MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE MALTESE FALCON” – THE LUX RADIO THEATER & THE ACADEMY AWARD THEATER

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: DEC 2025

DON’T READ THIS NOW! We’re much funnier when you hear us perform it.

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Ladies and Gentlemen, in honor of the “Madison on the Air” fifth anniversary, we present to you our adaptation of “The Maltese Falcon,” originally featured on radio in “The Lux Radio Theater” and “The Academy Award Theater.” At two o’clock in the morning, the city of San Francisco lies sleeping under a blanket of fog.
Along a lonely street, a man walks slowly, his footsteps ringing hollowly against the wet pavement. He passes a deserted alley and stops. The man turns and peers for a long time into the shadows. Suddenly, one of the shadows moves. The man stumbles backward. His hands reach out to shield his body…

MAN
Ahhh!

EFFIE
No, wait, you can’t just barge in there!

MADISON
I’m here to see Archer.

SPADE
You’re a coupla hours too late for that.

EFFIE
I’m sorry, Mr. Spade, I tried to tell her to wait, but–

SPADE
Effie, why don’t you go answer the telephone, angel?

EFFIE
Of course, Mr. Spade.

SPADE
So, what’s your business with Archer?

MADISON
I just read in the paper that one of the detectives from “Spade and Archer” was gunned down last night.

SPADE
That’s true. But it was Archer, not Spade.

EFFIE
Hello? Spade and Archer Private Detectives.

SPADE
Huh. Guess I’m gonna have to change the name of the place.

MADISON
Archer is dead? Are you sure?

SPADE
Well, last I checked, I’m Sam Spade, so, yeah. Pretty sure.

MADISON
I’ve met Sam Spade. You don’t look anything like Sam Spade.

SPADE
Aw. Then I guess I’m gonna have to change all the labels in my socks.

MADISON
Dammit. I remember hating Sam Spade.

SPADE
I have that affect on people.

MADISON
I thought “Archer” was like, super spy Sterling Archer. I know he’s a selfish womanizer, but that cartoon dude is hot.

SPADE
Ya lost me, angel. Why don’t we revisit the reason you wanted to see Archer?

MADISON
I came here because with Spade dead, I thought there might be a job opening.

SPADE
Already got me a secretary.

EFFIE
Officers! Please! Let me announce you first!

SPADE
Albeit, at times, she can be rather ineffective. Well, good morning, Dundy.

DUNDY
All right, Spade. We wanna speak to ya.

SPADE
Sure, ya do. Hiya, Tom.

POLHAUS
Hello, Sam.

DUNDY
What d’you know about this killing, Spade?

MADISON
Excuse me–

SPADE
Very little.

MADISON
Excuse me?

DUNDY
You don’t seem very broken up over this.

MADISON
Excuse me! It’s amazing how not having a dick turns you invisible.

POLHAUS
Spade, since when did you get two secretaries?

SPADE
She doesn’t work here.

MADISON
But he’s going to hire me as his partner.

SPADE
Partner?

DUNDY
Why don’t you run along, sweetheart, and let the men finish talking.

MADISON
Nice attitude. Goes great with your hair. Did your mommy cut your bangs over the toilet?

DUNDY
Spade, you gonna do something about this dame?

SPADE
Why, yes, I am. I’m gonna hire her.

MADISON
You are?

SPADE
I are.

DUNDY
Now, look, Spade–

SPADE
You don’t like me, do you, Dundy?

DUNDY
I don’t like any cops who aren’t on the force.

SPADE
And you’ll probably dislike me more with a lady partner. So, she’s hired.

MADISON
I’ve been fired out of spite, but never hired out of spite.

POLHAUS
Can we get back to it, Spade? What do you know about Miles Archer gettin’ killed?

SPADE
Well, once again, very little. Your boys called me at ten after two in the A.M. I understand they found a Webley automatic in the alley with one bullet out of it.

DUNDY
Yeah. Was Archer out on a job last night?

SPADE
Well, sure. He was supposed to be tailing a fellow named Floyd Thursby.

DUNDY
Thursby, eh?

MADISON
I think he said, “Thursday.”

DUNDY
No, he didn’t. He said “Thursby.”

MADISON
No, “Thursday” like the day of the week. Ya know like Joe Friday, Wednesday Addams, Hot Fudge Sundae.

DUNDY
“Hot Fudge Sundae?”

MADISON
I couldn’t think of a third one.

DUNDY
Well, Floyd Thursby was shot down in front of his hotel not long after Archer was killed.

SPADE
Busy night for the city coroner.

DUNDY
Now, you wanna tell me where you were tonight, Spade?

SPADE
So, you think I shot Thursby, huh? How did I kill him? I forget.

MADISON
He was shot three times in the back with a .44.

DUNDY
Yeah. And just how did you know that?

MADISON
It was in the newspaper.

SPADE
Apparently under the want ads.

POLHAUS
C’mon, Sam. What’d’ya know about this Thursby guy? We got nothin’ from the hotel ‘cept he’d been there a week.

SPADE
Alone?

POLHAUS
Alone.

SPADE
That right? Huh. Well, did you find out what his game was?

DUNDY
Nope. We thought you could tell us that.

SPADE
I’ve never seen Thursby, dead or alive.

DUNDY
Now, look, Spade. If you did get Thursby, you’ll get a square deal. Don’t know that I’d blame you a lot, the man that killed your partner.

MADISON
You killed the guy who killed your partner? My last manager wouldn’t even stand up for me against the Karen who ate ninety percent of her dessert and then wanted a full refund because she “didn’t really like it.”

DUNDY
C’mon, Spade. I asked you why you were tailing Thursby.

SPADE
I wasn’t. Miles was. For the swell reason that we had a client who was paying good United States money to have him tailed.

DUNDY
Who’s the client?

SPADE
Sorry, I can’t tell you that.

POLHAUS
Be reasonable, Sam. Give us a chance. How can we turn up anything on Miles’ killing if you don’t tell us what you’ve got?

SPADE
When I “got” somethin’, you two will be the first to know. Now, my new partner– eh… What’s your name, sweetheart?

MADISON
Not your “sweetheart” and Madison Standish.

SPADE
“Madison”? Okay, we’ll go with that for now. My new partner, Madison, and I have some things to go over. Effie!

EFFIE
Yes, Mr. Spade?

SPADE
If you would please see these fine officers out.

EFFIE
This way, gentlemen.

DUNDY
We’ll be back, Spade.

SPADE
Then kindly make an appointment with my secretary. Oh, and Tom?

POLHAUS
Yeah, Sam?

SPADE
Close the door on your way out, huh?

MADISON
Oh, wow! This is gonna be so much fun! Is this my desk over here?

SPADE
Put the brakes on there, sister. You serious about bein’ my partner?

MADISON
Yah. I need a job and you need a partner.

SPADE
Maybe I wanna go it alone.

MADISON
Then who will you have witty banter with?

EFFIE
Oh, Mr. Spade? That phone call earlier?

SPADE
Yeah? Who was it?

EFFIE
The, uh… client from yesterday.

SPADE
Miss Wonderly.

EFFIE
Actually she said she goes by Miss LeBlanc. She told you to meet her at the Coronet Apartments, one-oh-one, right away.

SPADE
It’s “Miss LeBlanc” now is it? All right, Madison, if you really wanna be my partner, I’ll fill you in on the drive over.

MADISON
Now? Truth be told, I’m a little hungover.

SPADE
Great. You sound like a P.I. already.

MADISON
Finally I can put drinking on my resume.

SCENE TWO
SPADE
… So, then, yesterday, this slick dame comes to see me.

MADISON
“Slick dame?” Okay, I’ve been in enough detective noir shows now to translate. What you meant is: “woman with a brain who doesn’t hide her intelligence to make men feel smart.”

SPADE
My definition is shorter.

MADISON
Whatever you need to make yourself feel smart.

SPADE
If I may continue… this smart woman gives me a song and dance about her sister and a guy called Floyd Thursby. Says he’s a real dangerous character. She wants Archer and me to get her sister back before her mother and father get in from Hawaii. I think the setup is a bit fishy, but Archer takes the case. He tails Thursby last night. He gets murdered.

MADISON
And then you murdered Thursby.

SPADE
Pay attention, will ya? I’ve never even seen Thursby. And if our friendly neighborhood policemen were correct, Thursby was alone in that hotel.

MADISON
No slick dame’s sister?

SPADE
No slick dame’s sister.

MADISON
So, where are we goin’ now?

SPADE
Slick dame’s apartment.

MADISON
If the “slick dame” starts talking over your head, I’ll translate.

BRIGID
Thank you for coming, Mr. Spade. Oh. Who is this with you?

SPADE
Miss LeBlanc, meet my new partner, Madison Standish. Madison, Miss LeBlanc.

MADISON
How you doin’.

BRIGID
Please, come in, both of you. We can sit here in the parlor.

SPADE
‘Course, I don’t know if I introduced you correctly. Yesterday your name was Wonderly.

BRIGID
My name is really Brigid O’Shaughnessy. I’m… I’m sorry I lied to you.

MADISON
Girl, never be sorry you lied to a man. The only thing you should feel sorry about is getting caught.

SPADE
Qualities I love to hear from my new partner.

BRIGID
But Mr. Archer was killed. Mr. Spade, tell me, am I to blame for last night?

MADISON
Yes.

SPADE
Actually, the way I see it, you warned us that Thursby was dangerous. I wouldn’t say it was your fault.

MADISON
Daymn you’re lucky. I once warned a lady that the skillet for her hot honey chicken and bacon skillet was hot. She grabbed it with her bare hands and then came the lawsuit.

SPADE
Madison, maybe you oughta consider being my silent partner.

MADISON
Was I talking over your head?

BRIGID
Mr. Spade, I did lie. But I am ready to confess to everything.

SPADE
I already didn’t believe that story about your sister.

BRIGID
Oh?

SPADE
You paid too much for someone who was telling the truth.

MADISON
How much she pay you?

SPADE
Two hundred bucks.

MADISON
I might look the other way for two hundred. Would destroy evidence for four. Help bury a body for eight…

SPADE
Nice price list. You offer discounts on holidays?

BRIGID
Oh, help me, Mr. Spade. I need help so badly. I have no right to ask you, but I do ask you. Help me.

SPADE
You won’t need much of anybody’s help. You’re good. Chiefly your eyes, I think, and the throb you get in your voice when you say things like, “Help me, Mr. Spade.”

MADISON
She should be good. Mary Astor is an Oscar winning actress.

BRIGID
All right, Mr. Spade. I deserve that. But the lie was in the way I said it, not in what I said. You can leave if you like.

MADISON
Ooo, gurl. That passive-aggressive delivery? Perfection.

SPADE
If I’m gonna help you, I gotta have some sort of a line on your friend, Thursby. ‘Cuz right now there’s a flock of cops runnin’ around with their noses to the ground.

BRIGID
Do they know about me?

SPADE
Not at the moment.

MADISON
That two hundred kept his mouth shut. However, seeing as I am only recently employed and have not yet seen any money of my own–

BRIGID
They must not know about me at all! Couldn’t you manage to shield me from them?

MADISON
Well, my bribery bank is a tad low on funds…

SPADE
You’ll be paid, Madison. But neither of us are workin’ the case, Miss O’Shaughnessy, until we know what it’s all about. So, let’s talk Thursby.

BRIGID
I met him in Hong Kong. We came here just last week. I needed him. I was completely dependent on him. He knew it. He took advantage of it to double-cross me.

SPADE
Why’d you want him shadowed?

BRIGID
I wanted to learn how far he’d gone, whom he was meeting.

SPADE
Did he kill Archer?

BRIGID
Yes, certainly.

MADISON
“Yes, certainly.” Pretty blasé about setting a guy up to get killed.

BRIGID
I didn’t set him up!

SPADE
And I don’t think it’s so “certain.” Thursby had a Luger in his shoulder holster. Archer wasn’t killed with a Luger.

BRIGID
Floyd always carried an extra revolver in his overcoat pocket.

SPADE
You picked yourself a nice sort of playmate.

BRIGID
That sort of playmate could’ve helped me… if he had been loyal.

MADISON
You thought a “playmate” would be loyal? Yeah, like all those playmates would’ve stayed with Hefner if he wasn’t rich. Ya know, outta “loyalty.”

SPADE
All right, let’s have it now. How bad a spot are you in?

BRIGID
As bad as bad could be. I’m not heroic. I don’t think there’s anything worse than death.

MADISON
Nothing worse than death? Why don’t you try being zapped back into old timey radio shows for five years where there’s no wifi, the coffee sucks, and you have to spend your days working for misogynists because Gloria Steinem is still in elementary school!

SPADE
Hit a nerve, sweetheart?

MADISON
Sorry, little emotional dump there. Carry on.

SPADE
Miss O’Shaughnessy, do you mean someone might kill you?

BRIGID
Yes.

SPADE
Your enemies or his?

BRIGID
His, I suppose. I don’t know. I… I’m afraid.

SPADE
Who are Thursby’s enemies?

BRIGID
Well, there’s a small dark man with white teeth, and a smooth, dangerous fat man.

MADISON
“Teeth and the Fat Man”?

SPADE
All right, we’ll help you. And they’ll probably give it to me, too, huh? All right, so what? I guess I won’t be the first guy who let a dame make a sucker outta him.

MADISON
And I am already living a fate worse than death so… bring it.

SCENE THREE

EFFIE
Oh! Mr. Spade. A man’s been waiting for you in your office.

SPADE
Well, I hope he didn’t steal any of my pens.

EFFIE
Here’s his card.

SPADE
Joel Cairo.

EFFIE
He’s a foreign type. Smells like gardenia.

MADISON
“Foreign” type? Okay, Effie, if you’re gonna be my secretary, I’m requiring you to watch sensitivity training videos.

SPADE
Never mind that, let’s go get a whiff of those gardenias.

MADISON
And I expect you to be trained in preferred pronouns by the end of the day.

SPADE
I’m Sam Spade. “Cairo” is it?

CAIRO
Yes, Mr. Spade.

SPADE
You would’ve had a shorter wait if I knew you were coming.

CAIRO
I apologize. But I’m here on an urgent matter. Time could not be wasted.

SPADE
This here is my, uh, new partner. Madison Standish.

CAIRO
Glad to know you.

MADISON
You say that now. Wait until you actually know me.

SPADE
Something we can do for you, Mr. Cairo?

CAIRO
I am trying to recover an an ornament that has been, shall we say, mislaid. I thought, and hoped, you could assist me. The ornament is a statuette. A black figure of a bird.

MADISON
Ooo! Collectable?

CAIRO
Eh… one might say that.

SPADE
So what’s this bird worth to ya?

CAIRO
I am prepared to pay, on behalf of the figure’s rightful owner, the sum of five thousand dollars for its recovery.

SPADE
Well, five thousand dollars is a lot of money.

MADISON
Oh, collectors will pay. Baseball cards, comic books, don’t even get me started on Star Wars memorabilia. I swear, George Lucas could take a dump and the sale of it would pay off the national debt.

SPADE
Uh-huh. As I said, Mr. Cairo, five thousand dollars is a lot of– What do you think you’re doing?

CAIRO
I am pointing a revolver at a spot directly between your eyes. You and Miss Standish will please clasp your hands together at the back of your necks and do not move.

MADISON
You know the secretary is right on the other side of that door and would totally hear a gunshot.

CAIRO
Well, then, it’s a good thing I have plenty of bullets.

SPADE
How ’bout not offering up any more targets, eh, Madison?

CAIRO
You will please stand, Mr. Spade. I shall make sure you are not armed.

SPADE
What’s this all about, anyway?

CAIRO
I intend to search your office and, if you attempt to prevent me, I shall certainly shoot you.

SPADE
All right. Go ahead.

MADISON
But you can’t search my purse.

CAIRO
Why not? Do you have a revolver in there?

MADISON
No, but I have tampons and they’re not easy to find in this era. Fun fact, the woman who would later become the founder of Tampax used to hand sew her tampons. They oughta sell tampon sewing kits at Michael’s.

CAIRO
What does she say?

MADISON
Fun arts and crafts for the Girl Scouts.

CAIRO
All right, hand over that purse!

MADISON
No!

CAIRO
Ah! That hurt me! What is in that purse?

MADISON
A lot of coins! Because I honestly don’t know how to use them as money, so every time I get change, I throw them in the bottom of my purse.

CAIRO
Well, then, need I remind you that I am the one with the revolver?

SPADE
Not for long, Cairo! All right, drop the gun! Drop it!

CAIRO
Ah!!

SPADE
Drop it! Or do I twist your arm off at the elbow?

CAIRO
Here! Take it!

SPADE
Yeah. Thanks. Now sit down over there and behave yourself.

CAIRO
You… you have bruised me, Mr. Spade.

MADISON
Oh, I get bruises all the time and I have no idea how I got them. I’ll look in the mirror and see one on my arm and like, retrace my whole day. Nope. No idea.

SPADE
Well, I’m sorry, there, Cairo, but I don’t like guys who make a phony offer of five thousand dollars.

CAIRO
You are mistaken, Mr. Spade. That was, and is, a genuine offer. I am prepared to pay five thousand dollars for the figure’s return. You have the figure?

SPADE
No.

CAIRO
Then why did you risk serious injury to prevent my searching for it?

SPADE
Maybe I don’t like purse snatchers.

MADISON
And this is a Louis Vuitton. The purse is worth more than anything I keep in it.

SPADE
Now, let’s put the cards on the table, Cairo. Your first guess was that I had the bird. There’s nothing to that. Now, what’s your second guess?

CAIRO
That you know where it is, or at least, you know where you can get it.

SPADE
So, you’re not hiring me to do any murders or burglaries for you but simply to get it back — if possible — in an honest, lawful way? Say… from a dame with red hair or a smooth, dangerous fat man?

MADISON
“Dame” and “fat man.” Sam, I think you’re gonna have to join Effie in the sensitivity training.

CAIRO
Oh, so you are aware of them. I hope you are also aware that they would stop at nothing.

SPADE
Duly noted.

CAIRO
I am at the Hotel Belvedere when you wish to communicate with me. Good day, Mr. Spade, Miss Standish.

SPADE
Mr. Cairo.

MADISON
Later.

CAIRO
Oh, by the way, may I have my revolver back, please?

SPADE
Oh, yeah, sure. Here you are.

CAIRO
Thank you. Now, you two will please keep your hands behind your head! I still intend to search your office!

SPADE
Well, I’ll be. All right, go ahead.

CAIRO
Thank you! Ah!

MADISON
Well. Now I know what I can use all these coins for.

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Where are we going? Do you think you know where that bird statue is?

SPADE
Not in the slightest. But I figure while Mr. Cairo’s most recent bruise to the head is being nursed by Effie, you and I can make another visit to see Miss O’Shaughnessy.

MADISON
You think she knows where the bird statue is?

SPADE
I have no idea. That’s why we’re gonna ask her some questions. I thought you said you had experience as a detective.

MADISON
I might’ve exaggerated a bit on my resume.

SPADE
Oh, yeah? How many cases have you closed?

MADISON
All of them.

SPADE
You solved all of your cases?

MADISON
No, I “closed” them. I never said I solved them.

SPADE
Ya know, when bullets start flying in this business, semantics aren’t gonna save ya.

MADISON
Ah!

SPADE
What? What is it?

MADISON
I think I stepped in something sticky.

SPADE
Well, how ’bout that? You really are a gumshoe.

MADISON
O.M.G. This is so gross. How did it become socially acceptable for people to just drop their gum on the sidewalk?!

SPADE
That’ll have to be a question for another day. C’mon, Doublemint, we’re here. Come on. What are you standing down there for?

MADISON
I’m trying to get the gum off!

BRIGID
Come in, Mr. Spade. Is… is anything wrong, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Nothing an anti-littering campaign couldn’t fix.

BRIGID
Do you have any news for me?

SPADE
We saw Joel Cairo. He offered us five thousand dollars for the black bird.

BRIGID
Oh, did he? And what did you say?

MADISON
I hit him over the head with my Louis Vuitton.

SPADE
Well, I said five thousand dollars is a lot of money.

MADISON
That’s actually less than I paid for my Louis Vuitton.

BRIGID
My. That’s a lot more than I could ever offer you… if I must bid for your loyalty.

MADISON
Ooo! Are we taking bids? We can do it like one of those bachelor auctions! Women treating men like objects is so worth the double standard.

SPADE
Okay, okay, let’s get back to this statue. Now, uh, what is this bird that everybody’s all steamed up about?

BRIGID
It’s a black figure of a hawk or a falcon, about a foot high.

SPADE
What makes it so important?

MADISON
Is it part of a set? When I was a kid, my mom collected Happy Meal toys. She’d use me as a front to order the Happy Meals. I felt like a mule for her addiction.

BRIGID
I don’t know why the statue is important. They wouldn’t tell me. But they promised me five thousand dollars if I helped them get it.

SPADE
What’s the bird made of?

BRIGID
Porcelain or black stone. I don’t know.

SPADE
You’re a liar.

BRIGID
What?

MADISON
He said you’re a liar. Like when I was fourteen and still pretending to be a kid to order Happy Meals.

BRIGID
Yes, I am. I’ve always been a liar.

SPADE
Well, don’t brag about it. Is there any truth at all in that yarn?

MADISON
The truth is, there is no age restriction on buying Happy Meals. And you can even buy the toys separately. Do you know how many McNuggets I ate for that obsessed woman?

BRIGID
There’s some truth. Not very much.

SPADE
Do you know where the bird is?

BRIGID
Yes, I think so. I should have it in another week at the most. If you’ll help me.

SPADE
Mm-hmm. And you’re willing to sell it? Why?

BRIGID
I’m afraid after what happened to Floyd.

SPADE
What did happen to Floyd?

BRIGID
He was murdered… by the fat man.

SPADE
If we can prove that, I’ll be off the hook for it.

BRIGID
Does that mean you’ll help me?

SPADE
What do you say, Madison. Do we go bird hunting?

MADISON
Shhh… be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting fawlkins.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
Okay, so now where are we going? All this talk of birds is making me hungry. I could totes go for a chicken salad sandwich.

SPADE
I’m not exactly sure where we’re goin’ at the moment.

MADISON
Then I’ll keep an eye out for a diner.

SPADE
No time for that. Come on, let’s head down this alley.

MADISON
Why are we heading down an alley? This noir lighting already makes it hard to see anything.

SPADE
Exactly. Now stop right here. Quiet.

MADISON
You better not try anything. I got pepper spray.

SPADE
Quiet! All right, son!

MADISON
Ah!!

SPADE
Madison! What did you just spray me with?!

MADISON
Oh, dammit! That wasn’t my pepper spray, that was my hairspray.

SPADE
How ’bout sprayin’ him and not me?!

WILMER
Oh!!

SPADE
Now. Do I have your attention?

MADISON
Dude! Spade! Tone down the toxic bro energy!

SPADE
This young man’s been tailin’ us.

MADISON
Tracking us? Okay, then you tone down the toxic bro energy.

WILMER
I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.

SPADE
Sure ya do. Where is he? You work for him, don’t you?

MADISON
Who?

SPADE
Madison, I’m interrogating him, not you.

MADISON
Good, because I don’t know who you’re talking about.

WILMER
I don’t know anythin’. I was just goin’ for a walk.

SPADE
Right, yeah. You “was just goin’ for a walk” earlier, too, I suppose, when we went to Miss O’Shaughnessy’s place. Spent some time outside her window, then decided to move on exactly when we left there.

MADISON
You did all that legwork to track us? Gimme the “Find Me” app any day. Stalk people from the comfort of your own sofa.

SPADE
All right. The fat man. I want to speak to him.

WILMER
What d’you think you’re doin’, jack, kiddin’ me?

MADISON
Does this “fat man” have a name? I’d feel better if we could refer to him in a less derogatory way.

WILMER
Shove off.

MADISON
He’s your boss, right? I get it. Oh, the names I’ve used for my bosses. Gotta be careful, though. You accidentally use it in a group chat and even laughing emojis won’t save you.

WILMER
Can’t you tell this dame to clam up?

SPADE
Sure. But that still won’t change the fact that you’ll have to talk to me before you’re through, sonny. So will the fat man.

WILMER
Keep askin’ for it and you’re gonna get it — plenty. Ahhh!! All right! Room four-oh-seven! The Berkeley!

MADISON
That was my pepper spray.

SCENE SIX

GUTMAN
Ah, Mr. Spade and Miss Standish. Delighted to see you both, delighted.

SPADE
How do you do, Mr. Gutman?

MADISON
‘Sup.

GUTMAN
Why don’t you two sit down. We’ll have a little drink.

MADISON
Yes, please!

SPADE
I’d like to talk.

MADISON
We can talk and drink.

SPADE
I rather enjoy talking.

GUTMAN
Better! I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things.

MADISON
Isn’t “Gutman” just another way to say, “Fat Man”?

GUTMAN
Proving my point. All right, Mr. Spade, we’ll talk.

SPADE
Will we talk about the black bird?

GUTMAN
You’re the man for me, sir. No beating about the bush but right to the point. Have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?

MADISON
Hopefully more than my mom’s Happy Meal toys. I mean, really, they’re just mass produced plastic.

GUTMAN
Plastic? You both know what the bird is, of course?

MADISON
I’m gonna guess it’s not plastic by that response. Rude. But it’s not like my idea is out there. Could be hollow for smuggling things.

SPADE
Well, I know the value in human life you people put on it.

GUTMAN
But Miss O’Shaughnessy didn’t tell you what it is? And Cairo didn’t either? They must know what it is. Or do they?

MADISON
Just tell us! Geez!

GUTMAN
Hmm. I am the only one in this whole wide wonderful world who knows.

SPADE
Well, that’s great. When you’ve told us, that’ll make three.

GUTMAN
Mathematically correct, sir. But I don’t know for certain that I’m going to tell you.

SPADE
Don’t be foolish. You know what it is. I know where it is.

GUTMAN
That is hardly equitable, sir. No, no, no, no. I don’t think we can do business along these lines.

SPADE
Yeah? Well, think again, and think fast. I told that gunman of yours that you’d have to talk to me before you finished.

GUTMAN
What are you wasting my time for? I can get along without you! Now, talk!

WILMER
Anything wrong, boss?

MADISON
Back off!

WILMER
Be careful, boss! That dame’s armed with some sort of poison gas spray~!

MADISON
But it’s all natural with a hint of lemon.

GUTMAN
Wilmer, just stand over there. Lethal lady you have, Spade.

SPADE
I’m no schoolgirl, myself. Well, think it over. You’ve got till five-thirty. Then you’re either in or out, for keeps!

MADISON
I never understood that “schoolgirl” reference. When I was a schoolgirl I could make hardened criminals cry. Ask any of the inmates at Folsom Prison.

SCENE SEVEN

MADISON
And here we are walking the streets of San Francisco again.

SPADE
Sorry to put so much milage on your shoes, angel.

MADISON
What I wouldn’t give for a Waymo. The only thing I don’t like about self driving cars is they won’t go around idiot drivers and cut them off. I guess that’s what separates human drivers from machines.

SPADE
Well, hoofin’ it is part of the P.I. game. This trip we’re goin’ back to see Miss O’Shaughnessy. The best chance I got of clearing myself of these killings is to bring in the murderers all tied up.

MADISON
Do you think she actually knows where the statue is?

SPADE
I think Gutman thinks she knows where it is.

WILMER
Hey! You!

SPADE
Speak of the Devil. Hiya, son. Didn’t expect to see you until five-twenty-five.

WILMER
Keep on ridin’ me and they’ll be pickin’ iron outta your liver.

MADISON
How did you end up working for Mr. Gutman?

WILMER
What?

MADISON
I mean, how do you find out about jobs like, ya know, what you do.

SPADE
Gunsel.

MADISON
Yeah, that. Mostly word of mouth?

WILMER
All I know is, you got a big mouth.

MADISON
I’m guessing you don’t need references.

WILMER
I’m gonna plug ya just for the satisfaction of it.

SPADE
That might upset your boss. Gutman ready to talk?

WILMER
Yeah. He’s waitin’ at the hotel. Get goin’.

MADISON
Do you have to supply your own gun?

SPADE
What’s all this interest in being some kingpin’s gunman?

MADISON
I dunno. I might be looking for a job if you get put away for murder.

SPADE
I appreciate the confidence.

MADISON
So what are the hours like?

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
Your last job was in New York? What brought you to San Francisco?

WILMER
I was lookin’ for a change. Heard the weather out here was nicer.

MADISON
Oh, yeah, totes.

GUTMAN
Ah, Mr. Spade. Miss Standish. Glad you two could make it. Wait outside, Wilmer.

SPADE
I don’t think he’ll wanna leave. These two have been gettin’ along like old school chums.

MADISON
Don’t be jealous.

WILMER
I’ll get you, Spade. Someday I’ll let you have it right in the face. We still goin’ for coffee?

MADISON
Definitely. I’ll get in touch after this whole bird statue thing is over. Ya know, if you don’t get arrested or shot or whatever.

GUTMAN
Well, glad to see you’re making friends, Miss Standish. Mr. Spade, I hope you and I can get along as swimmingly. Here, I’ll fix you two a drink.

SPADE
Thanks.

MADISON
The best part of noir is how everybody has their own mini bars.

GUTMAN
I owe you two an apology for sending for you in this fashion.

MADISON
Did you know Wilmer collects buttons?

SPADE
How ’bout you yield the floor to Mr. Gutman? He’s gonna talk about the bird.

MADISON
You’re so jealous.

GUTMAN
Your drinks.

SPADE
Hope hers is a double.

MADISON
Me, too.

GUTMAN
All right. Now, this is going to be the most astounding thing either of you have ever heard.

MADISON
Big build up usually equals major let down.

SPADE
I’d still like to hear it.

GUTMAN
Thank you, Mr. Spade. What do you know about the Knights of Rhodes?

MADISON
I know the Knights of the First Crusade.

SPADE
And I know it’s taking every ounce of my being to stop from shuttin’ you up permanently.

MADISON
You have chosen… wisely.

GUTMAN
Please! I need to get through this before your drinks take effect.

MADISON
“Take effect”?

GUTMAN
Eh… before you become intoxicated.

SPADE
Go on. I promise she won’t interrupt any more. Right, Madison?

MADISON
I could use a refill if you want me to get intoxicated.

GUTMAN
Of course. Now, the Knights of Rhodes were Crusaders. In 1539, these crusading Knights persuaded the Emperor Charles V to give them the island of Malta. The Emperor made but one condition. The Knights were to pay him each year the tribute of a falcon in acknowledgment that Malta was still under Spain. The Knights were profoundly grateful to the Emperor for his generosity towards them.Your drink, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Thank you. Your story gets better the more drunk I get.

GUTMAN
Glad to hear it. The very first year the Knights sent him — not an insignificant live bird — but a glorious golden falcon, encrusted from head to foot with the finest jewels in their coffers. They sent this jeweled bird to Charles, but it never reached Spain. In 1713, it turned up in Sicily. In 1840 it appeared in Paris. It had, by that time, acquired a coat of black enamel so that it looked like nothing more than a fairly interesting black statuette. In 1923, a Greek dealer found it in an obscure Paris shop. I heard about it in London and rushed over to buy it. But the Greek was murdered and the falcon was gone. That was twenty-three years ago. For twenty-three years I searched for the bird. Finally, I traced it to the home of a Russian general, but he wouldn’t sell, even though he knew nothing of its value.

MADISON
Whoa… were you talking that entire time?

SPADE
Just finish your drink, huh?

GUTMAN
May I refresh yours, Mr. Spade?

SPADE
Yeah, thank you.

GUTMAN
I sent some… agents to get it, and well, sir, they’ve got it and… I haven’t.

SPADE
Where’s this, er, Russian?

GUTMAN
Oh, he died. Rather suddenly. His heart.

SPADE
Was there a knife in it or a bullet?

GUTMAN
Your glass, Mr. Spade.

SPADE
Thank you. So I suppose this is where we came in.

MADISON
My tongue tastes like hair.

GUTMAN
Yes. Now, before we start to talk prices, how soon are you willing to produce the falcon?

SPADE
Coupla days.

GUTMAN
Ah, that’s quite satisfactory. Here’s to a fair bargain! Drink up!

SPADE
Well, uh, what’s your idea of a fair bargain?

MADISON
Is my nose getting wider?

GUTMAN
Twenty-five thousand dollars when you deliver the falcon to me, and another twenty-five thousand later on. Or I’ll give you one quarter of what I realize on the falcon. That would amount to a vastly greater sum.

SPADE
Well… Madison… Madison and I should… should talk it… over…

MADISON
Ohmahgod! Do you feel that?! It’s a San Francisco earthquake! Ow. I was aiming for the chair.

GUTMAN
What’s the matter? Are you two feeling ill?

SPADE
I feel, uh– What was, er, what was in that, er, that drink?

GUTMAN
The drink? Oh, I drugged it. You’ll both be unconscious very shortly. You’d better lie down. I wouldn’t want you to fall like Miss Standish, there.

MADISON
This rug is sooooo soft…

SPADE
Well, that’s, uh, that’s v-very good.

GUTMAN
Oh, dear, dear. Oh, Joel? Joel? Come in here!

CAIRO
Are they unconscious?

MADISON
I… love… your… shoes…

GUTMAN
Well, Spade is. The girl is managing to retain consciousness.

MADISON
Do you know how many times I’ve been roofied? I’ve built up a tolerance! You’re gonna have to do better than that!

CAIRO
Now she is unconscious?

MADISON
“Wanta Malta? Don’t you wanna wanta Malta?”

GUTMAN
Let’s just go.

SCENE NINE

MADISON
Woo. That was some primo knock out drugs. I can tell by the headache I’m currently nursing.

SPADE
It’s late. We must’ve been out for some time. Effie’s already left for the day.

MADISON/SPADE
Oh!!!!

MADISON
I’ll get it. ‘Yello… What? I can’t hear you… Ah! That’s too loud!

SPADE
Who is it?

MADISON
Who is it?… Captain somebody.

SPADE
Captain?

MADISON
You guys got lady captains in the ’40s?… Ah! Again, too loud!

SPADE
What? What is it?

MADISON
Oh, it’s Miss O’Shah-nah-nah.

SPADE
What about a “captain”?

MADISON
Shut up, shut up, I can’t hear her… Twenty-six Ancho Street.

SPADE
Write it down.

MADISON
I’m writing it down! Hello? Hello? She’s gone. But she was all rushed and, like, was flippin’ out ‘n’ stuff.

SPADE
Listen. Was that the outside door?

MADISON
I dunno. I still hear the phone ringing in my head. Ah!

CAPTAIN
Mister… Spade?

SPADE
Yes…?

CAPTAIN
This package… for you. She told me… for you.

SPADE
What’s the matter with you?

MADISON
He’s probably high. Most Amazon delivery people are wasted on their routes. That’s why your packages end up flung into the bushes.

CAPTAIN
For… you. Uhhhh–

MADISON
Well, I guess you don’t have to sign for it.

SPADE
He has about four slugs in him.

MADISON
Dangerous profession, delivery driver. With the highest rate of addiction.

SPADE
Gimme the scissors from the desk, will ya? I wanna see what’s in this package.

MADISON
Here.

SPADE
Thanks.

MADISON
Do you think it’s actually the… bird in question?

SPADE
Well, now, we’ll see, won’t we?

MADISON
It is?

SPADE
It is. We’ve got it! The Maltese Falcon. Look at it. The black bird. A million bucks under a coat of enamel.

MADISON
On the phone she said there was a– Ohhh! That’s what was she trying to tell me. This dude must be Captain Jacoby. Boy, he had a short scene, didn’t he?

SPADE
Now, listen, I’ve got to get to Miss O’Shaughnessy. Soon as I’ve gone, phone the police. Ask for Dundy. Tell him–

MADISON
What do you mean “as soon as you’ve gone?” I’m going with you.

SPADE
Ah, no, sweetheart. This is the part where things get dangerous.

MADISON
I don’t care! I’m not gonna be left behind! …with the dead dude.

SPADE
Look, I already lost one partner today. I don’t intend on losin’ two.

MADISON
Why’re you assuming I’m the one who is gonna get killed?

SPADE
Besides, I don’t wanna show up with the bird. I’d rather have you drop by with it later.

MADISON
I can conceal it.

SPADE
What, in that suitcase you call a handbag?

MADISON
My Louis Vuitton is not a “handbag.” It’s a fashion statement. And that’s not actually where I was gonna conceal it.

SPADE
Where else?

MADISON
Oh, the many mysteries of 1940’s ladies undergarments.

SCENE TEN

GUTMAN
Just keep your hands up and come in. Wilmer, shut the door.

SPADE
Quite a party you’ve assembled here.

MADISON
Are you kidding? There’s not even a D.J.

GUTMAN
Mr. Spade, Miss Standish, I believe you know Mr. Cairo.

CAIRO
How do you do.

GUTMAN
And, course, Miss O’Shaughnessy.

BRIGID
Sam, I tried to call you. I spoke to Miss Standish. They’ve been holding me here–

GUTMAN
And, you know Wilmer.

WILMER
You carryin’ a rod? Lemme see.

SPADE
Put your paws on me and I’m gonna make you use that gun. Ask your boss if he wants me shot up before we talk.

MADISON
Ya know, Wilmer is just trying to do his job. You don’t have to be so nasty to him.

WILMER
Thank you.

GUTMAN
Sit down, Wilmer.

SPADE
All right, Gutman, you ready to make the first payment and take the falcon off my hands?

GUTMAN
You’re sure you have it?

BRIGID
Sam! Have you?

SPADE
I didn’t this afternoon, but I have now.

GUTMAN
Then I am willing to pay. Joel? The money, please.

SPADE
Wait just a minute. First, we’ve gotta have a fall guy.

MADISON
Lee Majors?

SPADE
I mean, the police gotta have somebody they can stick for those three murders.

GUTMAN
Two. Only two murders, Mr. Spade. Thursby undoubtedly killed your partner.

SPADE
All right, two. The point is, I’ve gotta come through with somebody for the police. If I don’t, I’ll be it.

GUTMAN
And whom do you recommend?

SPADE
Oh, well, I’m not fussy. How about giving them Wilmer here? He’ll do.

WILMER
Why, you–!

MADISON
Dude! Seriously, Sam! The poor guy is just trying to make an dishonest buck!

SPADE
He did kill Thursby, didn’t he, Gutman?

MADISON
You did?

WILMER
I got nothin’ to say on the subject.

GUTMAN
Ah, you make a point, Mr. Spade. You’re quite a character. Well, what do you think of this, Wilmer? Mighty funny, hmm?

WILMER
Yeah. Mighty funny.

MADISON
Aw. And I thought being a gunsel just meant standing around and being threatening. I didn’t know you actually have to kill people.

WILMER
Well, every employer’s different.

GUTMAN
All right, all right. Mr. Spade, your plan is not at all practical. Let’s not say anything more about it.

SPADE
Fine. I’ve got another suggestion. Wanna hear it?

GUTMAN
Most assuredly.

SPADE
Give ’em Joel Cairo.

CAIRO
Suppose we give them you, Mr. Spade? Or Miss Standish? How ’bout that?

MADISON
Hey! I didn’t get here till everybody was already murdered.

SPADE
Except for the Captain.

MADISON
Oh, does he count?

CAIRO
What about Miss O’Shaughnessy?

BRIGID
What?!

SPADE
Ah, now there’s an idea.

BRIGID
Sam! You don’t mean it?!

SPADE
Now look, you people want the falcon. I’ve got it, and the fall guy’s part of the price. Personally, I see only one guy who’s really right. And that’s Wilmer.

WILMER
I’ll kill him! I’ll kill him!

MADISON
Wilmer! Stop! You’re a professional!

WILMER
Oh, I’ve had enough outta you. Some dame thinkin’ she can do my job?

MADISON
You… male chauvinist… douche nozzle! Sorry. Your trigger man triggered me.

SPADE
All right. There’s your fall guy, Gutman. What do you say? Or I’ll turn the falcon and the whole lot of you in.

GUTMAN
Mmmmm. All right. You can have Wilmer.

SPADE
Good. Now, uh, let’s get the details fixed. Why did Wilmer kill Thursby, and why and where did he shoot Captain Jacoby?

MADISON
Ooo! I know! Wilmer killed Thursby because Thursby was Miss O’Shaughnessy’s boyfriend. And… was in love with her!

SPADE
Please, Madison, this isn’t a romance novel.

GUTMAN
Well… I shall be candid with you. Thursby was Miss O’Shaughnessy’s ally. We believed that disposing of him would frighten Miss O’Shaughnessy into patching up her differences with us.

MADISON
I was pretty close.

SPADE
All right. Then you want to take a stab at Captain Jacoby?

MADISON
The Captain had been at sea for many years. Dreaming, all the while, of his true love, Miss O’Shaughnessy, and finally reaching the Port of San Francisco where he could — at long last — see her again.

GUTMAN
Well, Captain Jacoby’s death was entirely Miss O’Shaughnessy’s fault.

MADISON
Ah-ha!

BRIGID
That’s a lie!

GUTMAN
You see, Wilmer called on this Jacoby, but he — with Miss O’Shaughnessy and the bird — slipped through our fingers. We followed them to her apartment and Wilmer shot the Captain. He shot him many times, but the man was tough and he did not drop the falcon.

MADISON
There’s still room for a love story in there.

GUTMAN
We… persuaded Miss O’Shaughnessy to call your office, but, unfortunately, she did not call in time to prevent you from meeting the Captain and getting the falcon.

SPADE
I see.

GUTMAN
And now, sir, would it be presumptuous if we asked to see the falcon?

SPADE
What about the money, Gutman?

GUTMAN
Let me have it, Mr. Spade!

SPADE
Now, easy… easy.

GUTMAN
Let me see it, quickly! After twenty-three years I demand you give it to me at once!

SPADE
What do you think, Madison? You think it’s about time we give him the falcon?

MADISON
Happily. This thing is poking me in places men fear to tread.

GUTMAN
What? What is she saying?

SPADE
Uh… one moment there, Gutman.

MADISON
Just… gotta… shimmy… a bit… Whew!

GUTMAN
The Maltese Falcon!

MADISON
That might be a little… damp.

GUTMAN
Yes! There you are, my beauty!

MADISON
Aw… this is a love story.

CAIRO
Is it… is it the falcon? The original?

GUTMAN
We will make sure. Your knife, Joel.

CAIRO
Here.

GUTMAN
Thank you. Just a tiny cut in the enamel and underneath we find…

GUTMAN
NO! It’s a fake! It’s lead! It’s a fake!

CAIRO
No! It cannot be!

MADISON
I had the same thing happen when I tried to buy one of Taylor Swift’s “Album of the Year” Grammys. I should never have trusted the guy who plays Spider-Man in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater.

SPADE
All right, Miss O’Shaughnessy, you’ve had your little joke. Now, tell us about it.

BRIGID
But no, Sam! No! That’s the one I got from the Russian. I swear!

CAIRO
You bungled it, Gutman! You and your stupid attempt to buy it. The Russian caught on how valuable it was. No wonder we had so little trouble stealing it!

GUTMAN
Yes, that is the Russian’s hand. There’s no doubt of it. Well, Joel?! What do you suggest? Shall we stand here and shed tears, or shall we go and interview our Russian friend?

CAIRO
You… you are still going to look for the falcon?

GUTMAN
For twenty-three years I have wanted that little item, and have been trying to get it. I’ll go on trying.

MADISON
It’s important to have goals in life.

CAIRO
Very well. I’ll go with you!

GUTMAN
The world hasn’t come to an end just because we’ve run into a little setback. I’m sorry about your money, Mr. Spade, Miss Standish, but of course you didn’t earn it.

SPADE
Well, I held up my end. You got your falcon. Your hard luck, not mine, that it wasn’t what you wanted.

MADISON
That’s what Spider-Man said.

GUTMAN
Mr. Spade, it will do no good to argue. I haven’t the money with me, anyhow. Now, sir, we’ll say goodbye to you. And since the shortest farewells are the best — Adieu. And to you, Miss O’Shaughnessy, I leave the lead falcon as a little memento. Adieu.

MADISON
Uh… Sam? The bad guys just walked out the door. What’re you gonna do?

SPADE
Nothing.

MADISON
Aren’t you being accused of murder still?

BRIGID
Yes, Sam. You said yourself the police needed a victim. Call them now. Tell them about Gutman.

SPADE
I don’t have to call them. Gutman will be nailed by the cops before he goes a block. And when he’s nailed, he’ll talk — about you, Miss O’Shaughnessy.

BRIGID
Me?

SPADE
You wanted to get Thursby out of the way before Jacoby came with the bird. Isn’t that so?

BRIGID
Yes.

MADISON
You two timed your partner? Bitch.

SPADE
Seems when the falcon is involved, loyalties are fleeting.

BRIGID
I didn’t want him dead! I… I thought that if Thursby saw someone following him, he might be frightened into going away.

SPADE
So you told Thursby that Archer was following him.

MADISON
Oh! Let’s upgrade that to, “be-yotch.”

SPADE
It gets better, doesn’t it Miss O’Shaughnessy? Because Thursby didn’t kill Archer.

BRIGID
He didn’t?

SPADE
Archer’d been a cop too long to be caught like that up a blind alley with his gun tucked away on his hip and his overcoat buttoned. But he would’ve gone up there with you, angel. He was just dumb enough for that.

MADISON
Mega Bitch.

SPADE
And then you could have stood as close to him as you liked in the dark and put a hole through him with a gun you’d gotten from Thursby that night.

BRIGID
Oh, I didn’t mean to at first. But when I saw that Thursby couldn’t be frightened–

SPADE
You decided to shoot Archer yourself to pin it on Thursby. But you didn’t know then that Gutman was here in San Francisco hunting for you until you heard Thursby, too, had been shot.

MADISON
I’m getting lost here. I think I need one of those boards with red yarn connecting everyone together.

SPADE
All you need to know, Madison, is that every one we met today is gonna be ending the story of the Maltese Falcon in San Quentin.

BRIGID
You’re doing this to me? Don’t you understand, Sam? I’m in love with you.

SPADE
That’s the cops.

BRIGID
Sam! Don’t let them in! Please!

MADISON
They say “love conquers all,” but I don’t think it’ll conquer your murder wrap.

DUNDY
Hello, Spade.

SPADE
Come in, Dundy. You get the fat boy?

DUNDY
Yup, we got ’em. Cairo and the kid, too.

MADISON
I still kinda feel sorry for Wilmer.

SPADE
He killed Thursby and Captain Jacoby.

MADISON
Hey, we’ve all done things we’re not proud of because of a crappy boss. How many times did I lie and tell people ordering at Applebee’s that what they wanted was, “Oh, yeah, my absolute favorite!” God, it made me feel so dirty.

DUNDY
What about your partner, Spade?

SPADE
How ’bout it, Miss O’Shaughnessy?

BRIGID
This… this doesn’t mean anything to you, does it, Sam?

SPADE
Maybe. But you’re going anyway. Chances are you’ll get off with twenty years. If you do, I’ll wait for you. And if they hang ya, angel… I’ll always remember you.

MADISON
That means she killed Archer.

DUNDY
Yeah, I got it.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
This adaptation of “The Maltese Falcon” was a combination of presentations from “The Lux Radio Theater” and “The Academy Award Theater.” The Lux production featured Edward G. Robinson in the role of Sam Spade, Gail Patrick as Miss O’Shaughnessy, and Laird Cregar as Gutman, and premiered in February of 1943. “The Academy Award Theater” episode was released in 1946 and actually featured Bogart, Mary Astor and Sydney Greenstreet from the original film. “The Academy Award Theater” series only ran from March of 1946 through December of that same year. They adapted screenplays to just half an hour, and their only requirement for each episode was one Academy Award winning actor be in the cast. In 1946, only Mary Astor had an Oscar for her 1941 film, “The Great Lie.” Greenstreet was nominated for Best Supporting Actor in “The Maltese Falcon,” but didn’t take home the win, and Bogart wouldn’t receive an Oscar until “The African Queen” in 1952. Adapted and directed by John Huston, Dashiell Hammett’s “The Maltese Falcon” is considered the first detective noir film, ushering in the entire genre.