MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES: THE ADVENTURE OF THE HAUNTED BAGPIPES”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAR 2024
MADISON ON THE AIR: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES –
“THE ADVENTURE OF THE HAUNTED BAGPIPES”
SCENE ONE
BARTELL
The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes! Here we are once again outside the door of Dr. Watson.
WATSON
Ah! Good evening, Mr. Bartell!
BARTELL
Good evening, Dr. Watson.
WATSON
Frightful weather we’re having out there, eh?
BARTELL
Yes, but it’s worth traversing to hear another one of your exciting Sherlock Holmes adventures.
WATSON
Actually, my boy, I’ve been called out of town rather suddenly on an urgent matter.
BARTELL
Oh? I hope everything is all right.
WATSON
Yes, yes. Nothing tragic to speak of. But, unfortunately, you’ve come upon me just as I was departing, I’m afraid.
BARTELL
Well, I’m sorry to hear that.
WATSON
But fear not, my good man. I shan’t let your audience down.
BARTELL
You have time for a quick story for us?
WATSON
No, no. But I have procured a surrogate for myself.
BARTELL
A surrogate?
MADISON
S’up!
BARTELL
Madison!
WATSON
I’d recalled how well the two of you got on together. Darling girl, eh?
BARTELL
Darling.
WATSON
Yes, well, she stepped up to care for my dogs on frightfully short notice, you know.
BARTELL
The… dogs?
WATSON
Oh, yes. Can’t travel with them where I’m going.
BARTELL
Uh… Well, since this is clearly an inconvenient time for you, Doctor, we can postpone until next week.
WATSON
No, no! I shan’t hear of it! Madison has her own Sherlock Holmes adventure to tell, don’t you, dear lady?
MADISON
You are gonna love it. C’mon in!
BARTELL
Um…
WATSON
I leave you in capable hands. Good night, Mr. Bartell! Miss Standish!
MADISON
Later!
BARTELL
Where are the… um… dogs?
MADISON
Sleeping on the bed in the master bedroom. You wanna go say hello?
BARTELL
Oh, no! Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.
MADISON
That’s just an old wives’ tale like stepping on a crack, opening an umbrella in the house, crossing the middle lane and driving into oncoming traffic.
BARTELL
Just the same, why don’t we get to the Sherlock Holmes adventure you’re going to tell us?
MADISON
First I have to set the scene. Here!
BARTELL
A… golf club?
MADISON
Yup! Guess where Sherlock and I went?
BARTELL
To a… golf course?
MADISON
Oh, that’d be tons of fun. A haunted golf course. Every time you hit the ball, you end up in a sand trap. “Damn the cursed links! Now I’ll never make par!”
BARTELL
Haunted?
MADISON
Yeah! The story is called, “The Adventure of the Haunted Bagpipes.” Scotland! Hello? They invented golf.
BARTELL
Oh, yes, of course.
MADISON
Okay, here’s the ball. Go ahead. Take a swing.
BARTELL
In Dr. Watson’s living room?
MADISON
Would you rather go outside and play in the rain?
BARTELL
This is a driver. Usually people practice putting indoors.
MADISON
I don’t need practice putting. Seems like every first date I had in middle school was to play mini golf. Dating was so much better once I got my fake I.D. and started dating college guys.
BARTELL
Perhaps you can just tell me the story and we can forgo the golf?
MADISON
Fine. Give me the club. Okay, the setting was Edinburgh and it involved Professor Moriarty!
BARTELL
Professor Moriarty! You went up against Professor Moriarty?
MADISON
If you’re not gonna hit the ball, could you at least hold the tee?
BARTELL
Hold the tee?
MADISON
It’s not like I can push the tee into the floor boards. Just kneel down and hold it.
BARTELL
Instead, why don’t you just tell the story?
MADISON
When are you gonna figure out that the sooner you do what I want, the faster I get through the story?
BARTELL
Very well.
MADISON
Perfect, hold it just like that. Okay, so, as Sherlock and I took the train from London to Edinburgh, the weather took a drastic turn, setting the stage for what was to come. Stop moving!
BARTELL
You’re coming very close to my face with that club.
MADISON
Then stop moving!
BARTELL
It seems that as you’re telling your story, you’re not quite… focused on the ball?
MADISON
I drive and watch TikTok videos. It’s called multi-tasking and my generation is expert level. Now hold still! It was a late winter afternoon and the cold rain was beating down on us as we stepped from the railway station onto the streets of Edinburgh. Four! Dammit! Hooked it into the master bedroom.
BARTELL
The dogs!
MADISON
You probably shouldn’t be on the floor like that. When you’re down at their level, they see it as a threat.
BARTELL
Nice doggies…
MADISON
Anyway, that’s when I caught my first glimpse of Edinburgh Castle–
SCENE TWO
SHERLOCK
There it is, Madison, in all it’s austere majesty, Edinburgh Castle.
MADISON
I’m always surprised at how absolutely underwhelming real castles are. Disneyland does it way better.
SHERLOCK
The castle is as grim as its history. It’s part castle, part fortress and part prison.
MADISON
So is Sleeping Beauty’s castle — if they find you trying to climb out of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to get a selfie with robot Johnny Depp.
SHERLOCK
But Edinburgh Castle is centuries old. Wars have been plotted there. Dancing has lasted deep into the night!
MADISON
Are you seriously giving me a history lesson while we’re standing in the pouring rain?!
SHERLOCK
Rain, Madison? You’re getting soft! This isn’t rain. It’s just a good Scotch mist.
MADISON
If I was drunk on Scotch, it may feel like mist. Speaking of which, where’s our hotel? Aren’t they usually over a pub?
SHERLOCK
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but this is not a pleasure trip. We must forgo the luxuries of Princes Street and take up our lodging quarters in Old Town.
MADISON
Old town, new town, as long as I can get me a wee nip.
SHERLOCK
That’s the spirit! Here, get into this cab before you catch pneumonia.
CABBIE
Where ya off ta?
SHERLOCK
Cabbie, let us out in front of Saint Giles.
CABBIE
Aye.
MADISON
Uh… we seem to be driving away from civilization.
SHERLOCK
We’re going to stay in one of those grey stone houses all huddled together on the slope leading up to the castle.
MADISON
Great. It looks like medieval Detroit.
SHERLOCK
Those tenements were once great homes that housed the flower of Scottish nobility.
MADISON
Yeah, and Detroit used to produce great music.
SHERLOCK
What more suitable dwelling place could you imagine for our friend, Professor Moriarty?
MADISON
Moriarty? Seriously?
SHERLOCK
Quite.
MADISON
Dude! Fourth time out together and we score Moriarty! Awesomeness!
SHERLOCK
I’m not sure that’s something to celebrate.
MADISON
Oh, I know. He always beats you at, like, everything.
SHERLOCK
That’s… not entirely true. I’d say we’ve mostly ended in stalemates.
MADISON
Is he behind bars? Then he won.
SHERLOCK
I confess, I was in complete ignorance until the day before yesterday when I received a telegram informing me that one of Moriarty’s chief assistants had been seen prowling through the graves of Greyfriars.
MADISON
Grave robbing? Digging up a grave is not as easy as it sounds. We’re talkin’ six feet of dirt. But Aunt Carol promised me that turquoise ring, so I was not gonna let it be buried on her dead finger.
SHERLOCK
I can’t speak to that, but I do know Professor Moriarty has a particular reason for hating Edinburgh, and he’s not a man to forget his grudges. The question is, shall we be in time to prevent his revenge?
MADISON
I wish someone had been in time to prevent me from digging up the wrong grave. I still got a nice watch from Uncle Harry, though.
SCENE THREE
CABBIE
Whoa! Here ya be, Saint Giles.
MADISON
We’re staying here? Well, I’ve stayed in worse hotels. Or I should say, I’ve woken up in worse hotels.
SHERLOCK
This isn’t a hotel, Madison, it’s Saint Giles’ Cathedral.
MADISON
I’ve woken up in worse cathedrals.
SHERLOCK
We must go from here by foot, I’m afraid.
MADISON
By foot? Like… walking?
SHERLOCK
Some exercise will do you good after that long train ride.
MADISON
But it’s still raining! And the gutters are full of muddy water! And I’m gonna whine like this the whole way!
CABBIE
Yer voice be akin to a novice piper.
MADISON
That’s crazy. He almost sounds like he’s speaking English.
SHERLOCK
I say, Cabbie, where is Hangman’s Lane from here?
CABBIE
Nash, ya no be goin’ there?
MADISON
There it is again. Did you hear it?
SHERLOCK
Why not go to Hangman’s Lane? It’s where we hope to spend the night.
CABBIE
Tis an unchancy spot. Ya never find me goin’ up Hangman’s Lane after dark.
MADISON
I think he’s trying to warn us about something.
CABBIE
Aye! And I’ll not stand here arguin’ wi’ ya. It’s the first land back a the Kirk, if you must go.
SHERLOCK
Thanks. Here you are. Drink to our health.
CABBIE
Where ye stand, hale and hearty — with a black shadow of death a lookin’ over ya shoulder.
MADISON
Okay, that time I heard “black shadow of death.” What– what is he saying?
CABBIE
Dunna say I dinna warn ya. Come along, Beatrice.
MADISON
Wait! Don’t leave! Whoa, Beatrice! C’mon, Sherlock, let’s go back. If the black shadow of death is gonna hang over me, let it do it in a five star hotel with a mini bar.
SHERLOCK
We already have lodgings arranged here on Hangman’s Lane.
MADISON
“Hangman’s Lane”? What, were all the rooms booked on “Murder Row”?
SHERLOCK
Come along, Madison, they’re expecting us.
MADISON
Who’s expecting us? The executioner?
SHERLOCK
The owner of most of the tenements on Hangman’s Lane has arranged that we should be taken care of. He’s most anxious to have us inspect his property.
MADISON
Inspecting property? I thought you said this had to do with Professor Moriarty. Is he like Al Capone where he’s done all these horrible crimes but we’ll catch him on zoning violations?
SHERLOCK
Whenever anything curious and inexplicable happens in the professor’s neighborhood, the chances are he’s mixed up in it. Ah, here’s Hangman’s Lane. Pathway’s a bit narrow and steep. Watch your step.
MADISON
This is creepy. How come there’s no lights in any of these buildings? Don’t tenements usually have, like, ten people living in a one bedroom? Or am I thinking off campus college housing?
SHERLOCK
These tenements are deserted, Madison. That’s the most interesting part of it.
MADISON
If that’s the most interesting part, this adventure is going to rank up there with, “Sherlock Holmes and the Tax Audit.”
SHERLOCK
I’m getting to the interesting part. One particular house hasn’t been open for several hundred years, but during the last month,
the rest of the tenements have been vacated, too. Their inhabitants have fled from them like rats from a sinking ship. The rents have been lowered to the vanishing point, but still, there are no takers. The people hereabouts seem to think the whole street… is haunted.
MADISON
Ooo! Are we doing the whole “if you can stay the entire night in a haunted castle, you get to keep it”?
SHERLOCK
We are not being gifted the property, no. But the phenomenon we’re going to investigate occurs only at night.
MADISON
Old timey ghost hunters! Can I be the scientific skeptical one who doubts everything? “That was just the wind.”
SHERLOCK
I think you should leave the logical deduction to me.
MADISON
The dude who wrote you believed in fairies.
SHERLOCK
Ah, here’s the house where we’re staying. There should be a bell somewhere… Ah, yes.
MADISON
So who lives in a haunted house? Is it a crazy old witch who lures unsuspecting travelers to their deaths and then cooks them in her stew?
MRS. GRAHAM
Who be ya?
SHERLOCK
I am Mr. Holmes–
MADISON
And I am leaving.
SHERLOCK
What happened to your being the logic minded one?
MRS. GRAHAM
Mr. Holmes, is it? Oh, Lordy, thank ye! I be Mrs. Graham. Please to enter!
SHERLOCK
Go ahead, Madison. Scientists first.
MRS. GRAHAM
If you’ll kindly step this way.
MADISON
Don’t gimme a hard time, Sherlock. All you had for horror in your time was “Dracula” and “Frankenstein”. I got nine “Nightmare on Elm Streets,” twelve “Friday the Thirteenths”, and thirteen “Halloweens.” And twelve “Fast and the Furious.” Which really just proves Hollywood has no original ideas.
MRS. GRAHAM
Come this way. There’s a proud blaze a burnin’ and candles are lit in the back parlor.
SHERLOCK
Madison, follow Mrs. Graham.
MADISON
Who’s Mrs. Graham?
SHERLOCK
The woman who just introduced herself as “Mrs. Graham” and let us in the door!
MADISON
You mean you understand her? I’ve never been good at picking up other languages. Ten years with a Spanish speaking nanny and all I remember is her tamales. They were good.
MRS. GRAHAM
Please ta folla?
SHERLOCK
Madison, get going!
MADISON
It’s so dark, I can’t see anything in here.
SHERLOCK
My word, Madison! You knocked the poor woman off her feet! Let me assist you, Mrs. Graham.
MRS. GRAHAM
This corridor is not as smooth as once it was.
MADISON
You might want to put in some safety rails and that yellow and black tape on the ground. It totally ruins the esthetic of historic places, but you won’t get sued by tourists.
MRS. GRAHAM
This is the place. Please enter.
MADISON
Oh, this is suh-weet! That fireplace is big enough to roast a pig! Or… small child. Sherlock!
SHERLOCK
She is not a witch. This is a very fine room, Mrs. Graham.
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye. For once the blood bit this old house. Full of lords and their ladies they say! But here, will ye be standin’ in front of the fire and dryin’ out yer brogues?
SHERLOCK
Not a bad idea. We are pretty wet, eh, Madison?
MADISON Not a word.
MRS. GRAHAM
There is brandy on the shel i’ ye be wantin’ a wee drop–
MADISON
Brandy?!
SHERLOCK
That you understood.
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye. And a taste of cock-a-leekie pie in the pot. And now if you’ll forgive me, I’m gonna shunt mi’ self away.
SHERLOCK
Leaving so soon? But we’ve just arrived. Madison! Put that down!
MADISON
She said I could have a wee drop. I want a wee drop!
MRS. GRAHAM
Oh, Mr. Holmes I dare not stay after sundown. I’m loathe ta let ya alone, but I dare not stay. I’ll return in the morn, early.
SHERLOCK
But what is there to be afraid of?
MRS. GRAHAM
The neighbors.
SHERLOCK
Neighbors?
MADISON
Aw, man. Bad neighbors can totally ruin where you live. Or at least that’s what I was told when the landlord served me that eviction notice.
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye. The neighbors in the old Hurley House tother side of this wall.
SHERLOCK
But no one has lived in that house next door for years.
MRS. GRAHAM
Not humans, no. No livin’ man has crossed the doorstead this hundred year.
MADISON
Did she say no “living” man? I’m seriously asking. I cannot understand her.
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye. But there be others. Bogles. You can hear the rattling of their goin’ and comin’ every night through the wall.
MADISON
Bogles?
SHERLOCK
Ghosts. Have you ever heard them, Mrs. Graham?
MRS. GRAHAM
No, I certainly have not. I will not stay after sundown. But the Bogles… that’s not the worst of it.
SHERLOCK
Really?
MADISON
Really, what?
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye. At times ye can hear the sound a doodlin’.
MADISON
Doodling? You have ghosts next door who draw pictures? When they get really scary, do they do origami?
SHERLOCK
By “doodling” she means the sound of bagpipes.
MADISON
Bagpipes? And I got evicted for letting my boyfriend’s band rehearse in my living room?
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye! That’s when they be entertainin’ ol’ horny hisself.
MADISON
Horny? Bagpipe sex parties? There’s so much I don’t know about Scotland.
SHERLOCK
The Devil.
MRS. GRAHAM
Aye!
MADISON
Dude! What was that?
SHERLOCK
Madison, I thought you were going to be the one who says, “It’s just the wind.”
MADISON
Shut up, Sherlock. What was that?!
SHERLOCK
“Just the wind”… in the chimney.
MRS. GRAHAM
I woulda swore t’were the Devil’s voice!
MADISON
Horny for bagpipes!
MRS. GRAHAM
I no be waitin’ to find out when the scullin’ begins! The hou’e itsel’ sounds like it be singin’ a dirge. Good night, and god help ya!
SHERLOCK
Well, she certainly was frightened, eh?
MADISON
Okay, everybody knows the stupid people in horror movies are the ones who don’t leave when the scary stuff starts goin’ down.
SHERLOCK
But those two legends — the house next door and the haunted bagpipes — are famous Edinburgh superstitions. I’d like to learn more about them.
MADISON
I’m sure there’s a book in the gift shop. Let’s go. Oh… I do not want to be dismembered. I like my members.
SHERLOCK
That building next door is one of the so-called “fatal houses.”
MADISON
Fatal houses? You are not selling me on this.
SHERLOCK
That’s what they called the houses marked generations ago by the Great Plague.
MADISON
During my plague, we called them Mega Churches.
SHERLOCK
You see, discipline in the time of pestilence was sharp and sudden. The houses having the disease were marked by a large cross.
MADISON
Ours had large crosses, and Ford F150s in the parking lot.
SHERLOCK
No one dared enter or leave, and the houses were sealed up. In those houses, of which one or two still remain, the plague is supposed to lie in ambush, ready to escape and spread sickness and death through the city once the doors are reopened.
MADISON
O.M.G. Viruses can’t stay on surfaces like that. Next you’ll tell me everyone was Lysoling their groceries.
SHERLOCK
The other legend is not quite so gruesome.
MADISON
So we’re staying?
SHERLOCK
Yes, we are staying.
MADISON
Well, I’m starving. I’m gonna try this whatever-the-heck she said she made.
SHERLOCK
The legend is about a secret passage that is supposed to have existed in the time of Mary Queen of Scots.
MADISON
What is this?
SHERLOCK
Cock-a-leekie pie. The secret passage was between Edinburgh Castle and Holyrood Palace, which lies at the other end of town.
MADISON
What the hell is “cock-a-leekie pie”? It’s not like haggis, is it?
SHERLOCK
No, Madison, it’s chicken and leek soup.
MADISON
Because I’m only adventurous with my diet when I’ve had more than just a “wee drop.”
SHERLOCK
As I was saying, about a century and a half ago, a piper made a bet that he could walk the length of the secret passage.
MADISON
Like you shoulda seen the stuff I was trying at that sushi restaurant when I got enough saki in me.
SHERLOCK
He started at the castle piping merrily.
MADISON
Have you ever had Shirako?
SHERLOCK
The crowds were able to follow him through the streets above by the sound of the skirling.
MADISON
It’s fish sperm.
SHERLOCK
Everything was going smoothly.
MADISON
My friends ordered it and didn’t tell me what it was.
SHERLOCK
Madison! Is it at all possible for you not to interrupt me as I tell my story?
MADISON
I’m just sayin’, no one likes to swallow sperm without knowin’ about it ahead of time!
SHERLOCK
I think I need a wee drop.
MADISON
I finished the bottle.
SHERLOCK
So! The piper was playing his bagpipes as he made his way through the secret passage with the villagers following above. They followed the sound down from the castle along the top of the hill. Then, suddenly, the piping stopped in the middle of a note. And that was the last that was ever heard of the piper.
MADISON
Okay.
SHERLOCK
The piper had vanished without a trace.
MADISON
Did the villagers rejoice? I mean, bagpipes have got to start getting on your nerves. I don’t care how Scottish you are.
SHERLOCK
Actually, some say the Devil was so captivated by the piper’s playing, that he carried him off to Hell.
MADISON
The Devil went down to Scotland?
SHERLOCK
Yes. And the people of Edinburgh believe he’s come back. They’ve reported hearing mysterious bagpipes playing for the last month or so.
MADISON
Why would a ghost come back after, like, a hundred years just to annoy everybody with bagpipes?
SHERLOCK
That is what I’m anxious to find out. Madison! You hear that? By Jove! Then it’s more than just a superstition!
MADISON
O.M.G., seriously? We mention the bagpipes and boom, there’s bagpipes? That’s not a ghost. That’s teenagers running a haunted house in a high school gym.
SHERLOCK
We can’t rule out the Devil’s bagpiper, Madison!
MADISON
It’s just the wind.
SHERLOCK
The only way to know for certain, is to pay a call on “old horny” himself.
MADISON
Not me. I got out of that line of work.
SCENE FOUR
BARTELL
Madison, do I have to wave my arms around?
MADISON
Yeah, but not like that! Go one direction in a circle.
BARTELL
Why am I a windmill again?
MADISON
You were right. Dr. Watson’s living room is no place for a driving range. But who keeps fancy plates in their living room?
BARTELL
Before the eighth hole, that was a china hutch.
MADISON
So now I’m working on putting.
BARTELL
And I’m a windmill?
MADISON
Have you ever been to a mini golf course without a windmill? Besides, you’re already standing on the sofa.
BARTELL
Ah!
MADISON
Makes the shot a challenge.
BARTELL
I think my arm movements are upsetting the dogs.
MADISON
Ya didn’t help yourself any when you kept runnin’ around the room while I was trying to tee off.
BARTELL
Because you hit me! Twice!
MADISON
Well, it’s gonna be three if you don’t spread your legs further apart so I can putt through the windmill.
BARTELL Very well.
MADISON
Okay, so my story. Sherlock insisted that we–
BARTELL
Maybe focus on your shot before you continue?
MADISON
You’re breaking my concentration! So Sherlock insisted we investigate the house next door, right? I wasn’t too thrilled about it, honestly, but we were out of brandy and there was always a chance they’d have some. Four! Ooo. That’s gonna need some ice. The moaning though, reminds me of the ghost. So, I follow Sherlock out the door…
SCENE FIVE
SHERLOCK
Come along, Madison. Dear me, the weather’s turned to sleet.
MADISON
Don’t walk so fast! That Scottish brandy really packs a punch.
SHERLOCK
Madison, you forgot your coat!
MADISON
You obviously have never been clubbing in New York in winter.
SHERLOCK
Well, we’re almost there. Oh, another little bit of local superstition I forgot to mention. They say that the corpses of people who died here of the plague sometimes come to life and wander about the house.
MADISON
Good for them.
SHERLOCK
That doesn’t frighten you?
MADISON
I am not elitist. If zombies want a night to party, who am I to judge?
SHERLOCK
Very open minded of you. Here’s the doorway. Now, let’s find out if the key still works. I only hope the lock isn’t too rusty. Won’t budge.
MADISON
Then let’s go back.
SHERLOCK
I’ll try the oil can– Madison! Don’t sit on the cold wet ground like that. You’ll catch your death!
MADISON
Then I can party with the zombies.
SHERLOCK
Confound this lock. No sense trying to break the door. It’s solid as Gibraltar.
MADISON
Then that door is doin’ better than the house. Look at this giant crack that starts here at the steps.
SHERLOCK
Well observed, Madison. The crack goes all the way over the archway up there. Hello, I turned the key and the lock’s decided to work. Oh, but the door is sticking. The hinge is rusty. Come on, Madison, on your feet.
MADISON
We goin’ back?
SHERLOCK
Help me with the door. Put your back into it!
MADISON
It’s not moving.
SHERLOCK
You’re not helping!
MADISON
But the crack’s moving!
SHERLOCK
Hurry! Help me with the door before the archway falls on us!
MADISON
Oh, good. Now we’re trapped in here forever. Hope the zombies are cool with roommates.
SHERLOCK
It’s quiet. I can’t even hear the wind.
MADISON
It stinks. Like a nursing home.
SHERLOCK
There’s something unhealthy… like a disease I smelt once in the tropics.
MADISON
Nursing homes smell like every disease all at once — with a slight undertone of tapioca.
SHERLOCK
Better light that dark lantern we brought along.
MADISON
It’s faster to use my phone’s flashlight.
SHERLOCK
My word, Madison! What is that?
MADISON
Oh, sorry, you Brits call it a “torch.” Which throws me every time I hear it. I instantly think you’re carrying fire on a stick.
SHERLOCK
It’s blinding!
MADISON
I’ll give you “football” for “soccer” because it is played with your feet, I’ll give you “lift” for “elevator” because it lifts you, but you gotta lose “torch.”
SHERLOCK
Extinguish that at once! If we haven’t stirred the Devil with our presence, that light will certainly have him upon us in a matter of moments.
MADISON
Fine. Let’s strain our eyes with candlelight.
SHERLOCK
Thank you. Dirty cobwebs, old tapestry hanging in shreds… nothing has been moved since the plague first touched the house. Look there in that room. That old oak table set for a meal.
MADISON
No chance there’s any brandy left on the table?
SHERLOCK
Would you really entertain drinking brandy found in here?
MADISON
In a pinch, I’ve drunk nail polish remover.
SHERLOCK
We’ll have to save the discussion of your drinking habits for another day. Let’s get on to the next room.
MADISON
You wanna gimme grief about my drinking? Aren’t you addicted to opium?
SHERLOCK
I believe you are referring to my seven-percent solution of cocaine.
MADISON
People always talk about how Coca-Cola used to have cocaine in it, except the original recipe called for cocaine and red wine. But they’re based in Atlanta, right? And when the city went dry, they weren’t allowed to put the wine in anymore! But the cocaine? Sure, we don’t see anything wrong with that!
SHERLOCK
Hush a moment, Madison.
MADISON
Hey! I’ve been listenin’ to your stories.
SHERLOCK
You really haven’t. But putting an end to your story, while a perk, is not the reason why I’ve stopped you.
MADISON
What?
SHERLOCK
We’ve entered a living room. Look over there, in the chairs.
MADISON
Dude! There’re people sitting over there!
SHERLOCK
Indeed. And the smell is stronger in here. Let’s get a closer look with the lantern. Ah! Madison! Turn off that light!
MADISON
They’re all naked!
SHERLOCK
Naked corpses, yes.
MADISON
O.M.G. that is so disgusting!
SHERLOCK
Perhaps if you turn off that confounded light source the picture before you wouldn’t appear so grotesque!
MADISON
No problem! Uck. I’ve seen a lot of dead bodies in these old timey radio shows, but at least they all had clothes. Everyone listening, be glad this is audio-only.
SHERLOCK
Hmmm… not corpses. Cadavers.
MADISON
There’s a difference?
SHERLOCK
Cadavers are used in medical experiments.
MADISON
Don’t touch them!
SHERLOCK
Why not?
MADISON
Are you blind? Swollen eyes, froth around the mouth, blackened flesh?
SHERLOCK
My word, you’re right! Symptoms of the Black Plague!
MADISON
Black Plague?! I just thought they looked gross.
SHERLOCK
But how is that possible?
MADISON
Meet your zombies.
SHERLOCK
Victims of the Black Death. All three bodies, people who died in this house centuries ago of the plague. But they’re not decayed. This defies logic.
MADISON
They didn’t die centuries ago.
SHERLOCK
How do you know this?
MADISON
Look at the woman. She’s got bangs.
SHERLOCK
Bangs? Oh! You mean fringe!
MADISON
And you Brits call the trunk of a car a “boot” can I please make my point?
SHERLOCK
Madison, do you hear that?
MADISON
The corpses can hear that from the afterlife.
SHERLOCK
The Devil appears to be arriving with his piper. And look, Mrs. Graham was right. The house does vibrate with those pipes.
MADISON
Not that much shaking. It’s a 2.0 at best.
PROFESSOR
Good evening.
SHERLOCK
Dear me, if it isn’t our friend, Professor Moriarty. I had no idea you were a musician.
MADISON
He’s not. He plays bagpipes.
PROFESSOR
And it looks like you traded in that raggedy old Dr. Watson for a much lovelier assistant.
MADISON
I’m not his “lovely assistant.” He’s not a magician.
PROFESSOR
Oh, but I would argue otherwise, dear lady. Only a magician as brilliant as the “Great Sherlock Holmes” could find me here.
SHERLOCK
Allow me to present, Miss Madison Standish.
PROFESSOR
A pleasure.
MADISON
Uck. You got predator vibes all over you.
PROFESSOR
I’d wondered how long it would take you to find me, Mr. Holmes. Allow me to congratulate you. You’re very prompt.
SHERLOCK
Most flattering, Professor, but I assure you, it was simplicity itself. You didn’t think I’d overlook anything as obvious as a sealed house and a haunted bagpiper who so conveniently came back to life in the last month?
PROFESSOR
Yes, I might’ve known my little ruse to get rid of my superstitious neighbors wouldn’t keep Sherlock Holmes away.
MADISON
Oh, my gawd! You two are stroking each other’s egos so hard it’s X-rated.
PROFESSOR
You’re right, Miss Standish. We should move on to business.
SHERLOCK
I presume your business involves the deceased who currently occupy this living room?
PROFESSOR
Ah, yes. These three poor devils. Failed experiments, I’m afraid.
MADISON
You couldn’t put some clothes on them? Maybe cover ’em with a tarp?
SHERLOCK
He’d have to consider them human to treat them with dignity.
PROFESSOR
Oh? Is it dignity? Is that where I went wrong? I’ll keep that in mind. Because it is rather fortuitous you arrived when you did, Mr. Holmes. For now yourself and Miss Standish can help me continue my experiments.
SHERLOCK
You mean, the plague?
PROFESSOR
I really must try my serum on two healthy specimens before I announce it perfect. After all, these three; an old beggar, a thief dying of starvation, and a woman of ill repute, well, they could hardly be expected to resist the disease.
MADISON
Ha! Sherlock! I told you these people weren’t from centuries ago. I figured it out from her bangs. Beauty historian.
PROFESSOR
My, my, Mr. Holmes. Upstaged by a woman?
SHERLOCK
A conclusion I was moments away from discovering myself when your musical interlude interrupted my investigation.
MADISON
You cannot let anyone else have a win, can you, Sherlock? Professor, you’re the only one he’s ever admitted could outsmart him.
PROFESSOR
Am I now?
SHERLOCK
The precise statement I made was that you and I more often than not end in a stalemate.
PROFESSOR
Well, this time, Mr. Holmes, you and I are simply going to end.
SHERLOCK
Is that so?
PROFESSOR
Yes. You see, these victims are recent, but they were killed by the germs of the original Black Death. Most amusing, isn’t it?
MADISON
No. You’re one of those guys who says something offensive, and then when you realize no one is laughing you say, “I was only joking.”
PROFESSOR
I am not joking.
SHERLOCK
Tell me, Professor, how did you discover those ancient germs?
PROFESSOR
They were in this house. I found a nice little culture of them in a glass of calf’s foot jelly, which was on the table in the front room. How they ever survived–
MADISON
Time out. “Calf’s foot jelly?” Worst Smucker’s flavor ever.
PROFESSOR
This one does interrupt a lot, doesn’t she?
SHERLOCK
I’ve come to miss Watson’s insatiable ramblings.
MADISON
Really? I’m the problem here? Not you two monologuing this scene to death?
SHERLOCK
I suppose you’d have us reduced to fisticuffs?
PROFESSOR
Now that would be amusing.
MADISON
Yeah, please. Watching you two old dudes fight would be like watching two drunk dads wrestle at a neighborhood barbecue.
PROFESSOR
Then perhaps I should just inject you with the Black Plague and be done with it?
MADISON
Oh, is that the alternative?
PROFESSOR
Come into my laboratory, both of you, I want to show you what I’ve been working on.
MADISON
Sherlock, I’ve already had a plague. I don’t want another plague.
SHERLOCK
Humor him, Madison, humor him.
MADISON
Humor him? How?
SHERLOCK
Ah, you’re right. Your humor is nothing more than snide commentary.
MADISON
Thank you.
PROFESSOR
Here we are. Quite a nice, modern enclave for such an ancient house, eh?
SHERLOCK
Yes, it is, Professor. Don’t you agree, Madison?
MADISON
Oh, am I supposed to make snide commentary now?
PROFESSOR
Here, this little test tube, it contains enough of the Black Plague to wipe out the entire city of Edinburgh.
SHERLOCK
I’d rather thought that was your purpose. You’ve never forgotten how they drove you out of Edinburgh at the time of the Berk and Hare scandal.
MADISON
Ooo! Scandal!
PROFESSOR
You know about that?
SHERLOCK
Quite. Your name wasn’t Moriarty then.
PROFESSOR
What of it?
MADISON
So bad he had to change his name? Okay, fess up. Who were you sleepin’ with? Mary Queen of Scots?
SHERLOCK
Our dear Professor here, Madison, was the young assistant to a Dr. Knotts. And together they were carrying on some exciting experiments.
MADISON
Sex experiments?
PROFESSOR
What is your preoccupation with sex?
MADISON
You’re the one with naked dead bodies chillin’ in the livin’ room.
PROFESSOR
Yes, Mr. Holmes, they were experiments that might’ve saved the world a great deal of suffering.
SHERLOCK
But you were short of cadavers. It wasn’t you, by any chance, who suggested to Berk and Hare — those two body snatchers — that a body did not have to be legally dead to be acceptable?
PROFESSOR
Well, what of it? They only killed the refuse of the city — beggars, scum.
SHERLOCK
But they met the hangman nonetheless.
MADISON
Why’d you go out and kill people? It’s 1800s Scotland. Isn’t the life expectancy like, thirty?
PROFESSOR
The fools. What price the death of a few, when we might have discovered a cure that would’ve saved all of humanity! Humanity. Bah! I hate it. Ever since then I’d sworn I’d get revenge on humanity and the law abiding citizens of Edinburgh in particular. And now the time has come. Tomorrow, the contents of this test tube will spread destruction throughout this city!
MADISON
I’m feelin’ ya.
SHERLOCK
Madison?
MADISON
Well, I don’t condone mass murder or anything. But he starts out trying to help humanity and it turns on him? That’s a good villain origin story. All I’m sayin’.
PROFESSOR
I’m glad you appreciate my motives, Miss Standish. But now, you and Mr. Holmes — you know too much. You shall be the first of the law abiding citizens to feel the prick of my little needle!
MADISON
Prick of his little needle! Oh! It’s a self esteem thing. He feels inadequate.
SHERLOCK
You do fixate on sex, don’t you?
MADISON
Maybe you need to stop fixating on my fixation with sex.
PROFESSOR
This is a fascinating discussion, truly. Do continue as I prepare my instruments. And I’d recommend neither of you move. One drop out of this test tube, even in its present state, is enough to cause death.
SHERLOCK
We understand.
MADISON
I mean, the human race procreated through the 1800s. You think it was only men who made that happen?
SHERLOCK
Madison, hush!
MADISON
No! Women need to have a voice about their own sexuality!
PROFESSOR
Let the woman talk, Mr. Holmes. I find it amusing when females try to speak at the same level as men.
MADISON
You want me to get mad at you for saying that, but I know the men who make comments like that are always the ones with “little pricks.”
PROFESSOR
Freud would have a lot to say about you, my dear.
MADISON
He wouldn’t be the first.
SHERLOCK
Say, Professor, while you’re preparing your solution, if you have no objections, I would like to play a tune on your bagpipes. I used to be rather good at them in my younger days.
MADISON
Just what I want in my last moments on earth. Bagpipes.
PROFESSOR
Go right ahead, if it will amuse you.
SHERLOCK
Quite.
MADISON
Aw, man. Could you hurry up with that Black Death?
SHERLOCK
Madison, stand here beside me against this wall.
MADISON
But-
SHERLOCK
Don’t argue!
MADISON
Sherlock, the house is vibrating. It’s getting close to a four pointer!
SHERLOCK
Yes, I believe this is the note that does it.
PROFESSOR
Hold on there! You’re shaking the house! The foundation is cracking!
MADISON
This house would rather implode on itself than have to listen to those stupid bagpipes!
PROFESSOR
Look out, man! You’ll bring the house down! Stop it at once!
MADISON
Back off, Professor!
PROFESSOR
Ah! That light is blinding!
MADISON
Meet my iPhone TORCH!
PROFESSOR
The walls! I’ve to get out of here!
MADISON
Can’t go that way! Front door’s blocked!
PROFESSOR
There’s a secret passage in the basement! If I can reach it in time!
MADISON
Sherlock! He dropped the test tube! The goo is spreading across the floor!
SHERLOCK
Madison! Step back into the fireplace! Hurry!
MADISON
I’m not supposed to die in Scotland! I’m supposed to die of mysterious circumstances on a billionaire’s yacht!
SCENE SIX
MADISON
And so Sherlock played that note on the bagpipes until the house came crashing down. Hey! You still listening in there? Shut up, dogs! That was just me knocking! Gross, dog breath. Go in the other room. Go on! Go! You still there?!
BARTELL
Yes.
MADISON
How long are you gonna stay in that bathroom?
BARTELL
Occupied!
MADISON
I know it’s occupied, you’ve been in there for half an hour.
BARTELL
Busy!
MADISON
Aren’t you at all curious how the story ended?
BARTELL
Were you killed?
MADISON
No.
BARTELL
Then, no, thank you. I like happy endings.
MADISON
Just for that, I’m gonna tell you anyway. Sherlock had figured out from that crack above the front door, that the house was weak and guessed which way it would fall if it caved in. So the wall that we were standing next to and the fireplace were the only things left standing. Did you hear me? Shut up, dogs! So, whatd’ya think?
BARTELL
That’s a nice story.
MADISON
Don’t you want to know what happened to Moriarty?
BARTELL
Not particularly.
MADISON
He got away. Through a secret passage in the basement.
BARTELL
Okay, then.
MADISON
Not a follow up question about the dead bodies in the living room? And the plague?
BARTELL
Nope.
MADISON
Well, Sherlock was afraid people might start digging through the rubble, so he poured the lantern oil over everything and started a fire! Boy did that thing go up. Even in the rain.
BARTELL
All right. Good night, now.
MADISON
Come on! You aren’t gonna sleep on the floor of the bathroom? Are you… crying?
BARTELL
I’m fine.
MADISON
Aw, c’mon. I… I didn’t tease you that much. Please open the door.
BARTELL
No!
MADISON
I’ll lock the dogs in the bedroom. Hang on. Okay. Dogs are locked up. Come on out.
BARTELL
No more golf?
MADISON
No! No more golf! I’m pretty sure I broke everything of value already.
BARTELL
Okay. Oh, I am sorry, Miss Standish. I imagine the water in that pitcher is frightfully cold. But it seems a rather fitting end for your Scotland story, don’t you think? Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Good night.
MADISON
Well played, Sponsor-dude, well played.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
Basil Rathbone embodied the “Sherlock Holmes” we know from the 30s and 40s, but by 1946, he decided to leave the radio series, despite the sponsor offering him everything they could to stay. But after twelve films and 220 radio episodes, Rathbone was afraid of being type cast in the iconic role. Too late! The series continued with British actor Tom Conway as Sherlock, with Nigel Bruce remaining as Watson, now receiving top billing. But even their sponsor, Petri Wines, left the series at Rathbone’s departure. And, unfortunately, fans took an immediately dislike to Conway in the role, despite his strong performances. He left after 39 episodes, and the series continued until 1950 with various actors stepping in as Sherlock. Our episode “The Adventure of the Haunted Bagpipes” was from the Conway season.
32.
