MADISON ON THE AIR: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES – “THE SECOND GENERATION”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: FEBRUARY 2025

SCENE ONE

STEVENS
Petri Wine brings you– The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes! The Petri family — the family that took time to bring you good
wine — invites you to listen to Dr. Watson tell us another exciting adventure he shared with his old friend, that master detective,
Sherlock Holmes.
(CONTINUES MUFFLED BEHIND MADISON/BARTELL)
And as for me, well, I’d like to tell you about a wine that’s just wonderful before dinner. And that wine is Petri California Sherry. You know about sherry, of course, but do you know about Petri Sherry? That Petri Sherry is the kind of wine you can really talk about. It has the look of quality. A rich, dark, amber color. And it has the aroma — the bouquet as the experts call it — of wonderful sun ripened grapes. And flavor? Well, if you want your wine to taste good, Petri sherry is the wine you want. It’s really delicious. Oh, and incidentally, if you like your sherry on the dry side — you know, not sweet — Petri makes a pale dry sherry that’s out of this world. Take home a bottle of Petri sherry. Serve it by itself or with hors d’oeuvres or cocktail sandwiches. But serve it proudly, because the name Petri is the proudest name in the history of American wines.

MADISON
Hey, what gives? The door’s locked. Dude — uh, Harry — starting the show without me? Open up! Is that… is that Sponsor-Dude? Uh, Harry? Harry! Harry!

BARTELL
Hello, Madison.

MADISON
Ah! Harry? What are you doing out here? I thought that was you in there!

BARTELL
I don’t work for the sponsor of “Sherlock Holmes” anymore, remember? Petri Wines fired me.

MADISON
Ohhh… right… I’m forgetting why.

BARTELL
Because you drove me to drink and I… said some things I shouldn’t have.

MADISON
Yeah! On the air you called their wine, “swill.”

BARTELL
Yes, thank you. Therapy had almost helped me blocked that out. So, are you back housesitting for Dr. Watson?

MADISON
I thought I was supposed to, but I can’t get in to Dr. Watson’s apartment, eh– flat. What’re you doing here if you were fired?

BARTELL
I… forgot my sweater here. to get it back. My mother made it for me. I wanted to get it back.

MADISON
Oh, Sponsor-Dude that is so sad.

BARTELL
No, no. Things have been fine since you and I parted. After we narrowly escaped being accused of murder–

MADISON
Dude! That’s right! I’d almost forgot about that!

BARTELL
Seems our little adventure last year didn’t leave much of an impression on you.

MADISON
You try time traveling every month. It majorly messes with your memory. I’m starting to feel like a goldfish who swims to one side of the bowl and then forgets how they got there.

STEVENS
And now for our weekly visit with the good Dr. Watson!

MADISON
That’s my cue! I gotta get in there!

WATSON
Good evening, Mr. Stevens!

STEVENS
Good evening, Doctor.

MADISON
Wait! Dr. Watson is home?

STEVENS
Oh, no, don’t get up. You look much too comfortable.

WATSON
Won’t you come and join me in the living room?

STEVENS
Thank you, Doctor.

MADISON
I’m very confused. It’s May. I always do my Sherlock Holmes episode in May. What’s going on?

BARTELL
Well, no sense interrupting them. I’ll have to come back later.

STEVENS
I enjoyed your story of, “A Scandal in Bohemia,” Doctor. And tonight you promised us a sequel.

MADISON
Wait! Harry! He just said “A Scandal in Bo-hamas.” That was my first Sherlock Holmes adventure!

BARTELL
“Bohemia.” So?

MADISON
Don’t you remember? That was when we first met.

WATSON
That’s right, Mr. Stevens, a sequel that took place over twenty years afterwards. In 1909, to be exact.

MADISON
We gotta get in there. Help me with this window.

BARTELL
Please, Madison, I haven’t had a drink in three hundred and thirty-three very long days–

MADISON
No! They’re doin’ a sequel to “A Scandal in Bo-hamas”–

BARTELL
“Bohemia.”

MADISON
It wasn’t a fake place, it was a real place.

BARTELL
“Bo-hamas”?

WATSON
It was in June.

BARTELL
Madison, I really don’t think–

MADISON
Shh! I can’t hear!

WATSON
I remember that I received a telegram from the great man asking me to come and spend a long weekend with him. Sherlock Holmes was
living on his Sussex bee farm.

MADISON
What is a “Sussex bee farm?”

BARTELL
A bee farm in Sussex.

MADISON
Rearranging the words does not give me the definition. “What is a stage coach? A coach for the stage.” Like, not helpful.

STEVENS
I’m sure you needed no urging to accept the great detective’s invitation.

WATSON
None, Mr. Stevens, none at all.

MADISON
We’ve gotta accept his invitation.

BARTELL
What are you talking about?

WATSON
I hadn’t seen Holmes for some time.–

MADISON
We gotta find that Sussex bee farm.

WATSON
–And this fact found me on the Eastbourne train a few hours after receiving the telegram.

BARTELL
So, what if we do find his bee farm? It’s not 1909. No one will be there.

MADISON
I’m a time traveler, Harry, remember?

BARTELL
Yes. I remember we went back in time a full year. I paid my taxes for 1945 twice.

WATSON
–It wasn’t long before I found myself once more with my good friend. He looked somewhat older than when I’d last seen him.

MADISON
C’mon, Harry. We gotta get to 1909.

BARTELL
How do you propose to do that? Where are you even going?! And why am I following you?

WATSON
A wave of nostalgia swept over me. I thought of the many years that we’d spent together and the exciting adventures that we had
shared during the old days in Baker Street.

SCENE TWO

MADISON
So this is a bee farm?

BARTELL
Yes.

MADISON
And Sherlock Holmes retired here?

BARTELL
Yup, mm-hmm.

MADISON
Why? I mean, I’m all about protecting pollinators and everything, but I don’t think I’d want to be in charge of boxes full of insects.

BARTELL
Well, you’d have ask Sir Arthur Conan Doyle about that.

MADISON
Are you okay?

BARTELL
Mm-hmm.

MADISON
Sponsor-Dude. Seriously. Are you afraid of bees?

BARTELL
No. Just allergic.

MADISON
Oh. Well, we gotta find a way inside his house. No one is writing me out of my own sequel.

BARTELL
Buh… buh…

MADISON
What? I didn’t hear you.

BARTELL
Buh… bee…

MADISON
Oh, it just landed on your shirt. Here, I’ll get it.

BARTELL
No!

MADISON
Sorry. Missed. But it flew off.

BARTELL
Mm-hmm. And now there are three more.

MADISON
Hey! That’s Sherlock playing. C’mon. There must be an open door or window somewhere.

BARTELL
I think it’s best if I don’t move.

MADISON
Don’t you think it’s ridiculous to be afraid of tiny insects?

BARTELL
Not afraid. Deathly allergic.

MADISON
My little sister is afraid of spiders. So cliche. And I was like, Cassie, they’re good for the environment because they eat insects
and stuff but she still got mad when I’d put them in her bed.

WATSON
Beautiful, Holmes. Quite beautiful.

SHERLOCK
Thank you, Watson.

MADISON
C’mon! We gotta get inside!

BARTELL
Let go of my sleeve! Ah!

WATSON
Did you hear something outside, Holmes?

SHERLOCK
My dear fellow, you’ve become too accustomed to city life in London. Out here in the country there is a world of nature free of the
sounds of horse drawn carriages and factory whistles.

WATSON
I still find it hard to think of you in retirement, Holmes. Do you ever consider returning to active practice?

MADISON
His back door is open! in his old age. Sherlock is really letting his guard down.

BARTELL
This is the servant’s entrance.

MADISON
Servant’s entrance? What is this, Downton Abbey?

SHERLOCK
Oh, I consider returning occasionally, Watson, and then reject the idea. A man should work only up to the peak of his ability. I’m
past mine.

WATSON
Nonsense, Holmes. You’re just as alert as ever you were.

SHERLOCK
Mentally, perhaps, but not physically.

BARTELL
Why are we breaking in at all? Why didn’t we just knock at the front door?

MADISON
Because we’ve both been kicked off the show, Charlie Sheen. There’s no walking in the front door for us. Now shoosh! They’re talking.

WATSON
Would you, perhaps, consider handling a small problem?

SHERLOCK
Oh, if it’s a personal problem that affects you, my dear chap, you know I’ll do anything I can.

WATSON
Well, it’s not exactly my problem, Holmes, but there was a charmingbyoung girl on the train.

SHERLOCK
You don’t age at any rate, old chap! as ever.bYou’re just as susceptible

MADISON
Ew.

BARTELL
What?

MADISON
That this old Dr. Watson is hitting on young girls. Now, if he were old Jude Law…

WATSON
No, no, Holmes! Let me finish. The girl said that you knew her mother quite well.

SHERLOCK
Her mother?

MADISON
Who do you suppose her mother is?

BARTELL
Someone’s coming!

MADISON
Quick! Into the pantry! Wow that’s a lot of jars of honey.

BARTELL
Shut the door!

RICHARDS
Yes, sir?

DEVERS
I bring a message to Mr. Holmes.

RICHARDS
Through that door.

DEVERS
Thank you.

MADISON
Clear.

BARTELL
Really, Madison. This is too unnerving. I truly don’t care if I’m in the sequel.

MADISON
Well, I will not be Marty’s girlfriend replaced by Elisabeth Shue! Or Elisabeth Shue replaced by Daniel’s Okinawa girlfriend. Or Elisabeth Shue in “Adventures in Babysitting” because I really don’t like kids.

DEVERS
Excuse me, sir.

SHERLOCK
Oh, yes, Devers, what is it?

DEVERS
I’m sorry to disturb you, Mr. Holmes. Your man said I might come in. My master, Mr. Lytton Stanley, instructed me to deliver this
note.

SHERLOCK
Thank you.

DEVERS
He, uh, also instructed me to wait for a reply.

SHERLOCK
Oh, confounded impudence! You tell your master that there is no answer to this letter.

DEVERS
But he told me I must get a reply.

SHERLOCK
You may tell Mr. Lytton Stanley that I will instruct my solicitors to reply to his message in due course.

MADISON
Daymn. What’s in that letter? A dick pic?

DEVERS
But, sir–

SHERLOCK
That is all, Devers. You may go.

DEVERS
Very good, sir.

MADISON
Incoming!

BARTELL
Madison, I am not going to spend this entire episode hiding in a pantry.

MADISON
What? You’ve never played hide-and-seek where you hid and no one came looking for you?

BARTELL
Someone did that to you?

MADISON
No, I did that to my sister. Then my family went to Disneyland. When we got back, we found her in my mom’s closet asleep on her
shoes.

BARTELL
Your family didn’t realize she was missing?

MADISON
She was only six.

SHERLOCK
Richards!

MADISON
Pantry!

RICHARDS
Yes, sir?

SHERLOCK
Dispose of this letter, will you?

RICHARDS
Right away, sir.

BARTELL
I think I’d rather take my chances with the bees.

MADISON
Look! He left the letter on the counter.

BARTELL
It’s not proper to read other people’s mail.

MADISON
It’s not password protected, so it’s fair game. “Keep your filthy bees where they belong. One of my guests was stung yesterday. If this happens again, I’ll have the police run you out of this place.” What a douche nozzle. I hate neighbors who are all up in your business. Like, I can sunbathe topless in my own backyard if I want to. Not my fault your eleven year-old gets a boner every time he looks out his bedroom window.

SHERLOCK
Please continue with the story of the young lady that you met on the train, Watson. You say that she told you her mother knew me?

WATSON
Indeed.

SHERLOCK
What’s her name?

WATSON
Norton. Irene Norton.

MADISON
Norton. Do we know an Irene Norton?

BARTELL
From “A Scandal in Bohemia?” Yes, I believe that was the married name of Irene Adler.

MADISON
Oh, right. The one Sherlock called “The Woman.”

BARTELL
She was something special as I recall.

SHERLOCK
Norton! Oh, but of course. Where is the girl, Watson?

WATSON
She’s staying at the Red Lion in the village.

SHERLOCK
Then ring her on the telephone and tell her we’re on our way! Imagine! The daughter of Irene Adler, the only woman to have ever fooled me!
MADISON

Okay, perfect! We gotta beat them to the Red Lion!

BARTELL
Do we, though?

MADISON
Harry, how else are we going to insert ourselves into the plot?

BARTELL
Maybe we don’t?

MADISON
Every sequel has to shoe-horn in the popular characters from the first movie. Audiences don’t want something new, they want the same moments they loved from the first one.

BARTELL
How do you know we’re popular characters?

MADISON
I will not dignify that with a response. Except for–

SCENE THREE

MADISON
Okay. That must be her at the back table.

BARTELL
How do you know?

MADISON
She’s young and pretty and by herself and the only one in here who doesn’t look like she owns a bee farm.

BARTELL
I really don’t feel comfortable doing this.

MADISON
You’ll be great! How many of Dr. Watson’s stories have you had to sit through? You know the character of Sherlock better than… Benedict Cumberbatch! Ohhh… do you think with all my time jumping, I’m destroying the realities in the timelines I visit like Dr. Strange did?

BARTELL
As far as my life is concerned, I’d answer that with a resounding, “yes.”

MADISON
Cool.

BARTELL
Madison, I really shouldn’t be in a… pub. My sponsor would be very upset.

MADISON
I thought Petri Wines fired you?

BARTELL
No, I mean my A.A. sponsor.

MADISON
Oh, well, keep comin’ back it works if you work it. Now get over there!

CHARLOTTE
Oh! Are you Mr. Holmes?

BARTELL
Eh… possibly?

CHARLOTTE
Possibly? Oh, I understand. I shouldn’t have blurted your name out in a public place like that. I apologize. I am Miss Charlotte Norton. Irene Norton’s daughter.

BARTELL
A… pleasure to meet you. My dear.

CHARLOTTE
Please, join me.

BARTELL
Thank you.

CHARLOTTE
Mr. Holmes, I’ve heard so much about you from Mother. She says you’re the cleverest man in England.

BARTELL
Oh, your mother flatters me. My dear.

MADISON
Some-fin tah drink fer you two, gove-nah?

BARTELL
No! No, thank you!

CHARLOTTE
Please, Mr. Holmes, it’s my treat. I’ll have an Old Fashioned and the gentleman here is fond of burgundy. Do you have Montrachet?

MADISON
Uh… probably?

BARTELL
Really, Miss Norton, I can’t–

CHARLOTTE
I confess, my mother told me your favorite drink. She said you toasted she and father with it at their wedding.

BARTELL
But, I–

MADISON
If ye toasted ‘er mum at ‘er weddin’ t’would be rude manners not tah accept!

BARTELL
Could you make it a non-alcoholic Montrachet?

MADISON
This one’s a funny one, ain’t he? Roight, then, back with the drinks lickety-split!

CHARLOTTE
Mr. Holmes, I will be blunt. I’m being blackmailed.

BARTELL
Oh. Um… By whom?

CHARLOTTE
By a neighbor of yours, Mr. Lytton Stanley. Do you know him?

MADISON
Lytton Stanley? That tosser?

CHARLOTTE
I… thought you were getting our drinks?

MADISON
Roight. Eh… waitin’ on the barkeep to… get back from the loo.

CHARLOTTE
This is a private conversation.

MADISON
Well, la-dee-dah. Guess I’ll just go get your drinks then.

CHARLOTTE
You see, Mr. Holmes, Mr. Stanley has some letters, some rather indiscreet letters of mine, that I wrote to a friend of his last year.

BARTELL
Oh?

CHARLOTTE
I presume he must have stolen them. I don’t know how, but when I was staying at his house a few weeks ago, he told me that he had
them and asked for five thousand pounds for their return.

MADISON
Five thousand pounds? That’s a ‘eap of coin, ain’t it? What was in them let-ers?

CHARLOTTE
Please, miss. Could you just get us our drinks?

MADISON
Who died and made you Queen of England?

CHARLOTTE
Mr. Holmes, I’m engaged to be married to Lord Weston’s son. That awful Mr. Stanley knows that if my fiancé saw the letters, the marriage would never take place.

BARTELL
Uh, perhaps you should tell your mother?

CHARLOTTE
Oh, no. She’d never understand. And Daddy’s a barrister. You can imagine how straight laced he’d be about the whole thing. That’s why I came to you, Mr. Holmes.

BARTELL
Uh, what are you suggesting I can do?

CHARLOTTE
Steal the letters back for me.

BARTELL
Well, I really don’t–

CHARLOTTE
I can tell you how to do it, Mr. Holmes. Tomorrow is the servant’s half day off at Mr. Lytton Stanley’s. He will be alone there during the afternoon. My maid was keeping company, as they say, with Devers the butler when I was staying there a few weeks ago. She found out everything from him. My letters are kept in a filigree box in Stanley’s desk.

BARTELL
Really, I think that, uh–

MADISON
‘ere’s your drinks, mum!

BARTELL
Oh, thank, God.

MADISON
Try lettin’ that breathe, there, gove-nuh.

CHARLOTTE
And perhaps your lady friend here might assist you.

MADISON
Uh… What?

BARTELL
Are you going to drink that?

MADISON
Lady friend? Eh… I ain’t no friend of ‘is. Never seen ‘im before in me life!

CHARLOTTE
Please. You are no barmaid. First, this establishment doesn’t have table service. I had lunch here this afternoon. Second, you’ve slipped your accent through so many dialects, I feel as though I were on a tour of the British isles via America.

MADISON
Daymn, you’re good.

CHARLOTTE
I don’t know why the ruse, Mr. Holmes. Unless you don’t believe what I told Dr. Watson on the train, and you are sussing me out.

BARTELL
Uh… well…

CHARLOTTE
Hopefully I have convinced you. Please, Mr. Holmes, I need those letters returned. All I ask is you acquire the filigree box but don’t open it. I am horribly embarrassed by the content of the letters.

MADISON
I gotcha, girl. I had a boyfriend who read the texts I’d sent to my ex. He got so pissed he broke up with me.

CHARLOTTE
Then you understand how writing down foolish notions in the past can come back to haunt you.

MADISON
Well, when I was writing those texts, my ex wasn’t really in “the past.”

WATSON
Ah! Miss Norton!

CHARLOTTE
Doctor?

MADISON
Whoops. Come on, Harry! Time to go.

CHARLOTTE
You aren’t Mr. Holmes at all!

BARTELL
But I want another drink!

CHARLOTTE
Wait! Stop! I–

WATSON
Miss Norton, good to see you again.

CHARLOTTE
Yes, Dr. Watson, a pleasure to see you again, as well.

WATSON
Allow me to introduce Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

CHARLOTTE
An honor, to be sure. Do sit down.

SHERLOCK
Pleased to meet you, Miss Norton. I apologize. We didn’t mean to chase off your associates.

CHARLOTTE
They were not my associates. But never mind. I am very happy to make your acquaintance, sir.

SHERLOCK
And I yours. Did your mother ever tell you about the circumstances under which we met?

MISS NORTON
No, Mr. Holmes, though she did tell me that you were a witness when she and my father were married.

MADISON
Harry, this is our chance!

BARTELL
For what?

MADISON
Charlotte is going to try and get Sherlock to steal back that box with her letters, so we gotta steal it first!

BARTELL
Bartender!

MADISON
We just gotta get into that Mr. Stanley’s house so we can access his desk.

BARTENDER
Two more of the same for ya, miss?

BARTELL
And make it a double!

MADISON
What? Oh, Harry. I never thought I’d be the one breaking up anyone’s alcohol fueled good time, but if you fall any further off the wagon, I’m gonna need a wagon to get you home.

BARTENDER
Perhaps you ought to get him a room upstairs for the night, Miss.

MADISON
I’m not gonna pay for that! He can sleep it off like I used to do in an Arby’s parking lot.

SCENE FOUR

SHERLOCK
Dear old Watson, your disguise is really excellent.

WATSON
Oh, I must confess, I’m a little apprehensive.

SHERLOCK
Are you, old chap? There’s no need to be, I assure you. You as Dr. Hamish and I as the Reverend Appleby are calling on Mr. Lytton Stanley ostensibly in search of a contribution for my charity hospital that you are in charge of. What could be simpler? Are you ready?

WATSON
Yes.

SHERLOCK
If he’s home, why the devil doesn’t he answer the door?

WATSON
My dear Reverend Appleby! For a parson, your language is hardly appropriate.

SHERLOCK
I am sorry, Dr. Hamish. Here comes someone.

BARTELL
No! I’m not doing this again!

MADISON
I kept you from drowning in your own vomit! You owe me!

BARTELL
Yes?

SHERLOCK
Mr. Lytton Stanley?

BARTELL
That is my name.

WATSON
Have we arrived at a bad time, sir?

BARTELL
Yes. Oh! I mean, “No.”

SHERLOCK
Well, my name is Appleby, and this is my friend, Dr. Hamish.

WATSON
I’m proud to meet you, sir. I’ve heard a great deal about you.

BARTELL
What can I do for you?

SHERLOCK
If we could come in for a moment, I’ll explain our mission.

BARTELL
Now’s not really a good– Oh! I mean, do come in, won’t you?

SHERLOCK
We are raising a subscription list for a charity hospital at Upwaltham, just across the Downs. You’re a prominent resident here, and we thought that you’d like to donate a few guineas.

WATSON
It’s a fine course, sir. I’m giving my medical services three days a week, and the Reverend Appleby is donating his services, too.

MADISON
Ha! “Applebee!”

SHERLOCK
Pardon me?

BARTELL
I… didn’t say anything.

SHERLOCK
Your neighbor, a… Mr. Holmes — if I recall correctly — gave five guineas.

BARTELL
Um…

MADISON
Yes!

BARTELL
Yes! I will give you five guineas.

SHERLOCK
Splendid, sir!

WATSON
Very generous.

SHERLOCK
Could we trouble you for them now?

MADISON
Yes!

BARTELL
Yes! Yes! That is to say, they’re here in my… um…

MADISON
Desk drawer!

BARTELL
Desk drawer! Of course.

SHERLOCK
Very good. Might you retrieve the guineas from your desk drawer, presently?

BARTELL
I do apologize. I have a bit of a hangover– Headache! Headache at the moment.

WATSON
That’s quite all right. We are none of us ourselves when we are suffering.

BARTELL
Indeed.

SHERLOCK
The guineas, sir?

BARTELL
Oh, yes, you see, I can’t seem to get my desk drawer open. It’s, um…

MADISON
Stuck!

BARTELL
Stuck! It’s stuck.

SHERLOCK
Well, would you protest if I took a go at opening it?

BARTELL
Uh…

MADISON
Yes!

BARTELL
Yes! Yes, I would mind.

MADISON
No!

BARTELL
No! No, I wouldn’t mind?

WATSON
Which is it, sir? Yes or no?

SHERLOCK
Quick, Watson, the chloroform.

WATSON
Right!

WATSON
Hold him still, Holmes. Hold him still!

SHERLOCK
Very neat, Watson.

WATSON
Chloroform doesn’t take long, does it?

SHERLOCK
Now to the desk drawer.

WATSON
Locked, perhaps?

SHERLOCK
A small obstacle, my good chap. And one I came prepared to overcome.

WATSON
Oh, my! Your old lock picking kit! You’ve kept it through all these years.

SHERLOCK
Practicing from time to time keeps my fingers nimble.

WATSON
By, Jove! Well, done, Holmes!

SHERLOCK
And here is the treasure we seek. The filigree box.

MADISON
Don’t move! I have a gun!

WATSON
What is this?

SHERLOCK
This, my dear Watson, is the source of the voice guiding Mr. Lytton Stanley’s imposter.

MADISON
Don’t turn around!

SHERLOCK
A familiar voice at that. If I may turn around to confirm?

MADISON
Slowly!

SHERLOCK
Ah. A pleasure to see you again, Miss Standish.

WATSON
Miss Standish? My old house-sitter?

SHERLOCK
“Old” is a poor descriptor, Watson. Why, Miss Standish, you don’t look a day older than last we met. Scotland, wasn’t it?

MADISON
O.M.G. you remembered! I have boyfriends who can’t remember our first date at our one week anniversary.

SHERLOCK
I do have an unusually brilliant mind.

MADISON
Obviously. Like, how did you know Harry wasn’t Lytton Stanley?

SHERLOCK
Mr. Lytton Stanley is an entitled man of wealth who finds pleasure in domineering over the local residents. This man is a sad alcoholic who is domineered over by you.

MADISON
Dude! I missed you, Sherlock!

WATSON
Perhaps you can put the revolver away now that we’ve had our proper introductions?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, no. Both of you put your hands up. I want that box.

SHERLOCK
And what are you up to, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Can’t you figure it out? You figure everything out.

SHERLOCK
Enlighten me.

MADISON
Dude. You guys cut me out of the sequel!

WATSON
My dear young lady! We’ve done no such thing!

SHERLOCK
No, Watson, she is correct. Miss Standish was with me during the caper which you later entitled, “A Scandal in Bohemia.”

MADISON
So, I have every right to be in the sequel.

SHERLOCK
And here you are.

WATSON
Pointing a revolver at us, no less.

MADISON
I wanted to get the box of letters for Miss Norton. But I couldn’t open the desk. I used to have some mad break-in skills. Like, there wasn’t a teacher’s desk around I couldn’t get the answer key from.

SHERLOCK
So you used this young chap to lure me in to do it for you?

DEVERS
I am grateful that you opened the desk, as well.

WATSON
Another revolver pointed at us!

SHERLOCK
Yes, Watson, but this one is real. Unlike the toy Miss Standish is brandishing.

MADISON
Nothin’ gets past you, Sherlock!

DEVERS
I’ve been trying to open that desk for weeks. After such kindness on your part, sir, I hate to seem ungracious, but I’m dreadfully afraid I shall have to kill you all.

MADISON
Who’s this douche?

SHERLOCK
Devers the Butler.

MADISON
He wants Miss Norton’s letters, too?

DEVERS
Letters? I am after the Stoutenburg Emerald Stanley keeps in that drawer.

MADISON
Okay, well, You can keep the emerald. I just want the letters. I’ve never been a jewelry girl. Shoes, though.

SHERLOCK
It’s true. We aren’t here after any valuables.

DEVERS
Oh, come now, Mr. Holmes. You know the treasures in this house as well as I do. Apart from the emerald, there’s a superb Cellini that would fetch a fine price in the right market.

SHERLOCK
You’re going to steal the treasures, I suppose, and then pretend that we were responsible.

DEVERS
Exactly, sir. I shall kill you all, secrete what objects appeal to me, and explain that I found four men burgling–

MADISON
Excuse me! Don’t you try cutting me out of the sequel, either!

DEVERS
Fine. Four men and a woman burgling the house. I killed four of the party while the last man got away with the loot. Who will be able to doubt my word? I should be regarded as a hero.

MADISON
I am not likin’ this guy. Let’s make sure he’s not in the third movie.

SHERLOCK
One last request.

DEVERS
What is it, sir?

SHERLOCK
I’m beaten, and I admit it. I’m getting old, but in my heyday I’ve crossed swords with some of the greatest criminals in Europe. My life has been attempted many times, but I’ve always escaped. If this is to be my swan song, at least give me the privilege of shaking the hand of the man who has at last bested me.

MADISON
Hey! I’m still young! I’m not ready for a swan song! Or a duck song or any song by water fowl!

DEVERS
Well, sir, I feel that I’m stepping a little out of my station, but I suppose the situation is unusual. I hope you don’t object to the left hand. I’ll keep the revolver in my right.

SHERLOCK
Very well, Devers.

DEVERS
Goodbye, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

SHERLOCK
Goodbye, Devers.

MADISON
Screw this!

WATSON
My word, Miss Standish!

MADISON
That’s the skills from two summers of ladies mud wrestling right there.

WATSON
Well done!

SHERLOCK
And highly unnecessary. With my handshake, I was positioned to throw him over my shoulder.

MADISON
You were positioned to break a hip, old man, that’s what you were positioned to do.

WATSON
He gashed his head. It’s not serious. He’ll be unconscious for a while.

SHERLOCK
Good, but I think we’ll take the precaution of closing this desk drawer. I don’t want him to be exposed to further temptation when he comes to. We’ll just take Miss Norton’s box and lock the drawer again.

WATSON
Shouldn’t we get in touch with the police, Holmes?

MADISON
The cops? What’re ya crazy? None of us are supposed to be here.

SHERLOCK
I am inclined to agree. Our disguises would be difficult to rationalize to the police. Along that subject; Miss Standish, what have you done with the real Mr. Lytton Stanley?

MADISON
I didn’t do anything to him. He’s in the servant’s quarters. He’s actually the one who has been shacking up with Miss Norton’s maid and how she got her intel about the servant’s day off.

SHERLOCK
In that case, I suggest we return to the bee farm as soon as possible.

WATSON
Yes, I suppose you’re right. Miss Norton will be waiting for us there and we’ll tell her what’s happened. Poor girl, I’m afraid she’s in for something of a shock.

MADISON
Um, excuse me? How ’bout a little help with the guy you freakin’ chloroformed? I already had to drag his drunk ass through town last night.

SHERLOCK
Ah, yes. Grab hold to an end, there, won’t you, Watson?

WATSON
Oof! Now for this work, I am painfully past my prime.

MADISON
Lift with your legs, old British dudes.

SCENE FIVE

CHARLOTTE
Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson, I’m so glad to see you back again. you get the filigree box?

MADISON
Hey, girl.

CHARLOTTE
Oh. You again. And… your friend. Is he all right?

SHERLOCK
On the Chaise Lounge with him. Yes, the young chap is fine. Although it appears you had two sets of thieves working on your behalf today, Miss Norton.

CHARLOTTE
Oh?

MADISON
Harry and I tried to get the box of letters for you, too.

CHARLOTTE
Did you, now? Well, were any of you successful?

SHERLOCK
Yes, here it is.

CHARLOTTE
Wonderful!

MADISON
You’re welcome.

CHARLOTTE
Yes, thank you. I… wasn’t sure what to make of you last night in the pub. Sorry about that.

MADISON
I happened to have known your mom, prior to the sequel, too. Although I wasn’t the one who kept a big ol’ photograph of her as “all the payment I desire.”

SHERLOCK
Mmm, yes. Say, why not open the box, Miss Norton?

CHARLOTTE
Well, I… I, uh…

SHERLOCK
Open it, my dear. There may not be love letters inside it, but there’s a note.

CHARLOTTE
Oh?

MADISON
Wait, no love letters?

SHERLOCK
Why don’t you read the note to us?

CHARLOTTE
“Let this be a warning, Miss Norton. Crime does not pay. If you don’t believe me, ask your mother. Sincerely, Sherlock Holmes.” Mr. Holmes, you knew my secret all the time.

SHERLOCK
Not all the time, but I realized it as soon as I’d opened the filigree box.

MADISON
You opened the box! She said not to open the box. Sherlock! You have got to honor a lady’s box!

WATSON
What on earth are you talking about?

SHERLOCK
I’m not certain what Miss Standish is talking about, but Miss Norton was under the impression that she could use me as a dupe to commit a burglary for her.

WATSON
I still don’t understand Holmes. What was inside the box?

SHERLOCK
An impressive green stone which I knew to be the Stoutenburg Emerald.

MADISON
The emerald the butler wanted!

SHERLOCK
Indeed.

CHARLOTTE
But where’s the emerald now?

SHERLOCK
I slipped it back into Mr. Lytton Stanley’s desk and locked it. I brought the box here because I wanted to see your expression, Miss Norton, as you opened it.

WATSON
Great Scott, and I thought you were a poor little thing in trouble! Shocking.

MADISON
That kind of manipulation of men? You are an artiste. O.M.G. girl. We should totes hang out.

SHERLOCK
I wouldn’t exactly commend her actions, Miss Standish.

CHARLOTTE
I am terribly sorry, Mr. Holmes. It seemed like a wildly exciting idea, but I didn’t really mean to steal the emerald.

SHERLOCK
No, of course not. And I didn’t mean to steal it for you. Miss Norton, I’m convinced you knew that your mother once outwitted me and you presumed to think that you could do the same. I should turn you over to the police.

CHARLOTTE
Please don’t, Mr. Holmes!

MADISON
Aw, c’mon, Sherlock! No harm, no foul. No pain, no gain. No shoes, no shirt, no service.

SHERLOCK
I’m not going to for two reasons. First, you’re young and impressionable and this may teach you a lesson. And in the second
place, I have a strange admiration–

MADISON
Hard on.

SHERLOCK
–for your mother. But I warn you, Miss Norton, that you have had a very narrow escape.

CHARLOTTE
Thank you, Mr. Holmes, truly.

MADISON
Whoop! Looks like Harry’s wakin’ up.

WATSON
Here, help him sit up.

BARTELL
Oh… what happened?

MADISON
You’ve got the Super Bowl of hangovers with a halftime show full of hip hop dancers in your head.

CHARLOTTE
Before I go, there’s one favor I want to ask you, Mr. Holmes.

SHERLOCK
Really? What is it?

CHARLOTTE
Could I keep this filigree box with your note inside it? It would be a reminder all my life of how we met.

BARTELL
Oh… gotta stand.

WATSON
There might be some nausea. Perhaps a walk in the garden for some fresh air.

MADISON
Okay, Sponsor-Dude. Let’s get you movin’. Don’t want you pukin’ on this fancy sofa. The upholstery doesn’t look stain resistant.

SHERLOCK
What do you say, Watson? Shall I give Miss Norton the box?

WATSON
Oh. Uh, well, it isn’t really your box to give her.

SHERLOCK
That’s true, old fellow, that’s quite true. But I fail to see how we can return it now without disclosing our own share in the attempted robbery. In any case, I don’t like Mr. Lytton Stanley. I think we might indulge in a little petty larceny without feeling too guilty. Very well, Miss Norton. You may keep the box.

CHARLOTTE
I shall always treasure it. Thank you. Goodbye, Dr. Watson. Don’t think too badly of me.

WATSON
Goodbye, my dear.

CHARLOTTE
Goodbye, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

SCENE SIX

MADISON
C’mon, Harry. Let’s just get you to this chair.

BARTELL
Chloroform! And I had a drink last night!

MADISON
Many drinks.

BARTELL
I told you I didn’t want to be in this sequel! I just wanted to get my sweater.

MADISON
Hey, girl. Leaving already?

CHARLOTTE
Um. Yes. I’m sorry again for the ruse.

MADISON
No biggie. We had you goin’ at the pub that Harry was Sherlock.

CHARLOTTE
Uh…

BARTELL
I need to get to the restroom! I think I may…

CHARLOTTE
…Yes, I was completely fooled.

MADISON
Might as well puke out here, Harry. It’s 1909. Sherlock’s country house doesn’t have indoor plumbing.

CHARLOTTE
Well, I hope your friend feels better. Goodbye.

MADISON
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where ya headin’ there?

CHARLOTTE
I have a train to catch.

MADISON
Not with that box you don’t.

CHARLOTTE
Box?

MADISON
The Philippine box.

BARTELL
Filigree.

MADISON
Angle to the left, Harry. You’re in splatter distance of my shoes.

CHARLOTTE
The box? Oh, this silly thing? Yes, Mr. Holmes told me I could have it as a keepsake.

MADISON
You’re good, girl. Your mom taught you exactly how to work Sherlock.

CHARLOTTE
I don’t know what you mean.

MADISON
Look, Sherlock may be a master detective and all that. But he’s still got a penis — old and shriveled as it may be. And a pretty young girl who swoops in and drags up memories of his “one who got away–”

CHARLOTTE
I had no idea Mr. Holmes had such an attraction to my mother.

MADISON
Stop tryin’ to play the playa. There were never any letters and you never actually wanted the emerald. You wanted the Cellini.

CHARLOTTE
Cellini?

MADISON
The Philippine box.

BARTELL
Filigree!

MADISON
Stop focusing on correcting me and focus on keeping your breakfast down!

CHARLOTTE
The Cellini box is mine and you can’t do anything about it.

MADISON
Hmm. Really? AHH!!!

CHARLOTTE
Ah!!

MADISON
Your mom taught you to be a thief, my mom taught me to be a lady mud wrestler.

BARTELL
How did you know, Madison?

MADISON
This isn’t a shoe box. Look at how fancy it is. Gotta be worth somethin’.

BARTELL
But you called it the Cellini.

MADISON
I dunno. The wire design looks like spaghetti. Italian.

BARTELL
Oh, no! You’ve… you’ve angered the bees.

LYTTON
Mr. Holmes! Mr. Holmes!

MADISON
Hey, look. I bet that’s the neighbor-guy, Stanley.

LYTTON
Holmes! I need your help! I’ve been robbed!

MADISON
Yup. That’s him.

BARTELL
Madison! The bees!

SHERLOCK
I say, old man, what is all the shouting about?

LYTTON
Mr. Holmes! We haven’t been the best of friends, I know. But you’ve got to help me now. I’m in serious trouble.

SHERLOCK
Oh, indeed, sir? Won’t you come in?

MADISON
I should probably bring the box inside.

BARTELL
I’ve been stung!

MADISON
And I should probably get Dr. Watson.

BARTELL
Hurry! Anaphylaxis!

MADISON
Ya know, Harry. I hate to say it but, maybe you shouldn’t come on these adventures with me.

SCENE SEVEN

STEVENS
You know, Dr. Watson, I just can’t get over the way you and Mr. Holmes let that girl, Miss Norton, pull the wool over your eyes. Boy, she really twisted you around her little finger.

WATSON
Mr. Stevens, I don’t like to make extremely positive statements, but I’m sure that if you were in my shoes, Miss Norton would not only have twisted you round her little finger, but she’d have had you rolling about in hoops and standing on your head.

STEVENS
You mean she was that beautiful?

WATSON
Mr. Stevens, she was so beautiful that she’d make you forget all about Petri wine.

STEVENS
Dr. Watson, no girl is that beautiful!

WATSON
Oh, how young you really are.

STEVENS
Well, maybe so, but there are lots of pretty girls in this world and only one Petri wine. That’s because there’s only one Petri family that’s been making wine since the 1800s. And believe me, because the Petri business has always been family owned and operated, they’ve been able to hand on down from father to son, from father to son, the highly skilled art of making fine wine. And those generations of winemaking add up to a lot of experience. The Petri family really knows how to turn luscious California grapes into fragrant, delicious wine. That’s why, no matter what type wine you wish, you can’t go wrong looking for the label that says P-E-T-R-I. Petri. Because Petri took time to bring you good wine.

MADISON
You know, it’s not even a matter of men always letting their penis guide their judgement, but that you all accept it as inevitable. You embrace the weakness as if it’s not a weakness but just part of the natural order of things. Therefore denying that you have a weakness so you can continue to feel superior to women.

BARTELL
If I admit I have a weakness, can I get my sweater and go home?

MADISON
Do you really admit it? Do you admit that you probably wouldn’t have put up with all of my craziness all of these times if I wasn’t hot?

BARTELL
Good night, Madison.

MADISON
You admit I’m hot, right?

BARTELL
Good night, Madison!

MADISON
I know you think I’m hot! See you next year!

BARTELL
Don’t count on it!

MADISON
He’ll be back.

STEVENS
Good night, Dr. Watson!

WATSON
Good night, Mr. Stevens. Always a pleasure.

MADISON
If not… Hey, there, Sponsor-Dude!

STEVENS
Pardon me?

MADISON
You’re the new Petri Wine Sponsor-Dude. We should talk.

EPILOGUE

MADISON
This episode of “The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes entitled, “The Second Generation” was, indeed, written as a sequel to “A Scandal in Bohemia.” “A Scandal in Bohemia” was adapted from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle short story and aired on the Mutual Broadcast Network on December 10th, 1945. The sequel, also referred to as “Irene Adler’s Daughter,” aired a week later on December 17th. It was written exclusively for the radio series with a nod to Doyle’s portrayal of the retired Holmes tending his bees in the countryside of Sussex from Doyle’s story “The Adventure of the Creeping Man.” The “old” Sherlock, retired and past his prime, is supposed to be 49 years old. With Dr. Watson always considered by scholars to be a few years older than Sherlock, that means in 1945 Watson would be in his mid nineties. But we’ll suspend our disbelief for the sake of the radio show ‘cuz we love it so much.