MADISON ON THE AIR: “SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS” LUX RADIO THEATER
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: NOV 2023
SCENE ONE
HOST
From North Hollywood, California, we present: “Madison on the Air!”
MADISON
Happy three year anniversary to us! I can’t believe we’re starting our fourth year. Thank you so much to everyone for your continued support. And a big thanks to our super talented roster of voice actors who have made these episodes come to life. And for our anniversary we’ve got another Lux Radio Theater movie!
HOST
Let’s dim the lights a little. Let’s sit down and shut our eyes, forget the world, and just imagine, as our curtain rises and we present: “Madison and the Seven Dwarfs.”
MADISON
O.M.G. I get to be a DISNEY PRINCESS!!!
HOST
In a far-off world long long ago/A kingdom built on a mountain high/Lifted its turrets flecked with gold/Into a sapphire sky.
MADISON
Excuse me, sorry. We’re not doing this whole episode in verse, are we?
HOST
It’s a fairy tale. Fairy tales are in verse.
MADISON
But the rhyming, though? That’s gonna get old fast.
HOST
Do you want me to read this copy or not?
MADISON
Well, maybe if it’s just to establish the mood.
HOST
Thank you. Land of Enchantment this domain/ But ruled by a queen, blackhearted, vain/ Jealous of her beauty and fearful lest there be/ Another in her realm to prove more beautiful than she.
MADISON
Because, ya know, the poetry is coming off like a bad greeting card your aunt would send you that you don’t even read but just look for the check in the envelope.
HOST
I promise, it’s almost over. Each evening in a secret hall/ She conjured up a spirit from the mirror on the wall. It’s done, all right?
MADISON
‘Kay.
HOST
The Queen might do some rhyming verse when she casts her spells. Is that okay with you?
MADISON
Geez. Mother Goose she’s not.
QUEEN
Slave in the magic mirror, come from the farthest space. Through wind and darkness I summon thee. Speak! Let me see thy face!
MIRROR
What wouldst thou know, my Queen?
QUEEN
Magic Mirror on the wall/ Who is the fairest one of all?
MIRROR
Famed is thy beauty, Majesty/ But hold, a lovely maid I see/ Rags cannot hide her gentle grace/ Alas, she is more fair than thee.
QUEEN
Reveal her name!
MIRROR
Lips red as the rose. Hair yellow as the sun. Skin white as the snow.
QUEEN
Madison!
MIRROR
Your own stepdaughter, and the princess of this realm.
QUEEN
Where is this fair one now?
MIRROR
In her tattered clothes by the wishing well, She sings with the voice of a silver bell.
MADISON
I’m wishing — I’m wishing. For the one I love to find me — to find me!
MIRROR
Okay, a tarnished silver bell.
QUEEN
She is the most fair?
MIRROR
Well… not vocally. If you want to be known as having the fairest voice in the land, I can give you that one.
QUEEN
No. You know I’m all about looks.
MIRROR
Then… maybe not wear that cowl? I mean, half of Madison’s appeal is her hair.
QUEEN
Hair!!! You know with all the rainstorms my evil conjures, I get… frizzy.
SCENE TWO
MADISON
Finally become a princess and my stupid stepmother’s got me scrubbing the courtyard steps. Great. She’s doing evil again which always makes it rain. So I scrubbed the steps for nothing. Don’t you dare poop on my clean steps, bird! Please. I’ve seen you birds bathing in the wishing well. This is our drinking water, ya know. What did you just drop in there?! I’m wishing — I’m wishing — for indoor plumbing — for indoor plumbing.
PRINCE
Hello, there!
MADISON
Jesus! There goes the bucket down the well. Thank you so very much.
PRINCE
Did I frighten you?
MADISON
You just snuck up on me in a walled off courtyard with no public access. What do you think?
PRINCE
I apologize. But I saw you working there and knew I had to speak with you.
MADISON
Yeah. That’s what creepy stalker-serial killers do. Guards!!
PRINCE
No, please! I’ve ridden far, hoping for the day when I’d find one as fair as you!
MADISON
You got some identification in those tights?
PRINCE
I– I am a prince of another land!
MADISON
Yeah? Which land?
PRINCE
I… um–
MADISON
Nice try. Guards!!
PRINCE
Now that I’ve found you, here’s what I have to say–
MADISON
You know what I have to say? “Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.” Guards!!!
PRINCE
One song, I have only for you!
GUARD
You called, Princess?
MADISON
He went that way.
PRINCE
One heart tenderly beating!
GUARD
Fire arrows, men!
PRINCE
Ah! One love that has possessed me! One love thrilling me through!
GUARD
Release the hounds!
PRINCE
Ah!!! One song, my heart keeps singing of one love, only for youuuuuu!!!!
MADISON
Gentlemen, there is a right way and a wrong way to approach a woman you don’t know. That was the wrong way.
SCENE THREE
QUEEN
You understand my wishes in this matter, Master Huntsman?
HUNTSMAN
I do, Your Majesty.
QUEEN
Tomorrow as the shadows fall at dusk, take her far into the forest. Find some secluded glade where she can pick wildflowers.
HUNTSMAN
Yes, Your Majesty.
QUEEN
And there, my faithful Huntsman, you will kill her!
HUNTSMAN
Kill her?!
MADISON
Kill who?
QUEEN
Madison! What are you doing in here? This… this is–
MADISON
Your “secret hall.” Shah. Everyone knows about your “secret hall.” Maybe try a little less yelling and thunder when you do evil so
the entire castle doesn’t hear it?
QUEEN
Huntsman, perhaps you need not wait to fulfill your duties.
MADISON
Ooo! Is that the magic mirror? How does it work? You just talk to it, right? “Mirror, mirror, on the wall–”
QUEEN
Get away from that!
MIRROR
Who summoned me?
QUEEN
No one. Go back to bed.
MADISON
Dude!!! It really works!
MIRROR
Your Majesty, what is going on?
MADISON
Oh, wait! This is the mirror that’s constantly telling you you aren’t pretty enough. Girl, you are pretty. Even with that weird- ass headgear goin’ on.
MIRROR
I tried to tell her to wear her hair down.
MADISON
The look does highlight her cheekbones.
QUEEN
Enough of this!
MADISON
Queen– or, stepmom. No real backstory on my parents, huh?
QUEEN
Get out of here!
MADISON
What I’m trying to say is, every woman looks into their mirror and feels inadequate. It’s about self-esteem and loving yourself.
QUEEN
Loving myself?
MADISON
Yeah. You are really hot. Ya know, for your age.
QUEEN
For. My. Age?!?!
MIRROR
You better run.
MADISON
It was a compliment!!!!
QUEEN
Huntsman! Kill Madison and bring me back her heart!!!
HUNTSMAN
Yes, Your Majesty.
MIRROR
Her heart? Isn’t that a little dark for a kid’s movie?
QUEEN
Yes. Don’t you miss when “G” rated movies could still give children nightmares?
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
Uck! All this walking in the woods! Why couldn’t that huntsman just kill me instead of letting me go? What a wuss. If I were the Queen, I’d totes fire him. So now what do I do? I have no survival skills. I’m a princess. The only thing I’m trained to do is marry a prince. Oh, you again, huh? Come to knock me when I’m down? Back off or so help me, I will find your nest and make breakfast out of your unborn children! Don’t you give me attitude, chipmunk. My cat catches rodents like you for fun. I see you, you little baby deer. Keep your distance. Disney’s releasing “Bambi” soon and he’s got a hunter’s bullet with your mom’s name on it. Why do the woods have to be filled with so many damn woodland creatures? Okay, where was I? “I am all alone. Won’t anyone help me?” Uck. Fine. I’ll just keep walking.
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
Man. Our castle must’ve been built in the middle of no where. Not a single farm, nothing. We’re royalty. Where are all the peasants we’re taxing into poverty to sustain our lavish lifestyle? Finally! A cottage. Hello! Anyone home? It’s your princess! A rare treat for you to be in my presence! Huh. No one’s home, but the door’s unlocked. I do not understand people in these podunk towns who don’t lock their doors. Then someone comes in and murders a family of five and suddenly everybody’s like, “But in our town we never had to lock our doors.” Yeah, well, obviously ya did. O.M.G. is this place a sty. Everything’s covered with dust. Cobwebs, dirty dishes, old socks layin’ around. Ick. Maybe I’m better off staying outside. Uck! Another storm?! That woman is so evil. I wonder if whoever lives here would be cool if I stayed. I probably should earn my keep somehow. Hmmm… I’m not really a “break into somebody’s house and clean it” type. More of a Goldilocks, “break in, steal food, pass out on their bed” type. Speaking of which. I bet the bedroom is up those stairs. Okay, I saw the little chairs downstairs but these little beds are ridiculous. Whatever sloppy hipsters live here, they took the “Tiny House” concept a tad too far. I’ll just push these three together. There. Aw, man. These sheets are disgusting. It’s like going home with a guy you just met at a bar who clearly wasn’t expecting to get lucky that night. Dudes, right now, wash your sheets.
SCENE SIX
GRUMPY
Shut up, all of ya!
HAPPY
Aw, Grumpy! What’s the matter?
DOC
Don’t you like the gong? Er… song?
GRUMPY
Maybe, Doc, I just don’t like to whistle!
HAPPY
Not even a song that glorifies backbreaking mindless work?
DOC
Sure! To teach children they should accept their position in the world as a cog in the capitalist machine!
HAPPY
And be happy about it!
GRUMPY
You’re happy about everything. Happy.
HAPPY
And you’re grumpy about everything. Grumpy!
GRUMPY
You better watch your back in that mine. Cave-ins can happen, ya know.
BASHFUL
Uh… er… um… fellas?
GRUMPY
What is it, Bashful? Spit it out!
BASHFUL
Uh… er… our… our… uh… house.
GRUMPY
What about it?
DOC
The lit’s light– Er, light’s lit–
BASHFUL
And… uh… the door’s open…
SLEEPY
Something’s in there. I’m really scared.
GRUMPY
Why, Sleepy? You afraid it’s gonna keep you awake?
HAPPY
Maybe it’s a ghost!
BASHFUL
Or a goblin!
DOC
A demon!
SNEEZY
Or a dragon that breathe’s fu– fu–fu– Fire.
GRUMPY
One of us needs to go in there and face the dragon-demon-goblin- ghost.
ALL DWARFS
Dopey!
DOC
It’s okay, Dopey! We’re right behind you!
HAPPY
Nothing looks out of order.
SNEEZY
Just as dusty as we left it.
GRUMPY
Dopey, try upstairs!
DOC
Open the door, Dopey!
GRUMPY
Go on, go on. Open the door! And stop shakin’ like that!
DOC
Look! Over there!
SNEEZY
Gee, what ah– ah– ah– Monster!
ALL DWARFS
Shh!!
HAPPY
It’s asleep.
SLEEPY
Lucky.
BASHFUL
It– It covers three beds.
DOC
Let’s kill it before it wakes up.
ALL DWARFS
Yeah! Kill it!
MADISON
Kill who?
DOC
Heigh-ho!
MADISON
Hi-shorty.
ALL DWARFS
Ahhh!!!
SNEEZY
Look out!
HAPPY
It’s awake!
SLEEPY
Aw, that’s too bad.
BASHFUL
What do we do?!
DOC
Hide!
MADISON
Little dudes, I know you’re there. Even if I can’t see you, there’s a distinct odor of sweat and… mildew?
HAPPY
From the caves!
BASHFUL
We’re all miners.
MADISON
Minors? I mean, you’re short, but those beards make you look way older.
DOC
Not “minors,” “minors.” Er, I mean “miners.”
MADISON
Glad we cleared that up.
GRUMPY
She’s a female! And all females is poison! They’re full of wicked wiles!
BASHFUL
What are… “wicked wiles”?
GRUMPY
I don’t know, but I’m agin ’em.
MADISON
Oh, great. I just woke up in a room full of tiny little male chauvinists.
GRUMPY
Who are you, girlie?! And what’re you doin’ in our house?
MADISON
I could ask you the same thing!
DOC
Who are we and what are we doing in our house?
SNEEZY
We’re the seh– seh– seh– Seven Dwarfs.
MADISON
Ooo. I don’t think “dwarfs” is politically correct. Let’s go with the Seven Little People.
GRUMPY
But we are Dwarfs!
DOC
Yes! Yes! That’s what we are.
MADISON
Oh! The Seven Dwarfs! Right! Hang on, hang on, I think I remember all of your names! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen–
BASHFUL
Uh… pardon me? But I… um…
MADISON
No wait, I got it. Comet, Cupid–
BASHFUL
I just mean that–
MADISON
Donner, Blitzen!
HAPPY
Those are the eight tiny reindeer.
DOC
We’re the Seven Dwarfs!
GRUMPY
Stupid female.
MADISON
Hey, watch it. I got a good two feet on you, shorty, and could totally mess you up.
GRUMPY
Yeah? I’d like to see you try!
DOC
Oh, don’t you mind Grumpy. He can’t help but be grumpy.
HAPPY
That’s why he’s called Grumpy!
MADISON
I’d like a free pass like that. Call me “Selfish-Bitch” so I can say and do whatever I want.
SLEEPY
Is that your name? Because you did break into our house and help yourself to our warm and comfy beds.
MADISON
Who are you? “Stoner”?
SNEEZY
It would be nice to know your na– na– na– Name.
MADISON
And I assume your name is “Seasonal Allergies.”
DOC
Pardon me, but, um, I’m Doc and–
MADISON
You’re a doctor? Why don’t you prescribe the poor guy some Benadryl? What’s with the dude with a bell around his neck?
HAPPY
This is Dopey. He don’t talk none.
MADISON
You mean he can’t talk?
HAPPY
He don’t know. He never tried!
MADISON
Oh. So we have a character that doesn’t talk. That sounds ideal for an audio-only storytelling format.
DOC
That’s why he wears a cowbell.
MADISON
Yeah, well, ya know, when I think “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” I always think “needs more cowbell.”
GRUMPY
So, who are you?
HAPPY
She said her name is Selfish-Bitch.
MADISON
Not a name, just a descriptor. I’m Madison. ‘Sup.
ALL DWARFS
Madison!
MADISON
Yeah.
ALL DWARFS
The princess?!
MADISON
Yeah.
DOC
Well, my dear Quincess– Uh, Princess. We’re, uh– We’re honored! Yes, we’re, uh– We’re–
GRUMPY
Mad as hornets!
DOC
Mad as hornets! No, we’re not! What was I sayin’?
GRUMPY
Aw, shut up and tell her to git out!
MADISON
You wanna step outside?!
GRUMPY
No! I want you to step outside, of my house!
BASHFUL
But, Grumpy! She’s… she’s the princess!
MADISON
Yeah. Thank you, uh, I’m gonna guess your name is “Low Self-Esteem”?
HAPPY
I’m Happy!
MADISON
Good for you. I’ll have what he’s smoking.
DOC
Is there a, season, er, reason you’re in our house, Princess?
MADISON
Yeah. Queen’s gonna kill me.
ALL DWARFS
The Queen?!
GRUMPY
She’s an old witch! I’m warnin’ ya! If the Queen finds her here, she’ll swoop down and wreak her vengeance on us!
MADISON
That sounds about right. I mean, if she’s willing to kill a high profile member of the royal family, a bunch of nobody dwarfs getting in her way would just be collateral damage. But she doesn’t know where I am. And I’m sure she won’t find me here.
GRUMPY
How do you know that? She knows everything! She’s full of black magic!
MADISON
Yeah, okay, point, but c’mon, you guys! I’ve got no where else to go! Let me stay!
BASHFUL
If you stay… could you cook for us?
HAPPY
Oh, yes! And clean our dishes?
SLEEPY
Make our beds?
SNEEZY
And du– and du– and– Dust?
MADISON
Eh… I’m really not about manual labor.
DOC
You know, it goes by faster if you just whistle while you work.
HAPPY
Yes! It won’t take long when there’s a song–
MADISON
Look, I didn’t become a Disney Princess to scrub Dwarf toilets, okay? Can’t I just pay you for room and board?
DOC
We work in a mine where we collect valuable jewels every day.
MADISON
So?
GRUMPY
So, we don’t need money. We need a maid.
MADISON
So, housekeeping or… death?
ALL DWARFS
Yup!
MADISON
Well, guys, thanks for the use of the bed. Beds.
DOC
You’re sleeving? Er… leaving?
GRUMPY
Heh! Good riddance.
MADISON
I’ll camp out in the woods. Homeless do it under freeway bridges. How bad could it be?
HAPPY
What about the ghosts?
BASHFUL
The– the goblins!
DOC
The demons!
SNEEZY
And the dragons that breathe– breathe– breathe– Fire.
MADISON
Wait, what? Ghosts, goblins… dragons? I thought the most I’d have to deal with were chipmunks and maybe some guy needin’ a fix.
HAPPY
But it’s an enchanted forest.
MADISON
Good point. I don’t exactly run into Dwarfs in a state park.
DOC
I think we should let her stay. All those in favor!
ALL DWARFS
Aye!
DOC
Opposed?
GRUMPY
Nay!
DOC
Then it’s passed, Madison can stay!
GRUMPY
It’s a mistake, I tells ya!
MADISON
Are you and me gonna have a problem?
HOST
So ends the first act of “Madison and the Seven Dwarfs.”
MADISON
In a minute, it might be six dwarfs.
GRUMPY
I ain’t afraid of you!
HOST
We’ll, um, return after a brief intermission.
BREAK
SCENE SEVEN
HOST
Madison and the Seven Dwarfs are ready to go on with their story. In our far-off world long long ago/ Our princess fair with skin like snow/ Was kindly and nicely taken in/ By seven little gentlemen.
MADISON
I mean, you hear how bad this poetry is, right?
HOST
I’m not paid to write it, I’m paid to read it.
MADISON
Wait, you’re gettin’ paid?
HOST
Saved from the fate of the wicked Queen/But ne’er before such evil was seen/And while time was spent with the Dwarfs she met/ From the Queen she ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
QUEEN
Ah-ha! Midnight! Now, Magic Mirror, come and speak to me the truth!
MIRROR
Must you always conjure evil at such late hours?
QUEEN
Who’s ever heard of conjuring evil in the middle of the day? Hmm? I suppose I should conjure evil then have a nice afternoon tea?
MIRROR
Point taken. What wouldst thou know, my Queen?
QUEEN
Magic mirror on the wall/ Who now is the fairest one of all?
MIRROR
Over the Seven Jeweled Hills/ Beyond the Seventh Fall/ In the cottage of the Seven Dwarfs/ Dwells Madison, fairest one of all.
QUEEN
Madison?! How can this be?
MIRROR
Hey, I just calls ’em like I sees ’em.
QUEEN
But Madison lies dead in the forest! The Huntsman has brought me proof. Behold, her heart!
MIRROR
Madison still lives, the fairest in the land. ‘Tis the heart of a pig you hold in your hand.
QUEEN
The heart of a pig?!
MIRROR
Don’t throw it away. Pig hearts are actually very nutritious. Here, let me pull up some recipes for you.
QUEEN
This is not funny.
MIRROR
Mmm… it is a little.
QUEEN
Then I’ve been tricked! That blundering huntsman!
MIRROR
If you want loyal staff, you might consider treating them better.
QUEEN
They get paid a fair wage.
MIRROR
Not a living wage.
QUEEN
They’re still alive aren’t they?
MIRROR
While you reap the wealth from their hard work.
QUEEN
All right, I’ve had just about enough out of you, Mirror. Keep it up and I’ll banish you into a disco ball.
MIRROR
You insist you want me to tell you the truth, but you really can’t handle it, can you?
QUEEN
If I can’t trust my servants to kill Madison, I’ll have to do it myself. I’ll go the dwarfs’ cottage in a disguise so complete, no one will ever suspect! I’ll transform my beauty into ugliness!
MIRROR
Well, if you can do that, why don’t you just transform yourself into someone prettier than Madison?
QUEEN
Then I wouldn’t have the fun of killing Madison.
MIRROR
Fair enough.
QUEEN
Let’s see… a peddler’s cloak in place of my royal gown… My face wrinkled with age… my hair white… my voice… My voice! Cracked and old! Yes! The perfect disguise!
MIRROR
Perfect disguise if you want to scare the daylights out of her.
QUEEN/WITCH
What do you mean?!
MIRROR
She’s not gonna recognize you, but she’s also not gonna let you get within thirty feet of her.
QUEEN/WITCH
Oh, what do you know! Now, a special sort of death for one so fair. What shall it be?
MIRROR
Have you ever thought of just… sending Madison to live in some other land? Then you’d be the fairest in this land, and maybe I could get some sleep?
QUEEN/WITCH
Sleeping Death! Yes! The perfect spell!
MIRROR
That’s not what I said.
QUEEN/WITCH
A Poisoned Apple! One taste of the Poisoned Apple and the victim’s eyes will close forever — in the Sleeping Death.
MIRROR
You really have some psychological problems.
QUEEN/WITCH
I like to think of it as “passionate about my work.” There! The Poisoned Apple!
MIRROR
Does the spell have an antidote?
QUEEN/WITCH
“Does the spell have an antidote”? Yes, of course it does. All spells have antidotes.
MIRROR
Well, what is it?
QUEEN/WITCH
Uh… Antidote, antidote… Here we are: “The Victim of the Sleeping Death can be revived only by Love’s First Kiss.” “Love’s First Kiss”! No fear of that! The dwarfs will think she’s dead! She’ll be buried alive!
MIRROR
You’re certainly the evilest one of all.
QUEEN/WITCH
Men always say that about women in power.
SCENE EIGHT
DOC
Now, don’t forget, my dear.
MADISON
Don’t forget what?
DOC
The old Queen’s a sly one. She’s full of witchcraft. So beware of strangers.
MADISON
Wait… where are you guys going?
GRUMPY
To work! We all have jobs! We don’t just sleep all day!
SLEEPY
That actually sounds really nice.
HAPPY
But we love our jobs in the mine!
SNEEZY
Although the air quality could be better.
MADISON
Oh, right. The dwarf stereotype about being obsessed with wealth and digging for jewels in mines.
GRUMPY
Stereotype?!
MADISON
Yeah. “Dungeons and Dragons”, “Lord of the Rings”. Pretty baseline Dwarf stuff.
GRUMPY
“Baseline” huh? You want the receiving end of my pick axe?
DOC
Now, now, Grumpy! She is our guest.
BASHFUL
And a princess!
GRUMPY
Bah! Stupid female. What does she know?
MADISON
Are there any female dwarfs?
BASHFUL
Females?! Oh… my!
MADISON
You’re like smurfs, aren’t you? All dudes living together, named after your most dominant and stereotypical trait… and I’m the blonde living with you. I’m Smurfette!
DOC
We… er… really should be getting to walk– er, work!
MADISON
What is Dopey saying?
DOC
He… um… wants…
MADISON
Wants what?
SNEEZY
A– ah– ah– ah– Kiss.
HAPPY
We all would!
GRUMPY
Aw! What is wrong with you fellas? Wicked womanly wiles. I tol’ ya!
MADISON
Yeah… I’m gonna go with Grumpy on this one. I’m not about kissing a bunch of strange men. Outside of a frat house party with a beer bong challenge.
SLEEPY
Well… try to stay alert today.
BASHFUL
And be awful careful, ’cause if anything should ever happen to you–
GRUMPY
Let’s get goin’ already!
DOC
Remember, Madison! Be safe! Make smart choices!
MADISON
“Smart choices”? Why should I start now?
SCENE NINE
MADISON
Get away from the window! Those birds are a menace. I feel like I’m in a Hitchcock movie in here. Dammit! Well, one less dish to clean. Hmmm… Seven less dishes to clean! Realistically, I was doing a lousy job of washing them anyway. Yeah?! What?! Persistent. Must be a church group. I’m coming! Hold your Jesus! What do you want?
QUEEN/WITCH
Good day, my pet.
MADISON
Whoa! I’m guessin’ you’re not sellin’ moisturizer.
QUEEN/WITCH
Uh… yes, my appearance. I am old and ugly, while you are young and fair.
MADISON
Thanks for that walk down obvious lane. Did you need somethin’? Because I’m in the middle of–
QUEEN/WITCH
All alone? The little, er, men are not here?
MADISON
You a friend of theirs or somethin’?
QUEEN/WITCH
Yes! Indeed. I bring them fresh fruit… like these apples.
MADISON
Well, they’re not here so–
QUEEN/WITCH
Wait a moment! Uh… What an alluring smell! Are you making pies?
MADISON
No! And you might want to get your nose checked. The only smell comin’ outta this cottage is sweaty dwarf junk.
QUEEN/WITCH
Well… if you were to make a pie–
MADISON
I won’t.
QUEEN/WITCH
But if you were–
MADISON
I won’t.
QUEEN/WITCH
My apples would make the tastiest pies around! Try one!
MADISON
Eh… no, thanks. I’m good.
QUEEN/WITCH
Just one bite?
MADISON
Look, I’ve tried to be nice. Because I know gross looking old people were young and hot once and that their faces just fell on hard times. But I’m shuttin’ the door now.
QUEEN/WITCH
But, wait, I– Curses! Wretched girl. She’s more clever than I anticipated. Mirror! Mirror! Come to me from your sleep!
MIRROR
I cannot believe you put me into a mirror in a makeup compact! I’m allergic to the powder.
QUEEN/WITCH
She was fooled by my disguise, but refused to eat my apple!
MIRROR
I told you it wouldn’t work!
QUEEN/WITCH
What would entice her, if not a red, juicy apple?
MIRROR
Do you even know your stepdaughter?
QUEEN/WITCH
What do you mean?
MIRROR
Why do I bother? If it were me, I’d try this…
SCENE TEN
MADISON
Yeah?! What?! How am I supposed to get all of these dishes broken if people keep interrupting me?! What do you want?! Uh… hel-lo.
BRAD
Are you Madison?
MADISON
Uh-huh.
BRAD
My name’s Brad. I’m a barista from a nearby coffee shop.
MADISON
There’s a coffee shop in the woods?
BRAD
Yes. And I’m a barista there. May I come in?
MADISON
Sure! Someday my prince will… come.
BRAD
Did you say something?
MADISON
Um… what brings you around here, Brad the Barista?
BRAD
Here. I brought you a mocha latte.
MADISON
You brought me a… a… mocha latte?!
BRAD
I understand they are your favorite. Please. Take a sip.
MADISON
Marry me.
BRAD
Pardon?
MADISON
Nothing.
BRAD
You know… this is a “wishing” latte.
MADISON
“Wishing” latte?
BRAD
Wish for something, anything you like, then take a sip, and all your dreams’ll come true.
MADISON
What if they already came true?
BRAD
Make a wish and take a sip.
MADISON
Okay. I wish…
BRAD
Go on…
MADISON
I wish…
BRAD
Say it!
MADISON
I wish for you and me to go upstairs and– …until it’s raw.
QUEEN/WITCH
My word! What is wrong with this girl?
MADISON
Come on! Every fairy tale is supposed to have a… happy ending.
QUEEN/WITCH
You’re more depraved than I am!
MADISON
Brad, what’s wrong with your voice?
QUEEN/WITCH
Uh…
BRAD
You’ve made your wish. Now, take a sip.
MADISON
O.M.G… it’s… it’s been sooo long since I’ve had a real mocha latte! Feels like at least… three years!
QUEEN/WITCH
Her breath will still.
MADISON
It’s… affecting me weird.
QUEEN/WITCH
Her blood congeal!
MADISON
Have I become a coffee light-weight?
QUEEN/WITCH
The Sleeping Death! Heh-heh! She cannot stand!
MADISON
So, Brad, you fulfilling that wish or what?
QUEEN/WITCH
Why haven’t you fallen down?! You just drank an entire coffee full of poison!
MADISON
Espresso is not poison! Sure, the extensive and continuous consumption of such high levels of caffeine will destroy your heart and tear out your stomach lining, but that’s over a lifetime. I plan to switch to decaf before any real damage.
QUEEN/WITCH
But… but… the poison!
MADISON
Look, Brad, I got stuff to do. So if we aren’t happening, you gotta go.
QUEEN/WITCH
But!– Since when did it become so hard to kill a princess? This modern generation. I blame social media.
SCENE ELEVEN
DOC
Madison! Madison! Home from work we are!
BASHFUL
Do… do you think she’s left?
GRUMPY
We should be so lucky.
HAPPY
Hey, look! All of our dishes are smashed up in the sink!
SNEEZY
It’s the wuh– wuh– wuh– Wicked Queen!
DOC
I don’t think so. I think Madison is just really bad at housework.
BASHFUL
Then… where is she?
SLEEPY
If I were her, I’d be taking a nap.
DOC
I think you’re right, Dopey.
ALL DWARFS
Upstairs!
GRUMPY
Yup. There she is. Dead to the world.
BASHFUL
Did you say… dead?!
ALL DWARFS
The Queen!
HAPPY
Golly, Doc. Is she… is she really?
DOC
I’m afraid so, Happy.
HAPPY
Oh… I don’t like feeling sad. That goes against my nature.
SNEEZY
Are you… laughing, Grumpy?
HAPPY
Is that laughing? He sounds like he’s having a seizure.
GRUMPY
I can’t help it…
DOC
Oh my bird! Er, word! You’re happy!
GRUMPY
So this is what it feels like?
HAPPY
This is in very poor taste.
DOC
C’mon, fellas. Let’s dispose of the body.
SCENE TWELVE
MUSIC: SOLUMN FAIRY TALE MUSIC
HOST
And so the seven little men/Hearts with sorrow filled/ All right, six little men/Hearts with sorrow filled–And one nasty little bugger
Who brings new meaning to the word “narcissist”/ Did lay out upon the glen/ A case of glass they all did build/ In which dear Madison/
Could sleep forever and come-back-to-this-line-and-make-it-rhyme. Oh, great. I didn’t download the latest draft. Eh, who cares. It’s almost over.
DOC
Well, there she is, men. Don’t she look pretty?
HAPPY
Just like she wasn’t dead at all. I — I can’t think of buryin’ her.
DOC
No, we won’t bury her. With this glass and gold coffin we built, we’ll stay with her forever more.
BASHFUL
And we’ll keep flowers around it all the time.
SNEEZY
Please– No goldenrod!
PRINCE
One song, I have but one song, I can’t remember any more of the lyrics to this one song–
DOC
Listen, men! Somebody’s coming this way.
SNEEZY
Ridin’ a horse.
BASHFUL
Why, he– he’s a prince!
DOC
A prince?
HAPPY
Sure! Look at his clothes. He’s a prince, all right!
PRINCE
Good morning.
ALL DWARFS
Good morning, Your Highness.
PRINCE
Is there something wrong? There are tears in your eyes.
DOC
Madison is dead, and there she lies.
PRINCE
Madison is dead?
DOC
Yes. Dead.
PRINCE
And who is Madison?
ALL DWARFS
The princess!
PRINCE
Oh, sorry. Didn’t catch her name. Last time I saw her I was dodging a barrage of arrows.
BASHFUL
Are you her true love?
PRINCE
Of course. I’m a prince, she’s a princess. That’s how these stories work.
HAPPY
Are you going to kiss her?
PRINCE
Kiss a dead body…?
ALL DWARFS
Yes! Yes! Kiss her!
PRINCE
Well, I’ve come this far. Oh, Princess, ne’er was one so fair, For snow white skin and sun drenched hair.
SNEEZY
He’s opening the coffin!
BASHFUL
Oh, gosh! He is givin’ her a kiss!
MADISON
Never without my permission!
HAPPY
She’s alive!
PRINCE
Please let go of my throat.
MADISON
What the hell is going on?!
BASHFUL
We thought you were dead!
DOC
Madison! Why aren’t you dead?
GRUMPY
All right! Which one of you broke into my liquor stash?!
MADISON
That would be me.
GRUMPY
Whoa! She’s alive?
HAPPY Sure is!
GRUMPY
And you drank all my booze?!
PRINCE
Please let go of my throat!
MADISON
Sorry. But you take way too many liberties with women, you creep.
PRINCE
Used to be a prince just needed to be charming and it’d be all hot and cold running princesses.
MADISON
Um… why am I lying in a glass coffin? Anyone?
DOC
We thought you’d been poisoned by the Wicked Queen!
BASHFUL
From a poisoned mocha latte.
SLEEPY
And you’d gone into a sleeping death.
MADISON
No. What’d I’d gone into was Grumpy’s liquor cabinet. After Brad the Barista left I was a little… wound up. So I drank until I passed out.
SNEEZY
But the poison!
MADISON
Please. With what I’ve put into my body over the years, you think a little poison is gonna make a dent?
GRUMPY
So you drank all my liquor?!
MADISON
Yeah. And you guys thought I was dead? Aren’t you a doctor? Did you even check for a pulse?
DOC
I’m not that kind of a doctor. I’m an epidemic– er, academic!
MADISON
A fake doctor.
DOC
I spent a lot of time in school to get that PHD.
MADISON
So how long was I out that you guys put me in a coffin?
HAPPY
Four hours.
MADISON
Four hours? I’ve been passed out for literal days and no one has tried to pull the plug!
PRINCE
Princess, will you not away with me to my castle so we may live happily ever after?
MADISON
I know you’re supposed to be my prince charming and all but, I don’t even know you and you do kinda come off a little rape-y. So, pass.
HAPPY
Does that mean you’ll say here with us?!
ALL DWARFS
Yes! Please stay!
GRUMPY
If she stays, I’m moving out!
ALL DWARFS
Please stay!
MADISON
Well, didn’t you guys kill the Wicked Queen while I was out? So, like, legally I’m Queen now, right?
BASHFUL
Um… not exactly.
MADISON
What do you mean? Doesn’t the crown pass to me?
DOC
Technically, yes.
MADISON
Okay, so, I’ll go back and claim my throne.
SNEEZY
The Queen isn’t… precisely… dead.
HAPPY
But the name “Queen” is dead.
MADISON
What?
BASHFUL
We didn’t kill her.
DOC
But she’s not the queen anymore!
MADISON
What do you mean? Who’s in charge?
SNEEZY
The king!
MADISON
She married someone?
DOC
No… uh… she, or rather “he,” transitioned.
HAPPY
He is much nicer now. Not wicked at all!
GRUMPY
Yeah. I gotta admit. We all like the King.
MADISON
I pass out and wake up in a glass coffin being kissed by a necromaniac–
PRINCE
Hey!
MADISON
And that’s, apparently, not the most bizarre part of this story?
DOC
We’ll explain.
SCENE THIRTEEN
BRAD
Mirror, Mirror on the wall/ Who’s the fairest one of all?
MIRROR
Thou knowest to be true/ The hottest man in town is you.
BRAD
Thank you, Mirror. I’m so glad I was able to make this spell permanent.
MIRROR
You certainly seem more comfortable with yourself.
BRAD
I am. Can I make you another Carmel Macchiato?
MIRROR
Why, thank you, King Brad.
MADISON
Wow. That fairy tale took a woke turn, didn’t it? But everybody lived happily ever after so, I call it a win.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” was originally adapted for the Lux Radio Theatre on December 26th, 1938. At the end of the presentation, Walt Disney, himself, gave a, well, scripted interview with the show’s host. But when asked about how a fairy tale meant for children could appeal cinematically to young and old, I’ll quote exactly what Walt said, “Everybody in the world was once a child. We grow up, our personalities change, but in every one of us, something remains of our childhood. So in planning a new picture, we don’t think of grown-ups and we don’t think of children, but just of that fine clean unspoiled spot down deep in every one of us that maybe the world has made us forget and that maybe our pictures can help recall.” And that’s why we all love Disney movies.