MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA” THE LUX RADIO THEATER

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JULY 2026

SCENE ONE

MADISON
Welcome, everyone, to our Halloween episode! This is another Lux Radio Theater film adaptation, this time of the 1943 presentation of “The Phantom of the Opera.” And it ain’t your Andrew Lloyd Webber musical folks. In fact, it ain’t your Lon Chaney “Phantom,” either. This time in Hollywood is considered the “Lost Years of Horror” where overreaching censors shut down horror film production. Making this version a little less gore and a little less gothic. But don’t worry… not everyone survives our “Phantom of the Opera!”
I said not the Andrew Lloyd Webber. The dude wasn’t even born when this movie came out. Geez.

ANATOLE
In the year Eighteen Eighty, the old Paris Opera stood like a giant torch in the heart of the city, a thousand windows ablaze with light.

MADISON
Oh, that’s Anatole. He’s the opera’s leading Baritone. He’s a dreamy romantic type. So I thought he’d be good at creating the mood.

ANATOLE
However, there were shadows, too. Shadows that flitted high in the gallery over the great stage, shadows that lingered in the sub-cellars, far beneath the street where the black sewers of Paris ran sluggishly in the dark. But we were not concerned with these things, or so we thought at the time. We of the opera knew only the light of the dressing rooms and the bright gaiety of the stage.
I suppose it all began the night we sang “Martha.” The house was crowded, enthusiastic. There were no shadows for us that night. No, there was no warning that night. No hint of the strange things that were about to happen…

MADISON
Dude! Christine! There you are! You missed the finale and the curtain call.

CHRISTINE
I know, Madison, but, I… um…

MADISON
Don’t worry, I took your bow for you. No way I was gonna let thunderous applause go to waste. Especially since I never get to hear my audience’s reactions. The best I can do is imagine someone listening on their headphones and then laughing at one of my jokes at a really inappropriate moment in public. Hopefully a funeral.

ANATOLE
Christine! What happened to you? You weren’t on stage. You aren’t ill, are you?

CHRISTINE
No, no, Anatole. I’m all right.

MADISON
Hey there, Anatole. You sounded ah-mazing tonight. Even in French.

ANATOLE
And you stepped on my feet no less than five times in the third act.

MADISON
You noticed!

ANATOLE
How you managed to become a chorus girl is beyond me.

MADISON
Training, natural skill and persistence caught the eye of Monsieur Amiot, the theater manager.

ANATOLE
I wouldn’t have thought you had any training or skill in dance.

MADISON
I didn’t say “dance.”

CHRISTINE
If both of you would excuse me–

ANATOLE
No, Christine! Wait a moment!

VILLENEUVE
Mademoiselle DuBois!

CHRISTINE
Oh, good evening, Maestro.

VILLENEUVE
Mademoiselle, I understand that you were entertaining a gentleman backstage during a performance. Is that true?

CHRISTINE
Yes, Maestro.

MADISON
O.M.G., Christine! Okay, that definitely beats applause. Although if you do it right, you could get both.

VILLENEUVE
You are not the greatest soprano in the world, Mademoiselle — not yet — so you will please not take liberties. See me later in my office.

CHRISTINE
Yes, Maestro.

MADISON
Oh, come on. She just missed one little finale. I missed an entire semester of health class. I tried to say I was getting homeschooled by Brad Wilkins, but my teacher didn’t buy it. I did learn a lot, though.

VILLENEUVE
Mademoiselle Standish, please accompany Mademoiselle DuBois to my office. Perhaps between the two of us, we can help you find the beat.

MADISON
Did he just propose a three-way?

ANATOLE
So you met with a gentleman, Christine?

CHRISTINE
Well, he– he’s an old friend of mine.

MADISON
You mean that hunky cop, Raoul? Or should I say, “row-r.”

CHRISTINE
He’s not an ordinary policeman. He’s an inspector, a graduate of the military academy at Saint-Cyr.

ANATOLE
Christine, it’s not like me to preach, but someday you’ll have to choose between your career and what’s called a “normal life.” You can’t do justice to both. I think you’ll find that music has its compensations.

MADISON
You can’t make her chose between being married and having a career! She can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. Ya know, as a kid I literally thought that meant women got paid in bacon. Mmmm… bacon…

CHRISTINE
In other words, Anatole, you don’t think I ought to have supper tonight with Raoul. But with you, that would be all right?

ANATOLE
Definitely.

MADISON
Uck. C’mon, Christine, let’s go. He’s a sleaze. To think, I purposefully didn’t wear my corset tonight to try and get his attention. And let me tell you, ballet with the girls bouncin’ up and down ain’t pretty. My kingdom for a sports bra.

SCENE TWO

MADISON
There was another dude that night who missed seeing Christine during the finale. His name was Erique Claudin, a violinist in the pit. Quiet, strange little dude in his fifties, so totally past his prime. Like, literally. He couldn’t keep up with the rest of the orchestra. We ran into him coming out of the Maestro’s office right after he got fired. But me and Christine had no idea about that…

CLAUDIN
Good evening, Mademoiselle DuBois.

CHRISTINE
Good evening, Claudin.

MADISON
Hey, Claude.

CLAUDIN
It is “Claudin,” Mademoiselle.

MADISON
Yeah… I’m gonna be butchering all the French names in this, so…

CHRISTINE
Claudin, certainly you must know Mademoiselle Standish?

CLAUDIN
Ah… yes. The one who kept stepping on Anatole’s feet.

MADISON
Can you think of another way to get a baritone’s attention?

CHRISTINE
Claudin, were you speaking with Monsieur Villeneuve? He summoned us to his office, too.

CLAUDIN
Oh… oh, yes. Just reviewing the… er… movement in the second act. I’ve been here at the opera for twenty years, you know.

CHRISTINE
Oh? No, I didn’t know that.

CLAUDIN
Yes! The Maestro thinks of me as the backbone of the orchestra.

MADISON
Twenty years, huh? You make a lot of cash with that violin stuff?

CHRISTINE
Madison! Such a thing to ask!

MADISON
Hey, I haven’t gotten anywhere with dating the cast. Maybe I need to expand my search to the orchestra pit.

CHRISTINE
If money is all you’re after, the orchestra is certainly well compensated. In fact, after twenty years, I bet you have a small fortune. Isn’t that right, Claudin?

CLAUDIN
Oh! Of course, yes.

CHRISTINE
See? Now, come along, Madison. We shouldn’t keep the Maestro waiting.

CLAUDIN
Oh, Mademoiselle! May I speak to you for a moment?

CHRISTINE
We really must–

CLAUDIN
You, uh– You weren’t on the stage tonight for the finale. Why weren’t you there?

CHRISTINE
Everyone in the theater seems to have noticed that. It’s really quite flattering.

MADISON
Well, sure, you have a supporting role. As a chorus girl, I don’t show up and no one’s dragging the Seine for my body.

CLAUDIN
Oh, please forgive me, but I– I’ve been here so long that you– that everybody, everything connected with the opera is so much a part of my life.

MADISON
See? This is why I refuse to let a job define my life. Your coworkers aren’t your friends. Oh, sure, you can laugh and joke and bad-mouth the boss with them, but the second you’re fired for stealing the office fridge because yours broke down and you didn’t want to spend the money on a new one, they cut you out of their life.

CLAUDIN
I… was just worried you were ill. Were you? You’re not in any trouble? Oh, it’s impertinent of me, I know, but–

CHRISTINE
No, it isn’t. You’re very kind. But we have to go. Good night.

CLAUDIN
Good night, Mademoiselle.

MADISON
I’m tellin’ ya, Claude. You need to make friends outside of work. Who’s gonna post your bail if they’re all testifying for the prosecution?

SCENE THREE

MADISON
As fate would have it, I ran into Claude the next morning at my voice lesson.

FERRETTI
Mademoiselle Standish, perhaps being a vocalist in the Paris Opera is a bit… ambitious. Have you considered focusing on ballet?

MADISON
My ballet instructor suggested I try being a vocalist.

FERRETTI
Maybe… assisting with props and costumes?

SERVANT
Signore Ferretti, Monsieur Claudin is here to speak with you.

FERRETTI
See him in.

SERVANT
Yes, sir.

MADISON
Hey! This is my hour that Monsieur Amiot paid for!

FERRETTI
Yet, it is my ears that are paying for it.

MADISON
You don’t want to disappoint the theater manager of the Paris Opera, do you?

FERRETTI
I think when he hears you sing, that will be inevitable.

CLAUDIN
Signore Ferretti, I must speak with you!

FERRETTI
My dear Claudin–

CLAUDIN
Oh. I… I hadn’t realized you had a student.

FERRETTI
I completely disavow any contribution to her singing voice. Mademoiselle Standish! Uh… have you ever done silent scales?

MADISON
Silent scales?

FERRETTI
Yes! You do them in your mind! It will… help you visualize the music.

MADISON
Ohhh. Like this?

FERRETTI
Perfect! Keep it up. Go ahead, Claudin.

CLAUDIN
May we speak alone in the hall, Signore?

FERRETTI
Feel free to speak in front of Mademoiselle Standish. Judging by her singing, she must be deaf.

CLAUDIN
I… I wish to speak with you about Christine.

FERRETTI
If you don’t mind my saying so, Claudin, you are a fool. For three years I’ve taught Christine DuBois and you have paid. Why? Unlike the theater manager and Mademoiselle Standish, you have no influence over the opera to… shall we say… “trade” services? So how can a man of your age hope to interest a girl as young as–

CLAUDIN
Signore, please! We agreed never to discuss my motives.

FERRETTI
Very well. So now you have been dismissed from the orchestra. You can no longer pay for her lessons, is that it? Mademoiselle Standish!

MADISON
I already did the silent scales. When do I get to do the out-loud scales?

FERRETTI
It is a slow learning process. It may take weeks. Months. Years.

MADISON
Wow. Okay. I’ll keep at it.

FERRETTI
If only Christine had caught the eye of Monsieur Amiot and not… Madison.

CLAUDIN
Please, Signore, I– I hoped that you would continue to instruct Christine. Just for a while. I’ll have money soon. A concerto I’ve written. I’ve taken it to Monsieur Pleyel. It’s going to be published.

FERRETTI
Yes, yes, I know. Every violinist has written a concerto.

MADISON
Hey, Ferretti! Maybe you can teach me to play an instrument. How hard is it to learn piano?

FERRETTI
Please, Monsieur Claudin, I need to finish my hour with Mademoiselle Standish before I quit music altogether.

CLAUDIN
So, you’ll go on with Christine’s lessons, Signore? She cannot afford the lessons on her salary from the opera house.

FERRETTI
Come back when Monsieur Pleyel has bought your concerto.

CLAUDIN
Signore! Please!

MADISON
Hey! That sounds pretty good!

FERRETTI
All right! I will give Christine one free lesson if you take Mademoiselle Standish with you right now.

CLAUDIN
With me? But–

FERRETTI
Mademoiselle Standish! Monsieur Claudin has been so taken by your… talents, that he would like you to accompany him to his music publishers.

MADISON
Really? But what about our lesson? I’ve got forty minutes left.

FERRETTI
I promise I will make it up to you upon your return.

MADISON
Okay, Claude. I can sing for you on the way over!

FERRETTI
Now, I just need to completely relocate to the London Opera before Madison comes back.

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Dude, Claude, we’ve been waiting to see your music publisher for hours.

CLAUDIN
Well, he… he’s a very busy man.

MADISON
My dad did this to me once. I showed up at his work to ask for money because someone had maxed out his credit cards. His secretary had me wait in the lobby and I think they both thought I’d give up and leave. But that new Gucci bag wasn’t going to buy itself. So I just waited.

CLAUDIN
What happened when he finally came out of his office?

MADISON
Oh, he’d left hours earlier through a back entrance and Ubered home. But he’d left his golf clubs in the trunk of his car. Pawn shop gave me just enough for the Gucci bag.

CLAUDIN
Out the back entrance…? All right! I’ve waited long enough!

PLEYEL
Claudin! What are you doing in my office? Didn’t they tell you I was busy?

GEORGETTE
I’ll see him out, Monsieur.

PLEYEL
No, Georgette. You are assisting me and I need more acid.

MADISON
Acid? Whatcha got goin’ over here?

PLEYEL
I am etching these discs so I may preserve the music I recorded.

MADISON
That’s how you old timey people recorded music? That is so cool! How does it work?

CLAUDIN
Please, Monsieur Pleyel! I need to discuss my new concerto!

PLEYEL
What concerto?

CLAUDIN
What concerto?! The manuscript I brought you this morning!

PLEYEL
I don’t know anything about that. Georgette, the acid.

GEORGETTE
Is this the bottle?

PLEYEL
The blue one. Pour it in the tray, and be careful.

MADISON
Oh! The record had wax on it and the acid removes the wax, leaving the grooves from the music?

PLEYEL
Be careful with those bottles, Mademoiselle! Would you like to burn the skin from your hands?!

MADISON
If the acid’s that bad, where’s your PPE? Or at least one of those eye wash stations they got in every high school chemistry classroom. I tell ya, the only thing that got me through chemistry was hoping I’d be there when some kid had to use it. My eyes! My eyes!

CLAUDIN
Monsieur! About my manuscript–

PLEYEL
Please! These disruptions are just too much. Georgette, give the fellow his manuscript. You’ll find it on the table, if it’s anywhere.

GEORGETTE
All right, Monsieur.

MADISON
Hey, Pleyel, maybe you could record me. I could talk for like an hour and a half on a topic, maybe interview a special guest? Make jokes that only are funny to me and spend most of the time talking about myself?

PLEYEL
Who would ever listen to that?

MADISON
Give it a hundred and fifty years and the answer is… millions of people.

GEORGETTE
I’m sorry, but I don’t know where the manuscript is. If it turns up, we shall let you know.

CLAUDIN
But you don’t understand! It’s the only copy I have. It represents two years work. It was brought into this office. It must be here. It must be found!

PLEYEL
Did we ask you to bring your manuscript to us, Claudin?

MADISON
Okay, okay. Just chill out and give the dude back his manuscript.

PLEYEL
We don’t have it. Good night.

CLAUDIN
What?!

MADISON
No! This is unacceptable. That’s it. You have forced me to play the, “let me speak to a manager” card.

CLAUDIN
Listen! That piano! That’s my music! Someone’s playing my music!

PLEYEL
I thought I told you to get out!

CLAUDIN
Thief! You’ve stolen my music!! Thief!

PLEYEL
Help!!!

MADISON
Claude! Now we know where your manuscript is. Let’s stop strangling that dude and go in the next room and get your manuscript.

CLAUDIN
You’ve stolen my music! Thief! My work! My music!

GEORGETTE
Let him go! You’re choking him!

MADISON
C’mon, lady, you can help me get Claude off your boss.

GEORGETTE
This will stop him!

CLAUDIN
Ahhh!!!!

MADISON
You freakin’ threw acid in his face!

GEORGETTE
He killed Pleyel! He killed him!!

CLAUDIN
My eyes! My eyes! My eyes!

MADISON
Now! See! This is what I mean about having an eye wash station.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
So Claude had killed the music publisher and gotten splashed with acid in his face. He left the office screaming in agony.

CLAUDIN
Ahhh!!!

MADISON
Yeah, like that. He stumbled through the streets of Paris heading back towards the opera house, but in all their searching, no one found him. The murder made the headlines in the morning paper — I couldn’t read it, it was in French — and there was a ton of gossip at the opera house. Well, yeah, provided by me. I was a witness! But even juicy murder gets old, and pretty quickly, everyone had forgotten all about it and moved on. Especially when rehearsals started for a new upcoming opera.

CHRISTINE
Hear those bells ringing soft and low / Bringing peace through the twilight’s glow. / According to everyone, night has begun. / Turn from your weary toil / day’s work is done. / Hear them ring while my love and I drift and dream to their lullaby.

ANATOLE
That’s very nice, Christine. What is it?

CHRISTINE
It’s a lullaby.

MADISON
Lullaby? No wonder I was falling asleep.

ANATOLE
Aren’t you supposed to be mopping the stage?

MADISON
I’m supposed to be in the chorus but Monsieur Amoit had to take a leave of absence with his wife, so Maestro has demoted me to janitorial duties.

CHRISTINE
At least you’re still part of the opera.

MADISON
Yeah. Like when I was a Disney Princess for kid’s parties and I kept trying to tell myself, “at least I’m performing.”

RAOUL
Good morning, Christine.

CHRISTINE
Raoul! Good morning!

MADISON
Uh-oh, Anatole. You got competition.

ANATOLE
So this is the policeman you’ve been telling me about, Christine?

RAOUL
Inspector Raoul D’Aubert.

ANATOLE
Inspector, of course. In the many hours I’ve spent with Christine, she has mentioned you once or twice. I am Anatole Garron.

RAOUL
A pleasure.

MADISON
And I’m Madison Standish formerly of the chorus, now of the mop and bucket.

RAOUL
It is most certainly a pleasure, Mademoiselle Standish.

MADISON
Ooo! Well, hello, hunky. Aw, this isn’t fair. Christine gets two hot guys drooling over her and I get a fat middle aged theater manager with a wife who need to go to the seaside for her “headaches.”

RAOUL
Actually, I am here on official business. Christine, may I see you alone, please?

ANATOLE
What business could Mademoiselle DuBois have with the Sûreté?

MADISON
What the heck is “Sûreté.”

RAOUL
The National Police of France.

MADISON
Oh. The French Po-Po.

ANATOLE
“Po-Po!” Aux toilettes!

RAOUL
This is important business regarding murder!

CHRISTINE
Murder?

RAOUL
Yes. Do you know Erique Claudin?

CHRISTINE
Claudin? Certainly. We all knew him as a violinist in the orchestra. He was quiet, reserved.

ANATOLE
He seemed eccentric but harmless.

MADISON
Your classic serial killer.

CHRISTINE
I never thought twice about him until Madison’s rather… graphic description of the murder.

MADISON
Ooo! Raoul! Do you need more deets about the murder? Did I mention how Pleyel’s eyes bulged as he–

RAOUL
We… have all the details, thank you, Mademoiselle. I was looking for more information about Claudin as a person.

CHRISTINE
I thought he was a rather kindly fellow.

RAOUL
He was a kindly fellow, until he thought Pleyel was robbing him of his work, then something snapped and he became an homicidal maniac.

MADISON
Let’s be honest. We all have our homicidal maniac breaking points. Mine is when people swerve into my lane to avoid something in their lane. Like, dude, you made the decision to be in that lane. Now you gotta stop for the Amazon truck, don’t make it my problem.

CHRISTINE
But what has all this to do with me?

MADISON
I don’t know. I’ve never seen you drive.

RAOUL
Well, we found something in Claudin’s room, Christine, that connects you with him.

RAOUL
As you can see, Christine, this statuette is the image of you.

ANATOLE
So that’s what became of it!

RAOUL
Be good enough to explain yourself, Monsieur.

ANATOLE
Certainly. That statuette is mine. I made it. I intended to make you a present of it, Christine.

CHRISTINE
How nice of you, Anatole.

MADISON
Yeah. And not a bit creepy.

ANATOLE
Unfortunately, it disappeared from my dressing room.

RAOUL
It’s an extraordinary likeness. My compliments on your versatility, Monsieur. Christine must have posed for this many times.

CHRISTINE
I never posed for it. Not once.

RAOUL
You did this from drawings, Monsieur?

ANATOLE
And from memory. It’s a simple matter to recall Christine’s face and figure.

MADISON
You’re leaning into “obsessed stalker” territory there, Anatole.

RAOUL
But what was the statuette doing in Claudin’s room?

MADISON
Speaking of stalkers.

ANATOLE
As a man, Monsieur, I’m sure you can understand. Sitting there in the orchestra pit night after night, looking at Christine, Claudin probably fell in love with her. You admit that is possible, no?

MADISON
Sure. A pretty young starlet like Christine? She’s probably got tons of stalkers. Have you received any anonymous envelopes of hair or toenail clippings?

RAOUL
Christine, did Claudin ever seek more than a casual acquaintance with you?

CHRISTINE
No. Never.

RAOUL
Can you imagine so diffident a lover, Monsieur? Claudin was nearly fifty.

ANATOLE
No doubt he lacked — fire!

MADISON
Okay, if that’s a crack about me and the theater manager, it’s easy to look past age when you have ulterior motives. And a very dark room.

SCENE SIX

MADISON
Well, Christine’s suitors could laugh all they wanted then. Because they had no idea what was going on in the caverns of the sewer beneath the opera. Which, can we take a moment to appreciate the early engineers for building such elaborate sewer systems under Paris? They were built by order of Napoleon in the 1850s. I mean, they built the sewers nearly two hundred years ago. That’s impressive, right?

ANATOLE
If you will allow me, Mademoiselle Standish, so I may continue with the story?

MADISON
They’re literally a tourist attraction today.

ANATOLE
In those dark and murky sewers lurked the shadow of a man whose features had been burned and whose mind was on fire. Then, just as we were to open the new opera, “Amour et Gloire,” it was noticed that items had been stolen — costumes, masks — but more worrisome, a master key for the opera house had disappeared. Now “the shadow” had entrance to twenty-five hundred doors. He could roam at will from the sub-cellars to the very top of the auditorium, where the great chandelier swung over the audience. There were some who swore they had seen this shadow flung on the walls of dim corridors, or crouching like a griffon on the high balconies over the street. And there were some who swore they had heard mutterings in the deep cellars, where the sewers ran black.

MADISON
The sewers were constructed in response to a cholera epidemic in the 1830s–

ANATOLE
Mademoiselle Standish! No one wishes to hear about the Parisian sewer system!

MADISON
Some people might.

BIANCAROLLI
I tell you, I was drugged!

MADISON
Hey, hey, hey! I just mopped there!

BIANCAROLLI
I was perfectly well during the second act! You saw me, Maestro! Then suddenly I fell ill!

MADISON
If you’re not careful, you’re gonna fall on my wet floor!

VILLENEUVE
Madame Biancarolli, we realize that you–

BIANCAROLLI
If you realize I was drugged, then tell that police inspector there to arrest the man who did it! We all know who it was — Anatole Garron!

RAOUL
I know nothing of the sort, Madame. I am a police officer, not a psychic. It is my duty to collect evidence without prejudice.

BIANCAROLLI
Haven’t you evidence enough?! Everyone knows that–! Ahhh!!! More sabotage!

VILLENEUVE
Why is this floor wet?!

MADISON
It’s one of the side effects of mopping.

ANATOLE
Allow me to help you up, Madame–

BIANCAROLLI
Keep your hands from me!

VILLENEUVE
Fear not, Madame. This mop girl will be permanently removed from these premises.

MADISON
Whoa! Need I remind you I’m Monsieur Amoit’s mistress? Come on. In France that’s gotta count for something.

BIANCAROLLI
What do I care of mop girls?! Remove Anatole!

ANATOLE
Madame! How dare you insinuate such vial things.

RAOUL
Monsieur Garron, is it true that you had the opportunity during tonight’s performance to place the drug in Madame Biancarolli’s glass?

MADISON
Yes, he did! I saw him backstage near the prop table!

BIANCAROLLI
Ah-ha! You see?!

ANATOLE
We all had access to the property table, Inspector.

RAOUL
Then it is a question of motive.

BIANCAROLLI
The motive is very simple! Garron wanted to get me out of the way to make room for that little– That little–

MADISON
The word you’re looking for is “bitch.”

BIANCAROLLI
Yes! Listen to this mop girl! She knows!

MADISON
It comes with the mistress territory.

RAOUL
Madame, are you referring to Christine DuBois?

BIANCAROLLI
I am.

ANATOLE
I deny Madame’s accusation.

RAOUL
Do you deny, Monsieur, that you had any motive in drugging Madame?

ANATOLE
I deny that I drugged her.

MADISON
Ohhhh! He denies that he drugged her, but doesn’t deny that he has motive to drug her.

BIANCAROLLI
Monsieur Inspector, I do not understand your reluctance to make an arrest.

MADISON
Technically, Raoul has motive, too.

BIANCAROLLI
He does?

MADISON
He’s in love with Christine, too.

BIANCAROLLI
He does!

RAOUL
I am the inspector here. I am not on trial! Besides, I was not backstage during the performance.

ANATOLE
How do we know that? You were backstage the night Christine didn’t appear in the finale!

BIANCAROLLI
So you did this, Inspector?! Then I’ll go over your head. I have influence at the Sûreté.

VILLENEUVE
Madame Biancarolli, if you pursue this, no matter what the outcome, don’t forget that your career is bound to the Paris Opera. Whatever scandal injures us, or any member of the company, will injure you as well.

MADISON
Don’t listen to him, B. He’s trying to get you to drop the charges. Who cares about the reputation of the opera. You’re a victim! One of these dudes drugged you!

BIANCAROLLI
Perhaps I won’t report it… under certain conditions?

VILLENEUVE
Conditions? What conditions?

BIANCAROLLI
I want a new understudy. Christine DuBois goes back to the chorus and stays for the two years my contract has to run.

ANATOLE
No! I won’t permit it! If any such arrangement is made, I’ll–

BIANCAROLLI
My dear Anatole, I have not finished.

MADISON
Hey! While you’re at it, B, can you get me back in the chorus?

BIANCAROLLI
You were in the chorus?

VILLENEUVE
She is the one during the performance of “Martha” who kept stepping on Anatole’s feet.

BIANCAROLLI
Ah! Yes. Put mop girl back in the chorus, too.

MADISON
All right, B!

ANATOLE
This is preposterous!

BIANCAROLLI
And… I will go a step farther. I suggest that we all forget that anything happened tonight.

VILLENEUVE
Madame, I don’t understand you.

BIANCAROLLI
Oh, but it’s so simple. Nothing happened tonight. I was not drugged and Christine DuBois did not sing.

ANATOLE
What?!

VILLENEUVE
Madame, there are always critics in the house.

BIANCAROLLI
You will send word to the papers that no mention of her is to be made.

ANATOLE
What about the public? Shall we send word to the public to forget that Mademoiselle DuBois was a sensation?

MADISON
Yaas! I love this! You’re gaslighting all of Paris! Which, actually, in the late 1800s was lit by gas. Huh.
R
AOUL
Then, Madame, you are dropping your accusations?

BIANCAROLLI
Yes, Inspector. Unless Anatole and Maestro Villenevue wish to ruin the opera for the sake of Christine DuBois?

ANATOLE
No.

VILLENEUVE
I do not.

BIANCAROLLI
Then, Inspector, the accusations are dropped. But, if my…requests are not honored, I will charge all three of you with trying to murder me. Do you understand that?! Murder!!

MADISON
Oh, girl. You are the GOAT diva. Not Barbra, not Celine, not even Beyoncé. Will you be my new mom?

SCENE SEVEN

BIANCAROLLI
What is your name again, mop girl?

MADISON
Madison.

BIANCAROLLI
Ah, yes. Mad-ee-son. Fetch me my dressing gown, will you? I am so overcome, I simply must sit down.

MADISON
Sure thing, B. Ya know, until you face planted into the costume rack backstage, you were giving a totes ah-mazing performance.

BIANCAROLLI
You really thought so?

MADISON
Yeah. I mean, opera is supposed to make your ears bleed, right?

BIANCAROLLI
I was magnificent in the part with Anatole, wasn’t I? Oh… I wish he wasn’t so obsessed with that little… what had you called her?

MADISON
Bitch.

BIANCAROLLI
Yes. “Bitch.” I remember when it was I who was the youthful up-and-coming starlet. All of Paris bowed at my feet.

MADISON
That happened to me in Paris, Texas. My shirt popped open during a rodeo. Even the bucking bronco stopped to stare in admiration.

BIANCAROLLI
My dressing gown, please.

MADISON
Oh, yeah. You’re not washed up yet, B. I mean, you’re over thirty, sure, but you still have some good years left. Unlike that bucking bronco. Apparently I broke him and he was put out to pasture.

CLAUDIN
Good evening.

MADISON
Dude! It’s the Phantom of the Opera!

BIANCAROLLI
“Phantom of the Opera?” What Phantom of the Opera?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, this version kinda glosses over that set up.

CLAUDIN
I’m sorry I cannot let you see my face. You would not be pleased.

BIANCAROLLI
Mad-ee-son, I still don’t understand. Who is this person?

MADISON
Okay, so, there are supposed to be rumors that the Paris Opera is haunted and then this guy in a mask and cape shows up and becomes the embodiment of the haunting.

BIANCAROLLI
I have not heard of such rumors.

MADISON
Yeah. Plot-wise it should’ve been layered in way earlier. I think they just expect the audience to know. So, try to appear scared. Ahh.

BIANCAROLLI
Ahhh?

CLAUDIN
I did not come here to frighten you unnecessarily. Only to tell you that Christine DuBois will sing tomorrow night.

BIANCAROLLI
Christine will sing?! Phantom, indeed! Take off that mask, Anatole Garron! You do not frighten me!

MADISON
No, B, that’s not Anatole–

CLAUDIN
You will leave Paris, Madame.

BIANCAROLLI
“Leave Paris?” Oh, ho-ho, yes? You will see to it, of course?

CLAUDIN
Yes, I will see to it, Madame.

BIANCAROLLI
Get away from me!

MADISON
Whoa! Hang back there, Phantom. Respect her personal space!

CLAUDIN
Do you force me to reason with you, Madame?

BIANCAROLLI
I will not leave! I will call the Sûreté!

MADISON
B. Uh… you can’t really call the cops on phantoms…

CLAUDIN
I am sorry, Madame. I am very sorry.

MADISON
Geez! What is the crime rate in Paris? This is the second strangling I’ve witnessed! Ew. Her eyes bulged, too.

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
So… the opera was closed for about a week. Either out of respect for the dead diva or fear of the Phantom. Six of one. I told the theater manager, Amoit — he was back from seaside so I was, uh, definitely “back in the chorus” — I told him that the Phantom said he wanted Christine to sing the lead in “Amour et Gloire.” Whatever. It’s French. Amoit said he’d already gotten a letter from the Phantom.

CLAUDIN
Gentlemen, the opera must open very soon. Christine DuBois will replace Biancarolli, who chose to ignore my advice.

MADISON
Amoit was all for it — he likes his young hotties — but not everybody involved agreed with the casting… Oh, hey Anatole.

ANATOLE
Mademoiselle Standish. Is… Christine at home?

MADISON
Sure, c’mon in. I’ll let her know you’re here.

ANATOLE
Thank you.

MADISON
Christine! Anatole’s here!!!

ANATOLE
My goodness, Mademoiselle. A chorus girl should really preserve her voice.

MADISON
Oh, I don’t have to. Monsieur Amoit said I get to sing the “silent chorus” part.

ANATOLE
“Silent” chorus?

MADISON
Yeah. My vocal coach recommended it. I envision the music in my mind and then use my lips to express the lyrics.

ANATOLE
You… mouth the words?

MADISON
Yup! And I’m the only one doing it in the whole chorus!

ANATOLE
It… certainly fits your talents.

RAOUL
Good morning, Monsieur.

ANATOLE
Oh, Inspector. Good morning.

RAOUL
How’s the opera business, Monsieur?

ANATOLE
Well, very poor at the moment. How’s the inspecting?

RAOUL
Very good.

ANATOLE
Splendid. Glad to hear it.

RAOUL
Thank you.

ANATOLE
Not at all.

RAOUL
Ahem.

MADISON
O.M.G.! Would you two just arm wrestle for her and get it over with?!

CHRISTINE
Good morning, Anatole.

ANATOLE
Oh, good morning.

CHRISTINE
I see Madison and Raoul have been keeping you company in my absence.

MADISON
I thought I was about to witness another strangling.

ANATOLE
Christine, I wonder if I might–

RAOUL
May I have a word with you–

ANATOLE
Sorry, Monsieur.

RAOUL
After you, Monsieur.

ANATOLE/RAOUL
Thank you. Christine–

MADISON
Christine, I think you’re gonna have to either flip a coin or stick them in a gladiator pit.

CHRISTINE
One at a time, please. Anatole?

ANATOLE
They’re going to open the opera, Christine. You and I are going to sing together.

RAOUL
You are wrong, Monsieur. I’m sorry, Christine. They are going to reopen the opera, but without you. Circumstances connected with the murder of Biancarolli demand that someone else sing the leading role in your place.

ANATOLE
Really? You might be interested to know, Monsieur D’Aubert, that circumstances connected with the murder of Biancarolli demand that Christine does sing.

RAOUL
Well, the police have changed that plan somewhat. We’re going to draw the murderer out into the open by defying his warning. My men will be posted at every entrance and exit.

ANATOLE
And probably miss him.

RAOUL
Ha, ha, ha. Monsieur, I am aware that your profession requires a certain self-assurance, but aren’t you going too far?

MADISON
Ding, ding, ding! Round one’s over, fighters to your corners.

CHRISTINE
I appreciate both of you. I believe I’ll go to the Opera and speak with Maestro–

ANATOLE/RAOUL
My carriage is just outside–

CHRISTINE
Actually, it’s a lovely morning. Madison and I were going to walk.

MADISON
No thanks. I’d rather take a carriage. Who wants me? Hey! I think both of you are good enough to be in the Silent Chorus!

SCENE NINE

MADISON
Well, by now everyone was certain the murderer slash Phantom was Erique Claudin. I mean, I’d witnessed both stranglings, but don’t ask me, I’m just a Silent Chorus Girl. So while Anatole and Raoul were comparing the size of their “batons” and arguing with the Maestro over what should be done about Christine singing, I’d gone to her dressing room.

CHRISTINE
Oh, Madison, maybe I shouldn’t have come to the theater tonight.

MADISON
Literally everybody told you to stay home.

CHRISTINE
I wish Raoul would let me sing. I’m not afraid of this “Phantom.”

MADISON
Even though he’s killed two people? One of which was in this very dressing room. Do you really think it was a good idea to take Madame Biancarolli’s dressing room?

CHRISTINE
It’s the biggest one.

MADISON
Fair. But you don’t mind if I check to make sure the window’s locked?

CHRISTINE
You’ll be the fifth person do to so, but go ahead.

MADISON
My mom got obsessed with checking to make sure our windows were locked at night. She’d found evidence that someone had tried to break in.

CHRISTINE
That’s terrible!

MADISON
I know. I can’t believe I left evidence. But to be fair, it was hard to sneak in and out of a second story bedroom window.

ANATOLE
Christine? It’s Anatole. May I come in?

MADISON
How do we know it’s really you?

CHRISTINE
That’s a very good point.

MADISON
This isn’t my first stalking. My ears are bleeding. It must be him.

CHRISTINE
Let him in, Madison.

ANATOLE
Christine, I–

CHRISTINE
Oh!

MADISON
Whoa! Hey! You’re wearing a mask!

ANATOLE
Here, I’ll remove it.

ANATOLE
See? It’s me. Isn’t this a brilliant idea? Everyone will wear masks tonight so that–

RAOUL
So that my officers can mingle undetected backstage.

CHRISTINE
Oh! What a clever idea.

RAOUL
Thank you.

ANATOLE
I procured the masks!

CHRISTINE
What a clever idea, both of you.

MADISON
Yeah, but the Phantom wears a mask. How will you know if he shows up if everyone is wearing masks?

ANATOLE/RAOUL
Well… Uh… You see… Um…

MADISON
Why don’t I just take Christine home?

CHRISTINE
No. I must stay. I must see this through.

RAOUL
She will be safe here in her dressing room. I will put two officers just outside the door.

MADISON
Guards outside the door? When in the history of TV and movies has that ever worked? The guards are either knocked out, killed or fall asleep or something. Or the bad guy finds some alternate way into the room.

ANATOLE/RAOUL
I’ll lock the window!

CHRISTINE/MADISON
It’s locked!

RAOUL
Don’t worry, Christine. With all the eyes of the Sûreté on you–

ANATOLE
And all of the eyes of the theater.

RAOUL
This Phantom will not escape us tonight.

MADISON
Are you taking bets?

SCENE TEN

CLAUDIN
Gentlemen, I have been very patient. Now I learn that Christine DuBois will not sing. Gentlemen, if Madame Lorenzi sings in her place, you will be responsible! Two are dead now — only two. There will be more, gentlemen — many, many more.

MADISON
Well, Madame Lorenzi did sing the lead that night. And everyone was on edge. I even saw one of the French cops pull his gun on the wardrobe mistress when she tried to help Anatole during his quick change. He ended up rushing back on stage hiking up his pants. Through the first act, the opera company jumped like a cat next to a cucumber, but by the end of the second act, everyone started to relax into a false sense of security. Because while everyone was watching for trouble backstage, we would all realize too late that death was coming from the audience.

MAN
Look out!

MADISON
You were waiting for the chandelier moment. Yup. It came crashing down onto the audience at the act two finale. And I bet those people paid a lot of money for their fifth row center seats. After that, it was total chaos both in front of the house, and backstage.

VILLENEUVE
Get doctors! Doctors! Get every doctor you can find in Paris!

RAOUL
Watch every entrance! Let no one in or out except doctors and the injured!

ANATOLE
Christine?! Christine?! Where are you?!

RAOUL
She’s in her dressing room!

ANATOLE
No, she’s not in her dressing room! I’ve been there. And your guards weren’t there, either!

RAOUL
They must’ve taken her to safety!

MADISON
Do you want to tell them, or should I?

SCENE ELEVEN

CLAUDIN
This way, Mademoiselle. Hold tight to my hand, the steps are quite steep.

CHRISTINE
Are– are you one of the police? Where is Inspector D’Aubert?

CLAUDIN
He’s investigating the cause of the accident. I’ll look after you.

CHRISTINE
But why do we have to come down here?

CLAUDIN
Why? Don’t you like it down here? It’s very lovely, once you get used to it.

CHRISTINE
Wait, please.

CLAUDIN
Yes?

CHRISTINE
Let– let me see your face. Take off your mask.

CLAUDIN
Oh, no, no. No, my dear, I must never do that. Never.

CHRISTINE
You– you’re not one of the police!

CLAUDIN
Don’t be frightened. I’ll watch over you. I’ve always watched over you, Christine. No! No, you must not do that. You’ll stay here with me, child.

CHRISTINE
No.

CLAUDIN
Won’t you?

CHRISTINE
No.

CLAUDIN
It’s been so lonely without you. But you’ve come to me at last, haven’t you?

CHRISTINE
No!

CLAUDIN
Sing to me and I’ll play.

CHRISTINE
No!!

CLAUDIN
We’ll be together forever!

CHRISTINE
No!!!

MADISON
“No” means “No!”, Phantom.

CLAUDIN
You! What are you doing here?! How did you find us?!

MADISON
I’ve been studying up on the French sewer systems of the late 1800s. It’s fascinating how–

CLAUDIN
You are not taking Christine back! She is mine now!

CHRISTINE
Please, Monsieur! Please let me go.

CLAUDIN
Don’t you understand, Christine? It is I who has taken care of you all this time. It is I who has paid for your singing lessons!

CHRISTINE
You paid for my lessons?

CLAUDIN
Yes! And now you can sing for me and only me!

CHRISTINE
No!

MADISON
Seriously, Claude. You chose to anonymously pay for her singing lessons. Therefore, she is not obligated to you in any way. She should probably say, “thank you.” Christine. “Thank you.”

CHRISTINE
Oh! Oh, yes! “Thank you.”

MADISON
And now she’ll be going.

CLAUDIN
But it is I who strangled Biancarolli so Christine could be the star! And it was I who released the chandelier when she was denied the role!

MADISON
So the chandelier was you? Oof. You might be seeing some lawsuits on that one.

CHRISTINE
And probably jail time for the murder?

MADISON
Yeah, and this is France. We’re talkin’ guillotine.

CLAUDIN
Not if the Sûreté cannot find us deep in these cavernous catacombs! Didn’t I tell you it was beautiful here? You didn’t know we had a lake all to ourselves. Look at your lake, Christine!

MADISON
A lake? Where?! Oh, this is too cool. It must’ve been an underground water pocket that–

CLAUDIN
We’re right under the opera house and the music comes down and the darkness distills it, cleanses it of the suffering that made it. Then it’s all beauty, and life here is like a resurrection. I came here when my face was on fire. I found calmness in that dark water and comfort in the blackness over it. Then I heard you sing.

CHRISTINE
You– you heard me? From here?

CLAUDIN
Oh, yes. Why, this is my private auditorium. You can hear the opera almost as well as from the highest balcony.

MADISON
Well, all right. Let’s go down to your lair or whatever. I wanna check out the acoustics in this sewer.

CLAUDIN
You are not invited.

MADISON
If you don’t take me with you, I’ll tell Raoul and his cop buddies where you are.

CLAUDIN
I could prevent that by strangling you.

MADISON
Point taken.

CHRISTINE
I won’t go with you unless you take off that mask. Here, let me take it off for you!

CLAUDIN
No! Don’t touch it! No!!

CHRISTINE/MADISON
Ew.

CLAUDIN
You’ll never live here now, will you? You’ll hate me — a loathsome creature! Hateful, repulsive!

MADISON
I think it’s less your looks and more your body count that’s the real turn off.

ANATOLE
Christine?! Christine, where are you?!

CHRISTINE
It’s Anatole!

RAOUL
Use my lantern.

CHRISTINE
And Raoul!

CLAUDIN
You lead them to me! Now you must die, too!

MADISON
Ahh! Christine! Little help!

CHRISTINE
The walls! The rocks are giving way! The entire place is ready to crumble!

MADISON
Impossible! These sewer walls are reinforced with–

CLAUDIN
Why can’t you shut up?!

CHRISTINE
The walls!!

ANATOLE
Christine!! Keeping shouting! We’re coming!!

CHRISTINE
Anatole! Raoul!

CLAUDIN
No! No! Don’t lead them here!

MADISON
That’s it!

CHRISTINE
Madison! You kneed him in the–

MADISON
The opera need another soprano?

RAOUL
Look! Look up there, just ahead!

ANATOLE
Christine!

CHRISTINE
They’ve found us!

MADISON
The place is comin’ down! Let’s get outta here!

CLAUDIN
No!!!

ANATOLE
Christine! Take my hand!

RAOUL
No, Christine, take my hand!

MADISON
What about me, you douche nozzles?!

CLAUDIN
You fools! You cannot kill me! Nothing can kill me!

SCENE TWELVE

MADISON
Yeah, so, the Phantom was crushed to death. To wrap this baby up, they did the necessary repairs to the theater. And since the chandelier falling was determined to be an “act of Phantom” the theater wasn’t held liable. Christine, of course, stepped in for the lead. I decided my time as a chorus girl was behind me. Especially when this new ballerina, Meg, showed up and suddenly Amoit was too busy to see me. Pfft. Which love interest did Christine end up with, you ask? Her decision came after my last performance…

CHRISTINE
Madison! Will you get that for me? I’m trying to change out of my costume.

MADISON
Are you receiving visitors?

CHRISTINE
Certain ones, yes.

ANATOLE
Excuse me! Excuse me! Please let go of my pants, Madame! Thank you! Ah. Mademoiselle Standish. I understand tonight was your last performance.

MADISON
Gonna miss me?

CHRISTINE
Oh, Anatole!

ANATOLE
Christine, you were magnificent! Incomparable, beautiful, a sensation!

MADISON
Guess not.

ANATOLE
It would take days and years to tell you how wonderful you were. You and I shall have supper tonight at the Café de l’Opéra.

CHRISTINE
Well, I’m terribly sorry, Anatole, but–

MADISON
I got it.

RAOUL
Christine! Oh. Hello, Mademoiselle Standish.

MADISON
Oh, hey there, hunky cop. Did you know this was my last–

RAOUL
Christine!

MADISON
–night in the opera.

RAOUL
How soon will you be ready, my dear? The carriage is waiting.

ANATOLE
You’re going to supper with the policeman?

RAOUL
Inspector.

CHRISTINE
I have an idea. Why can’t we three have supper together?

RAOUL
I am not in the habit of taking baritones to supper.

ANATOLE
And I don’t care to be seen in public with the police.

MADISON
I could eat.

RAOUL
Christine, you will have to make up your mind finally and irrevocably between the two of us.

ANATOLE
Exactly.

CHRISTINE
Very well. Will you gentlemen excuse me? Good night.

ANATOLE/RAOUL

What?!

CROWD MAN
Christine! You were marvelous!

CROWD WOMAN
Christine! You were unbelievable!

CROWD
Christine! Christine! Christine!!

RAOUL
Something tells me, Monsieur, that Christine has gone to meet her public.

ANATOLE
So it seems.

RAOUL
Monsieur Garron, would you join me for a bit of supper?

ANATOLE
With pleasure, Monsieur.

MADISON
Great! Let’s go. I’m starving.

RAOUL
Think we can get through that crowd?

ANATOLE
Certainly. After all, who’d pay any attention to a baritone and a detective?

MADISON
And a chorus girl, right?

RAOUL
After you, Monsieur.

ANATOLE
Oh, no, after you, Monsieur.

MADISON
Hang on a sec, let me just get my– –coat. Call me crazy, but Christine choosing her career over all these guys who wanted to possess her is kinda progressive for the 1940s. Go Christine. And as the Phantom said in his dying words… “It’s over now. The music of the night — Ahhh! I’m being crushed to death! Help!! Ahhh!” He was a murderer you guys. He shouldn’t live. It’s called justice.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
Universal Studios first acquired the rights to “Phantom of the Opera” for their 1925 silent film starring Lon Chaney as the Phantom, which had been a huge success in the studio’s popular horror genre. However, with the censorship of the early 1940s, Universal decided to tone down the horror and focus more on the opera music — there was a lot in this movie — which lead to a broader audience. The Lux Radio Theater premiered their new season with “The Phantom of the Opera” in September of 1943, only one month after its theatrical release and with its New York City premiere set for October. The lead singers of the film, Nelson Eddy and Susanna Foster, were in the Lux production, but the Phantom, played on film by Claude Rains, was substituted by our favorite Sherlock, Basil Rathbone. In its day, the film had mixed reviews not really pleasing horror fans or music fans, but in later years, this 1943 “Phantom of the Opera,” which won Academy Awards for Best Art Direction and Best Cinematography, has become a revered classic in the Universal catalogue. And if you want to learn more about the Hollywood “Lost Years of Horror” I did a whole Mad Facts about it! Link in the show notes!