MADISON ON THE AIR: “ROGUE’S GALLERY: LITTLE DROPS OF RAIN”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: NOV 2023
The episode hasn’t premiered yet! Don’t read this! It’s waaaay funnier when I say the lines.
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
And now, another personally guided tour through… Rogue’s Gallery!
MADISON
Madison speaking. Well, tonight you’re going to meet some charming people, and you’re gonna run into a little bit of a very fancy murder. The name of the story is, “Little Drops of Rain.” I started the adventure still confined to my hospital bed. But my nurses… ahh, my nurses. Yes, they’re beautiful and tender and… — What the hell am I saying? Ack! That is so predatory and gross! Nurses are girls and girls are my favorite past time. — Yuck! What’s happening? Nurses are valuable medical professionals, not strippers here for our sexual gratification! Ew! Shake it off, shake it off. Okay… here we go. And that brings me up to the girl who has done the most to confuse my life, Liza. The girl I was so sincerely in love with a couple of months ago. I showed up at her apartment for a date — O.M.G.! Okay, so this show is “Rogue’s Gallery” and it follows the private detective, Richard Rogue. I… I think he’s still hanging on somehow. I can’t seem to fully shake his dialogue. Maybe it’s just the monologue. Let’s… cut to the first scene. Play the music.
ELIJAH
Madison, are you going to be playing my piano all night?
MADISON
I… don’t even know how to play piano.
ELIJAH
I thought we were going out.
MADISON
And you are…?
ELIJAH
Very funny. I don’t want to go to a nightclub tonight, I’m too tired. Let’s just go to a show, shall we?
MADISON
Anything you say, Liza-baby. That’s the kind of guy I am.
ELIJAH
Elijah.
MADISON
Right. Elijah. I said, “Liza,” who is Richard Rogue’s girlfriend. Two people I don’t know and have never met.
ELIJAH
I want to see “Arsenic and Old Lace.” It’s playing at the Rialto.
MADISON
Cary Grant’s in that, isn’t he?
ELIJAH
Mmm-hmm.
MADISON
Sure. Let’s shimmy then. — “Shimmy”? What does that even mean? It’s like I’m speaking in tongues.
ELIJAH
Cary Grant? Do you think he’s prettier than I am?
MADISON
Well, you’re not in pictures, Angel.
ELIJAH
Do you think he’s prettier than I am?
MADISON
You’re a different type.
ELIJAH
Are you going to answer me?
MADISON
Ho, ho, ho! You’re jealous! — Okay, that is the absolute wrong way to answer her. Him. If your date asks if someone is prettier than they are, you one hundred percent say, “absolutely not”! I’m guessin’ this Rogue guy doesn’t get laid very often.
ELIJAH
Then maybe you should just go home.
MADISON
Aw, come on, baby! How can you be jealous of a guy I don’t even know? Gimme a kiss.
ELIJAH
No.
MADISON
Oh, but, baby, I love you! I love you like anything! — Yuck. This guy is really bad at this.
ELIJAH Hmmm.
MADISON
All right, all right. Forget it, then. I don’t care.
ELIJAH
You’re insufferable, Madison Standish!
MADISON
Oh, now, quit pouting. Come on over here, on the bench by me. Dude. I can’t believe that worked. The reverse psychology thing! Liza — or Elijah — get some self-esteem. This guy’s a playa.
ELIJAH
Are we going to a show or not?
MADISON
Sure, get your lipstick on again — okay, that’s rude — and we’ll see what’s–
ELIJAH
Oh.
MADISON
I’ll get it.
ELIJAH
No, I’ll answer it. It’s probably Georgina.
MADISON
Georgina? You got other girlfriends?
ELIJAH
Jealous? Hello?
CALL SERVICE
Is Madison Standish there?
ELIJAH
It’s for you.
MADISON
Why am I getting a call at your place?
ELIJAH
Didn’t you give your call service this number?
MADISON
What the heck is a call service?
ELIJAH
Are you going to answer the telephone or not?
MADISON
Man, I’m startin’ to feel like I’m in over my head on this one. And not in a fun way. Hello?
CALL SERVICE OPERATOR
This is your call service, Miss Standish. We’ve got a call for you.
MADISON
Oh-kay.
CALL SERVICE OPERATOR
You want that I should patch it through?
ELIJAH
Who is it?
MADISON
Yeah, good question. Who is it?
CALL SERVICE
Mr. Hazel Burgess.
MADISON
“Mister” Hazel Burgess? Are we dealing with pronoun identity… in the 40s?
ELIJAH
It’s the husband of Hazel Burgess. Husbands always take their wives’ names.
MADISON
This is getting trippy.
CALL SERVICE
Miss Standish, you there? He says it’s very important.
MADISON
Uh… okay. Put him on?
CALL SERVICE
Right.
ELIJAH
Why is Mr. Hazel Burgess calling you?
MADISON
Does any of this exchange make you think I have a freakin’ clue what’s goin’ on?
BURGESS
Hello? Miss Standish?
MADISON
Uh, yeah! I’m… I’m here.
BURGESS
This is Mr. Hazel Burgess. I must see you at once.
MADISON
Like… now?
ELIJAH
What about our show?!
MADISON
You’re gettin’ a little demanding.
BURGESS
I must see you tonight, immediately. It is most important.
MADISON
Can’t you just tell me on the phone?
BURGESS
Oh, no, I can’t. Could you come to my house at once?
MADISON
Oh-kay… um… What’s the address?
ELIJAH
You’re going to his house?
MADISON
You’ve played out the jealousy thing. It’s not cute anymore, it’s annoying.
BURGESS
4-8-5 Hillcrest. You’ll be well paid for your time. Please hurry.
MADISON
I’ll be right there, Mister eh… Hazel.
ELIJAH
Just like that you’re leaving?
MADISON
Wait for me. I’ll be right back, honey.
ELIJAH
Go on. Go on out to see Mr. Burgess!
MADISON
Look, dude, this is a job. How do you think I can afford to take you to the movies if I don’t get paid?
ELIJAH
Don’t mind me, Dick Tracy.
MADISON
Passive-aggressive much? Okay, this is starting to hit a little close to home. If this is a page outta my playbook, I’m gonna have to come back with a gift or he won’t put out.
SCENE TWO
MADISON
Well, I left Elijah burning like… Mrs. O’Leary’s barn? — Oof. Historical reference. Maybe you Chicagoans will get that one —
But what could I do? Mr. Hazel Burgess was the husband of a tycoon with a dollar for every Democrat in Georgia. — Okay, I have no
idea what that means. But the way the Republicans are gerrymandering Georgia, a dollar for every Democrat would probably make Hazel broke. — The Burgess mansion was a huge colonial affair. A butler, who talked like she was choking to death on an olive pit, — gross — conducted me into the library, and into the presence of Mr. Hazel Burgess. And… Ohhh, my. What a presence. He was sitting in front of the open fire filling out a hostess gown that didn’t straighten out any of the curves that he featured. — Uh, a hostess gown is like, a loungey robe thingy that was worn for at-home entertaining. — I pulled my eyes back into my head and tried not to look too interested.
BURGESS
Sit down, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Oh, uh, thank you. But I’m in a bit of a hurry, Mr. Burgess. As a matter fact, I–
BURGESS
Miss Standish, my wife is making a fool of herself.
MADISON
Over thirty and going alone to Taylor Swift concerts? Have her take a neighbor’s twelve year-old. Then she’ll just look like a hip mom.
BURGESS
She’s lost her mind completely over the secretary in her office, a boy by the name of Allan Stark.
MADISON
Any relation to Tony Stark? Gotta be the first “Iron Man,” though. Yeah, I could see tappin’ that age Robert Downey, Jr.
BURGESS
I mean that she prefers his company to mine.
MADISON
Well, that doesn’t sound reasonable, if you’ll pardon me for saying so. — Ew, Rogue, keep it in your pants.
BURGESS
You have to help me, Miss Standish. You have to bring Hazel back to her senses.
MADISON
Oh, dude, once they cheat, cut ’em loose. You don’t want that back. Trust is lost. And body fluids have been exchanged. Yick.
BURGESS
Miss Standish, please, I’m so alone and…
MADISON
Hey, hey, now, wait a minute. Good grief, you mean to tell me that Hazel is neglecting you? What you need to straighten Hazel out is a psychiatrist. Not a detective. Hazel is definitely off her trolley. — “Off her trolley?” Rogue talks like a mom trying to sound cool around her teenager’s friends. “Word up, kids?”
BURGESS
Please help me, Miss Standish. She’s with him right this minute.
MADISON
Wait, right now? How do you know? I mean, without being able to track her phone. Which, I’ve only ever done in emergency situations. Trust. Ya know. Goes both ways.
BURGESS
When she left the house tonight I followed her. She went to the home of her best friend, Clara Roman. I parked across the street. I was going to face them, but I saw Miss Roman leave, and I lost my nerve. That’s when I called you. Oh, Miss Standish! I want you to go out there and talk to Hazel. Tell her I know all about her and that Stark boy, and I’m suing her for divorce.
MADISON
Aw… I don’t like to get in the middle of domestic disputes. Ever since I tried to step in when my sister-in-law was cheating. But it turns out, she really was going to a pottery class every Tuesday night. Which we realized when my brother got arrested confronting her at that Color Me Mine.
BURGESS Please! I don’t want to divorce Hazel, but I do want her back. And I’m sure that if you’ll do as I say, she’ll come back. You must do it for me, Miss Standish. Here’s an envelope with five hundred dollars.
MADISON
Five hundred dollars, huh? All my brother gave me were my nephews to babysit.
BURGESS
That’s your fee for going out there with with me, Miss Standish, and trying to bring Hazel back to her senses. You’ll do it for me, won’t you, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Sure, I guess. But just know, you might catch them in the act, and that’s a mental picture worth a thousand curse words.
SCENE THREE
BURGESS
Ring it again.
MADISON
Alright, let’s dial it down, there, bud. I was saving my last Vicodin, but you might need it.
BURGESS
I know my wife’s here. There’s her convertible out front, right where she left it tonight when I followed her out here.
MADISON
How did the boy arrive?
BURGESS
In his car. Oh, his car isn’t here. It was right behind Hazel’s.
MADISON
Then I guess we missed the party.
BURGESS
Try the door. I know Hazel is still here.
MADISON
All right. You’re an old friend of Roman’s, I suppose?
BURGESS
Yes, why?
MADISON
Just want to know before I try to open the door. You see, there’s laws against that sort of thing. — Oh, ha, ha, yeah. Like when a totally high Robert Downey, Jr., walked into his neighbor’s house and went to sleep in their spare bedroom? Ooo, that was “Chaplin” era Downey. Definitely tap-able. Doors unlocked. Do we go in?
BURGESS
Yes.
MADISON
Okay, after you.
BURGESS
The living room is over here.
MADISON
Clearly, nobody’s here. Look, Mr. Burgess, we really should get outta here. Neither of us are Oscar nominated bad boys with a father in the entertainment industry who can keep us out of jail.
BURGESS
No. I know Hazel’s in this house someplace, and I’m going to find her. I can’t– What are you sniffing for?
MADISON
Hang on. Do you smell that?
BURGESS
What? I don’t smell anything.
MADISON
You don’t smell chloroform? — Oh, that’s what chloroform smells like? Huh. It’s like something I might try at a bar and then wonder later how I got so drunk.
BURGESS
Chloroform?
MADISON
Yeah. According to Richard Rogue’s nose. — Why don’t you take a look upstairs. I’m gonna shakedown the first floor. — “Shakedown?” All right, First Floor. You gonna pay up? Or am I gonna have to tell the second floor just what you’ve been up to?
BURGESS
Miss… Standish?
MADISON
Oh, just go upstairs.
BURGESS
I’m… I’m frightened.
MADISON
Mr. Burgess was very fetching when he was frightened — Jeez.
This guy is so horny, even his monologues need a cold shower — Mr. Burgess finally went upstairs, and I went to work. I took the living room first and looked behind all the couches and in all the dark corners — what is this? Hide-and-go-seek? Come out, come out, wherever you are, Hazel, you cheating bitch! — I was bending over, looking under a huge Italian carved table when I thought I heard a stealthy footstep behind me–
ROMAN
Don’t move!
MADISON
Ugh. I forgot. This Richard Rogue guy gets knocked unconscious every episode. Ooo, that’s gonna leave a mark.
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
Ohhh, my ears were still full of that ringing scream Mr. Burgess let out when I caught that sock behind the ear and drifted gently through space toward cloud number eight and my alter ego. — Oh, right. When Rogue is knocked out, it gets all surreal and he talks to some, I dunno, weird little elf-type person or something?
NOSIDAM
Hello, Madison! Welcome home!
MADISON
You know me?
NOSIDAM
Why, sure! I’m Nosidam. Your alter ego!
MADISON
What the hell kinda name is “Nosidam”?
NOSIDAM
I said I’m your alter ego. “Nosidam” is “Madison” spelled backwards!
MADISON
Woof. Good thing my name isn’t Lana.
NOSIDAM
We really are opposites. I graduated high school without having to give my geometry teacher a lap dance!
MADISON
Ouch. Daymn. If my alter ego is a bitch, does that mean I’m the nice one?
NOSIDAM
Keep tellin’ yourself that. Maybe it’ll sink in past those black roots!
MADISON
Is there a point to this acid trip, or do I just need to ride it out?
NOSIDAM
Aw, Maddie! You go prowlin’ around in a strange house and get caught at it and knocked out? Shame, shame, shame!
MADISON
Doesn’t Rogue’s alter ego usually share a clue or some insight into the case?
NOSIDAM
Oh! You want insight? What do you want to know? How you’ve lived this long and not gotten chlamydia?
MADISON
Whoa!
NOSIDAM
Or who your real father is?
MADISON
My “real” father?
NOSIDAM
Like mother, like daughter!
MADISON
Okay, redirecting away from traumatizing me into crippling anxiety. Can you at least tell me why Mr. Burgess screamed?
NOSIDAM
No! Find out for yourself! You’re the detective.
MADISON
Thanks so much for your help. Assuming you’re part of my subconscious, be prepared for me to drink you into oblivion later.
NOSIDAM
Aw… don’t be that way, Maddie! I will tell you one thing I think you may have forgotten.
MADISON
Yeah, what?
NOSIDAM
You gotta date with Elijah, you know! He’s still waiting! All righty! Time for you to wake up, Maddie!
MADISON
Wake up? How– Oh… that’s how.
ROMAN
Come on, Standish, please, come on!
BURGESS
You didn’t have to hit her so hard, Clara!
MADISON
Ohhh… who hit me?
ROMAN
I’m Clara Roman, Standish.
MADISON
That kinda stunt can cause brain damage, ya know! How Richard Rogue manages to avoid severe brain trauma week-to-week is a testament to his physical stamina… or bad writing.
ROMAN
I’m sorry, Standish. I came home and found my front door unlocked. I walked in and I saw a strange woman prowling around my parlor.
A man screamed, and I hit you with my cane.
MADISON
You play softball? Because you swung for the bleachers.
BURGESS
Are you feeling better, Miss Standish?
MADISON
And you! Why did you scream?
BURGESS
I found my wife upstairs. She’s dead. Murdered!
MADISON
Well, still better than finding her humping her secretary.
SCENE FIVE
ANNOUNCER
We’ll return to our story in just a moment. But now, I’d like to say something to the gentlemen.
MADISON
Are you going to speak in a condescending tone that will fill the men listening with self-doubt and give them a feeling of dread about their personal appearance as if it’s the most vital part of their existence?
ANNOUNCER
Of course! Boys, do you ever feel like hanging your head in shame because your hair isn’t, well, looking as nice as it should? Perhaps you get discouraged because every time you shampoo your hair, it seems dry and difficult to set. Then for your next shampoo, why not try Fitch’s Saponified Coconut Oil Shampoo. The pure natural oils keep your hair from becoming dry and brittle. Your hair will be soft and lustrous, easy to set into your favorite hairstyle. You’ll love the glorious quantities of fragrant lather that this shampoo makes. Ask for Fitch’s Saponified Coconut Oil Shampoo at your drug counter, barber or beauty shop!
MADISON
C’mon, boys. You need to look your best. You don’t want your wife to cheat on you.
ANNOUNCER
And now, a completely unrelated promo break.
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SIX
ANNOUNCER
Now, back to Rogue’s Gallery. Madison Standish is telling our story.
MADISON
Well, I had accepted a case for
Mr. Hazel Burgess, a suspicious husband. Yes, that’s the Mr. Hazel Burgess of the Burgess millions. — You guys caught that “Mr. Hazel Burgess” thing, right? That he never has a first name? Only his spouse’s name? Today we’re all worried about pronouns, but back then, women’s identity was literally absorbed by their marriage. Anyway, skipping ahead, no need to repeat what happened in the first act. No one’s “tuning in late.” Let’s see, we left off with Mr. Burgess screaming…
BURGESS
My wife is upstairs! She’s dead! Murdered!
MADISON
Yup, that was it. And I was hit on the head so… thanks for playing the scream again. — I got to my feet and ran up the stairs. Mr. Burgess and Roman were right behind me. Mr. Burgess directed me into the library and there she was, as dead as last summer’s romance — Eh. There’s a body. That’s poor taste. — She had a neat little round hole right beneath the part in her hair. Hazel Burgess was a nice looking old gal, about fifty, which made her a good twenty-five years older than her husband. — By the way, I’m retiring the word “Cougar.” We’ll just go with what older men
with younger women are called. “Lucky.” — Her widower was really taking her death big, which was natural. A man doesn’t have a
wife murdered every day.
ROMAN
Poor Hazel. This is horrible.
MADISON
Has anything in this room been moved or touched? Forensics is basically in the stone age now, along with the cavemen attitudes towards women.
ROMAN
Well, I just arrived home and–
BURGESS
When I looked inside and saw Hazel, I knew she was dead. I screamed.
MADISON
Yes! Heard the scream. Coupla times now. No need for a three- peat. Then you ran downstairs?
BURGESS
Yes. I saw Miss Roman hit you and I ran down to tell her who you were.
MADISON
A little late, but it’s the thought that counts. Okay, you guys just… don’t touch anything. And don’t move. Stay right there in the doorway.
ROMAN
Just who are you to be giving us orders?
MADISON
The lead in the show. Either of you ever see this gun before?
ROMAN
Yes.
MADISON
Really? Okay, where?
ROMAN
It was Hazel’s. She kept it in her desk at the office.
MADISON
See, this is what happens with a gun culture. How’d you recognize it so quick?
ROMAN
It has her initials on it. I can see them from here. Inset in the butt of the gun.
MADISON
Monogrammed gun. Lifestyles of the Rich and Armed.
ROMAN
So, what are you thinking?
MADISON
Well, definitely not suicide, seeing as how the gun was clear across the room. Survey says… murder. I have the same reaction to Steve Harvey. Oh, dude, look at this. It’s one of those, uh… whatchamacallits.
ROMAN
A handkerchief?
MADISON
Boom, yeah. I’ve never understood why anyone uses those. Blow snot into a cloth napkin then stick it in your pocket? Gross.
ROMAN
It looks like a very nice linen handkerchief… With blood on it. And initials in the corner, “A.S.”
MADISON
“As”?
BURGESS
Allan Stark! That’s his handkerchief. He killed Hazel! He killed my Hazel!
MADISON
Okay, still got some throbbin’ in the head here. Roman, you gotta phone around here?
ROMAN
Yes. You’ll find an extension in the hall.
MADISON
Cool, okay. I’m gonna call the cops. You guys go downstairs… far enough away for me to be out of crying-range.
ROMAN
Come along, Mr. Burgess.
MADISON
Well, no one can say he’s not in touch with his emotions.
URBAN
Homicide. Lieutenant Urban speaking.
MADISON
Hey, Urban, it’s Madison Standish. ‘Sup.
URBAN
Who’s dead?
MADISON
Hazel Burgess wise… gal.
URBAN
You mean it? You’re mixed up in another murder, Standish?
MADISON
I know, right? I should get, like, a police station punch card. One more murder and I get a free box of doughnuts.
URBAN
Where are you?
MADISON
At Clara Roman’s house? Um… 21-20 Cypress Avenue. — Better get the girls and get out here.
URBAN
We’ll be right there. Stay there until I get there, got it, Standish?
MADISON
The cops in these shows are always so surly. The noir detectives do all the leg work. Show some appreciation.
ELIJAH
Hello?
MADISON
Oh, hello, Elijah darling, this is Maddie.
ELIJAH
Do you know what time it is?!
MADISON
Oh, sure, honey–
ELIJAH
I’ll give you ten minutes to get back here and take me to that show!
MADISON
But I– Hell hath no fury like a man scorned. Oh, good, still crying. Uh, Roman, the cops will be here any minute. Tell Lieutenant Urban that I’ll be right back, okay? Tell her I went out to get a murderer.
ROMAN
Of course. And I hope you manage to catch him, Standish.
MADISON
And maybe order up a double for this one. Alcohol numbs what ails ya.
SCENE SEVEN
STARK
Yes?
MADISON
Hey. Uh, is Allan Stark here?
STARK
I beg your pardon? I’m a bit deaf. I couldn’t hear you.
MADISON
Oh. I said, “Is Allan Stark here?”
STARK
Allan? I’m his mother.
MADISON
Not what I asked. Is Allan here?
STARK
No, he isn’t home this evening.
MADISON
He isn’t home?
STARK
He isn’t home!
MADISON
Do you know where he is?
STARK
Where he is?
MADISON
Where he is!
STARK
No!
MADISON
No?
STARK
No!
MADISON
Okay, I feel like I’m trying to have a conversation in the middle of a rock concert.
STARK
What?
MADISON
Dude, this is driving me crazy. If this Allen guy is really a murderer, he should’ve started with his mom.
STARK
What?
MADISON Murderer!
STARK
Murderer?
MADISON
Your son. Murderer.
STARK
What!
MADISON
I’m gonna go. Thank-you for your time!
STARK
Wait! My son is what?
MADISON
Oh, it was gonna be tough for that old lady to realize that her son was a killer.
STARK
What did you say about my son?
MADISON
I hated the world as I walked down the steps from that porch and started for my car. I don’t like murder. It upsets so many people who are not involved in the act, or the reasons for it. — Ya know, that’s really insightful. Pretty sensitive for noir.
STARK
Please, tell me about my son!
MADISON
Shut up! I’m doing a monologue over here! — I was heading down the walk, which was still wet from the rain, when– Dammit! — Then I noticed something peculiar. There were tire tracks, running into the Stark garage. It had only stopped raining about 45 minutes before, and if that car had been driven into the garage while it was still raining, there would be no tracks. They would’ve been washed away. — That’s actually pretty observant. I totally would’ve missed that. — I ran up the driveway and opened the overhead garage door and jumped back. The garage was full of carbon monoxide. I wet my handkerchief in a puddle of rainwater. — Wait, I don’t have a handkerchief. Uh… What can I use? What can I use? I’ll just pull the neck of my shirt up over my nose like one of those anti-maskers during COVID. — I ran into the garage. I wrestled the door of the small coop open and saw a young boy unconscious slumped over the steering wheel. I pulled him out of there. He was dead weight — No kidding! — And carried him… into the house?! Screw you, Rogue!
STARK
Oh, Allan, Allan!
MADISON
Your efforts are wasted, there, lady. Dude’s dead.
STARK
Dead?
MADISON
Dead!
STARK
I’m going to call the Pulmotor Squad!
MADISON
Pulmotor Squad? What is that, the Suicide Squad B-Team? Instead of super-villains, it’s all just guys arrested for like, shoplifting?
STARK
What?
MADISON
Although, considering these circumstances, the name “Suicide Squad” might be more accurate.
STARK
Hello, fire department? Get a Pulmotor Squad, to 6-4-0 Inglewood Drive…. Thank you.
MADISON
Okay, I give up. What is a “Pulmotor Squad”?
STARK
A Pulmotor Squad? Uh… a Pulmotor pumps oxygen into a person’s… er… lungs.
MADISON
Oh! Well, that sounds like it could be useful in this situation. Ya know, if he’s not already brain dead.
STARK
What?!
MADISON
I got it! Yello?
URBAN
That you, Standish?
MADISON
Hey, Lieutenant Urban! How’d you find me?
URBAN
Roman said you went to the Stark place. Why didn’t you stay put like I told you?
MADISON
I came here to get the murderer. Which, I kinda did.
URBAN
“Kinda” did? What are you talking about? Did you nail Allan Stark or not?
MADISON
Nail a corpse? Even I have standards.
URBAN
Corpse? What’re you talking about?
MADISON
Allan Stark committed suicide. But not in a cool, Tony Stark, sacrifice- to-save-the-universe, kinda way.
URBAN
Okay. I’ll be there in ten minutes. Don’t go away.
MADISON
“Tony? Look at me. We’re going to be okay. You can rest now.” Can you believe that Gwyneth Paltrow is an Oscar winning actress and Robert Downey, Jr. has been nominated twice but never won? Of course, they’re both Nepo babies so, can they ever really lose?
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
I gave Allan Stark my own interpretation of artificial respiration — Wow. Rogue actually took a phone call before he thought, “Hey, maybe some CPR might be helpful.” Well, here goes nothing. One- two-three-four-how-many-of-these-do-I-have-to-do–
STARK
Miss Standish! What are you doing?!
MADISON
Oh, wait, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation didn’t come around till the ’50s. I bet that looked like I was making out with her son’s body.
MADISON
Saved by the Suicide Squad! — Urban arrived on the heels of the fire department and she and I went out and looked around in the garage where we made some fascinating discoveries. The car had
run out of gas and stopped turning over — Huh. I wonder if it’s easier to commit suicide today with modern fuel efficient cars? — I made a little deal with Urban and went back to the Roman residence while she and her girls were being scientific. I sat in the parlor and talked to Mr. Burgess and Clara Roman. Mr. Burgess had recovered his poise, to some extent, and they were both very anxious to know all about my daring capture of the Stark boy.
BURGESS
I’m glad he’s dead. I couldn’t stand a trial. I’m glad he committed suicide.
MADISON
Yeah, I mean, suicide must’ve seemed like the only way out after leaving so much evidence behind that he’d killed Hazel. Like, even cops in those small towns who’re always like, “We never get murders here, we have no experience with this” would totes have been able to solve this case by lunch.
BURGESS
Oh, my poor, darling Hazel.
MADISON
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Say, Roman, how well did you know this Stark boy?
ROMAN
Rather well. I’d see him around the office a great deal. Hazel was, well, not very discreet about the fact that she was fond of him.
BURGESS
Please, Clara! Hazel’s dead. We should forget those things. She was a good wife. I… I don’t know what life is going to be like without her.
MADISON
Hmmm. I’m gonna guess that life without Hazel for you, Mr. Burgess, is gonna be pretty short.
BURGESS
What do you mean?
MADISON
I’m alluding to the fact that you and Clara, here, are gonna get the death penalty. For murder.
ROMAN
That’s a serious accusation, Standish!
MADISON
I know, right? And, unfortunately for you two, in the 1940s, Capital Punishment is legal in California. Gas Chamber. You shoulda waited till the early 70s. After that, it keeps going back and forth with moratoriums ‘n’ stuff all the way up to modern day.
BURGESS
What are you saying?
MADISON
I’m saying that you guys picked the absolute wrong time in history to commit murder in California.
BURGESS
Murder?
MADISON
Your wife wanted the divorce, didn’t she, Mr. Burgess? She knew you were going to be here tonight with Miss Roman, her best friend — Oh, dude! Cheating with the best friend? — So Hazel came to surprise you with Allan Stark for a witness, didn’t she? And you, Miss Roman, you killed her and then you had to kill Allan Stark to shut him up. — Whoa, okay, I can honestly say of all the times I cheated with my boyfriend’s best friend, not once did it end in murder. Vandalism, sure, and one, two, three fires. But no murder.
ROMAN
This is preposterous!
URBAN
You were right, Standish. We found Roman’s fingerprints on the steering wheel of Allan Stark’s car. One of the girls just got back with a report that Roman’s shoe is a perfect fit in that shoe print outside Stark’s garage.
BURGESS
I had nothing to do with this! Clara killed Hazel, then chloroformed that Stark boy and–
ROMAN
You’re in this as far as I am, so shut up!
MADISON
Oh! And totes forgot to mention, Allan Stark isn’t dead.
BURGESS
What?!
URBAN
The car ran out of gas just in time. He’ll be there to appear against you when you’re tried for murder.
MADISON
Murder/suicides are usually shoot the person, shoot yourself. I don’t know what you guys were thinking with the whole car thing, but it totally backfired. Ha! ‘Cuz cars “backfire.” Let’s just pretend that was a bad joke from the original script.
SCENE NINE
ELIJAH
Hello.
MADISON
Hello, Elijah, honey.
ELIJAH
I don’t want to talk to you, Madison Standish.
MADISON
I brought a gift!
ELIJAH
Oh, really? What is it?
MADISON
Tacos. Always wins me over.
ELIJAH
Well… I’m busy!
MADISON
Busy? Who’s too busy for tacos?
GEORGINA
The gentleman says he’s busy.
MADISON
Who are you?
GEORGINA
The name’s Georgina. Good night, chump.
MADISON
Well, looks like Rogue lost himself another date. He is definitely one of the noir detectives who does not get the girl. Meh. I still have tacos. Ah, little drops of rain. The stuff we’re getting so much of out of here in California right now. — Hey, fill those reservoirs while you can. L.A. has had more years with drought than we’ve had years with an NFL team. — That rain saved Allan Stark’s life because if I hadn’t noticed those tire tracks, he would’ve stayed in the garage until it was too late for the Pulmotor Squad to save him. Yes, sir, little drops of rain put
the curse on what was almost a perfect double murder. — Phew! Dudes, I don’t know how you do it. An entire episode being a gritty chauvinist detective has been exhausting! And is this what blue balls feels like? Well, girls can take care of that, easy. I’m gonna go for a bicycle ride. Bye!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
A “Rogue’s Gallery” is the collection of mug shots police use to identify criminals, making the show’s title a play on words with the character being named “Richard Rogue.” The series was a summer replacement on NBC for the years 1945-1947. Richard Rogue was originally played by Dick Powell who was transitioning from being a comedy song-and-dance man in films to a more dramatic detective type. He would later go on to star as “Richard Diamond, Private Detective” — the show we did last January, episode 27 — which utilized his singing talents. Powell left “Rogue’s Gallery” after the second season, and the detective was played by three other actors, ending its final full season on ABC in 1951.