MADISON ON THE AIR: “DR. KILDARE: DR. CONLIN, QUACK”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: DEC 2021
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The Story of Dr. Kildare!
KILDARE
Blair General Hospital. One of the great citadels of American medicine. A clump of gray-white buildings planted deep in the heart of New York, the nerve center of medical progress, where great minds and skilled hands wage man’s everlasting battle against death and disease.
MADISON
Okay, so it’s no secret, I like hunky doctors. And this Dr. Kildare… O…M…G… He’s like George Clooney meets Patrick Dempsey. Let me tell you about my time working with him…
KILDARE
Blair Hospital. Where life begins, life ends and life goes on.
GILLESPIE
Any further examinations for Mrs. Bradley, Jimmy?
KILDARE
No, we’ll learn more when we take the x-rays tomorrow.
MADISON
Oh, thank God. I was afraid you were gonna make me draw blood or something.
KILDARE
As a candy striper, Miss Standish, that would not fall under your list of duties.
MADISON
I’m also not cleaning bed pans. That is non-negotiable.
GILLESPIE
Why, that’s hardly the attitude we expect here at Blair General, Miss Standish.
MADISON
I’m a volunteer. You get what you pay for.
KILDARE
So, Mrs. Bradley, you understand you are to be here at nine o’clock in the morning for x-rays?
MRS. BRADLEY
Yes, Dr. Kildare, nine o’clock. Tell me something, Dr. Gillespie, is it real bad?
GILLESPIE
Well, now, Mrs. Bradley–
MADISON
Let’s just say, if you’ve got a bucket list, it better be a short list.
KILDARE
Mrs. Bradley, you’re expecting a diagnosis before we’ve even finished completing our examination.
MRS. BRADLEY
What did she mean about a “short list”?
MADISON
If you’re gonna order anything online, be sure to get next day delivery.
MRS. BRADLEY
What?
GILLESPIE
You can listen to your doctors, or you can listen to someone who is in here to empty the waste paper baskets.
KILDARE
We’ll take some x-rays in the morning, maybe run some other tests, and then we’ll know a lot more about it.
MRS. BRADLEY
It’s been bothering me on and off for a year now, but it got worse about four months ago.
MADISON/KILDARE
Really?
KILDARE
Do you mind if I ask the questions?
MADISON
Go for it.
KILDARE
Thank you. Mrs. Bradley, if it’s been bothering you for so long, why is this the first time you’ve been to the clinic?
MRS. BRADLEY
Well, I went to see Dr. Conlin for a while.
GILLESPIE
Conlin? Conlin, Conlin… I don’t know any Dr. Conlin, Jimmy.
MRS. BRADLEY
You know, he’s the one that advertises all the time. He has that machine… whatever it’s called.
MADISON
Ooo! I love old timey medicine. What kind of a machine? Like an iron lung?
MRS. BRADLEY
No…
KILDARE
No, Miss Standish. I’ve seen the advertisements. Dr. Conlin uses what I think he calls an “Electro Radonic Diagnosti-Scope.”
GILLESPIE
Oh, yeah, that one.
MADISON
That sounds totally made up.
GILLESPIE
What did Dr. Conlin say was wrong with you, Mrs. Bradley?
MRS. BRADLEY
Well, it’s really complicated. It’s something about the electricity being in my joints and my liver, when it ought to be out in my fingertips.
KILDARE
Miss Standish, perhaps you can clean that waste paper basket now?
MADISON
Oh! Excuse me. Electricity in her joints and liver? Dude, is Dr. Conlin like, the first Dr. Oz? Did he have you try Hydroxychloroquine or Ivermectin?
MRS. BRADLEY
Um… no. Just the machine. It didn’t seem to help me much, but he said if I could keep on it, it would happen overnight. That’s how it works.
MADISON
Yeah, and for guaranteed results, be sure to place the Black Onyx on your solar plexus chakra.
MRS. BRADLEY
Dr. Conlin has all kinds of letters from people he’s cured. I went to him regular… until I couldn’t afford it anymore.
GILLESPIE
Why, the tarnation… Jimmy are you–
KILDARE
Yeah, I know. You can go now, if you’d like, Mrs. Bradley.
MRS. BRADLEY
All right, Dr. Kildare.
GILLESPIE
We’ll see you in the morning.
MRS. BRADLEY
Thank you, Dr. Gillespie. Goodbye, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Later. I hope. So, I might not be a doctor–
GILLESPIE
No truer words were ever spoken.
MADISON
Hey, I’ve watched enough “Grey’s Anatomy” to know a cancer storyline when I see one.
GILLESPIE
Not much doubt about it, Miss Standish– but I’d thank you to leave the diagnoses to the diagnosticians.
KILDARE
Mrs. Bradley doesn’t have a chance in a thousand.
GILLESPIE
Oh, confound it, Jimmy, cancer can be cured.
MADISON
Really? Even in the fifties?
GILLESPIE
“Even in the fi–” Well, yes, of course! If they come to us in the beginning.
KILDARE
In this case, you know why she didn’t.
MADISON
Lack of access to good healthcare?
KILDARE
No. Because of Dr. Conlin and his… Electro Radonic Diagnosti- Scope.
GILLESPIE
Electricity in the joints…
KILDARE
She went to him until her savings ran out.
MADISON
Yeah, that’s American healthcare. You go bankrupt trying not to die.
GILLESPIE
Charlatan.
MADISON
Oh, please, like you guys are any different? The existence of health insurance at all was created during the Great Depression to make sure whoever walks through your hospital doors won’t stiff you on their bill.
GILLESPIE
And how did you come to hear that?
MADISON
I ended up down a rabbit hole of history TikToks. I can also tell you more than you probably want to know about President Taft.
GILLESPIE
Anyhow, that’s for the penny pinchers upstairs to worry about. We’re here to help the sick.
KILDARE
And besides, we’re discussing a man using unproven and ineffective methods as “cure alls” at the expense of people who are gravely ill, just to earn a buck.
MADISON
All right. I know I’m about seventy years too early for the single payer healthcare discussion. It’s the 1950s… Bernie Sanders is probably not even hit puberty yet.
KILDARE
I’m afraid Mrs. Bradley’s not the only victim. I’ve seen others come into this clinic before. Victims either of Dr. Conlin or a hundred other fakes just like him. Dr. Gillespie, that man oughta be stopped.
GILLESPIE
He ought to be smashed.
KILDARE
And furthermore, he’s going to be stopped!
GILLESPIE
How?
KILDARE
I don’t know how.
MADISON
By having easier access to medical professionals without the corporate greed of insurance making the public afraid to seek help for fear of going into financial ruin?
GILLESPIE
Are we going to have to hear about this the entire episode?
MADISON
Like the fabled Cassandra, I am burdened with the knowledge of the future, surrounded by those who won’t heed my warnings.
GILLESPIE
What?!
MADISON
Also went down a rabbit hole of Greek mythology.
SCENE TWO
GILLESPIE
How much more time are you planning on devoting to this undertaking, Jimmy?
KILDARE
Be quiet, now, I’m trying to listen to Miss Standish’s heart.
MADISON
Yeah, shut up, old man! Just because you’re too shriveled up to enjoy the touch of the opposite sex, doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us.
GILLESPIE
What in tarnation is she talking about?
KILDARE
Shh. Quiet now. All right, I’m finished.
MADISON
So, what do you think, Dr. Kildare?
KILDARE
Your heart sounds perfect.
MADISON
No, I mean what do you think of us going out to dinner tonight?
KILDARE
What? Uh… Dr. Gillespie?
GILLESPIE
Don’t look at me, Jimmy, I’m too “shriveled up” for dinner.
CAREW
Dr. Kildare–
KILDARE
Good afternoon, Dr. Carew!
CAREW
Dr. Kildare, what is the meaning of this? Someone informed me that you’ve had this… candy striper examined today for two different consultants.
MADISON
Um, I have a name. It’s Madison.
CAREW
Oh, really? Then why does your name tag say, “Diana”?
MADISON
Probably because rather than take my uniform home to wash it, I stole a clean one from someone else’s locker.
CAREW
Well? Are you ill?
MADISON
Uh… I claim doctor-patient privilege.
KILDARE
Miss Standish is merely getting ready for an ordeal Dr. Carew. So, I’d insisted she be examined by Betolli and Mace. You know they’re two of the best internists in the country.
CAREW
Of course I know they are two of the best internists. I run this hospital. I hired them. And… what… “ordeal?”
KILDARE
So, between the three of us, under the neutral and expert eye of Dr. Gillespie, of course–
GILLESPIE
That’s right.
KILDARE
–We recorded our observations of Miss Standish’s health.
CAREW
Why?
KILDARE
Why? To put an end to a crooked doctor, that’s why.
GILLESPIE
Confound it, Carew, it’s common sense. We have to have her current state of health fully documented prior to her visit to Dr. Conlin in order to debunk his findings.
KILDARE
Then I’ll take Miss Standish to see Dr. Conlin under the pretense of her being ill.
MADISON
I’m going to be Dr. Kildare’s wife.
CAREW
Oh?
KILDARE
W-wait… no. You were going to be my sister.
MADISON
With all of this sexual tension between us?
GILLESPIE
Yes, Jimmy, Miss Standish playing your wife makes much more sense.
KILDARE
But–
CAREW
It does seem more believable.
KILDARE
Perhaps, but–
MADISON
We already have dinner plans.
KILDARE
No, we hadn’t agreed on–
GILLESPIE
I do so envy you, Jimmy, with your noble pursuits.
KILDARE
What I do, I do for science.
MADISON
Then after dinner we can try some “at-home” medical experiments. You’re not claustrophobic are you?
SCENE THREE
CONLIN
Yes indeed, Mr. Standish, you’ve certainly brought your wife to the right place. We’ll have her on her feet in no time at all.
MADISON
Oh, honey, isn’t that wonderful?
KILDARE
Yes, darling. You’re going to be all right. So, can you let go of my arm now?
MADISON
Married all these years and I still feel like we’re on our honeymoon.
CONLIN
So, your concerns, Mr. Standish?
KILDARE
Uh, yes. You see, my wife’s been having this trouble for nearly a year, but I couldn’t get her to go to a doctor. She has an idea that they’re all, well, quacks.
MADISON
I really am a handful, aren’t I, sweetheart?
KILDARE
Heh, heh. Like no other.
CONLIN
I don’t blame her, Mr. Standish. I recognized your wife as a woman of keen intelligence the minute she walked in here.
MADISON
Thank you! Man, I wish you’d been my world lit teacher. She had it out for me from the beginning. Like I was the first student to come to class drunk? Summer school would’ve been a complete disaster… if I’d actually gone.
CONLIN
Well, you certainly were smart enough to marry this… successful businessman, I’d venture?
MADISON
Yup. That’s how us women use our intelligence. To land a husband.
KILDARE
Uh, yes. I own a chain of grocery stores.
CONLIN
Oh, yes, yes, indeed. Mr. and Mrs. Standish, you may not believe it, but the average medical doctor is a quack.
KILDARE
You don’t say?
CONLIN
Modern civilization has progressed to inconceivable heights, while medicine has stood still. Why? Because of the legit –the average doctor is blind. He refuses to make use of the greatest scientific discovery of this century.
MADISON
The Pill?
CONLIN
Electronics!
MADISON
Oh! The vibrator.
CONLIN
Mr. Standish, I presume you’ve heard of my Electro Radonic Diagnosti-Scope?
KILDARE
Of course. That’s the part of your ad that attracted us. I don’t know much about electricity, but it sounds fantastic.
CONLIN
I can assure you that some of the miracles of healing that have taken place in this office, had they been performed in a time gone by, well, I’d have been burned at the stake!
MADISON
So if it doesn’t work, we’ve got options?
KILDARE
Well, Dr. Conlin, my wife’s trouble seems to center around her chest–
MADISON
Hey! There is nothing wrong with my chest. I have seven wet T-Shirt titles to prove it.
KILDARE
Uh… with pain sometimes in her left arm.
CONLIN
Oh, no symptoms, please, Mr. Standish! The machine takes care of all that. Pain in left arm– All right! Suppose we step into my electronics laboratory. This way.
MADISON
Seriously, do you want to me to show you my chest? I’ll take my shirt off right now.
KILDARE
No! No, dear, no need for that.
MADISON
Oh, it’s a doctor’s office! I’m not gonna jump up on his desk and twirl tassels at cha. Unless you’re into that.
KILDARE
Dr. Conlin, that’s quite an elaborate gadget.
CONLIN
Gadget? Mr. Standish, you’re standing before one of the most complex mechanisms known to modern man.
MADISON
It looks like the laser from “Goldfinger.”
CONLIN
Mrs. Standish, if you’ll sit here, please.
MADISON
“Do you expect me to talk?”
KILDARE
I expect you to go along with our original plan.
MADISON
The line is, “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.” Classic. Duh. And now that I’m looking down the barrel of this thing, I’m afraid that might actually be the outcome.
KILDARE
It’s perfectly safe. We know it doesn’t work.
MADISON
Maybe that’s how Mrs. Bradley got cancer! You don’t know!
KILDARE
Just sit there and don’t move.
MADISON
Will you still love me if I’m horribly disfigured?
KILDARE
Well… uh…
MADISON
The correct answer is “yes.”
CONLIN
I’m about to start, Mrs. Standish. There’s no danger at all. The inter-nuclear intake flux is completely compensated by the spectrum balance of the– well, I suppose that’s all Greek to you.
KILDARE
Impressive though.
MADISON
Please tell me that thing is only filled with used pinball machine parts.
CONLIN
Now, just let me adjust these high-potential atomic electrodes.
KILDARE
Gee, all those dials, control knobs, and coils. It’s amazing.
CONLIN
Now, just relax, Mrs. Standish.
KILDARE
Good luck, honey.
CONLIN
Are you ready?
MADISON
No… I…
CONLIN
You have a choice. A happy road to joyous health… or…
MADISON
What must I do?
CONLIN
Nothing, really.
MADISON
THERE. ARE. FOUR. LIGHTS!
CONLIN
What is she talking about?
KILDARE
Uh, she missed breakfast.
CONLIN
Ah. Well, that’s it. We’re done.
MADISON
That’s it?
CONLIN
The botanic balance of gamma waves indicates a strong deviation in the vicinity of the heart.
KILDARE
She has heart trouble?
CONLIN
Precisely.
MADISON
My heart? You mean I drank all those kale smoothies for nothing?!
KILDARE
Can’t you — twist those knobs or something and cure her?
CONLIN
Oh, I’m afraid it’s not that simple. The machine is only set right now for a diagnosis. I’ll have to spend several hours computing her health vibration factor. That’s why the treatments are… somewhat expensive.
KILDARE
How expensive, Dr. Conlin?
CONLIN
Fifty dollars a piece.
KILDARE
Oh?
MADISON
Hey, that’s not bad. It’s seventy bucks just for an office visit for my cat.
CONLIN
Well, after all Mr. Standish, your wife’s health is an important thing.
MADISON
Just curious, how much extra is a deworming? I might bring my cat to you.
KILDARE
How many treatments will be necessary, do you think?
CONLIN
That varies on the condition. Come back tomorrow morning at ten o’clock and we’ll start your wife on the treatments that will transform her health.
KILDARE
Thank you so much, doctor.
CONLIN
Not at all, not at all. The greatest pleasure in life comes from helping to alleviate human suffering.
MADISON
I’m gonna guess you never held public office. Or worked in a call center.
KILDARE
Do I pay you now, Dr. Conlin?
CONLIN
No, no, no hurry at all, Mr. Standish. Tomorrow will be fine. Goodbye.
KILDARE
Goodbye, Dr. Conlin, and thank you. Well, Dr. Conlin’s act is probably highly effective with somebody who doesn’t know better.
MADISON
I can’t believe I have heart problems!
KILDARE
You don’t. Remember, three doctors gave you a clean bill of health this morning?
MADISON
Yeah, but heart disease is the leading cause of death in women. I think you need to give me another… full physical.
KILDARE
I… think what Dr. Conlin was picking up on was my mentioning of the pain in your left arm.
MADISON
Ya know, my left arm does feel a little sore.
KILDARE
Try releasing your death grip on my arm and see if that helps.
MADISON
Not gonna happen.
KILDARE
Although, one thing interested me about Dr. Conlin. I couldn’t help but notice a spot on the back of his hand.
MADISON
It’s not as cute as that little dimple you have when you smile.
KILDARE
Uh, yeah… That spot concerns me. I wonder if he’s used that machine on himself.
MADISON
Wait a minute! I thought you said it was perfectly safe!
KILDARE
Well, certainly, any kind of repeated exposure to gamma rays–
MADISON
Those were “gamma rays”?! We really need to start teaching “The Hulk” as a cautionary tale.
SCENE FOUR
CAREW
I can’t believe what I’m hearing! I… I didn’t approve of any of this!
GILLESPIE
That’s because no one asked for your opinion.
KILDARE
You knew we were going to meet with Dr. Conlin.
CAREW
But I didn’t know that Blair Hospital was going to be directly involved!
MADISON
Okay, Dr. Kildare, I’m ready for my physical! Oh! Hello. Perhaps I got naked a bit prematurely.
CAREW
You’re the… uh… the candy striper?
MADISON
More like “candy stripper,” am I right?
GILLESPIE
Perhaps you’d like to cover up, young lady?
KILDARE
Here, Miss Standish, take my lab coat.
MADISON
For doctors, you sure are a bunch of prudes.
CAREW
You were going to give her another physical, Dr. Kildare?
GILLESPIE
That hardly seems necessary, Jimmy.
KILDARE
I… I wasn’t–!
MADISON
We were gonna test my heart rate.
KILDARE
Uh… So, Dr. Carew, about your concerns — I don’t understand what you’re so upset about it.
CAREW
I… believe I’ve lost track, myself.
KILDARE
Our newspaper article.
CAREW
Right, yes. The… uh… very idea of dragging the name of Blair Hospital into a sensational newspaper story — why, it’s unthinkable.
GILLESPIE
Miss Standish, why are you sitting on the exam table?
MADISON
My feet hurt, okay? I wanted to sit down.
GILLESPIE
That leads to my second question — why are you wearing high heeled pumps for your “examination”?
MADISON
You’re a doctor, but you’ve never played doctor?
CAREW
Uh… uh… there must…
KILDARE
Well, Dr. Carew, the newspaper article is the best way I know of putting this Dr. Conlin out of business. Sure, there are legal angles — but there are also loopholes. However, when this story is printed, he can’t dodge the publicity.
CAREW
Publicity? Oh! I shutter to think of it.
MADISON
We used to say “any publicity is good publicity” until click bait articles and hashtags started taking down Hollywood. Now celebrities have to apologize for things before they even say them or they’ll find themselves working for DoorDash.
CAREW
Dr. Kildare! I absolutely forbid you to go on with this scheme!
KILDARE
Dr. Carew, there’s a Mrs. Bradley upstairs in this hospital waiting to undergo surgery next week. It’s very doubtful the operation is going to help her. Four months ago, it would have.
CAREW
I fail to see what Mrs. Bradley has to do with this.
KILDARE
Four months ago Mrs. Bradley was being swindled by Dr. Conlin’s so-called “Diagnosti-Scope.” She only came to us after it was too late. She’s not the only victim, nor is Dr. Conlin the only crook.
CAREW
I understand, Dr. Kildare, but it’s simply not our responsibility!
MADISON
Are you guys gonna be much longer? I’m getting a little frosty in here.
GILLESPIE
Then go in the other room and put your clothes back on!
KILDARE
Yes, Dr. Gillespie! That’s a wonderful idea.
MADISON
Geez, Gillespie! I guess your oath to “do no harm” doesn’t apply to my love life!
CAREW
I believe the subject of this newspaper article is closed.
GILLESPIE
Jimmy and I are goin’ ahead with this whether you like it or not.
CAREW
Oh?
GILLESPIE
But, I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’ll include a paragraph in the article stating that you were opposed to the idea.
CAREW
Oh, good heavens, no! That would ruin me! Fine! Go ahead. Then afterwards you can treat me for my growing stomach ulcer!
KILDARE
There’s another interesting angle in this that we haven’t followed up yet, Dr. Gillespie. Although he doesn’t know it, Conlin has an advanced sarcoma on his hand, and unless he’s treated very soon by a legitimate doctor, he won’t live a year.
GILLESPIE
Poetic justice, if you ask me.
MADISON
Dr. Kildare? I’m having trouble getting out of this lab coat. Could you come in here and– Oh. I heard the door shut. I thought you were alone.
KILDARE
Yes, well, uh… Dr. Carew wants us to go ahead with our article. We should get to work right away, eh, Dr. Gillespie?
GILLESPIE
Oh, yes, Jimmy, the sooner the better.
KILDARE
All right then, we’ll see you later, Miss Standish!
MADISON
But–! Dammit, I really can’t get out of this lab coat. There’s a button caught or something.
ANNOUNCER
We’ll return with “The Story of Dr. Kildare” in just a moment!
PROMO BREAK: BREAKING WALLS PODCAST
SCENE FIVE
ANNOUNCER
Now we continue with “The Story of Dr. Kildare.”
MADISON
There you are.
KILDARE
Good morning, Miss Standish.
MADISON
“Good morning.” That’s all you have to say to me is, “good morning”?!
KILDARE
That’s a… lovely tweed suit? Is it new?
MADISON
No. I had to borrow it from a nurse, who apparently doesn’t use deodorant, because last night after I finally tracked down an orderly to help me out of that lab coat, a little too happy to help, if you know what I mean, someone had taken my clothes from the exam room! So, now I look like Mrs. Cleaver going to a PTA meeting, and smell like she walked through a desert to get there!
KILDARE
Oh… I’m… uh… sorry.
MADISON
I’m not done. Then, I waited three hours in the restaurant, fighting off drunks from the bar and waiters who kept insisting I should give my table to women “who’s dates actually bothered to show up!” And when I wouldn’t move, they demanded I order something. After four appetizers, two house salads and an entree that apparently was “family style,” I didn’t have enough money to pay the bill, so I ended up washing dishes until the sun came up this morning!
KILDARE
Your… date never arrived?
MADISON
You were my date!!!
KILDARE
Oh… uh… I hadn’t thought we’d actually– Dr. Gillespie!
GILLESPIE
Good morning, Jimmy. Good morning, Miss Standish. That a new tweed suit, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Ahhhh!!!!!
GILLESPIE
I thought women liked it when you commented on their wardrobe.
KILDARE
I… um… apparently missed our date last night.
GILLESPIE
Date? You were actually going to go through with that, Jimmy?
KILDARE
Well… I… I, mean…
GILLESPIE
Oh, I’m sorry, Miss Standish. It was all my fault.
MADISON
What was?
GILLESPIE
Jimmy missing his date with you. Why, we were up last night until after midnight working on the newspaper release.
KILDARE
I’m sorry. It completely slipped my mind.
MADISON
Yeah, but–
GILLESPIE
It’s so hard to date a doctor, isn’t it? With all of our eccentricities. That’s why I never married, don’t you know. Never could find a woman, thoughtful and caring enough, to well… put up with me.
MADISON
You got a hellova wingman, Kildare. But I don’t buy it.
GILLESPIE
No snow job, huh?
MADISON
Well, there woulda been if he’d shown up last night.
GILLESPIE
So, eh, Jimmy, you two going back to see Dr. Conlin this morning?
KILDARE
We, um, do have an appointment at ten o’clock.
MADISON
So, I’m supposed to go with you to pretend to be your wife when you couldn’t even — for one night — be my date?
KILDARE
Again, I’m sorry–
GILLESPIE
All right! Enough of this confounded discussion. Miss Standish, you agreed to help take down a quack doctor who is hurting people–
MADISON
But–
GILLESPIE
Let me finish! And who is sure to hurt many more people if he isn’t stopped. Now, are you going to tell me you’re putting your personal feelings before that of the greater good?
MADISON
No.
KILDARE
All right, then, we should–
GILLESPIE
Not so fast, Jimmy. You’ve wronged this young lady who has agreed to help us with our plan, with no thought of her own personal reward–
MADISON
I wouldn’t say “no” thought…
GILLESPIE
–So that you will fulfill your lapsed obligation and take her out on a proper date following the completion of this crusade. Do you understand?
KILDARE
Of course, Dr. Gillespie.
GILLESPIE
Fine! Now, if you both will excuse me, this matter has brought on a migraine. By the great horn spoon! Why must young people always make things so complicated?
KILDARE
I am sorry, Miss Standish. Dr. Gillespie and I truly did become engrossed in our newspaper article last night.
MADISON
It’s okay. It’s better than when my boyfriend showed up four hours late for my brother’s wedding. Not only did I have to keep making up excuses where he was, but then I had to explain when he did show up, why he’d brought his own date to the reception.
KILDARE
Oh, that’s… terrible.
MADISON
Not as terrible as what I did to him. That chicken dance will live in infamy.
SCENE SIX
CONLIN
Now sit back and relax, Mrs. Standish. Let the healing, life-giving alpha protonic miracle rays flow through your anatomic nervous system.
MADISON
At fifty bucks a flow.
CONLIN
Ah, but the reward, Mrs. Standish! Freedom from sickness and an abundance of energy! For one hundred percent joy in living, what do a few pennies matter?
MADISON
That is the exact pitch they used to get me to join a cult.
KILDARE
Oh, you’re absolutely right, Dr. Conlin, money isn’t everything.
MADISON
That is the exact opposite of what my parents said when they had to pay for my extraction from the cult.
KILDARE
Are you entirely certain there’s no danger in this treatment?
CONLIN
There’s not a thing to worry about.
MADISON
Am I gonna get mutant super powers? Maybe the ability to heal like Deadpool? I already have his ability to make off color remarks and Gen X references.
CONLIN
Everything is compensated by setting the computer very carefully. You see, right now the machine is removing the inductive micro power excess from the heart and distributing it between the thyroid and the left kidney.
MADISON
Just… hands off the girlie parts, okay? I like them right where they are.
CONLIN
That’s why it’s so important to make accurate computations.
MADISON
Yeah, just keep checking those computations, dude. What’s the point of getting mutant super powers if my boobs droop? I’d look terrible in the jumpsuit.
CONLIN
Well, the five minutes are up. That’s the first treatment.
MADISON
Fifty bucks for five minutes. You sure you’re not a hooker?
CONLIN
I beg your pardon?
KILDARE
You’ll get used to my wife’s little jokes, Dr. Conlin.
MADISON
I make clowns cry.
KILDARE
By the way, Dr. Conlin, did you make out that diagnostic report I phoned about this morning?
CONLIN
Why, yes, I did. It’s right here on the table. I really don’t see the importance of it, though. It’s the cure that counts.
MADISON
I need proof in writing that I’m sick for work or else I’ll lose my job and, consequently, lose my healthcare and then not be able to get the cure and eventually die. It’s the American healthcare circle of life.
CONLIN
Your wife works? What about that grocery store chain you own, Mr. Standish?
KILDARE
There’s my wife’s sense of humor again. They do say, laughter is the best medicine.
MADISON
Codeine is the best medicine. The main reason I joined that cult.
CONLIN
In any case, here you are.
KILDARE
Well, thanks. “Diagnosis: Cardiomyopathy and coronary artery disease.”
MADISON
O.M.G! That sounds really bad! Is it really bad, Dr. Kildare?
CONLIN
Dr. Kildare?
MADISON
Whoops.
KILDARE
That’s right, I’m Dr. Kildare. I’m on staff with Blair Hospital.
CONLIN
What’s the meaning of this?
KILDARE
As far as you’re concerned, it means you’re through swindling people out of their lives and money with that phony hook up of vacuum tubes and condensers.
MADISON
Looks impressive, though. You might have a career in building sets for sci-fi movies.
CONLIN
You can’t prove anything. You’re bluffing!
KILDARE
Do you think so? Before we came here yesterday, Miss Standish was examined by two other top men and myself and pronounced physically fit. Including her heart.
CONLIN
So what? You doctors make mistakes all the time with your medieval methods of diagnosis!
MADISON
You wanna talk “medieval?” Your machine is analog.
KILDARE
We’re going to let the public decide. Tomorrow morning three of the city’s biggest newspapers will carry a full page feature of the stats of your diagnostic reports, along with our story of the way you operate.
CONLIN
I’ll sue you. I’ll sue you and Blair Hospital for a million dollars!
MADISON
Oh, dude, do not go there. I once sued my history teacher for being boring. His lectures caused me to fall asleep in class, which disrupted my sleep cycle which lead to me being awake at four o’clock in the morning which resulted in my drinking to try to fall back asleep and ended up causing me to fall down a flight of stairs and sprain my wrist. He had to pay for the doctor’s bills and emotional distress. So don’t try me.
CONLIN
There’s no law against a man making an honest living.
KILDARE
Honest living? Swindling people?
MADISON
It’s the American way.
KILDARE
Come on, Miss Standish, I’m getting a little sick myself. See you in jail, Conlin.
CONLIN
Oh, no, you won’t! I’ll beat it. Wait and see!
KILDARE
Oh, by the way, Mr. Conlin, I feel it’s my duty to inform you that you are a very sick man.
CONLIN
What are you talking about?
KILDARE
That spot on your hand. It’s a sarcoma.
CONLIN
What?
KILDARE
You’d better get the best medical attention you can find, and as soon as possible.
CONLIN
You’re lying.
KILDARE
Think what you like, you’ve been told.
MADISON
If anything, you should wear gloves. That thing is pretty nasty. Like men in sandals. Seriously, men’s feet are too ratched to be shown in public.
SCENE SEVEN
CAREW
Gentlemen, I hope you’re exercising due discretion in this matter.
KILDARE
Don’t worry, Dr. Carew, there will be nothing in the story but facts.
GILLESPIE
He won’t get anywhere if he tries to file a libel suit.
CAREW
I shutter to contemplate even the possibility of his filing a suit. Why, the very thought of coming face to face with that… creature!
MADISON
Dude! Dr. Kildare! Dr. Conlin is here to see you. Do you think he’s gonna sue the hospital?
CAREW
Sue?
MADISON
Yeah.
CAREW
Ohhh!!!
GILLESPIE
Well, there goes Carew again. He’s got the constitution of a dormouse in a room full of tomcats.
MADISON
If you two are looking at me to pick him up, the janitor is just gonna have to mop around him.
SCENE EIGHT
CONLIN
Well, gentlemen, now that you’ve made a complete examination, are you still of the same opinion? It’s still the same diagnosis?
MADISON
Yeah. That thing on your hand is still nasty.
CONLIN
I’m a quack, but you have a candy striper participating in diagnoses?
MADISON
I liked you better when you were a Bond villain.
GILLESPIE
To your question, Mr. Conlin, yes, it is a sarcoma.
CONLIN
Well, am I right in assuming it can be cured by an operation?
KILDARE
Yes, it can be removed by surgery, Mr. Conlin. It’s not a simple operation, but done at this time, the prognosis is very favorable.
CONLIN
Dr. Kildare, would you be willing to perform this operation in spite of your personal feelings?
KILDARE
I’m a doctor, and as such I have very clear-cut responsibilities towards my patients. Under the circumstances you mentioned, you’d be a patient. It’s as simple as that. Personal feelings are out of it.
MADISON
Man, that doctor’s oath sure doesn’t leave any wiggle room for revenge. Maybe while he’s under, you can drop your watch in his intestines or something?
GILLESPIE
Miss Standish, how much more of your “volunteering” should we be expected to endure?
MADISON
Until Doctor Dreamy over there finally takes me out on a date.
KILDARE
Yes, well, Mr. Conlin, we can schedule your surgery for tomorrow.
CONLIN
How much would it cost?
KILDARE
I’m on staff here. You’ll have to discuss that with the business office. However, Dr. Gillespie and I have a price of our own that you’ll have to meet.
CONLIN
What do you mean?
KILDARE
I’ll operate, in return for your signing a complete detailed confession of your swindling activities.
MADISON
Ooo! Blackmail! Way better than petty revenge.
CONLIN
You must think I’m crazy! Why, with something like that, they could send me up!
KILDARE
All right, Mr. Conlin. Then I suggest you find another physician. The newspaper article will still be effective, even without your confession.
CONLIN
I’ve already been to two other doctors today. Neither one of them would operate. They both told me to come to you.
MADISON
HA!
GILLESPIE
We can have Miss Standish, here, take your confession — if you’d care to dictate it, Mr. Conlin.
MADISON
Yaaas! I’ve got the perfect TikTok filter for this.
CONLIN
All right! I know when I’m beat. I’ll have it for you later this afternoon.
KILDARE
Then we’ll schedule your surgery. Be here tomorrow at nine o’clock in the morning.
CONLIN
At least I’ll still have my life.
KILDARE
Which is more than Mrs. Bradley will.
MADISON
Oh, burn.
CONLIN
Goodbye, gentlemen.
GILLESPIE
Well, Jimmy, I guess that does it.
KILDARE
Yes, at least that’s about all we can do. From here on, it’s up to the authorities.
GILLESPIE
And the public. They are the real judge and jury.
MADISON
Truth. And you really don’t have to waste your time on facts anymore. Just throw out a couple vague insinuations and social media will take care of the rest.
KILDARE
It’s just too bad we can’t smoke all the Conlins out into the open.
MADISON
It’s not that easy. In my day, anyone can promote unproven, backwards medical treatments and the more actual doctors with facts try to call them out on it, the more “Mrs. Bradleys” will support and spread their misinformation. It’s a whole thing.
KILDARE
Well, you fight it where you find it. That’s the best you can do.
MADISON
That’s so naive of you. But, sure.
GILLESPIE
Life is pretty much a matter of struggling and fighting — and it will be for a long time to come. That smooth, easy road to joyous living is still a figment of a “Electro Radonic” dream.
MADISON
Ah, yes, access to good healthcare. Dream the impossible dream.
SCENE NINE
GILLESPIE
Well, Jimmy, gettin’ married or goin’ to a funeral?
KILDARE
Possibly the latter. I’ve got a date with Miss Standish.
GILLESPIE
Shall I come with you as a chaperone?
KILDARE
I might be better off with a body guard.
MADISON
Good evening, Dr. Gillespie. Jimmy.
GILLESPIE
Nice.
MADISON
That was totally 1950’s sexist, but still classier than anything I ever got at a frat party. So, I’ll allow it.
KILDARE
You look very pretty, Miss Standish.
GILLESPIE
Ah, me. If I was only twenty years younger–
MADISON
You’d still be twenty years too old for me.
GILLESPIE
Yes. Well, good night to the both of you.
KILDARE
You’re leaving so soon, Dr. Gillespie?
GILLESPIE
Oh, suck it up, Jimmy. She’s a good looking girl. How bad could it be?
KILDARE
But–
MADISON
Good night, Dr. Gillespie.
GILLESPIE
Good night!
KILDARE
So, Miss Standish– Madison– Uh… why did you just lock the door?
MADISON
Doctor, I think it’s time someone gave you a physical.
ANNOUNCER
This has been our presentation of “The Story of Doctor Kildare.”
MADISON
Wait, what? You can’t end the episode now!
KILDARE
Sorry, it’s time to go.
ANNOUNCER
Thank you for listening, everyone. Join us again next week.
MADISON
Nooo!! I’m seriously having a talk with our writer.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
The character of “Dr. Jimmy Kildare” first appeared in Cosmopolitan magazine in 1936. Paramount made the first “Dr. Kildare” film,
but it was MGM, with actor Lew Ayres in the title role, who popularized the suave young doctor with audiences. Lew Ayres filmed nine MGM movies, but had to step away from 1942 to 1946 when he was drafted into service during World War II… as a medic. By 1949, MGM had brought the show to radio featuring Ayres in the leading role, with his on-screen partner, Lionel Barrymore, as Dr. Gillespie. Ayres was cast in a 1950’s TV pilot of the series, but refused to continue with the role when the network insisted on using cigarette companies for sponsors. He argued that a medical show, especially one which appealing to children, should not promote smoking. Eventually the series would run as a TV show in the early 1960’s with Richard Chamberlain as the dashing young doctor.