MADISON ON THE AIR: THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES  – “THE EYES OF HARRY BARTELL”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MARCH 2026

ANNOUNCER
Petri Wine brings you “The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes!” And now for our weekly doctor’s visit. Let’s see if Dr. Watson is expecting us.

WATSON
You know I always expect you this time on Monday evenings, my boy! So draw up your usual chair and settle down.

ANNOUNCER
Thank you, Doctor.

MADISON
Harry? Harry? You out here on the patio? He’s gotta be around here somewhere. It’s May and we always do our Sherlock episode in May.

ANNOUNCER
All alone this evening, Doctor?

WATSON
Alone? Why, whatever do you mean?

MADISON
I wonder if he won’t be here this year. He’s not the Sponsor-Dude for Petri Wines anymore. And he was kinda… perturbed at me last year.

ANNOUNCER
I meant, where are the puppies, Doctor?

WATSON
Oh! Yes, of course! They’re out on the patio.

MADISON
Harry! Harry?

WATSON
The dogs had a most unfortunate encounter on the beach this afternoon.

MADISON
O.M.G.! What is that smell?

ANNOUNCER
Encounter? What kind of an encounter?

WATSON
With a dead seal, I’m afraid. In consequence, they are a little, well, malodorous shall we say.

MADISON
Geez, dogs! Eh! What did you roll in? Oh, gag. You’re making my false eyelashes melt!

ANNOUNCER
In that case, Doctor, perhaps we better change the subject. So suppose I ask you about tonight’s new Sherlock Holmes Adventure?

MADISON
I gotta get outta here and find Harry.

WATSON
Well, my boy, the story takes place in the dark alleyways of Limehouse.

MADISON
Ew! C’mon you nasty dogs! Get off me! Eh!

WATSON
It was there on a foggy December evening in 1890 that my story began. At about five o’clock on that December evening, in a vile alley called “Upper Swandam Lane.”

WATSON/MADISON
The distant moans of the riverboats called out while footsteps echoed through the empty cobblestone streets.

MADISON
Suddenly I saw a steep flight of steps leading down to a black gap, like the mouth of a cave. I walked down. The steps were worn hollow in the center by the ceaseless tread of stumbling feet. I reached the bottom. A door faced me and above it, a flickering oil lamp winked warnings at me. I found the latch and lifted it. The door squeaked open protestingly, and I entered. O.M.G. This place smells worse than Watson’s dogs! Whoa, low ceiling. Uck! The room is full of smoke. What is this, a hipster hookah lounge?

PROPRIETOR
Please. This way.

MADISON
Hang on a minute. My eyes are still adjusting. Why are all of these people laying around in weird positions? Oh! Is this a yoga class? The smoke is like incense, right? Congrats. You found something that smells worse than Patchouli.

PROPRIETOR
Please. Quiet. There is room. This way.

MADISON
Why is everybody laying in bunk beds? Weird. Still gotta be better than goat yoga. Paid a hundred bucks to have a goat stand on my back during child’s pose and poop down my yoga pants.

PROPRIETOR
Here.

MADISON
You want me to get into that stanky bed? I’m not laying in whatever bodily fluids are festering on those sheets.

PROPRIETOR
Then you leave.

MADISON
Chill, dude. I’m lookin’ for someone.

PROPRIETOR
He not here.

MADISON
I didn’t even tell you who I was looking for.

PROPRIETOR
He not here, either.

MADISON
Well, maybe I should look around a little.

PROPRIETOR
You must not disturb the place.

SHERLOCK
Miss! For ‘eaven’s sake, get me outta ‘ere!

MADISON
Ew! Let go of my jacket! The boils on your neck look like they’re about to erupt.

PROPRIETOR
Please. You leave. Now!

SHERLOCK
‘elp me, Miss! Don’t say ya won’t ‘elp me! I’ll go straight this time, I will! Cross me ‘eart!

MADISON
Boy, you’re taking me back to my college days. Okay, I don’t see Harry, so I figure I should pay it forward. Come on, let’s go.

SHERLOCK
Ah, bless ya, Miss!

PROPRIETOR
You cannot take him away! He owe me money!

SHERLOCK
That’s a bleedin’ lie! I paid ‘im when I come in, I did!

PROPRIETOR
He cannot go with you!

MADISON
Dude, I don’t know what you got goin’ on in here, but I’ve got a really big mouth and no problem talking. I’m not gonna say I’m the only reason the men’s Lacrosse team was expelled, but they did learn there were consequences to their off the field actions.

SHERLOCK
Thank ya, Miss! I’m indebted to ya, I am.

MADISON
Okay, we’re outside. You can let go of me now. And a little bit of advice from someone who’s been there. Eat something before you pass out. You’ll feel better in the morning. Or choke on your own vomit. Lay on your side when you go to sleep.

SHERLOCK
A wealth of advice, Madison, but not necessary. Although, I could stand to have a meal.

MADISON
Sherlock?!

SHERLOCK
Yes, I’m very glad to see you again. What brought you to that filthy den of iniquity?

MADISON
Den of what now?

SHERLOCK
“Iniquity.” Eh… “Immorality”? Opium. It’s an opium den.

MADISON
Dude! That was an opium den?! Oh, god! You don’t think I’m gonna get a contact high and start hallucinating, do you? I did shrooms like, once, and apparently spent five hours talking to a Bob’s Big Boy statue. He really understood me, ya know?

SHERLOCK
If you didn’t realize it was an opium den, what brought you here?

MADISON
I was looking for someone. A friend.

SHERLOCK
You were looking for a friend, and I was looking for an enemy.

MADISON
Oh. You were “looking” for someone, huh? And this whole ensemble is what you wear when you go “looking” for someone?

SHERLOCK
This is a disguise. So I could be free to observe the patronage of the opium den without raising suspicion.

MADISON
Come on, Sherlock. Everyone knows about you and your opium addiction.

SHERLOCK
I’ll have you know I only indulge in cocaine.

MADISON
Oh, yeah. That’s much better.

SHERLOCK
I truly do desire a meal. How about we find a chophouse and, if you’ll indulge me, I’ll tell you the full story.

MADISON
“Chophouse?” Please tell me they don’t only serve meat?

SCENE TWO

SHERLOCK
An excellent meal, Madison.

MADISON
So, apparently they do only serve meat. In that chophouses only serve men.

SHERLOCK
You’ve always been eager to wear a disguise. I feel my opium addict attire suits you. But do try to lower your voice. Your distinct… eh… “high register” will surely give you away.

MADISON
Yeah, yeah, my voice is annoying. You’re not the first guy to say that. Although you are the first guy to say it without hiding behind a fake name and an avatar.

SHERLOCK
Shall I tell you the story of what brought me to the opium den?

MADISON
Go for it. It’s gonna take me about seven years to digest this meat pie.

SHERLOCK
Well, you see, Madison, I’m shadowing a most unusual criminal. A man who haunts the opium dens, yet I know that he, himself, is not an addict.

MADISON
Doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything criminal. Unless he’s secretly taking compromising photos that he’ll use later for blackmail. Don’t ask me how I know.

SHERLOCK
What fascinates me is this man pretends to be an addict. I’ve watched him closely. He fakes his smoking, and grease paint has enabled him to simulate the characteristic pallor of a drug victim. He even affects the typical mannerism of nose scratching. But it’s his eyes that give him away.

MADISON
What about his eyes?

SHERLOCK
The pupils are wide open. Whereas, if he were really addicted to the drug, they would be contracted.

MADISON
Like yours are right now, Mister “I-didn’t-inhale.”

SHERLOCK
I always treat my eyes with a special kind of drop on the occasion when I have to enter these dens.

MADISON
You do the drops beforehand? I always did the drops after. Visine, it gets the red out… so your parents can’t tell you’re baked.

SHERLOCK
This puzzle — why a man would haunt an opium den in order not to smoke — intrigues me.

MADISON
Although my giggling for fifteen minutes straight usually gave it away.

SHERLOCK
He’s not a policeman or private detective, I’ve already checked on those possibilities.

MADISON
O.M.G. this one time, I tried to explain that I’d heard this really funny joke and I tried to tell it to them. “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cat. Cat Who?” and I just lost it.

SHERLOCK
Madison, I believe there is only one answer. I believe the man is planning a murder.

MADISON
Wait, murder? This guy you’ve been looking for isn’t your client?

SHERLOCK
No. I told you, I was intrigued to investigate why this man was frequenting opium dens if he were not an addict.

MADISON
Which means in order to have seen him in the opium dens, you would’ve had to first be in the opium dens. For… what reason? And don’t tell me peer pressure.

SHERLOCK
Why I was in the opium dens to begin with is of no circumstance to this case. Although, your rather flimsy excuse for being there — searching for a “friend,” I believe? — Might require further investigation.

MADISON
Ohmahgawd, Harry! I still haven’t found Harry!

SHERLOCK
Well, perhaps we can both help each other. Let’s head back to Baker Street.

MADISON
Okay, but let’s take one of those handsome cabs. That meat pie is sitting in my gut like a boulder the size of something Fred Flintstone might dig up at the quarry. Ya know, like that side of ribs that makes his car fall over? Boy I’m gonna need a vegan flush after this.

SCENE THREE

SHERLOCK
So you followed your friend, Harry, is it? To the Limehouse opium den. Do you believe he may be an addict?

MADISON
I don’t know what lead me there. But he has had trouble with alcoholism. Maybe he’s moved on to harder stuff! He is very weak minded. He let me drag him into things when he really should’ve know better.

SHERLOCK
The temptation of opium has lead many a man astray. And I believe the man I have been following is tempted to use the opium den as a setting for murder.

MADISON
I’m not questioning your logic because, ya know, you’re Sherlock, but how are you jumping right to murder on this?

SHERLOCK
Elementary. The would-be victim is an addict. Under the influence, he’d be drugged and helpless. Witnesses in the establishment are in an equal state of befuddlement and the proprietor is anxious to cover up the crime because of the police.

MADISON
Do you know who the victim is?

SHERLOCK
No. As of this moment, I have yet to discover the identity of the murderer. Confound it. Who can that be?

MADISON
Should I go get it?

SHERLOCK
No, no. Mrs. Hudson will see to it.

MADISON
Well, if someone’s coming up here, I think I oughta change out of this disguise you put me in. You’re authenticity extending to B.O. is impressive, but the fumes are starting to make me dizzy.

SHERLOCK
That’ll have to wait, Madison. Come in. Yes, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON
It’s a gentleman, sir. He gave me this card, says he’s very anxious to see you.

SHERLOCK
Wayne J. Cholmondeley, President Cholmondeley Corporation in Bristol. Ask him to come up, will you, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON
Aye, sir. And… your… comrade, sir? Will he be staying?

SHERLOCK
Indeed.

MRS. HUDSON
Right, then. I’ll see to your visitor.

MADISON
Comrade? Do I really look like a dude in this get up?

SHERLOCK
Not when examined with any scrutiny, but because your appearance is that of a vagrant, polite society quickly turns away, uncomfortable to gaze upon you for more than a few seconds.

MADISON
And I’m sure the B.O. helps.

SHERLOCK
Undoubtedly.

MRS. HUDSON
This way, sir.

CHOLMONDELEY
Thank you.

SHERLOCK
How’d you do, Mr. Cholmondeley?

CHOLMONDELEY
You are Sherlock Holmes?

SHERLOCK
You guessed correctly, sir. Excuse me. Oh, Mrs. Hudson, just a moment.

MRS. HUDSON
Aye, Mr. Holmes?

MADISON
Eh… ‘ave a seat, Govnah?

CHOLMONDELEY
You’re a… er… associate of Mr. Holmes?

MADISON
Oh, yes. Known ‘im for years. ‘E gave me the clothes off ‘is back, ‘e did.

CHOLMONDELEY
Oh, is that right? And you are…?

MADISON
Eh… Monty. Monty Python.

CHOLMONDELEY
Unusual last name.

MADISON
I have a… flying circus.

SHERLOCK
Thank you for your patience. Now, Mr. Cholmondeley. May I ask what brings you here?

CHOLMONDELEY
I’ll talk fast and to the point. I am a businessman. I like to do things in a business way. I have a chance to control the guano deposits in the Republic of San Pedro.

MADISON
Hang on there, Govnah. Did you say “guano” deposits?

CHOLMONDELEY
Yes.

MADISON
“Guano” as in bat sh–

SHERLOCK
Yes. The excrement from various Chiroptera species is considered highly valuable in the production of fertilizer.

CHOLMONDELEY
That’s right. And the minister from San Pedro will be in London tomorrow. If it weren’t for one thing, I know that I could swing the deal and get the concession.

SHERLOCK
And what is that “one thing,” Mr. Cholmondeley?

CHOLMONDELEY
The deal is supposed to be secret. I thought no one knew about it. However, when I got here, I discovered that my biggest business rival has gotten wind of it.

MADISON
I would not wanna be down wind of guano.

CHOLMONDELEY
He’s an American. I’ve never met him, but he’s arrived here in London.

SHERLOCK
Just what you wish me to do, Mr. Cholmondeley?

CHOLMONDELEY
Get this rival of mine and keep him out of circulation for a week. I don’t care how you do it. In a week’s time, I’ll give you the other half of this five hundred pounds.

MADISON
Five hundred pounds of guano? What’s the street value of that?

SHERLOCK
Here are your hat and gloves. Goodbye, sir.

CHOLMONDELEY
What are you doing? Throwing me out?

SHERLOCK
I can’t think where you gathered the impression that I indulged in kidnapping. Once again, goodbye, sir.

MADISON
Good luck with the poop.

CHOLMONDELEY
You are not how I imagined you, sir. Giving of your time to this… vagrant, while refusing a well paying client. This is the last you’ll see of me, Mr. Holmes.

SHERLOCK
Life is full of little consolations.

MADISON
I don’t think he needs to buy any poop. He’s clearly full of it.

SHERLOCK
Madison! The game’s afoot! Mr. Cholmondeley is the man I’ve been seeking. The man who pretends to be an opium smoker!

MADISON
Should we go grab him or something?

SHERLOCK
No, no, no. Don’t worry. I’ve already arranged for that.

MADISON
You did?

SHERLOCK
When I left the room just now to talk to Mrs. Hudson, I was intending to tell her to summon some of my band of street urchins — you know, the Baker Street Irregulars — when she informed me that half a dozen of them were in the kitchen at this very moment partaking in one of her incomparable steak and kidney pies. The rest should be obvious.

MADISON
“The rest should be obvious?” I need a translator for the first part.

SHERLOCK
I left instructions for one of my loyal boys to shadow Mr. Cholmondeley when he left here.

MADISON
Ah! You got a street gang of spies, huh? Bunch of little “Artful Dodgers” running around?

SHERLOCK
If that descriptor aides your comprehension, then, yes.

MADISON
Is Poop-dude back?

SHERLOCK
No, I think not. I should say that at the moment, he’s just about to walk out the front door. No, I think we shall have another visitor.
THIS EXCHANGE OF CHOLMONDELEY AND HARRY WILL BE MUFFLED AND DISTANT, BEHIND SHERLOCK AND MADISON
CHOLMONDELEY
What are you doing here?!

HARRY
What about you? Is everything you do a secret?!

CHOLMONDELEY
Get out of my way! You’re pathetic trying to interfere with my business!

HARRY
We’ll see if the minister from San Pedro thinks my offer is pathetic!

SHERLOCK
And judging by the commotion, the incoming and the outgoing visitors know each other and are not on the best of terms.

MADISON
Wow! I haven’t heard a heated fight like that since I got thrown out of my nephew’s hockey game. But to be fair, that eight year-old started it.

SHERLOCK
Here comes Mrs. Hudson to tell us about it. Yes, come in.

MRS. HUDSON
Oh, Mr. Holmes, you’ve got another visitor.

SHERLOCK
So I gathered, Mrs. Hudson. You gave my instructions to one of the boys?

MRS. HUDSON
I did that, sir. Young Wiggins is going to follow the gentleman.

MADISON
Mrs. Hudson, what was the fight about? Was that little Suzie girl cross-checking again?

MRS. HUDSON
Oh, it was the two gentlemen shouting at each other. Him that was leaving, and the one that was waitin’ on the doorstep.

SHERLOCK
And who is our new visitor, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON
Here’s his card.

SHERLOCK
Thank you. “Harry Bartell.”

MADISON
What?! Harry?!

SHERLOCK
You know this chap?

MADISON
He’s the guy I’ve been looking for!

SHERLOCK
Well, it seems all roads lead to Baker Street. Ask him to come up, will you, Mrs. Hudson?

MRS. HUDSON
Very well, Mr. Holmes.

SHERLOCK
Oh, one thing more?

MRS. HUDSON
Yes, sir?

SHERLOCK
Please instruct another of the Baker Street Irregulars to follow this Harry Bartell when he leaves here and report to me.

MRS. HUDSON
All right, sir.

MADISON
You don’t need to have Harry followed. I’m gonna talk to him.

SHERLOCK
I think not, Madison. Somehow your Harry is tied in with this Mr. Cholmondeley. He may even be the intended victim. It’s best you remain disguised until we learn more.

MADISON
Yeah, okay.

SHERLOCK
Be sure to look at the condition of his eyes.

MADISON
Oh… Harry… How far you’ve fallen.

SHERLOCK
Come in. Good evening, Mr. Bartell.

HARRY
Good evening, Mr. Holmes.

SHERLOCK
This is my colleague–

MADISON
Monty Python!

SHERLOCK
Monty… Python.

MADISON
It’s a family name.

HARRY
I see. Nice to meet you. Uh, who was that who just left here?

SHERLOCK
Won’t you sit down, sir.

HARRY
No, um… thank you. I– I don’t want to sit down. All right, you don’t have to answer my question, but I know it was my rival. I’ve never met him, but I’ve seen his picture in the newspaper.

SHERLOCK
Very well then, sir, your guess is correct.

HARRY
Ah. I know why he came to you. He’s… he’s trying to get me out of the way while he closes that deal on the San Pedro guano concession.

MADISON
Harry! Have you sunk so low that you’re dealing in poop?

HARRY
Pardon?

SHERLOCK
Eh, what… Mr. Python is interested in learning about you, sir, is how you came to be dealing in guano. You’re American, are you not?

HARRY
Yes, I am. I… was given an opportunity to work for my former employer.

MADISON
Petri Wine?

HARRY
(surprised)
Yes. You know it?

SHERLOCK
Do you know it? Mr. Python?

MADISON
Eh… Yeah, Govnah. Drink it down at the pub wif all me mates.

HARRY
Please, Mr. Holmes. You’ve got to be on my side.

SHERLOCK
And how do you propose I help you, sir?

HARRY
Whatever fee he offered you to dispose of me, I’ll double it if you’ll take care of him for a few days.

SHERLOCK
Oh, dear me, this is becoming monotonous.

MADISON
You can ‘elp ‘im, can’tcha, Govnah?

SHERLOCK
Although you have an affinity for his company’s product, Mr. Python, I’m afraid my answer to Mr. Bartell duplicates the one I’ve already told to his competitor. Sherlock Holmes does not engage in kidnapping.

HARRY
That man is out to kill me, Mr. Holmes! You won’t extend your services to keep me alive?

MADISON
Sherlock! Help him!

SHERLOCK
Perhaps you’d fair better going to the police. Don’t you think so, Mr. Python?

HARRY
Thank you for your time, then, sir. Good night.

SHERLOCK
Good night, sir.

MADISON
Sherlock!!!

SHERLOCK
Did you notice his eyes, Madison? The pupils were contracted. He’s obviously an opium addict. And also a potential corpse.

MADISON
If you believe he’s gonna be killed, why wouldn’t you help him?

SHERLOCK
I am helping him, Madison. But not in the capacity he desires. I won’t keep Cholmondeley out of commission, but I will try and prevent a murder.

MADISON
Yeah? How?

SHERLOCK
For now I must wait for the Irregulars to report. But I want to send you on an errand.

MADISON
Errand? Like a coffee run?

SHERLOCK
I need you to bring back Dr. Watson. I have a feeling that we’ll need his medical services before the night is out.

MADISON
Okay, fine. But I gotta change first.

SHERLOCK
Agreed. My well-crafted disguise is useless if you repeatedly forget to stay in character.

MADISON
I wasn’t trying for an Oscar. Hey, where’d my clothes go?

SHERLOCK
In order for your clothing to be in my closet, you would’ve had to have carried them home from the chophouse and put them there.

MADISON
Well, duh.

SHERLOCK
Which you did not.

MADISON
What? Yes, I did.

SHERLOCK
Of course. Why believe me? I only have an unparalleled sense of observation.

MADISON
Dammit! I left my clothes at the restaurant? Then gimme another of your disguises to wear. I don’t wanna go around in the latest Spring line from the “Strung out on Drugs” collection.

SHERLOCK
Very well. We’ll see what best suits you.

MADISON
And I don’t want to be dressed as a prostitute.

SHERLOCK
That limits our choices, doesn’t it?

MADISON
Fine. But I want classy, not “Jack the Ripper” victim-y. I’d like to get through this story without being disemboweled.

SCENE FOUR

WATSON
Yes, Miss? How might I help you?

MADISON
Spare me if you can, mister! Me feet hurt some-fin’ awful and I ain’t had a bite of food all day.

WATSON
Madison?

MADISON
You can see through my disguise?

WATSON
Disguise? I thought you normally dressed like that.

MADISON
Like a prostitute?!

WATSON
Eh… well…

MADISON
Honestly, I like the heavy lifting this corset is doing right now. Might want to put this in my regular rotation.

WATSON
Yes, well, wardrobe discussion aside, may I enquire as to what you’re doing here? And at this hour of the night?

MADISON
Sherlock sent me. He needs you and your medical bag at his place.

WATSON
My word! Is Sherlock all right?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, totes. He just thinks someone is gonna get murdered.

WATSON
But this person has not yet been… murdered?

MADISON
Hopefully not.

WATSON
Well, no sense trying to puzzle out Sherlock’s motives. I’ll get my bag.

MADISON
Okay, later.

WATSON
You’re not returning with me to Baker Street?

MADISON
I got one more stop to make in this disguise. Bye!

WATSON
She’s as disguised as a banana in a peel.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
Oh, man. I wasn’t acting when I said my feet hurt. These Victorian boots aren’t made for walkin’. Now, let’s see where I am. Corner of Swandam Lane and Brickell Street. Found my way back to the opium den. Look at me using a paper map. And my high school geography teacher said my generation wouldn’t be able to find our way out of our own bedrooms without GPS. Although, I did get lost in a parking garage once. The security guard had to drive me to my car on his Segway. I ended up renting that rent-a-cop for half an hour. Totally worth it. It’s so dark in here, how am I gonna find him? Harry? Harry? Ah! Somebody really needs to move these stupid things.

OPIUM ADDICT
Eh, there, Miss. Come lay ‘ere wiff me.

MADISON
What, you think I’m delivering the prostitute you ordered? This isn’t Whore Dash.

PROPRIETOR
Who is it that come in?

MADISON
Dammit, I don’t want that dude to see me. Move over, Romeo.

OPIUM ADDICT
Eh! That’s sharp! You pinched me!

MADISON
It’s called a corset and be glad you don’t have to wear one.

OPIUM ADDICT
I can help you with it, love…

MADISON
Boy, this opium den is just the party house, isn’t it?

PROPRIETOR
Ah, welcome. This way.

MADISON
Okay, he’s gone. Hey! Casanova! You’re lying on my skirts! Great. Well, I might’ve just invented the first Victorian mini skirt.

HARRY
Madison?

MADISON
Harry? You recognize me in this disguise?

HARRY
What disguise?

MADISON
I might need to rethink my wardrobe choices.

HARRY
Why are you here?

MADISON
The Chinese dude is coming back! Move over.

HARRY
What? Ah! Ow! Madison!

MADISON
Shh! Quiet! Alright, he’s gone.

HARRY
Madison, would you mind telling me what you’re doing here?

MADISON
Harry, I can’t believe you’ve become an opium addict! What happened? I thought Petri Wines was giving you another chance.

HARRY
Sure. If I can buy guano for them. I used to be their spokesman!

MADISON
So you went from verbally shoveling poop to physically shoveling poop.

HARRY
Wait, how did you know about–?

MADISON
C’mon, Harry, we gotta get you outta here!

HARRY
No, Madison. If my rival gets the guano commission–

MADISON
You don’t know that he’ll get it!

HARRY
And you’ll find this humorous. I actually went to Sherlock Holmes for help.

MADISON
Yeah, I know–

HARRY
And he wouldn’t help me! After all of those episodes I’ve done with. Dr. Watson prattling on about their– “Adventures.” What a crock.

MADISON
But, Harry–

HARRY
He wouldn’t even help me after I told him my rival wants to kill me!

MADISON
If he doesn’t kill you, the opium will! Gimme that pipe!

HARRY
Wait, Madison!

MADISON
I’m going to save you from yourself and smoke this pipe for you.

HARRY
Madison, you don’t understand–

MADISON
Whoa… this stuff hits fast.

PROPRIETOR
Welcome sir, this way.

CHOLMONDELEY
I’m looking for someone.

HARRY
I’m trying to tell you–

MADISON
Wegottagetchaouttahere!

HARRY
Madison! Be quiet!

PROPRIETOR
Who do you look for?

CHOLMONDELEY
It’s all right. I believe I’ve found him.

SCENE SIX

PROPRIETOR
You have searched my house from basement to attic. Why do you not give up?

WATSON
But my friend came in here half an hour ago. I saw him! And before that, two other men are known to have come in here.

PROPRIETOR
If that is so, then where are they? Three men cannot vanish.

WATSON
That’s just the point, you scoundrel! Out of the way! I’m going to search this hovel again. I’m not leaving here until I find Mr. Sherlock Holmes!

MADISON
Dr. Watson?

WATSON
Madison?! Great Scott! What are you doing here?

MADISON
Uh… What was the question?

WATSON
Have you seen Sherlock?

MADISON
Uh… What was the question?

PROPRIETOR
There, you found this girl. You take her.

WATSON
Come along, Madison. Let’s get you back to Baker Street and sobered up. And hopefully we’ll find Sherlock returned.

MADISON
Uh… What was the question?

SCENE SEVEN

MRS. HUDSON
Dr. Watson, what is it, sir? Oh, my days! Is… is this Mrs. Watson?

WATSON
Of course not!

MADISON
I am a prostitute.

MRS. HUDSON
My mistake.

WATSON
No time to explain it, Mrs. Hudson. Please, Mr. Holmes. Is he here?

MRS. HUDSON
Aye, sir. Came in half an hour ago. He was carryin’ some drunken friend of his.

MADISON
Oh… I could totes go for a drink right now.

WATSON
I apologize, Mrs. Hudson. It appears both Sherlock and I have brought home two rather ill-mannered guests.

MADISON
I’d curtsey but I’m missing most of my skirt.

MRS. HUDSON
Quite all right.

WATSON
I’ll take her up to see him.

MRS. HUDSON
Alright, sir. Good night, sir.

SHERLOCK
Ah, Watson, old chap. There you are. And I see you’ve located Miss Standish.

WATSON
Or what remains of her.

MADISON
I could stand to sit down. Sit down to stand. Up sit to down…

SHERLOCK
Had a personal encounter with a dream stick, has she?

WATSON
More like a nightmare.

SHERLOCK
Here, my dear, have some of my Turkish coffee. It’ll perk you right up.

MADISON
I’m just gonna pass out on the sofa.

SHERLOCK
I’m afraid my sofa is already occupied.

WATSON
Who’s that lying there?

SHERLOCK
Get your bag, Watson. Although, I’m afraid the poor devil’s done for.

MADISON
It’s Harry! Harry! Oh, Harry! You have a knife in your chest! Why did you just leave it there? I’ll get it out for you, Harry!

WATSON
No! Miss Standish, please!

MADISON
Oh, no, Harry! You sprung a leak! Quick! Somebody turn off the water main!

WATSON
Allow me to tend to the patient!

MADISON
Okay, here’s the knife.

WATSON
You can… put that down.

MADISON
Oh, Harry! Poor, poor, Harry!

SHERLOCK
Madison, you may reserve your grief for another day. That is not Harry Bartell.

MADISON
It isn’t?

SHERLOCK
No. This is Wayne Cholmondeley.

MADISON
Seriously?

SHERLOCK
Unless your friend grew a full beard in these last few hours.

MADISON
Wait, wait, wait! This Cholmondeley guy was a supposed to be the murderer, not the murderee.

WATSON
He’s still breathing, but he hasn’t a chance. I’ll try him with an injection of strychnine.

MADISON
Strychneen? Oh, you’re lookin’ to finish him off?

WATSON
Strychnine is a stimulant, you silly girl.

MADISON
Strychnine is a poison, you tubby ape.

WATSON
And so is that substance you smoked tonight!

MADISON
I was trying to protect Harry!

SHERLOCK
Now, now, both of you. I shan’t have you arguing while this man is dying.

WATSON
How did you get his body out of the opium den? I searched the place from top to bottom. I found no trace of any of you.

SHERLOCK
When I went in, I found the stabbing had already taken place. I’d come disguised as a sailor, so the proprietor then bribed me to smuggle the body out through the secret stairway leading to the wards at the back of the house.

MADISON
So the stabbing happened while I was in there?

SHERLOCK
You were in no state to be a useful witness.

MADISON
What happened to Harry, then?

SHERLOCK
He must have left before me by the same exit.

WATSON
Yes, I concur. I was watching the front door the entire time as you had instructed me, Holmes.

SHERLOCK
He’s trying to say something.

WATSON
Yes, the injection’s beginning to take effect.

CHOLMONDELEY
I… I…

SHERLOCK
Yes, Mr. Cholmondeley? What are you trying to say?

WATSON
Tell us who stabbed you, sir!

MADISON
O.M.G. You know it was Harry!

SHERLOCK
Shh, shh, shh. His lips are moving.

CHOLMONDELEY
Guano…

WATSON
He’s dead Holmes.

MADISON
And his last word was… shit.

SHERLOCK
Yes, but he gave us the clue to the murderer’s identity.

MADISON
Harry?

SHERLOCK
Back to the Limehouse!

WATSON
Right behind you, Holmes!

MADISON
We’re just gonna leave the body… o-kay.

SCENE EIGHT

SHERLOCK
Ah, here we are. This must be the place.

MADISON
Where are we?

WATSON
Another opium den?

SHERLOCK
Yes. I believe that Harry Bartell refrained from smoking earlier on in the night in order to keep his faculties alert for murder.

MADISON
He didn’t smoke because I took the pipe from him.

SHERLOCK
A true addict would never have allowed you to take his pipe unless he were only pretending to smoke.

MADISON
No way. You’re talking first degree, premeditated murder! Harry would never do that!

SHERLOCK
Never? Are you sure?

MADISON
Well… he did try to throw me in front of a streetcar in San Francisco.

WATSON
Heavens!

MADISON
And there was that old lady he sorta strangled. But she had a heart condition, so it wasn’t all on him.

SHERLOCK
I think we can safely say murder is not out of the realm of possibilities with your Mr. Bartell.

WATSON
But why this opium den, Holmes?

SHERLOCK
Not having smoked earlier in the night, an enormous reaction would set in. He’d have to find a den at once and beyond question a different one from that in which the murder was committed.

MADISON
How do you know he’s at this one?

SHERLOCK
Well, just before you two returned to Baker Street tonight, I had a message from one of my Irregulars. He tracked Mr. Bartell here after he escaped from the scene of the stabbing.

WATSON
That was a couple of hours ago. He might have slipped away again.

SHERLOCK
No, Watson, tonight he came to drown his senses with the wretched drug. He’ll be here. Come on.

MADISON
You make “drown his senses” sound like a bad thing.

SCENE NINE

SHERLOCK
Surprising what a five pound note will do, isn’t it?

WATSON
Yes. The proprietor let us bring Mr. Bartell into this private room.

MADISON
You could’ve saved your money. That sicko spent the whole time you were talking looking at my legs.

SHERLOCK
I had intended on asking what became of the disguise I lent you, but I truly did not want to know the answer.

MADISON
Listen to him! Is Harry okay?

WATSON
That second injection of caffeine should bring him round. He’s heavily drugged, but I think it’ll work. Madison! What are you doing?

MADISON
I want an injection of caffeine, too. Why should Harry have all the fun?

SHERLOCK
You’ve already had several cups of my potent Turkish coffee.

MADISON
You call that amateur stuff “potent”? Please. My baby formula was half Red Bull.

HARRY
Oh…

SHERLOCK
Shh, shh, shh! He’s coming to.

HARRY
Who? Who… who are you? What… what do you want?

SHERLOCK
Remember me, sir? I’m Sherlock Holmes.

HARRY
Oh, yes. I… I remember you.

MADISON
And remember me? Madison?

HARRY
Ah!!

WATSON
He remembers you, all right.

SHERLOCK
You’re in serious trouble, Mr. Bartell. Very serious trouble.

HARRY
Trouble. What? What trouble?

SHERLOCK
Cholmondeley didn’t die.

MADISON
Yes, he did.

WATSON
Miss Standish, give me your arm.

MADISON
What? Ow!

SHERLOCK
That might stop her heart, you know, old fellow.

WATSON
I was intending on it stopping her mouth.

MADISON
Woo! Yes, sir! Wow! I am ah-wake!

HARRY
Cholmondeley? What about Cholmondeley?

SHERLOCK
He was badly wounded, but he is going to live. He’s at Baker Street now. He wants to go to the police and give evidence.

MADISON
Here’s some evidence for ya! Woo!

WATSON
For heaven’s sake! Put your skirts down!

HARRY
Mr. Holmes, you’ve got to get me outta this! Please! I’ll pay you anything!

SHERLOCK
Why did you stab Cholmondeley?

MADISON
Isn’t it obvious?! Cholmondeley was gonna get the poop and Harry wanted the poop!

WATSON
“Poop?”

SHERLOCK
Guano concession, Watson. Is that true, Mr. Bartell?

HARRY
I… I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to… But the knife…

WATSON
As neat a murder confession as ever I’d heard, Holmes.

SHERLOCK
Exactly. Come along, Mr. Bartell. I think some night air will be good for you. We’ll take you for a nice drive to Scotland Yard.

MADISON
Not a chance! C’mon, Harry! We’re outta here!

HARRY
Wait, what? Ahh!!

WATSON
Miss Standish!

MADISON
Later, suckers!!! Woo-hoo!! Caffeine!!!!

HARRY
Ahhh!!!!

WATSON
Holmes! What do we do? Chase them?

SHERLOCK
Hardly necessary, Watson.

WATSON
But they’re getting away!

SHERLOCK
Not at all.

WATSON
“Not at all?” Why, they just ran out the door!

SHERLOCK
Yes, old chap. And into… a closet.

SCENE TEN
ANNOUNCER
The two of them ran into a closet?

WATSON
Most assuredly! Miss Standish was out of her senses with the caffeine dose I’d given her, causing her to mistake the door we’d arrived through with that of the closet!

ANNOUNCER
Then what happened, Doctor? When Sherlock went to open the door?

WATSON
Well, that is a most peculiar thing. For you see, when Holmes opened the door, the two had utterly vanished!

ANNOUNCER
Vanished! Where could they have gone?

MADISON
You okay, Harry?

HARRY
I… I think so. What happened? Where are we? What’s that sound?

MADISON
Watson’s dogs. We’re on his back patio.

HARRY
Oh! Oh, my! Nice doggie! Uck! What is that smell?

MADISON
Dead seal. Man, did I get you outta there in the nick of time or what?

HARRY
But… how?

MADISON
The freaky deaky–

HARRY
–science stuff. Right. You’ve told me.

MADISON
So, I gotta ask, did you kill Cholmondeley?

HARRY
I had intended to that night. I didn’t smoke any of the opium so I would be alert for when he finally caught up with me. But when he arrived… he still got the upper hand.

MADISON
So he started it?

HARRY
I got his knife away from him and then…But I thought Sherlock said he didn’t die.

MADISON
He was bluffing.

HARRY
Oh.

MADISON
Okay, well, that sounds like self defense to me.

HARRY
It does? I mean, it, it was.

MADISON
I don’t see how you can be arrested for it. Sherlock’s case is purely circumstantial, anyway. You had motivation, sure, but any witnesses were all doped up and the guy runnin’ the place won’t talk to the cops or else his business would be shut down.

HARRY
I guess that’s all true.

MADISON
Sure it’s true. It’s what Sherlock said at the beginning when he thought Cholmondeley was gonna murder you. That an opium den was the perfect place for a murder.

HARRY
But I didn’t get the San Pedro guano concession. So I’ve lost my last chance with–

MADISON
Harry! To hell with “Petri Wines.”

HARRY
What?
MADISON
They put you in a position to be killed for poop, Harry! Poop!

HARRY
Yes… Well…

MADISON
“Yes, Well” nothing. C’mon, Harry.

HARRY
Where are we going?

MADISON
I don’t know about you, but I’m jonesin’ for another hit on that opium pipe.

HARRY
Madison…

MADISON
Oh, what? Suddenly you’re all “Johnny on the Wagon?”

HARRY
I’m going home, Madison. I have to be up early to read the want ads.

MADISON
Okay, well, see you same time next year!

HARRY
How lucky for me.

WATSON
… Of course Holmes deduced right away that the stabbing had been in self defense.

ANNOUNCER
Did you ever catch up with Miss Standish or Mr. Bartell?

WATSON
Sadly, no. And while Mr. Bartell was judged free and clear of murder charges, Holmes tells me that after this entire ordeal, Miss Standish is wanted by Scotland Yard for interfering in a police investigation by causing the disappearance of a person of interest.

ANNOUNCER
That sounds serious, Doctor.

WATSON
It most certainly is. Sherlock will be watching for her reappearance. Pity. Now who will I get to watch my dogs?

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” originally premiered in October of 1939. The radio show was called “The new adventures” to separate the stories from the original canon of the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stories. One noticeable difference between the tales was that the radio series actively avoided any mention of Sherlock, himself, being a drug user. Doyle did portray Sherlock as partaking in cocaine, which was in vogue for creatives of the time and even promoted by Sigmund Freud. Doyle, however, experienced his own father’s severe alcoholism which lead to his being committed into an insane asylum. This shaped Doyle’s opinion to align with Dr. Watson who professed that cocaine and opium were a destructive force to the human mind. The radio series, wanting to have a clean hero in a family friendly setting, did have episodes featuring Sherlock in disguise in opium dens, but he never inhaled.