MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE DAMON RUNYON THEATRE: MADAME LA GIMP”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: AUG 2023
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The Damon Runyon Theater! Once again, The Damon Runyon Theater brings you another story by the master storyteller, Damon Runyon!
MADISON
Hang on! Real quick! Damon Runyon wrote fictional short stories for newspapers from 1900 through his death in 1946. These stories were sweet and sentimental tales about New York gamblers, hustlers, performers and gangsters. A few of which became the basis for the musical “Guys and Dolls.”
ANNOUNCER
To tell you tonight’s story, here is Broadway.
MADISON
Okay, um, Broadway was his character who knew everybody and would tell the stories from his experiences. He was named “Broadway” after the street. And… well… there’s somebody else you might know who’s named after a well known New York street.
ANNOUNCER
And now, the famous Damon Runyon tale entitled… “Madame La Gimp.”
MADISON
Okay, here we go! So, one night I was standing at the corner of Fiftieth and Broadway. Which was way nicer in the 40s because in modern day, they have an Applebee’s on that corner. No joke. That address is legit to the script and I looked it up. Cray, right? The universe aligns. Anyway, I was just hangin’ on the street corner, which was a lot less street-walkery than it sounds now that I’m saying it, when along comes this guy called Dave the Dude. “Dude” back then meant a really sharp dresser. Not Jeff Bridge’s shuffling through a Ralph’s grocery store in a bathrobe. So, Dave pulls up in a cab.
DAVE
Hey, Madison, I need you to come with me.
MADISON
Okay, it still sounds street walker-y. But it wasn’t. Because even though Damon Runyon wrote about hustlers and gangsters, he kinda side-stepped the whole “ladies of the night” category. So I get into the cab with Dave the Dude and we drive off to one of the craziest things ever to happen on Broadway. Or off Broadway. Off- off Broadway? In the vicinity. Dave the Dude and I drive clear
to the East side to a bunch of apartments I can only describe as skid row after an air raid. I’m little like, “what’s up with this?” but Dave doesn’t say anything as he leads me into one of the buildings. I know Damon Runyon doesn’t write about serial killers, so I’m feeling pretty safe, just not wanting to touch anything, imagining the rats that have been there before me. Then Dave starts climbing the stairs. Halfway up he finally speaks.
DAVE
It’s on the top floor.
MADISON
What is? The peak of Mount Everest?
DAVE
You know Madame La Gimp?
MADISON
No. But I sure hope she’s got an oxygen tank.
DAVE
Madame La Gimp is the old doll that hangs around the theaters selling two day old newspapers and tired flowers from the undertakers’ parlor.
MADISON
She also a Sherpa?
DAVE
Here we are, this is it.
MADISON
Great. I’ll set up camp. If she’s not at home after we climbed this mountain, you’re carrying me down. No one’s gonna find my frozen corpse here after the spring thaw.
DAVE
She is home, alright. I brought her back from the hospital.
MADISON
Hospital? Heart attack from the stairs?
DAVE
All right, you are going to have to get over the stairs. I have heard less complaints from guys on death row.
MADISON
It’s what I do. It’s my style of comedy.
DAVE
Yeah, well, this here is serious. Madame La Gimp, she tries to knock herself off last night.
MADISON
Oh, god! And she’s not answering?! You think she’s dead in there?!
DAVE
Come on. Madame? Hey, Madame La Gimp!
MADISON
It’s dark in here. I’m not smelling rotting corpse, but a scented candle would not go amiss.
DAVE
There is a gas jet right there. Light it.
MADISON
You want me to light a gas jet? No way. There are too many stairs between me and escaping a fiery death.
DAVE
Fine. I got it.
MADISON
Dude! Eh, Dave the Dude! Look, there she is!
DAVE
Madame? Hey, Madame La Gimp?
MADISON
Please tell me she’s just sleeping with her eyes open…?
DAVE
Maybe she…. Hey, Madame! Madame!
MADAME LA GIMP
Huh?
MADISON
Oh, thank god. I’d like to go one episode without a corpse.
DAVE
Madame, look here, it is Dave. Dave and Madison.
MADAME LA GIMP
Oh… Dave? And… who?
MADISON
Madison. As in “Avenue.” One of a generation of girls named for a joke in a Tom Hanks’ movie. Ha-ha-ha. Hi.
MADAME LA GIMP
Oh. Hello.
DAVE
Madame, you scared us for a minute.
MADAME LA GIMP
Please… please go away. Let me alone.
DAVE
We are going to help ya. Madison and me, you get that? We are here to help ya.
MADAME LA GIMP
Nobody can help me. Nobody. Now will you please go away. Go away!
MADISON
Hey, I have not climbed that many stairs since the off button on my StairMaster got stuck and no one noticed me calling for help until they were closing the gym.
MADAME LA GIMP
Uh… oh?
MADISON
I’m just lucky it wasn’t a 24 Hour Fitness.
MADAME LA GIMP I… I’m sorry.
MADISON
It’s okay! I got really toned glutes.
MADAME LA GIMP
You’re very nice people. They should’ve let me die. They should have let me die!
MADISON
Uh… Dave?
DAVE
Yeah?
MADISON
You gonna… tend to this?
DAVE
I think it is better if we just sit down and let her get this cry over with. Then we can talk to her.
MADISON
Sure, yeah, okay. Um… In the meantime, I’m just gonna pop my ear buds in and play some music. I find I handle human suffering better if I don’t see or hear it.
SCENE TWO
MADISON
So we sit there for like, ever, while Madame La Gimp balls her eyes out. I can’t cover up her loud crying, so I go with a Taylor Swift breakups playlist and it is perfection. Finally she dries out so Dave the Dude can ask her some questions, and this is what she says…
MADAME LA GIMP
Dave, hand me that big envelope.
DAVE T
his one?
MADAME LA GIMP
Yeah.
MADAME LA GIMP
Look at this photograph.
MADISON
Daymn! That girl’s hot enough to hide that pic under my mattress and visit later.
MADAME LA GIMP
Doesn’t look much like her mother, does she?
MADISON
I don’t know. Got any pictures of her in there? Mother/daughter hotties?
MADAME LA GIMP
You’re lookin’ at her mother right now.
MADISON
You?! Yeah, zero resemblance.
DAVE
What is this you are you giving us, Madame?
MADAME LA GIMP
I don’t blame you for not believin’ it. That’s my daughter. Eulallie.
MADISON
“Eulallie?” The heck kinda name is “Eulallie?”
DAVE
Your name is “Madison.”
MADISON
Yeah, after a hot mermaid.
DAVE
Eulallie, huh? Okay. Maybe you had better do some more talkin’.
MADAME LA GIMP
I haven’t seen her since she was a little baby. She was raised in Spain where I came from.
MADISON
So “La Gimp” is Spanish?
DAVE
That is not her real name.
MADAME LA GIMP
I’m not a real “Madame” either.
MADISON
I dunno. In this neighborhood…
DAVE
So, why you send her away?
MADAME LA GIMP
I wanted her to be a lady. I took all the money I had in the world and sent her to Spain. That was eighteen years ago.
DAVE
You with money?
MADISON
You don’t think Madams make good money?
MADAME LA GIMP
Here, look at these photographs. They’re a little faded but you’ll get the idea.
MADISON
That’s you?
MADAME LA GIMP
I was a dancer then.
MADISON
Okay. Extra hottie points for flexibility.
MADAME LA GIMP
I was the toast of Broadway. You can’t say anything can you? I don’t blame you. It’s a pretty long way from those to this.
DAVE
What happens to ya?
MADAME LA GIMP
You can see the whole thing for fifteen cents in any old night flop movie. Make a million, spend a million. The only trouble is, the years don’t wait for you to keep counting on tomorrow.
MADISON
I’m counting on plastic surgery for my tomorrows.
DAVE
Yeah, but, last night you tried to knock yourself off. You hold out for all these years, then suddenly you try to put your lights out? Why you do that?
MADISON
Negative body image is real, Dave.
MADAME LA GIMP
Eulallie is coming here.
DAVE
So? After eighteen years you see her.
MADAME LA GIMP
After eighteen years she sees me. Me. Take a good look. What’dya see?
DAVE/MADISON Uh…
MADAME LA GIMP
Uh, huh, that’s what I thought.
MADISON
Wait. I’m working on a neutral yet polite response.
MADAME LA GIMP
And she’s gonna be married. Married to the son of one of the oldest families in Spain.
DAVE
Swell. Then we have a happy ending.
MADAME LA GIMP
Dave, they’re all coming over here to see me. They’re on their way now. And when they see me, what’re they gonna say, huh? What are they gonna say? Think they’ll let their son marry a girl whose mother is “Madame La Gimp”?
DAVE
Why not?
MADISON
Dave, you are so clueless you could hang with Alicia Silverstone.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
So after that, Madame La Gimp goes into the full recap. Apparently, Eulallie thinks her mom is an uptown girl, and has no idea she’s really livin’ in a downtown world. Madame La Gimp has been fronting herself all these years by writing letters on stationery she rips off from fancy apartments where she works as a cleaning lady.
Dave gets her to promise not to do anything to herself, and we
head back down the mountain. When we get outside, Dave says…
DAVE
Madison, what are we going to do?
MADISON
My advice to her, when creating epic lies — keep an excel spreadsheet. Organization is a must when you’re lying. Because you say one contradictory thing, and the police will nail you in a heartbeat.
DAVE
She has not done nothin’ illegal.
MADISON
And as far as LAPD is concerned, neither have I.
DAVE
We have got to get Madame La Gimp out of this jam.
MADISON
Okay, ideas? She lied about being high society with a rich husband. The only time I tell lies that far off, is on a work resume. And if they check up on me, I don’t want to work for them, anyway.
DAVE
Ah-ha! I am forming an idea. Do you know Judge Henry G. Blake?
MADISON
You gotta stop asking me if I know these people. I’m only slummin’ it for this one episode. I hope to end up in the Ritz on the next show.
DAVE
Well, Judge Blake is no judge.
MADISON
Has he got one of those judge reality shows? OMG, those shows are so fake. I did one where it was supposed to be like, my ex- boyfriend didn’t finish the work on my bathroom before he broke up with me and I was all, “He has to finish, I paid him for the job. Not my fault he dumped me.” Totally sounds like I’m right, right?
DAVE
Uh…
MADISON
Well, halfway through he starts saying he came over once while we were still dating, and saw his friend’s car in the driveway and like, all the audience started booing me and I realized, oh, crap! They made me the bitch!
DAVE
Uh…
MADISON
I got a lecture from Judge Hatchett! Do you believe that?
DAVE
Uh…
MADISON
Judge Judy woulda been on my side. She’d been like, “I don’t care who she’s boinking, she paid you. Fix her toilet!”
DAVE
Uh… yeah. Back to Judge Blake. He might not be no judge, but he looks the part. I think he could pass for a wealthy husband.
MADISON
I thought he was trying to pass for a judge.
DAVE
No, no, no, listen. He is going to be Madame’s husband. Get it?
MADISON
Oh… you’re gonna fake it so that she looks like she is a wealthy socialite so her daughter and her fiancé and his family will be fooled and… happy ending?
DAVE
And why not?
MADISON
Will this judge-guy do it? I mean… Madame La Gimp is a tad past her prime. If tads were measured in decades.
DAVE
He will do it. I got the judge on my books for a grand. I will cancel the bet for the favor.
MADISON
So what if she has a wealthy looking husband? She’s also supposed to be living in a fancy apartment.
DAVE
Yeah. The Marberry. Well, leave that to me. I have connections. Now look, you locate Judge Henry G. Blake and tell him I want to see him.
MADISON
Where would he be? City Hall? Actually the L.A. City Hall is pretty much a tent city homeless camp now, so that tracks.
DAVE
The chances are ten to one you will find him at Durrell’s Billiard Parlor puttin’ the trim to a sucker.
MADISON
Okay, I’ll go talk to him. But you should know this whole plan is, like, a plot in every sitcom, and it never works. The lesson usually is, “Be yourself and people will love you for who you are, blah, blah, blah.” Which isn’t true. We all go around showing fake versions of ourselves every day. If we showed people who we really are, our entire lives would be one big “unfollow!”
SCENE FOUR
JUDGE
Ah. Good shot, my man. Good shot.
MADISON
Hey, um, are you Judge Blake?
JUDGE
Not now, my dear! Not now! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a very important game!
MADISON
Oh, right. Dave the Dude said you were a pool shark.
SUCKER
What’d she say?
JUDGE
Oh, ha, ha! How should I know? I’ve never met this woman before in my whole life!
MADISON
Are you gonna be hustling this guy for very long? Because Dave wanted me to talk to you.
SUCKER
Hustling? Did she say “hustling”?
JUDGE
Clearly this strange woman knows nothing about the game of pool. Now then, nine ball, corner pocket.
MADISON
Wow, you are good.
SUCKER
Yeah. Better than you first lead on.
JUDGE
Oh, well, I’ve played a game or two in my day.
MADISON
According to Dave, you’re in this pool hall so much, your fingers are permanently blue from the cue chalk.
SUCKER
All right. Bet’s off.
JUDGE
That would be welching!
SUCKER
And you would be cheating. Which do you suppose is more likely to end in a beating?
JUDGE
How about I take care of your tab at the bar?
SUCKER
Very kind of you.
JUDGE
Well, young lady, I hope you’re satisfied with yourself. Destroying a man’s means of making a living.
MADISON
You make your living lying and cheating. You sure you’re a judge and not a lawyer?
JUDGE
I’m sure I want nothing more to do with you. Please go away.
MADISON
Dave the Dude sent me to find you.
JUDGE
Dave? Well, you can tell him I am temporarily out of funds. More so now that you scared my fish off the hook.
MADISON
He told me you owe him a grand. Which is a lot of money for the 40s. I’m gonna guess you have a gambling problem.
JUDGE
It’s only a problem when I lose.
MADISON
A thousand dollars seems like a lot of losses. That’s about what my grandma spends every week on scratchers. So much for that inheritance.
JUDGE
Well, I can’t pay him what I don’t have.
MADISON
Actually, he said he’d cancel the debt.
JUDGE
Cancel? He’ll cancel it? In return for what?
MADISON
Marrying Madame La Gimp.
JUDGE
Marry… her?! You’re insane!
MADISON
Then pay him the thousand dollars.
JUDGE
This is extortion! He can’t do this!
MADISON
Yeah he can. He’s a loan shark. They break kneecaps. That happened to a girl once at cheerleading camp. I’m not proud of it, but I was more competitive back then.
JUDGE
But… I don’t love the woman. In fact, my feelings are just the opposite.
MADISON
Hey, a guy once paid me to marry him so he could get his green card. Boy did I screw up his credit rating. Caveat emptor.
JUDGE
Just… tell Dave I’ll get him the money. Soon.
MADISON
C’mon. You’re not actually gonna marry her. All you have to do is pretend to be her husband for a couple of days. No one is gonna make you two consummate the marriage.
JUDGE
Oh. That’s it? All right. Please explain, but gently. I’m a very nervous man.
MADISON
You’re a nervous man with two working kneecaps. Unlike Stephanie Lemmer. Would you like to join her ranks? Because there are a lot less wheelchair ramps in the 40s.
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
After I explained the whole situation to the Judge, about Madame La Gimp and her wanting the best for her daughter, and these rich Spanish people comin’ to town, he agreed to help. Well, after one more threat of bodily harm. So, we head over to Dave the Dude’s place where he’s putting the plan together with Madame La Gimp. And the scene is as follows…
DAVE
Madison tells you what the pitch is, Judge?
JUDGE
Uh, yes, I’m… thoroughly acquainted with the situation.
MADISON
And for now, he’s still got two working kneecaps.
DAVE
Good. Judge, you know Madame La Gimp.
JUDGE
Yes. How do you do, Madame?
MADAME LA GIMP
Dave, I want to go home. I want to get out of here.
DAVE
Why?
MADAME LA GIMP
Why do you think? It’ll never work, not in a million years.
MADISON
That’s what I keep saying. This plot always backfires. Remember the “I Love Lucy” where Lucy and the Mertzs reserve all of the tables at the Tropicana so Ricky’s boss will think he’s popular? Gah! The show won’t premiere until the 50s. How do you people learn any life lessons without television?
JUDGE
I think she has a point, there, Dave.
MADISON
Truth. I wouldn’t be who I am today without having watched endless hours of television in place of parental love and guidance.
JUDGE
So, I will take my leave. It’s been nice seeing you, Madame.
DAVE
Sit down.
JUDGE
All right.
MADAME LA GIMP
He’s right, Dave. Look at me. Take a good look at me. What chance have I got?
DAVE
The one we will give you.
MADAME LA GIMP
It’s no good, I tell you.
DAVE
You want Eulallie to marry this citizen you tell us about?
MADAME LA GIMP
I want her to be happy.
DAVE
Okay. But if she gets here with her ever-lovin’ in-laws-to-be and they lamp you, what happens?
MADISON
They’re gonna give her a lamp? That a Spanish custom?
DAVE
“Lamp” means a wallop to the head.
MADISON
That’s a rude custom!
MADAME LA GIMP
Don’t, Dave, please, don’t.
MADISON
Great. Now you got her crying again. Let me get my phone. TayTay to the rescue.
JUDGE
May I have a drink?
DAVE
No!
JUDGE
But if I’m going to… be her husband… I…
DAVE
Not a drop until this is over with, and that is that. Okay, it is your turn, Madison. Madison! Madison!!
MADISON
What?!
DAVE
It is your turn.
MADISON
My turn? For what?
DAVE
Madison, come in the next room with me. Judge, you talk to Madame La Gimp.
JUDGE
W… what about?
DAVE
Your honeymoon, ya dope! Come on, Madison. Okay, Madison, you been tellin’ everybody up and down Broadway you are some kinda makeup genius.
MADISON
Only so I wouldn’t get arrested for solicitation.
DAVE
So you are not good with hair and makeups?
MADISON
Oh, no, that’s fact. I mean, look at me. Of course your 1940’s makeup probably has lead in it but, at least I’ll die pretty.
DAVE
Are you able to do anything with Madame La Gimp?
MADISON
Whoa… you’re talkin’ extreme makeover, home edition. Like, bulldoze that sucker to the ground and rebuild from scratch.
DAVE
Do not be funny.
MADISON
I can’t help it. Again, my comedy.
DAVE
Get her fixed up. Take her to some of them beauty parlors.
MADISON
That’s like bringing a dead cat to the vet and saying, “Save Fluffy!”
DAVE
Them Spanish folk are going to be here the day after tomorrow. I am countin’ on you.
MADISON
You want me to fix eighteen years of neglect in two days? You got someone pretending to be her husband, why don’t you hire someone to pretend to be her?
DAVE
You know it cannot work that way.
MADISON
I know it cannot work any way.
DAVE
Madison, if you do this, I will consider it a personal favor to me. And when Dave the Dude is owing of someone a favor, they are always handsomely rewarded.
MADISON
Why do you want to help her so much? Selflessness makes me feel uncomfortable. Tell me you have an ulterior motive.
DAVE
Never thought about it. Guess I do not got a stake.
MADISON
You’re, just, being nice?
DAVE
You let that get out on the stem, and I will cook you!
MADISON
No one would believe it, anyway. Everybody’s cynical because everybody’s a jerk.
DAVE
Are you going to help Madame La Gimp or not?
MADISON
Okay, I’ll consider it a challenge. But if you want this “before” to become an “after” in two days, it’s gonna cost ya.
DAVE
How much?
MADISON
Let’s take that altruism of yours to the bank and check your balance. So, I’m in charge of making over Madame La Gimp, and Dave is keeping Judge Blake in line and off the booze. Personally, I think alcohol might be the only solution to getting anyone to believe Madame La Gimp is Madame La-git. But, we gallantly keep calm and carry on. Then what happens later is so cray, it’s worth sitting through a promo break.
ANNOUNCER
The Damon Runyon Theatre will be back in just a moment.
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SIX
ANNOUNCER
And now back to the Damon Runyon Theatre, and the famous story, “Madame La Gimp.”
MADISON
So, it’s finally the morning the boat with the Spanish people is gonna arrive. I thought they’re rich, why didn’t they fly? They got airplanes in the 40s. But apparently planes back then were the equivalent of riding in the back of a non-temperature controlled semi going across the Texas panhandle in the summer off roading. But, truth be told, it was probably better that it took them so long to get here. Gave us extra prep time. And boy, did we seriously need it. Then we all get a call to meet Dave the Dude
at the Marberry Apartments.
DAVE
Well, how do you like it?
MADISON
Niiiice. Art deco is so classy. In my day, people think the epitome of style and wealth is a gold toilet. White trash with money.
JUDGE
Uh, where is my… er… wife?
DAVE
Be out in a minute, Judge. She got here before me. Said she is in need of putting on the final touches. I have yet to see her myself.
MADISON
Maybe I should go help her.
DAVE
Nah. I think she wants to do it herself. She seems in good spirits. I think you done good, Madison.
MADISON
Natch. So, how did you get this place and when can I move in?
DAVE
A guy who lives here lends it to me. He is away for the summer.
MADISON
Being able to leave your super expensive home to live in another super expensive home for a whole season… now that’s wealth. Awww… when is Julie Andrews gonna show up and tell me I’m actually a princess?
MADAME LA GIMP
Hello, everyone. Thank you for being here.
DAVE
Madison… what do you do to her?
JUDGE
This… This is impossible. I didn’t have a drink, did I?
MADISON
Nope. No beer goggles. This is her.
MADAME LA GIMP
Won’t you all sit down?
JUDGE
At this point it is not so much a choice as a necessity. Thank you.
DAVE
Madison, you are a gen-i-ous.
MADISON
Truth be told, once we got her out of those old baggy clothes — and shaved away a Yeti’s worth of hair — this was what was hiding underneath.
JUDGE
Madame, may I offer you a chair?
MADAME LA GIMP
Thank you, Judge.
JUDGE
Uh, Henry. The name is… Henry.
MADAME LA GIMP
Henry.
DAVE
Look, we got a half an hour to get down to the pier.
MADAME LA GIMP
I… I can’t go. No, I can’t go.
DAVE
What?
MADISON
The hell you can’t! I got no social media to post my amazing work, so you need to be seen, woman.
MADAME LA GIMP
I’m scared. I know something will happen to ruin everything. Please, before it’s too late, let’s stop this.
MADISON
Balls already rollin’, sweetie. Look, the plot of these stories is something will definitely ruin everything.
MADAME LA GIMP
Oh! I knew it!
MADISON
But, this is a comedy, right?
DAVE
Yeah, more or less.
MADISON
Well, more now that I’m here. Hi. So, it’ll all work out in the end.
MADAME LA GIMP
But… How will I act? What’ll I say and do?
MADISON
Oh, crap! We didn’t do the etiquette montage. Where she’s taught how to sit properly, how to walk elegantly, which fork to use. Why do they always have so many damn forks? Seriously. Outside of TV and movies, does that actually happen? Someone’s sitting down for dinner, then tragedy strikes, “Which one is the salad fork?” “Banish her!”
MADAME LA GIMP
That’s it! I’m not going!
JUDGE
Madame. If you will permit me to offer my arm, we shall face this thing together. Shall we go?
MADAME LA GIMP
Well… all right.
MADISON
Aw, that’s so cute. Seriously, Dave. We’re doin’ a buffet with finger foods, right? No forks?
DAVE
Yeah. No forks.
MADISON
I don’t think the wrong fork is a big deal but in these plots, man, you never know what’s gonna take you down. And I will not go quietly into the night because of a fork.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
So I don’t go down to the pier, but word is, meeting went awesome with Madame La Gimp and her daughter, who is even more gorge than her pix, by the way. The Judge really pulls out the charm, but I also hear he takes every opportunity to kiss Eulallie, which is super old guy creepy, but it’s the 40s, so men can touch women any inappropriate way they want. Seriously, this is the legacy and why we see dudes like Biden and Cuomo all hands on being like, “What’d I do wrong?” Anyway, the best part of the meeting is Eulallie’s future in-laws don’t speak a lick of English, and only Madame La Gimp speaks Spanish, so it kinda mitigates the damage Dave and the Judge can do. They all get back to the Marberry and then Dave the Dude goes all out. He throws a huge party with celebrities to really drive home the lie. But, I’m sure you’re thinking, like, what celebrities does he even know? Well, this is what happens when I get there.
DAVE
Good evening. I was a little worried you would not show, your honor.
MADISON
Your honor? You’re crazy.
DAVE
Shuddyap. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present her honor, the Mayor of New York!
MADISON
Dude, Dave, Dave the Dude, why are you saying I’m the mayor?
DAVE
Look, it is a necessity to have celebrities.
MADISON
First of all, 1940s, female mayor? Ha, ha, ha. Second, even as of the 2020s, New York has yet to elect a female mayor. So, no matter what decade, my fake appointment to mayor is not gonna fly.
DAVE
We gotta convince those in-laws that Madame La Gimp is a gold-plated mother-in-law for their son. They will not know a mayor from a lady mayor.
MADISON
They don’t speak English. You act like they’ve been living in an isolation chamber their whole lives.
DAVE
You worry too much. I will introduce you to the in-laws later. Pardon me, I must get the door. Here comes Harry the Horse. Talk to him.
MADISON
Dave the Dude. Harry the Horse.
HARRY
Hey, who are you?
MADISON
Madison the Mayor.
HARRY
Ha… I am one up on you. I am the governor. Dave makes me enter politics real sudden.
MADISON
I was in student council once. I was a diversity candidate. Because the entire student government was run by nerds, they wanted someone popular in there for representation. But I was forced out after “Cheerleader-gate.”
HARRY
Cheerleader… gate?
MADISON
I broke the gate to the cheerleading equipment shed because my boyfriend wanted to do it on pom-poms.
HARRY
Well, this is not behavior becoming of a mayor.
MADISON
He’s a city councilmen now.
DAVE
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Vice President of these United States!
HARRY
Vice President! Ha! That is Little Mitzi. I would love to see a Vice President with his wrap sheet!
MADISON
Hang in there. You may see a President with a wrap sheet.
HARRY
Oh! Hey there, Madame! Er… I mean, good evening, Madame La Gimp.
MADAME LA GIMP
It’s been so wonderful. You’ve all been so wonderful.
JUDGE
Oh, tut, tut my dear. It’s been a great pleasure.
HARRY
Sure, we are glad to do it for you, Madame.
MADISON
Is your daughter and her Spanish entourage buying it? You want me to talk to them? I’m from L.A. I’ve picked up a little of Spanish. No, wait. Most of what I’ve retained is curse words.
MADAME LA GIMP
Eulallie will go back to Spain with him, believing I’m what you’ve all made me.
JUDGE
My dear, we made nothing of you that wasn’t already there. I kiss your hand.
HARRY
Hey, look at the Judge bein’ all affectionate.
MADAME LA GIMP
Please, Henry, don’t.
JUDGE
But you’re lovely. Very lovely.
MADISON
My work, thank you. Ugly duckling into a… less ugly duckling. C’mon, there’s only so much I could do with what I had to work with.
MADAME LA GIMP
I want to tell you all something. If I can, I’m going to be different. Do you think I can?
JUDGE
I’m sure of it. As for myself, well I’ve wasted a good many years, too. You know, I wonder if we–
HARRY
Hey, why is everybody so quiet all of a sudden?
MADISON
Look at the guy who just came in. Dave got some dude to dress up like a cop.
HARRY
It is his own wardrobe. For it is Harrigan. Lieutenant Harrigan. And a squad of gendarmes!
MADAME LA GIMP
Oh, no, no.
JUDGE
It can’t happen now. It just can’t!
MADISON
Someone called the cops on this party? If I was at a party this tame back home, I would’ve left already to find a better party. I don’t care if it’s Nanna’s ninetieth birthday.
HARRIGAN
Well, well, well. I’ve never seen anything like this outside of visiting day at Sing Sing.
DAVE
Harrigan. How did you get in here?
HARRIGAN
My badge. It gets me in places. Mitzi, stand still. You too, Wilkins.
DAVE
Harrigan, lay off, will ya? Lay off for the night.
MADISON
Hang on, Dave. I’ve got experience with this.
HARRIGAN
And who might you be, little Miss?
MADISON
Please, officer! My parents aren’t home and they’ll kill me if they find out! I’ve never done anything like this in my whole life! Please! We didn’t mean to make so much noise! They’re all leaving! I promise! Please!!
HARRIGAN
Nice performance. Keep it up and someday maybe we’ll see your name in lights.
HARRY
You already can. Followed by “Square Garden.”
MADISON
Says the guy called “Harry the Horse.”
DAVE
Harrigan, cut us a break. We are not doin’ nothin’ wrong here.
HARRIGAN
I thought I was gettin’ a phony tip about you citizens, but it looks like it was on the level.
HARRY
Harrigan, you do not understand.
HARRIGAN
You’re right, I don’t. But that does not bother me in the least.
JUDGE
My dear Lieutenant–
HARRIGAN
In the big time, now, are you, Judge? I thought pool tables were more your line.
JUDGE
Harrigan! You– you–!
MADISON
Want some of those Spanish words I know?
HARRIGAN
Okay, somebody explain what’s goin’ on. What’s the pitch? What banks are gonna get knocked over tomorrow? From the looks of this crowd, I’d say the United States Mint was in for a bad time. Now start talkin’ or I’ll jug every one of you. Most of you would have a tough time beatin’ any rap. No one’s talkin’? Cat got all your tongues? Okay, let’s go for a ride.
MADAME LA GIMP
No. Wait, Lieutenant.
DAVE
Madame, get back. Do not say a word.
MADAME LA GIMP
I want to.
HARRIGAN
Who are you?
MADAME LA GIMP
You know me. Take a better look.
MADISON
Imagine this, but with a layer of dirt deep enough to plant tulip bulbs.
HARRIGAN
Madame…? No, this is silly.
MADAME LA GIMP
Yes, Madame La Gimp.
DAVE
Madame, think of what you are doing.
MADAME LA GIMP
I am. Maybe I knew all along that this wouldn’t work. Maybe I knew something had to happen.
MADISON
Nailed it.
HARRIGAN
Will you tell me what this is all about?
MADAME LA GIMP
Yes. This is a party for me and my daughter and her fiancé.
HARRIGAN
Your what and her who?
MADAME LA GIMP
My daughter. Yes, I have a daughter, Lieutenant.
MADISON
She’s the smokin’ hot one over there. Now see, if I got to do her hair and makeup… oh… it would be red carpet epic.
MADAME LA GIMP
Yes, that’s her, looking this way. She speaks very little English, but seeing you, she’ll understand enough of this to know what I really am.
DAVE
Madame, cut it out.
MADAME LA GIMP
And those other people, Lieutenant? They’re the mother and father of the boy she was going to marry.
DAVE
Stop it, before it’s too late.
MADAME LA GIMP
It is too late, Dave. Lieutenant, all these people here tonight came because of me. You see, …
MADISON
O.M.G. Madame La Gimp spills the whole tea with Eulallie watching. You could totes tell she didn’t need a translation. Even her fiancé was picking up on the signals. His parents look kerfuzzled, like when you start to play something on Netflix that you didn’t realize was in another language because the opening sequence was all music and sweeping shots of scenery, then the dialogue starts and you’re like, “oh, crap, where’s the subtitles button!”
MADAME LA GIMP
Now, Lieutenant, you’ve got the whole story.
HARRIGAN
Is this on the level?
JUDGE
Absolutely.
HARRY
Take my word for it.
DAVE
So, how is it going be? You takin’ us in?
MADISON
Hang on, let me shoot this with my phone so we have evidence of police misconduct.
HARRIGAN
Can you get whatever that is outta my face, please?
MADISON
Fight the power!
MADAME LA GIMP
What happens now, Lieutenant?
HARRIGAN
Well… to make this look good, you’d better introduce me to the folks.
DAVE
How’s that?
HARRIGAN
You’ve got just about all the big names taken. Introduce me as some sorta celebrity.
DAVE
Ya mean it?
MADAME LA GIMP
Oh! Thank you!
MADISON
Madame La Gimp! This footage won’t work in court if you’re hugging him!
DAVE
Come on over. Señor, Señora… I have the honor to present a great celebrity. Lieutenant Harrigan, New York Police Force.
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
And that was it. The party was over. We didn’t get the typical payoff where Madame La Gimp would come clean to her daughter and her daughter would say something like she knew all along or, I love you, you don’t have to pretend for me… I dunno. Maybe it was the language barrier. But we all left there kinda like… okay, did it work? Cut to the next night. A bunch of us are hanging out at Mindy’s Restaurant, where these guys usually hang out, and Dave the Dude sits down and says as follows…
DAVE
Well, it is all over.
HARRY
What happens, Dave?
DAVE
They are married. They eloped. The young guy is nuts about Eulallie and does not care who her mother is.
HARRY
And his parents?
DAVE
His mother and father know from nothing.
MADISON
Great. Does that mean for every family function we’re gonna have to do this all over again? Can’t you tell them she… lost all her money in the stock market to explain her current lifestyle?
HARRY
I am more concerned that without a debt to cancel, we may have to say the Judge did file for divorce.
DAVE
Nah. That part we got covered. Also last night, the Judge and Madame La Gimp were married.
MADISON
After all the work I did on her, she didn’t make me a bridesmaid? I have a cousin I saw once growing up and I had to give an entire weekend to her wedding.
HARRY
Well, that is much better than real nice. So everything is settled.
DAVE
Not quite. Not quite settled.
MADISON
What do you mean? You wanted to help Madame La Gimp. Drop the banner, “Mission Accomplished.”
DAVE
I have here… a list.
HARRY
A list?
MADISON
Of what? Because I didn’t exactly itemize everything we did for Madame’s makeover. And she was the one who insisted I get new shoes.
DAVE
If every single article listed here is not kicked back to the owners of the different joints in the Marberry they were taken from by next Tuesday night, I will bust a lot of noses around this town. Everything must be returned, especially the baby grand piano that is removed from apartment 9D.
MADISON
Oh, dude, yeah. That was every party I had when my parents were out of town. You learn pretty quickly to lock up the valuables. Although the washer/dryer set was a surprise.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Damon Runyon Theatre” radio show ran from January through December of 1949. Then many of the classic stories would be recreated for television in 1955. Damon Runyon’s unique New York City street characters with names like “Dave the Dude” or “Harry the Horse,” who spoke with no contractions while using street slang, were given the term Ruynonesque. His characters and stories continue to permeate entertainment to this day. When Runyon passed away in 1946 at age 66, from cancer, his ashes were spread by plane over Broadway in Manhattan. It was illegal, but he was so beloved, everyone felt it was the perfect send off.