MADISON ON THE AIR: “CHANDU, THE MAGICIAN: THE DRESSMAKER”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAY 2023
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
Chandu, the Magician!
CHANDU
This is the place.
MADISON
But, Chandu, we won’t have a chance. They’ll kill us!
CHANDU
Quick, Madison! Fall to the ground!
MADISON
Chandu! Chandu! So that was the teaser, right? Okay, I gotta tell you about this show before we go on. The series follows an American guy, Frank Chandler, who learned “occult arts” from a Yogi in India. So we’re already starting from a pretty non-PC place. The show was written for kids, specifically boys. Strap in for a little window into what they used to teach children about gender roles.
ANNOUNCER
For years the little woman has been after you to buy her an evening gown, especially created by one of the big designers of Paris. After all, it’s only money, and if it will make the little wife happy! So proud as a peacock in a barnyard, she wears her gorgeous Parisian original to the party at the country club. And guess what? There’s a dame across the room wearing the exact same — the identical dress. The little woman practically throws a fit. She’ll never wear that dress again! And your money’s down the drain. After all, it’s only a couple yards of silk and satin with a bow here and a pleat there. You’d think someone had committed a murder because two women are wearing the same dress. Shows how much you know. Someone did. And now, tonight’s story of magic and mystery. Chandu, the Magician!
MADISON
Here, I’m done, Chandu.
CHANDU
Good. Now the case is closed and we can fly back to Washington tomorrow.
MADISON
Yeah.
CHANDU
What’s the matter, Madison?
MADISON
Okay, full disclosure? When the temp agency told me about this job working for “Chandu, the Magician” I was expecting something a little bit different.
CHANDU
You thought there’d be more excitement? Danger? Adventure?
MADISON
No. You’re a “magician.” I thought we’d be playing Vegas or something.
CHANDU
Well, I’m not a performing magician.
MADISON
Uh, yeah. I figured that out after I didn’t find a single sequin jumpsuit in your wardrobe.
CHANDU
My goal is to… “go forth with my youth and strength to conquer the evil that threatens mankind.”
MADISON
While I get to sit here in this dank office doing all of your paperwork.
CHANDU
Well, I’m sorry this didn’t live up to your–
MADISON
I mean, c’mon! I didn’t sign up to be a secretary. I’ve worked with some of the greatest noir detectives, ya know! I’ve solved, like, a ton of murders!
CHANDU
That’s the trouble with you women. You’re never satisfied unless someone gets killed.
MADISON
What?! Okay, that might be accurate with my true crime viewing choices. And most of the podcasts I listen to, but to say “you women–”
CHANDU
Hello?
HENRI
Hello? This is Monsieur Frank Chandler? Also who is known as Chandu, the Magician?
CHANDU
Yes.
MADISON
I mean, women might like the subject of true crime, but it’s men who actually commit the true crime.
HENRI
You have come to Paris to engage in counterespionage activity?
CHANDU
Say, what’s going on here? Who are you?
MADISON
Women are usually the victims of true crime. So we’re fascinated by it because we identify with the victims.
HENRI
You must help me! You must! There are spies!
CHANDU
Now, now wait a minute.
MADISON
The more low-risk lifestyle the victim, the more we’re like, “crap, that coulda been me.”
HENRI
Chandu, you will go to the Café Louise. You will order wine, Chateau Batailley, ’27. A man will ask you for a match. Follow him. Au revoir.
CHANDU
Who is this? Hello? Hello?
MADISON
So, true crime to women is like a horror movie is to men. Except yours is a supernatural slasher film, and ours is what happens when we park in a parking garage after six.
CHANDU
Well, Madison, you might be in for some adventure yet. Put that typewriter away and pick up your revolver.
MADISON
Really? Okay, I will admit, this is the only job that has ever issued me my own weapon. Background checks are a bitch.
SCENE TWO
CHANDU
Well, we ordered the bottle of Chateau Batailley. Now we wait. Care for some, Madison?
MADISON
Uh… no. I’m good.
CHANDU
I might as well have a glass. Say, what is this? The bottle is empty.
MADISON
It is?
CHANDU
I don’t understand. Madam Louise uncorked it right here at the table.
MADISON
Maybe we should order another one. Pardon me! Excuse me!
CHANDU
It’s fine, Madison, having the bottle present on the table should work as our signal.
LOUISE
Yes? Did you need something?
MADISON
Another bottle of this.
LOUISE
Of course.
CHANDU
Hold on, Madam Louise. Madison, there appears to be evidence of wine in the bottom of your glass.
MADISON
Ew! A dirty glass! Louise, take it away!
LOUISE
Oh, my apologies, mademoiselle!
CHANDU
No need to apologize. Madison, did you drink this entire bottle during the time when I went to use the restroom?
MADISON
What? You were barely gone five minutes.
CHANDU
Yes. I’m aware.
MADISON
That’s… that’s… just… um…
CHANDU
Thank you, Madam Louise. We’re fine.
LOUISE
Let me know if you need anything else, Monsieur Chandu.
CHANDU
Madison–
HENRI
Ah! One thousand pardons, Monsieur. You can, perhaps, spare a match?
MADISON
Oh, look! Our contact!
CHANDU
Why not announce it to all of France? Yes, I have a match, Monsieur.
HENRI
Many thanks.
CHANDU
You’re quite welcome.
MADISON
He’s leaving. We gonna follow him or what?
CHANDU
Are you sure you’re not too intoxicated?
MADISON
You think I’m drunk? Oh, please. The label on this French wine might as well say “Welch’s.”
CHANDU
He’s going out the door. Come on, We’ll follow him. Pick up your gun.
MADISON
Not my fault 1930’s dresses don’t have big enough pockets!
CHANDU
Hurry, or we’ll lose him.
MADISON
30’s purses are pretty small, too. How am I supposed to carry this thing?
CHANDU
He’s gone. He could’ve ducked into any one of these doorways.
MADISON
Here. You carry it.
CHANDU
I have my own gun.
MADISON
Yeah, and you also have man-pockets.
CHANDU
Madison…
HENRI
Monsieur! Monsieur!
CHANDU
Oh, there he is. Come on.
MADISON
All right, then gimme your hat.
CHANDU
Use your own hat!
MADISON
I can’t! It’s pinned to my head. A hurricane couldn’t knock this thing off. It’s also fashionably tilted over the right side of my face so basically I have the eyesight of a pirate with an eye patch.
CHANDU
Fine. Give it to me.
HENRI
Come, Monsieur and Mademoiselle! Please hurry! Come upstairs and I will tell you everything.
CHANDU
What do you want?
HENRI
There are spies! You must capture them! The police are powerless.
CHANDU
Spies, huh? Lead the way.
HENRI
Follow me!
CHANDU
Madison, will you please stop hanging onto my overcoat.
MADISON
Between this tight dress, the hat over half my face, and these clunky heels, I am not equipped to navigate stairs!
CHANDU
That’s what happens when you women put so much emphasis on fashion.
HENRI
Do not criticize. For women, fashion is life!
MADISON
See! He’s French. He knows.
CHANDU
What’s your name, anyway?
HENRI
Henri Chabert.
CHANDU
Henri Chabert? Where have I heard that name before?
MADISON
I’m Madison Standish. S’up. I’d shake your hand but my grip on Chandu’s jacket is the only thing between me and falling to my death.
HENRI
Pleasure to meet you. Voilà! We arrive. Make no noise.
PIERRE
Who is it?
HENRI
Henri. Why did you not demand the password?!
PIERRE
But Henri! I know your voice!
HENRI
And why did you not have your revolver ready?
MADISON
Maybe he doesn’t have any pockets.
PIERRE
I will be more careful, Henri. I promise.
HENRI
Monsieur Chandu, Mademoiselle Standish, my half brother, Pierre. Pierre, this is the great counterespionage agent, Chandu the Magician.
MADISON
And I’m the magician’s assistant. Tah-dah! Come on. The jazz hands sold it.
CHANDU
Monsieur Chabert, do you know which country these spies are working for?
HENRI
All countries. The swine are international.
CHANDU
What are they after?
HENRI
The pigs are in pursuit of the greatest secret of the year!
MADISON
I bet they’re spies from TMZ. Damn America’s insatiable appetite for celebrity gossip!
CHANDU
Please, Madison. That might be what women gab about around the bridge table, but spies are after vital atomic secrets.
MADISON
Atomic secrets?! Who cares? Name me one scientist who’s ever been stalked by paparazzi.
HENRI
Wait, I will show you! Keys, Pierre!
PIERRE
Here you are, Henri.
HENRI
You see, Chandu, the closet door is made of steel.
MADISON
I had a closet door made of steel. I told my sister it was a safe room. And then one night I woke her at like, three in the morning shouting our parents had been murdered and she needed to go into the safe room. She ran in there and I locked the door. Ohmahgod, it was hilarious.
CHANDU
Hilarious? That sounds terrible.
MADISON
No, it was hilarious because she was so scared she forgot our parents were actually in Cabo. And they said she was bright for an six year-old.
HENRI
If you please, I shall now unlock the door. Voilà! Behold!
MADISON
O…M…G…
CHANDU
Well, what is it?
MADISON/HENRI
What is it?!
HENRI
Monsieur, you are bereft of your senses?
MADISON
Seriously! Do you not have eyeballs?
CHANDU
You mean that… dress?
HENRI
Gown! It is a gown! The narrow waist, the flowing skirt, the absolutely revolutionary drape! It is mine, an Henri Chabert original.
MADISON
You made that? Dude, get me oxygen because my breath has officially been taken away.
CHANDU
Now I remember the name, you’re Henri Chabert the dress designer.
MADISON
Oh, look who just caught up.
HENRI
I am to exhibit this gown at my salon tomorrow.
MADISON
Do you need a model? I have experience on the catwalk. My friend designed a line of clothing made entirely from repurposed pool noodles. They looked amazing, but I smelled like chlorine for a week.
CHANDU
What does any of this have to do with spies?
HENRI
Monsieur, they are after the gown.
CHANDU
What?
MADISON
Oh, yeah, knock offs of major labels are a huge sell. Not that I would ever have a knock off. But they do make great gifts for people on your Christmas list who are too stupid to know the difference.
PIERRE
Please, Monsieur Chandu, you must stop the spies from stealing the gown! You must!
CHANDU
Do you mean that you dragged me all the way up here because of a dress? Are you aware that there is an international situation which may flair up into the most destructive war in history? Do you know that men are dying?
HENRI
Men might be dying, but women must wear clothes.
MADISON
Exactly! I mean, come on, there’s always some war some where. Should that stop the rest of the world from being fashion forward?
CHANDU
Chabert, all my life I have been opposed to violence, but right now, if you were just seven inches taller, I’d forget my studies in philosophy and, Monsieur, I would bust you one right in the jaw!
MADISON
If he was seven inches taller? What, you must be “this tall” to fight Chandu?
HENRI
Monsieur, you speak to me of the philosophy of the mind, but in your country, there are millions of women.
CHANDU
So?
HENRI
And what is upper most in their minds? What obsesses them every moment, asleep or awake? Your war? Your “international problems”?
MADISON
You tell ’em, Henry.
HENRI
How many of these female creatures can discuss such things intelligently?
MADISON
Wait, what?
HENRI
The most their minds can concern is what they wear, and how they look.
MADISON
Okay, step back, Frenchy.
HENRI
I do not create these attitudes. I merely satisfy them.
MADISON
All right, I don’t care how tall you are. I’m gonna beat your ass.
PIERRE
Bravo, Henri, bravo! If only I could speak like that!
MADISON
I’ll take you both on!
CHANDU
I understand you now, Chabert, even if I don’t appreciate women’s frivolous interests.
MADISON
There’s gonna be a war, right here, right now. And men will die!
HENRI
So you see, Chandu, there are spies after my design. I have been using Pierre to stand guard.
CHANDU
Are you also a designer, Pierre?
PIERRE
Oh, no, no, no, Monsieur. I am completely ignorant of the art.
CHANDU
Well, I… I apologize for losing my temper, gentlemen. Just because we don’t think alike, doesn’t mean we have to fight.
MADISON
Don’t think alike? You all seem to be on the same page of male chauvinism.
CHANDU
Come along, Madison.
MADISON
Wait. What about the gown?
PIERRE
Please, Monsieur!
CHANDU
Good luck, gentlemen.
MADISON
Okay, 1930s, you won’t let women participate in business, science or politics, so all that’s left for them is fashion. Then you criticize them for being interested in fashion. I’m gonna guess the saying “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” was first spoken by a woman.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Yeah?
PIERRE
Mademoiselle Standish?
MADISON
Hang on a sec! Sorry. I was in “La Toilette” returning the French wine from whence it came. What’s up, Pierre? What’re you doin’ here?
PIERRE
Is, eh, Monsieur Chandu here?
MADISON
Nah, he went out. I’m sure he’s doing manly things that women can’t do like… getting prostate cancer.
PIERRE
Well, it is actually you I wish to speak to you.
MADISON
Really? Why?
PIERRE
I could tell you appreciate the direness of our situation.
MADISON
What, because I’m a girl and I like clothes? You know, in my day, there are male Hip Hop artists who spend more on their sneaker collection than some small countries spend on their… sneaker… collection.
PIERRE
It is wrong to devalue women simply because they enjoy fashion.
MADISON
And there are plenty of women who don’t value fashion. Clearly, because Birkenstocks exist.
PIERRE
And perhaps a gown is not atomic secrets, but it is a valuable secret that still needs protection.
MADISON
I’m onboard, but what can I do? Oh! I know! I can wear the gown so no one could steal it! Like when someone attaches a briefcase to your wrist with handcuffs? I’ve got my own handcuffs!
PIERRE
I was more hoping you could persuade Chandu we need him. I worry my brother was too abrasive.
MADISON
Hmmm. I could try to come up with a reason for us to go back to your place and then you could talk to Chandu when your brother wasn’t around.
PIERRE
Yes, yes!
MADISON
Then I can put on the gown to protect it!
PIERRE
I am not sure the gown… maybe… would fit you?
MADISON
What?!
PIERRE
With your very impressive… bosom?
MADISON
Oh. Yeah. In the 1930s you weren’t exactly designing gowns for women with breast augmentation.
PIERRE
Heh-heh, yes. All right then, you bring Chandu. I am going there now to relieve Henri from his shift of guard duty. Come in say, an hour?
MADISON
Yeah, an hour works… Hey! Here, take my clutch.
PIERRE
This knock off you clearly got from a street vender?
MADISON
Okay, wow. You wanna take a shot at my dress, too, because I’m working as a magician’s assistant and this guy isn’t exactly David Copperfield. He’s barely Doug Henning.
PIERRE
My apologies.
MADISON
Take the purse and I’ll tell Chandu I left it at your place so we have to go back and get it.
PIERRE
Ah! I see! Thank you so much, Mademoiselle Standish! This means so much to me! And, of course, my brother. Au revoir!
MADISON
Uh, yeah, reservoir. Well, how about that, girls? You’re too big for 30’s couture. You’ll have to wait for trailblazers like Dolly Parton.
SCENE FOUR
LOUISE
May we come in, Henri?
HENRI
Of course, Louise.
LOUISE
This is Monsieur Phillips.
HENRI
Pleasure to meet you.
PHILLIPS
Yeah, so let’s see the goods.
HENRI
Ah, of course. Direct to business. Behold, Monsieur Phillips, the latest and greatest gown in my creation.
PHILLIPS
That’s a beauty.
LOUISE
Did I not tell you, Monsieur Phillips? This will be quite valuable to the manufacturers in the United States, no?
PHILLIPS
I still don’t get this. You’re gonna let me steal your own design?
HENRI
This one you bring me, he is not so bright, Louise.
LOUISE
We are not interested in his intelligence, Henri, only his money. And considering how much wine he had at my café waiting for you, he owes us a lot of money.
HENRI
I could not help the delay. I had to ensure Pierre was gone. Go ahead, Monsieur Phillips, make your sketch.
PHILLIPS
All right, but I need a little more light.
HENRI
Certainly, certainly. Louise, the lamp.
LOUISE
Is that better?
PHILLIPS
Uh, yeah. You hear that? Someone’s coming.
LOUISE
Your brother! He is back early!
HENRI
Both of you, hide behind the door! Quickly! Why, Pierre, what are you doing here?
PIERRE
It is my turn to stand guard. Now that you could not get Chandu to help us, we must be more vigilant than ever.
HENRI
I did my best, Pierre, my little brother.
PIERRE
I know, I know. Perhaps Chandu will change his mind.
HENRI
Oh, I would not count on such things. But come now, you should go home and rest. You are not strong enough to stay awake all night.
PIERRE
No, you should go home, brother. I will stay here.
HENRI
Pierre, I insist. I will stay.
PIERRE
What was that, Henri?
HENRI
I heard nothing.
PIERRE
Something made a noise behind the door.
HENRI
See, brother? You are tired. You are hearing things.
PIERRE
Who are these people?
HENRI
Friends.
LOUISE
Henri was telling me of the gown. I simply had to see it.
HENRI
Yes, you know how women are.
PIERRE
But that one! He is sketching. He is sketching my design! Stop! Stop!
PHILLIPS
Chabert, tell this mug to quit botherin’ me. I’m payin’ good money.
HENRI
Be quiet, you fool!
PIERRE
Henri, are you letting him steal this gown?
HENRI
No, no, not exactly.
PIERRE
For twenty years I have let you pose as the world’s greatest designer. You cannot even cut a pattern! You cannot even sketch a pleat! You can not even hold a pair of scissors!
HENRI
If it weren’t for me, you would be locked up in an asylum!
PIERRE
I am not mad. Now I see for twenty years you’ve trying to convince me of it, but tomorrow the masquerade ends!
LOUISE
Henri! Our plans will be ruined!
PIERRE
I will take my rightful place and you will be exposed as the empty fool that you are!
HENRI
No, no! I will not let you!
PHILLIPS
Hey, Chabert! Put down that gun!
HENRI
You will not take from me my standing, Pierre. I will kill you!
PIERRE
I am not afraid of you!
PHILLIPS
Well, so long, pal. I’m gettin’ outta here. I don’t want to get in mixed up in no murder in this country. They like to slice your neck for it.
LOUISE
Henri! Stop him!
HENRI
Where are you going, my friend?
PHILLIPS
Far away from you two nut jobs. You just killed a man.
HENRI
Slight correction. I killed no one. You did.
PHILLIPS
Hey, what are you trying to get away with?
HENRI
Pierre caught you trying to steal the design and you shot him. You and I struggled and the gun went off, killing you. Like this.
PHILLIPS
Hey, now, uh-uh-uh, wait ju– wait just a–
ANNOUNCER
In just a few moments, we will bring you the second act of “Chandu, the Magician.”
PROMO BREAK
SCENE FIVE
ANNOUNCER
And now back to tonight’s story of intrigue and magic! It all started a long time ago, wayback in the very dawn of our civilization. A man picked up his club and killed a buffalo. He dragged the carcass back to his cave. He pointed to the fur. “Now,” he said to his mate, “Make yourself a dress!” But his wife, instead of being grateful, snatched the club and walloped him over the head with it! “Me, wear a gown made out of common old buffalo? Why, the woman in the next cave is dressed in the skin of a sabertooth tiger!” In a crude sort of way, that was man’s first introduction to fashion. Civilization may have progressed since those Neanderthal times, but try to prove it to fifty million husbands.
MADISON
And then Fred and Barney went bowling. So that’s how a generation of children were taught fashion started. Including a reminder that wives have always been petty self-serving bitches who don’t appreciate their husbands. I swear this writer was working through issues he had with women. He and Walt Disney were gettin’ drunk at a bar complaining about their mothers.
ANNOUNCER
Chandu, the–
MADISON
Misogynist!
CHANDU
Are you sure you left your purse at Chabert’s?
MADISON
It was a clutch. I put it down because I hate carrying a clutch.
CHANDU
Then why do you have a clutch?
MADISON
Because the strap kept getting caught on these 1930’s puffy sleeves. Seriously, I look like Little Bo-Peep.
CHANDU
I’ll never understand you women prioritizing fashion over function.
MADISON
What about you, Mr. Suit and Tie?
CHANDU
You’re lucky I’m wearing this suit. Otherwise what would you be holding onto as we walked up the stairs?
HENRI
Pierre! Pierre, speak to me! Speak to me!
CHANDU
That sounds like trouble.
MADISON
Dude!
CHANDU
Chabert! What happened?
HENRI
The swine on the floor! He must’ve forced his way in! He killed Pierre! I sprung at him like a tiger. We struggle, the gun went off, he die.
CHANDU
When did you get here?
HENRI
Just a few moments ago. Oh, Chandu, I pleaded with you to help me!
MADISON
Whoa. This is not how things were supposed to go down.
CHANDU
What do you mean, Madison?
MADISON
Oh, look, my clutch!
CHANDU
Madison! Don’t disturb the crime scene!
MADISON
I’m stepping over the bodies.
CHANDU
That man was sketching your dress, Henri. He was stealing.
HENRI
And now Pierre… Pierre is dead. Poor simple little Pierre.
MADISON
Ew. I think he’s still breathing.
HENRI
Oh?
CHANDU
Yes, Pierre? What are you pointing at?
MADISON
He’s trying to raise his hand. His lips are moving! Dude, this is creepy.
CHANDU
Well, maybe move so you’re not straddling him. He doesn’t have the strength to talk. He’s going very quickly.
MADISON
He’s trying to lift his thumb. Like a “thumb’s up”. This is exactly how I envision Fonzie dying.
CHANDU
What are you trying to show me, Pierre?
MADISON
Ayyy….
CHANDU
Shut up, Madison! Yes, Pierre, I see.
HENRI
Pierre! Oh, it is all over!
CHANDU
Yes, he’s dead.
MADISON
Ah, man, Chandu. How’s it feel to know if you’d just agreed to help these dudes, Pierre would still be alive?
CHANDU
Well, why don’t you check to see if the killer has any identification on him.
MADISON
This is your mess. You touch the dead body.
CHANDU
Fine. Chabert, how long had you been gone?
HENRI
I left immediately after you two did, Monsieur Chandu. I spent some time in the café and, on an impulse, I returned.
MADISON
Right after we left? Weren’t you guarding the gown?
HENRI
I… I was, until Pierre returned. Then I went to the café.
CHANDU
I see. Here, Madison, here’s the killer’s wallet.
MADISON
What am I supposed to do with it? Take all the credit cards and go on a shopping spree through the exclusive boutiques of Paris?
CHANDU
Check for identification.
MADISON
Then take all the credit cards and go on a shopping spree through the exclusive boutiques of Paris?
CHANDU
No shopping spree.
MADISON
How am I supposed to live up to the female stereotypes perpetuated by this show if I can’t go shopping?
CHANDU
So, Chabert, this man came to sketch the dress?
HENRI
My gown, yes.
MADISON
The driver’s license has the name “John Phillips”, but there’s no picture. How do we know it’s really his?
CHANDU
It was in his wallet on his person.
MADISON
That’s it? It’s not laminated, it doesn’t have a hologram, and no radio frequency identification chip. How much fraud in the past had to happen before you guys got your acts together?
CHANDU
Chabert, your brother was locked inside the closet with the dress?
MADISON
I’m seriously asking because it sounds pretty easy to commit fraud in the 30s. A lot easier than when I tried to sell those counterfeit Girl Scout cookies.
HENRI
Yes, Chandu, Pierre was guarding the gown.
CHANDU
How do you suppose Phillips opened that steel door?
HENRI
I cannot say. Perhaps he tricked Pierre into opening it?
CHANDU
Perhaps.
MADISON
I don’t know if this gown is worth losing your life over. I know my Thin Mints weren’t but, Jenny made her choice.
HENRI
Oh, poor Pierre. And if I had not returned, this pig would’ve gotten away with it!
CHANDU
Pierre didn’t know anything about design, you told me.
HENRI
It’s true. He was completely ignorant to all matters pertaining to dressmaking.
CHANDU
I see. Madison, you’re standing near Phillips. Do you smell anything?
MADISON
Are you kidding? With two dead bodies in the room, I’m doing my best not to breathe through my nose.
CHANDU
I smell wine. Phillips had been drinking, I’d say.
MADISON
I’d like to be drinking, I’d say. In fact, if you don’t need me anymore, I think I’ll hit the café downstairs.
CHANDU
Yes, the café downstairs. I’ll join you.
MADISON
Really? You wanna get wasted with me on cheap French wine?
CHANDU
I’d like to do some inquiring at the café.
HENRI
At the café? Why is that, Monsieur?
MADISON
Yeah, why? Pierre’s dead, Pierre’s killer’s dead, gown not stolen… I think we’re done here. Except maybe saying you’re sorry since you basically caused the death of Pierre.
CHANDU
Yes, um, Monsieur Chabert, I’m sorry. I owe you an apology. I should’ve taken your concerns more seriously.
HENRI
It is too late, but… I accept.
CHANDU
Please, may I shake your hand? It would make me feel better.
HENRI
Of course.
CHANDU
Thank you for being so understanding. You better telephone for the police. If they want information from me, they know where I can be reached. Come along, Madison.
MADISON
Yeah, sorry for your loss. At least you didn’t get any blood splatter on the gown.
CHANDU
Madison!
MADISON
What? You don’t want his gown to look like Menstruation couture.
SCENE SIX
LOUISE
May I get you any more wine, Monsieur Chandu?
MADISON
Yes! Oui!
CHANDU
In a moment. Madam Louise, the case is closed, but I just want to satisfy myself on a few things. Nothing important.
MADISON
If it’s not important, wine first.
LOUISE
How may I help?
CHANDU
You didn’t see anyone corresponding to the description of this man, Phillips, in your café?
LOUISE
No. Not in my café.
CHANDU
And Chabert came here at eight this evening?
LOUISE
Oh, yes.
MADISON
Eight o’clock? Ya sure?
CHANDU
Why do you doubt the time, Madison? That was when I went on my constitutional and you were in the office packing. Wait, you were packing, weren’t you? You hadn’t come back to the café to blow through the rest of our expense account, had you?
MADISON
No! I was at the office. But… Pierre came by around eight to see if I could get you to take his case.
CHANDU
Why didn’t you tell me?
MADISON
He wanted me to lie to you because you’re kind of a jerk.
CHANDU
All right, then if Pierre was at our office at eight, Henri should’ve been upstairs guarding the gown.
LOUISE
Eh… of course I was not looking at the clock. Perhaps it was closer to nine.
CHANDU
How long was Henri here?
LOUISE
If my memory serves, perhaps eleven? I do recall he had a premonition about something and wanted to leave immediately.
CHANDU
Eleven? That’s right before we went back there. So, then this man, Phillips, broke in on Pierre and killed him just before Henri returned.
MADISON
Crappy timing for Pierre. I wonder if there’s a parallel universe where Henri arrives in time to save his brother. Kinda like the movie, “Sliding Doors”? Oh, who am I kidding. I never saw it. I hate Gwyneth Paltrow.
CHANDU
Well, I’m satisfied now. Thanks for your cooperation, Madam Louise.
LOUISE
Goodbye, Monsieur Chandu, Mademoiselle Standish.
CHANDU
Au revoir.
MADISON
What’s this “au revoir?” I came here to get wasted on French wine and I’m not leaving until I’m wasted on French wine.
CHANDU
With your tolerance level, a snail could finish the Tour de France before you become intoxicated.
MADISON
Did you know, that most French people do not eat snails? Americans are always grossed out at eating snails, but if someone just dropped them in a deep fat fryer, they’d be sellin’ out at the county faire.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
I don’t get it, Chandu. It totally adds up. Pierre was guarding the gown, Phillips forced his way in to steal the design, killing Pierre in the process, and then Henri killed Phillips. What am I missing?
CHANDU
Henri Chabert is a liar. I know he’s lying. It didn’t happen that way.
MADISON
Based on what? Is this your “extrasensory perception”? Because we’re like, deep in the second act and haven’t seen any reason why you’re called Chandu, “the Magician.”
CHANDU
Call it what you like, but I think I have evidence.
MADISON
Okay, what evidence?
CHANDU
You’ll have to wait, Madison. I was trying to scare somebody.
MADISON
Sorry to disappoint, but magicians are not scary. Even the dark goth ones. They come off like a Christian rock band. So not as cool as they think they are.
CHANDU
Let me answer this phone call and we’ll see if I did scare someone. Hello?
LOUISE
Chandu? It is Madam Louise. You will meet me at my office. Something vitally important.
CHANDU
Certainly, Madam Louise, at once.
LOUISE
No, not now. Come in say, two hours when I close the café. There is a back entrance in a small alley.
CHANDU
I’ll be there.
LOUISE
Thank you, Chandu, thank you!
MADISON
You were trying to scare Madam Louise? All you needed to do was tell her you’re gonna call a health inspector on her café. Seriously. It’s like “Ratatouille” in there.
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
Oh, come on, Chandu! This is so a trap.
CHANDU
Of course it is, but I have a little plan, Madison.
MADISON
You have plan? Well, I’ll tell you their plan. “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Chandu, the Magician. Chandu, the Magician? The one guy who could prove we’re murderers and put us in jail? Hang on a sec. Bang! Bang! Bang!”
CHANDU
No doubt about it.
MADISON
So am I covering you with this gun? Because I might’ve lied on my resume about my weapons experience. Instead of “expert level” it shoulda read, “none.”
CHANDU
Come along.
HENRI
Who is it?
MADISON
It’s Henri! The second you answer, he’ll fire through the door!
CHANDU
Madison, fall to the ground! Madison, get down! Now!
MADISON
I’m trying! But I got 1930’s undergarments working against me here! Ow.
CHANDU
It’s Chandu.
HENRI
Are you alone?
CHANDU
Yes.
LOUISE
Shoot! Shoot! Kill him! Ah! Now we are safe! Chandu!
CHANDU
Hello. I brought a friend.
HENRI
What is that sound?
MADISON
Me trying to get up. Little help?
HENRI
Pierre!
MADISON
Drop your gun, Henri. I’ve got you covered. One false move and I’ll take out your ankles.
HENRI
Pierre? It is you?
CHANDU
Say hello to the people, Pierre.
PIERRE
Henri… Henri…
HENRI
No… no…
LOUISE
You fool! It is only Chandu standing there! And… Madison lying in the gutter.
MADISON
You got a run in your nylons, by the way.
CHANDU
Pierre is with us, too.
HENRI
I hear Pierre. I see him!
MADISON
Keep your hands up, Louise! Or, down. I could see them better if you hold them down. Can you squat?
CHANDU
Of course you see Pierre.
HENRI
Pierre! Please!
LOUISE
Idiot! There is no one here!
PIERRE
I am here, Henri… You see me… you see me….
HENRI
Yes! Yes!
LOUISE
It is ventriloquism! Chandu, can throw his voice! He cannot prove a thing!
PIERRE
Is that why you killed me, Henri? To hide the truth?
LOUISE
No, no, no! Pierre is not here! It is an illusion. Do not let Chandu work on your mind. Fight him or we are lost!
CHANDU
Take care of her, Madison. She’s upsetting my schedule.
MADISON
I can’t get up!
CHANDU
Find a way.
MADISON
All right. But this ain’t gonna be pretty. First the dress… Now you, lady. Tah-dah.
CHANDU
Chabert, you killed your half brother.
HENRI
Killed? No! You’re alive, Pierre! You’re here! I see you!
PIERRE
No, I am dead. You shot me.
HENRI
Then, how? How can you talk to me?
CHANDU
Your conscience is talking to you.
MADISON
My conscience tries to talk to me all the time. Thankfully I’m not an active listener.
HENRI
But it is Pierre. It is his voice.
PIERRE
I told Chandu. I told him before I died.
CHANDU
Show him how you told me. Walk over to him.
HENRI
No, no, no! Keep away from me!
PIERRE
This is how Chandu could tell. Pull my thumb, Henri.
MADISON
What is this? Fart jokes from the dead?
CHANDU
What about your thumb, Henri? It proves you’re an imposter. Pierre decided to expose you, and that’s why you killed him.
HENRI
I had to kill you, Pierre!
CHANDU
Pierre is dead. Who are you talking to?
HENRI
He was here. I saw him. I saw him!
MADISON
So… that’s your whole schtick, then?
CHANDU
I don’t know what you mean.
MADISON
That’s the magician stuff? No card tricks, no sawing a lady in half just… f’in’ with people?
CHANDU
More or less.
MADISON
Okay, let’s go back. How did you figure out Henri was lying in the first place?
CHANDU
Well, you remember how Henri said Pierre was no dressmaker?
MADISON
O.M.G., when I was a kid, I actually did a line of clothing for my Barbies. Until my mom realized I’d cut up some clothes from her closet. Truth be told, Barbie looked better than my mom in the Dior.
CHANDU
Then you might know that dressmaking can be hard on the designer’s hands.
MADISON
Oh, yeah. My fingers got so used to being stuck by needles, that getting a voodoo doll of my mom so she wouldn’t punish me was a no- brainer.
CHANDU
When Pierre was dying, he couldn’t speak, but he did show me his thumb. It was calloced. Then, when I shook Henri’s hand, I noticed his was not.
MADISON
So Henri was pretending to be the designer all this time? Why would Pierre do that? Dude, brag on yourself, ’cause, no one else is gonna do it for ya, except maybe your mom. If you don’t cut up her Dior.
CHANDU
Pierre was a timid little creature and completely under Henri’s domination. But one day, those timid little creatures explode, and then look out.
MADISON
Pretty much why I decided to go away to college. When my sister quit chess club to take martial arts, I saw the writing on the wall.
CHANDU
Well, now we have to arrange a date for Henri with a special lady.
MADISON
A date? Special lady? Not what I was expecting as punishment for murder.
CHANDU
Well, this lady doesn’t care anything about clothes. As a matter fact, she doesn’t wear any.
MADISON
Are we taking him to the brothels of Paris? Get him syphilis and let the disease do the job?
CHANDU
The woman I speak of is a sharp old biddy. Her name is Madame Guillotine.
MADISON
Oh, I see what you did there. Off with his head, huh? Okay, well, since both the Chabert brothers are gonna be dead anyway, how ’bout I go back there and get the gown? A little altering and I could rock that thing like it was at the Met Gala.
CHANDU
That would still be stealing.
MADISON
So? Good luck tryin’ to get my conscience to guilt me. There’s a backlog of things I should feel guilty about and that’s where the French wine comes in.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Chandu, the Magician” originated in 1931 from Los Angeles and started as a five day a week, fifteen minute serial heard across the West Coast. The series had many various incarnations in its lifetime including being made into films in the early 1930s. Geared towards children, most of the plots saw Chandu traveling to real and mystic locales alongside his sister, Dorothy, and often joined by her two teenage children. Chandu would have an impact on Steve Ditko and Stan Lee, both children at the time of the original broadcasts, who used the 1930’s serial as an inspiration for Marvel’s Doctor Strange.