MADISON ON THE AIR: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF NERO WOLFE “THE CASE OF THE SLAUGHTERED SANTAS”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: SEPT 2025

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, the ringing of that phone bell means mystery! Adventure!

MADISON
And probably extra work for me. Y’ello! Go for Madison.

WOLFE
Madison!

MADISON
I mean, Nero Wolfe’s office, Madison Standish speaking… Yeah, duh, I know it’s Christmas Eve, we do a Christmas episode every year… What? Who is this?… Ha, ha. Aren’t you kinda busy tonight? … Yeah, okay, sure, come over at eight. Later.

WOLFE
What the devil was that?

MADISON
You might be on the naughty list.

WOLFE
“Naughty” list?

MADISON
Santa Claus apparently wants to meet with you. In person.

WOLFE
You’ve been drinking.

MADISON
What does that gotta do with anything?

WOLFE
Just whom am I meeting with tonight?

MADISON
Santa Claus. He’s got a problem.

WOLFE
Indeed?

MADISON
Apparently, somebody’s goin’ around slaughtering Santa Clauses. I’m putting my money on Rudolph.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the bulkiest, balkiest, smartest, and most unpredictable detective in the world! That chair-borne genius, Nero Wolfe!

MADISON
What the Announcer-Dude means is, Nero Wolfe is like, 300 pounds. And they kinda make that his defining characteristic. Rude, I know. But, he’s also like, a brilliant detective. However, he doesn’t like to leave his house, so he makes his assistant, Archie, do all the legwork for him. Well, Archie asked me to cover for him for the holidays. Told me it’s the slow period and I’d totes be paid to just like, sit around. Which was true until we got that call from Ol’ Saint Nick. What Wolfe eventually dubbed, “The Case of the Slaughtered Santas” started earlier than eight that Christmas Eve, though. It began, to be precise, on the corner of Thirty-Fourth Street and Carlisle. It was close to six P.M. The weather was bitter cold and the sky was already dark.

OFFICER
Hey, how you doing, Turner?

TURNER
I’m freezin’ to death, officer.

OFFICER
It’s a cold day. Packin’ up?

TURNER
Yeah, I guess so. It’s Christmas Eve. Not many people around any more. All headin’ for home and hearth.

OFFICER
How was the collection?

TURNER
Well, I don’t need no armored car, but a few dozen kids are gonna have somethin’ for their Christmas stockin’s.

OFFICER
Your competition, the guy on the opposite corner, he already scrammed.

TURNER
Maybe he’s the real Santa. How ’bout givin’ me a hand to get the collection pot off the chains there?

OFFICER
Sure. Here you go.

TURNER
Thanks.

OFFICER
I’ll just walk you down the block. Gotta phone in.

TURNER
Okay, fine.

OFFICER
Look over there. One Santa’s still left. Wonder what he’s waitin’ for.

TURNER
Maybe his reindeer are late.

OFFICER
Yeah. Now, watch yourself goin’ down those chimneys.

TURNER
Sure, sure. Well, I’ll cut across the avenue here. Be seein’ ya!

OFFICER
Hey! Turner! That car comin’ down the street got its lights out! Look out!!

TURNER
Hey! Stop! Ahhh!!!

SCENE TWO

MIKE
Hey, Peg?

PEG
Yeah?

MIKE
D’I ever tell you I love ya?

PEG
Aw, it’s not me you love. It’s the hot soup.

MIKE
Ahhh, now, you’re not the only woman who can cook a dish of soup.

PEG
That right?

MIKE
It helps, though. I’m just beginning to thaw out.

PEG
Yeah, that’s a cold corner you play Santa Claus on.

MIKE
Well, it don’t hurt to make a few bucks. I ain’t done so good this past year. Well, maybe the next year will be– Oh, well. ‘Sides, I kind of like it, you know. Kids askin’ questions all day long.

PEG
That’s sweet.

MIKE
Say, uh… We got any… egg nog? I mean, it is Christmas Eve.

PEG
Not unless you finish all your soup.

MIKE
I’m finished, I’m finished!

PEG
Okay, I’ll heat it up for ya.

MIKE
Peg, you know one of them other Santas got hit by a car tonight.

PEG
He did?

MIKE
Yeah, he packed up few minutes before I did, started crossin’ the avenue, and bang! You know, hit-and-run driver.

PEG
Was he hurt?

MIKE
Yeah, he was killed.

PEG
Oh, gosh, that’s too bad. Here’s your egg nog. Such a shame. But with traffic the way it is nowadays.

MIKE
Somebody at the door. I’ll get it.

PEG
Okay, Mike.

MIKE
Yeah? Can I help ya?

PEG
Michael? Mike!

SCENE THREE

MADISON
Mr. Wolfe?

WOLFE
Yes, Madison?

MADISON
I’ve been thinking…

WOLFE
Good heavens.

MADISON
Well, if you’re gonna be that way, I’ll just go ahead and read what they wrote in the original script.

WOLFE
What’s that? That I’d make a wonderful “Santa Claus” because of my physical stature?

MADISON
Which I think is insensitive and rude.

WOLFE
So you were thinking about censoring it?

MADISON
Well, yeah.

WOLFE
Projecting your own sensitivities onto me is as much of an insult as the original comment.

MADISON
What do you mean?

WOLFE
You prescribe to me how you think I should react to something, rather than allowing me to have my own response. Is that not true?

MADISON
But it’s fat shaming.

WOLFE
“Fat shaming,” is it? To say my physique is similar to that of a jolly man whom most of the world adores?

MADISON
But I have no right to even refer to your… physique.

WOLFE
Much like I had no right to made a snide remark to your saying you were “thinking.”

MADISON
Yeah!

WOLFE
Welcome to comedy writing, my dear. Feelings may get hurt. Ah. That’s the front door.

MADISON
Okay, wait, I’m confused–

WOLFE
I’m sure that happens often. You might see who’s at the door.

MADISON
I mean, I’m right, right? It’s a fat joke. That’s totally insensitive. He’s old. My generation understands this stuff. He doesn’t know anything. Yeah? Ooo! Santa Baby! I’ve been an awful good girl.

BARTON
I dislike dawdling on anyone’s doorstep.

MADISON
Then hurry down the chimney tonight.

BARTON
May I come in?

MADISON
C’mon in. Geez, attitude much? Some kid sit on your lap and dampen your holiday spirit?

BARTON
Mr. Wolfe has been warned of my arrival?

MADISON
Yeah. He’s even left out milk and cookies. Mr. Wolfe, this is… dun, dun, duhhhh! Santa Claus! A hushed murmur befalls the crowd.

BARTON
My name is Barton. John Barton.

WOLFE
How do you do, sir?

BARTON
I have no time for the social graces, Mr. Wolfe.

MADISON
It’s Santa! Ohmygod, it’s really Santa!

BARTON
Or this… girl.

WOLFE
I apologize, Mr. Barton. Even the real Kris Kringle couldn’t be jolly around her.

MADISON
Are you kidding? My specialty is sitting on men’s laps.

BARTON
Please! I am about to be murdered!

MADISON
You piss off some elves?

BARTON
I am being serious. I’m a frightened man, Mr. Wolfe.

WOLFE
Indeed?

BARTON
This… this costume you see me in is responsible for it all.

WOLFE
Then why are you in it?

BARTON
I had a notion it might be… well, entertaining to play Santa Claus in public. I’m a wealthy man, sir. I can afford to have whims. Therefore, I have assumed this masquerade. However, it apparently…is going to be the death of me.

MADISON
I got death threats when I played Cinderella! I was supposed to win over the handsome prince, right? But you’d be surprised how many of them have jealous girlfriends.

WOLFE
Mister Barton, you have adequately conveyed an atmosphere and an emotion. And Madison, you have pointlessly interrupted.

MADISON
You’re welcome.

WOLFE
And again. Now, Mr. Barton, I suggest you concentrate on the facts.

BARTON
Very well. I have been acting as Santa Claus for the Tuberculosis Fund. My station is the corner of Thirty-Fourth Street and Carlisle Avenue. I might add, the northeast corner.

WOLFE
Why?

BARTON
Because at that intersection there have been two other Santa Clauses. One on the southeast corner, and one on the southwest corner.

WOLFE
Three Santa Clauses then, on three corners?

MADISON
What are you, Starbucks?

BARTON
Earlier tonight, the man on the southwest corner started home. He was crossing the avenue when he was run down and killed by an automobile.

MADISON
That driver is so on the naughty list.

WOLFE
Bah. A regrettable accident.

BARTON
The car was running without lights. It deliberately ran the fellow down and then vanished. Not an accident, Mr. Wolfe.

WOLFE
You saw this yourself?

BARTON
I did. One Santa Claus dead. Now, the Santa on the southeast corner got home all right. However, according to the radio news flash, that’s where he was killed — by bullets.

MADISON
Dude! Santa’s not even safe at the North Pole!

WOLFE
Coincidence.

BARTON
Possibly. But, I don’t want to risk my life on that chance. I’ll write you a check as a retainer, then hurry along home. I’m late now.

WOLFE
No.

BARTON
I beg your pardon?

WOLFE
You will neither hurry home nor notify anyone at your home of your whereabouts.

BARTON
But–

WOLFE
You’ll remain here.

MADISON
Are we illegally detaining Santa Claus?

WOLFE
The house is well guarded.

MADISON
By the… National Guard?

WOLFE
I insist you stay until such time as I think it’s safe for you to leave.

BARTON
I– I can’t do that.

WOLFE
In which case, I cannot accept you as a client.

BARTON
I fail to understand.

MADISON
I get it! Santa won’t be safe until they finally release the Naughty Files! I mean Naughty List.

BARTON
What?

WOLFE
Mr. Barton, it is very easy to murder someone. Avoiding the consequences of such an action is something else again. However, I’m assuming that you’re not primarily interested in what happens to your murderer after you’re dead?

BARTON
Of course not.

WOLFE
Therefore, you will remain here. Madison?

MADISON
Yeah?

WOLFE
First, go to the corner of Thirty-Fourth and Carlisle. I want a complete report.

BARTON
But that’s nonsense. The corner will be deserted now.

MADISON
He’s right! It’s night now. I won’t find Saint Nick, in that neighborhood all I’ll find are cheap tricks. Heh-heh– “I want you to want me…”

WOLFE
Mr. Barton, you’re hiring my intelligence. You will therefore permit me to use it as I see fit. A complete report, Madison.

MADISON
Like, with footnotes?

WOLFE
Then you will visit Inspector Cramer at headquarters. You will, in whatever manner you find effective, collect all the police information about the two already-murdered Santas.

MADISON
“Manner I find effective”? I’m gonna need a lower cut sweater.

WOLFE
Your levity is ill-timed.

MADISON
Who’s levit-ing? It’s effective.

WOLFE
And on your way home, Madison, you might stop in at Mr. Barton’s place.

BARTON
I don’t see any purpose in that.

WOLFE
Mr. Barton, there is a basic problem to which we must find an answer: whether those two men were murdered because they were Santa Clauses — or because their deaths were merely preliminaries to yours. Madison, I suggest haste.

MADISON
Haste makes waste.

WOLFE
Please don’t make me reply with a barb against your intelligence. The subject lacks challenge.

MADISON
Fat-ass!

WOLFE
Ah! There might be hope for her yet.

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Okay, here we are. Thirty-Fourth and Carlisle. Empty. Geez it’s freezin’ out here. This has gotta be one of the worst holiday jobs I’ve ever had. Well, except that year my brother convinced me to be a door-to-door Christmas tree salesman. Lugging those heavy Boston Firs all over Beverly Hills. No one wanted ’em! And because I smelled like sap, I had little rich dogs peeing down on my leg.

MR. B
Hey, lady?

MADISON
Not for sale.

MR. B
What’s not for sale?

MADISON
Any part of me.

MR. B
I was hopin’ maybe you got the price of a cup o’ coffee?

MADISON
The price? Uh… hard to say in this era. But I usually pay about seven fifty for my mocha lattes.

MR. B
Uh… I was thinkin’ more along the lines of two bits.

MADISON
Two bits of what?

MR. B
Either you’re gonna dig it up or you ain’t.

MADISON
Dig two bits of what up? And what’s it got to do with coffee?

MR. B
I’m askin’ ya for a quarter, lady!

MADISON
You are? Oh, dude, you suck at panhandling.

MR. B
I asked for a quarter, not a critique.

MADISON
You’re also very rude.

MR. B
This is the hardest I’ve ever worked for two bits in my life.

MADISON
Okay, here’s a quarter. Merry Christmas.

MR. B
Yeah. And a Happy New Years to you!

MADISON
Aw. Being hit up for money on the street by some nasty dirty guy. If he smelled like pot and threw up on my shoes, it’d be like I was back in L.A.”I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams”

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
Great. Stop number two at the police station and it sounds like Applebee’s during the Super Bowl. I just hope they don’t try grabbin’ me thinking they’re at Hooters. Like, I expect more than minimum wage if my job involves groping.

CRAMER
If all you reporters’ll shut up and ask your questions one by one, I’ll answer ’em!

1ST REPORTER
Inspector Cramer, is it true a couple of Santa Clauses have been knocked off tonight?

CRAMER
It’s true that two men who have been employed as Santa Claus by charitable organizations have been murdered, yes.

2ND REPORTER
Any connection between those two guys, or does somebody just hate Santa Claus?

CRAMER
Well, so far as we know, there is no connection.

MADISON
That means it could be maybe some kind of maniac who decided he doesn’t like Christmas or Santa Clauses! The Grinch who murdered Christmas!

CRAMER
The department is investigating along those lines.

2ND REPORTER
Like how?

CRAMER
Well, we’re checkin’ all the local asylums for possible escaped lunatics.

MADISON
Okay, but what if the crazy dude was never in an asylum? Like I just ran into a guy on the street who thought he could get a cup of coffee for a quarter! He’s crazy, right?

CRAMER
That’ll be all, boys.

1ST REPORTER
Oh, but Inspector! What about–

CRAMER
I said that’ll be all! Now, anything new comes in, you’ll get it, understand? Good day, gentlemen! Hey, little lady! C’mere.

MADISON
Hello, Inspector.

CRAMER
I spotted you comin’ in. I haven’t seen you ’round before. What rag’s gotcha coverin’ this beat?

MADISON
Could you rephrase that in the form of English?

CRAMER
What newspaper do you work for?

MADISON
Oh! I’m not a reporter. But by the looks of your press corp, your newspapers around here could stand a little D.E.I., heavy on the “D.”

CRAMER
Okay, so you don’t work for a newspaper.

MADISON
I mean, seriously, you got a lotta crackers in that barrel, ya know what I’m sayin’?

CRAMER
Then what are you doin’ here?

MADISON
I’m Madison Standish. I’m working for Nero Wolfe. And he and I object to Santa Clauses being killed.

CRAMER
Nuts.

MADISON
Hey! Be careful what you say! Some people are allergic to nuts.

CRAMER
I think we’re done here.

MADISON
What more can you tell me about these murders? Taking note of my extremely low cut Christmas sweater.

CRAMER
What about the sweater?

MADISON
It helps me jingle… all the way.

CRAMER
Look, I got no more information on the case than I already stated for the press.

MADISON
The sweater didn’t do it for you?

CRAMER
Kindly see yourself out, huh?

MADISON
Damn. My low cut Christmas sweater wasn’t effective? Am I losing my appeal like some haggard thirty year-old? No wonder ugly people get depressed around Christmas.

SCENE SIX

LAURA
Yes?

MADISON
Trick or Treat!

LAURA
I beg your pardon?

MADISON
I know so many people who want to celebrate Halloween year round. But that was weird, wasn’t it?

LAURA
Uh… how may I help you?

MADISON
Mind if I come in? I’m from L.A. and prefer when snow is a novelty up in the mountains. This every day cold and snow? Mm-mmm. Unsubscribe.

LAURA
Oh, I’m sorry. Please, come in.Miss…?

MADISON
Madison Standish. You the maid or something?

LAURA
No, I’m Laura Barton.

MADISON
I thought you were dressed too nice. Place like this should have a butler, shouldn’t it? My mom always wanted to have a butler to answer the door. She thought that would be really high class. So she trained our dog to open the door. But one time it was the mailman and, well, let’s just say we lost postal service for a year.

LAURA
We, uh, do have a butler, Pleasant. But I’m not sure where he is at the moment.

MADISON
Didn’t you give him off for Christmas Eve?

LAURA
Uh, no. He usually visits family for Christmas Day.

MADISON
Wait, you said Laura Barton? Mrs. Laura Barton?

LAURA
No.

MADISON
Good. I thought you were too young for John Barton, but ya never know with gold diggers.

LAURA
I am his niece.

MADISON
His niece? And you live here?

LAURA
Yes.

MADISON
His grown niece living with him? Is that a rich person thing? Like, there are so many stories with adult nieces or nephews living with their rich aunts and uncles. This is not a world I know. My aunt has a one bedroom condo in the valley. uck.

STEVENS
Laura, I was wondering if we had– Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you had a guest.

LAURA
Not my guest, Uncle.

STEVENS
No? Then what does she want?

LAURA
Well, I don’t know.

MADISON
Wait, this guy’s your uncle? I thought John Barton was your uncle.

STEVENS
John Barton is my half-brother.

MADISON
And you live here, too?

STEVENS
Yes.

MADISON
I really am missing out not having a rich family member to live off of.

STEVENS
Laura and I seem to be doing all the answering. How about your answering some questions? Starting with, who you are?

MADISON
Madison Standish.

STEVENS
Wayne Stevens. Now that we’ve become acquainted, what do you want?

MADISON
For Christmas? I would love a new iPhone. I haven’t been able to upgrade since I got zapped into these old timey radio shows.

STEVENS
What?

MADISON
And then for a stocking stuffer, how about some WiFi so I can actually use it?

STEVENS
I think you’ve knocked on the wrong door. Laura, see her out.

MADISON
No, wait, hang on! I came to see Mr. Barton.

STEVENS
He’s not at home. What did you want with him?

MADISON
Conversation.

STEVENS
About?

MADISON
About him having a spare room so I can move in?

LAURA
Miss Standish, you must have some reason for coming here. Some reason concerning my uncle?

STEVENS
Laura, you’re being imaginative.

LAURA
Well, Uncle John is late.

STEVENS
He’s probably still on that street corner playing Santa Claus. He enjoys it.

LAURA
I know, except…

MADISON
Except he’s never been this late before?

STEVENS
Well, no. Not since he started that masquerade of his. Laura, did you ask Pleasant?

LAURA
No. He’s not here.

STEVENS
Well, that’s just typical.

MADISON
Yes. It’s so hard to find good people to overwork and underpay these days.

STEVENS
Pleasant is probably in his room getting drunk. He likes to look on the wine when it’s red. Or even when it’s white.

MADISON
He’s home? Can I speak with him?

STEVENS
Er, no. I take that back. Now that I think of it, he prefers Irish whiskey. We don’t stock it, so he goes out.

MADISON
Sounds like if you treated him better, he wouldn’t feel the need to self medicate with whiskey. But, what do I know? I’ve never lived off of a rich relative. I’m still excited to get the five dollar bill in my birthday card from my aunt. Well, later!

STEVENS
Good night.

LAURA
Uh, I’ll see you out. The front walk can be icy this time of year.

MADISON
You guys should salt your front walk. ‘Cuz that’s just a lawsuit waiting to happen. I should know. I’ve filed a lot of ’em.

LAURA
Miss Standish, you must know something about Uncle John. Something you didn’t want to tell us.

MADISON
Why would you say that?

LAURA
Well, otherwise your visit was just pointless.

MADISON
Congratulations! You’ve discovered the secret of life.

LAURA
I have?

MADISON
Everything is “just pointless.”

LAURA
That’s very pessimistic.

MADISON
Maybe I’ll feel differently when I find my own rich uncle.

LAURA
You needn’t be nasty. I’m truly worried for my uncle.

MADISON
Maybe he stopped off to have a whiskey with your butler.

LAURA
Uncle John doesn’t drink. He’s very responsible and reliable. When I say it’s not like him to be late getting home, I mean it.

MADISON
Okay, okay, okay. Um… this is a free country. If you were to say… follow me, I couldn’t stop you.

LAURA
I’ll go get my coat!

MADISON
I’ll be at the end of the drive. Maybe turning right.

LAURA
Thank you, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Or I maybe turning left. I really don’t know the way back from here.

SCENE SEVEN

WOLFE
Is that you, Madison?

MADISON
Yeah!

WOLFE
Well, it certainly took you long enough.

MADISON
If my iPhone could connect to GPS, I wouldn’t keep getting lost. Hey, where’s Santa?

WOLFE
Guest room. He was tired. Now, your report?

MADISON
First I gotta say, I was followed home.

WOLFE
Followed?

MADISON
She’s really cute and it’s so cold out there tonight, I couldn’t bare to leave her whining on the front step.

WOLFE
Nothing doing. I abhor dogs.

MADISON
Good. Because it’s not a dog. It’s a woman.

WOLFE
Phooey.

MADISON
I can give her a bowl of kibble, but she might freeze to death out there.

WOLFE
That’s her problem. Your report, Madison.

MADISON
Daymn. You’re so cold, I might freeze to death in here!

WOLFE
The sooner I get the report, the sooner you can let your little stray inside.

MADISON
Okay, fine. Um, the corner of Thirty-Fourth and Carlisle is totes dead at night. Nobody around except for some guy who wanted twenty-five cents for a coffee.

WOLFE
You will not put that quarter on the expense account.

MADISON
I’ll cover it. I consider coffee humanitarian aide.

WOLFE
Nothing else?

MADISON
Uh… there were four corners.

WOLFE
Brilliant investigative work.

MADISON
I’d tell you to stop jumping in and interrupting, but it’s the most exercise you’ve gotten all day.

WOLFE
You’re getting better at this.

MADISON
Corner number one had a toy shop. Corner number two, shoe store. And some of the shoes they had were so cute! These little shorty winter boots with a heel and faux fur–

WOLFE
Madison.

MADISON
Third corner, drug store and — drum roll please — the fourth corner had a bank on it.

WOLFE
A bank? Interesting. And Inspector Cramer’s information consisted of–?

MADISON
Not much. No connection between the two murdered Santas.

WOLFE
Except for the fact that they were both playing Santa Claus.

MADISON
Well, yah, given.

WOLFE
So your means of extracting more information from the police was not very effective, then, eh?

MADISON
I went in with my low cut sweater. Maybe he plays for the other team.

WOLFE
And the Barton home?

MADISON
Gorgeous. Vaulted ceilings, marble floors, mahogany staircase–

WOLFE
Any information outside of what was written in Architectural Digest.

MADISON
Butler’s a drunk, Barton is never late, and his niece and half-brother live off of him.

WOLFE
Did you get any of their names or is that too much for me to ask?

MADISON
Pleasant, Laura, Stevens.

WOLFE
What do I care if Laura Stevens is “pleasant”?

MADISON
No, the butler is Pleasant–

WOLFE
I asked for their names, not their personalities! Try rubbing those two brain cells you have together and actually answer my question!

MADISON
Listen to me! The butler is Pleasant–

WOLFE
You’re trying to frustrate me into letting the girl in. I assume it was the niece who followed you here?

MADISON
Well, yeah.

WOLFE
Fine. Go let her in.

MADISON
He’s super cranky. He must’ve missed Second Breakfast.

MADISON
Laura? Laura!

LAURA
Yes?

MADISON
Oh. For a second there I thought that statue was you frozen like by the White Witch in Narnia.

LAURA
It’s a statue of a horse.

MADISON
You could be a centaur.

WOLFE
Hurry up, Madison! I haven’t got all night.

MADISON
Laura Barton, the always fat but never jolly, Mr. Nero Wolfe.

WOLFE
All right, you’re getting a bit too free with those comments now.

MADISON
You encouraged me to be a mean girl. I can’t just turn it off.

LAURA
Er… How do you do, Mr. Wolfe?

WOLFE
How much money do you inherit on the death of your uncle?

LAURA
What?

WOLFE
That is known as the shock treatment. However, I need an answer.

LAURA
Uncle John isn’t dead, is he?

MADISON
What makes you think he’s dead?

WOLFE
Madison, that is not the line of questioning I am pursuing.

MADISON
What makes you think you shouldn’t pursue it?

WOLFE
Answer the question, Miss Barton. How much?

LAURA
Half his estate.

WOLFE
And the other half?

LAURA
My other uncle, Wayne Stevens. Uncle John’s half-brother.

WOLFE
Very well. Madison, will you go upstairs and inform Mr. Barton that his niece is here?

LAURA
Uncle is… here?

MADISON
Yeah. And truth be told, he’s a pretty snooty Santa. Like I think he’d demand name brand cookies. “They want me to give them toys but instead of Oreos they left me Hydrox?! Next house, Rudolph!”

SCENE EIGHT

BARTON
Yes?

MADISON
It’s Madison, Santa. Time to bring joy to all the little girls and boys!

BARTON
What exactly do you mean?

MADISON
Wolfe wants you to come downstairs. You have a special guest.

BARTON
Guest? What guest? I did as Mr. Wolfe instructed. I told no one where I was.

MADISON
But your niece followed me here.

BARTON
My niece?

MADISON
Yeah. And while I have you, you think you can find space for another young blonde? I don’t take up much room! I just require a personal chef. A gun? Geez! A simple “No” would suffice.

BARTON
I always carry a revolver. A man of my wealth can’t take chances.

MADISON
I’ve had worse landlords.

BARTON
Turn around, Miss Standish.

MADISON
If you’re sizing up my ass, I won’t trade sex for rent. Not again. Couldn’t exactly get a receipt so when the jerk evicted me, no legal recourse.

BARTON
Miss Standish…

MADISON
What I can offer you is my coming down to breakfast in just a bra and panties. Deal?

BARTON
No! You and Mr. Wolfe were supposed to be protecting me.

MADISON
Um… we are. Hence the accommodations in Wolfe’s house. Might not be as fancy as your place, but at mine the pipes keep freezing. My landlord told me water is a “seasonal utility.”

BARTON
But you let that girl into this house! If I had the time, I’d be amused. As it is–

MADISON
Bad Santa!

SCENE NINE

WOLFE
Madison! Have you been drinking?

MADISON
I don’t think so. Usually the headache comes the next morning.

LAURA
Your head!

WOLFE
Good heavens, that’s some welt.

MADISON
Yeah. Santa Claus came early. And you know men hate to come early.

WOLFE
You had better sit.

MADISON
If you don’t mind my not getting up again for the rest of the episode.

LAURA
Should we get her some ice?

WOLFE
Good idea. Madison, don’t sit down. Get yourself some ice first.

MADISON
Wow. You won’t even get out of that chair to walk five feet into the kitchen?

WOLFE
Why should I? You’re already standing.

MADISON
I guess you need a dinner bell as inspiration.

WOLFE
And here I was refraining from any comments about how little damage you would sustain from a knock to your head.

LAURA
I can get the ice for you.

MADISON
Nah. You got bigger problems. After your uncle hit me, he took off.

WOLFE
Indeed?

LAURA
Oh, no!

MADISON
Yeah. Must’ve used the back staircase.

WOLFE
Did he offer a reason for his peculiar behavior?

MADISON
Her.

LAURA
Me?

WOLFE
Interesting.

LAURA
I– I don’t understand. Uncle John wouldn’t do–

WOLFE
Uncle John apparently has done. He also, it would appear, fancies himself in costume.

MADISON
Like a drag queen?

LAURA
Well, he used to be very much interested in the stage. He acted for a while, a long time ago, till the family objected.

MADISON
To him being a drag queen.

WOLFE
Madison?

MADISON
The phone is literally arm’s length in front of you on the desk.

WOLFE
I’m not paying you so I can answer my own phone.

MADISON
Y’ello. Nero Wolfe’s office. The slightly concussed Madison Standish speaking.

CRAMER
Oh, so you do work for Nero Wolfe. Good to know. This is Inspector Cramer. Let me have Wolfe.

MADISON
It’s Inspector Cramer. Could I get that ice now? And maybe some aspirin?

WOLFE
Just wait there. I may need you.Yes, inspector?

CRAMER
You’re workin’ on the Santa Claus case, aren’t you?

WOLFE
A possibility.

CRAMER
You didn’t send that girl down to headquarters on a possibility. Now look, uh, if it doesn’t strain your professional ethics, you might be able to help.

WOLFE
How?

CRAMER
There’s a bank on the corner of Thirty-Fourth Street and Carlisle. We got the thought that a gang is preparin’ to take that bank tomorrow morning. Those Santa Clauses have been on the corner for nearly a week now. They might have noticed something about the bank’s routine — guards or what-have-you — that could interfere with the gang’s plan.

WOLFE
I have, at the moment, no opinion.

CRAMER
That’s all you’re gonna give us?

WOLFE
At the moment. However, Inspector, in a very little while I shall give you–the murderer. Madison? Miss Barton will remain here with me. As for you–

MADISON
I should rest in case I’ve suffered brain damage?

WOLFE
If that were the case, how would any of us be able to tell?

MADISON
I’m gonna lock the refrigerator. Then we can see how clever you are.

WOLFE
You’ll return to Thirty-Fourth Street and find our coffee-loving friend.

MADISON
You’re sending me on a coffee run?

WOLFE
I’m sending you to find the panhandler who asked you for money for coffee.

MADISON
But I could still go on a coffee run? A mocha latte would sure help the bump on my head.

WOLFE
You may return here with coffee as long as you also return here with the panhandler.

MADISON
A minute ago you got upset thinking I brought home a stray dog, but you’re good with me bringing home some crazy lunatic?

WOLFE
Well, chances are he’s housebroken.

MADISON
You are clearly not acquainted with crazy lunatics.

SCENE TEN

MADISON
Hey, excuse me…

MR. B
Yeah?

MADISON
Oh, thank god, finally.

MR. B
Finally? Finally what?

MADISON
I finally found you. Do you know what it’s like to be a young beautiful woman tasked with approaching every guy standing alone on the streets of New York City?

MR.
Wait. I’ve seen you before. I thought you said you weren’t for sale.

MADISON
I’m not. But tonight I’ve gotten some very interesting offers. One involved gold, frankincense and myrrh. It was a bit sacrilegious for this time of year, but intriguing.

MR. B
So, were you lookin’ for me or not?

MADISON
Why are all the guys so cranky in this episode? It’s Christmas. Where’s the Christmas Spirit?

MR. B
If you’re here to give me a Christmas miracle, I don’t need it.

MADISON
It would be a Christmas miracle if you showered, but that’s not why I was looking for you. I need you to come with me.

MR. B
Is that so?

MADISON
Aw, what? You’ve got a gun, too? All right. I’m officially annoyed.

MADISON
Drop it! Drop… it..

MR. B
Let go of me, will you? Ow! You slapped my face!

MADISON
Worked, didn’t it?

MR. B
You’re wearing some really sharp rings.

MADISON
And you’ve got a really nice gun. Gold plated with mother-of-pearl? For a panhandler?

MR. B
It was a Christmas gift.

MADISON
Gift, huh? Let’s see. Ah. Bullets included. That was thoughtful. All right, looks like you’re coming with me.

MR. B
Why should I?

MADISON
Besides the gun pointed at you? Well, how ’bout because my boss will fire me at Christmas. And that’s sad, right? And you don’t want the girl with the gun to be sad.

MR. B
Who’s your boss?

MADISON
Nero Wolfe.

MR. B
Nero Wolfe? Well… why does he want to see me?

MADISON
He’s shy a wiseman for his Nativity Scene. Now, come on. Along that note, what do you know anything about the erotic qualities of myrrh?

MR. B
Myrrh?

MADISON
Yeah. According to that other guy, I was gonna experience a very Holy Night.

SCENE ELEVEN

WOLFE
That you, Madison?

MADISON
Yup!

WOLFE
Hurry, we have guests waiting.

MADISON
Christmas guests? Oh, Laura’s other uncle. I thought you might be staying home waiting for the arrival of three ghosts.

STEVENS
Laura rung me. We’re both terribly worried about John.

MADISON
So worried that at your place you gave me the bums rush? Oh, no offense.

MR. B
Why did you direct that at me?

MADISON
Would you like a mirror?

WOLFE
Ah! I see you were able to procure the coffee aficionado from Thirty-Fourth and Carlisle.

MADISON
Dude came armed. And this isn’t a Red Rider B.B. gun. You’ll shoot your brains out.

WOLFE
Won’t you join us and sit down, sir?

MR. B
I don’t have to.

MADISON
I really don’t think you want him on the furniture.

STEVENS
Wolfe, what does all this have to do with my brother?

WOLFE
John Barton played Santa Claus all week on one of the corners of Thirty-Fourth Street and Carlisle.

STEVENS
We know that.

WOLFE
Bare with me, if you would, Mr. Stevens. I’m setting the scene.

MADISON
Then you don’t mind if I sit down? I feel like this is gonna be longer than when Mary went into labor.

WOLFE
Everyone sit down so I may solve this case!

MR. B
I’m still not sitting!

MADISON
C’mon. Those crappy old shoes must be hurting your feet.

MR. B
They’re not!

MADISON
Actually, those a pretty nice looking shoes. Italian leather?

MR. B
What do I know from Italians?

WOLFE
If I may continue! Now, on two other corners, two other men indulged in the same Santa Claus activity. Those two other men are now dead.

LAURA
Oh, no! Uncle!

STEVENS
Wait a second, Mr. Wolfe. You mean they were killed by mistake — for John?

WOLFE
It is true that one man made up as Santa Claus looks very much like any other man similarly costumed. But the answer is no. One of the two men was shot in his home after he had removed his costume.

MADISON
He was shot in his underwear?!

WOLFE
Presumably not. He was shot while answering the door.

MADISON
I’ve answered the door in my underwear. I figure after driving around all day, those Uber Eats guys deserve a treat.

LAURA
But, then… what’s the connection, Mr. Wolfe?

WOLFE
Miss Barton, in the event that you wanted to hide a tree, where would you hide it?

LAURA
Hide a tree? Why, I wouldn’t even begin to know.

MADISON
In a forest!

WOLFE
Ah, very good, Madison.

MADISON
The Saint used that same analogy in our episode together. Episode fifteen. “The Corpse Said Ouch.” Any of you heard it?

LAURA/STEVENS
No.

MR. B
Uh, maybe.

WOLFE
I’d like to continue with this episode, if it’s not too much to ask. Now, if you wanted to hide a murder, you’d adopt the same principle.

LAURA
Wait! You mean that if someone wanted to kill Uncle John and didn’t want to be suspected, he’d…?

WOLFE
He’d go about murdering several people with an ostensible, if lunatic, reason. He would, let us say, go about killing Santa Clauses.

MADISON
Oh, oh, oh! I get it! So then people would think the man the murderer really wanted dead had just been a random victim lumped in with all the others.

WOLFE
True. That was why–

MADISON
That’s how I got Lissa Clark kicked off the cheerleading squad. I hated that my BFF, Andrea, got swept up in the “Nair in the Shampoo Bottles” scandal, but Lissa had to go.

WOLFE
That was why two Santa Clauses were murdered tonight. The third Santa Claus, however — the real object of the murderer’s attention — was luckier, or suspicious. He fled.

MR. B
Aw, do I have to hang around here and listen to all this?

WOLFE
You do, my unwashed friend.

MR. B
“Unwashed?” You have some nerve.

MADISON
Dude, your face is so dirty it looks like your smeared charcoal all over it. Which I highly recommend as a cleansing and exfoliating mask. Seriously, when you wash that off you’re gonna have glowing skin.

WOLFE
As it stands, Mr. Barton fled and the murderer was in a quandary. He had invested in two murders merely to make the third one confusing. But he found himself unable to commit that third murder. He couldn’t find his victim. Could he ask the police to do so?

MADISON
No!

MR. B
That was rhetorical.

MADISON
Oh, what? Did you go to Harvard before you started begging for quarters? Or was that your major?

LAURA
Mr. Wolfe, you said he wouldn’t go to the police. So where would he go?

WOLFE
The murderer might try to inveigle a private detective, such as myself, into the job.

STEVENS
Uh, that makes sense, Mr. Wolfe, but, uh, why would my brother have deliberately fled from your house? He was protected here.

WOLFE
Well, a man in a Santa Claus costume came here and said he was Barton. However, he was an obvious impostor. He proved that by his flight when his niece came here.

LAURA
You mean, he could fool you, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to fool me?

WOLFE
Precisely. Therefore, it was not Barton. Who was it? Who else had disappeared at the propitious moment?

MADISON
You mean… the butler did it? Are we ending on a cliche?

WOLFE
He was an accomplice, but not the murderer. Madison, that gun you took from the dirty gentleman — you still have it?

MADISON
Yeah. I put it in my purse.

WOLFE
Would you mind retrieving it and pointing it at Mr. Stevens here until the police remove him?

MADISON
Sure thing.

STEVENS
You can’t hang this on me! What– what about Laura?!

LAURA
Uncle Wayne!

WOLFE
Would Pleasant have hit Madison over the head and fled when Miss Barton arrived here if Laura were in on the plan? Of course not. She’d have been privy to the masquerade.

MADISON
Aw, dammit. I liked this purse.

WOLFE
Ah. Inspector Cramer and his posse. What impeccable timing.

CRAMER
We heard the shot from the kitchen.

MADISON
It’s too late. My Gucci bag is dead.

CRAMER
Don’t move, Stevens.

STEVENS
But I–

CRAMER
And don’t talk, either. What you say may be held against you and so forth.

LAURA
The police have been here all along?

WOLFE
You telephoned Stevens, while I telephoned the police.

LAURA
But where is Uncle John?

WOLFE
Why, he’s in this very room.

MADISON
You mean…

WOLFE
I do.

MADISON
The nice shoes! The charcoal! And I bet that’s a wig–

MR. B
Ow!

MADISON
Dude. You have a nice head of hair for someone your age.

LAURA
Uncle!

MR. B
Yes, my dear. It’s me.

WOLFE
Miss Barton told us her uncle used to be an actor on the stage.

MADISON
So he was pretending to be a homeless guy begging for money.

WOLFE
But he was really surveilling the street corner.

MADISON
So I gave a quarter to a millionaire?

MR. B
Not very willingly.

MADISON
Hey, that may be charcoal on your face, but the B.O. is real.

LAURA
I can’t believe you fooled everyone!

MR. B
I did rather a decent job, didn’t I? No one recognized me. Well, except, of course, you, Mr. Wolfe.

WOLFE
Not recognition, Mr. Barton — logic.

STEVENS
I never should’ve picked you as the patsy detective.

WOLFE
Unfortunately for you, you have no way of amending that poor decision.

CRAMER
C’mon, Stevens, let’s get you down to the station and booked so I can salvage some of my Christmas Eve. Thanks, Wolfe.

WOLFE
My pleasure, Inspector. My pleasure. Madison, open some beer for us.

MADISON
Beer? Not egg nog or something more festive? How about a gingerbread martini! It’s like having a cookie in a glass… with booze!

WOLFE
Phooey.

MADISON
I think you mean, “Bah, humbug.” Unless that’s copyrighted?

MR. B
Well, I am feeling quite festive. I owe you a good deal, Mr. Wolfe. How can I ever repay you?

WOLFE
Oh, I don’t require much. You can just make out a “festive” check.

MADISON
Sign your “X” on the line/Santa Baby and hurry down the chimney tonight… Just pay me so I can get outta here.

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe” ran on NBC, producing only 26 episodes airing between October 1950 and April 1951. The series was based on the detective genius originally created by Rex Stout in 1933. The role of Nero Wolfe on this radio series was played by Sydney Greenstreet, who was regarded by Stout as being the perfect embodiment of the role. Unfortunately, Greenstreet, known for such films as “The Maltese Falcon” and “Casablanca,” had a similar physique as the iconic detective. He suffered from diabetes and kidney disease and passed away in 1954. “Nero Wolfe,” in all the forms the detective took, from novels, radio, television, movies, and even a cookbook — is remembered for the great characterizations of Wolfe and and his assistant, Archie Goodwin, who are still beloved in the world of noir today.