MADISON ON THE AIR: THE SIX SHOOTER “THE CAPTURE OF STACY GAULT”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APRIL 2025

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
The man in the saddle is angular and long legged. His skin is sun dyed brown. The gun in his holster is gray steel and rainbow mother-of-pearl, its handle unmarked. People call them both, “The Six Shooter.” “Madison on the Air” presents a transcribed radio drama based on the life of Britt Ponset, the Texas Plainsman, who wandered through the Western territories leaving behind a trail of still remembered legends.

MADISON
Ahem?

ANNOUNCER
Oh, and, uh… Madison Standish, who wandered through old time radio shows leaving behind a lot of really annoyed people.

BRITT
I sure couldn’t figure it. I’d ridden down the whole of Main Street — all the way from Seth Tooley’s bank, to Ma Benson’s roomin’ house, and I hadn’t seen a single solitary person. The stores were closed up tight. There wasn’t even a wagon or a horse out in front of them. It looked like the town of Elk Point had just up and gone to sleep. But that didn’t make sense, either. Not at five o’clock in the afternoon. Whoa, Scar, whoa, boy. Well, Ma Benson would know what the trouble was. She always had a pretty good notion about everything that went on in Union County. Ya know, folks always used to say that’s why the Elk Point Gazette kept goin’ broke. Old Sadie Benson was too much competition.

MADISON
Who is it?

BRITT
Britt Ponset.

MADISON
Britt Pawn… star?

BRITT
Yeah, I mean, no. Say, is Ma Benson there?

MADISON
Ma! You know a Britt Pawn-star?

BRITT
Ponset! It’s Britt Ponset!

MADISON
Yeah, okay, Ma! How do we know it’s you?

BRITT
Well, tell Ma to come here and open up the door. That might be one way of findin’ out.

MADISON
Oh, suuuure. You’d just love for me to open the door so you could come in blasting away with your guns.

BRITT
Well, now, to be fair, I could blast away with my gun through the door. Wood doesn’t really stop bullets, ya know.

MADISON
Is that a threat?! Ma!!!

MA BENSON
Oh, for heaven’s sakes! That sounds like Britt, all right. Let ‘im in!

BRITT
Howdy, Miss. I’m Britt Ponset.

MADISON
You got some I.D.? Preferably one of those new “Real I.D.s” I know they’re thorough ‘cuz when I went for mine at the DMV, I had to give a blood sample and pee in a cup just to move to the second window.

BRITT
What’s this now?

MA BENSON
Oh, Britt! Thank goodness. Thank goodness! Well, don’t just stand there. Get inside, quick, so’s I can lock up again!

BRITT
Oh, sure, sure.

MA BENSON
You can’t imagine what a fright you gave me when I heard you knockin’ out there.

BRITT
Yeah. I could tell somethin’ was the matter. Now, who’s this young lady? I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure.

MADISON
Oh, you’d remember if you’d my pleasure.

MA BENSON
This here’s Madison Standish. She’s boardin’ with me, Britt. Oh, I must say, there ain’t nobody I’d rather see today than you.

BRITT
Well, that’s very flattering, Ma. What’s behind that?

MA BENSON
Oh, now stop joshin’ me, Britt! At a time like this when we all might be murdered any minute?

MADISON
You really think this skinny guy could be any sort of line of defense?

BRITT
Skinny? I– I’m angular and, and long legged!

MADISON
Yeah, and according to Sears, my brother is “husky.”

BRITT
What’s this about bein’ murdered?

MA BENSON
Stacy Gault is headed this way.

MADISON
And Stacy is a dude. Like, I know it’s a gender neutral name, but aside from Stacy Keach, seriously, can you name a single male Stacy?

BRITT
Gault?

MADISON
Besides the one she just said.

MA BENSON
Oh, now, Britt!

MADISON
Come to think of it, all the Britts I know are Brittneys. So girls. Except for Britt Reed in “The Green Hornet.” Was Britt, like, an old timey dude’s name or something?

BRITT
Well, I can’t say I’ve ever met a lady named, “Madison.”

MADISON
Ooo! Now there’s some return fire right there, Mr. Britt Pawn-star.

BRITT
For the umpteenth time, it’s Ponset.

MADISON
So you don’t know the Harrison family outta Vegas?

MA BENSON
Can we get back to the outlaw what’s loose here in Elk Point and ready to murder us all?!

BRITT
Sorry, Ma, sorry. You said, Stacy Gault? I hadn’t heard he was in these parts.

MADISON
I don’t even know how I managed to be “in these parts.” I mean, the Dakotas? It’s like I won a trip on a game show that has no budget. I’d rather take the parting gift of Rice-a-Roni.

MA BENSON
You hadn’t heard about Gault?

BRITT
No.

MA BENSON
Then what on Earth brought you to Elk Point?

MADISON
Seriously. You could literally be anywhere else.

BRITT
Oh, I was just passin’ through on my way to White River.

MADISON
White River? Where’s that?

BRITT
The Colorado territory.

MADISON
Colorado? Ooo, bad experience on the Coors Brewery tour. Think Augustus Gloop but instead of chocolate, beer. And instead of Oompa-Loompas, Colorado State Troopers.

MA BENSON
Whatever brought you here, Britt Ponset, you’re heaven sent! That’s what you are. Heaven sent.

MADISON
You fast with that gun in your holster?

MA BENSON
Fast? Why they call him, “The Six Shooter.”

BRITT
After the, uh, gun I carry.

MADISON
Then you can call me, “the iPhone sixteen.” Because I can destroy a man’s life in one social media post. Pew! Pew!

MA BENSON
Come on out in the kitchen, Britt, we’ll fill you in on the news.

BRITT
Sure.

MA BENSON
I was fixin’ a batch of cornbread. I had to do somethin’ to keep myself from thinkin’ about what might happen.

BRITT
You, uh, you helpin’ with the cookin’ there, Miss Standish?

MADISON
No. Not only do I not cook, but I come from Los Angeles. The possibility of getting murdered is just part of every day for women. So I live my life ignorantly assuming it’ll be somebody else.

MA BENSON
You can draw up that stool there if you like, Britt.

BRITT
Oh, thanks.

MA BENSON
Madison, hand me them eggs, will ya?

MADISON
I said I don’t cook!

BRITT
I got the eggs for ya, Ma. Here they are.

MA BENSON
Well, now, where do I begin?

MADISON
I dunno. Do you need one of those bread makers hipsters think makes them better than everybody else?

BRITT
I think Ma means where does she begin with the story about Gault.

MADISON
I’ll tell it! Stacy Gault robbed a Wells Fargo.

MA BENSON
No, no, no. The Fargo Station over at Fort Chaster.

MADISON
Isn’t that the same thing?

MA BENSON
No, dear. A Wells Fargo is a bank, and a Fargo Station is the depo where stagecoaches leave outta with the bank money.

MADISON
What does Wells Fargo gotta do with stagecoaches — OHMYGAWD! Their logo! I’d say I was “this many years old” when I realized that, but since I’m actually in the era of real stagecoaches, does that count?

BRITT
Look, both of you, I don’t see the concern here. Fort Chaster is two hundred miles away from Elk Point.

MA BENSON
Yeah it is, but that was ten days ago.

MADISON
Two weeks.

BRITT
Either way, I still don’t see–

MA BENSON
That’s why folks didn’t get too excited. Not then. We never figured he’d come this far west. He never had before. But last Monday he was in White River.

BRITT
Oh, that so?

MA BENSON
And he robbed the White River First National.

MADISON
That is a bank, right? Not some white water rafting company?

MA BENSON
Certainly was a bank! Got away with over fifty thousand dollars! Marshal Andrews — he’s the Marshal over there — trailed Gault but lost him.

MADISON
Is Marshal Dillon the only competent Old West marshal or what?

MA BENSON
The marshal followed Gault six or seven miles. There weren’t no doubt which way Gault was fixin’ to go.

BRITT
Hmm. I see.

MA BENSON
Oh, now where’d I put that ham?

MADISON
How do you lose a ham? Unless you haven’t slaughtered the pig yet and ew! Okay, this is why I don’t cook.

MA BENSON
Oh, it’s right here! I’m just distracted with all this talk of Stacy Gault.

BRITT
Well, now, none of this is really proof Gault is headin’ to Elk Point.

MADISON
Cool your jets! We’re not done with the story yet.

BRITT
Cool my… what?

MADISON
Tell him about that Ed dude.

MA BENSON
Just this mornin’, Ed Scott came barrelin’ into town. Ed seen Stacy Gault last night riding through the canyon!

BRITT
Ed saw Gault, huh? I thought you said Gault never been around Elk Point before.

MA BENSON
Well, there’s pictures of him ain’t there? On them wanted posters?

MADISON
Granted, the pictures aren’t photos, they’re drawings. Like police sketches. Police sketches are never flattering. Which is why I sued the LAPD for defamation because my forehead is not that big.

MA BENSON
Now, I know I’ve left something outta this batter. If I can only think of what.

BRITT
So, after Ed came into town, that’s when everybody took cover, huh?

MADISON
Had to after all the dudes left town in a lynch mob.

BRITT
Lynch mob?!

MA BENSON
Oh, my stars! Bakin’ powder! You know, when you use sweet milk, you gotta put in bakin’ powder or the bread just don’t raise up at all. Hand me the bakin’ powder, Britt. It’s in that cupboard right behind you.

BRITT
Uh, sure, Ma. But what about this lynch mob?

MA BENSON
Oh, she means “posse.”

MADISON
By the looks of them, an insane clown posse.

MA BENSON
On the second shelf. Little red can.

BRITT
Uh, this ‘n’ here?

MA BENSON
Thank ya, Britt.

BRITT
What about Sheriff Henry? It sounds like that’d be his job, wouldn’t it?

MA BENSON
Sheriff Henry’s deliverin’ a prisoner over to county jail at Junction City.

MADISON
And apparently he’s the only cop who works here? Was this town hit by DOGE cuts?

BRITT
And that’s why Main Street’s empty.

MA BENSON
What else was we to do without a single able-bodied man left to defend us?

MADISON
I never play the “helpless female” card, except for when I’m moving. Then I’m all, “I can’t lift that end of the sofa.” Because why sweat if I don’t have to?

MA BENSON
And of course, that gave Ed Scott his chance to take charge. He’s always been the pushin’ type, wantin’ to run everythin’. I guess he figures if he can capture Gault, it’ll be a real feather in his cap. Not to mention the ten thousand dollar reward the White River National is offerin’.

MADISON
Ten thousand dollars in an era when a full steak dinner is a quarter? That’ll definitely put him in a higher tax bracket. Maybe then he’ll work for DOGE.

BRITT
Yeah, that’s a lot of money, isn’t it?

MA BENSON
It sure is. Can you open the can for me, Britt?

BRITT
Oh, yeah, sure.

MADISON
I get guys to open cans for me, too. I spend way too much on manicures to chip them opening a stupid can.

MA BENSON
You’ll stay for supper, won’t you, Britt? In spite of this Gault business?

BRITT
Well, it would take more than Stacy Gault to talk me outta some of your cornbread. Gee whiz, I’d ride twenty miles just to get a whiff of it.

MADISON
I once drove twenty miles for one of those chi-chi cupcakes that were super popular for like, a minute? I think they thought cupcakes would take over the donut market. I’m sorry, but if you’re not gonna deep fry it, you’re not gonna last.

MA BENSON
Well, I’m glad you’re stayin’, Britt. Otherwise it’d just be me and Madison.

BRITT
You used to have plenty of boarders. More than you could take care of.

MA BENSON
I’ve still got my boarders, Britt, but they’re all out with Ed Scott’s posse.

BRITT
Oh, I see.

MA BENSON
I told you there ain’t a male between the ages of ten and sixty left in town besides you.

MADISON
It’s like the year my parents sent me to an all girl’s camp. I guess the rosaries and the habits and the vows of silence were supposed to be women-empowering, but…

SCENE TWO

BRITT

It was quite a supper. Baked ham with brown sugar drippin’ down the sides. Mashed potatoes, swimmin’ in gravy. Enough green lima beans to feed the whole population of Elk Point. And that cornbread, gee whiz, just light, yellow and fluffy with homemade maple syrup to pour over it. I tell ya, when I started eatin’ it, I figured I’d have a hard time makin’ a dent in the plate Ma put before me. Guess she figured a hungry man needs a big supper. Although, that Madison, well, I can’t explain it, but she kept pace with me through the entire meal. I don’t rightly recall any woman I’ve ever met who ate like that. She kept sayin’ it was her “cheat day” and for me to pass the potatoes.

MADISON
You hoarding potatoes like toilet paper in a pandemic or what? Pass ’em over!

BRITT
Now, hang on there, I’m movin’ as fast as I can.

MADISON
If this is how fast you are with a gun, you might wanna avoid any showdowns at high noon.

BRITT
You’d certainly outdraw me with a fork.

MA BENSON
You want some more ham, Britt? I can slice you off another piece.

BRITT
No, I’m fine, Ma, I’m fine. How ’bout you? You hardly touched any of your food. You’re not still worryin’ about Stacy Gault?

MADISON
Are you gonna finish that cornbread?

BRITT
Miss Standish here doesn’t appear to have any concerns.

MADISON
Corn bread.

BRITT
Or manners.

MA BENSON
Oh, I’m not worried. Not since you showed up. If he come into town now, you’d take care of him.

BRITT
Mmm-hmm. But I don’t imagine he’ll get past Ed Scott’s posse.

MA BENSON
Ha! Then you don’t know Ed Scott very good. Why, he’ll have that posse runnin’ around in circles. I bet you could drive a herd of cattle right through the middle of them men and they wouldn’t even notice.

MADISON
I could drive an entire herd of cattle through Texas by the time he hands me that cornbread.

BRITT
I’ve seen starvin’ dogs eat slower than you.

MA BENSON

BRITT
You want me to answer it?

MA BENSON
No, no. I’ll see who it is. You might keep your right hand free though, just in case.

MADISON
If your right hand is free…

BRITT
Here’s the cornbread.

MA BENSON
Uh, who– who’s there?

SETH
Who? It’s Seth Tooley!

MA BENSON
Seth!

MADISON
You know, that maple syrup isn’t gonna pass itself.

BRITT
You’re makin’ me miss trail grub.

SETH
Hey, there, Britt.

BRITT
Oh, hello, Seth.

MA BENSON
Seth says they ain’t caught Gault yet.

BRITT
That a fact?

SETH
Britt, he’s in Elk Point. Stacy Gault is in Elk Point!

MA BENSON
No!

SETH
Yes, he is. I saw him not five minutes ago ridin’ over the South Creek Bridge. He means to rob my bank. I know he does. That’s the only thing he could have come for!

MADISON
Seth, is it?

SETH
Uh, yes.

MADISON
Wanna pass that maple syrup on over here?

SETH
Oh, uh, sure.

BRITT
Well, Seth, you’ve got more than enough men to take care of Gault, haven’t you?

SETH
The posse’s still out combin’ the hills! Way out in the hills!

MADISON
Hey, Seth?

SETH
Uh-huh?

MADISON
Salt? Right by your elbow there.

SETH
Uh, sure.

MA BENSON
Seth! Why ain’t you still out with Ed’s posse?

SETH
Well, my rheumatism started actin’ up. It was painin’ me somethin’ terrible! I had to drop out and come back alone.

MA BENSON
That rheumatism of yours is sure a convenient sickness sometimes, Seth.

MADISON
O.M.G. That’s me and my period. You tell a male boss you’ve got cramps and you can clock out immediately, no questions asked.

SETH
Well, you all can be mighty thankful for my rheumatism tonight. Otherwise, Gault might’ve gone by unnoticed. We gotta move fast, Britt, before he reaches the bank. I brought my forty-four. I figured the two of us together–

BRITT
Now, just, uh, hold on, Seth. What makes you so sure the man you saw was Gault?

SETH
Oh, it’s gotta be him! Fits his description to a “T”! To a “T”!

MADISON
I saw the wanted poster. Could be anybody. To me the dude looks like Old West Kevin Bacon. Speaking of bacon, pass the ham, will ya?

BRITT
Pretty dark out there, you know, Seth.

MADISON
Seth! Ham!

BRITT
Maybe we outta take this conversation into the parlor so Miss Standish, here, can finish her supper.

MADISON
No! I usually watch TikTok videos while I eat. I need the entertainment. I don’t wanna be left alone with my thoughts.

MA BENSON
Well, now, who on Earth?

SETH
Don’t answer it, Ma! That might be Stacy Gault!

BRITT
Oh, now, why would Gault be comin’ here to Ma’s place?

MADISON
Her ham is really good. Actually, I’m a vegan, but realized I can eat meat in the past because that pig would be dead by the time I was born anyway, so it’s totally okay.

MA BENSON
Britt!

BRITT
I’ll see who it is.

SETH
Well, I– I’ll cover you, Britt, while you open the door. You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about. I’ll cover ya.

BRITT
Howdy.

STRANGER
The sign out front says “rooms.” I’m lookin’ for a place to stay.

SETH
It’s him! It’s him, Ma! It’s him!

MADISON
Well, there’s not gonna be any ham left, if that’s what he’s here for. Pass the gravy.

BRITT
Come on in.

STRANGER
Thank you.

SETH
Britt let ‘im inside!

MADISON
Seth! Gravy! Am I on my own here? I feel like I’m eating at Hometown Buffet. Ohhh… I miss their frozen yogurt bar. I could totes go for some fro-yo.

BRITT
Here, this is Ma Benson. This is her roomin’ house.

STRANGER
Evenin’, Ma’am.

MA BENSON
Uh, I… I’m sorry, I’m full up.

MADISON
And we’re outta ham.

STRANGER
Oh, that’s too bad.

MADISON
There’s still a lot of lima beans if you want some. I’m not wasting a cheat day on lima beans.

STRANGER
Thank you, Miss, but I’ve eaten. There any place else around I might stop over, Ma’am? I was only gonna be here one night.

MA BENSON
No! Uh, that is… not that I know of.

STRANGER
All right. I apologize for disturbin’ your supper.

MADISON
You can take the lima beans to go.

BRITT
Say, before you leave, Mister, uh… We don’t mean to be nosy or anythin’ like that, but would you mind tellin’ us what you’re doin’ here in Elk Point?

STRANGER
I got some business at the bank tomorrow.

SETH
The bank? Oh…

STRANGER
That’s right. What’re ya doin’ with that gun, Mister?

SETH
What? Oh!

MADISON
He’s an ancestor of Barney Fife.

STRANGER
Let me pick it up for ya.

SETH
No, no, no, no! Never mind! Just, just leave it there. Just leave it!

STRANGER
Layin’ on the floor?

SETH
Yeah, well, it ain’t loaded anyway.

MADISON
Sheriff Andy’s got his one bullet.

STRANGER
Man’s a fool to carry an unloaded gun. Say, uh, what time does the bank open up in the morning?

SETH
Uh… it… it ain’t open tomorrow! Tomorrow’s a holiday.

MADISON
It is? Ya know, all this zapping around, I keep missing so many holidays. I haven’t had green beer for Saint Patrick’s Day, I haven’t had a beer at a picnic for the Fourth of July, I haven’t had beer then gone out trick-or-treating wasted… Okay, it’s beer. I wanna beer.

STRANGER
Well, looks to me like the saloon and near the whole town is closed up tight. What holiday is it?

SETH
It– it’s kind of a special holiday just here in Elk Point.

STRANGER
Oh.

MADISON
We should celebrate with beer.

MA BENSON
You, uh, you came from White River, didn’t you, Mister?

STRANGER
That’s right. How did you–? Oh, you heard about me. That I was on my way, huh? News sure travels fast, don’t it?

MADISON
Not in this era. All you got is the telegraph. It’d be like if memes were shared by fax.

STRANGER
Well, if you haven’t got a vacant room, I’ll just–

BRITT
You, uh, you sure you can’t squeeze him in somewhere, Ma?

MA BENSON
Britt!

MADISON
Might as well stay in my room. You know how many boyfriends I’ve had with warrants out for them?

STRANGER
How’s that?

BRITT
How about it, Ma? Since some of your regulars won’t be back tonight anyway.

MA BENSON
Well, I guess I could find a place for him.

STRANGER
I’d appreciate it, Ma’am.

MA BENSON
Just, uh, just follow me upstairs and I’ll see what I can do. Madison? Why don’t you come with me.

BRITT
Sure. Might help her walk off that huge supper she just ate.

MADISON
Hey, this corset and the layers of petticoats cover up the fat better than a dozen pairs of spanks. I say, bring on dessert.

SCENE THREE

MA BENSON
You can have this room at the end of the hall.

MADISON
But it’s right next to my room!

STRANGER
Is that a problem?

MADISON
Uh… no. But I don’t have any valuables. Just some sentimental items like… money.

STRANGER
This’ll do nicely, Ma’am. Thank you again. It’s been a long day of travel, believe I’ll turn in now.

MA BENSON
Well… g’night then.

MADISON
Ma, can we talk about getting a lock for my door?

MA BENSON
Shush! We can watch what he’s doin’ through the keyhole!

MADISON
You watch your boarders through the keyholes?!

MA BENSON
‘A course! And, sweetheart, what you’re doin’ in your room alone… you should get yourself a husband for that.

MADISON
Why? I know how to do it right.

MA BENSON
Look! He’s openin’ up his satchel!

MADISON
Lemme see! Lemme see! OH… M… GEE… Look at all that cash! Maybe I should rob his room.

MA BENSON
He’s countin’ it! You see there? The bills got slips of paper fastened around ’em. And the printin’ on that paper says, “White River First National Bank!”

MADISON
Dang, woman! What prescription you got in those glasses that you can see that through a keyhole?

MA BENSON
This ain’t my first rodeo.

MADISON
And you probably mean that literally.

MA BENSON
Oh! And look there! Yellow leather gloves!

MADISON
Uck. They totally clash with his plaid shirt.

MA BENSON
No! Don’t you remember what it said on them wanted posters? Gault likes wearin’ yellow leather gloves.

MADISON
Were you looking at his wanted poster or his Tinder profile?

MA BENSON
We gotta tell Britt and Seth!

MADISON
Hang on. He’s taking off his shirt. Well, hello, cowboy.

MA BENSON
C’mon, Madison! We ain’t got no time to lose!

MADISON
I’m just gonna… be in my room. With my jacket hanging over the keyhole.

MA BENSON
Oh, Madison!

MADISON
Don’t yuck my yum.

SETH
Britt! You heard what he said about my bank! He was tellin’ us plain as day that he means to rob it! That’s the way Gault is. Everybody says, so. He comes right out and announces what he aims to do. That’s a fact!

BRITT
I didn’t hear him mention anythin’ about robbin’ you, Seth.

SETH
You didn’t?! How much plainer could he make it?

BRITT
Dang it. All she left me is the lima beans.

MA BENSON
Britt! Seth!

SETH
What is it, Ma?

MA BENSON
It’s Gault, all right!

BRITT
Now, hold on, Ma, hold on. Ya got some proof that he’s Gault?

MADISON
He’s got stacks of cash.

MA BENSON
Wrapped in them paper bands from the White River First National Bank!

SETH
You see, Britt! Oh, he’s gonna rob my bank for sure!

BRITT
He’s not robbin’ your bank, Seth.

SETH
What do you want me to do? Wait, till he tries it?!

MA BENSON
And I seen them yellow leather gloves!

SETH
The ones they say Gault always be wearin’?!

MA BENSON
Thems the ones!

MADISON
And he absolutely works out. Toned biceps, strong, broad shoulders and maybe not a six pack, but there’s some definition in those abs. I think I’m gonna go up to my room…

MA BENSON
Madison!

MADISON
Dammit, woman! I have a fantasy goin’ in my head here. I don’t wanna lose it.

SETH
What’re we gonna do? We gotta put ‘im in jail!

BRITT
Now, look, we’re not sheriffs or deputies and we can’t arrest somebody just on suspicion.

MA BENSON
Britt Ponset, I’ll never forgive you for this! Not if I live to be seventy!

MADISON
You’re not seventy? Girl, you gotta stay outta the sun.

MA BENSON
Leavin’ me at the mercy of a killer sleepin’ under my own roof! We’d have been better off if you’d never showed up in Elk Point at all!

BRITT
Now, listen, Ma–

MA BENSON
Seth, you gotta find Ed’s posse and bring ’em back here as soon as you can!

BRITT
The posse? Look, when Sheriff Henry comes back, he can arrest this fellow if he wants to. But without proof–

SETH
What more proof you need, Britt?! Him pullin’ a gun on us right here in the kitchen?!

MADISON
Ooo… I like that. I think I can keep that scenario goin’. What happens after he pulls that hot steel from his leather holster…

BRITT
Now, I think you all could be jumpin’ to conclusions.

SETH
We’ll see what Ed Scott and the posse has to say about it!

MA BENSON
Heaven sakes, hurry, Seth!

SETH
You’ll at least see that he don’t get away, won’t cha, Britt?

BRITT
Yeah, yeah. I’ll see to it.

MA BENSON
It’s the least he can do.

BRITT
Gee, I’m sorry if I got you into somethin’, Ma, but I… I just can’t believe for certain he’s Gault.

MA BENSON
Well, you best start believin’ it! Lord knows I won’t be sleepin’ any tonight!

MADISON
Afraid he might burst into your room, his cowboy hat pulled down over his eyes, his thick mustache holding back wet, luscious lips… OMG is cornbread an aphrodisiac?

SCENE FOUR

BRITT
Well, Ma cleared off the table and started on the dishes. I offered to dry, but she said she’d rather do ’em herself. So I went into the parlor to wait. Madison sat across the room from me. She was fidgetin’ somethin’ awful. Told me she was “frustrated” and asked me some questions that were, well, rather personal in nature about me and ladies I’d known. Thankfully, Ma came in and started her crochetin’. It was mighty quiet. So quiet I could hear the fella upstairs movin’ around and gettin’ ready for bed. At least that’s what I’d hoped he was doin’. His room was right over my head and when the bed springs gave out a little creek, I felt a bit better about that. And then about eleven o’clock the posse came ridin’ up. Must be them, Ma.

MA BENSON
It’s about time.

MADISON
A bunch of men in leather, their eyes squinted from hours of riding, a bit of stubble on their chins — no tellin’ the last time they saw civilization and a razor…

BRITT
Uh… maybe you ladies had better wait in the kitchen in case there’s any trouble.

MADISON
Maybe I want trouble.

MA BENSON
There won’t be no trouble now, thanks to Seth Tooley.

BRITT
Uh, yeah, well, still might be a good idea.

MA BENSON
Oh, all right, Britt. Come along, Madison.

MADISON
I wanna stay and meet the posse.

MA BENSON
Madison!

MADISON
Fine! You got any more of that cornbread?

SETH
He still here, Britt?

BRITT
Yeah, he’s asleep.

SETH
You know Britt Ponset, don’t cha, Ed?

ED
Yeah, sure. Now, here’s the plan. The rest of the boys have got the house surrounded.

SETH
Whole house surrounded, yup.

ED
Gault couldn’t get out no matter what happened.

BRITT
Uh-huh.

ED
All right now. The three of us will go upstairs. As soon as we get to his room, I’ll kick the door open and we all blaze away at the bed.

MADISON
Oh! I love it! Tell me more!

ED
Who the Sam Hill are you?

MADISON
Madison Standish. You wanna show me your gun?

BRITT
Now, now, now! Just hold on here a minute, Ed.

ED
What’s the matter, Britt?

MADISON
Seriously, back off, Britt! So… have you been riding all day? You need a massage?

ED
How’s that?

BRITT
Now, look, Ed, what you’re talkin’ about is cold-blooded murder.

MADISON
Ooo! Bad boy!

ED
I’m just givin’ Gault a dose of his own medicine.

MADISON
You wanna play doctor?

SETH
Britt, don’t tell me you still ain’t satisfied that he’s Gault.

BRITT
Maybe he is. That doesn’t matter. He’s entitled to a trial just like everybody else.

ED
Oh, use your head, Britt. If we try takin’ him alive, he’s bound to get one or two of us first.

MADISON
Danger! So sexy!

ED
Miss, why are you rubbin’ my shoulders?

BRITT
Now you all wait here. I’ll bring ’em down to you. And I want your word that he goes to jail in one piece.

ED
I can’t promise nothin’ like that. The boys outside are pretty mad about it.

MADISON
Ooo! How many boys?

BRITT
Well, maybe the boys would like to shoot it out with both Gault and me. Hmm?

SETH
Britt, you don’t mean that.

BRITT
What do you say, Ed?

ED
Well… all right, Britt. He goes to jail.

BRITT
Seth? How ’bout it?

SETH
Sure, sure. But if anythin’ happens to you, you got nobody but yourself to blame! Only yourself!

BRITT
All right, then.

ED
Miss! I don’t believe this is appropriate. I’m a married man.

MADISON
You are? Hang on, Britt! I’m coming with you!

BRITT
Aw, now, Miss Standish, I really ought to do this alone.

MADISON
I’m tired of doing it alone. C’mon, let’s go get the sexy outlaw!

BRITT
The upstairs hall was pitch dark. I moved along, quiet… quiet as I could. I was tryin’ to remember where the doors were. It’d been a couple of years since I’d stayed at Ma Benson’s.

MADISON
Why are you whispering?

BRITT
Uh… what?

MADISON
You’re doing a monologue, aren’t you? Why are you whispering? Unless you’re saying it out loud as a play-by-play of your actions which is just… weird.

BRITT
I’m tryin’ to build tension for the audience. Ya know, so they feel like they’re in the scene right along with me.

MADISON
But you’re doing it in past tense. So clearly it’s already happened.

BRITT
Well… uh…

MADISON
You’re taking too long, anyway.

BRITT
I hurried to keep up with her, when I hooked my leg on the hall table–

MADISON
Well, now he’s definitely awake.

BRITT
I swung the door open and brought up my gun.

STRANGER
Who, who’s there? What do you want?

BRITT
Stay where you are and don’t reach for anything.

STRANGER
What? Huh? What are you talkin’ about?

MADISON
Yeah… don’t move. The moon is glistening on your… bare chest.

STRANGER
What’s goin’ on here? Why are you two in my room?

MADISON
Hi. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced. I’m Madison Standish. Room next door.

BRITT
I think you better put your clothes on.

MADISON
No, no, no! I think you should stay… just like that.

STRANGER
What’s all this about? And what’s the gun for?

BRITT
Well, there’s some boys downstairs who want to talk to you.

STRANGER
To me?

BRITT
That’s right.

STRANGER
All right. But I don’t know anybody in these parts.

MADISON
And you’re not married, right?

STRANGER
Uh… no.

BRITT
Well, see, these boys know you. At least they think they do. They, uh, they claim you’re Stacy Gault.

STRANGER
Gault?

BRITT
That’s right.

MADISON
I’ve never been with a guy named “Stacy” before. Or Britt. If you guys are up for a three way.

STRANGER
That’s crazy. Plumb crazy!

BRITT
Uh… who? Me or her?

STRANGER
You. She’s… well… the words comin’ to mind shouldn’t be said in mixed company.

MADISON
That is so hot.

BRITT
Miss Standish, could you take your irons outta the fire for a few minutes while I get this sorted out? Hmm?

MADISON
I’ve waited this long.

BRITT
Now, Mister, why’s it such a crazy notion that you’re Gault?

STRANGER
Ain’t y’all heard? Gault’s in jail in White River. He was captured. Locked up the day before yesterday.

BRITT
You sure of that?

STRANGER
I ought to be, I captured him.

BRITT
You?

STRANGER
The proof’s right there in the satchel. If you’ll let me show you.

MADISON
I’ll open it and verify. You keep your gun on him. Mmm… yeah. Just like that.

BRITT
Mmm-hmm.

STRANGER
See there? Reward money from White River First National. They paid it to me yesterday.

MADISON
What about these yellow gloves? These soft… leather… yellow… gloves…

STRANGER
Marshal Andrews gave me Gault’s yellow gloves as a sort of memento of the occasion.

MADISON
I’ll just… Mmmm… Keep the gloves.

BRITT
Put the gloves back in the satchel, Miss Standish.

STRANGER
And look here, they gave me a letter of congratulations.

MADISON
I’ve gotten congratulations. And that was by a Sultan who had like, twenty wives.

BRITT
So, you captured Stacy Gault? Pardon me if I seem like I can’t believe it.

STRANGER
I know what you’re thinkin’. The whole thing was, well, it was kind of accidental. You see, I’m a drummer–

MADISON
I love musicians!

BRITT
He’s not a musician. He’s a, uh, merchant who travels around selling goods to folks.

MADISON
A traveling salesman? Not as sexy as a musician, more like the pizza delivery guy. I can work with that.

STRANGER
Yeah, well, on my travels I come across this cabin. I didn’t know it was Gault’s hide out. Looked like any other cabin to me. Figured there might be some kids living there, so I was gettin’ the samples when the door opened. I guess he thought the six shooter I was holdin’ was the real thing. Of course, it did look mighty genuine for an imitation. They sure make realistic lookin’ toys these days.

BRITT
And he, he didn’t try to shoot it out with you or anythin’?

STRANGER
No, no, no. All he said was, “Okay, you got the drop on me.” I didn’t know what he was talkin’ about, but I was too surprised to say so!

BRITT
How ’bout that.

STRANGER
Next thing I know, he handed me his gun and, well, it was about then Marshal Andrews come ridin’ up. Marshal was real nice about givin’ me all the credit. Wanna see the letter he writ?

BRITT
No, no, no. But you bring that down along with you, will you? I, uh, I want to see Ed Scott’s face when you show him that letter.

MADISON
That’s it? You guys are leaving? I’m gonna need to take a cold bath in one of those giant copper tubs. I can fill it with bubbles, get nice and soapy and use one of those scrub brushes to… Okay, that’s it! No more cornbread!

SCENE FIVE

BRITT
So, I took Amos — Amos Foster, that was his name — I took him downstairs. Ed and Seth were standin’ at the bottom coverin’ us with their guns. The letter from Marshal Andrews finally convinced them and they put their guns away and marched outside. And that was just about the unhappiest posse I ever saw. That is, until Miss Standish went runnin’ outside after them. Now… I can’t rightly say what transpired, but I do know that her room at Ma’s boardin’ house was empty that night. I haven’t crossed paths with Miss Standish in my travels since that day. But I suspect she’ll make some man mighty happy. Probably a good dozen men, but, well, that’s not for me to say.

EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Six Shooter” aired on NBC from September 1953 through June of 1954, only lasting one season and producing 39 episodes. Which in today’s terms, is like, 4 seasons of content. As entertainment in the mid 1950s moved from radio to television, casting James Stewart in the title role was part of a trend of using big name movie stars to attract audiences back to radio. At the time, Stewart’s post-war career was waning, and he jumped at the chance to play the quiet, soft spoken wanderer of the Old West. Eventually creator Frank Burt would bring the series to television but without Stewart, who’s film career now kept him too busy. The television series was renamed “The Restless Gun” and Britt Ponset was changed to Vint Bonner. That series ran two seasons also on NBC.