MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE GREEN LAMA: THE LAST DINOSAUR”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JAN 2024
SCENE ONE
GREEN LAMA
Om mani padme hum — the Green Lama strikes for justice!
ANNOUNCER
Time now for another exciting adventure from the files of Jethro Dumont. Jethro Dumont, the wealthy young American who, after ten years in Tibet, returned as the Green Lama to amaze the world with his curious and secret powers in his single-handed fight against injustice and crime!
MADISON
O.M.G. you guys. So okay, that’s “Lama” as in the Dalai Lama. Not “llama” as in the animal that looks like a sheep made it with a giraffe.
TOKU
I am Toku. My friend, the Green Lama and I return together from my country, Tibet. It was my duty and pleasure to serve Jethro Dumont–
MADISON
Whoa! Stop. Not happenin’. Maybe you guessed it already but, “The Green Lama” was a character created to capitalize on a bunch of already popular superheroes of the 40s. The Shadow who was a rich dude who got his powers from studying in the Orient, Batman because the Green Lama only went to study in Tibet after his parents were killed — he was in college when it happened though — and,
of course, “The Green Hornet” with his Asian servant sidekick, in this case, Toku. But this guy doesn’t even kick ass with martial arts. He just goes around calling The Green Lama “Oh, Great One” and stuff… it’s gross. So, like, we already addressed that awful trope in our episode of “The Green Hornet,” — episode seventeen — so Toku, sorry dude, you’re not appearing in my episode.
TOKU
Then I will wait patiently for your episode to conclude. For it is truly written, that a patient caterpillar will be rewarded with wings to fly.
MADISON
Yeah, so the show writes in these proverbs to sound more… mystical Asian-y, I guess? Like a white chick getting a yin yang tattoo. Ooo… you’re deep. Okay, so this story is called, “The Last Dinosaur.” The Green Lama lives in New York but is visiting L.A. He’s here because… Oh, dammit, I gotta go punch in for my shift. Um…. I’ll just leave you in the Green Lama’s hotel room and you’ll go from there. Byeee!
GREEN LAMA
Oh, yes, hello, front desk? This is Jethro Dumont in room two- forty-seven. I’d like you to call me a taxi. Yes, as soon as possible. Thank you. Um, yes? Come in.
FILBERT
I’m lookin’ for Mr. Jethro Du-mont?
GREEN LAMA
I’m Jethro Dumont.
FILBERT
Yeah, I’m Filbert Jones. I’m here to drive you to the party. Mr. Herman’s party, that is.
GREEN LAMA
Herman sent a car for me?
FILBERT
Well, Herman K. Herman, he’s, uh… a big time producer and all that.
GREEN LAMA
Yes, I know. We’re actually old friends.
FILBERT
Is the party for you, then? Bein’ that you’re the Green Lama?
GREEN LAMA
No, no, it’s not for me. Herman just finished a new picture and is giving a cocktail party in honor of that.
FILBERT
Oh, yeah, sure.
GREEN LAMA
I certainly wasn’t expecting car service. I just telephoned for a taxi.
FILBERT
Yeah, well, um, I’m here, so… you ready to go?
GREEN LAMA
I’m ready to go anytime, Mr. Jones.
FILBERT
Okay, let’s get started. When I’m drivin’ anybody as important as the Green Lama, I like to start early. That way I don’t have to drive fast, and maybe there won’t be any accidents.
GREEN LAMA
It would be preferable to arrive at the party in one piece.
SCENE TWO
GREEN LAMA
Driver, how much farther to Mr. Herman’s home?
FILBERT
We’re arriving now, Mr. Du-mont.
GREEN LAMA
Well, Herman K. seems to have done very well for himself. From the looks of things, I guess the party is being held by the swimming pool.
FILBERT
Yeah, everybody out here likes to live either near a swimmin’ pool or the ocean. But they don’t like to drink water.
GREEN LAMA
Indeed.
FILBERT
Well, see you later, Mr. Du-mont.
GREEN LAMA
Yes, I think you will. Pardon me, Miss, I’m looking for Mr. Herman?
MADISON
That makes two of us.
GREEN LAMA
I suppose all of Herman’s guests want a moment of his time.
MADISON
Guest? Did you miss the entire cocktail waitress uniform goin’ on here?
GREEN LAMA
Oh, I beg your pardon. I didn’t realize you were a… um…
MADISON
Caterwaiter. Yeah, I do this to get into Hollywood parties to meet producers and stuff.
GREEN LAMA
Well, you never know where an opportunity may come from.
MADISON
That’s what I figured. I used to crash these parties, but as a caterwaiter, I get arrested a lot less.
GREEN LAMA
Yes, I can see the advantages of… not being arrested.
HERMAN
Jethro!
GREEN LAMA
Hello, Herman!
MADISON
Oh! That’s him? The big producer?
GREEN LAMA
Uh… yes.
HERMAN
Jethro, am I glad that you could come! How are you?
GREEN LAMA
Herman K., it’s sure good seeing you again.
HERMAN
Oh, I’m sorry to interrupt. Were you ordering a drink, Jethro?
GREEN LAMA
Actually, uh–
MADISON
Actually, we’re old friends.
GREEN LAMA
Actually–
MADISON
I’m Madison Standish. S’up.
HERMAN
I apologize. It’s just, with your wardrobe, I thought–
MADISON
Oh! How embarrassing! Is someone else wearing my dress?
GREEN LAMA
Undoubtedly, the entire waitstaff.
HERMAN
Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, um–
MADISON
Madison.
HERMAN
Madison.
MADISON
Standish.
HERMAN
…Standish.
MADISON
It’s always good to get people to repeat your name. They’re more likely to remember it.
HERMAN
Madison Standish. I’ll… remember.
GREEN LAMA
So, Herman, it’s been a long time.
HERMAN
Not since Harvard, 1935, Jethro. But I’ve been keeping tabs on you through the newspapers. This Green Lama stuff is a great gimmick!
MADISON
Wait, what did he call you?
GREEN LAMA
The Green Lama. No, I’m not a green pack animal that’s related to a camel. Ha, ha, ha.
MADISON
No, I meant “Jethro.” Where’s Ellie Mae? You goin’ skinny dippin’ in the ce-ment pond?
GREEN LAMA
I can see why you get arrested so often.
MARY
Well, Chief, the party seems to be a great success. Oh, a late arrival. Miss, I’ll have a gin and tonic.
HERMAN
Uh, Mary, this is Madison Standish.
MADISON
See! You remembered!
HERMAN
She’s not a cocktail waitress.
MARY
Then why do I keep seeing her getting multiple drinks from the bar?
MADISON
I’m a lush.
HERMAN
Mary, meet my old friend, Jethro Dumont. You know, the Green Lama.
MADISON
Wow, no secret identity, huh?
GREEN LAMA
Um… no.
MADISON
Then why do you have the green cape and hood? That whole get up that you clearly ripped off from The Green Arrow?
GREEN LAMA
I premiered a year before that bow-wielding Robin Hood!
MADISON
Ooo. I must be a dentist, because I hit a nerve.
GREEN LAMA
I didn’t study for ten years in Tibet to be overshadowed by someone who’s only skill is archery.
MADISON
Seriously. Why is it even an Olympic sport?
GREEN LAMA
I fought Nazis, ya know!
MADISON
Dude, you’re gettin’ upset. You might want to try some of that lama meditation. Or do what I do and drink until your chakras are aligned.
MARY
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Dumont.
HERMAN
Jethro, this is my secretary, Mary Carter.
MARY
How do you do?
GREEN LAMA
Hello.
HERMAN
Mary, show Jethro the new bag I just gave you.
MARY
Oh, sure.
GREEN LAMA
It’s a very attractive alligator bag.
MADISON
Alligator?! Your purse is made from a flayed reptile? You deserve to have Steve Irwin wrestle you.
HERMAN
No, no, it’s not alligator! That is genuine, imitation dinosaur.
MADISON
Dinosaur? Well, as long as it’s faux dino. Hashtag “save the dinosaurs”, hashtag “Jail time for Fred Flintstone.”
HERMAN
Look, look, see the big dinosaur footprint on the front? Isn’t that marvelous?
MARY
Of course, you understand that there’s no connection between the dinosaur bag and the fact that we’re making a picture called, “The Last Dinosaur.”
MADISON
Oh! That’s swag? I love free movie swag! Except for the movie “Parasite” where I actually got a parasite. But that might’ve been from drinking whatever Shia LaBeouf handed me.
GLORIA Herman?
MARY
Oh, here comes Miss Poison Ivy of 1949.
MADISON
Dude! Is the Green Lama such a rip-off you stole Poison Ivy from Batman?
HERMAN
She’s not actually “Poison Ivy,” Mary just… has strong opinions. Jethro–
MADISON
And Madison.
HERMAN
And Madison–
MADISON
Standish.
HERMAN
Yes, I believe even the page boys down at the studio know your name.
GLORIA
Well, hello. Who’s this, Herman?
HERMAN
I’d like to present America’s outstanding screen star, Miss Gloria Spear. Gloria, my dear, this is Jethro Dumont, the Green Lama.
MADISON
And Madison Standish.
GLORIA
Say, you’re the waitress who never came back with my martini.
MADISON
You wouldn’t have liked it. It was too dry.
GREEN LAMA
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Spear. I’m sorry to say I’ve never seen any of your pictures. But I’m afraid I’m not much of a moviegoer.
GLORIA
Oh, Mr. Dumont, I’m sure you’re much too busy to think about poor little me.
GREEN LAMA
Not that you’re not worth thinking about.
MADISON
That makes me think, are lamas celibate?
HERMAN
Gloria, show Jethro the new shoes I just gave you. Genuine, imitation dinosaur!
MADISON
O.M.G. those are so cute! Okay, where’s the swag table?
HERMAN
You know every little bit of publicity helps.
GLORIA
Isn’t it all just too silly?
MADISON
Free shoes are never silly. You got ’em in a size sehv-eh, six?
GLORIA
Say, Mr. Dumont, why can’t you and I slip away to Herman’s study? I’d love to learn all about Tibet.
MARY
If anyone could stand a little improvement of the mind, Gloria is the gal.
MADISON
Ouch! That was harsh. Point, Mary.
GLORIA
Isn’t Mary sweet, Mr. Dumont? She’s always so helpful when it comes to unimportant things we stars have to do.
MADISON
Ooo! Point, match Gloria.
SY
Herman, old boy! I just cooked up a sensational idea, you wanna hear it?
HERMAN
Jethro– and Madison… this is my publicity director, Sy Martin.
GREEN LAMA
Hello.
MADISON
‘Sup.
SY
How do you do. Herman, the bartender and I just invented a vodka sour which we are going to call the “Dino-sour.” You get it?
MADISON
For a non-alcohol option you can serve Tea-Rex.
SY
Hey, aren’t you the cocktail waitress the bartender’s been looking for?
HERMAN
So you are a cocktail waitress?
MADISON
I’m an actress who, by the way, isn’t opposed to casting couches, Herman.
GLORIA
I’m Herman’s fiancé.
MADISON
I also do three ways.
HERMAN
Jethro, why don’t I introduce you to some of the other guests, while Mary makes sure Miss Madison Standish returns to her post.
GREEN LAMA
That’s a the best idea I’ve heard tonight.
MARY
Come along, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Fine. But if you’re gonna have me arrested, can I put on some hand lotion first? I find it keeps the handcuffs from chafing.
SCENE THREE
SY
All right, everybody, all right! Time to hear Fischer!
GREEN LAMA
Herman?
HERMAN
Yeah, Jethro?
GREEN LAMA
It’s unseemly for a lama to be so ignorant, but — who is Fischer?
HERMAN
Who is Fischer? Why, George Fischer! He’s got a terrific following. When he plugs a picture, it’s worth a million bucks at the box office!
MADISON
Oh! He’s an influencer!
GREEN LAMA
Madison? Where did you come from? Aren’t you supposed to be working?
MADISON
Not now that I’m fired.
MARY
Maybe I should escort you off the property, then?
HERMAN
No, no, Mary, no time! Go out and be sure that everybody gets in here to listen to Fischer. Sy! Turn on the radio!
SY
Gotcha, Chief!
MARY
You see, Mr. Dumont, when you get to be a big producer, you even have somebody turn your radio on for you.
MADISON
Yeah, it’s called “voice activation”? Your technology is so old it was invented when dinosaurs ruled the Earth.
HERMAN
Come on everybody! Hurry, hurry! Now quiet, everybody, quiet! Sy! Turn up the radio!
FISCHER
A happy hello from Hollywood! This is George Fischer with a flash from the love front. Herman K. Herman, top producer at Triumph Pictures, will marry Triumph’s glamour star, Gloria Spear on Saturday in Las Vegas!
MADISON
It’ll never last.
GREEN LAMA
How do you know?
MADISON
Oh, I say that whenever anyone announces they’re getting married. So if they do get divorced, I can say I called it.
FISCHER
And by the way, it will be a double celebration for producer Herman who on Friday will wrap up his latest film, the epic, “The Last Dinosaur.” I’ve seen footage of the movie already shot, and “The Last Dinosaur” will gross more money at the box office than any three pictures produced in the last year! It’s a great picture, ladies and gentlemen, and in advance of its release, I’m giving it my highest rating: A plus!
MADISON
I reserve judgement until the tomato-meter rating comes out.
FISCHER
Now I’d like to call Mr. Herman’s attention to something on the other side of the ledger. Are you listening, Mr. Herman? Tonight, this radio station has had two phone calls reporting that a live dinosaur has been seen within the city limits of Los Angeles. One lady reported that she saw a dinosaur coming out of the La Brea Tar Pits!
MADISON
See? This is the time when dinosaurs ruled the Earth!
FISCHER
This is obviously irresponsible publicity, and the kind of thing that should be stopped immediately. Mr. Herman, Hollywood and the motion picture industry is finally being run by grown-up adults–
MADISON
HA!
FISCHER
–Make your press agent act like one. In other news out of Tinsel Town, Edgar Bergen was spotted at the Brown Derby Friday–
HERMAN
Sy, turn that radio off. Turn it off! Sy! What was the idea of planting those phony phone calls? You should’ve known somebody would get wise!
SY
But I thought– I mean, I think that–
HERMAN
I don’t pay you to think! I pay you get me publicity! And movies only want publicity that’s dignified!
MADISON
HA!
GREEN LAMA
That came from the direction of the pool.
HERMAN
It’s Gloria! She’s in the swimming pool! Gloria, what’s happened?! Oh, good lord!
SY
She… she’s drown.
MARY
She’s just floating there. Oh, this is terrible!
GREEN LAMA
Here, some of you help me get her out of the pool.
MADISON
Celebrity drowning. It hasn’t been her day, her week, her month, or even her year.
GREEN LAMA
That’s better. Now, put her down here. All right, easy there. Yes, she’s dead.
HERMAN
I always told her to stay away from the pool. She couldn’t swim.
GREEN LAMA
But she didn’t drown, Herman.
MADISON
The barbiturates get to her heart first?
GREEN LAMA
Her head has been crushed in by a very heavy blow. All right, stand back! Please, nothing must be touched until the police get here.
MARY
(screams)
MADISON
Oh, girl, right in my ear.
MARY
Look! Leading away from the pool! Look at those tracks!
GREEN LAMA
Those are the tracks of a baby dinosaur!
MADISON
Dude! It’s like Jurassic Park! Or… Jurassic World. Or… Oh, I can’t keep those movies straight. They’re all just Japanese monster movies with CG instead of guy in a rubber suit.
ANNOUNCER
We’ll return for more of “The Green Lama” and tonight’s story “The Last Dinosaur” after this!
PROMO BREAK
SCENE FOUR
ANNOUNCER
Now to continue with our Green Lama adventure! We take you to the hotel room of Jethro Dumont who has since returned home from Herman K. Herman’s Hollywood party. The Green Lama meditates on the tragedy of the evening’s events.
GREEN LAMA
Sangye choe dang tsok kyi
Chok nam la Jang chup bar
Du dak ni kyap su chi Dak
Gi jin sok gyi pay sonam kyi
Dro la phen chir sangye drup par shok…
May I be granted the power to find the one true path…
MADISON
Dude, you still up?
GREEN LAMA
Madison?
MADISON
You got a mini bar? I got the munchies.
GREEN LAMA
How did you get into my hotel room?
MADISON
The hour is late, and it is written that those who travel in the night are best hidden from Green Lamas who are so busy meditating they don’t hear you sneak in and crash on their bed.
GREEN LAMA
I was trying to find clarity so I might discover what happened to Miss Spear.
MADISON
I thought she was killed by a baby dinosaur.
GREEN LAMA
Get– would–
MADISON
No snacks?
GREEN LAMA
Would you get out of my suitcase, please?
MADISON
Nothin’ in here, anyway. Ah, I was gonna save this for later, but I guess I’ll have to eat the cheese platter I took from the party.
GREEN LAMA
The cheese is in your pockets?
MADISON
How else would you suggest I smuggle cheese out of a Hollywood party?
GREEN LAMA
I’m more concerned with where the murderer was smuggled from. Almost anyone could’ve slipped out of the room. We were all listening to the broadcast. I doubt if a person leaving would’ve been noticed.
MADISON
Or a person returning.
GREEN LAMA
Or returning. But I doubt if the murderer did return. It wasn’t necessary. Miss Spear screamed at the time she was struck, and we all rushed out. The murderer could’ve merely lingered near the spot, and then joined us as we all stood over the body.
MADISON
But what about the dinosaur?
GREEN LAMA
Could you please finish chewing before you propose your theory?
MADISON
Not a very tolerant lama, are ya?
GREEN LAMA
You’re referring to the fact that she was hit over the head, potentially a blow from a heavy foot. There were tracks leaving the body that I, myself, can swear were authentic.
MADISON
You can swear they were authentic? So you’re a lama and a paleontologist?
GREEN LAMA
The police believe the murder was part of a publicity stunt which, somehow, went wrong.
MADISON
In my day, in order to go viral, people do crazy stunts. But I really thought that guardrail was more of a suggestion than something to prevent me from plummeting to my untimely death.
GREEN LAMA
I just don’t think that Herman would do a stunt like that. I knew him pretty well in college.
MADISON
Ooo! Is that room service? Because this brie did not travel well.
GREEN LAMA
Come in.
MARY
Oh, Mr. Dumont, thank heavens I found you in.
GREEN LAMA
What’s wrong, Miss Carter?
MARY
It’s Mr. Herman. I think you better come at once. Why is Miss Standish here?
GREEN LAMA
There are some questions even the universe can not answer.
MADISON
You want some brie?
GREEN LAMA
Miss Carter, what’s happened to Herman?
MARY
Right after you left tonight he began to get in a rage over this business of the dinosaur. The studio spent so much money on his feature.
MADISON
Spare no expense.
MARY
He thinks someone is trying to ruin him, and that the murder of Miss Spear was a personal blow to him.
MADISON
It was a personal blow– to her head.
GREEN LAMA
The loss of a loved one is not to be taken lightly.
MARY
Love? He didn’t love her. It was a business arrangement for both of them.
MADISON
Oh, I am fully onboard with a sham marriage if I can benefit from it. Don’t give the milk away for free or he won’t buy you a villa in the south of France.
MARY
I’ve never seen Mr. Herman act this way.
GREEN LAMA
Where is he now?
MARY
At the studio. He insisted on going over there as soon as the police left. That’s when he went into a rage about being ruined. Oh, I’m afraid, Mr. Dumont!
GREEN LAMA
What are you afraid of, Miss Carter?
MARY
A few minutes ago, he had Sy Martin come to the studio. He was going to fire him. They started fighting violently. Both of them have terrible tempers. And that’s when I got frightened and came for you.
GREEN LAMA
I see. Well, if anything were going to happen, we may be too late.
MADISON
Seriously. Why’d you come all the way over here? Why didn’t you just call? That’s why people call 9-1-1 instead of getting in their cars and driving to the fire station, “Um, excuse me, fireman, can you come to my house? It’s kinda like burning and stuff.”
GREEN LAMA
Then let’s not waste any more time. Madison.
MARY
Oh, thank you, Mr. Dumont. Mr. Herman has always had so much respect for you. I know he’ll listen to you.
GREEN LAMA
Filbert! What are you doing here?
FILBERT
Hey, Mr. Du-mont. Just because you find me bendin’ over in front of your door, don’t mean that I’m stoopin’ to listen at your door.
GREEN LAMA
No? Well, then, what were you doing?
FILBERT
I was… only tyin’ my shoelace. Ya know, before I knocked on your door to see if you wanted me to drive you anywhere else tonight.
MADISON
If you believe that, then I got a tropical island I can sell ya.
MARY
I came by taxi. It would be faster.
GREEN LAMA
All right, Filbert, take us to Triumph Picture Studios and get there fast. Someone’s life may depend on it!
MADISON
Seriously, I do have a tropical island. When the whole Amber Heard thing was goin’ down, Johnny Depp signed his island over to me and I’ve been tryin’ to unload it. I’ll sell cheap.
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
You really think we should be driving with this guy? I mean, he is kinda shady.
GREEN LAMA
Perhaps, but it’s better that he’s with us. It is said that the watched kettle does not boil over.
FILBERT
What you say, there, Mr. Du-mont?
MADISON
If you can figure it out, let me know.
GREEN LAMA
I was reciting a Tibetan proverb.
FILBERT
Yeah, I like proverbs. Like the one that says, “Rolling stones hit a lot of pedestrians.”
MADISON
The Rolling Stones? No, that was Caitlyn Jenner.
FILBERT
Which gate do you want, Mr. Du-mont?
MARY
The Beverly Gates, driver. That’s the private entrance for Mr. Herman.
FILBERT
Yeah, that’s the gates I thought you’d want.
MARY
I hope we’re not too late. They were fighting violently. I heard Mr. Herman accusing Sy of starting the dinosaur stories to ruin him. He wanted to know who was paying Sy, and that made Sy mad. That’s when they started shouting at each other.
GREEN LAMA
Well, Herman was always shouting at people. I really doubt if there’s any reason for you to be frightened.
MARY
I know how he shouts.
MADISON
God, don’t you hate those kinds of bosses? Yelling does not generate productivity. But it does generate murder plots in the break room.
MARY
Murder plots?
MADISON
Don’t worry, I’ve only had maybe four that actually went past the planning stages.
GREEN LAMA
Tell me, Mary, have you worked for Herman long?
MARY
Almost five years.
MADISON
That’s a long time. The longest I’ve ever worked at a place was maybe five months.
GREEN LAMA
That still beats your five hour employment as a cocktail waitress last night.
MADISON
Five hours? I never got my ten minute break!
GREEN LAMA
Mary, I’m surprised you’ve worked for Herman that long. I would think that you’d be an actress yourself.
MARY
Would you believe it, Mr. Dumont, that before I came to work for Mr. Herman, I was a mechanic in an airplane factory?
MADISON
I worked in a factory for a little while. A brewery in Milwaukee. No wait, that was Laverne and Shirley.
GREEN LAMA
Well, many women are fine mechanics.
MADISON
It sounds like a compliment, but it’s really comin’ off like a qualifier.
GREEN LAMA
How did you happen to leave that and come to work for Herman?
MARY
After the war they started cutting down.
MADISON
Back to the kitchen, Rosie the Riveter!
MARY
Something like that. Anyway, I had done some acting and thought if I had a job like this, maybe I could get to acting in pictures again. But I lost my ambition after I worked for Mr. Herman for a while.
FILBERT
Here we are, Mr. Du-mont, but it looks like it’s locked up. You got a key for them gates, Miss?
MARY
No, I left the gate unlocked when I came out. If you go ahead in low gear, your bumpers will nudge them open.
FILBERT
Okay.
MADISON
I tried pushing the gates open in one of those “monthly visitors” lanes in a parking garage because the line was shorter. Front end damage, lawsuits, fines, I just went back to parking in bus zones.
MARY
(scream)s
MADISON
Again, I am right next to you!
GREEN LAMA
Get down! Mary, are you all right?
MARY
I… guess so.
GREEN LAMA
Madison?
MADISON
If I was six inches taller, I’da had fatal part in hair! And probably be a top draft pick for the WNBA.
GREEN LAMA
Driver, stop the car!
FILBERT
Yeah, I guess it’s safe now.
GREEN LAMA
That was fast thinking, Filbert. Too fast. If I could’ve jumped out of the car, I might’ve gotten whoever was shooting at us.
FILBERT
Mr. Du-mont, when somebody starts shootin’ at me, I don’t do any heavy, thinkin’ until I get away.
MADISON
He knows what it’s like to drive in L.A.
MARY
Why should Sy– why should anyone try to kill us?
GREEN LAMA
Why did you think of Sy Martin in connection to the shooting, Mary?
MARY
Well, I don’t know. I guess maybe because I knew he was here. Why would anyone want to shoot us?
GREEN LAMA
We certainly haven’t done anything to merit that attention, but perhaps someone is afraid we will do something.
MADISON
It’s like when they inspect your bags at a concert venue. I haven’t been seen drinking outside liquor, but they’ve met my type before.
MARY
There’s the producers’ building. We can walk right over.
GREEN LAMA
Good. Filbert, you should stay here.
FILBERT
Hey, look at them bullet holes in the top of my car!
GREEN LAMA
Four of them, each one on the same level and almost equal distance apart. If they were aimed lower, such a steady hand couldn’t have missed.
MADISON
So whoever was shooting at us has the potential to murder innocent people, if they’d just, what? Apply themselves?
SCENE SIX
MARY
Mr. Herman’s suite of offices is just down this hall.
GREEN LAMA
It’s a shame about the damage to Filbert’s car.
MADISON
I got rear ended on a run while I was working for NBC. Five hundred dollars worth of damage, and all they’d pay me was my milage. Meanwhile, the cast of Friends goes home with a million dollars an episode. N-B-C.
GREEN LAMA
Certainly the studio will issue Filbert another car.
MARY
Why would the studio do that?
GREEN LAMA
Doesn’t he work for Herman?
MARY
Of course not. Oh, here we are. Looks like someone’s turned off the lights in the reception room. I’ll get them.
MADISON
This office reminds me of when I was an assistant to an agent. She’d get pissed off at her clients and throw things at me like staplers or tape dispensers. I was fired for stealing office supplies, but I was really just trying to limit her ammunition.
MARY
I hope we’re not too late.
GREEN LAMA
Listen.
HERMAN
I’ll make sure you never get another job in Hollywood as long as you live!
MADISON
That’s what the agent said to me while I was dodging a three-hole punch.
MARY
Oh, thank heaven he’s all right. But they’re still fighting.
SY
You’re nothing but an empty threat, Herman!
HERMAN
Maybe this’ll teach you not to try and ruin Herman K. Herman!
SY
You don’t have the nerve!
MARY
(scream)
MADISON
Seriously! Can you please scream in somebody else’s ear?!
GREEN LAMA
We’ve got to get this door open!
MARY
He locked it from the inside!
GREEN LAMA
Stand back!
MARY
Oh, no! Herman’s laying on the floor!
MADISON
And that’s not Hollywood blood. That’s blood-blood.
GREEN LAMA
Madison, look out the window. See if you can spot the killer.
MARY
It was Sy! You heard him! Oh… is… Mr. Herman…
GREEN LAMA
Yes, he’s dead. I’m sorry, Mary.
MARY
If we’d only gotten here a minute sooner!
MADISON
I can’t see anyone from the window, but the street’s pretty dark. Gotta wait a few decades for the L.A. light pollution to kick in.
GREEN LAMA
Just a minute. What’s that pleasant odor in the room?
MADISON
I’m gettin’ dead dude and… oh! A hint of honeysuckle.
MARY
We always spray sweet air in here. Mr. Herman couldn’t stand to have the room filled with smoke during conferences.
MADISON
Then how ’bout — crazy idea — don’t smoke inside?
GREEN LAMA
Interesting.
MADISON
It’s revolutionary, I know, but stopping your employees from dying of secondhand smoke can benefit your workforce retention.
GREEN LAMA
That’s not what I was thinking about.
MADISON
Very few companies do think about employee comfort as a valuable initiative in the workplace.
GREEN LAMA
I mean, we heard two shots, but that’s not what killed him. He was killed by a very heavy blow on the head.
MARY
The dinosaur?
MADISON
The dinosaur? The dinosaur? Girl, how much were you drinking at that party tonight that you think a dinosaur came into this inner office and killed Herman?
MARY
I just thought… with Gloria…
GREEN LAMA
It’s been a difficult evening for you, Mary, and we don’t know exactly what happened here.
MADISON
So we’re still keeping “dinosaur” on the table? When you were meditating, was that actually incense?
GREEN LAMA
What we do know, is this was a deliberate murder.
SY
Well, this looks like a cozy little clambake.
MARY
Sy! Mr. Dumont, here’s Sy Martin now!
SY
To what does Triumph Pictures owe such a late hour visit from the Green Lama?
MADISON
What are you doing back here after you were fired?
SY
Didn’t you stay for another three hours at Herman’s party after you were fired? And steal an entire cheese platter?
MADISON
That was my severance package.
GREEN LAMA
What are you doing here, Martin?
SY
I work here. I still consider myself an employee even if I was fired. I’ve been fired from here ten times and the next day it’s forgotten. Hey, what’s with Herman?
MARY
Don’t you know?
SY
How could I? Don’t tell me that dinosaur I was supposed to have invented came along and stepped on him.
MARY
Oh, I can’t take another minute of this! Excuse me!
SY
Say, what’s with Mary?
MADISON
Dude, you’re as inappropriate as Kanye West at a Bar Mitzvah.
GREEN LAMA
It’s not a joking matter, Mr. Martin. Herman K. Herman has just been murdered.
SY
Murdered?
MADISON
Nice surprise face. I believe that as much as I believe Kanye’s apology.
SY
Hey, what are you trying to do, frame me? I left Herman an hour ago. I was coming back here to see if he’d cooled off.
GREEN LAMA
Martin, do you know your way around this lot?
SY
Like the inside of my own hat.
MADISON
That just means you’re familiar with dandruff and sweat stains.
GREEN LAMA
All right, come on. We’ll look around. Maybe the killer is still on the grounds — if he didn’t double back here to the office.
SY
I don’t like that crack.
GREEN LAMA
Martin, you’re in a tough spot. You better cooperate.
SY
Fine, let’s go.
MADISON
I’m sorry, hi. We’re going to walk around the dark studio lot with a myriad of hiding places looking for a killer who already shot at our car and bludgeoned Herman to death?
GREEN LAMA
Yes.
MADISON
Do we get to ride in one of those golf carts?
SCENE SEVEN
GREEN LAMA
And what’s this set, Martin?
SY
This is where they’ve been shooting “The Last Dinosaur.” They built the set here because it was cheaper than going out on location.
MADISON
Wait, have you not finished principal photography? If you need someone to fill in for Gloria, I’m available! Of course, I’ll need a honey wagon stocked with honeydew.
GREEN LAMA
Honeydew?
MADISON
That’s my eccentric celebrity ask.
SY
Honestly, I don’t know what’s going to happen to the film now that Herman’s gone. Oh, and would you look at this. Someone’s already parked in Herman’s parking spot.
MADISON
He has two parking spots?
SY
Sure. One near the producers’ building and one near the set.
MADISON
All I want is to be important enough to have a parking space with my name on it. Where I can get violator’s cars towed and destroyed.
SY
Uh… no one’s cars get destroyed.
MADISON
Oh, I’m a tyrant.
GREEN LAMA
That’s our car. But where’s Filbert? He was supposed to be waiting for us.
MADISON
Went to pee?
GREEN LAMA
Perhaps. Tell me something, Martin, I’m curious as to the story of “The Last Dinosaur.” What is it?
SY
Well, it’s kind of a fantasy about a dinosaur coming out of the La Brea Tar Pits here in modern times. You know the tar pits are filled with the bones of prehistoric animals, and the idea was that one of them had remained alive down there.
MADISON
My favorite part of dinosaur movies is the horrible science and that audiences are like, “sure I buy that” because all they really want is to see dinosaurs.
GREEN LAMA
For the dinosaur, did they use a small scale model?
MADISON
Um… does that answer your question?
SY
The dinosaur!
GREEN LAMA
Yes, I do believe that is our missing dinosaur.
MADISON
So… It’s coming right at us. Uh, at this juncture, I’d recommend we proceed with the traditional terrified scream followed by run- for-your-life maneuvers.
SY
We’ve got to do something! I don’t want to be crushed!
GREEN LAMA
I suggest we try something better than running. “Om mani padme hum…”
MADISON
Meditation?! Now?! Why don’t you offer it avocado toast, ya yoga hipster?!
GREEN LAMA
“The Green Lama strikes for Justice!”
MADISON
Oh! That’s where the green Robin Hood outfit comes in. Whoa! That thing came down like an AT-AT walker!
SY
I’ve never seen anything like it! A guy tackles a beast as big as a house and knocks it right on its kisser!
MADISON
Yeah. Suck it, Chris Pratt.
SY
What a sensational idea for the ending the picture! A fight between the dinosaur and the Green Lama!
MADISON
So I guess lamas aren’t pacifists?
SY
Sensational! Are you all right, Mr. Dumont?
GREEN LAMA
Yes, I’m well. Our dinosaur is quite a bit of machinery. Very ingenious.
MADISON
Not that ingenious. Those animatronic muppets from the “Dinosaur!” TV show were better than that. “I’m the baby, gotta love me!” God, why did anyone watch that show?
SY
You seemed scared enough.
MADISON
I wasn’t scared because it was a real dinosaur. I was scared of the inevitable lack of safety features in a 1940’s robot.
GREEN LAMA
All I had to do was throw myself against one of the legs so it would go off balance and fall.
MADISON
Yeah, see, that’s a safety concern.
GREEN LAMA
There must be a door to it somewhere.
SY
Oh, yeah, it’s in the stomach of the dinosaur. That much I know. But I never thought of somebody using this thing. I thought the reports were all a hallucination.
GREEN LAMA
Ah, here’s the door.
MADISON
Dude! It’s Mary!
GREEN LAMA
Slightly unconscious from the fall, but she looks as if she’ll recover. Mary Carter, the murderer of Gloria Spear and Herman K. Herman.
SY
There’s somebody else in there with her!
GREEN LAMA
The missing driver, Filbert Jones, bound and gagged.
MADISON
Was this some sorta kinky sex thing? I’ve never done it in a dinosaur. Unless bones count? Because there was this time at the Natural History Museum…
GREEN LAMA
Just a minute, Filbert, I’ll loosen the bonds.
MADISON
Amateur. I got this.
FILBERT
That dame, she’s nuts!
MADISON
Oh, so it was her idea. Girl after my own heart.
FILBERT
She was gonna end her and me both in one big smash in this mechanical overgrown lizard! That dame, she’s been seein’ too many movies!
MADISON
Well, ya know, porn can be used to spark ideas.
GREEN LAMA
At least we have our murderer.
MADISON
Hey, Sy, you think the studio would let me borrow this thing? I’ll hose it out afterwards.
SCENE EIGHT
GREEN LAMA
Madison, what are you doing out here by the hotel swimming pool?
MADISON
Why, are you afraid a giant dinosaur is gonna drown me?
GREEN LAMA
I’m more worried about the room key of mine you stole from my nightstand.
MADISON
I didn’t want to get locked out.
GREEN LAMA
Well, now that the case is solved and Mary Carter has confessed, I’m going back to New York.
MADISON
Have a nice trip.
GREEN LAMA
So I’m checking out. Which means I need my room key back.
MADISON
Uh… you never told me how you figured out it was Mary.
GREEN LAMA
I really don’t have time–
MADISON
Come on! Sit down. Soak up some California sun before you go back to gloomy ol’ New York.
WAITER
Miss, your salad will be ready shortly. Would you like a refill of your cocktail?
MADISON
Yes, thank you.
WAITER
Charge it to your room?
GREEN LAMA
To the room?
MADISON
Please. You want anything, Lama?
GREEN LAMA
No, thank you.
MADISON
That’s it then. And don’t forget to give yourself a nice big tip.
WAITER
Thank you, miss.
GREEN LAMA
Well, I’m glad you’re enjoying my vacation.
MADISON
Come on, pull up a cabana chair. How’d you know it was Mary?
GREEN LAMA
Fine. I thought of Mary when Gloria Spear was killed. Mary was the one who made sure we saw the dinosaur footprints by the swimming pool before they evaporated by screaming and pointing to them.
MADISON
Oh, yeah. The scream. My pierced eardrums remember it well.
GREEN LAMA
Mary was the only person who could’ve easily made the prints.
MADISON
How ya figure that?
GREEN LAMA
Remember, as a publicity stunt, Herman had given her a bag made of “genuine, imitation dinosaur hide.” It had a large dinosaur footprint on the side.
MADISON
Aw, man! I never did get my swag. And most of the cheese melted in my pockets.
GREEN LAMA
That explains the dry cleaning bill I received from the hotel.
MADISON
You try getting camembert outta sequins.
GREEN LAMA
All right, I’m leaving.
MADISON
No, wait! Uh… Do you know why Mary did it? Come on, what’s the M.O.?
GREEN LAMA
She was in love with Herman, as she revealed in her attitude towards Gloria Spear and the marriage.
MADISON
But if she loved him, why would she kill him? Hang on, I think I can answer my own question. She tried to kill us with a giant mechanical dinosaur. She wasn’t only on the crazy train, she was the conductor.
GREEN LAMA
I think Herman guessed she killed Gloria, so she had to kill him even though she loved him.
WAITER
Here’s your salad, miss.
MADISON
But how’d she pull that off when we were all together in the hall when it happened?
GREEN LAMA
You see, with Mary’s background as a mechanic–
WAITER
Would you like fresh pepper?
MADISON
Oh, yes, thank you.
GREEN LAMA
She made a wire recording–
MADISON
And I still haven’t gotten that refill.
GREEN LAMA
While Herman was arguing with Sy Martin–
WAITER
My apologies. I will get that for you right away.
MADISON
Thank you.
GREEN LAMA
And then dubbed in the gunshots.
MADISON
What are you talking about?
GREEN LAMA
You’re not paying attention.
MADISON
Sure, I am. Dammit! I meant to ask for extra dressing.
GREEN LAMA
Mary killed Herman, put the recording on the machine in his office and connected it with the light switch. When she turned on the light, it started the recording that we all heard in the hallway.
MADISON
Really?
GREEN LAMA
You’re… you’re talking with your mouth full again.
MADISON
Sorry, Mr. Etiquette. Just tell your story.
GREEN LAMA
I knew it had to be a recording of some kind because when we broke into the office, there was a smell of the deodorant, but none of gunpowder.
FILBERT
But what about those shots at us? Mary was with us in the car.
GREEN LAMA
Filbert? What are you doing here?
FILBERT
Don’t you need a ride to the airport?
GREEN LAMA
But how did you know?
FILBERT
Madison said you were checkin’ out.
GREEN LAMA
So you knew I was checking out?
MADISON
Duh. That’s why I’m running up a tab now while you’re still here.
FILBERT
So how’d that dame shoot up the car when she was in it?
GREEN LAMA
That was just more of her mechanics. You see, she rigged up a gun to be fired when the gates were opened. She deliberately aimed the gun too high. The idea was to draw suspicion away from herself. However, the even pacing of the bullet holes was the tip off.
MADISON
Aimed too high? She didn’t know what kinda car we were gonna arrive in! What if it were a high profile vehicle?! Watch out for high winds and bullets!
GREEN LAMA
That leads me to a question for you, Filbert.
FILBERT
Yeah, what?
GREEN LAMA
If you didn’t work for Herman, how come you showed up to drive me to the party?
FILBERT
Oh, it was nothin’. I drive a limousine for hire and sometimes when I ain’t busy, I go around and drive celebrities, like yourself, for free. My kid’ll get a big kick out of me meetin’ the Green Lama.
MADISON
Ooo! If you drive celebrities around for free, can you drive me?
FILBERT
You ain’t no celebrity.
MADISON
It’s not for lack of trying.
GREEN LAMA
Come along, Filbert, I have a plane to catch. Madison, I’m cutting you off.
MADISON
That’s not very zen of you.
GREEN LAMA
Well, I’d rather choose a life of poverty than have it thrust upon me– by your hotel bill.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Green Lama” first appeared in 1940 in “Double Detective Magazine” meant to be a direct competitor to “The Shadow” which premiered a decade earlier in “Detective Story Magazine.” The CBS radio series ran for only eleven episodes, from June to August of 1949. However, the character has been known to pop up in various other media such as pulp stories and comics, including web comics in recent years. The Buddhism in the story is a muddied combination of many elements of the diverse religion, but one theme from the original stories stands out today. The Green Lama turns to crime fighting to help people when he realizes Americans weren’t ready
to accept spiritual teachings.