MADISON ON THE AIR: THE GREAT GILDERSLEEVE “ARRESTED AS A CAR THIEF”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: FEBRUARY 2026

DON’T READ IT FIRST! WAIT TILL YOU HEAR US PERFORM IT!

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
“Madison on the Air” presents: “The Great Gildersleeve!” And now let’s visit our friend, the Great Gildersleeve, who has, as you know, a nephew named Leroy, who has, as you probably don’t know, four rabbits. Right now they’re preparing to go to Fairview where Leroy is to represent his school at the Junior Rabbit Breeders Show.

LEROY
Only that I can’t.

GILDERSLEEVE
Can’t? What do you mean, Leroy? Why can’t you go?

LEROY
I’m at my pal, Piggy’s place, and Doc Pettibone says Piggy’s got the mumps!

GILDERSLEEVE
What? Oh, my, the mumps, eh? Well, then, Leroy, you must come home at once!

LEROY
I can’t, Uncle Mort! On account of Piggy exposed himself to me!

GILDERSLEEVE
What’s that you say?

LEROY
Doc said I can’t come home or I’ll expose myself to you!

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh! Doctor Pettibone thinks you’re contagious!

LEROY
Yeah, that’s it. So I can’t go to the Junior Rabbit Breeders Show!

GILDERSLEEVE
But, Leroy, I bought the train tickets and wrote Cousin Flora we were coming!

LEROY
It’s all worked out, Unc! I called Marjorie up at her Red Cross Training school. She’s sending over a friend of hers from the munitions factory to go in my place.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, now, Leroy! You can’t expect me to travel all the way to Fairview with a complete stranger!

LEROY
Aw, gee, Unc, please? My rabbits represent the whole school! What’ll the fellas say if we’re not represented?

GILDERSLEEVE
I’m sorry, Leroy, I just don’t see how– Uh, one moment, Leroy, someone’s at the door. Coming! Coming!

MADISON
‘Sup. I’m supposed to go with you to Fairview?

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh… my dear, you’re… you’re dressed like a…

MADISON
Playboy Bunny. Aren’t we going to the bunny show?

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh… one moment. Leroy! There’s a… provocatively dressed young lady here!

LEROY
Yeah, that’s Madison. She’s goin’ to the Junior Rabbit Breeders Show in my place.

GILDERSLEEVE
You are a bright boy, Leroy.

LEROY
Another thing, Unc–

GILDERSLEEVE
Bye now, have fun with the mumps! Oh, my dear, do come in off the front porch. What will the neighbors think seeing you dressed like… uh…

MADISON
I was a little surprised when Marjorie called me. Like, I didn’t think Playboy came out till the ’50s. I couldn’t find the proper Playboy Bunny costume, so I just threw together this swimsuit with rabbit ears.

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh… what’s that on your… uh…

MADISON
Tail? It’s a ball of white yarn. But I think they gave me wool because I’ve been scratching my ass for most of the ride over here.

GILDERSLEEVE
Do you, uh… intend to wear this the whole trip? I mean… where will you keep your train ticket?

MADISON
Didn’t you book us a private compartment?

GILDERSLEEVE
No, my dear, Fairview isn’t that far by train, so I–

MADISON
Cheaped out.

GILDERSLEEVE
I like to think of it as being “economical.”

MADISON
I don’t believe in sacrificing comfort for savings. But I will sacrifice comfort for style. Which brings me to these heels. Did women in the 40s just, like, not walk anywhere?

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, my! I haven’t seen a spiked heel like that since the last time I went golfing.

MADISON
You think Marjorie would mind me borrowing a pair of her shoes? I’d like to feel my toes again.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, certainly, go right ahead! Her room is upstairs, first door on the left.

MADISON
Okay, I’ll be right back.

GILDERSLEEVE
By the holes those heels are driving into my hardwood floors, the army could use her to dig trenches. All right, then. Do I have everything for the trip? Let’s see. I mailed the letter to Cousin Flora telling her we’re coming, I’ve got the train tickets to Fairview, the tickets for the Rabbit Show… Oh! We should bring something to eat. The last time I got a cup of coffee on the train, it cost so much you’d think they brewed it in Columbia. Birdie! Oh, Birdie! Birdie?

MADISON
You calling me?

GILDERSLEEVE
No, I’m calling for our maid, Birdie! Oh, Bir–Now, I plumb forgot. Since we all were going to be away this weekend, Birdie went to visit her sister. I wonder if Madison could whip us up a couple of sandwiches for the trip? Oh, my goodness! What are you wearing now?!

MADISON
That swimsuit was givin’ me a major wedgie, so I grabbed one of Marjorie’s dresses.

GILDERSLEEVE
Perhaps you looked in the wrong drawer, my dear. Because that’s one of Majorie’s slips!

MADISON
All her other dresses were so milquetoast. Are you the one who makes her dress like a forty year-old librarian?

GILDERSLEEVE
If a librarian dressed like you, the only thing that would get checked out is her.

MADISON
Thank you!

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, anyway, it looks like we’re ready to go. I’ll get the luggage and Leroy’s rabbits, and you can make us up some sandwiches for the trip. The kitchen is right through there. Uh, the kitchen? Right through there.

MADISON
I don’t cook.

GILDERSLEEVE
Sandwiches aren’t really cooking. More like… assembling.

MADISON
The last thing I assembled was an Ikea dresser, which turned into four drawers piled on top of each other on the floor. It was so hard to get to my underwear, I just stopped wearing it altogether.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh! Well… I suppose we could just buy some food on the train.

MADISON
O.M.G.! Yes! This is the era of dining cars with linen tablecloths, real dishes and cutlery! No bags of potato chips, no cans of soda, no sporks.
GILDERSLEEVE
Well, I’m glad you’re looking forward to the trip. We’ll just walk on over to Peavy’s drugstore and pick up a taxi.

MADISON
I’m sorry. Did you say, “walk?”

GILDERSLEEVE
Or I can phone for a taxi to come to the house.

MADISON
Better idea. I’ll go take the suitcases outside.

GILDERSLEEVE
Train food. Taxis. And a girl who makes pinup models look overdressed. What have you gotten me into, Leroy…

MADISON
Hey, uh, Uncle Mort?

GILDERSLEEVE
I am most certainly not your “uncle.”

MADISON
Well, what do I call you, then?

GILDERSLEEVE
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve.

MADISON
Uncle Mort, I found this letter on your suitcase. Did you need to mail it?

GILDERSLEEVE
Letter, what letter? That’s the train tickets.

MADISON
Okay, I admit, I don’t know how paper tickets work. My generation just scans our tickets on our phones. Which is way more convenient, saves trees, and is a ton of fun to watch old people try to figure out. There’s nothing like watching an old married couple argue “You gotta press that button!” “I did press it! Are we connected to the inter-webs?”

GILDERSLEEVE
Let me see that. Great Caesar’s ghost!

MADISON
Problem?

GILDERSLEEVE
This is my letter to Cousin Flora! I must’ve sent her the railroad tickets. Oh, now she’ll think I want her and that loud husband of hers to come here.

MADISON
Does this mean we’re not going?

GILDERSLEEVE
Now, wait a minute. Don’t rattle me. No time to get reservations, the next train won’t get us there in time. Oh, what a thick head I turned out to be.

MADISON
Don’t you have a car?

GILDERSLEEVE
“Don’t you have a car.” Well, of course I have a car! What kind of country bumpkin do you take me for?

MADISON
She waited patiently for him to realize.

GILDERSLEEVE
Car! Yes! We can drive there! Oh, I’m so glad I thought of it. We can put the rabbits in the rear compartment, load up on gasoline, and beat the train to Fairview. Come along, Madison!

MADISON
Already feeling like the twenty bucks Marjorie offered me to do this favor is not gonna cut it.

SCENE TWO

GILDERSLEEVE
How far is it to the next town, Madison?

MADISON
Wish I could tell ya. But seeing as how even Sputnik won’t be launched for another fifteen years, my GPS doesn’t work.

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, I hope the road gets better from here on. So far it’s been terrible. It’s had more hairpins than a dime store.

MADISON
O.M.G. I was this many years old when I learned “hairpin” turns were named because of women’s hairpins. Not ever having used them — thank you hairspray — it wouldn’t’ve occurred to me. Okay, I got one for ya! How ’bout, a really bumpy road is called a “twerk” road.

GILDERSLEEVE
“Twerk,” eh? And that means “bumpy?”

MADISON
Bumpy and grindy.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, yes, this road is definitely grinding my gears. So that is a most accurate descriptor. “Twerk.” Ope! We almost went in the ditch that time!

MADISON
And without even drinking first.

GILDERSLEEVE
Madison, this is no time to horse around. Although, if there was a horse around, I’d trade it in for this car.

MADISON
New subject, dad joke. I’m hungry.

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, we could be having sandwiches right now if you–

MADISON
Or you.

GILDERSLEEVE
If we had brought any along. How about we stop and eat at the next “Stop and Eat.”

MADISON
Oh, I love roadside diners! Forget all of those chain restaurants. Gimme a place where the cook still chain smokes over the grill and the waitress’ wrinkles are a road map of a hard lived life.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, my. That doesn’t sound appetizing at all.

MADISON
The food is so full of grease you don’t really taste it anyway.

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh-huh. Well, that place up ahead doesn’t look bad. However, we’re so far behind schedule. Let’s just get some sandwiches to eat along the way.

MADISON
As long as I’m not makin’ ’em.

GILDERSLEEVE
Come on, Madison.

MADISON
I’m right behind ya.

GILDERSLEEVE
Ah, so you are. In that dress. Uh… perhaps you’d like to wear my coat? It is getting rather… nippy out.

MADISON
Nippy…? Ah, yes. The girls are at full attention. This is pretty thin material for a dress.

GILDERSLEEVE
Probably why slips are usually worn under a dress. Here’s my coat.

MADISON
Thanks. Ah! Dude! Cigar smoker?

GILDERSLEEVE
Why, yes!

MADISON
Does this coat double as a humidor?

GILDERSLEEVE
Let’s sit here at the counter. Ah…

MADISON
Tired, Uncle Mort?

GILDERSLEEVE
Again, I’m not your uncle. And yes, I feel as though I’ve been riding a bucking bronco for the last thirty miles. And the bronco won.

MADISON
Ya know the Saddle Ranch on the Sunset strip still has one of those mechanical bulls. You’ve never seen vomiting until you’ve seen Linsey Lohan ride one after four pitchers of margaritas.

WAITRESS
What can I get ya, sir?

GILDERSLEEVE
Nothing after that story.

WAITRESS
And you, Miss?

MADISON
You know what I am craving? Gimme a big thick burger with grilled onions, pickles, cheese and with like, so much ketchup the bun can’t contain it. I wanna be one of those Carl’s Junior girls who turns a hamburger into sex.

WAITRESS
Uh… Fries or onion rings?

MADISON
Both.

GILDERSLEEVE
Excuse me, waitress? I’ve… suddenly gotten an appetite.

WAITRESS
Me, too. Sheila? Cover my tables. I need a smoke break.

MADISON
She didn’t take your order.

GILDERSLEEVE
Button up that coat! You’re letting in a draft.

MACGUIRE
How long did it take you to drive from Fairview, Mr. Toby?

TOBY
Oh, about seven hours, MacGuire. At this rate I should be in Summerfield by ten o’clock tonight.

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh, excuse me, gentlemen, but I couldn’t help overhearing that last remark. Don’t count on getting to Summerfield by ten o’clock tonight.

TOBY
No? Why not?

GILDERSLEEVE
Because these blasted roads are in a blasted condition.

MACGUIRE
Oh, you don’t like our roads, eh?

TOBY
Now, MacGuire, take it easy. What’s wrong with our roads?!

MADISON
They remind me of the streets in L.A. Every time a big truck goes by, it feels like a six pointer on the Richter Scale.

TOBY
Now, see here–!

GILDERSLEEVE
No, you see here. Don’t get angry at us just because I warned you about that “Twerk” road ahead of you.

MACGUIRE
What did you call it?

MADISON
“Twerk” road.

MACGUIRE
What’s a “twerk?”

MADISON
Uck. This is a twerk.

WAITRESS
Miss? I forgot to ask you how you wanted your burger cooked.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh… my… goodness…

TOBY
How…? How does she even… do that?

WAITRESS
Sheila! I’m taking my lunch!

MADISON
Okay? Got it?

MACGUIRE
Is that… jitterbug?

MADISON
Jitterbuggery.

TOBY
What were we talking about, MacGuire?

MACGUIRE
I miss my wife.

GILDERSLEEVE
I was giving you some advice about driving on these horrible roads.

TOBY
Oh, yes, right. I accept that as a personal insult!

MADISON
What’s the big deal? Do you like, own the road?

MACGUIRE
Well, I’m MacGuire, the Superintendent of Road Maintenance for this section, and this is State Highway Commissioner Toby.

MADISON
“Toby MacGuire.” That’s legit from the original script, folks. My spidey senses are tingling.

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, so what if you are? What am I supposed to do? If you think I’m gonna back up and crawl, Commissioner, you’re mistaken. I’ve done all my backing up and crawling for the day on that blankety-blank road of yours!

MADISON
“Blankety-blank?” Our podcast won’t sensor you if you wanna get it all out.

TOBY
I don’t like your attitude!

GILDERSLEEVE
And I don’t like your highway! It looks like it was surveyed through the bottom of a beer bottle!

MADISON
Ah… beer goggles. So many mistakes made. So many walks of shame.

TOBY
Now, look, here! You are doing Mr. Macguire an injustice. He and his men have been constructing that road for the past six years.

GILDERSLEEVE
I know that. I saw the signs all along the way. Slow men at work.

MADISON
Oh, yeah. Up high for that one.

MACGUIRE
Well, that’s enough! I’m gonna hand this guy a face full of fist!

WAITRESS
Your burger, Miss. On the house.

MADISON
Oh! You’re so sweet!

GILDERSLEEVE
Ah, our order’s here!

WAITRESS
Maybe next time you’re in town, you could show me how you… do that?

MADISON
You got the engine under the hood, girl. It’s just a matter of revving it up.

MACGUIRE
Why don’t we both step outside?

GILDERSLEEVE
Mister, you’re mighty lucky we’re in a hurry!

MADISON
But, Uncle Mort, you never got to order anything.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, I’ll… just have some of your onion rings.

MADISON
No one touches my onion rings!

MACGUIRE
Oh, he got me all steamed up.

WAITRESS
So did she. Sheila! I’m going home early!

TOBY
Well, I’m gonna head out.

MACGUIRE
Aren’t you gonna finish your steak commissioner?

TOBY
No. The mood’s gone. I might as well get started. Put that one on my tab, Sheila.

MACGUIRE
I’ll come with you, Commissioner. Don’t let that big blimp get your goat. What does a mug like that know about the headaches of building roads?

TOBY
Yes, you’re right MacGuire. Hey, I thought I parked my car here.

MACGUIRE
Are you sure?

TOBY
Well, I think so. I remember it was near this truck.

MACGUIRE
There it is, Commissioner.

TOBY
That’s strange. Could someone have moved it? Hey, hold on a minute, Mac. That isn’t my car.

MACGUIRE
It certainly looks like it.

TOBY
Sure. It’s the same make, same model, same color, but those aren’t my official license plates.

MACGUIRE
Hey, that’s right.

TOBY
Oh, now I wonder who could have been such a chucklehead as to pull a trick like this.

MACGUIRE
Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve.

TOBY
What are you talking about?

MACGUIRE
That’s the name of the bird that owns this car. Here’s his registration certificate.

TOBY
We’ve gotta get that car of mine back, MacGuire. We gotta send out a police warning over the radio to the highway patrol!

MACGUIRE
Sure, Commissioner, we’ll get it back. You needn’t get excited about it.

TOBY
You don’t understand! There’s been an emergency — a rock slide on the road near Summerfield. And I’ve got a hundred pounds of explosives in the rear compartment of my car!

SCENE THREE

GILDERSLEEVE
You notice how much more pep the car seems to have now, Madison? I really get a bang out of driving a car with oomph.

MADISON
Watch out for that bump!

GILDERSLEEVE
Huh? Oh! Quite a twerk, wasn’t it?

MADISON
That last bump broke my twerk. All I got left is The Floss.

GILDERSLEEVE
I can’t get over how much better the car runs. Madison, hold on, here comes a curve! Ope!

MADISON
What was that, Vin Diesel? The Summerfield Drift?

GILDERSLEEVE
Ah! Here comes another twerk!

MADISON
I’ve had shopping carts with missing wheels that rode smoother than this.

GILDERSLEEVE
I hope that didn’t hurt any of our little cottontail cuties in the rear there.

MADISON
I can’t believe you put the rabbits in the trunk. When you said “rear compartment” I thought you meant the backseat.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, they’re fine back there. I can hear the box bouncing up and down.

MADISON
Why don’t you pull over so I can get the box and hold it on my lap? We should probably arrive with live bunnies, unless this rabbit show is a Hasenpfeffer cook-off.

GILDERSLEEVE
No, no need for that. Besides, we’re still running late and need to–

MADISON
There’s a red lantern on the road!

GILDERSLEEVE
What red lantern?! Oh, that red lantern.

MADISON
Why did someone leave a red lantern in the middle of the road?

GILDERSLEEVE
A red lantern is used to warn drivers of a road hazard. This road should be lined with them.

MADISON
So what, it’s a 1940’s road flair?

GILDERSLEEVE
And no wonder I couldn’t see it. There’s a big pile of dirt behind it. Well, this appears to be the end of the detour. We need to make up time, so now I’m really gonna hit it up.

MADISON
Go, Speed Racer, go.

GILDERSLEEVE
I want you to keep a sharp lookout. If you see any highway patrol cars, just nudge me. Understand?

MADISON
Sure, thing, Bandit.

GILDERSLEEVE
Good. I don’t expect to get– Oh! Madison! Don’t bump me, I’m driving!

MADISON
That wasn’t a bump, it was a nudge.

GILDERSLEEVE
Let me explain to you the principle differences between a bump and a nudge. A bump is more–

MADISON
Dude! It’s the fuzz!

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, my goodness! I better stop, eh?

MADISON
Up to you, O.J., but where I come from, police chases never end well for the chase-ee.

GILDERSLEEVE
I can’t imagine what in the world I’ve done.

MADISON
Yeah, everybody knows speed limits are merely a suggestion.

GILDERSLEEVE
Now, you keep quiet and let me address these officers.

MADISON
Sure, what could a hot young blonde possibly offer the cops that a middle aged old dude couldn’t?

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh, good evening, boys!

MIKE
Good evening, Chief.

GILDERSLEEVE
What can I do for you boys?

SID
Just stay where you are, sir. We’ll have the fire out in a minute.

GILDERSLEEVE
Ah, yes. Fire?!

MADISON
You were literally burning rubber.

GILDERSLEEVE
Is it my tires?! Confound all these twerks!

SID
It’s just one of your rear brakes. Gimme that extinguisher, Mike.

MIKE
Here ya are, Sid. And button up your coat! It’s the Commissioner, man!

SID
Oh, yeah, thanks.

GILDERSLEEVE
Say, what’s going on back there, boys?

MIKE
Nothin’ to get excited about, Chief. One of the breaks must’ve locked.

MADISON
O.M.G.! The rabbits!!

GILDERSLEEVE
They’re probably sleeping.

MADISON
You are determined to kill the rabbits! Who are you? Elmer Fudd? Actually, you do kinda look like him, except for the mustache.

MIKE
I don’t think any harm was done. You’ll just watch your breaks for a while, Chief.

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, thank you very much, boys. Anytime I can do anything for you. Uh… I got a card here, someplace…

SID
Oh, we know who you are.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, you do? Well, I never knew I was that famous.

MADISON
Everyone knows Elmer Fudd.

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, I gotta be getting along now. Goodbye, boys.

MIKE
Goodbye, sir.

SID
Bye, sir.

MIKE
Now there’s a genuine guy.

SID
Yeah. And did you get a load of that dame he had with him? It pays to be the Commissioner, eh, Mike?

MIKE
You know, he’s a lot better looking than his picture.

SID
Yeah. But don’t you think he’s a little… fatter?

MIKE
No, not fatter, Sid. Heavier setter. You see, fatter isn’t a respectful way to describe a state commissioner.

SID
Yeah. And I guess the dame don’t mind it! Well, let’s get rollin’ again.

MIKE
Yeah.

RADIO DISPATCH
Attention all highway patrols.

MIKE
Hey, listen!

RADIO DISPATCH
Be on lookout for a large gray sedan license: four-X-six-six-niner.

SID
That number’s familiar.

RADIO DISPATCH
A state car assigned to Highway Commissioner Toby–

MIKE
That’s the guy that was just here!

RADIO DISPATCH
— was taken from Junction Grill an hour ago by stout man and a blonde woman with a black mustache.

SID
A blonde woman with a black mustache?

RADIO DISPATCH
Handle situation with care. Rear end of car is loaded with explosives.

SID
Come on, Mike, let’s go get ’em!

MIKE
But we gotta be careful with those explosives.

SID
We’ll trail him till he slows up, or blows up.

SCENE FOUR

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, we’ve been making good time. I thought we better stop here in Millville and get some gasoline. Where’s that attendant? Madison! Where are you going?

MADISON
I’m gonna pump the gas. Where on this weird looking pump-thing do you insert the debit card?

GILDERSLEEVE
Get back in this car! You’re not supposed to pump the gas! That’s what the attendant is for!

MADISON
Where are we? New Jersey?

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, say, it’s the police chaps again.

MIKE
Alright, stick ’em up, you two!

SID
Yeah, stick ’em up!

MADISON
Dude, the cops are trying to hold us up!

SID
No, we ain’t! We’re arresting you!

GILDERSLEEVE
Arresting us? Oh, are you two practicing?

SID
Get ’em up, quick!

MADISON
Are you guys new at this or something?

MIKE
What’re you talkin’ about?

MADISON
“Stick ’em up” is what armed robbers say. “Put your hands up” is what cops say.

SID
They both get the same end result, don’t they?

MADISON
Yeah, I guess.

SID
So, stick ’em up!

MADISON
Well, this is certainly a breakdown in protocol.

MIKE
What are you doing?

MADISON
Filming you for evidence of police brutality.

SID
We’re not being brutal.

MADISON
Of course not. Because I’m filming you.

GILDERSLEEVE
Now, see, here!

SID
Hold it right there, fatso!

GILDERSLEEVE
Fatso?!

MADISON
Don’t worry, Uncle Mort, I got it on camera! He’s trying to provoke you into an altercation!

MIKE
How did we get to be the bad guys? You’re the ones who stole the highway commissioner’s car!

MADISON
Oh, please. If I were gonna steal a car, you think I’d steal a sedan? Do I look like a soccer mom?

GILDERSLEEVE
Now, you wait just one moment. What’s all this about the commissioner’s car?

MIKE
Take a peek at those official license plates.

GILDERSLEEVE
Why, how did those get there?

SID
Sure, sure. You had no idea you stole the commissioner’s car with the rear compartment loaded full of explosives.

GILDERSLEEVE
Explosives?! I’ll have you know that rear compartment is only full hares who couldn’t harm a hair!

MIKE
Okay, take a look, Sid.

GILDERSLEEVE
Won’t he be surprised, Madison?

MADISON
I’m feeling like this is gonna go south fast and I need an exit strategy.

SID
Ah-ha!

GILDERSLEEVE
You see, it’s just rabbits, Officer.

SID
Oh, yeah? Come here, Mike. Does this look like rabbits to you?

MIKE
Nah, to me it looks like a case of explosives.

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, then, maybe you two need to eat more carrots like these rabbits because you clearly need your eyes checked!

MADISON
Actually, it’s not recommended to feed rabbits carrots, except for maybe as a treat. Bugs Bunny lied to us.

SID
Need to get my eyes checked, huh? Why don’t you come back here and look for yourself?

GILDERSLEEVE
Yes! Come on, Madison, let’s show these stupid– Ohhh, my goodness! How’d that dynamite get in there?!

MIKE
That’s what we aim to find out.

GILDERSLEEVE
Good. Who do we ask?

MIKE
You.

GILDERSLEEVE
Me?

MIKE
Yeah. You.

MADISON
Great, I’m being dragged into another heist rap. Would you two officers believe I’m just an innocent hitchhiker he picked up along the road?

MIKE
More than I believe you actually wanna be with this guy.

SID
I dunno, Mike. Look what she’s wearin’ under that coat.

MADISON
Where’s your search warrant? I didn’t give you permission to look under my coat!

MIKE
All right, you two are comin’ with us.

GILDERSLEEVE
Just where are you taking us?

MIKE
The Millville Police Station.

GILDERSLEEVE
On what charges?

SID
Grand theft auto.

MADISON
I didn’t grand theft this auto!

MIKE
And soliciting with public lewdness.

MADISON
What?!

GILDERSLEEVE
I told you to keep that coat buttoned!

MADISON
They think this dress is slutty? You shoulda seen what I wore on the red carpet for the Grammys. Bianca Censori was all, “Girl, that’s too revealing.”

SCENE FIVE

GILDERSLEEVE
I’m telling you for the last time, Captain, will you telephone our home in Summerfield so that my maid can identify me? She must be back from her sister’s by now!

CAPTAIN
Just keep your shirt on. I put in a call a few minutes ago.

MADISON
Do I get a phone call? I’m not really with him.

CAPTAIN
That’s not what the officers said.

MADISON
Oh, please. This guy couldn’t afford me.

CAPTAIN
I bet that’s your call now. Hello?

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, thank goodness. Birdie will get it cleared up right away.

MADISON
But I don’t know this Birdie.

GILDERSLEEVE
That’s all right. She’ll vouch for me, then I’ll vouch for you.

MADISON
Forget it. I want my own lawyer.

CAPTAIN
Hello?

LEROY
Yeah? Who’s this?

CAPTAIN
Long distance from Millville.

LEROY
My uncle won’t let me accept long distance phone calls. G’bye!

CAPTAIN
Wait a minute, son!

GILDERSLEEVE
Son? Oh, Leroy must’ve come home. Captain?

CAPTAIN
This is the police department. We’re holding a man with–

GILDERSLEEVE
Ask if he has the mumps.

CAPTAIN
–the mumps. Oh! Be quiet, you! We’re holding a man with a stolen car loaded with explosives. He claims to be, uh… Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve.

LEROY
That can’t be my Uncle Mort, he took the train to Fairview.

CAPTAIN
Oh, he took the train, huh?

GILDERSLEEVE
The train? Oh, I forgot to tell Leroy we had a change of plans!

MADISON
Legally, they can’t take the word of a twelve year-old, can they? Or are we in the South where twelve year-olds can marry?

CAPTAIN
This man claims he drove this car as far as Junction City.

LEROY
Fat chance. Unc’s car is right here in the garage.

CAPTAIN
Ah, well, in that case, I was right all along. I’m sorry I troubled you. Goodbye.

GILDERSLEEVE
Goodbye?! Wait a minute! Why did you hang up?

CAPTAIN
Look, you, I’ve had enough of this. Sergeant, put these two in separate cells till morning.

MADISON
What about my phone call? I just met this guy today!

CAPTAIN
When you offered to, “go for a ride” with him?

MADISON
Yeah! I was paid to be his companion and to ride… with him. Oh… that didn’t sound good.

TOBY
Here, here what’s going on?

CAPTAIN
Oh, hello, Commissioner Toby. I recovered your car for you, sir.

TOBY
Yes, I know. Where’s the man who took it?

GILDERSLEEVE
Here I am. Hello, Commissioner.

TOBY
Oh. So it was the little critic of the state highway system. Well, I’m only thankful nothing happened to my car with all that blasting powder in the back.

GILDERSLEEVE
Yes! What do you mean by letting me carry dangerous explosives?

TOBY
You oughta be thankful you’re getting out of this mess without going to jail.

CAPTAIN
You mean you don’t want him held, Commissioner?

TOBY
This man just made an innocent mistake. It was stupid, but I don’t think it was intentional. Come on outside, Gildersleeve, and we’ll trade cars.

GILDERSLEEVE
Yes, all right. Good night, Captain. Good night, Sergeant. Good night, Madison.

MADISON
Hey! What about me?

CAPTAIN
We’re still holding you for public lewdness.

MADISON
Aw! C’mon! Commissioner, you saw me in the diner! You know I’m not a hooker!

TOBY
Yes, I saw you. Captain?

CAPTAIN
Yes, Commissioner?

TOBY
She’s definitely a hooker.

MADISON
What?!

GILDERSLEEVE
No, no, no. She’s a friend of my niece’s from the munitions factory coming along with me to my nephew’s Junior Rabbit Breeders Show.

CAPTAIN
That’s so stupid, it must be true. Fine. You’re free to go.

TOBY
All right, since you’re getting your hooker back–

MADISON
Not a hooker.

TOBY
–may I please get my car back?

GILDERSLEEVE
We better make sure the rabbits haven’t gone bunny up, eh?

TOBY
Oh, the rabbits? Don’t worry, they’re safe.

GILDERSLEEVE
Did you have a look at ’em?

TOBY
I’ll say I did. And they jumped right out of the box and escaped.

GILDERSLEEVE
Escaped?!

MADISON
Well, if my choice was to live in a box in the trunk of a smelly car or be free to run in the fresh grass of the countryside… no contest.

GILDERSLEEVE
But the Rabbit Show! Oh, Leroy is going to be so disappointed.

TOBY
Now, calm down. They’re back in the box. I called out a road gang and rounded them all up again. Took the better part of two hours.

MADISON
Sorry, my bunny brothers.

TOBY
They’re all right. In fine condition. All seven of them.

GILDERSLEEVE
Yes. Seven?! But we only had four rabbits to begin with!

MADISON
Does that mean the rabbits were having sex in the back of the car? Isn’t it amazing how nature can be so relatable?

SCENE SIX

LEROY
Hello? Hello, operator? Quick, get me the Millville Police Department! Oh, I hope Uncle Mort doesn’t get mad at me for calling long distance– Hello, Millville Police? This is Leroy Forrester of seven-four-seven Parkside Avenue. Somebody there called me about a stolen car? … You found it? Well, we lost it! I just went into our garage and my uncle’s car isn’t there! It must’ve been taken by a desperate criminal. Who else would wanna steal that broken down heap?

SCENE SEVEN

GILDERSLEEVE
Madison, quit pinching me. What’s the big idea?

MADISON
I don’t want you to fall asleep behind the wheel. I did that once, but thankfully my Uber passenger woke me up before I hit the center divider.

GILDERSLEEVE
By, George, it’s two in the morning. I’d stop right now but it’d make us late for that rabbit show.

MADISON
We’re late, we’re late, for a very important date?

GILDERSLEEVE
What’s that noise?

MADISON
Another smokey on our tail.

COP
All right! Pull over to the side of the road!

GILDERSLEEVE
A cop? The police have been on my neck tonight like a muffler. Well, this time they can’t find anything wrong. I’m driving under forty. My lights are all right. It’s my own car.

MADISON
I’m not a hooker.

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh… maybe keep that coat buttoned when I speak to the officer.

MADISON
Don’t put this on me! This isn’t like the time I ran out with a fist full of forks from Golden Corral. You must’ve done something.

GILDERSLEEVE
This is probably some officer who hadn’t heard that everything’s been straightened out between Commissioner Toby and me. You watch me handle this fellow, I’ll get rid of him inside of two minutes.

MADISON
Two minutes?

GILDERSLEEVE
Yes. Two minutes. You can time me. But you can’t hold us any longer, Officer! We’ve been here for two hours already!

MADISON
Two and a half. I’m still timing you.

COP
Quiet, you. Can’t you see the Captain’s sleeping?

GILDERSLEEVE
Ope! Captain! Captain, wake up!

CAPTAIN
Huh? What? Oh, you’re here again? How many times is it now?

MADISON
Still just two. But you’ve fallen asleep like, four or five times, and by the snoring you’ve been doing, I worry you might need a CPAP machine.

GILDERSLEEVE
Come on, now, Captain! How soon are you gonna set us free?

CAPTAIN
I can’t do anything until we hear from the party in Summerfield who turned in the stolen car report.

GILDERSLEEVE
When they call, let me talk to ’em. I’d like to get my hands on anybody who says I stole my own automobile.

CAPTAIN
Hello, Millville Police Station, Captain Webster speaking.

LEROY
Have you been calling the Gildersleeve residence?

CAPTAIN
Yes.

LEROY
Well, cut it out, will ya? It’s four-thirty in the mornin’!

CAPTAIN
Did you report a stolen car earlier tonight?

LEROY
Yeah! But it’ll still be stolen after sun-up. Call back then.

CAPTAIN
Now, wait a moment, young man–

GILDERSLEEVE
Young man? It’s Leroy! Gimme that phone, Captain! Thank you. Now, see here, Leroy!

MADISON
I know that tone. Even when my dad texts me, I can hear that tone.

GILDERSLEEVE
What’s the idea of having the police chase me clear across the state?

LEROY
That you, Uncle Mort? Whatcha doin’ in the pokey?

GILDERSLEEVE
You oughta know! You put me in this… pokey! Madison and I took the car instead of the train.

LEROY
Oh, good!

GILDERSLEEVE
Good?

LEROY
Well, yeah. I was feelin’ bad on account of me not gettin’ to ride the train.

GILDERSLEEVE
All right, Leroy, all right. We’ll go on a train ride some other time–

LEROY
And guess what? I don’t got the mumps after all!

GILDERSLEEVE
Wonderful, Leroy. Now you tell the Captain here that I’m Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve. Understand?

LEROY
Sure, Unc.

GILDERSLEEVE
Here you are, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Hello, young man?

MADISON
You know, none of this would be happening if you old timey people had photos on your driver’s licenses. I mean listen to this description. Without a photo, this could be anybody. “Male, black hair, brown eyes, height: five-eight, weight: one-forty.” One-forty?

GILDERSLEEVE
Don’t push it, Madison, unless you want to walk back to Summerfield.

CAPTAIN
Well, Gildersleeve, it looks like a clean bill of health for you. I guess you two can go now.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, thank goodness. Come on, Madison, it’s time we got–

CAPTAIN
Just a moment. You gotta fill out this form so I can release the car to you.

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, brother.

TOBY
Take your hands off me! I tell you, I didn’t steal that car! It’s mine! I’m State Highway Commissioner Francis S. Toby!

MIKE
Oh, yeah? Well, we had another guy tonight who was also supposed to be the commissioner!

SID
Yeah, he had this squirrelly dame who–

MADISON
Oh, hey guys, s’up?

TOBY
Oh, Miss Standish! Am I glad to see you! Tell this lunkhead I’m Commissioner Toby!

MIKE
You know this man?

MADISON
Nope.

SID
I figured as much.

MIKE
All right, you, let’s go!

TOBY
Now, see here! I demand to speak to the Captain! You can’t hold me! I’ll have your badges!

GILDERSLEEVE
All right, Madison, we’re finally ready to go. My, what was all that commotion?

MADISON
Payback for calling me a hooker.

SCENE EIGHT

GILDERSLEEVE
Well, Madison, this must be it. Oh, yes! The sign says “Fairview Convention Hall exhibitor’s entrance.”

MADISON
Okay, let’s get the rabbits. After this drive, they should win a blue ribbon for endurance.

PORTER
Your passes, please, sir.

GILDERSLEEVE
Uh, passes? Oh, yes, here they are.

PORTER
Open the envelope, please.

GILDERSLEEVE
Certainly, certainly.

PORTER
I’m sorry, folks, but these are the wrong kind of tickets.

MADISON
Dude, instead of backstage passes, did you get us general admission? If you did, gimme about six minutes. I got ways to get past security. Got me backstage at tons of concerts.

GILDERSLEEVE
That won’t be necessary, Madison. Porter, let me see those tickets. Oh, suffering whale, Madison!

MADISON
“Suffering whale”? What kind of exclamation is that? “Oh, drowning puppies!” “Oh, starving kittens!” “Oh, boiled bunnies!” Which we might have if we don’t get them out of the trunk.

GILDERSLEEVE
Listen to me, Madison! The tickets. They’re our train tickets!

MADISON
You mean we could’ve taken the train this whole time?!

GILDERSLEEVE
Oh, no! That means I sent Cousin Flora the rabbit show passes!

PORTER
You can purchase tickets at the box office around front.

GILDERSLEEVE
I suppose I’ll have to. Uh, Porter, while I’m getting the tickets, could you help Madison, here, with our box of rabbits?

PORTER
Of course, I’ll be glad to.

MADISON
Good. Because by now, who knows how many rabbits are in there.

GILDERSLEEVE
You’ll find the box in the rear compartment.

PORTER
Not a problem, sir.

GILDERSLEEVE
What’s the matter? Can’t you budge ’em?

MADISON
Geez! How many more did they make!

GILDERSLEEVE
Here, I’ll help you. Oh, my gosh! Madison! The box!

MADISON
Dead bunnies?

GILDERSLEEVE
Worse! “Danger explosives.” It’s the Commissioner’s car again!

MADISON
All right, I’m out.

GILDERSLEEVE
“Out”? What do you mean? How’re you gonna get home?

MADISON
Like this. Porter, would you mind driving me back to Summerfield.

PORTER
Summerfield? Why that’s a day’s drive away!

MADISON
Oh, Uncle Mort?

GILDERSLEEVE
Not your uncle.

MADISON
Here’s your coat back.

PORTER
Oh, my, word! You’re…. you’re only wearing a… a…

MADISON
Yes, I am. How ’bout that ride?

PORTER
My car’s this way!

MADISON
Told ya I coulda got you backstage. Bye, Uncle Mort!

GILDERSLEEVE
I’m having one of my days.

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“The Great Gildersleeve” first premiered on NBC in August, 1941 and is one of broadcasting’s first spin-off series. A beloved supporting character on “Fibber McGee and Molly,” Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve — much like Frasier in Cheers — got a new start with a new lineup of characters in a new town, now with him at the center. Harold Peary originated the role of Gildersleeve, but in 1950, he was persuaded to move the series to CBS. However, the show’s sponsor, Kraft Foods, wouldn’t sanction the move. Peary, now contractually obligated to CBS, was barred from playing the role on NBC, so Gildersleeve was recast with Willard Waterman. Waterman was well received in the role until 1955 when the series was moved to television. There it only lasted 39 episodes. Harold Peary gave a reason the show failed on TV. Waterman, himself was a very tall man, and, as Peary was quoted saying, “Gildersleeve was not a tall man. He was a little man who thought he was a tall man.” So once audiences could see Waterman, the character didn’t work. But that hasn’t stopped Throckmorton P. Gildersleeve from being a favorite character even to audiences today.