MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE LONE RANGER: HELP WANTED”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MARCH 2023
SCENE ONE
LONE RANGER
Hi-ho, Silver!
NARRATOR
A fiery horse with a speed of light, a cloud of dust and a hearty “Hi-ho, Silver!” The Lone Ranger! With his faithful Indian companion, Tonto, the daring and resourceful, masked rider form the plains lead the fight for law and order in the early western United States. Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. From out of the past come the thundering hoof beats of the great horse, Silver, the Lone Ranger rides again!
LONE RANGER
Hi-ho, Silver! Let’s go, big fella! Hi-ho, Silver, away!
NARRATOR
The little town of Cottonwood was booming ever since an eastern land company had decided to build a dam on Snake River a few months ago. Hundreds of working men were making Cottonwood their new home. Consequently, the daily arrival of a stagecoach loaded with passengers was no novelty.
STAGE COACH DRIVER
Cottonwood. This is Cottonwood. Everybody out.
MAN #1
Where is the land office where they do the hirin’?
MAN #2
I wonder what kind of wages that job is payin’.
NARRATOR
The last two people to step from the coach asked no questions. Fletcher Cobb was short, heavyset with a round moon-like face that was creased with a perpetual smile.
COBB
Well, well. Cottonwood is a thriving little communal. I’m pleasantly surprised.
NARRATOR
In contrast, Cobb’s companion was a petite blonde who surveyed her surroundings with contempt. She struggled against her many petticoats as if they had a personal vendetta against her.
MADISON
Why do I have to have so many damn skirts! Ah! Well, great. You’re gonna have to pick my bag up for me, because with this corset, I can’t bend at the waist.
COBB
Yes. And with that corset you needed two seats on the train, you haven’t lifted your own bag since St. Louis, and you insisted it made you more sensitive to whistling.
MADISON
Oh, like, everybody on that stagecoach didn’t secretly thank me for shuttin’ down that whistling dude.
COBB
He was a mute. That’s how he communicated.
MADISON
He was annoying.
COBB
Well, we’re here now, and it’s better than I could’ve imagined.
MADISON
I was imaging Branson, Missouri, and this place still manages to fall short.
COBB
The town is booming, Madison. Everybody’s working at the big dam over by Snake River.
MADISON
I think the Brady Bunch got lost here on their way to the Grand Canyon.
COBB
Don’t you realize that big construction projects mean big payrolls, and big payrolls mean money in the bank. You see those handbills they got plastered on every post? Look here.
MADISON
I really don’t care. I only came because my intel told me the Lone Ranger was last seen around this area.
COBB
Oh, yes. That “masked man” you keep talking about. Now, look what this handbill says: “The Empire Construction Company has hundreds of good jobs for carpenters, stonemasons and mule skinners.”
MADISON
Mule what?! They’re skinning freakin’ Eeyore? Tigger realized he’d crossed a line, but there was no bouncing back.
COBB
It says they pay high salaries, and that’s what most interests me. C’mon. Our next step is to find Jeff Nichols’ store.
MADISON
It’s right there, next to the bank.
COBB
Why, that sure is the bank. Smack right up against Nichols’ Mercantile– and the only bank in town. Let’s, uh, go say hi to my old friend, Jeff Nichols.
MADISON
I know I said I’d assist you, but how long is this gonna take?
COBB
What’s with you and that masked man? He run out on you or something?
MADISON
As if. So not my type. The cast of “Young Guns,” tho… Mmmm. I’d like to get every one of those cowboys in my hoosegow.
COBB
Then why are you trying to track him down?
MADISON
I’m here to emancipate Tonto from his horrible stereotype.
COBB
Uh-huh. Well, you still gotta job to do for me, first. After all, the money I spent on that stagecoach ticket for you wasn’t chicken feed.
MADISON
I don’t know what you people use for currency in the Old West. But chicken feed sounds more reliable than Bitcoin.
COBB
My, my. This is certainly a well stocked establishment, I must say. Canned goods, dry goods, farm implements, clothing…
MADISON
Yeah, it’s a regular Old West Walmart. They just need a giant woman wearing a Confederate flag tube top dragging around a four year-old in a mullet who looks like he shaves.
COBB
Madison, notice those ax handles over there in the corner, stacked alongside the picks and shovels?
MADISON
I was more noticing the lack of a feminine hygiene aisle.
COBB
Remember those ax handles. Yessir. I couldn’t have arranged things any better if I’d done it myself. I wonder where the proprietor is.
MADISON
If he’s like me when I work register, he’s hiding in the break room hoping the customers will just get tired of waiting and leave.
COBB
Hmmm. A whole stack of those handbills on the counter. Evidently the Empire Construction Company believes in widespread advertising.
MADISON
That’s 1800’s spam, is what that is.
JEFF
Afternoon, folks. I was in the back in the storeroom, sacking some spuds. I guess I didn’t hear you come in. What can I do for ya?
COBB
Several things, Mr. Nichols.
MADISON
Whatdaya got along the lines of ladies’ undergarments? I’m not doing a whole episode in this corset. I think I gotta get a few ribs removed for this stupid thing to fit comfortably.
JEFF
Yeah, um, I’m afraid you’re the first lady to come to Cottonwood. What, with it all bein’ men workin’ up at the Snake River dam.
COBB
Madison, I’m trying to speak to Mr. Nichols. Why don’t you go occupy yourself by looking at the canned goods? Hmm?
MADISON
Mmmm. Farm to can. Tasty.
JEFF
Well, you know my name, guess I oughta know you. But I can’t seem to place–
COBB
Don’t tell me you don’t remember your old friend, Fletcher Cobb?
JEFF
Fletch… Fletcher Cobb… What… uh… what are you doing here in Cottonwood? I thought you were… well…
COBB
Still a houseguest of the law in that eastern penitentiary?
JEFF
Yeah.
COBB
No, no. That’s ancient history, Jeff. I was paroled about a year after you got out.
JEFF
I wasn’t paroled, I was released. I completed my sentence and became an–
COBB
–An honest upright citizen. Came out west and founded a business.
JEFF
Anything wrong with that?
COBB
No, of course not. When I heard about your store here in Cottonwood, I was gratified. Pleased. I congratulate you, Jeff.
JEFF
Listen, you and that lady-friend of yours better get outta here.
MADISON
Okay, that is a hazard.
COBB
All right, Jeff. This is a colt 45 nudging your ribs.
JEFF
I– what do you want?
COBB
Oh, not much. Just a slight favor.
MADISON
You don’t carry bras but you got canned oysters?
JEFF
I’ve got friends in this town. Real friends. They know all about my past life, and so does the sheriff.
MADISON
You’re selling an aphrodisiac in a town full of only men? Is this Cottonwood or Old-West Hollywood?
COBB
I believe you deliver supplies to the construction camp up at the dam, don’t you?
JEFF
I drive my wagon up there once or twice a week.
COBB
Splendid, splendid. And, I, uh, noticed that your storeroom is right next to the bank. Madison and I would like to rent that storeroom for a few days.
MADISON
Why would we rent a storeroom? Are you cheaping out on getting us a hotel room? Like my ex who wanted to go camping at the beach. He said he thought it would be romantic. Yeah, ya know what’s romantic? Sleeping in a room with walls that weren’t made by the same company that puts out beer coolers.
JEFF
Rent my storeroom? What do you want it for…? Oh, I see. Well, the answer is no, you sneakin’ coyotes! Think that I’m gonna help you?
COBB
Oh, it seems you have a customer, Jeff. You’ll walk up there and wait on that customer, but me and my 45 will be walking right next to you. Understand?
JEFF
Yeah, Fletch.
MADISON
Are we holding up the store or something?
COBB
No, of course not.
MADISON
I mean, I don’t mind being an outlaw, they’re always so hot and sexy. I’d just like some advanced warning. It affects my wardrobe choices.
JEFF
It, uh, looks like it’s an Injun.
MADISON
An engine? Whatdaya mean? Like, a car engine? You don’t have cars yet. Or at least you better not after I just spent three days in that sweatbox of a stagecoach.
JEFF
Um, hello there, Injun.
MADISON
It’s Tonto! Oh, dude! You meant like, not a car engine an, Indi– Native Ameri– Oh, this– this is why I’m here!
JEFF
What can I do for ya?
TONTO
Me, Tonto. Me want buy bacon, coffee.
MADISON
You think it’s gonna be bad, but then you hear it in person and you instantly feel guilty for every time you had off for Columbus Day.
JEFF
Bacon and coffee? Why sure, Injun–
MADISON
He told you his name is Tonto! At least call him Tonto!
JEFF
Eh… Tonto. I’ll get it for you right away. Bacon’s back here.
COBB
Why, Mr. Nichols, you might have some trouble finding a stock of bacon. I think I’ll just go along with you to help out.
JEFF
Yeah, all right, then.
MADISON
Okay, dude, Tonto, we gotta getcha outta here.
TONTO
What you mean?
MADISON
This horrible stereotype of Native Americans. It’s gotta be stopped. Come with me if you want to live… free of misrepresentation.
TONTO
You speak in strange tongue.
MADISON
Ohmahgod, look. This is how they wrote you, it’s not your fault. But we can make this right.
JEFF
Well, here’s your bacon, In– Tonto. And a bag of coffee.
TONTO
Money. Pay. There.
COBB
All right, Mr. Nichols, now that you’re finished with one customer, you can take care of us.
TONTO
Mmm. Me go now.
JEFF/MADISON
Wait!
JEFF
Eh… I better wrap that slab of bacon for ya. It’s mighty dusty outside. Here, let me wrap it.
MADISON
Tonto, don’t leave. I can help you!
JEFF
There ya are, Tonto, that’ll keep the dust away.
TONTO
Mmm.
COBB
At last he’s gone.
MADISON
Dammit. This is gonna be harder than I thought.
JEFF
You skunks ain’t gonna get away with this!
COBB
I guess we can’t argue with him. Madison, the ax handle is the only way.
MADISON
What?
COBB
Hand me that ax handle, won’t you?
MADISON
I think the trouble is he’s been written that way for so long, he doesn’t realize something’s wrong.
JEFF
What are you gonna do, Fletch?
COBB
I asked for your cooperation, Jeff, but you insist upon being obstinate. Madison? The ax handle, if you please.
MADISON
Yeah, here. I think I’m gonna have to do something directly about the Lone Ranger. But what?
COBB
Sorry, Jeff.
JEFF
No, Fletch! No!
COBB
Madison, mind the front of the store while I drag him to the back.
MADISON
Yeah, sure, okay. I gotta find some way to get rid of the Lone Ranger. Ooo. Now I do sound like an Old West outlaw! But I’m a good guy, bad guy. Like Doc Holliday. “I’m your Huckleberry.” Mmm. I need a better catch phrase. Preferably one that doesn’t involve fruit.
SCENE TWO
TONTO
Whoa, Scout! Whoa, fella. Whoa, fella!
LONE RANGER
Did you get the supplies, Tonto? I have a fire started and some water boiling for coffee.
TONTO
Me get ’em.
LONE RANGER
Fine. I’ll slice the bacon, you make the coffee.
TONTO
Mmm. Me do it.
LONE RANGER
This seems like… Tonto, come here.
TONTO
Huh? What matter?
LONE RANGER
Where did you buy this bacon?
TONTO
Store in Cottonwood.
LONE RANGER
From Jeff Nichols?
TONTO
Yeah. You think it not good?
LONE RANGER
There’s nothing wrong with the bacon, but look — it’s wrapped in this piece of plain paper, and inside there’s a single strip of newsprint. Possibly torn from a handbill. See, it says, “Help Wanted.”
TONTO
Mmm.
LONE RANGER
“Help Wanted” printed in big black letters. Of course, he might’ve wrapped it in there by accident. Was Jeff alone in the store when you were there, Tonto?
TONTO
No. Other feller there. And woman.
LONE RANGER
A woman? In Cottonwood?
TONTO
Mmm. She make talk all time.
LONE RANGER
What did she talk about?
TONTO
Make no sense. But act like she know Tonto.
LONE RANGER
Did you recognize her?
TONTO
Never see before. Hope never see again.
LONE RANGER
And how did Jeff Nichols act? Scared and nervous?
TONTO
Me not know.
LONE RANGER
Well, it’ll be dark in a few minutes and we can ride into Cottonwood without attracting any attention.
TONTO
Mmm. You think maybe something wrong?
LONE RANGER
I don’t know, Tonto. Honest men like Jeff Nichols don’t usually ask for help unless they need it.
TONTO
And the woman?
LONE RANGER
She’s definitely an odd piece to this puzzle.
TONTO
Mmm. Definite odd.
SCENE THREE
TONTO
Whoa, Scout!
LONE RANGER
Easy, Silver, steady now.
TONTO
Whoa, fella.
LONE RANGER
We’ll leave the horses here, Tonto. Jeff Nichols’ store is just around the corner.
TONTO
Store close now. Not see light.
LONE RANGER
That’s all right. Jeff lives in the little room at the back. You knock on the door. Remember, if anyone but Jeff answers, do exactly as I told you.
TONTO
Mmm.
LONE RANGER
I’ll stand to one side behind you.
MADISON
You gonna get that?
COBB
Go ahead and open the door.
MADISON
You get it. I don’t wanna get up.
COBB
Don’t tell me it has to do with that corset, or I’ll personally remove it!
MADISON
I’d like to see you try with my knee in your crotch!
COBB
Yes, what is it? Oh, you’re the redskin from this afternoon.
MADISON
What did you say?!
TONTO
Me want to see Jeff Nichols.
COBB
Jeff isn’t here.
MADISON
Tonto! I’m so glad you came back!
COBB
You were expecting this redskin?
MADISON
I hope you are referring to a football player from Washington who played prior to 2020. Although “The Commanders”? They phoned that one in.
TONTO
Jeff no here? Where find him?
COBB
He drove up to the construction camp. He won’t be back for several days.
MADISON
Tonto, it’s so great you’re here. Now I can help you get away from that Lone Ranger, dude.
LONE RANGER
Are you referring to me, Miss?
MADISON
Dammit! You brought him with you?
COBB
Masked! It’s a hold up!
LONE RANGER
Not exactly, but tell me, Miss, how did you know who I was?
MADISON
Everybody knows the Lone Ranger. Even if they’ve never heard the radio show, seen the TV series, watched any of the movies or whatever, your character permeates our human consciousness along with the controversial portrayal of Tonto which has been heatedly discussed as sensitivities to the wrongs bestowed upon the Native American community is brought more boldly into light.
TONTO
You see what Tonto mean?
LONE RANGER
Yes. Very odd, indeed.
COBB
If you wanna buy anything, you’ll have to do it in the morning. We’ve closed for the night.
LONE RANGER
We’re not looking to buy anything. We’d like to see Jeff Nichols, the owner of this store.
COBB
He’s not here. I just told the Indian that!
MADISON
His name’s Tonto!
LONE RANGER
That’s all right. We’ll look around.
COBB
Now, wait just a minute! You can’t barge in here!
LONE RANGER
Seems I already have. I need some light. Find a lantern, Tonto.
TONTO
Mmm.
MADISON
Tonto, that’s my point! Native Americans in the Old West didn’t just grunt all the time! They were bilingual! They spoke eloquently!
TONTO
You speak enough for every one.
COBB
Listen, stranger, I am a patient man. Very patient. But I can’t allow an outlaw to force his way in here.
LONE RANGER
A gun, eh? Oh, you’ve made a mistake.
TONTO
Kemosabe!
MADISON
He’s exploiting you!
TONTO
Let go ’em pants!
MADISON
No! You have to come with me!
COBB
All right, masked man, you’ve asked for it!
NARRATOR
The curtain falls, on the first act of our “Lone Ranger” story. Before the next exciting scenes, please permit us to pause for just a few moments.
PROMO BREAK
SCENE FOUR
NARRATOR
Now to continue our story. A fraction of a second after a bullet from Fletcher Cobb’s 45 grazed his cheek, the Lone Ranger’s guns were spitting flame and lead! But in the pitch darkness of an unlighted store, it was hard to aim accurately. And the ear piercing screams of Miss Standish certainly didn’t help.
LONE RANGER
Tonto!
TONTO
Yeah. Me here.
LONE RANGER
They’re down behind the counter, both of them. Watch it!
COBB
My arm! I’ve been shot!
MADISON
Gimme your gun.
COBB
You know how to shoot a gun?
MADISON
Hell, no. But you can’t outshoot the Lone Ranger.
COBB
How do you know? I’ve done a fair amount of shooting in my day.
MADISON
Dude, he’s the lead on the show. The lead is always some sort of unbelievable superhero with a gun. So just give it to me!
LONE RANGER
We’ve got them trapped, Tonto.
MADISON
He’s about to make his move! Give me your damn gun!
COBB
Take it!
MADISON
Help! Help! It’s a hold up!
LONE RANGER
She shot the glass out of the window!
MAN #1
What’s the ruckus?
MAN #2
Nichols’ store! There must be outlaws!
TONTO
Gunfire noise bring plenty people.
LONE RANGER
They’ll all be here in another minute. We’ll have to figure out what happened to Jeff Nichols some other way. Our only chance now is to run for it. Come on!
MAN #1
Look! There’s two of ’em comin’ out the front door!
SHERIFF
Stop ’em, boys! Stop ’em!
COBB
That must be the sheriff out there.
MADISON
Oh! This is perfect!
COBB
Perfect? They shot my arm!
MADISON
I know, isn’t that lucky? Follow my lead.
SHERIFF
Somebody get a light!
MAN #2
Here’s a lantern. I’ll light it.
SHERIFF
Jeff? You in there, Jeff?
MADISON
Help! My husband has been shot!
COBB
Husband?
MADISON
Yeah, you are kinda old for me, but it’s not like I got time to run auditions. Go with it!
SHERIFF
Who’s there?
MADISON
Are you the Sheriff?
SHERIFF
Uh, yes, ma’am, but, eh… Who in tarnation are you? And where’s Jeff?
MADISON
I’m Madison Standish. This is my husband… uh…
COBB
Fletcher.
MADISON
Fletcher? Boy, your mother must not have liked you very much.
SHERIFF
What are you two doing here? Where’s Jeff Nichols?
COBB
Well, Sheriff, he left town late this afternoon. Drove his wagon up to the construction camp to deliver some supplies. My… wife and I are old friends of Jeff. He asked us to watch the store until he gets back.
SHERIFF
Well, I’ll be. And you just got held up, huh?
MADISON
Yes! By a tall outlaw wearing a mask.
SHERIFF
We saw two men runnin’ away.
COBB
There was also an Injun–
MADISON
Cotton gin! The masked outlaw also stole a cotton gin.
SHERIFF
I didn’t realize Jeff sold cotton gins. We don’t even grow cotton in this part of the country.
MADISON
He… is a fan of Eli Whitney. Wow. And I told my history teacher memorizing who invented the cotton gin would never come up in my life… I was so wrong. Can I also interest you in the names of all of the state capitals?
SHERIFF
The coyotes get away with anythin’ else?
MADISON
Just the one “coyote”.
COBB
Why aren’t you telling them about the In–
MADISON
Don’t! I wanna get Tonto away from the Lone Ranger, so I’m trying to pin the whole thing on him. Keep up!
SHERIFF
All right, then. You say it’s a tall critter with a mask, huh? The boys and me will try and trail ’em.
MADISON
Then you are the sheriff here in Cottonwood? I shoulda known! You look so… sheriff-y.
SHERIFF
“Sheriff-y”?
MADISON
In a good way. In the fine tradition of sheriffs like… Rosco P. Coltrane.
SHERIFF
Uh, yep, I’m sheriff. Williams is the name, Frank Williams.
COBB
Glad to know you, Sheriff.
SHERIFF
And you say you’re friends with Jeff? I, uh, don’t recollect Jeff sayin’ anythin’ about deliverin’ supplies to the construction camp.
COBB
Ah!!!
MADISON
Oh, honey, your arm!
COBB
Whatcha punch me for?
MADISON
Sheriff, he needs some… uh, doctorin’.
SHERIFF
A ‘course! I’ll send the doc right over as we head out of town to find that masked outlaw. C’mon, boys! Let’s go!
COBB
Well, that was some fancy thinking on your part. You got the law on our side. Nicely done.
MADISON
This is so perfect! If they arrest the Lone Ranger, Tonto can stop being in his shadow as the loyal sidekick. Ooo! Maybe he could get his own show. And I can be his plucky companion.
COBB
You really see yourself as “plucky?”
MADISON
Oh, honey, I can pluck.
SCENE FIVE
LONE RANGER
Whoa, Silver!
TONTO
Whoa, Scout.
LONE RANGER
Whoa, big fella.
TONTO
You hear posse? Them go other way. We lose ’em.
LONE RANGER
But we still don’t know what became of Jeff Nichols.
TONTO
We go back?
LONE RANGER
No, not tonight, Tonto. I know those two are crooks, but why they’ve taken over Nichols’ store and what they’ve done with Jeff is a puzzle.
TONTO
What we do now?
LONE RANGER
We’ll head for the construction camp at Snake River first thing in the morning. There is a chance Jeff did drive up there to deliver supplies.
TONTO
Mmm.
LONE RANGER
If not, then the answer is here in Cottonwood, and we’ll come back to find it.
TONTO
Mmm.
LONE RANGER
Let’s go.
TONTO
Kemosabe?
LONE RANGER
What is it, Tonto?
TONTO
We ride together long time.
LONE RANGER
Yes, we have.
TONTO
Girl make point. Why I no speak ’em good English by now?
LONE RANGER
Uh… well…
TONTO
I translate all Indian tribes. Many languages.
LONE RANGER
Maybe you have a… uh… better ear for Injun tongues?
TONTO
No use that word.
LONE RANGER
All right. If you don’t want me to.
TONTO
Mmm. Good. Giddyup, Scout!
LONE RANGER
We better be careful, Silver. I fear that girl may have awoken something in Tonto.
SCENE SIX
COBB
Good afternoon, Sheriff.
MADISON
Hey.
SHERIFF
Well, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Standish.
COBB
How did we end up with your last name?
MADISON
Uh, you’re the one who traded up, okay? If I were back home, I’d have to convince everybody you owned Amazon so they’d understand why we were together.
SHERIFF
Glad you dropped in. How’s your arm feelin’, Mr. Standish?
COBB
Oh, fine, fine. Barely a scratch.
MADISON
No thanks to that masked man!
SHERIFF
Oh, yeah. I’m sorry to say it, but, me and the boys didn’t have much luck trailin’ that outlaw who tried to hold up the store.
COBB
It’s too bad, but it isn’t important.
MADISON
Isn’t important? Did you guys even try? I mean, it’s nine a.m.! Why are you sitting around in your office? Why aren’t you out there looking for him?
SHERIFF
Well, uh, the trail ran cold and what with so much wilderness, the chances of findin’ anyone–
COBB
Madison, I’m sure the sheriff and his men did the best they could.
SHERIFF
Thank you for saying so, Mr. Standish.
MADISON
He’s the freakin’ Lone Ranger. Of course a bunch of yokels in this mud hole couldn’t track him. Ooo, I wonder who’d win. The Lone Ranger versus Marshal Dillon. The crossover we didn’t know we wanted.
SHERIFF
Say, did Jeff get back from his trip?
COBB
Not yet, Sheriff, but I heard from him. I got the message early this morning.
SHERIFF
Oh? That so?
COBB
He’s still up at the construction camp. Got a big order for twenty sacks of cement.
MADISON
Hey, Sheriff, can you get Marshal Dillon on the telegraph? Tell him it’s Madison. But if Kitty answers, hang up.
SHERIFF
Uh, ‘fraid you’d have to go to the telegraph office for that, ma’am.
COBB
Don’t mind her, Sheriff. The reason I came to see you was about that cement.
SHERIFF
Yeah, uh, I didn’t know that Jeff had cement in his store.
COBB
Sure, back room was full of it.
MADISON
Sheriff, can I borrow some of your guns? I’m thinkin’ maybe I should form my own posse. He might be the lead in his show, but I’m the lead in my show. So, naturally, I should prevail, right?
COBB
Madison! Put those guns down!
SHERIFF
Uh, what was it about the cement you needed to see me about, Mr. Standish?
COBB
Well, I guess you’ve seen all of those construction company signs around town that say, “Help Wanted”?
SHERIFF
Sure.
MADISON
Ooo, maybe I should do that. One of those “Wanted, Dead or Alive” posters for the Lone Ranger. I can use that money we’re gonna rob from the bank as the reward.
SHERIFF
How’s that?
COBB
Ah, Sheriff, you’ll have to excuse my wife’s humor. You should hear her with the ladies in her sewing circle.
MADISON
You want me to say I needle them and leave them in stitches, right? Well, I’m sorry. I don’t wear last year’s lip color, and I don’t tell last century’s jokes.
COBB
You see, Sheriff, with all the men already working up at the dam, I can’t find anybody to load and deliver Jeff’s cement order.
SHERIFF
That’s too bad, Mr. Standish.
COBB
So, I got to thinking. Maybe you, being an old friend of Jeff’s, would help us out. Haven’t you got a couple of deputies who could load that cement onto a wagon and then deliver it up to the dam?
SHERIFF
Why, sure. I could get two of my deputies, Paul Sutter and Bill Alister. They’ve got strong backs.
COBB
Well, splendid.
MADISON
Oh, sure. You’ve got deputies to spare to lug around bags of cement, but tracking down an outlaw is too hard.
COBB
Madison, nothing more can be done about that outlaw. So how about we end the discussion?
MADISON
Was that old-timey for “shut up”?
COBB
Was I too plain in my suggestion?
MADISON
I’ll show you what you can do with your “suggestion”!
SHERIFF
Uh, I’ll have my deputies hitch up a wagon and come over to the store.
COBB
Madison! Get away from those guns!
MADISON
Wait’ll I find one that’s loaded!
SHERIFF
I could even lend a hand myself if it’ll help!
COBB
Gimme that gun!
MADISON
Try and take it! I’m sorry, Sheriff. That chair did not deserve to die like that.
COBB
Perhaps you should go back to the store.
MADISON
Perhaps. Good day, Sheriff.
SHERIFF
Uh… good day, Mrs. Standish? Well, she sure has spirit. Reminds me of an old dog I used to have. Died a rabies. Maybe you’ll get lucky, huh?
SCENE SEVEN
LONE RANGER
Whoa, Silver!
TONTO
Whoa, Scout.
LONE RANGER
Easy, steady now.
TONTO
We spend all day riding to construction camp and not find old feller.
LONE RANGER
Now we’ll have to try and get inside Jeff’s store. It’s dark, so we won’t be seen. We’ll leave the horses down the street and walk to the back of the store.
TONTO
Or…
LONE RANGER
Or… what, Tonto?
TONTO
Why we always do your plan? Why Tonto no come up with plan?
LONE RANGER
Well… okay. What plan do you suggest?
TONTO
Mmm. Me have no plan. But maybe want be asked from time to time.
LONE RANGER
Yes, of course, Tonto. Any time you have a suggestion, I’m very open to hearing it.
TONTO
Mmm. Good. For now we do your plan. Giddyup, Scout.
LONE RANGER
Giddyup. Maybe I don’t feel like saying “Hi-ho, Silver” this time. Can’t you just move? Hi-ho, Silver, away.
SCENE EIGHT
SHERIFF
Make it lively, boys. Mr. Standish wants the cement delivered tonight.
PAUL
There’s only two more sacks out back there in the storeroom.
BILL
Yep, we’ll be ready to pull out in just a minute, Sheriff.
COBB
Sheriff, I don’t know how to thank you and your men for all of this help.
SHERIFF
Well, don’t mention it, Mr. Standish. Maybe I sorta feel beholden to you for not catchin’ that outlaw last night.
MADISON
Ya think?
COBB
Yes, but what you’re doing is much more help than catching an outlaw.
MADISON
Yeah, you should just close the Sheriff’s office and become a day-laborer outside a Home Depot.
COBB
Madison, we don’t want this sheriff catching outlaws. Last I checked, that’s what we are.
MADISON
“I’m your cauliflower.”
COBB
What?
MADISON
Dude, all I can think of is food for that.
COBB
Say, Sheriff, if you won’t let me pay you and your men anything, the least you can do is let me buy you a drink. What do you say?
SHERIFF
Sure! No harm in that.
PAUL
Sounds good to me!
BILL
Me, too!
MADISON
Yeah, let’s get wasted!
COBB
Uh, Madison, don’t you think you should close up the storeroom? Hate to see another outlaw break in there. Why, what would Jeff say?
MADISON
Aw, c’mon! My tank’s on empty and this Old West whiskey could get an alcoholic drunk just by smelling it.
COBB
There were some things you wanted to get done before it got too late.
MADISON
Why don’t you do them and I go to the saloon?
COBB
Because this was the only thing I asked you to do. Or did you have another way to pay for your passage to Cottonwood?
SHERIFF
You make your own wife pay for her travel?
MADISON
Yeah, honey. You need to take care of your helpless little woman.
SHERIFF
Maybe there’s something I could help you with, Mrs. Standish?
COBB
No, no! Sheriff, with all the work you and your deputies have done, you should really relax with a drink. Madison will be all right. Won’t you, darling?
MADISON
Yes. At least bring me a doggie bag.
COBB
Let’s go over to the Palace Café.
MADISON
All this so I can help Tonto and he doesn’t even want my help! Oh, no. Am I being a white savior? I didn’t mean to. I just thought I was in the unique position to give help to a fellow human being– Dammit! I’ll have to figure it out later. Now I gotta go rob this bank.
LONE RANGER
They’ve all left. This is our chance, Tonto. Help me lift the window.
TONTO
Me go with you.
LONE RANGER
No, Tonto, you stay here and watch. Warn me when you hear the sheriff and those men coming back.
TONTO
Why you no stay and watch? Why Tonto not go inside?
LONE RANGER
Well, I, um… had a hunch I was going to check out. So, you know, rather than explain it all…
TONTO
Mmm.
LONE RANGER
I’ll be… um… right back.
TONTO
Mmm. Guess Tonto just watch dog.
MADISON
Of course he left the keys in the stupid wagon. Got me walking all back and forth and– Tonto!
TONTO
Madison.
MADISON
What are you doing here? Is the Lone Ranger around?
TONTO
Mmm. He inside store.
MADISON
He is? Now’s our chance! Let’s get you outta here. You can create your own adventures and I’ll be your plucky sidekick!
TONTO
Plucky?
MADISON
Why does no one think I could be plucky?
TONTO
Tonto no leave. Must help Kemosabe.
MADISON
But aren’t you tired of always being in his shadow? A two dimensional representation of a great people?
TONTO
You strange woman.
MADISON
You’re not the first to tell me that.
LONE RANGER
Tonto?
TONTO
Kemosabe return.
MADISON
I’m gonna hide over here and listen. Don’t tell him where I am!
TONTO
Me not sure you no crook.
MADISON
Oh, come on. We’ve all stolen a French fry from work, run a stop sign when the street was empty, shoplifted a Gucci bag from Bloomingdale’s and pinned it on our grandmother’s dementia.
TONTO
Mmm.
MADISON
I’ll take that as a, “yes.” Thanks, Tonto!
LONE RANGER
No sign of those men?
TONTO
No. You find out about old feller?
LONE RANGER
I discovered several things in that storeroom, but there wasn’t time to reach Jeff Nichols. But I’m sure he’s still alive.
TONTO
That good.
LONE RANGER
There isn’t time to explain it all now, but I’ll tell you what we’re going to do.
TONTO
We go somewhere else and you tell me. In case someone hear.
LONE RANGER
No one’s going to hear us. And it’s better if we stay right here. That way I can see if the sheriff and his men are coming back.
TONTO
But Tonto think we can still see men if we move over there.
LONE RANGER
Tonto, please. I’m trying to explain my plan.
TONTO
Mmm. Like talking to masked rock.
SCENE NINE
PAUL
Thanks for the drink, Mr. Standish.
BILL
We’ll deliver this shipment of cement to the construction camp before midnight.
COBB
Happy to do it, boys. Good luck and good night!
SHERIFF
Hold on, fellas. I might as well ride as far as my office with ya. See you tomorrow, Mr. Standish.
COBB
Night, Sheriff! But you better not hold your breath until you see me again. You dumb tin star yokel. Now, Madison better have done her end of the job.
LONE RANGER
All right, Tonto, I’ll go through the rear window in Jeff’s store. Do exactly as I told you.
TONTO
You can always count on me, Kemosabe.
LONE RANGER
I know. That’s what makes you such a great friend.
MADISON
Oh, this is too perfect. Okay, here’s a rock. Give him a couple minutes to get in there, then throw it.
TONTO
Mmm. Tonto not sure about this.
MADISON
Dude, listen to yourself. “Tonto not sure.” You’re referring to yourself in the third person. He’s never corrected you because it makes him sound superior and you ignorant.
TONTO
You not know what Tonto meant when me said that?
MADISON
I know what you meant, but you sound… ya know…
TONTO
Ignorant? All people who no speak English good sound ignorant to you?
MADISON
Hey, no, that’s not what I meant. I’m on your side!
TONTO
Why there need be sides?
MAN #1
Hey, what’s goin’ on? That sounded like it come from the bank.
MAN #2
Someone’s trying to break into the bank! Help, bank robbers!
MADISON
All right, here they come.
TONTO
And here go Tonto.
MADISON
Where go Tonto? No! What’re ya doing? We gotta hide around the corner!
TONTO
That not Kemosabe’s plan.
MADISON
I know! It’s Madison’s plan.
TONTO
Madison not Kemosabe. Not faithful friend to Tonto.
Man #2
Look! That Indian is climbing through the bank window!
MAN #1
Bank robbers!
MAN #2
Stop ‘im, Sheriff!
SHERIFF
I’ll get ‘im!
MADISON
Oh, crap.
SHERIFF
Mrs. Standish. What’re you doin’ here?
MADISON
Realizing I can’t change the past. All I can do is learn from it and promise to do better in the future.
SHERIFF
Uh… all right, then. But you should find a safe place. There’s a bank robbery goin’ on.
MADISON
I know.
SHERIFF
You know?
MAN #1
Look out, Sheriff! He’s inside there now.
MAN #2
He’s a cinch to have a gun!
SHERIFF
So have I! I’m goin’ in after that coyote! Any of you wanna back me up? Come on!
MADISON
Well, I guess all I can do now is make sure Barney Fife doesn’t shoot the wrong guy.
MAN #1
There he is! Standing over there!
SHERIFF
Reach, Injun! Get your hands up before I fill ya full of lead.
TONTO
Wait! You wait and you catch real crook plenty soon.
SHERIFF
You’re real enough for me.
MAN #2
Get ’em, Sheriff!
MADISON
Everybody shut the hell up! Angry mobs are so annoying.
SHERIFF
Mrs. Standish! Get outta here before you get hurt!
MADISON
Tonto is not the bank robber.
SHERIFF
He just broke into the bank. He’s standin’ right there! And he’s not the bank robber?
TONTO
Wait! Listen! You hear noise?
MADISON
Shut up! Save your mob mentality for the next Trump rally.
TONTO
It come from underneath floor.
SHERIFF
What’s underneath what?
MAN #1
There is something goin’ on, Sheriff.
MAN #2
It’s under the floor!
SHERIFF
Stand back, boys. Let’s see what this is all about.
COBB
Ah-ha! It worked! I’ve broken through the floor! It’ll be a cinch now!
SHERIFF
Well, I’ll be. It’s Mr. Standish.
MADISON
Mr. Cobb, actually. We’re not married. I’ll admit, I have a thing for bad boys, but young, hot bad boys. For dudes his age, they gotta own the bank, not be robbin’ it.
COBB
What’s going on? Sheriff?
SHERIFF
That’s right, waitin’ for you. Put up your hands.
COBB
You’re not catchin’ me, Sheriff!
MAN #1
He’s goin’ back down in the hole!
MAN #2
Stop ‘im, Sheriff!
COBB
That masked man! He’s back there in the storeroom!
SHERIFF
I warned you!
COBB
Stop! Stop! I’m coming through!
SHERIFF
Newfangled bank robber, huh? Comin’ up through the floor. How did you get down there?
JEFF
They tunneled through from my storeroom!
SHERIFF
Jeff Nichols! How in tarnation?! I thought you were deliverin’ supplies up at the construction camp.
JEFF
I’ve been bound and gagged, lyin’ down there in that tunnel they dug ever since yesterday afternoon.
SHERIFF
Well, I’ll be. Those sacks of cement that the boys loaded into the wagon–
JEFF
That wasn’t cement. Just the way them crooks got rid of the dirt outta the tunnel.
SHERIFF
And I fell for it, by juniper!
JEFF
How did you just happen to be here waitin’ for them?
SHERIFF
The Indian broke the bank window, and then pointed out the noise under the floor. Say, where is the Indian?
MAN #1
I dunno.
MAN #2
I haven’t seen ’em.
SHERIFF
If you were bound and gagged Jeff, how did you get loose and who was doin’ all that shootin’?
JEFF
The answer to both those questions is the same name. The Lone Ranger. I’m so glad you caught both of them crooks.
SHERIFF
Both?
JEFF
Sure. Cobb and that lady friend of his. Uh… Madison. Madison Standish.
MAN #1
She ain’t here, neither, Sheriff.
SHERIFF
How’d she get away?!
MADISON
“I’m your Madison!” Okay, not the best catch phrase. But I’m not exactly riding off into the sunset here.
LONE RANGER
Hi-ho, Silver! Away!
MADISON
Yeah, yeah, we get it. Show off.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Lone Ranger” first hit the airwaves in 1933 on WXYZ in Detroit. Created by the station’s owner, George Trendle, and writer Fran Striker. Trendle is also credited with creating “Challenge of the Yukon” and “The Green Hornet”. The radio show proved to be a success and produced two thousand, nine hundred and fifty-six episodes. Yeah, good luck trying to binge that one. The Lone Ranger would go on to books, comics, television and movies. The character is considered today to be an icon of American culture.