MADISON
Dude! We got airborne fast! You really need some gizmo to go a thousand miles an hour? What? You run outta useful technological advancements? Like, where’s your onboard food replicator? I’m still jonesin’ for that Twinkie.

SCENE TWO

DR. HUER
All right, Buck, make sure to attach the Gyrocosmic Relativator in that aperture there on the left.

BUCK
Sure thing, Doctor.

MADISON
How much longer are you gonna be?

BUCK
I don’t know, Madison, a little while.

MADISON
Once I dated this guy who was totally into cars and he spent all day in the garage adjusting every tiny little gadget under the hood and when I was like, “Hey, wanna grab pizza or something?” He was all, “I can’t, I’m in the middle of this.” So I ended up dating his older brother for three months.

BUCK
What’s your point?

MADISON
You’re boring me.

BUCK
I didn’t realize I was supposed to be entertaining you.

MADISON
Ya know, this is a pretty small ship.

BUCK
It certainly is. Perhaps you could wait in the spaceport office until I’m done here?

MADISON
I can help. You need me to hold a flashlight?

DR. HUER
How much longer, Buck?

BUCK
I’m almost finished!

WILMA
Dr. Huer? There’s a call coming through on the radio communicator in the office.

MADISON
You guys got healing rays, rocket ships and Gyro-whatevers but the 30s can’t envision the future technology of cell phones?

DR. HUER
Come along, you two. This may be important.

BUCK
We’ll be right there, Doctor! Let’s go, Madison.

MADISON
Pass. That sounds totes snoresville. I’ll just hang out here.

BUCK
All right, just don’t touch anything. You aren’t familiar with this 25th Century technology.

MADISON
Pretty uppity for a coal miner from 1919 who’s probably still in awe of electric lightbulbs.

BUCK
Go ahead, Wilma, connect the radio call.

WILMA
Central Spaceport. Go ahead, please.

VOICE ON CALL
Central Radio Bureau. We’re trying to reach Dr. Huer. We’ve been trying to locate him all over the city.

DR. HUER
This is Dr. Huer.

VOICE ON CALL
Urgent message for you, Dr. Huer, from the Captain of the Rocket Police. It says that one of the Air Guards discovered your laboratory has been forcibly entered and completely ransacked.

DR. HUER
What?!

WILMA
Good night! We only left there a couple of minutes ago!

VOICE ON CALL
Well, it was only discovered a couple of minutes ago. Shall I tell the Captain you’ll be right over?

DR. HUER
No. I’m in the middle of a very important experiment.

BUCK
Say, maybe we better postpone the test, Doctor.

DR. HUER
As long as the Rocket Police are there, no more damage will be done. This is Dr. Huer, signing off.

VOICE ON CALL
Signing off.

WILMA
I wonder who could have done it.

DR. HUER
We’ll have to concern ourselves about that later. Come along to the launchpad.

WILMA
You’d better wait a second, Doctor. It may be another call for you. Central Spaceport. Go ahead, please.

SECOND VOICE ON CALL
Central Radio Division. Call for Captain Buck Rogers.

BUCK
This is Buck Rogers. Go ahead.

SECOND VOICE ON CALL
Killer Kane and Ardala have escaped a maximum security rocket prison.

BUCK
Great Scott! They’re the worst criminals the solar system as ever known!

SECOND VOICE ON CALL
The President is putting all of the Rocket Police resources at your disposal, Captain, to recapture these villains.

WILMA
How could Kane and Ardala have escaped?

BUCK
I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure. We’re going to have to call off this test flight.

DR. HUER
Not at all, Buck. We must go ahead with it. It’ll take far more than an ordinary rocket ship to track down that pair. And that’s just exactly what our Gyrocosmic Relativator will provide.

WILMA
Dr. Huer is right, Buck.

BUCK
Okay, then. Come on, let’s go.

WILMA
No, look! There it goes!

DR. HUER
My ship!

WILMA
Do you think it’s Killer Kane and Ardala?

BUCK
Wait a minute. Where’s Madison?

MADISON
Woo-hoo!!!!!

SCENE THREE

BARNEY
Well, Willie, it looks like this new invention of Dr. Huer’s on this here test ship don’t work.

WILLIE
I guess you’re right, all right.

MADISON
O.M.G. the Space Redneck and Twinkie just stole the rocket ship.

BARNEY
Hey! What’re you doin’ in here?

MADISON
Same question back at cha.

BARNEY
Huh?

WILLIE
Oh, no, Mr. Barney, look! Out the window!

BARNEY
You see the doctor? He look mad?

WILLIE
I don’t know! We’re hundreds of miles above the Earth!

BARNEY
Then it do work!

MADISON
Okay, just so I can plan ahead, how long do I have until we explode in a ball of fire?

WILLIE
The radio. I bet that’s the doctor now.

BARNEY
Aw. I can’t answer that. He’s gonna be mad.

MADISON
Then allow me. Y’ello?

DR. HUER
Madison? Madison, is that you?

MADISON
Again, 25th Century and no one has advanced radio reception?

DR. HUER
Madison! We need that rocket ship back at once!

MADISON
Hey! This isn’t on me. Talk to the Hillbilly Hijacker.

BARNEY
Hey, there, Doc. It’s Barney. Is everything all right?

MADISON
You stole his test rocket, but I’m sure he’s just calling to see if you’ll be back in time for dinner.

BARNEY
Oh. Yeah, Doc, we’ll be back. Think we can get spaghetti?

DR. HUER
What?!

MADISON
So did a Martian tractor fall on your head when you were a child?

WILLIE
Golly, Dr. Huer, Mr. Barney didn’t mean to steal the rocket. We didn’t even know your invention worked.

DR. HUER
Now listen, Barney, we’re badly in need of that ship you’re in. Killer Kane and Ardala have escaped prison!

WILLIE
Oh, no! They’re the most terrible villains in the whole solar system!

MADISON
“Killer” Kane? A little on the nose for a villain but I like the alliteration.

DR. HUER
Just as soon as you can, turn the ship around, and head back to the Central Spaceport. We’ll be waiting for you.

BARNEY
Yeah, okay, Doc.

DR. HUER
Signing off.

MADISON
So, who is this Killer Kane?

BARNEY
Killer Kane is dangerous. Very, very dangerous. Why, if he was to see you comin’ at him, he’d like as not, pull out a rocket pistol and blow you where ya are.

MADISON
Phrasing. I thought this was a kid’s show.

WILLIE
You’re not afraid of him, are you Mr. Barney?

BARNEY
Who, me? ‘Course I ain’t. Me afraid of Killer Kane? That’s a good big joke, that is.

KILLER KANE
Well, Barney, I can’t tell you how glad I am to know that.

WILLIE
Killer Kane!

MADISON
For a rocket ship the size of a Fiat, we’re managing to hide a lot of people in here.

BARNEY
Listen, Kane! What’s your idea of stowin’ away on my rocket ship, huh?

KILLER KANE/MADISON
Your rocket ship?

KILLER KANE
As if he were clever enough to install a device like this.

MADISON
I know, right? He’s lucky he can operate a drinking straw.

BARNEY
You mean that Gyro-thing?

MADISON
Sounds like he’s trying to order a Gyro in a Greek restaurant!

KILLER KANE
Who are you, my dear? I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure.

MADISON
Madison Standish. From the 21st Century.

KILLER KANE
Oh, well! Humanity definitely improved since Buck Rogers’ day.

WILLIE
What do you want, Killer Kane!

KILLER KANE
Splendid. Willie’s here.

MADISON
Seriously, he’s totes annoying. What’s your relationship to this Barney guy, anyway? You his son? Some street urchin he picked up somewhere?

BARNEY
Hey, now, don’t you say nothin’ bad about Willie!

MADISON
Everybody knows Short Round — and Kate Capshaw — ruined the second Indiana Jones. Then writing ruined the last two. Woof.

KILLER KANE
All right! Let me cut to the chase here, Barney. The fact remains that neither this ship nor the Gyrocosmic Relativator belongs to you. Which means you and Willie committed a very serious offense by taking off in this ship without the proper authority.

MADISON
Truth.

KILLER KANE
What exactly is your place in all this?

MADISON
Who, me? Well, like Buck Rogers was being super boring, so I decided to hang out in the rocket and then Hee-Haw over there launched it.

KILLER KANE
Buck Rogers was being boring?

MADISON
Honestly, Barney launching the rocket is the most fun I’ve had since I got here.

BARNEY
Thank you!

WILLIE
We talked to Dr. Huer by radio and he said it was all right. We just need to fly back with the rocket.

KILLER KANE
Oh, he told you it was all right, eh? And when you merrily land at the Central Spaceport, he’ll forget all about the fact that you ran off with the greatest invention he’d ever turned out, hmm?

MADISON
I think it’s technically Martian technology.

KILLER KANE
It doesn’t really matter. I’m stealing it one way or the other. I’m just trying to make them feel like they have no alternatives but to join me. Don’t you suppose Dr. Huer might call the Rocket Police?

MADISON
So in the 30s, in order for something to seem futuristic, they just slapped “rocket” onto it?

KILLER KANE
It appears so.

BARNEY
What about the Rocket Police?

MADISON
You stole a rocket ship and so the Rocket Police are gonna send you to, I’m gonna guess, Rocket Prison, unless you get a good rocket lawyer to get you off with a rocket fine.

BARNEY
Oh, no! I ain’t goin’ back to Rocket Prison!

MADISON
You’ve been to Rocket Prison? What were you arrested for, tipping Martian cows?

KILLER KANE
Much more serious than that, wasn’t it Barney? Or shall I call you, “Black Barney.”

MADISON
“Black Barney”? That sounds like diversity casting on the Flintstones.

WILLIE
Mr. Barney’s not like that anymore!

BARNEY
Yeah! That’s the times I wanna forget. When I didn’t know no-better than to be an air-pirate.

MADISON
“Air” pirate? Not even “space” pirate? You know there’s no air in space, so you’re only a pirate when, what? There’s an atmosphere?

KILLER KANE
Well, it doesn’t matter if you want to join up with me or not, Barney. I still have this rocket pistol.

MADISON
“Rocket” pistol!

KILLER KANE
All right, I’m threatening him now, so it’d be helpful if you’d stop laughing.

MADISON
Sorry.

KILLER KANE
Thank you. Now, Barney, I want you to land us near the ancient ruins of the city of Philadelphia.

MADISON
“In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days–”

KILLER KANE
Madison, you’re interrupting…

MADISON
That’s literally the only thing I know about Philadelphia.

KILLER KANE
That’s where we’ll meet Ardala.

WILLIE
Not Ardala!

KILLER KANE
Oh, yes, Willie. You see, she’s made a stop at the laboratory of your beloved friend, Dr. Huer, and picked up a very interesting scientific instrument.

MADISON
Ooo! What does it do?

KILLER KANE
Actually, I was planning on keeping it mysterious right now and revealing it later when it’s important to the plot.

MADISON
Oh.

KILLER KANE
But I appreciate your enthusiasm. And your dislike of Buck Rogers. Were you interested in teaming up with me?

MADISON
I thought I already had.

KILLER KANE
Splendid.

MADISON
Do I get a cool name like “Killer Kane?”

KILLER KANE
Let’s worry about the monickers later, shall we? I am in the middle of hijacking this already hijacked rocket ship.

MADISON
Oh, sure. We’ll talk later. But I am partial to the alliteration.

SCENE FOUR

KILLER KANE
Good. We’ve arrived above the ruins of the ancient city of Philadelphia. Take us down for a landing, Barney.

BARNEY
Sure thing.

MADISON
I can’t believe after four hundred years, no one bothered to rebuild? Like, I would think this was prime real estate. Except for the river views of New Jersey.

KILLER KANE
Barney! What are you doing?!

BARNEY
Landing!

KILLER KANE
Then why does it feel like we’re out of control?!

BARNEY
I cut the power.

KILLER KANE
What?!

MADISON
He already crash landed a ship this morning! How easy is it to get a pilot’s license in the 25th Century?!

KILLER KANE
Turn on that power, Barney! If we drop this far, we’ll crack up!

BARNEY
No, we can coast down from here easy.

WILLIE
See, Mr. Kane? He told you he could do it.

KILLER KANE
It’s the Gyrocosmic Relativator. That’s what kept us from crashing.

MADISON
If they wanna get rid of all the air traffic controllers, Space X needs to invent one of these things.

BARNEY
You mean I didn’t do a nice landing?

KILLER KANE
No, Barney. But you can go open the door.

BARNEY
Sure!

WILLIE
No, Mr. Barney! Ardala’s out there!

BARNEY
Too late.

ARDALA
Well, well. If it isn’t my old friend, Black Barney. And Willie. What a surprise this is.

KILLER KANE
Hello, Ardala, my dear.

ARDALA
Always on time, aren’t you, darling?

MADISON
I’m guessin’ this isn’t your daughter? ‘Cuz if she is, I’m getting a major Trump/Ivanka vibe here.

ARDALA
Who’s this?

MADISON
Mad Girl Madison!

ARDALA
“Mad Girl”?

MADISON
You’re right, now that I’m hearing it out loud I don’t like it, either.

KILLER KANE
Madison is joining up with us, darling. Did you break into Dr. Huer’s laboratory like I told you to?

ARDALA
Absolutely.

KILLER KANE
How about the scientific instrument I told you to bring along?

ARDALA
You mean the–

KILLER KANE
Don’t name it!

MADISON
We’re saving it until it matters for the plot.

ARDALA
Ah. It’s that big package there.

KILLER KANE
Barney, get that package and put it aboard this ship.

BARNEY
Well, now, listen, Kane–

MADISON
Do it, Barney! And make it fast! Or I’ll put my rocket boot where the sun don’t shine!

BARNEY
The dark side of Mercury?

MADISON
Kane, gimme the rocket pistol.

BARNEY
Okay, okay. You don’t need to be tough about it.

ARDALA
I like her, Kane.

MADISON
You shoulda seen me when I was cheer captain.

KILLER KANE
All right, Willie. I need you to grab that piece of paper from the control table.

WILLIE
Okay. Now what?

KILLER KANE
Give it to me. I want to write a note.

MADISON
25th Century technology at its finest.

KILLER KANE
Now, Willie, your job is to deliver this note to Captain Buck Rogers.

MADISON
Paper note? Not even going to consider the crappy radio as an option for communication?

KILLER KANE
I’m getting rid of the kid. Bear with me. Willie, you can fly over in that little rocket roadster Ardala brought.

WILLIE
You want me to go all alone?

KILLER KANE
You can fly that roadster, can’t you?

WILLIE
Sure, I guess so. But how about Mr. Barney?

MADISON
Get going or I’ll take my rocket boot and kick you all the way through puberty!

WILLIE
All right! I’m going!

ARDALA
What are “rocket boots”?

MADISON
I’m thinkin’ they’re like Moon Boots but with a steal toe.

BARNEY
Where you wantin’ the package?

KILLER KANE
Right there will do nicely, Barney.

BARNEY
Say, where’s Willie?

KILLER KANE
Oh, he’s running a little errand for me in Ardala’s rocket roadster.

BARNEY
Rocket roadster?! He can’t run that ship, can he? He’ll crack up.

KILLER KANE
Possibly.

BARNEY
What?!

MADISON
Getting rid of the kid is really for the good of the show. If only the Bradys had the sense to do that to cousin Oliver, there might’ve been a season six.

KILLER KANE
He’d won’t “crack up,” Barney. I’m counting on him taking a message from me to Buck Rogers.

ARDALA
There he goes.

MADISON
So what’s our next step towards solar system domination? I have so many ideas! Most of them revolve around punishing people who mistreat animals and anyone who vapes.

KILLER KANE
We shall start by setting up our new headquarters.

ARDALA
New headquarters? Where?

KILLER KANE
Well, right here, of course.

ARDALA
You’re not going to make our headquarters so close to the place Willie just left, I hope.

KILLER KANE
Absolutely. Because that’s the last place in the world Buck Rogers would expect to find us.

MADISON
Ah… hiding in plain sight. I like it. It’s bold, it’s daring, and it means I don’t have to go anywhere which is usually the crux of most of my plans.

ARDALA
But what about the rocket ship you arrived in? Anyone flying over the ruins of the city will spot it for sure.

KILLER KANE
We’ll need to keep it close by in case we require a quick escape.

MADISON
They’ll still see it. It’s not like a rocket ship can blend in with all the Philadelphia colonial architecture.

KILLER KANE
Oh, your people destroyed all that when they amended the Constitution to dissolve the Constitution. But the rocket ship could be easily hidden amongst the wreckage of the Russian bombing fields.

MADISON
So those post apocalyptic audio dramas from my day actually foretold the future? And I just thought they were all created by people who watched the “Mad Max” movies too many times. Witness me! Witness!

SCENE FIVE

WILMA
It was over an hour ago when Barney radioed Dr. Huer that he was on his way in. You don’t think something could’ve happened to him, do you, Buck?

BUCK
You’re thinking of that new Gyrocosmic Relativator aboard the ship?

WILMA
Uh-huh. Do you think it may have gone wrong somehow and thrown his ship out of control?

BUCK
No, he’d have radioed for help.

WILMA
What about… um…

BUCK
Madison being on board?

WILMA
No offense, Buck, I know you’re from the 20th Century, but maybe…

BUCK
Her being from the 21st Century concerns you?

WILMA
I’ve read the history books, Buck. They don’t call it the “Second Dark Ages” for nothing.

DR. HUER
Well, whoever broke into my laboratory couldn’t have been here very long. And there doesn’t seem to have been much damage done. A few drawers pulled out on the desks and cabinets. And only a couple of scientific instruments moved from their usual places.

BUCK
You know what that indicates. Whoever broke in wanted one particular thing. Let’s look carefully around and find out what, if anything, is missing.

WILMA
Good idea, Buck.

DR. HUER
Everything appears to be in its place.

BUCK
It’s strange. Nothing seems disturbed.

WILMA
For a ransacking, the culprits were very organized about it.

BUCK
Wait a minute, Doc. In that corner, right were Wilma’s standing. Wasn’t there something there before?

DR. HUER
Why, yes. The instrument devised by Professor Smith, the mad scientist who wanted to be the grand ruler of the solar system.

BUCK
The instrument that subjugated people to his willpower when he used it on them. The Psychic Restriction Ray!

DR. HUER
Yes, yes! It was in that very corner.

WILMA
Well, it’s not here now.

DR. HUER
Oh, no! An instrument like that in the hands of a man like Kane?

BUCK
With his mad desire for power, Kane would use it on everybody he could lay his hands on.

WILMA
Oh, Buck! What can we do to stop him?

BUCK
I don’t think we can wait for Barney to get back with the Gyrocosmic Relativator! We’ve got to take action– now!

SCENE SIX

BARNEY
If you think you can keep Captain Rogers from finding you, you’re dumb, Kane, that’s all.

ARDALA
Buck might think to look for us here at that, Kane.

KILLER KANE
What makes you think so, Ardala?

ARDALA
The lost headquarters of Professor Smith.

MADISON
The mad scientist who had ideas for becoming supreme grand ruler of the solar system? The man who invented the Psychic Restriction Ray?

KILLER KANE
How did you know that? I hadn’t mentioned Smith or the ray yet.

MADISON
Buck revealed it in the last scene.

KILLER KANE
Buck Rogers! Nevertheless, he may search for us in Philadelphia, but he’ll never think to search for us beneath Philadelphia!

BARNEY
Beneath?

MADISON
That means under.

BARNEY
Under?

MADISON
Seriously, can I have your rocket pistol?

ARDALA
Kane, if we’re going to use Smith’s old headquarters, there’s simply nothing around here to indicate where it is.

KILLER KANE
There, right in front of you. You see that hole in the ground?

MADISON
It looks like an old subway entrance. Subway like the trains, not Subway like the sandwich shops — which if you opened one in Philadelphia might be considered an act of treason.

BARNEY
Subway?

MADISON
An underground train.

BARNEY
Underground?

MADISON
Please let me kill him.

KILLER KANE
Way back in the 20th and 21st centuries, there was a network of subway lines running under the whole city. This is where Smith built his headquarters. Come along.

MADISON
An evil lair in the subway tunnels? It’s so been done. Lex Luthor, the Penguin, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…

BARNEY
It smells funny.

MADISON
That’s a combination of black mold, human sweat and feces from thousands of rats.

BARNEY
Rats!! Kane, I ain’t goin’ down there! And you can’t make me!

KILLER KANE
Oh, very well. Ardala, open up the package with the Psychic Restriction Ray, will you?

ARDALA
You’re going to use it right now?

KILLER KANE
If it’s the only way to get Barney to obey me, then, yes.

BARNEY
No! Wait! You can’t do that! What is your bidding, my master?

KILLER KANE
Madison!

MADISON
What? You wouldn’t give me a rocket pistol.

ARDALA
Is he under your command, Kane?

KILLER KANE
Barney, carry the ray down to the subway.

MADISON
He isn’t moving.

KILLER KANE
Barney! Carry the ray down to the subway! That is an order!

ARDALA
He just has a blank look on his face.

MADISON
Okay, hang on. Barney, carry me down to the subway.

BARNEY
Yes, my master.

MADISON
Oh! I am all in on this ray-thing! I haven’t had this much power over a guy since I gave my high school boyfriend his first BJ. He did all my homework that semester. He ended up flunking his own classes, but he said it was worth it.

SCENE SEVEN

WILMA
Buck, I still don’t understand how you think we can find Barney. With that Gyrocosmic Relativator, he could be anywhere!

BUCK
Barney must have left a rocket trail when he took off from here, Wilma. We can follow it up to where he is.

WILMA
Oh, of course! Buck! Look! It’s coming right down here, fast! Who’s at the controls?

BUCK
Whoever it is, he’s going to crack up!

WILMA
That can’t be Barney, that’s not the test rocket!

BUCK
Get back, Wilma! Here he comes!

WILMA
A rocket roadster!

BUCK
Look who’s in it!

WILMA
Good night! It’s Willie!

BUCK
Come on! Let’s make sure he’s not hurt! Here, help me get him free of this wreck.

WILMA
Willie! Listen to me, Willie!

BUCK
I’ll carry him into Dr. Huer’s laboratory.

DR. HUER
What is it, Buck?

BUCK
Quick! Get the healing ray, Doctor!

DR. HUER
Right away!

WILLIE
Captain Rogers?

BUCK
How do you feel, Willie?

WILLIE
My head hurts a little bit.

WILMA
Well, I should think it would, Willie. You’ve got a lump on your head there the size of an egg.

DR. HUER
Here’s the healing ray.

WILLIE
Healing ray? Oh, I’m all right.

WILMA
Nonsense, you sit still while I run this ray.

DR. HUER
Willie, you returned by yourself. Do you know where Barney is with the test rocket?

WILLIE
Killer Kane and Ardala have it. And they took Barney prisoner! And Madison joined up with them and, and, and she threatened to kick me with her rocket boots!

BUCK
She did?

WILMA
I told you, Buck. History says the 21st Century was full of selfish people with no morals who tore down their communities with hate.

BUCK
Surely everyone from the 21st Century wasn’t like that.

DR. HUER
Maybe not, but have you spent five minutes with Madison?

BUCK
I see your point.

WILLIE
Oh! I almost forgot this note Mr. Kane gave me to bring along. Here, Captain Rogers, it’s for you.

WILMA
What does it say, Buck?

BUCK
“My dear friend, Rogers, we are looking forward to a visit by you and Wilma at our new headquarters, if you can find them. Signed, Killer Kane and Ardala.” Then it has Madison’s name scribbled at the end with a drawing of…what is that?

WILMA
Let me see. It looks like chocolate pudding… with eye balls?

DR. HUER
That’s the hieroglyphs that were used extensively in the 21st Century.

WILMA
Oh, yes. Which ultimately lead to the downfall of language and communication.

BUCK
Willie, do you know where the villains are now?

WILLIE
Well, Mr. Kane took us to the ancient ruins of Philadelphia.

DR. HUER
If they landed there with the Gyrocosmic Relativator, it’s fuel cells were only prepared for a test run. Simply put, they can’t take off again.

BUCK
Then we need to get to Philadelphia!

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
O.M.G. it’s totally dank down here. Are we even sure this is water we’re walking through? I mean, this is an old subway tunnel.

ARDALA
What are you complaining about? Barney is carrying you.

MADISON
I just don’t like the splashing sound. It’s making me have to pee.

KILLER KANE
Now here. See? This is our new headquarters.

ARDALA
Hmm, not bad, Kane.

KILLER KANE
Not bad? It’s perfect! And look at these scientific instruments. Professor Smith may have been a bit crazy, but he certainly left us some priceless equipment here.

MADISON
But it doesn’t change the fact that we’re underground in an old subway tunnel.

KILLER KANE
Where would you prefer we be, Madison?

MADISON
Ooo, call me, “The Marvelous Miss Madison.” No, scratch that. I sound like magician’s assistant.

ARDALA
This place is certainly dismal. What on earth is a “subway” anyway?

KILLER KANE
Ever see pictures of railroad trains in your history books? The subways were railroads that ran entirely underground. Diverted a lot of traffic from the already congested streets on the surface and all that sort of thing.

ARDALA
Say, maybe the people who lived in those times weren’t so dumb after all.

MADISON
Hel-lo! From the 21st Century here. Please don’t refer to us as “dumb.” We prefer “facts deficient.”

KILLER KANE
Your people managed to blow it all up, didn’t you?

MADISON
We did? Yeah, that tracks. We’re facts deficient by choice.

ARDALA
Wait a minute! You’re a 21st Century barbarian?

MADISON
“Barbarian” like “Conan the Barbarian?” Did Arnold finally become president?

ARDALA
Kane! She can’t be trusted!

KILLER KANE
Relax, Ardala. Her people’s ruthlessness and utter disregard for others makes her perfect for our plans to dominate the solar system.

MADISON
Aw, thank you.

ARDALA
Sounds like Barney is coming out of the effects of the Psychic Restriction Ray.

MADISON
Should I zap him again?

KILLER KANE
No. The effects shouldn’t wear off.

MADISON
Ow!

KILLER KANE
I think he’s just tired.

MADISON
Aw, gross. This isn’t water. It’s like the stuff they use in those rides at Disney. Part water, part gasoline, and part decaying corpses of the children who got caught in the gears. But I signed an NDA so I’m not allowed to talk about that.

ARDALA
I don’t like it down here, Kane. I still think if Buck and Wilma get anywhere near here, they’ll pick this as a logical place to look for us.

KILLER KANE
And that’s what the Psychic Restriction Ray will be for. If Buck or Wilma try to enter our headquarters, we’ll use the ray to put them under our control!

MADISON
Why go to all that trouble? Why not just use your rocket pistol — phew, phew — dead. End of problem.

ARDALA
Kane! Do you hear her?!

KILLER KANE
Deliciously violent creatures in the 21st Century, weren’t they?

MADISON
Our video games taught us to kill as a form of recreation.

SCENE NINE

WILMA
Well, according to the coordinates, that should be the ancient city of Philadelphia below us, now, Buck.

BUCK
So it is, Wilma. Let’s begin the landing sequence.

WILLIE
There! That’s where we were! Next to that statue of a man in shorts with his arms up in the air.

BUCK
What a strange relic.

WILMA
Don’t look at me. That’s not from my century.

WILLIE
I’ll show you exactly where Killer Kane took Mr. Barney.

WILMA
Buck, should we really have little Willie along as we go after these dangerous criminals?

BUCK
Certainly. Why, there were boys as young as ten years old working beside me in the coal mines.

WILLIE
Yeah!

BUCK
I say, Wilma, are you part of the “National Child Labor Committee” or something?

WILMA
All right, all right. But where do we begin? I don’t see any obvious place for this “new headquarters” Kane bragged about in his note.

WILLIE
And the test rocket is gone, too.

BUCK
Hmm. As I recall, the city of Philadelphia introduced an underground railway system just a few years before I was frozen in that mine.

WILMA
Underground railway? Wait a moment. At one time there was a theory that Professor Smith had a secret laboratory underground.

BUCK
It would make sense why no one has ever found it.

WILLIE
Look! There are some cement stairs going down to that hole.

WILMA
Stay back, Willie. Let Buck go first.

BUCK
Wilma, stop worrying. The coal mines had “door boys” his age whose job was to open and close doors for the miners. Sure they ran the risk of cave-ins, explosions, gas-poisoning, and other hazards of working underground in utter darkness, but the boys were proud of their work. Right, Willie?

WILLIE
Um… I, uh… I’ve already had to use the healing ray twice today. Maybe I should… stay here and guard the ship. Okay, bye!

BUCK
Well. Looks like it’s just the two of us, Wilma.

WILMA
Cave-ins?

SCENE TEN

MADISON
Little to the left, Barney.

BARNEY
Yes, my master.

KILLER KANE
Madison?

MADISON
“Mayhem” Madison! Huh? It works, right?

KILLER KANE
Madison, do you see where you’ve had Barney place the Psychic Restriction Ray?

MADISON
It’s pointing at the door so if anyone comes through it, we can blast them.

ARDALA
It’s blocking the door.

KILLER KANE
Our only escape route.

MADISON
Well, in theory, if we’re blasting people with the ray, we won’t need to escape.

KILLER KANE
Have Barney move it back.

MADISON
Fine. Barney, move the ray back to the right.

BARNEY
Yes, my master.

MADISON
Ya know, I still don’t see how you plan to take over the entire solar system from the subways of Philadelphia. The only thing you’re likely to do down here is contract tuberculous. Hope you’ve had your shots.

KILLER KANE
Madison–

MADISON
Mayhem Madison!

KILLER KANE
Don’t make me show you why I’m called, “Killer” Kane.

MADISON
Ooo. The one draw back from joining up with the Dark Side is you guys have no problem killing your own.

KILLER KANE
I’m glad we understand each other. Now, Madison, I do have a plan for taking over the solar system. This is only phase one.

MADISON
Out of how many?

ARDALA
You can kill her if she asks too many questions.

MADISON
Aren’t you Miss Helpful.

BARNEY
My master! I hear voices in the tunnel!

ARDALA
Buck and Wilma found us!

KILLER KANE
It’s all part of my plan, my dear. Get the ray ready. Soon the great “Captain Buck Rogers” will be under my control!

BUCK
Not a chance, Kane!

MADISON
Great entrance.

BUCK
Thank you.

KILLER KANE
Then be prepared, Captain, to get the full strength of Professor Smith’s Psychic Restriction Ray! What?! What’s happened?

MADISON
The battery died!

KILLER KANE
Battery? You were supposed to plug it in!

MADISON
You didn’t tell me I had to charge it!

KILLER KANE
After you used it on Barney, you drained the battery!

MADISON
Oh, yeah, I knew that because of all the Psychic Whatever-rays I’ve used before.

ARDALA
Quick! The rocket pistol!

WILMA
Not so fast, Ardala! Buck and I have you covered.

KILLER KANE
The escape route to the test rocket! Hurry!

MADISON
Ahhh!

WILMA
Buck! They ran down that tunnel!

BUCK
Don’t shoot, you might hit Barney!

BARNEY
My master!!

WILMA
Okay, he fell. I did not shoot him.

BARNEY
My master!!!

WILMA
What’ll we do, Buck? Killer Kane is getting away!

BUCK
Oh, I don’t think so, Wilma.

WILMA
You don’t think so? Based on what? I’m watching them run outside to freedom while we’re left here in this filthy tunnel with Barney rolling around in what I don’t think qualifies as water.

BARNEY
My master!!!

BUCK
But their only escape is in the test rocket. The rocket Dr. Huer fitted with the Gyrocosmic Relativator.

WILMA
With the Gyrocosmic Relativator, they can go a thousand miles an hour –instantly!

BUCK
You’re forgetting, Wilma, the doctor said the fuel cell was drained after the test. They’ll return to a rocket without power!

SCENE ELEVEN

ARDALA
It was a smart move, Kane, to steal Buck Rogers’ ship, rather than us running all the way out to where you’d hidden the test rocket.

KILLER KANE
Serves him right. He left it unlocked with the keys in the ignition.

WILLIE
I am not the keys!

MADISON
Can I shoot him out the airlock?

KILLER KANE
Possibly later. Now we need to set a course for Central Spaceport where we can use the Psychic Restriction Ray on the entire Rocket Police force, putting them under my command!

MADISON
Didn’t we leave the ray back in the tunnel?

KILLER KANE
What?!

ARDALA
We were running for our lives! We couldn’t carry it.

KILLER KANE
I thought Barney was carrying it.

MADISON
We left him in the tunnel, too.

KILLER KANE
Gah– damn– muther– why?! Buck– Freakin’–

MADISON
Willie, you might want to cover your ears for this.

ARDALA
It’s all right, Kane! We can form another plan. At least we’re not in Rocket Prison!

RADIO VOICE
Killer Kane! This is the Rocket Police commanded by Captain Buck Rogers. We are locked on to your coordinates and are bringing you in for justice!

KILLER KANE
Gah! Stupid– muther–

MADISON
Uck. I don’t know what I was thinking joining up with the bad guys on a kid’s show. They never win.

WILLIE
Biddy, biddy, biddy. What a bummer.

MADISON
Shut up.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, A.D.” first premiered as a syndicated comic strip in newspapers in January of 1929. By November of 1932, it became the very first science fiction adventure on radio, running Mondays through Thursdays as a fifteen minute serial. In 1933 a short film was made that was shown at the Chicago World’s Fair! The radio show would go through many different incarnations until it left the airwaves in 1947. The comic, however, stayed strong until 1967, and then Buck Rogers would see a major revival with a movie and TV series premiering in 1979. Buck Rogers has popped up in games, books and comics along the way, but a fierce legal battle to the rights of the character has limited Buck’s presence in modern media. For us, we only tracked down twelve parts of an original story that had no ending! It was a serial after all. So hopefully you enjoyed our finale written with love to radio’s first science fiction space-age hero.