MADISON ON THE AIR: FRONTIER GENTLEMAN – “SHERIFF BELJOY’S PRISONERS”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JUNE 2026

SCENE ONE

KENDALL
The events that took place in Shoshone, Wyoming Territory, are still something of a nightmare to me. There I met a corrupt Sheriff and his family… and a woman named Madison Standish.

ANNOUNCER
Frontier Gentleman.Here with an Englishman’s account of life and death in the West. As a reporter for the London Times, he writes his colorful and unusual stories. But as a man with a gun, he lives and becomes a part of the violent years in the new territories. This is the story of J.B. Kendall… Frontier Gentleman!

KENDALL
The story of my journey to Yellowstone National Park began with the coach of the Yellowstone Stage Line pulling into the town of Shoshone, midway point between Bear Claw and the National Park. Besides myself, the coach carried a Mr. and Mrs. Willis of Baltimore and a young blonde woman in her late twenties whose name was Miss Madison Standish. As the driver pulled up in front of the Shoshone Hotel, a group of men came forward to meet us. One of them wearing the badge of Deputy Sheriff.

CHARLIE
Ho! Whoa, now! Come on, Whoaaa!

C.B.
Howdy, Charlie!

CHARLIE
Hey, there, C.B.!

MRS. WILLIS
Well, this seems to be a nice little town.

MADISON
And you know that’s gotta be a five star hotel with two spittoons out front.

KENDALL
New to the West, Miss Standish?

MADISON
No. I’ve seen my fair share of outhouses.

WILLIS
Well, I agree with you, my dear. I like this town. Let’s get out and stretch our legs.

KENDALL
A splendid idea. Will you join us, Miss Standish?

MADISON
It would be nice to air out the petticoats, if you know what I mean.

KENDALL
Happily, I do not.

WILLIS
According to the schedule, it seems that this is where we’ll have our supper.

MADISON
Great. I think my chances of getting a salad here are as likely as getting a clean fork.

KENDALL
I’ll admit, my palate took some getting used to the…”vittles” of the American West, but I find the food heartily satisfying.

MADISON
I think you’ve been drinking too much of the American West “Whiskey.”

CHARLIE
Hey, C.B. You boys lookin’ for somebody?

C.B.
That’s right, Charlie. You tell your passengers to just take it easy. Have ’em go into the hotel lobby.

CHARLIE
Right. Folks! Mr. Kendall, Mr. Willis, ladies!

KENDALL
Yes, what is it, driver?

CHARLIE
This here’s C.B. Beljoy. He’s Deputy Sheriff. Says for you all to go on into the hotel.

MADISON
What if we don’t want to? I mean, no offense, but it looks like you could get bed bugs from the lobby.

CHARLIE
Well, if you don’t go in, Miss Standish, I reckon you’ll have to take that up with him. That right, C.B.?

C.B.
Lady, you wearin’ a gun?

MADISON
No. It clashed with my bustle.

C.B.
Then if you ain’t armed, and I is armed, you ain’t got no choice, have ya?

KENDALL
Now see here, are you threatening a lady?

C.B.
I’m sayin’ how it is. Now, you all go on in and just wait in the lobby. The sheriff’ll… Oh, no… here he comes right now.

MRS. WILLIS
Oh! Oh, Henry, look at him! He’s… He’s so fa…

WILLIS
Mercy on a poor sinner.

MADISON
Dang. The only time I’ve ever seen anyone that big, they had their own reality show.

BELJOY
You… Clyde Boy… my… son. Ya did… fine. Jus’ fine…

C.B.
Thank you, Pa.

CHARLIE
Howdy, Sheriff.

BELJOY
Charlie… Charlie… Hope we ain’t put you out… too much.

CHARLIE
No, sir. We can lay over here tonight if you say so.

MADISON
If he says so? Since when did this guy become our travel agent?

KENDALL
For the moment, I think we ought to do as he says, unless you do have a gun in that bustle?

MADISON
Yeah. I got a butt-holster.

BELJOY
These… these the pass… en… gers, Cly… C… son-a-mine?

C.B.
That’s right, Pa, thems the passengers off the stage.

BELJOY
A rag tail bunch.

MADISON
I’m sorry, is he insulting our appearance?

BELJOY
Well, let’s get it over with.

C.B.
You folks go in the lobby now. Go on!

BELJOY
Oguhh! Ahhgg. Boy! Ohhh!

CHARLIE
Sheriff Beljoy!

C.B.
Pa! Pa!

MRS. WILLIS
Oh, my!

KENDALL
Goodness.

WILLIS
Would you look at that.

MADISON
Ha!

WILLIS
Great day, he’s busted clear through the boardwalk!

C.B.
Come on, help me get ‘im out!

BELJOY
Clyde! C.B.-a-mine!

C.B.
Pa! Pa!

BELJOY
Stop snivelin’ and help me up… up outta here!

KENDALL
Come along, gentlemen. I believe he could use all of our helping hands.

MADISON
You might need Hands Across America for this one.

BELJOY
Son! Now.. that’s it… gimme your hand.

KENDALL
On three, Gentlemen. One… two… three!

BELJOY
Pull! Pull! Somebody get behind me!

MADISON
Not with the amount of beans you people eat.

BELJOY
Now, you two back there… you ah… push! Shove! Gah!!!! There! Now that… that’s it! Ahhh!! That’s it. There… There…

MADISON
Eh. Whatever reality show he’s on, I do not want to watch.

SCENE TWO

KENDALL
Sheriff Beljoy entered the hotel without further mishap and we were instructed to take seats facing him. After we had complied, the deputy, C.B., told us why we were being held there.

C.B.
Pa got a telegraph message a while ago from the sheriff in Bear Claw. Now, seems like somebody snuck into the Lucky Dollar Saloon Office and walked off with the payroll just about when the stage was due to pull out. The sheriff down there–

BELJOY
Ben. Ben Johnson.

C.B.
Yes, Pa. The sheriff–

BELJOY
Ben Johnson.

C.B.
Yes, Pa, the sheriff, Ben Johnson. He, uh…

BELJOY
Go on, boy! Git it out!

MADISON
I think the deputy’s daddy’s got him by the “Ben Johnson.”

C.B.
He figures the man that did it rode off on the stage!

WILLIS
You mean, you think it’s one of us?

C.B.
Well, that’s what Sheriff Ben Johnson in Bear Claw thinks.

BELJOY
They look guilty. They could be in cahoots, huh, boy?

MADISON
“Cahoots?” I was once, but never in public.

WILLIS
Now, just a minute, Sheriff–

BELJOY
Who’s he?

C.B.
Name’s Willis, Pa. Says it’s his wife travelin’ with him.

BELJOY
Which one’s the wife?

MRS. WILLIS
I am his wife.

BELJOY
Woman what looks like her’s gotta be his wife. Unlike that other one.

MRS. WILLIS
What?!

MADISON
He said you look like a wife and I look like a side piece.

BELJOY
No talkin’ in the court!

MADISON
Court? You mean this hotel is Courtyard by Marriott? Now I know why there were two spittoons.

KENDALL
I believe the sheriff is saying this is a court of law.

BELJOY
That’s right.

MADISON
Uh… no, it’s not.

C.B.
Yes, it is.

MADISON
No, it’s not.

C.B.
Yes, it is!

MADISON
Then where’s the judge? The jury? Mariska Hargitay ready to give her righteous and heartfelt testimony?

C.B.
Miss Standish, this here’s Pa’s court.

WILLIS
You mean it’s a kangaroo court.

BELJOY
Why… you… you call me a kanga… kanga… kangaroo?

MADISON
That is not the animal I would’ve gone with.

BELJOY
You dirty… Fifty dollars!

WILLIS
Fifty dollars? For what?

MADISON
A weight-watcher’s membership?

BELJOY
Contempt. Or fifty days. Which, you decide.

WILLIS
But, I… you can’t…

KENDALL
Excuse me, Sheriff, but according to the law, a sheriff does not have the authority to exercise a fine from anyone in court. Only the judge can do that.

C.B.
A judge just did it.

KENDALL
You mean he’s the sheriff and the judge?

C.B.
And the jury. And the mayor. And the town council.

MADISON
Well, there’s enough of him to go around.

BELJOY
Executioner! Boy, you forgot executioner!

C.B.
That, too. Executioner.

MADISON
No one’s gonna accuse you of outsourcing.

BELJOY
All right. Now, we understand. Let’s get on with it. Bring ’em to attention, son.

C.B.
Yessir! This court’s hereby in session. Judge Granger Beljoy presidin’.

BELJOY
First case, people against Thief of the Lucky Dollar in Bear Claw. Now, which one of ’em you reckon did it, son? Him?

MRS. WILLIS
What?!

WILLIS
Sheriff… I…

BELJOY
Reckon not. She wouldn’t let him loose long enough to rob a saloon.

MADISON
Yeah. He’s definitely guilty of being pussy whipped.

MRS. WILLIS
Pardon me?!

MADISON
I’m congratulating you. Good job.

BELJOY
Must be you, mister.

C.B.
No, Pa, that’s the English fella.

BELJOY
Ugh. Foreigner. No guts. Wouldn’t do it if he was starvin’. Lily-livered starvin’!

MADISON
It’s good to see American red necks’ hatred of foreigners stretches back into the 1800s.

C.B.
Well, that leaves her, Pa.

MADISON
Me?

BELJOY
(demanding)
Yeah. How you plead?

MADISON
I plead the third!

BELJOY
The third?

KENDALL
Uh… Miss Standish, the third amendment prevents the government from forcing citizens to house soldiers in their private homes during peacetime.

MADISON
And… I stand by that.

C.B.
She sayin’ she innocent, Pa?

BELJOY
Yeah, but, boy, she look guilty as sin. Come on now, might’s well confess.

MADISON
To what?!

MRS. WILLIS
For one, eating the apple pie I baked for our trip right out of my picnic basket.

WILLIS
Along with drinking my bottle of Maryland Rye Whiskey.

KENDALL
She helped herself to all of my smoked jerky.

MADISON
Those charges are not related to what is being brought before the court. I demand they be stricken from the record!

KENDALL
It does rather show past precedence.

MADISON
What’re you? The lawyer for the prosecution?

BELJOY
I ain’t strikin’ nothin’. I say you’re guh… guil… guilty.

CHARLIE
Sheriff… Judge Beljoy, your honor… Sheriff…

BELJOY
Well, what is it, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Judge, sir, Sam over to the telegraph office tol’ me to give you this. It just come in.

BELJOY
Let’s see.

BELJOY
Ugh… from the Sheriff of Bear Claw…

C.B.
Ben Johnson!

BELJOY
Hush yourself, C.B., I’m readin’!

MADISON
Am I the only one surprised he can read?

BELJOY
“Two known individuals robbed saloon. Man and woman working together…”

MADISON
It’s the Willis’!

WILLIS
What?!

MRS. WILLIS
How dare you!

MADISON
She’s gotta be an outlaw. I’ve tasted her apple pie. She clearly can’t bake.

MRS. WILLIS
Of all the nerve!

BELJOY
C.B.! Shut ’em up!

C.B.
You hear’d the Judge! Shut up!

BELJOY
This here telegram go on to say the man be tall–

WILLIS
That let’s me out!

BELJOY
–And the woman be blonde.

MRS. WILLIS
Well, that certainly isn’t me!

MADISON
Don’t go braggin’ on your dull brown hair.

C.B.
So, must be her and the Englishman then, Pa.

KENDALL
Now, just a minute!

C.B.
Kendall, don’t you try nothin’! Or I’ll ventilate ya with this here shootin’ iron!

MADISON
You want to join me in pleading the third?

KENDALL
I am not affiliated with this woman!

MADISON
How can you say that after all of the years we’ve been together!

KENDALL
What are you trying to do?

MADISON
Showing past precedence.

BELJOY
Kendall, Miss Standish, I hereby sentence you both to… a term… two years… my jail.

MADISON
Great. We’ve been sentenced to jail by Boss Hogg.

SCENE THREE

KENDALL
Being incarcerated in the Shoshone jail wasn’t the most pleasant experience, especially sharing the town’s singular cell with Miss Standish. I have bunked shoulder to shoulder with the drunken mates aboard the West’s riverboats, but never in my days have I heard snoring like hers.But I did manage to get some sleep. And while I was oblivious to the cares of the outside world, I learned later that Sheriff Beljoy received another telegraph message from the Sheriff of Bear Claw. Ben Johnson, that is.

C.B.
Read it, Pa.

BELJOY
I am readin’ it!

C.B.
Read it out loud so’s I can hear.

BELJOY
It says, “Thieves captured here. The Benton Brothers. Leroy Benton known to dress like lady in blonde wig and bustle.”

C.B.
That a fact?

BELJOY
“Both confessed robbing Lucky Dollar Saloon. Release your prisoners. Signed… B. Johnson.”

C.B.
Wonder how I’d look with a bustle.

MERCYDAY
Pa, that mean I ain’t gonna have nobody to learn me manners and the like?

LURLEEN
Yes, you are, child. Your Pa promised you. And there ain’t nobody makes as good a teacher of manners and such as a foreigner.

MERCYDAY
Or a city lady like Miss Standish what goes dinin’ and dancin’ all painted up and the like.

BELJOY
Now, I don’t rightly know if I want my flesh and blood all painted up like that Miss Standish.

LURLEEN
That be Miss Lady Standish. When I seen her frock, I ask her if’n she be a lady. She say she a “Lady of the Evenin’.” Granger, you tellin’ me you don’t want your daughter to be a lady?

BELJOY
Well, a’course I do. But I cain’t help it. By legal deh-cree, I’m gonna have to let ’em go.

LURLEEN
Why? Why can’t you just pretend you didn’t get no message?

BELJOY
You know why, woman.

MERCYDAY
You let ’em go, what’s gonna become of me, Pa?

LURLEEN
That’s right. Look at her. Poor thang. You think anybody’s gonna pay her any mind when she don’t even have good mannered learnin’?

BELJOY
Now, Lureen, sweet potato-mine, it ain’t my fault.

MERCYDAY
You don’t want me to be no “Lady of the Evenin’!!”

BELJOY
Honey… Honey pot, I do… but…

LURLEEN
You want your daughter to have the best, you’ll tear up that message. You’ll make believe you never got it!

MERCYDAY
And the Englishman and Miss Lady Standish be made trusties like you promised and they’ll learn me all they knows whether they likes it or not!

LURLEEN
Granger Beljoy, tear it up!

BELJOY
Woman, you… you females…

MERCYDAY
Ma! He’s doin’ it! Oh, Pa!

LURLEEN
Don’t over excite yourself, honey pot. Best you be getting’ along to bed now.

MERCYDAY
Yes, Ma. ‘Night, Pa.

BELJOY
‘Night.

LURLEEN
You done right by her, and after a year or so, the Englishman might get used to her. Might even decide to stay here permanent.

C.B.
What about Miss Lady Standish? You think she might get used to me and wanna stay here permanent?

LURLEEN
Well, C.B., I suppose anythin’s possible.

C.B.
Woo-hoo! She gonna love me!

BELJOY
What you put such thoughts in that fool boy’s head fer?

LURLEEN
Even a stupid cat gotta catch a mouse some time.

SCENE FOUR

KENDALL
The morning following Miss Standish and my arrest, we were served an unusually tasty breakfast by an unusually beefy young woman named Mercyday Beljoy. Between giggles she managed to indicate that she admired foreigners. And she attempted several of what I could only assume were “curtsies” to Miss Standish, oh, pardon me, Miss Lady Standish, as she had somehow come to be known, as if she were royalty. The irony of Miss Lady Standish eating the meal with her fingers was not lost on me. About an hour later we were taken, under guard, into Sheriff Beljoy’s office.

C.B.
Here they is, Pa.

BELJOY
Kendall, Miss Lady Standish, I’m gonna come to the point. Daughter-mine, Mercyday, ‘n her mother, want you both should learn her proper.

MADISON
O.M.G.! You want us to “My Fair Lady” your daughter?

BELJOY
“O.M.G.”? Perhaps we best leave the word learnin’ to Kendall.

KENDALL
Now just one moment–

BELJOY
Boy! Boy… you tells ’em.

C.B.
What Pa means is that he’s offering you two a chance to be a trusty. Come and go as you like, long as we have your word you won’t run off.

MADISON
You need a lozenge? Cough drop?

BELJOY
That’s right. Now how about it? You got somethin’ to say, ain’t cha, Kendall?

KENDALL
I have more than something to say. Sheriff. Has it ever occurred to you that I might have friends, business associates and the like, who will note my disappearance and start asking questions?

MADISON
Yeah! Me, too!

BELJOY
Like who?

KENDALL
For your information, I happen to be a duly accredited correspondent of the London Times.

C.B.
Now, what’s that mean, Pa? Duly accre…accred…?

BELJOY
Mean’s his credit’s good.

C.B.
Oh, that so?

KENDALL
That is not so. What it means is that the newspaper I work for expects to receive a journalistic report from me within the next fortnight. When they don’t receive it, somebody’s going to start asking questions, and when that happens they’ll start looking for me.

C.B.
What about you, Miss Lady Standish? You duly accredi-dated, too?

MADISON
No. And I’ve been gone so long, I figure everyone’s stopped looking for me. My mom’s not really the “put posters up and go on 20/20 to find her lost daughter” type. She’s probably just hoping she’ll run into me at Bloomies.

C.B.
I’d come lookin’ fer ya. No matter where you mighta went. I’d find ya.

MADISON
Wow, that’s not at all stalker-y.

C.B.
So, what should we do, Pa? Keep her and let him go?

MADISON
I have to stay a prisoner just because no one’s looking for me?! Huh. This is my sixth year. By next season, they can legally declare me dead.

BELJOY
No, C.B., we keep ’em both. She might be a lady, but she ain’t as classy talkin’ as him.

MADISON
The hell I’m not!

C.B.
But, Pa, they ain’t gonna have much trouble findin’ Kendall. Why, those folks on the stage–

BELJOY
They’re long gone.

C.B.
But what about his writin’s?

BELJOY
They’re gonna receive it same as usual. Only, Kendall, you write one word ’bout bein’ in this predict… predict… mess… You won’t get outta that cell. And that cell can get mighty small after bein’ in it twenty four hours steady.

KENDALL
I’ve stayed in worse.

BELJOY
Even if you’re sharin’ that cell with Miss Standish sawin’ wood all night long?

MADISON
Was I doing carpentry in my sleep?

C.B.
‘Course, Miss Lady Standish can stay in my room, cain’t she, Pa?

MADISON
Why, are you goin’ outta town?

C.B.
Naw. I’d be there, too.

BELJOY
That ain’t appropriate, boy, sharin’ a room with a lady.

C.B.
Kendall gets to share a cell with ‘er!

KENDALL
I’d happily give up my jail accommodations for a room in the hotel.

BELJOY
You gonna learn daughter-mine some books ‘n’ manners ‘n’ such?

KENDALL
I believe I will politely decline.

BELJOY
All right, then. But I suppose you’ll be wantin’ to eat, ain’t ya? You won’t get no food at no time.

MADISON
Wait a minute. You’ve got to feed your prisoners. That’s some sort Geneva Convention violation right there.

KENDALL
Unless you work for the Red Cross, Miss Standish, or we are wounded soldiers receiving medical treatment, the Geneva Convention of 1864 does not pertain to us.

MADISON
Then maybe one of the Amendments covers it?

KENDALL
You might as well let Miss Standish go. Or I may be forced to teach both girls “proper learnin’.”

MADISON
Many teachers have tried, many teachers have failed.

C.B.
I’m a might confused, Pa. Is they gonna teach Mercyday manners and books or what?

KENDALL
Doesn’t appear we have much of a choice, do we?

BELJOY
Nope.

MADISON
I’ll do it because it’s my duty. I swore an oath to serve and protect the world of beauty, vanquishing all ugly people whenever and wherever I may find them.

KENDALL
How noble.

MADISON
We can start by talking about your mustache.

SCENE FIVE

KENDALL
The first lesson was arranged in the Beljoy backyard. Miss Standish and I were escorted through the house, then turned loose in Mercyday’s lair. She was eager… one can say that for her, and she tried hard. Although, with Miss Standish’s itinerary, there was little hope for our student.

MADISON
N-n-no. Listen again. “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.”

KENDALL
Miss Standish–

MADISON
Shh-shh-shh! Let her try it!

MERCYDAY
“The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.”

MADISON
Well, if “My Fair Lady” ever comes to the Ozarks, you’re a shoo-in.

MERCYDAY
Thank, ye! What’d you think, Mr. Kendall?

KENDALL
I think I’d prefer to starve in the jail cell.

MERCYDAY
Oh, Ma! Ma! They been learnin’ me so good!

LURLEEN
Fine, honey pot!

MERCYDAY
“The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.”

LURLEEN
Oh! You been learnin’ that there Geo-graphy!

MERCYDAY
Miss Lady Standish taught me that.

LURLEEN
Now, I thought that book learnin’ was gonna be Mr. Kendall’s job. Ain’t you pullin’ yer weight ’round here, Kendall?

KENDALL
I assure you, madam, I am trying, but–

LURLEEN
Miss Lady Standish supposed to be teachin’ Mercyday her manners. Ya ain’t forgittin’ her manners, are ya?

MERCYDAY
Well, Mr. Kendall tol’ me a lady don’ spit in front of a man. No matter how much she wants to.

LURLEEN
Well, I declare.

MERCYDAY
Miss Lady Standish say it be okay to spit at a man if he be… “man-splainin'” ta me.

LURLEEN
“Man-splainin’?” What’s that?

MERCYDAY
I ain’t quite sure. But apparently Mr. Kendall do it a lot ‘cuz Miss Lady Standish been spittin’ on him left ‘n’ right.

KENDALL
It truly has been a marvelous afternoon.

MERCYDAY
‘Sides, Ma, Miss Lady Standish be a Lady in the evenin’, ‘member?

LURLEEN
Like at social events and such?

MADISON
Oh, yeah. I’m gonna show Mercyday how to go clubbing.

LURLEEN
“Clubbin’?” Ya mean like, hittin’ fellers?

MADISON
Eh… hitting “on” fellers.

MERCYDAY
And gittin’ ’em to buy me drinks!

LURLEEN
Drinkin’? How’s that bein’ a lady?

MADISON
It’s contingent on what you drink.

MERCYDAY
Yeah, Ma! No more beer. Strictly– “Cos-moe-pol-it-tans!”

MADISON
She’s a fast learner. I can’t wait to take her saloon hopping.

KENDALL
But of course! It is the precise activity of leisure all ladies of wealth and station embark upon back in England. Why, I believe the Queen, herself, does often frequent saloons.

MERCYDAY
Ya hear that, Ma? The Queen!

MADISON
That’s what queens do where I come from.

SCENE SIX

KENDALL
The lessons continued. In order to “earn my keep,” as Mercyday’s mother insisted, I managed to wedge in a few lessons on music and poetry, but any of my attempts to broach the subject of etiquette were quickly diverted to Miss Standish’s “expertise.” The Beljoy women took to her brash rules of being a “lady” and I simply couldn’t compete. As the days passed, my hope for a rescue waned. And as for my reports to the Times, well, Mercyday was a good cook and I dislike going hungry, so the reports were sent off per contract. I felt that sooner or later someone would arrive to inquire about me. But when help did come, it was from an unexpected quarter.

C.B.
Kendall, my pa wants a talk with ya! Oh, er, howdy, Miss Lady Standish. You look mighty purdy today. Is that a new frock?

MADISON
I’ve been wearing this same dress since you arrested me.

C.B.
Oh.

MADISON
But I did just rinse out my undergarments, ya know, so.

KENDALL
Were you looking for me, C.B.?

C.B.
I ain’t. But my pa is. An’ I sure pity you. Why, he’s sittin’ in the office with a bottle of whiskey in front of him. His face so red it looks like it’s gonna explode.

KENDALL
Sounds to me like a myocardial infarction.

MADISON
Are we surprised? I haven’t seen the man eat a vegetable since we got here.

BELJOY
Ornery! Consarned! Fool maker!

MADISON
I think he’s talking about you.

KENDALL
I’ve been called worse. Although usually I have gun on me.

BELJOY
Woman Stealer!!

MERCYDAY
No, Pa! He ain’t none of them thangs!

BELJOY
He ain’t?! We’ll see! There you are, Kendall. Git over here!

MERCYDAY
Why, Mr Kendall, how charmin’ to see you.

MADISON
Great job! Now, what’s next?

MERCYDAY
Uh… yous come here off-ten?

KENDALL
Only when summoned.

BELJOY
All right, Kendall, you miserable, female stealin’, connivin’, schemin’–

MERCYDAY
Pa! He ain’t– He isn’t none of that. He loves me.

MADISON
Aw, Kendall. I knew behind that look of disgust was the budding feelings of love.

KENDALL
Sheriff, I have no intentions, honorable or otherwise, toward your daughter.

MADISON
Tease.

MERCYDAY
Pa, you scared him! He can’t say it to you like he did to me!

KENDALL
I did?

MADISON
Don’t you gaslight her. Fess up, Kendall.

KENDALL
I said… what to you, Mercyday?

MERCYDAY
“How do I love thee. Let me count the ways.”

KENDALL
But that’s… that’s poetry.

MERCYDAY
Shore is. Purdiest thang I ever hear’d.

BELJOY
Wait a minute! You really did say such words to my little girl, Kendall?

KENDALL
I was just reciting it.

MADISON
Reciting poetry is the OG mix tape. You were using someone else’s words to express your true feelings. And since there’s no Taylor Swift yet, you had to make due with a second rate poet.

KENDALL
No! You don’t understand. The poem was just part of–

MERCYDAY
Part of courtin’ me, huh, honey pot? Pa, why don’t you pronounce us man and wife right now?

MADISON
Oh, yes! This is perfect! I’ll be the Maid-of-Honor!

C.B.
You cain’t be no Maid-of-Honor.

MADISON
What? Why not?

KENDALL
Perhaps because “maid” indicates some level of piety and innocence?

MADISON
Suck it.

KENDALL
And grace.

C.B.
You cain’t be no bridesmaid ‘cuz yer gonna be my bride!

KENDALL
Ha!

MADISON
Hang on there, Cletus–

C.B.
“C.B.” But you can call me Clyde.

BELJOY
A double wedding?

MADISON
I object!

MERCYDAY
So do I! Why C.B. gotta git married on the same day I git married? It ain’t fair! Tell ‘im he cain’t git married!

C.B.
But I love Miss Lady Standish!

MERCYDAY
And I love Mr. Kendall!

MADISON
What’re we gonna do, Kendall?! If I was gonna marry a backwoods hillbilly, I don’t want a Jethro, I want a Duke boy!

SCENE SEVEN

KENDALL
Unable to resolve his offspring’s protests, Sheriff Beljoy sent Miss Standish and myself back to the jail to await the final verdict. Although, Beljoy had ordered all the lessons stopped and our privileges as trusties were rescinded. I was contemplating my dark future, as Miss Standish serenaded me with her snoring, when I heard it. A scraping sound just outside my cell.

CHARLIE
Kendall! Kendall, come over to the window!

KENDALL
Who is it?

CHARLIE
Me! Charlie, the stagecoach driver!

KENDALL
I thought you and everybody else had forgotten about us.

CHARLIE
Us?

KENDALL
Myself and Miss Standish.

CHARLIE
That her rattlin’ the rafters?

KENDALL
Well, I don’t believe the train comes through Shoshone.

CHARLIE
I am sorry ’bout takin’ so long. I couldn’t do nothin’ long as I was sittin’ a top the stage. Had to wait for my day off, which is now.

KENDALL
Marvelous. Charlie, take a message to–

CHARLIE
No, no. Don’t fool with messages. I aim to get you outta there.

KENDALL
If you do, I’ll be in your debt for–

CHARLIE
Hush all that jabber! Ain’t time for it. Look, the stage leaves for Bear Claw in half an hour. And you’re gonna be on it.

KENDALL
How?

CHARLIE
With this. You know how to use one of these don’t cha?

MADISON
Huh? Wha? Is that a gun?!

KENDALL
Quiet!

MADISON
Jail break! Yaaassss! It’s about time. Good guys in Westerns always break out of the hoosegow.

CHARLIE
Sheriff’s gone to dinner. Won’t be back for a spell. Only C.B.’s here.

MADISON
You’re the stagecoach driver!

KENDALL
Miss Standish! This won’t be much of a jail break if you alert the town to our intentions.

CHARLIE
Just don’t shoot nobody you don’t have to.

MADISON
Do you have my bags? What I wouldn’t give for a change of underwear.

CHARLIE
No, I’m sorry, I… well… I tend to not notice too close any ladies on the coach.

MADISON
Ohhh… So, you’re…

CHARLIE
In love with Mercyday! Yes, I am!

MADISON
Really? Mercyday? You sure your not…?

CHARLIE
And Mr. Kendall, you’re ruinin’ her! Teachin’ her good manners and such. She thinks she’s getting’ too good fer me!

KENDALL
Oh. Oh, I see.

CHARLIE
You keep on and she won’t marry me ever!

MADISON
Don’t worry. I made sure to keep her expectations low. I can work miracles, but it’s hard to come back from behind, ya know what I mean?

CHARLIE
Kendall, just remember, be out front in half an hour. The stage’ll stop. You just gotta wave. I won’t be drivin’, but it’s all set so you can get aboard.

MADISON
And me, too?

CHARLIE
Well… the driver’s only expectin’ one…

MADISON
Kendall!!

KENDALL
Er… Charlie? Eh… as much as I don’t relish continuing my confinement in small spaces with Miss Standish, she has been contributing to Mercyday’s… urm… lessons. It’s probably best she come along with me on the stage.

CHARLIE
Well, I’m sure it’ll be all right. Just tell the driver I said so.

KENDALL
Thank you, Charlie. Come along, thank the nice man who’s gone out of his way for us, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Mercyday’s the one who should be thanking him. How am I still single and she’s got a marriage proposal?

KENDALL
C.B. made you a very generous offer.

MADISON
I won’t marry outside of my species.

CHARLIE
Good luck, Kendall!

KENDALL
C.B.! C.B. could you come in here? Maybe he’s gone off to dinner.

MADISON
O.M.G. You go around with that accent and make everybody think you’re so smart. Please, step aside.

KENDALL
By all means.

MADISON
C.B.!!!

C.B.
Yes, Miss Lady Standish?

MADISON
C.B…. May I call you “C”?

C.B.
Sure!

MADISON
C… put your hands up.

C.B.
O-kay. Now what?

MADISON
Unless you wanna get shot, open the cell door.

C.B.
Shot? What’re you talkin’ ’bout?

MADISON
By Kendall with his– Oh, for god’s sake. Kendall!

KENDALL
I thought you were going to handle this yourself.

MADISON
Fine, gimme the gun.

KENDALL
That’s all right, I’ve got it from here. C.B., do be kind enough to open the cell door for us, hmm?

C.B.
Aww… you escapin’ from jail, Miss Lady Standish? Just like the last two.

KENDALL
The last two?

MADISON
Maybe Stockholm Syndrome isn’t the best way to win a wife? Although Belle was willing to marry a beast, so, it might work.

KENDALL
Come along, Miss Standish. We have a stagecoach to catch. Oh, if you wouldn’t mind stepping into the cell, C.B., we’d like to avoid any run-ins with your father.

C.B.
I’ll never forgit you, Miss Lady Standish!

KENDALL
Unfortunately, I believe I will be similarly afflicted.

MADISON
I am unforgettable. Byeeee!

SCENE EIGHT

KENDALL
A few minutes later, the stage pulled up and Miss Standish and I stepped aboard. We parted ways in Yellow Stone. Which really was for the best. It’s exhausting to be in the presence of a real “Lady.” It wasn’t until sometime after I returned to Bear Claw that I was told what had happened when Sheriff Beljoy learned of our escape. He was sitting on his back porch with Charlie, the stagecoach driver.

BELJOY
Fell for it, huh? Really thought they was escapin’. Oh… oh, you Charlie… remember now. The women folk gotta think they really escaped.

CHARLIE
Yes, sir. Don’t worry, I’ll remember.

BELJOY
Sticky females. Bad enough havin’ ’em practice manners… talkin’ English… wearin’ face paint! And if you think I’d let that giggle-patch daughter-mine marry up with somethin’ like him… a pussyfootin’ foreigner? Say, Charlie-boy… how’d you like to be my son-in-law?

CHARLIE
Why… Sheriff… Judge… Mayor…

BELJOY
Executioner.

CHARLIE
Executioner. I’d like it jes’ fine.

BELJOY
Good. Good. Shame ’bout, C.B., though. Lost another one. Not that I wanted no “Lady of the Evenin'” in the family, mind you. But she shore could spit. And I like that in a woman.

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“Frontier Gentleman” ran on CBS from February to November of 1958. Listenership for radio was falling off due to the prevalence of television by the late 1950s, but CBS saw success with their adult western, “Gunsmoke,” which ran concurrently on both radio and TV. So the network commissioned longtime creator, Antony Ellis, to deliver another gritty western for CBS. Born in England, Ellis imagined the history of the American West through the eyes of an Englishman. And while the series starred the well established John Dehner in the leading role, television was too much competition, and the show was cancelled after only one season. But “Frontier Gentleman” remains one of the great contributions to “adult” westerns of the era, giving a realistic and human portrayal of the history of the American territories during the expansion West.