MADISON ON THE AIR: “PRIDE & PREJUDICE” – THE THEATER OF ROMANCE

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: DECEMBER 2025

SCENE ONE

MADISON
Hey, everybody! So like, we’ve done a lot of popular genres of old timey radio from noir to superheroes, comedies, westerns, horror and sci-fi. But you guys, there is literally three decades of content from the Golden Age of Radio. And this episode showcases a genre we haven’t done yet… romance.

NARRATOR
Good evening and welcome to “The Theater of Romance.” We are ready to guide you through the pages of one of the world’s greatest love stories. Tonight we bring you Elizabeth Bennet — who is too proud for love — and Mr. Darcy — who is too prejudiced for romance — in our adaptation of Jane Austen’s famous novel, “Pride and Prejudice.” “Pride and Prejudice” is a story based on a certain belief widely subscribed to by mothers at the turn of the 18th Century.

MRS. BENNET
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

NARRATOR
The lady you just heard speaking is Mrs. Bennet, wife of Mr. Bennet of the estate known as Longbourn in England, and mother of five daughters.

JANE
Jane.

LYDIA
Lydia!

KITTY
Kitty!

MARY
Mary.

NARRATOR
Finding a single man in possession of a good fortune for five girls–

MRS. BENNET
Wait a moment! That was only four girls. Elizabeth!!! Elizabeth!!!

LYDIA
She is being lazy in bed, Mother.

JANE
Lydia! To say such things!

MRS. BENNET
Oh, Jane! Don’t correct your sister!

KITTY
Yes! She only speaks the truth!

LYDIA
You see? Kitty agrees with me.

MARY
Mother? May I be excused?

MRS. BENNET
Mary, dear, please don’t interrupt. I cannot find Elizabeth! Elizabeth!!

LYDIA
Mother! Elizabeth won’t make us late for the ball, will she?

KITTY
Oh, I simply couldn’t bear it if we were late!

NARRATOR
We’re going to tell you the story of the Bennet’s second eldest daughter, Elizabeth–

MRS. BENNET
Elizabeth!!!

NARRATOR
Elizabeth Bennet was a beautiful girl. Proud? Oh, my yes. And prejudiced? Oh, very strongly against a certain Mr. Darcy. This is why: The Bennet girls were at a ball given by a new man in the community, a Mr. Bingley, who appeared quite interested in Elizabeth’s elder sister, Jane. Well, at the ball…

JANE
Lizzie! There you are! Why are you sitting out the dance? There are plenty of partners to be had.

MADISON
Oh, if there are so many partners, why are you only dancing with — Mr. Bingley?

JANE
I… was honored that he asked me.

MADISON
Girl, I can tell through all those petticoats that you’re hot in the nethers for that man.

JANE
Lizzie!

MADISON
Hey, I get it. Men in pleats and ruffles and leather boots — Mmm! In my day, the only men who dress that nice are gay. Fun to watch, can’t take ’em home.

JANE
Well, what about Mr. Bingley’s friend, Mr. Darcy? I’m sure you could get an introduction.

MADISON
Eh. This early 1800’s dancing is such a tease. All this palm to palm hand touching. Uck. Like, get me out on the dance floor with Patrick Swayze and I’ll show you some moves.

JANE
All right, Lizzie, waste the entire ball out here. I don’t wish to miss a moment of it.

MADISON
Girl is repressed and doesn’t even know it.

BINGLEY
Why aren’t you dancing, Darcy? Come on, let me see you dance a few sets.

DARCY
Thank you, no, Bingley. You are dancing with the only pretty girl in the room.

BINGLEY
Jane Bennet.

MADISON
I won’t take that as an insult. I’m not actually in the room.

BINGLEY
Yes, she is beautiful. I’ll not deny that. But there’s also her sister, Elizabeth, who’s very beautiful, herself.

MADISON
Boy’s got taste.

BINGLEY
Come along, Darcy, let me present you to her.

DARCY
Sorry, old man. She may look all right to you, but she doesn’t tempt me.

MADISON
Screw you!

DARCY
Did… you say something, Bingley?

BINGLEY
No. But I will say that you’re a fool to turn down Elizabeth.

MADISON
Damn straight.

DARCY
I appreciate your love-swept mood, my friend, but I’m rather particular about who I dance with, and I am not in a good enough humor to put up with the ladies who have no partners.

MADISON
Okay, trigger moment. This is like the Junior High dance I went to where I overheard the guy I had a crush on say he wouldn’t go out with me because wanted to date a Jackie, not a Marilyn. Oh, wait. That was “Legally Blonde.” Ya know, that’s what this ball needs. A little bend… and snap.

SCENE TWO

NARRATOR
You can easily see why Elizabeth Bennet became more than a little prejudice against Mr. Darcy. The next time they came together was at a party given by Sir William Lucas. Elizabeth was just crossing the room when…

SIR WILLIAM
Elizabeth, my dear, how charming you look this evening. Mr. Darcy, you must permit me to introduce this young lady to you as a most desirable dancing partner.

DARCY
Thank you, Sir William. Miss Bennet, may I–

MADISON
Don’t worry, Darcy. I have as much interest in dancing as I do castrating a pig. Which I walked in on yesterday. From now on I knock before I enter the barn.

DARCY
Well, surely you won’t refuse me.

MADISON
Aw, rich boy not used to rejection? I don’t care how much you got in the bank, I’m rather particular about who I dance with. I think you can relate.

SIR WILLIAM
Why, Miss Bennet–

MADISON
Sorry, Sir William. Nice party, loved the buffet, but I’m tired. So, I’m gonna find me another cater-waiter handing out champagne and then I’m out. ‘Scuse me. Phew, it was gettin’ kinda rank in there. Movies always show these balls as so fancy and elegant, but they don’t capture the smell of a crowded room full of people dancing wearing heavy garments in an era before air conditioning and deodorant.

DARCY
Miss Bennet.

MADISON
Ah!

DARCY
Oh, I do apologize. I hadn’t meant to startle you. Please, allow me to fetch you another glass.

MADISON
Nah, it’s fine. This is why parties evolved from using crystal to solo cups.

DARCY
Er… Lovely evening tonight.

MADISON
Beats being home doing needlework by candlelight. I’m either gonna go blind or bleed out from stabbing myself so much.

DARCY
Don’t you know that it takes two people to fully appreciate a moonlit evening? You shouldn’t be sitting here by yourself.

MADISON
Nice line. Especially love the arrogance that you think you can add anything to my moonlit evening. Are you also gonna tell me I’d be prettier if I smiled more?

DARCY
You don’t like me, do you, Miss Bennet?

MADISON
Congratulations! You just won the understatement of the year award.

DARCY
I’m very sorry. For, there’s something that seems to draw me to you. The room was suddenly empty when you walked out of it. Perhaps it was my heart.

MADISON
If you wanna girl to swallow that poetic tripe, try avoiding breaking her champagne glass so she’s properly drunk to hear it.

DARCY
Why do you dislike me?

MADISON
Oh, dude, thesis papers have been written on why Elizabeth rejects Mr. Darcy. I could print one out for you.

DARCY
Well, then, I certainly won’t force myself upon you any longer. Good evening, Miss Bennet.

MADISON
Good evening, Mr. Darcy. Hey, here’s a theory that Mr. Darcy’s behavior comes from his being autistic. That would make my character a major bitch! No, we’re stickin’ with him just bein’ a jerk.

SCENE THREE
JANE
It’s so late, Lizzie. We really should go to bed.

MADISON
I know, but the moonlight’s so bright. We seriously need some blackout curtains.

JANE
Lizzie, don’t you think Mr. Bingley is very handsome?

MADISON
Very.

JANE
And extremely clever?

MADISON
Extremely.

JANE
And delightfully charming?

MADISON
O.M.G. Are we gonna talk about your boy-crush all night?

JANE
Lizzie, where are you going?

MADISON
Here. Why don’t you write “Jane Bingley” with a little heart dotting the “i” over and over again in this journal. Then I can get some sleep.

JANE
This is your journal.

MADISON
Yeah, so?

JANE
Oh! You wrote something in here dated the night of Sir Williams’ party.

MADISON
I didn’t give you the journal for you to go through it!

JANE
My word! “I dislike Mr. Darcy.” “Mr. Darcy is a pig.” “Castrate Mr. Darcy?!”

MADISON
I was in a mood.

JANE
You drew pictures!

MADISON
Yeah, that one’s pretty good, huh? I tried to be anatomically correct, so I traced it from one of father’s medical books.

JANE
I think I’m going to be sick.

MADISON
Then you’re gonna have a helluva wedding night.

SCENE FOUR

NARRATOR
Now, while Jane tried to recover her stomach and return to thoughts of Mr. Bingley, and while Elizabeth was expressing her dislike of Mr. Darcy in some rather disturbing drawings, Mrs. Bennet was busy settling their lives for them.

BENNET
Mrs. Bennet, will you please come to bed? You make me so nervous charging up and down the room that I can’t close my eyes.

MRS. BENNET
Well, clearly, Mr. Bennet, you don’t care as much about the future of your daughters as I do! So I’ve got to get them married and settled by myself. Good heavens, I have five on my hands, and practically no one I know has more than two to worry about.

BENNET
Mrs. Bennet, why not leave that in the hands of providence for tonight? There’s really a very small chance of you getting them married at three o’clock in the morning.

MRS. BENNET
Jane, of course, will marry Mr. Bingley. Now Elizabeth. I think Elizabeth must marry Mr. Collins.

BENNET
Mr. Collins? That unpleasant cousin of mine?

MRS. BENNET
That cousin of yours due to inherit all of your worldly possessions upon your demise? Yes! That cousin!

BENNET
I might put off my demise if I were able to get some sleep.

MRS. BENNET
It’s an ideal pairing. Mr. Collins told me Monday that when he arrives for his visit, he wishes to marry and take a wife back with him. I think that may as well be Elizabeth.

BENNET
And suppose Elizabeth isn’t in love with Mr. Collins?

MRS. BENNET
Mr. Bennet! I can’t wait around for her to fall in love!

BENNET
And miss out on our wedded bliss?

MRS. BENNET
How can you mock me when I have this insurmountable task to marry off five daughters?!

BENNET
All right! If I give Mr. Collins my permission to speak to Elizabeth, may I go to sleep now, Mrs. Bennet?

MRS. BENNET
Yes, Mr. Bennet, you may.

BENNET
If I had any inkling that the activities in this bedchamber would lead to so many sleepless nights in twenty years time, I would’ve stayed those nights in the barn.

SCENE FIVE

LYDIA
It is such a shame you arrived when you did, Mr. Collins.

COLLINS
Is… that so, Miss Lydia?

KITTY
Yes! There was a grand parade in town with soldiers!

COLLINS
Then, Miss Kitty, I am sorry I missed the spectacle.

LYDIA
Elizabeth, you liked seeing the soldiers, too, didn’t you? Especially Lieutenant George Wickham!

COLLINS
Indeed?

MADISON
Okay, to answer, yes, I do go for a guy in a uniform, but it depends on the uniform. Really fit guy in a sports uniform? Yes. Same guy in a polo shirt at Taco Bell? I’m running for the boarder.

MRS. BENNET
Girls! This is hardly fit conversation for Mr. Collins’ company!

JANE
Mother, Lizzie has a perfectly rational reason for liking Lieutenant Wickham.

COLLINS
You… like him, Miss Elizabeth?

MADISON
I like him because he doesn’t like Mr. Darcy. Sorta enemy of my enemy is my friend kinda thing.

MRS. BENNET
All right, girls! I believe we’ve had enough socializing for the evening. We shall leave Elizabeth to entertain Mr. Collins.

MADISON
Wait, what?

LYDIA
Yes! We must leave them alone!

KITTY
Yes! Let’s do!

MRS. BENNET
Mary! Stop pounding away on that pianoforte!

MARY
But, Mother!

MRS. BENNET
No arguments! Come along now, all of you!

MADISON
Dude! Jane! Why am I being left alone with Reverend Smurf over here? The dude’s so short he’s gotta be only three apples high.

JANE
I believe Mother hopes you two will marry.

MADISON
Uh… isn’t he Dad’s cousin? Are we in the Arkansas part of England?

MRS. BENNET
Jane!!! Come away from there! Now!

JANE
Good luck.

COLLINS
Miss Elizabeth, perhaps it would be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying.

MADISON
Oh, no, please don’t.

COLLINS
Do not interrupt.

MADISON
That isn’t helping.

COLLINS
Firstly, I think that every clergyman should set an example in matrimony to his parish.

MADISON
To detract from allegations about him and the alter boys?

COLLINS
Secondly, I think–

MADISON
Dude! You need to shut this down, right now.

COLLINS
I am prepared to be refused at first. I shall not let it upset me. I shall ask you again.

MADISON
N-n-no. No, you won’t. This is chess team asking out the head cheerleader. Not even in your wildest wet dreams.

COLLINS
My patroness and esteemed friend, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, will be most disappointed if you decline.

MADISON
Oh, no, we don’t want to upset the Lady… whoever the hell you’re talking about.

COLLINS
Lady Catherine de Bourgh. She is actually the aunt to Mr. Darcy.

MADISON
Ah. The Lady and the Tramp.

COLLINS
I’ve already informed her of my intentions towards you. She’s most anxious to see me settled. And to see her own daughter settle with
Mr. Darcy.

MADISON
Geez. Is this story actually called, “Pride and Prejudice and Incest?”

COLLINS
Mr. Darcy and her daughter have been engaged since they were born. Lady Catherine and Mr. Darcy’s mother made all the arrangements.

MADISON
Well, happy birth defects to the lovely couple.

COLLINS
You look unhappy. I am sorry. You and your sisters made it plain that you are no friend to Mr. Darcy.

MADISON
He’s only the most impossible, vain, egotistical, unpleasant, ill-mannered ass that it’s ever been my bad fortune to meet.

COLLINS
I see. I’m sorry, I didn’t mention Mr. Darcy sooner, Miss Elizabeth. I would’ve known then why there is no hope for me. Good night.

MADISON
It’s not because of Mr. Darcy! It’s because you’re my cousin! Seriously! Even the Clampetts never tried to marry off Jethro and Ellie Mae.

SCENE SIX

MRS. BENNET
Mr. Bennet, you’ll kindly speak to your daughter, Elizabeth, immediately!

BENNET
What has she done, Mrs. Bennet?

MADISON
I said no to marrying your cousin. Because a family tree shouldn’t be shaped like a pretzel.

MRS. BENNET
I am not speaking to Elizabeth at the moment, Mr. Bennet. I expect you to inform her that you insist upon her marrying Mr. Collins.

BENNET
Well, Elizabeth, an unhappy alternative seems to be before you. From this day, you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never speak to you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never speak to you again if you do.

MADISON
Ha!

MRS. BENNET
Mr. Bennet! This is the grossest insubordination!

BENNET
Yes, Mrs. Bennet.

MRS. BENNET
Elizabeth! Do you want to be an old maid?

MADISON
I want to marry for love. And preferably someone who doesn’t already come to our family reunions.

MRS. BENNET
As far back as I can remember, there has never been an old maid in either your father’s family or mine!

MADISON
Oh, yeah? Really think on it. In this family, there’s never been an unmarried woman with a long term female roommate?

MRS. BENNET
I’m going to be upset! And you don’t really want to upset me, do you, Elizabeth?

MADISON
I don’t want to upset you, but I also don’t want to marry my cousin. So, of the two… I think I can live with you not speaking to me.

MRS. BENNET
I am hurt deeply, Elizabeth. Deeply and gravely.

MADISON
Hey, I’m saving you from having a bunch of really short and ugly grandchildren. Appreciate you, Dad.

MRS. BENNET
Oh, dear me. Girls nowadays are not as obedient as they used to be.

BENNET
Maybe just as well, Mrs. Bennet. Uh, now I shall be glad to have the library to myself, if you don’t mind.

MRS. BENNET
At least Jane is not defying me. Jane will marry Mr. Bingley and then I’ll only have four girls to worry about.

BENNET
Didn’t your cousin Clara have a long term female roommate?

SCENE SEVEN

DARCY
Miss Bennet! Oh, Miss Bennet!

MADISON
Crap! Mr. Darcy. I thought the benefit of living in the country is you didn’t have to see people.

DARCY
Good day, Miss Bennet. We seem to be walking in the same direction.

MADISON
I’m not slowin’ down for you, pantaloons.

DARCY
Surely, you can’t keep this pace for your entire walk.

MADISON
I’m power walking.

DARCY
Perhaps you could slow down for… just a moment? I wish to say goodbye.

MADISON
Goodbye!

DARCY
Mr. Bingley and I are leaving shortly.

MADISON
Wait. I thought you and Bingley were gonna be here all winter.

DARCY
We had a change of plans. My sister has not been well, and I’m taking her to Italy. Bingley is coming along with us. He and Georgiana have, well… there’s been an understanding between them for some time. You follow me, don’t you?

MADISON
Not really. You’re introducing your sister pretty late in the plot.

DARCY
Well, I think they’ll be getting married in the spring. As soon as we can work it out. When two people are in love, there’s no point in waiting.

MADISON
Okay, let me get this straight. Bingley has been engaged to your sister while coming on to my sister?

DARCY
Miss Bennet, you have a designing mother, to be sure. But my sister’s happiness is at stake.

MADISON
Oh, okay. So my sister, Jane’s, happiness– Who cares?

DARCY
I should be very sorry if this causes her pain. But after all, she and Bingley have not been acquainted very long, and there has certainly been nothing serious between them.

MADISON
Mr. Darcy, I’ve met some thoroughly despicable people in my day — even ones without minions — but no one as despicable as you!

DARCY
And I’ve met some shrews in my day, Miss Bennet, but never a more bad tempered one than you!

MADISON
You’re comin’ at me?! When you’re the one breaking up Jane and Bingley?

DARCY
If he thought so much of Jane, he would refuse to leave.

MADISON
Oh, right! Like you haven’t been tellin’ him lies about her sleeping around and badmouthing him behind his back?!

DARCY
What?! I never said any such thing.

MADISON
No? That’s what I usually say when I’m trying to break up a couple.

DARCY
I never lie, Miss Bennet. And if I thought your sister and Bingley could be happy, I would do everything in my power to keep them together.

MADISON
Why don’t you just butt out of it?

DARCY
Because I’m not going to see a friend of mine taken in by a scheming woman.

MADISON
Whoa!

DARCY
Your mother and sister have set out to trick Bingley into the marriage by fair means or foul, and they’re not going to get away with it.

MADISON
Oh! No, you did not just say that!

DARCY
Your mother talks too much, Miss Bennet, much too much for someone after such an elusive thing as a proposal of marriage. She’s been telling everyone in the neighborhood that Miss Jane and Bingley were as good as engaged. Well, now that she’s made that little bed, she and Jane will have to lie in it. Alone.

MADISON
Okay, fine. My mom makes JonBenet Ramsey’s mom look like mother of the year. I get it. But don’t blame Jon! Er– Jane!

DARCY
I bid you good day, Miss Bennet. Good day and goodbye. I’m… sorry we were never able to get along because I think you’re a fine and beautiful woman. Whatever I think of the designs of your mother and sister.

MADISON
Like I give a crap what you think about me?

DARCY
No. I entertain no such hopes, Miss Bennet. If I ever had any little conceits, you’ve long since destroyed them. Undoubtedly, that will give you great personal satisfaction.

MADISON
Yeah, whatevs. Caio. Have fun in Italy.

DARCY
If it’s any consolation to you, I won’t. You see, I haven’t escaped entirely unscathed in this fray. I have a few wounds to lick myself. Goodbye, Miss Bennet.

MADISON
Did he just say he’s gonna lick himself?

SCENE EIGHT

BENNET
Mrs. Bennet, will you kindly stop that infernal noise.

MRS. BENNET
Oh! My poor Jane! My brokenhearted baby! How could any man be so cruel and black hearted? How could any man go off without a word of farewell after all of the attention she showed him?

LYDIA
She should find a nice solider to marry.

KITTY
Lydia, all you talk about are soldiers!

LYDIA
What’s so very wrong with that?

MADISON
Could we all just go to bed, please? This is like the all-girls dorms in college. Way too much estrogen in one place.

MRS. BENNET
How can you be so callous, Elizabeth Bennet! Don’t you care that your sister has a broken heart?

MARY
I’m not interested in men. I should indefinitely prefer a book.

MRS. BENNET
Mary!!

MADISON
I think we know who’s gonna be lookin’ for a female roommate.

BENNET
Mrs. Bennet, don’t you think it’d be so much better for Jane and for you and for all the rest of us if you’d just go to sleep.

MRS. BENNET
Oh, when I think of how that man has treated her, going off without even saying goodbye!

MADISON
He sent a note. Kinda like breaking up via text. I mean, it’s better than ghosting but, that’s a wuss move.

MRS. BENNET
Oh, when I think how I felt when that note came! Oh!!!

JANE
Mother, please stop crying about me. I’m all right.

MRS. BENNET
Oh, my baby. My poor brokenhearted baby!

JANE
Mother, I don’t want to hear anymore of this. It’s humiliating and very upsetting. I would appreciate it if you never mentioned Mr. Bingley’s name to me again. Come on, Lizzie. Let’s go back to our room. Goodnight, everyone.

BENNET
Goodnight, girls.

LYDIA
Aw! Do we have to go to bed?

BENNET
Yes. And no lying awake talking until all hours.

KITTY
We don’t do that!

MARY
You do that every night!

LYDIA
What do you know, Mary? No soldier will ever love you!

MADISON
Actually, the military has a lot of… female roommates.

BENNET
All right, girls! To bed!

MRS. BENNET
Oh, Mr. Bennet! Now, I’ve got to start from scratch again. I’ve got five daughters and not one husband in sight. I declare I could just cry!!

BENNET
Perhaps I should go sleep in the barn. I envy those castrated pigs.

SCENE NINE

JANE
Lizzie! Please don’t hum that song. That’s one of Mr. Bingley’s favorite songs.

MADISON
Bingley likes Bugs Bunny?

JANE
Lizzie, I’m afraid I love him very much. I ought to be too proud to admit that, but tonight I don’t seem to have any pride left. All I can think of is how lovely life was for a few weeks. How lovely it might have been.

MADISON
See, that’s the thing. When we go through a breakup with someone, it’s not that we miss them, per se, it’s that we miss the fantasy of what we thought we were gonna have with them. A fantasy that we absolutely never could have had with them because they were clearly not meant for us or else they wouldn’t have left.

JANE
You don’t know what it’s like, Lizzie.

MADISON
I thought that was pretty on the money.

JANE
It hurts so much. You wanna die, and yet you know you won’t die. That you’ll go on living with the hurt. And when the hurt finally goes, you’ll be completely empty.

MADISON
I want to honor your feelings and not diminish your pain, but gurl you did just meet the dude.

JANE
You can’t understand! You’ve never been in love.

MADISON
You don’t know!

JANE
You’ve never spoken of it.

MADISON
Maybe I wrote in my journal about it and just didn’t tell you.

JANE
Your journal is full of hateful thoughts against Mr. Darcy. Oh! Oh, my word!

MADISON
No, no, nope. Don’t say it!

JANE
Oh, Lizzie!

MADISON
Ya know what? Let’s go back to talking about Bingley. He was a major catch but didn’t want you and now you’ll be alone forever.

JANE
Lizzie, I’m sorry. How selfish of me. You know far more about how love can hurt than I. At least I had a few weeks of happiness.

MADISON
You’re totally reading into this. I’m so not in love.

JANE
The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

MADISON
There’s no Shakespeare in Jane Austen!

JANE
Don’t be too proud, Elizabeth. The pride is such a lonely thing when you choose it in place of love.

MADISON
I’m good with pride. Love me some pride. I’ve got so much pride I could have a parade. A pride parade.

SCENE TEN

MRS. BENNET
Elizabeth!

LYDIA
Elizabeth, it’s Mr. Darcy!

MADISON
I don’t love him! I mean… what about Mr. Darcy?

KITTY
He’s in the parlor right now!

MADISON
What?

MRS. BENNET
He’s come to call on you.

MADISON
Mr. Darcy’s here to see me?

MRS. BENNET
That’s right! Hurry along, dear!

LYDIA
You won’t be kind to him, will you?

MADISON
Unlikely. Why?

KITTY
Because Mr. Darcy was cruel to Lieutenant Wickham and Lydia loves Lieutenant Wickham!

LYDIA
I do not!

KITTY
Yes, you do!

MRS. BENNET
Girls! Girls, please! Go along now, Elizabeth! Mr. Darcy is waiting! Now, Kitty, stop teasing your sister!

KITTY
Me?! What about her?!

MADISON
Uck. Can we just admit that most of the love in these stories is teenage infatuation and not the “love of the ages”? Well, Mr. Darcy, this is a surprise.

DARCY
Good afternoon, Miss Bennet.

MADISON
Hey! Mary!

MARY
I was entertaining Mr. Darcy until you arrived.

MADISON
Well, I’ve arrived. So hit the bricks.

DARCY
Your playing, Mary, is quite lovely, thank you.

MARY
You’re most welcome, Mr. Darcy.

MADISON
So, you’re either a liar or tone deaf.

DARCY
Ah, yes. You have shown you are not impressed by compliments.

MADISON
Oh, like the compliment when you called me a shrew? Which, by the way, I looked up. What right do you have to call me a small, insect-eating mammal related to the mole?

DARCY
“Shrew” means you’re an… ill-mannered, quarrelsome and malicious woman.

MADISON
Oh, okay, that makes more sense.

DARCY
Miss Bennet…

MADISON
You’re back from Italy early. What’s the matter? Pope kick you out?

DARCY
No, no, eh… Miss Bennet, there is something I must tell you. It’s not at all easy, since you’ve gone to such pains as to let me see how distasteful I am to you.

MADISON
I also have drawings. You wanna see my journal?

DARCY
Uh, no. Thank you. Miss Bennet…I love you and I have to tell you.

MADISON
Whoa! Have you been getting into the Mulberry wine?

DARCY
No. I am speaking from my heart.

MADISON
Let’s just walk this back a sec. You ruin my sister’s life, and then you’ve got the nerve to stand here in my parlor and tell me that you love me? The cojones on this guy.

DARCY
I do love you, with all my heart. I wished you loved me, too. Elizabeth, will you marry me? I offer you a name of some honor through many generations, security and comfort. And my great devotion.

MADISON
And, in a not-so-shocking finale moment, Elizabeth denies the Bachelor’s rose, instead impaling him with the thorns.

DARCY
I hoped you might accept me. But you just painted a very visual picture of your rejection.

MADISON
Dude, Darcy, I never asked for a five star rating from you, and I certainly didn’t ask for this outpouring of your love. And, frankly, I have zero clue why all of a sudden you’re Team Elizabeth.

DARCY
Well, as I said–

MADISON
Not finished! There has been a heck of a lot of crying going on lately here in the Bennet house — mostly from my mother — all thanks to you. So let me say, with the conviction of a Drag Queen in a new bouffant wig, that I would rather marry anyone else on this planet — except cousins or other relatives — than you.

DARCY
Well, then. Forgive me for taking up your time, Miss Bennet. Don’t think that you can make me ashamed of my love, because it is above reproach and the best that’s in me to offer a woman. But I am ashamed of the object of my love. I thought I was kneeling at your feet when I asked you to marry me. Now I see I was stooping a little. Thank you for refusing me. Please accept my best wishes for your health and happiness. Good day.

MADISON
There. That should take care of that. Made my position abundantly clear. Crushed his little heart, so… no coming back from that. Yup. Feelin’ good about that choice. Noooo regrets. I’m just gonna keep talking to myself until I believe it.

SCENE ELEVEN

MADISON
Ma! What’s goin’ on? You’re squealing so loud, I went to check on the pigs.

KITTY
It’s Lydia!

MRS. BENNET
Oh! Lydia!

MADISON
Is she okay?

MARY
She’s run off with a solider.

KITTY
Mary! I was going to tell!

MARY
Well, you hadn’t gotten to it.

KITTY
It’s Lieutenant Wickham!

MRS. BENNET
Oh! Tragedy and ruin!

MADISON
Her majesty, the drama queen.

BENNET
Here, here. What’s wrong, Mrs. Bennet?

KITTY
Lydia’s run off with Lieutenant Wickham!

MADISON
Ya know, Kitty, maybe if something interesting was going on in your life, you wouldn’t gossip about everybody else.

KITTY
Father! Did you hear what she said?!

BENNET
One catastrophe at a time, my dear.

MRS. BENNET
Mr. Bennet! Look at this note! Oh, my baby! My poor baby! Married without her mother there. God bless her.

MADISON
Wait, the note doesn’t say she married the guy. She’s just shakin’ up with him.

MRS. BENNET
Oh, Mr. Bennet! He will marry her, won’t he? No, soldier would be so low as to run off with a young lady and not marry her, would he?

MADISON
Eh… We’re talkin’ milk for free here.

MRS. BENNET
Oh, Mr. Bennet!! Oh, now what am I to do? This will ruin us all! We’ll never get any husbands!

KITTY
No, father! Say it isn’t so!

MADISON
What’s the big deal?

KITTY
Oh, sure, Elizabeth! You can be nonchalant about it after turning down Mr. Darcy.

MARY
And Mr. Collins.

MADISON
I am racking up the marriage proposals, aren’t I?

MRS. BENNET
Oh! What is a mother to do with such daughters?!

BENNET
Calm yourself, Mrs. Bennet. I shall go find Lydia as soon as I can get dressed.

MRS. BENNET
Well, thank heavens for that!

BENNET
If Lydia isn’t married now, she will be very soon. I’ll see to that.

MRS. BENNET
Don’t worry, girls, your father will set things straight.

MADISON
So you’re good with a fifteen year-old getting married? Is this British Arkansas?

LYDIA
I, Lydia Bennet, take thee, George Wickham, to have and to hold…

SCENE TWELVE

MADISON
Dad, I gotta talk to you.

BENNET
Of course, Elizabeth. Until my home is free of daughters, I shan’t expect to have peace in my own library. What can I do for you?

MADISON
Okay, question. When you went to London and did the whole shotgun wedding with Lydia, how did you do it?

BENNET
There was nothing to it, my dear.

MADISON
Lydia says you gave them a thousand pounds. You don’t have a thousand pounds. Where did you get a thousand pounds?

BENNET
My darling, Elizabeth, why concern yourself with something that is over and done?

MADISON
Lydia said Mr. Darcy gave them the money.

BENNET
And came to me to do so in the strictest of confidence. Unfortunately, a fool’s request with your sister involved.

MADISON
Mr. Darcy? Ah, man! I cancelled him. When someone is cancelled, no one else is allowed to like them anymore, even if the reason they were cancelled is based on hearsay and makes no logical sense.

BENNET
Mr. Darcy had heard about Lydia and Wickham, and said the only way to straighten things out was to pay off Wickham’s debts and give them some money to get started.

MADISON
Lots of people start off their marriage in debt. Marriage is basically saying, “I love you so much I’ll help pay down your credit card bills.”

BENNET
I’m afraid if Mr. Darcy hadn’t been so generous, there wouldn’t’ve been a marriage to speak of.

MADISON
And that would’ve ruined the family.

BENNET
It’s a shame that you can’t find anything good about Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth. And it’s a shame that you resent it when you come face-to-face with something that’s so kind and good that you can’t deny it. Are you in love with Mr. Darcy?

MADISON
Ohmygawd! Why does everyone keep asking me if I’m in love with that douche?

BENNET
Maybe because you have so many of the symptoms.

MADISON
Talking to him is all the vaccine I need to prevent any symptoms of love with that human virus.

BENNET
If you say so, my dear.

MADISON
Okay, he did one nice thing for Lydia. Has this family absolutely forgotten that Mr. Darcy drove Mr. Bingley away and ruined Jane’s chance at happiness?

BENNET
All right, Elizabeth, all right.

MADISON
It’s like I’m the only one paying attention to what’s going on around here! I’m always the smartest one in the room. It’s really a burden.

BENNET
Sometimes pigs eat their young.

SCENE THIRTEEN

LADY CATHERINE
Ah, Miss Bennet. Finally.

MADISON
Lady Catherine de Bourgh. I, uh, hope Mary has been keeping you entertained till I got here.

LADY CATHERINE
If you are speaking of music– If you are speaking of music–!

MADISON
Mary!

MARY
Oh. Elizabeth. I hadn’t seen you come in.

LADY CATHERINE
There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of music than myself, or a better natural taste. If I had ever learnt, I would have been a great proficient. Unlike your sister.

MADISON
Well, we keep trying to hide the piano from her but she keeps finding it! All right, Mary. Buh-bye, now.

MARY
Elizabeth?

MADISON
Buh-bye. This is quite an honor, uh, Lady Catherine, having you call on me.

LADY CATHERINE
Yes, it is. I’ve come to talk to you about my nephew, Mr. Darcy. I wish to know once and for all — are you engaged to him?

MADISON
Wow. Where’d you hear that? Are we treading or something?

LADY CATHERINE
Please answer the question.

MADISON
I am not.

LADY CATHERINE
And will you promise me never to enter into such an engagement?

MADISON
Why do you care? Uh, your lady-ness.

LADY CATHERINE
I… “care” because Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter, Anne. From their infancy they have been intended for each other. It was the favorite wish of his mother, as well as of hers. While in their cradles, we planned the union.

MADISON
Geez, and I thought Lydia was too young to get married.

LADY CATHERINE
And now, at the moment when the wishes of both sisters would be accomplished, it seems to be prevented by a young woman of inferior birth, of no importance in the world, and wholly unallied to the family! So, I ask you again, will you promise me never to enter into such an engagement with my nephew?

MADISON
I will not.

LADY CATHERINE
Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy to deny his destiny to his cousin?

MADISON
Yeah, ya see, you just said I was of “inferior birth,” while you’re trying to marry off cousins. Is the music you like dueling banjos?

LADY CATHERINE
You are, then, resolved to have him?

MADISON
I really haven’t made up my mind yet.

LADY CATHERINE
Miss Bennet, I’m leaving and I am seriously displeased.

MADISON
Tell me what to do. My own mother can’t tell me what to do. You all come in here “Ooo, I’m a Lady–” You come back for more?

JANE
Lizzie?

MADISON
Oh, hey, Jane.

JANE
Oh, Lizzie, darling!

BINGLEY
Uh, hello, Miss Bennet.

MADISON
Mr. Bingley? What’re you doing here? I thought you were in Italy.

BINGLEY
I… I only just returned this morning.

MADISON
Didn’t you leave to get away from Jane and marry Mr. Darcy’s fifteen year old sister? Seriously, what’s the age of consent around here?

JANE
Lizzie!

MADISON
What? Mr. Darcy told me he wanted Bingley to marry his sister and protect him from you and mom. Not that I blame you for not wanting our mom as a mother-in-law. They tend to live with their kids in this era, don’t they?

BINGLEY
Well, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I think I wouldn’t even have known that Jane cared if it hadn’t been for Darcy.

MADISON
Darcy?

BINGLEY
Well, of course! He spent all those months in Italy telling me about Jane. I only left, you know, because I couldn’t believe she cared. I wanted to try and get over her, but Darcy kept after me week-in, week-out saying,”Where’s your courage, man? At least go back and ask her!”

JANE
Lizzie, Mr. Bingley and I have something to tell you!

BINGLEY
I still get shaky!

MADISON
I think I can guess. And since both of you are over twenty-one and not related… congrats!

JANE
We owe Mr. Darcy a great deal, Lizzie.

MADISON
I dunno. Bingley still ends up with mom as his mother-in-law.

JANE
You know… Darcy is just outside.

MADISON
He’s here?

BINGLEY
He’d heard Lady Catherine was paying you a visit.

JANE
Go speak with him, Lizzie. Find your happiness as I have.

MADISON
Aw, man… I’ve been a royal bitch to Darcy. Like I should have a title, a crown and a castle for the size of bitch I’ve been. But I’ll try.

SCENE FOURTEEN

MADISON
Yo, Darcy, ‘sup.

DARCY
Miss Bennet.

MADISON
Okay, lemme just get this out. Uh… first, I owe you an apology for telling everyone you’re a total douche-nozzle.

DARCY
Ah, that’s where the rumor started.

MADISON
Spread like wildfire, didn’t it? Uh, second, I’m… grateful that you have been helping my family. Like… you’ve gotten two of my sisters married so, really, my mom should be thanking you.

DARCY
Oh, she has. At least, that’s what I believe she was saying through her excessive wailing.

MADISON
Yeah, try living with her. Uh… third–

DARCY
Please don’t speak on it. It isn’t gratitude that I want from you, Elizabeth. My Aunt Catherine just told me that she came to see you and that… well… you refused to promise not to marry me.

MADISON
Oh, yeah, well, I’m not really good with people trying to tell me what I can and cannot do, ya know what I mean?

DARCY
Oh, is that why you gave her that answer?

MADISON
That and, uh, I didn’t want to make a promise I… might not want to keep.

DARCY
I see. And if I did ask you to marry me again, what would my answer be this time?

MADISON
You don’t need me to say it, do ya?

DARCY
You’ve told me so many unpleasant things, it would be nice to hear something more to my liking.

MADISON
Fair. Um… I guess, Mr. Darcy, if you did ask me again, I’d say… thanks for asking. Uh… I could do worse. Um…

DARCY
This is not the most romantic exchange that has ever been spoken.

MADISON
I suck at romance, okay?

DARCY
Then allow me. If I did ask again you’d say, “thank you so much.”

MADISON
Yes!

DARCY
You’d follow that by saying, “I’ll try very hard to make you happy.”

MADISON
Yeah, yeah, like that.

DARCY
Then you’d say… “I’ve loved you from the first moment, but I found it very difficult to say so.”

MADISON
Oh, yeah, bull’s eye.

DARCY
And you’d further say, “I’m yours now, completely and forever.”

MADISON
Oh… that’s good.

DARCY
My darling, I’ve waited so long to hear myself say the things you’d like to say to me.

MADISON
I’m so glad you finally said to yourself the things I wanted to say to you.

DARCY
We got all messed up in the porridge of prejudice and pride, but it’ll be beautiful, now, my darling. As it had to end this way. We were for each other from the beginning of time, and it will always be until the end of time.

MADISON
That’s a great ending line. Oh! But I just talked so I ruined it! Say it again, and I won’t say anything.

DARCY
Why don’t I just say — I love you, Elizabeth Bennet. And you can follow by saying…

MADISON
I know. As you wish. Ditto.

SCENE FIFTEEN

MRS. BENNET
Oh, Lydia’s married and Jane and Elizabeth soon will be! And then we have only two daughters left. They’ll be married, too, before we’re turned around. Oh, Mr. Bennet, we are going to be so lonely all alone. And I’ve lost my babies!

BENNET
Madam, you battle me completely.

MRS. BENNET
That’s because you’ve never been a mother, Mr. Bennet!

BENNET
Praise God, I never shall.

NARRATOR
Mr. Bennet is very tired and I don’t want to keep him awake, so we’ll just tell you that everyone lived happily ever after, as was the custom in those days, with no further prejudices, and just the right amount of pride. This is Scott R. McKinley saying goodnight and wishing you love, happiness and romance.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Theatre of Romance” ran on CBS from 1943-1956. It was designed as a “filler” series to be scheduled into popular show’s time slots when they were on hiatus. This lead the series to change drastically over its run. The only consistency was each episode fell under the umbrella of “romance.” Most often sponsored by Colgate Tooth Powder, and trying to be it’s own thirty minute version of immensely popular “Lux Radio Theater,” “The Theater of Romance” boasted adaptations of well known stories, films and stage plays, featuring a myriad of celebrities and performed in front of a live studio audience. Even with the inconsistent scheduling, the series gained its own following, and always rewarded its listeners with a happy ending. As was the custom in those days.