MADISON ON THE AIR: THE MYSTERIOUS TRAVELER “NEW YEAR’S NIGHTMARE” OR “MADISON’S ORIGIN STORY”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: OCT 2025

SCENE ONE

THE MYSTERIOUS TRAVELER
“Madison on the Air” presents… The Mysterious Traveler. This is the Mysterious Traveler inviting you to join me on another journey into the realm of the strange and the terrifying. I hope you will enjoy the trip — that it will thrill you a little and chill you a little. So settle back and get a good grip on your nerves… if you can… Where are we going? Well, let us say for the moment, we’re taking a little trip into time and a story I call… “New Year’s Nightmare,” or “Madison’s Origin Story.” As the old year entered its last few minutes, the crowds at the Tropicana Bar in Hollywood were waiting expectantly for the clock to strike midnight. At a ringside table, a handsome young man angrily whispers to the woman with him. Perhaps you will recognize her…

JEFF
If you take another drink, I’ll leave.

MADISON
Dude, Jeff, it’s New Year’s Eve. It’s gonna be 2021 in another minute. We got through 2020 and COVID and quarantines. We’re finally able to go outside of our tiny little one bedroom apartment!

JEFF
I like that apartment. And it wasn’t “tiny” until you moved in with all of your… makeup.

MADISON
I’m an influencer, Jeff! That makeup is my life!

JEFF
You don’t have enough followers to be an influencer.

MADISON
That’s why I quit my job at Applebee’s. I need more time to make my TikTok content.

JEFF
How do you expect to make money doing TikTok videos?

MADISON
Hey! I am this close to getting sponsored by Maybelline. “Maybe she’s born with it — Maybe it’s Madison.”

JEFF
Let’s just go home.

MADISON
Go home?! It’s almost midnight! We gotta celebrate! Just one more widdle bitty dwink!

JEFF
“Just one more. Just one more.” That’s what you always say. I wouldn’t mind if it were just tonight, but you’re always getting drunk.

MADISON
I don’t remember you complaining when we first met and hooked up at Angela’s party.

JEFF
We met here at the Tropicana Bar. That’s why you wanted to come here tonight.

MADISON
Then who did I hook up with at Angela’s party?

JEFF
I don’t know. I didn’t go to Angela’s party because she was having it in the middle of COVID. At least now I know how you caught it.

MADISON
We wore masks.

JEFF
I’m leaving.

MADISON
No, no, no! Stay! Bartender! Another pitcher of margaritas!

JEFF
Nothing I say means anything to you, does it? You think because I’ve forgiven you a dozen times in the past, that I’ll do it again. But you’re wrong, Madison.

MADISON
Happy New Year! Woo! 2021 is gonna be our year!

JEFF
You said that about 2020.

MADISON
Yeah, like I could predict a pandemic. I predict what nail colors are gonna be hot next spring. Answer: boysenberry.

JEFF
Let’s face it, Madison. Our relationship just couldn’t survive the stress of being quarantined together.

MADISON
I thought you liked binge watching all eleven seasons of “The Great British Bake-Off!”

JEFF
Until you tried making your own bread.

MADISON
It’s COVID times! Everyone is making their own bread!

JEFF
Instead of yeast, you used beer.

MADISON
Beer has yeast! And I figured the baking process would cook off the alcohol.

JEFF
You drank all the beer and left a lump of flour on the kitchen counter for three days.

MADISON
Well, yeah. I was still hung over from all that beer.

JEFF
I’m sorry, Madison. I can’t live anymore with someone who gets drunk in Hollywood and then wakes up the next day in another country.

MADISON
“It’s a Small World” doesn’t count as another country. It’s Disneyland.

JEFF
You were found on the “It’s a Small World” ride in Disney Tokyo.

MADISON
That song is still stuck in my head.

JEFF
I’m sorry, Madison. I can’t watch you get drunk anymore. I’m moving out.

MADISON
You don’t have to leave. If the sight of my drinking is too much for you, I’ll go someplace else and do it. Happy New Year and goodbye! Can somebody get me an Uber?

SCENE TWO

WAITER
You mind finishing that drink? It’s five o’clock in the morning and I’m dead on my feet.

MADISON
I thought Denny’s was twenty-four hours.

WAITER
You’re not in the Denny’s. You’re in the Denny’s parking lot.

MADISON
Yeah, ‘cuz all the restaurants put up outside seating in the parking lots for COVID distancing.

WAITER
You’re sitting on my Buick.

MADISON
Fine, whatevs. It’s New Years! I’m gonna drink as much as I want! Screw Jeff!

WAITER
Yeah, okay. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off, huh? Goodnight and a Happy 2021 to ya.

MADISON
Thanks! The same to you. Ahh!

WAITER
Are you all right?

MADISON
I don’t suppose on your off hours you drive for Uber?

WAITER
Sorry.

MADISON
That’s okay. There’s a twenty-four hour Walgreens across the street. I’ll just top off my night with some NyQuil shots. Okay, besties, live stream time! It’s the first Madison Makeup TikTok of 2021! Do you see this kick-ass smokey eyeliner? I put it on last year and it’s still flawless! A little New Year’s humor!

WAITER
Hey, you! Blonde girl! Look out for that car! You’re gonna get run down if you don’t! Hey! Hey!

MADISON
Hear that guy yelling at me? It happens all the time when I wear my Maybelline Lifter Gloss. Plump, shiny lips that are never sticky, you can always–Ahhh!

SCENE THREE

MADISON
Oh… my head. It feels like a Gold Metal winning hangover… in the Luge. What’s that noise? Are those horns? Ooo! Taco Truck!

BLAKE
No, sweetheart, it’s midnight on New Year’s Eve.

MADISON
No tacos? Dang my head is throbbing. Greasy street tacos always make me feel better when I’ve been drinking. Wait a sec… Where am I?

BLAKE
Darling, this is your home. You live here.

MADISON
Live here? No way I live here.

BLAKE
Of course you do.

MADISON
Oh, yeah? Then where’s the flat-screen TV? My MacBook Pro? The Ikea furniture that after a week looks like it was garbage picked from an alley behind Goodwill?

BLAKE
Linda, I’d better call Dr. Smith. You look so strange.

MADISON
I’ve never seen this place before.

BLAKE
Hello? Connect me with Dr. Smith’s apartment, please.

MADISON
Did we hook up at Walgreens? I really can’t be held responsible for my actions when I’ve downed a full bottle of NyQuil.

BLAKE
Hello, Doctor? This is Blake Arnold

MADISON
I really can’t be held responsible for my actions when I’ve downed a full bottle of NyQuil.

BLAKE
Yes, it’s Linda. She isn’t well. Could you come to our apartment at once? … Oh, thank you. Goodbye.

MADISON
So, thanks for letting me crash here to sleep it off.

BLAKE
Linda, you live here. I’m your husband and this is your home. Don’t you remember?

MADISON
You’re my husband? Shah, okay. Come out everybody! Jokes over!

BLAKE
Who are you talking to?

MADISON
You guys totes had me goin’. What did they do, hire you offa Craig’s List?

BLAKE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MADISON
It’s a pretty elaborate gag to play on someone who passed out. Better than drawing a penis on my face with a marker, though. Unless… I gotta see a mirror. Bathroom?

BLAKE
At the end of the hall.

MADISON
You guys really got me. Is Jeff behind all this?

BLAKE
Who’s “Jeff”?

MADISON
Ahhh! What happened to my hair?

BLAKE
What do you mean, sweetheart?

MADISON
I have… Victory Rolls.

BLAKE
You love wearing your hair like that. You go to the beauty parlor once a week.

MADISON
Dude, this prank is elab, I’ll give ya that.

BLAKE
Linda, can’t you remember anything about us?

MADISON
This is not funny anymore. Why don’t go back to your open mic night at The Improv or whatever.

BLAKE
Listen, Linda, I–

MADISON
And why do you keep calling me “Linda?”

BLAKE
Well, we had to give you a name.

MADISON
Oh, god! Did I join a cult?! Did they give me a new identity and force me to marry a cult elder? Again?!

BLAKE
All right, if “Linda” isn’t your name, then what is it?

MADISON
Madison!

BLAKE
Your last name is Madison?

MADISON
No. It’s my first name.

BLAKE
Oh.

MADISON
What is with all that noise outside?

BLAKE
It’s midnight New Year’s Eve, darling.

MADISON
It is not midnight, New Year’s Eve. Midnight was hours ago when I left the Tropicana Bar.

BLAKE
Oh, that must be Dr. Smith. I’ll answer it.

MADISON
“Dr. Smith?” Like from “Lost in Space?” O.M.G. I will be thoroughly impressed if they hired Billy Mumy.

BLAKE
Oh, come in, Doctor. I’m so glad you’re here. I think it’s the amnesia. It seems to have left her all of a sudden. Linda, it’s Dr. Smith.

MADISON
“Never fear, Smith is here!”

DR. SMITH
Uh, yes. I want you sit down, Mrs. Arnold. I’d like to talk with you for a few minutes.

MADISON
Guys, know when to end a scene. This has gone on way too long.

DR. SMITH
What’s the last thing you remember before finding yourself in this apartment?

MADISON
Okay, I’ll play along. The last thing I remember is Jeff. He and I were at the Tropicana Bar in Hollywood celebrating New Year’s Eve.
You can come out now, Jeff!

DR. SMITH
I see. What else happened?

MADISON
He told me I drink too much. On freakin’ New Year’s Eve! He told me he wanted to move out, so I went to Denny’s.

DR. SMITH
And who is Denny?

MADISON
It’s not a who, it’s a where.

DR. SMITH
A… “where?” Hmmm…

MADISON
That’s all I remember, okay? My head hurts, I’ve got a massive hangover, and you guys have all officially screwed with me. Congrats. Where’s my phone? What time is it?

DR. SMITH
It’s just four minutes after twelve.

MADISON
Four minutes after twelve on New Year’s Eve? You guys aren’t even making this act plausible. I was at Denny’s hours after midnight.

DR. SMITH
That was last New Year’s Eve.

MADISON
“Last” New Year’s Eve? O.M.G. now you’re trying to say a whole year has passed and it’s New Year’s Eve 2021?

BLAKE
“2021”?

MADISON
Yah.

DR. SMITH
This is New Year’s Eve, 1947.

MADISON
1947? Okay. Random. Why’d you pick that year?

DR. SMITH
Here’s the morning paper. You can see the date for yourself.

MADISON
“Thursday, January 1st, 1948.” Did Jeff mock this up in Photoshop?

DR. SMITH
Perhaps you had better let me clear up a few things for you.

MADISON
1948. Oh! That’s why there’s no TV, no computers, and why my hair looks like a blonde cannoli.

BLAKE
What’s the matter with her, Doctor?

DR. SMITH
Listen to me. My name is Smith. I am a resident physician at Park Hospital. While I was on duty last New Year’s Day, 1947, you–

MADISON
Wait. Is it 1948 or 1947?

DR. SMITH
You were brought into the hospital New Year’s Day, 1947. Today is New Year’s Day, 1948.

MADISON
Jeff wrote this script, didn’t he? He’s a frustrated insurance clerk with delusions of being a sci-fi writer.

DR. SMITH
You arrived at the hospital seriously injured, having been run over by a car. When you recovered consciousness five days later, you didn’t know who you were. You were a victim of amnesia.

MADISON
Amnesia? Oh, that is so cheesy. Seriously, Jeff?! Don’t quit your day job!

DR. SMITH
Well, you did have amnesia. And we didn’t know who you were, as you had no identification papers in your handbag.

MADISON
Well, yeah. I wasn’t driving and I use Apple Pay. Where’s my phone?

BLAKE
Why do you keep asking to use the phone, darling?

MADISON
I thought in improv, you weren’t supposed to ask questions, ya hack!

DR. SMITH
The only clue to your identity was your handbag with the initials, “L.V.” on it.

BLAKE
We didn’t know your real name, so I called you, “Linda” for the “L.” And “Van Dyke” for the “V.”

MADISON
O.M.G. The “L.V.” is for “Louis Vuitton.”

DR. SMITH
Louis Vuitton?

MADISON
Louis Vuitton. The designer of my handbag? Real funny guys. Oh… is that what this is about? Jeff is mad because I used my half of the rent for all of 2020, to buy one purse. Well, it was worth it.

BLAKE
Uh… We called you “Linda” because I’ve always liked the name, “Linda.” And as for your last name, we thought “Van Dyke” was as good as any, so you became, “Linda Van Dyke.”

MADISON
Jeff picked, “Linda”? Is this because we binge watched all of “Wonder Woman” during COVID? He liked the role playing when I wore the costume.

DR. SMITH
You were in recovery for months. You weren’t discharged from the hospital until May. Blake was your nurse.

MADISON
Nurse? History check, Jeff! There were no male nurses in the 1940s!

BLAKE
Actually, I was a medic in the war and then took the job as a registered nurse when I came home.

MADISON
Ooo. Somebody studied his character’s backstory.

DR. SMITH
After you were discharged you went to work as an insurance clerk.

MADISON
As an insurance clerk? Write what ya know, Jeff.

DR. SMITH
Who is this “Jeff” you keep mentioning?

MADISON
My absolutely ex-boyfriend. Message received, Jeff!

BLAKE
But, Linda– I mean, Madison, you have been working as an insurance clerk for seven months!

DR. SMITH
There was no way of learning what your occupation had been. So when Blake heard of this opening in an insurance office, you applied for the position.

BLAKE
And then we were married.

MADISON
Married?

BLAKE
Don’t you remember?

DR. SMITH
I’m afraid, Blake, she really can’t.

BLAKE
Doctor, you’d said she might never get over her amnesia.

DR. SMITH
Well, that was a strong possibility, but apparently the sounds of New Year’s brought back her memory.

MADISON
Look you guys, bravo, great show. But my head is killing me. I’m gonna go sleep this off in the bedroom, ‘k?

BLAKE
Certainly, darling.

MADISON
Dude, what was your name?

BLAKE
Blake.

MADISON
“Blake.” Of course. Jeff always wants me to watch Blake Edwards movies. But I’m sorry, “The Pink Panther” movies are nothing like the cartoon.

BLAKE
Have you ever seen this kind of reaction to amnesia before, Doctor?

DR. SMITH
She thinks she’s living in a futuristic farce. Let her rest. I’m sure she’ll come around in the morning.

SCENE FOUR

BLAKE
(humming)

MADISON
Hey, guy, thanks for letting me crash here.

BLAKE
Ah, good morning, sweetheart. I figured you might appreciate it if I made breakfast for you for a change. I hope you don’t mind my commandeering your kitchen.

MADISON
“My” kitchen?

BLAKE
You’re so particular when you cook.

MADISON
Okay, wow, you got like, zero facts about me. The bulk of meals I make are dry cereal. And that’s just because I’m too lazy to buy milk.

BLAKE
What can I do to prove to you that we’re in love and married?

MADISON
We’re still doin’ this, huh? You know how to stay in character, I’ll give ya that. Have you seen my purse?

BLAKE
It’s on the nightstand where you put it every night.

MADISON
“Where I put it every night.” Oh-kay. I don’t see it!

BLAKE
The left-side nightstand!

MADISON
The only purse I found was this one with some faux bamboo handle that Sophia should be carrying around Miami.

BLAKE
Yes, that’s your handbag.

MADISON
Great. So in your scenario, I cook and have bargain bin purses.

BLAKE
The eggs are almost done. Why don’t you have a seat at the kitchen table?

MADISON
Wait! Where’s my phone?

BLAKE
Phone? It’s on the hall table.

MADISON
Oh, god, I hope I have enough charge left to request an Uber.

BLAKE
Do you want toast with your eggs, dear?

MADISON
Okay, ha-ha. The only phone on the hall table is a landline that looks like a black version of the Chatter Phone from “Toy Story.”

BLAKE
Then I don’t know what you’re looking for. That’s our only telephone. Here, eat your breakfast. You’ll feel better with some food in your stomach.

MADISON
Eggs and bacon? I guess you didn’t get the alert that I’m vegan?

BLAKE
Vegan? I, uh–

MADISON
Look, just tell me where my stuff is.

BLAKE
Everything in this apartment is yours. Yours and mine.

MADISON
Okay, fine! The stuff I had before we met?

BLAKE
Oh, uh… It’s in a hat box in the bedroom closet.

MADISON
A “hat box”? Sure. You have a shoe box for shoes, why not a hat box for hats? Or a pants box for pants?

BLAKE
Did you find it, darling?

MADISON
Oh, thank god. Okay, my phone’s working but I got zero reception. What’s your WiFi password?

BLAKE
My what?

MADISON
You can drop the act now.

BLAKE
Darling, you’re still agitated from last night. Why don’t you go lie down on the sofa? Dr. Smith said you need to rest.

MADISON
No, thanks. I’m done with this gag.

BLAKE
Wait! Where are you going?

MADISON
To a Starbucks or someplace where I can hop on their WiFi so I can get an Uber.

BLAKE
You can’t go, Linda– uh, Madison. Listen to yourself. “Starbucks,” “WiFi,” “Uber”? You’re speaking nonsense.

MADISON
And you let this bit go on longer than an SNL sketch.

BLAKE
But–

MADISON
And… scene.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
Geez, what part of town did they bring me to? I’ve gone blocks without seeing a Starbucks, a CVS or an In-N-Out Burger. It’s like I’m not even in Los Angeles anymore.

JEFF
Oh, good morning, Linda.

MADISON
There you are. Okay, Jeff, you made your point.

JEFF
“My point?” What are you talking about?

MADISON
That I drink so much that someday I’m gonna wake up married to some strange guy and living in… where is this? Historic “Old Pasadena?”

JEFF
Wait… Madison?

MADISON
So, am I forgiven after the joke you pulled on me last night?

JEFF
Last night?

MADISON
That guy you got to play my husband! Is he from that Murder Mystery you took me to?

JEFF
The one where you pulled off all the wigs of the actors shouting “Ah-ha! It’s the owner of the amusement park!”

MADISON
By the sixth one I was right.

JEFF
It really is you. And you don’t know what’s going on, do you?

MADISON
I know I’m at eighteen percent on my phone and if I don’t get to a Starbucks soon, I’m gonna have to show my thong to get a ride home.

JEFF
Look, Madison, we can’t talk here on the sidewalk. I live only a few blocks from here. We can go to my apartment.

MADISON
You live a few blocks from here?! Geez! You didn’t waste any time moving on.

JEFF
Come on. There’s a lot I have to explain to you.

MADISON
Can we start with what you’re wearing? Is that the suit jacket you wore when you dressed up like Don Johnson?

JEFF
Madison, just come on.

MADISON
Are you wearing socks?

JEFF
Hurry up.

MADISON
Why are we walking? Is your Ferrari in the shop?

SCENE SIX

JEFF
Here, let me have your coat.

MADISON
Would you look at this place! It’s so vintage.

JEFF
It’s not vintage, Madison.

MADISON
No TV? Don’t tell me you gave up your Playstation.

JEFF
Playstation hasn’t been invented yet.

MADISON
Did you get us booked on some sort of reality show? Like to see if people from modern day could survive in the past?

JEFF
Why don’t we sit down.

MADISON
Because I can tell you right now, if this past doesn’t have tampons, I’m out.

JEFF
Would you like something to drink?

MADISON
What? So you can prove I’m an alcoholic?

JEFF
Uh… You remember that fight we had that New Year’s Eve?

MADISON
Yes. I wasn’t that blitzed last night. So, what do we win if we make it to the end of the competition? How many teams are we up against? Are any Kardashians involved?

JEFF
Madison, I’m trying to explain it.

MADISON
How come you didn’t loop me in on this before the show started? Is that one of the rules?

JEFF
You’ll have to let me explain what happened after you left that night at the Tropicana. If you find it difficult to believe, I won’t blame you. It still seems like a nightmare to me.

MADISON
You actually sound serious.

JEFF
I am serious. Madison… all of this is real.

MADISON
All of what is real?

JEFF
This! The apartment, our clothing– Look at my watch! You know I don’t go anywhere without my Apple Watch!

MADISON
So, the reality show won’t let us use modern devices.

JEFF
It’s not a reality show. It’s real.

MADISON
Real reality? I don’t get it.

JEFF
Somehow — I don’t know how — we’ve traveled back in time to the 1940s.

MADISON
Pfft. Right.

JEFF
All I remember is you leaving the Tropicana Bar that New Year’s Eve, and then I went and sat in my car. I was too angry to drive. So I sat there until I must’ve fallen asleep.

MADISON
You got pissed when I did that at your cousin’s wedding!

JEFF
It was my uncle’s funeral and you passed out on the buffet. I had to carry you to the car.

MADISON
That would explain the lentils in my hair.

JEFF
Anyway, I was sleeping in my car when I got an alert on my phone that you were doing a live stream on TikTok.

MADISON
Yeah, okay.

JEFF
You were walking and talking about makeup or something, and then it looked like you got hit by a car.

MADISON
Hit… by a… car…?

JEFF
I was so surprised I must’ve tried to leap up in the car seat. Last thing I remember is hitting my head. Then I woke up here. In 1947.

MADISON
Was the car a DeLorean?

JEFF
I’m being serious. I didn’t know what to do, so I found a job as an insurance clerk. It’s not much different from what I was doing in 2020. Just without any computer software.

MADISON
That actor guy said I was an insurance clerk.

JEFF
Yeah. I hired you. You called yourself “Linda” and you didn’t seem to recognize me. Then I found out you’d gotten married, so I just let it go.

MADISON
I’m not named “Linda” and I’m not married. And I certainly don’t know anything about being an insurance clerk.

JEFF
Actually, you’re pretty good at it. And you must love your husband if you married him.

MADISON
So, he’s not an actor you hired?

JEFF
No. From what he told me at the office Christmas party, he was your nurse during your recovery.

MADISON
Recovery?

JEFF
When you were hit by the car.

MADISON
This is too insane.

JEFF
It’s a lot to wrap your head around, I know. It’s taken me a year to get adjusted.

MADISON
I don’t want to get adjusted! Okay, then. How do we get back to our own time?

JEFF
There is no “we” anymore, Madison.

MADISON
What? Just because we had one little fight? COVID was a stress on everybody!

JEFF
You spent thousands of dollars on Amazon until I had to change the password to lock you out!

MADISON
I was stimulating the economy!

JEFF
You bought sex toys.

MADISON
And I was stimulating myself. It was my patriotic duty.

JEFF
Go home to your husband. Clearly at some point your relationship worked if he asked you to marry him.

MADISON
Hang on. You’re literally telling me this is all real and I should accept it?

JEFF
And I don’t think we should work together anymore, either. I wish you’d go. I don’t wanna see you again.

MADISON
You’re breaking up with me and firing me in the same sentence?

JEFF
Good-bye, Madison. And good luck.

MADISON
Okay, you know what? Fine. Like anybody else who’s ever unwillingly time traveled, I’m going to find a way to get back home!

JEFF
You mean “Back… to the Future?”

MADISON
I didn’t want to be that on the nose.

SCENE SEVEN

BLAKE
Madison, is that you?

MADISON
Yeah!

BLAKE
Oh, I’m so glad you came back.

MADISON
Yes… I’m back. Not by choice. But my boyfriend broke up with me and now I have no money and no where to go until I figure out how to get back home. You don’t, by any chance, have a hot tub?

BLAKE
Boyfriend?

MADISON
Never mind. I’m starved, what’d you got to eat?

BLAKE
You look so tired. Do you feel well?

MADISON
Dang, you got some weird lookin’ stuff in this fridge. What’s this?

BLAKE
Uh… cheese.

MADISON
In a big block like that? Not in individually wrapped slices or shredded in a bag? How do you even eat it?

BLAKE
Why don’t you let me make something for you, sweetheart.

MADISON
Look, don’t think I don’t appreciate your being so nice to me, but we’re not together. So drop the “sweethearts” okay? It’s inapprops.

BLAKE
You mustn’t say that, Madison. You’re adjusting since you got your memory back. But I feel that in time, things will be as they were when we were first married. When you were Linda Van Dyke.

MADISON
Dude, guy, I am sorry. But I don’t know if I Quantum Leaped — because I look like myself in the mirror. Definitely not “Peggy Sue Got Married” because she leapt into her own body. Ooo! Maybe “Terminator.” Let me ask you this, was I naked when you found me?

BLAKE
I don’t understand why you keep insisting you’re from some future time!

MADISON
Hey, I’m as clueless about it as you.

BLAKE
All I know is, you and I built a life together over this last year. I just can’t step aside and let it fall apart in one day.

MADISON
Look, think of me as a stray cat. You found me, took me in, I lived with you for a year, but then my real owners came along and you have to give me back.

BLAKE
Give you back? Who did you see today? Who is this “boyfriend” you mentioned?

MADISON
My boyfriend, Jeff.

BLAKE
Jeff? Not Jeff Andrews, your boss?

MADISON
Don’t worry, he’s neither now. Broke up with me and fired me.

BLAKE
But you’re still in love with him.

MADISON
Well…

BLAKE
What do you want, then? A divorce?! No, Linda, I’ll never give you a divorce!

MADISON
I’m not Linda!

BLAKE
For a year you were Linda Van Dyke, and you did love me, and we were happy together. I had your love once, and I mean to win it back. I won’t give you a divorce!

MADISON
It doesn’t matter if you give me a divorce! I’m going back to 2021! Ooo! Ooo! Maybe I was sent to the 1940s to stop the release of the COVID virus! Can you point me to the Army of the 12 Monkeys?

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
Hey, Jeff!

JEFF
Madison! Madison, I asked you not to call on me again.

MADISON
C’mon, Jeff! I gotta talk to you.

JEFF
Well, alright, but just for a few minutes.

MADISON
Thank you!

JEFF
What do you need to talk to me about?

MADISON
Okay, I’ve been going over how it is we might’ve traveled back in time.

JEFF
All right. How?

MADISON
Well, it’s not a phone booth, per se…

JEFF
And neither one of us are from San Dimas. Or play guitar.

MADISON
I know, shut up. It’s not a phone booth, but it’s my phone.

JEFF
Your iPhone?

MADISON
Yeah! We both got zapped back in time because of my TikTok live stream.

JEFF
Oh-kay. So? What does it matter?

MADISON
What does it matter?! I figure we can get back to 2021 if I live stream again. Look! I found my charger. I’m at a hundred percent!

JEFF
I don’t want to go back to the life I had. I like it here.

MADISON
Shah. With no technology, no Starbucks and where no one is PC?!

JEFF
That stuff’s overrated.

MADISON
Says the cis white guy.

JEFF
If you figured out how to go back, why don’t you just go back?

MADISON
I can’t without you!

JEFF
Well… try.

MADISON
I did. I literally can’t without you. I think we’re linked or something.

JEFF
Ah, see? Once again Madison only involves me if it will first serve Madison.

MADISON
It serves both of us. C’mon, what am I supposed to do? Become a makeup influencer in the 1940s? “Hey, ladies, get the latest in lead based foundation.”

JEFF
Find a way to make the best of it.

MADISON
Fine. You leave me no choice! Hey, everybody! It’s Madison! Time for another Madison Makeup live stream!

JEFF
You can’t live stream! You have no Wifi!

MADISON
Rules? We time traveled. There are no rules! You see Jeff in the background there. Say, hi, Jeff!

JEFF
No! Madison, stop it!

MADISON
Geez, stop moving! I can’t keep you in frame!

JEFF
Gimme that phone!

MADISON
No! Ah! Jeff, gimme it back!

JEFF
Whoop! The video ended. Aw, that’s too bad. It looks like we’re still here.

MADISON
Dang it! I was sure it would work if we were together.

JEFF
Based on what?

MADISON
I don’t know! This kinda stuff is only understood by nerds!

JEFF
Maybe the… “freaky-deaky” force that zapped us here, or whatever, could tell that I don’t wanna leave.

MADISON
You subconsciously sabotaged it?!

JEFF
Maybe you did. Maybe deep down you really love your husband.

MADISON
Nurse Blake? Ew, no. He’s so not my type.

JEFF
He does everything you want but takes nothing in return. That sounds exactly like your type.

MADISON
Oh, I never gave you anything in return? Are you forgetting all of those personal videos I texted you.

JEFF
That popped up on my work computer in the middle of a zoom call?

MADISON
Your boss only heard the audio. Wait! That’s it!

JEFF
What’s what?

MADISON
We need your phone, too! Where is it?

JEFF
I don’t have it.

MADISON
Yes, you do! You got it in this apartment somewhere!

JEFF
Stop going through my things!

MADISON
You’re a tech hoarder. You still have cables that went to your DVD player from 1998!

JEFF
Hey! Did you ever think that maybe the freaky deaky-stuff that sent us here wanted you to marry Blake?

MADISON
Oh, we’re already talking divorce.

JEFF
Did he say he was gonna give it to you?

MADISON
What, like permission? He’s not gonna have a choice.

JEFF
It’s the 1940s, Madison. If the divorce isn’t mutual, you have to prove “fault” or you can’t legally divorce.

MADISON
What kind of B.S. is that? Ah-ha! I found your phone! And it’s fully charged? Now, how did that happen if you love the past so much?

JEFF
Give that to me!

MADISON
You wanna go back as bad as I do.

JEFF
What if we can’t as long as you’re married to Blake?

MADISON
“We”?

JEFF
I misspoke. There isn’t a “we” because I am not gonna come between you and your husband.

MADISON
Then I’ll get the divorce. You don’t think I can make his life a living Hell so he’ll be begging me for a divorce?

JEFF
Of that, I have no doubt. But you’ve got to understand my position. I could never go back with you if I thought either one of us was meant to be here.

MADISON
And right now I’m the only one tied here?

JEFF
I’ll see you again when you’re free. Then, I don’t know… maybe there’ll be a “we.”

MADISON
Oh, I’ll get rid of him. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s chasing off men. At least that’s what my therapist says.

SCENE NINE

MADISON
Blake, you all right? It’s only a few more feet to the top.

BLAKE
I’m coming, sweetheart! Here I am, darling.

MADISON
Yup, here you are. The path was so steep and slippery I didn’t think you’d make it.

BLAKE
I nearly slid on those loose rocks halfway up. I got distracted. You were shouting something right then, weren’t you, dear?

MADISON
Uh… yeah… um, “Be careful.”

BLAKE
Was that it? It sounded more like you were telling me to hurry up.

MADISON
No! No, if you’d gone any faster… you might’ve fallen off the cliff.

BLAKE
Oh, Madison, the view is wonderful from here, isn’t it?

MADISON
Yeah. I guess.

BLAKE
With that nasty weather report this morning, I thought for sure you wouldn’t want to go hiking today.

MADISON
Why should seventy mile an hour winds stop our day out together?

BLAKE
Thankfully the wind had died down by the time we got here.

MADISON
Yeah… “thankfully.”

BLAKE
Being up here is like being alone in the world. Just the two of us. Oh, be careful, Madison! Don’t go so near the ledge. That canyon is four thousand feet deep if it’s an inch!

MADISON
Aw, the ledge is perfectly safe. Come over here and take a look at the valley below.

BLAKE
No, thank you. I’m fine right here.

MADISON
Ooo! Look, Blake! Mountain goats!

BLAKE
I didn’t think there were mountain goats in this part of the country.

MADISON
Well, I’m lookin’ at a bunch of ’em, right there.

BLAKE
Really?

MADISON
Oh! Look at those widdle-biddy baby goats!

BLAKE
I… I’m a little uneasy here on the ledge.

MADISON
Take my hand.

BLAKE
Alright. Looking down like this frightens me. Might be from having to parachute behind enemy lines during the war.

MADISON
Well, it’s not like there’re any Germans on the mountain.

BLAKE
No, of course not.

MADISON
Achtung!

BLAKE
Ah! Madison!

MADISON
Kidding! Kidding!

BLAKE
Madison, you definitely have a wonderful sense of humor.

MADISON
O.M.G.! Will you stop seeing the bright side of everything?!

BLAKE
What’s wrong? Is your head throbbing again?

MADISON
No! I’m fine. Stop… loving me so much!

BLAKE
Madison, why are you looking at me like that?

MADISON
I have spent the last month trying to make your life miserable! You said you hated seafood, I made you eat shrimp. You said you’re allergic to cats, I brought home a litter of kittens. You said you don’t like loud music! I invited a jazz trio to play in our living room!

BLAKE
To be fair, the jazz was very soothing.

MADISON
I know! Stupid 1940s. Where’s a heavy metal band when you need one.

BLAKE
Madison, I–

MADISON
Then I make you go hiking to the top of a mountain when I know you’re afraid of heights. At this point, I was hoping at least one of us would fall to our deaths. But no such luck. That’s it. I’m outta ideas.

BLAKE
You want to be rid of me that desperately?

MADISON
I just wanna go back home. To my home. With mocha lattes, iPhones and breathable underwear.

BLAKE
I had hoped you’d somehow remember, deep down, what we had together. But getting to know this version of you… well…

MADISON
I’m a bitch. It’s okay, you can say it. Whenever I get a drink at Starbucks, instead of my name, the barista simply writes, “bitch” on the cup. There’s never any argument who it’s for.

BLAKE
And, because I love you — the you I grew to know this past year–

MADISON
Bizarro World me.

BLAKE
Well, the one who would cook without cursing out the pots and pans before setting the kitchen on fire.

MADISON
Those curtains were heinous looking anyway.

BLAKE
I will grant you the divorce.

MADISON
You will?! And you totes don’t love me, right?

BLAKE
Oh, god, no! Not even a little bit. Frankly, I’m sick of being so nice to you all the time. I’d rather face the Nazis again than share a bathroom with you.

MADISON
Well, if you make it to my day, there’ll be plenty of Nazis.

BLAKE
What do you say we head back down this mountain and get a divorce?

MADISON
You’re not so bad, Blake. You’re gonna make some 1940’s girl who has no sense of self or life aspirations, really happy.

BLAKE
Thank you. Madison! I’m slipping!

MADISON
Grab my hand!

BLAKE
I can’t! Ahhh!

MADISON
Ooo. That’s… unfortunate. Hey. There really are goats down there.

SCENE TEN

JEFF
Madison! Why did you come back here?

MADISON
Ah-mazing news! Lemme in!

JEFF
Fine. Come inside.

MADISON
Blake and I broke up!

JEFF
What?

MADISON
And… then he fell off a mountain.

JEFF
Oh, my god, I’m… I’m so sorry to hear that.

MADISON
It is what it is. But now we both can go back to 2021!

JEFF
What?

MADISON
My ties to this old timey place are gone!

JEFF
Madison! What did you do?!

MADISON
Nothing! He just got to know the real me.

JEFF
So he leapt off the mountain.

MADISON
Ha-ha. Don’t worry. You and I are still gonna be broken up when we get back. But I get the flat-screen.

JEFF
I bought that flat-screen.

MADISON
And I watched it. Your point?

JEFF
It doesn’t matter. I’m not going back.

MADISON
Come on! You cannot tell me you actually like it here! We all talk about how the world was better before social media, but look around you! It wasn’t.

JEFF
Madison… I’ve met someone else recently.

MADISON
Someone else?

JEFF
Yes.

MADISON
From this era?

JEFF
Yes.

MADISON
You realize she’s older than your grandmother.

JEFF
Please, Madison, you’re making it so difficult for me.

MADISON
Oh, I’m making it difficult for you? I’m just over here trying to get us back to our real lives!

JEFF
How many times do I have to tell you I like my life here!

MADISON
Then you’re the reason we’re “tied” to this time! It was never about me and my whatever husband! Wow. Then it’s an extra bummer that Blake died.

JEFF
Madison! What’s the matter with you?

MADISON
What’s the matter with me?! We were zapped back in time! And I’m trying to get us out! But you’re having fun!

JEFF
Madison, I wish you well, but please, for both of our sakes, I never want to see you again.

MADISON
Oh, no! I am now stuck in this time because of you!

JEFF
You just need to get used to it! You’ll find a way to fit in like I have!

MADISON
As if! Come on. Get your phone out. Hey, everybody! It’s Madison!

JEFF
Stop it, gimme that phone!

MADISON
Open your phone, Jeff!

JEFF
No! I got rid of it!

MADISON
Liar! I bet it’s in your pocket!

JEFF
Get off me!

MADISON
Make me!

JEFF
Gladly!

MADISON
Dude! You’re… choking… me!

MALE NEIGHBOR
Open up in there!

FEMALE NEIGHBOR
Is everything all right? Someone call the police!

JEFF
You see? Neighbors in this era actually care about one another!

MADISON
Great! Let them in.

POLICE
Open up in there! This is the police!

JEFF
The cops!

MADISON
Damn. The police response time in this era is super fast.

POLICE
Open up or we’ll break in this door!

JEFF
What am I gonna do?

MADISON
Stop choking me would be a good start. C’mon, Jeff. The only way out is to be sent back… to the future.

JEFF
I thought you weren’t going to make that joke.

MADISON
You just deprived my brain of oxygen. Sorry if my jokes aren’t up to par.

POLICE
One more minute and we’re comin’ in!

MADISON
Jeff, we’re from an on-demand world. Can you really go from next-day delivery on Amazon to mail order catalogues?

POLICE
We’ll give ya till the count of three! One!

MADISON
Every song that’s ever been made available any time on Spotify?!

POLICE
Two!

MADISON
Texting someone instead of actually having to talk to them!

POLICE
Three!!

MADISON
Podcasts, Jeff! Podcasts!!!

JEFF
The fire escape! Let’s go!

MADISON
So you’ll come back with me?

POLICE
Stop! Hold it right there!

JEFF
Suck it, copper!

MADISON
I’ll take that as a, “yes.”

JEFF
Hurry up!

POLICE
They’re heading to the roof! I’ll follow them! Block all the exits!

MADISON
Ohmahgod. Jeff, what’re we doing up here?

JEFF
We’re going back. Come on. Do your live stream. Here.

MADISON
Your phone! You do have it!

JEFF
I… I couldn’t remember an actor from this movie I was thinking of and… I had no way of looking it up!

MADISON
Okay, here goes. Hey, everybody, it’s Madison.

POLICE
I see them! Stop or I’ll shoot!

MADISON
The cops!

JEFF
Don’t worry, they’re 1940’s police. They’re tame compared to police in our day.

MADISON
Nope! Exactly the same!

JEFF
Keep going, Madison!

MADISON
Um… Welcome to another makeup… tutorial…

POLICE
Come out with your hands up!

MADISON
You’ll notice my mascara isn’t flaking or running, even though we’re in the middle of a stand-off with the police.

POLICE
Both of ya! Come outta there!

MADISON
Jeff! I don’t know what to talk about!

JEFF
Something’s happening! Madison, keep going!

MADISON
Uh! If you’re like me, you don’t want to be shiny for your perp walk!

POLICE
We got you two surrounded!

JEFF
My phone! It’s connecting to WiFi!

MADISON
So’s mine! Damn. Look at all those updates I missed over the last year.

JEFF
Keep doing the live stream!!

MADISON
Uh… Try Maybelline Super Stay Full Coverage Powder Foundation! Ahhh!!! Jeff! I dropped my phone!

POLICE
All right, you! Don’t move!

MADISON
It didn’t work! Jeff! Jeff?!

POLICE
All right, Miss. Put your hands where I can see them and come along quietly.

MADISON
Jeff got zapped back but I’m still here?!

POLICE
Just take it easy, Miss.

MADISON
No! It’s not fair!

POLICE
Miss! Miss, come away from that ledge.

MADISON
Back off!

POLICE
We’re fifteen stories up!

MADISON
I’m not gonna stay in this old timey place!

POLICE
Don’t jump! Miss! Come on! Everything’s gonna be okay!

MADISON
I can’t stay here! No! Noooo!

POLICE
She jumped!

SCENE ELEVEN

MADISON
I can’t stay here! I can’t stay here!

BLAKE
Doctor, the patient’s recovering consciousness.

DR. SMITH
Yes, you’re right. She’s opening her eyes.

MADISON
Oh, my head hurts. New Year, new hangover.

DR. SMITH
Now, you must be quiet. You’ve been in a serious accident.

MADISON
Accident?

DR. SMITH
Yes. You were hit by an automobile New Year’s morning. Uh, would you mind telling me your name? There weren’t any identification papers in your handbag and we’d like to inform your relatives of what’s happened.

MADISON
My name? I… I can’t remember.

DR. SMITH
You mustn’t get excited. It’ll all come back. You received a fractured skull from the accident.

MADISON
The police were chasing me. Jeff went back… and I jumped off the building. I should’ve died, right?

DR. SMITH
You probably dreamed that while you were unconscious, but you’re all right now. Just need rest and quiet.

MADISON
Where am I?

DR. SMITH
You’re in the Park Hospital. You are suffering from amnesia.

BLAKE
Look, Doctor, her hangbag has the initials, “L.V.” on it.

DR. SMITH
“L.V.” Are those your initials? Can you remember?

MADISON
“L.V.”?

BLAKE
Perhaps we can call you… “Linda” for the “L” and, why not “Van Dyke” for the “V”?

JOE
That’s not her name.

DR. SMITH
You know this woman?

JOE
Yes. We were working the day watch out of Homicide Detail. My partner’s name is Madison Standish. My name’s Friday.

THE MYSTERIOUS TRAVELER
This is the Mysterious Traveler again. Have you enjoyed our little trip? Oh, by the way, I wanna wish you all a very Happy New Year, whatever year it is you celebrate. Enjoy your time while you have it. After all, who can foretell the future? Not even Madison Standish knows what’s in store for her… but we do, don’t we? And speaking of the future, I– Oh, you’re getting off here. I am sorry. But I’m sure we’ll meet again. I take this same train every week at this same time. And, uh… you always know where to find Madison. Even if she doesn’t.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Mysterious Traveler” was an anthology series written by Robert Arthur and David Kogan which focused on suspense and crime fiction with elements of horror and science-fiction. The series premiered on the Mutual Broadcasting System in 1943 and ran until September of 1952 creating nearly 400 episodes, of which only around 75 survive today. Each episode was book ended by the “Mysterious Traveler” himself, played by Maurice Tarplin, luring the audience into this tales. From the radio series, “The Mysterious Traveler” went on to magazines and comics, as well as two spin-off series “The Sealed Book” and “The Strange Dr. Weird” which utilized the “Mysterious Traveler” scripts. “The Mysterious Traveler” series is considered one of the most popular anthology series of the era, and has influenced writers for decades since.