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MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE WIZARD OF OZ”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: OCT 2022
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
This is the story of a girl named Madison, who lives with her aunt and uncle on a farm, way out in Kansas. Her dearest friend is her dog, Toto, but Madison has other friends, too. The farm hands, for instance — Zeke and Hunk and Hickory.
MADISON
Toto! Sit! Stay! Heal! Dammit, dog, why won’t you listen to me?
HICKORY
Hey, what’s your hurry, honey? What’s wrong?
ZEKE
You’re scarin’ ‘im. Maybe if you wasn’t yellin’, he might listen?
HUNK
Don’t tell me Toto’s been chasing Miss Gulch’s cat again.
MADISON
The cat started it. Stop barking!
HUNK
He can’t help it, Madison. Toto is a Cairn Terrier, bred for hundreds of years on the Scottish Highlands to hunt and chase quarry.
MADISON
So?
HUNK
So, you’d be better off following our city’s leash laws if you want to protect Toto from Miss Gulch.
MADISON
Uck! Why do I always have to be law abiding?
HUNK
You just ain’t usin’ your head about that mean, old Miss Gulch. You’d think you didn’t have a brain at all.
MADISON
I don’t have a brain? I’m not the one doing manual labor for a living, farm hand.
ZEKE
That Miss Gulch ain’t nobody to be ‘fraid of. Have a little courage, Madison.
MADISON
Who says I’m afraid of her? If she comes after my dog again, I’m gonna Miracle Whoop her ass.
HICKORY
Courage? Look who’s talkin’. Why, Zeke, there ain’t a man in the county who scares easier ‘n you!
MADISON
Dude, Hickory, you are heartless.
AUNTIE EM
Here now, here! What’s all this jabber-wabbin’ when there’s work to be done? Go feed them hogs!
MADISON
Yeah, get back to work! You just can’t get good help these days, am I right, Em?
AUNTIE EM
And as for you, Madison, I’d thank you not to be bothering the farm hands. Parading around in front of them. Why, look at how you’re dressed!
MADISON
Whatdaya got against “Daisy Dukes?”
AUNTIE EM
And that blouse! Showin’ your… mid-section!
MADISON
Blue gingham tied in a knot. Two pig tails with bows and cowboy boots. This is classic farm girl right here.
AUNTIE EM
The only thing “classic farm” about your appearance is you’ve stepped in pig manure.
MADISON
Dammit! These are five hundred dollar boots!
AUNTIE EM
Well, see that you take ’em off before you come in the house.
MADISON
Wait, Aunt Em! You gotta do something. Miss Gulch says she’s gonna get the sheriff and take Toto away!
AUNTIE EM
She said the same thing about your Uncle Henry. Says she caught him peekin’ in her barn.
MADISON
Ew.
AUNTIE EM
Now, you just help us all out this afternoon. Find yourself a place where you won’t get into any trouble.
MADISON
A place where I won’t get into any trouble? Well, that rules out Vegas. Okay, all of Nevada. Do you suppose there is such a place, Toto? Where there isn’t any trouble? Whoa! Hey! Shut that down!! Are you crazy?! We don’t have the rights to any of the songs from “The Wizard of Oz!” Well, no, we technically don’t have the rights to the story, either. But this is satire. Shut up. You guys all know the song. And if you don’t, what a very sad childhood you must’ve had. So, let’s just skip to the next scene.
SCENE TWO
MISS GULCH
That dog’s a menace to the community!
MADISON
It wasn’t Toto’s fault!
MISS GULCH
I’m taking that animal to the sheriff and make sure he’s destroyed!
MADISON
It’s your fault for having an outdoor cat! That halves their lifespan, ya know!
AUNTIE EM
Madison, calm down.
MADISON
Well, it does! They’re more prone to disease, being hit by a car, or attacked by other animals!
MISS GULCH
My point, exactly! There’s a law protectin’ folks against animals like that dog!
AUNTIE EM
We can’t go against the law, Madison.
UNCLE HENRY
Now, let’s be reasonable, Miss Gulch. What if Madison promises to keep Toto out of your garden?
MISS GULCH
The same way you promised to stay out of my barn?
AUNTIE EM
Henry!
UNCLE HENRY
She’s got a fine heifer!
MADISON
Again. Ew.
MISS GULCH
Give that dog to me!
MADISON
No! I won’t let you take him! I won’t! You’re a bitch! A wicked old bitch!
AUNTIE EM
You mean “witch”?
MADISON
I said what I meant.
AUNTIE EM
Come along, Madison. Give Toto to Miss Gulch.
MISS GULCH
I got him at last! And there’s nothing any of you can do about it!
MADISON
Are you two gonna let that Mega-Karen kill Toto? First it’s the dog. Then she’ll have the cops here checking the immigrant status of your farm hands.
UNCLE HENRY
Madison, try to understand. Miss Gulch is very powerful in these parts.
MADISON
I’m going to my room. You can bring me my dinner there. Make sure the corn isn’t still on the cob. It gets stuck in my teeth.
UNCLE HENRY
That poor girl.
AUNTIE EM
I thought you were gonna stay away from her heifer!
SCENE THREE
MADISON
This royally sucks. I’m stuck living on a farm with my elderly aunt and uncle — no clue what happened to my parents, by the way — it’s super boring, they still have an outhouse, and now that bitch is gonna kill my dog. Toto? Toto! It is you! Let me get the window open. Oh, wait, now I have to get the storm window. Oh! Forgot about the screen. Huh. Even though we’re on the first floor, you have really short legs. No way you could jump through this window. Sorry, but this is a real house, not a soundstage on the MGM lot. Uh… look. End result here is we’re gonna run away together. Let me pack a bag and I’ll meet you out back, okay?
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
It’s getting dark, Toto. And the wind’s picking up. Stupid Kansas. If I was in L.A., I would’ve found a motel by now. Probably one
of those sketchy ones you pay by the hour and get a venereal disease from the toilet seat, but at least we’d have shelter. Toto, look! An old timey circus wagon. What’s it say on the side? “Professor Marvel, acclaimed by the crowned heads of Europe. Let him read your past, present and future in his crystal.” A psychic! I went to one my entire sophomore year in college. Cheaper than therapy and about the same results.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Well! Who might you be?
MADISON
Toto! I’m sure the eccentric old man who lives alone in a wagon
is totally safe for us to talk to out here in the middle of farmland where no one could hear me scream.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
I am Professor Marvel. I know all, and tell all! Your past, present, and future for twenty-five cents, a quarter of a dollar. Two bits, if you prefer.
MADISON
Do I look like I got cash on me?
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Well, if you’re not going to tell me who you are, suppose I tell you.
MADISON
Okay, but don’t you try and guess my weight. I will punch you.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Your name is… Madison, isn’t it?
MADISON
Daymn! Even my nanny called me “Madelyn” for the first year.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
And… you’ve come a very long distance.
MADISON
Oh, definitely. At least a mile by now.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Indeed, yes. My crystal told me you’d be arriving here.
MADISON
That is ah-mazing!
PROFESSOR MARVEL
It absolutely wasn’t the three farm hands who came by looking for you ten minutes ago.
MADISON
Hey! Could we come with you? You need like, a hot young assistant for your act? I was a magician’s assistant once. Bummer he drown during a water escape trick. People kept telling me I was supposed to help him, but I’m like, he’s the magician! I can’t perform magic.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Uh… wait. Wait a moment. I also remember seeing something else in my crystal.
MADISON
Clearly not winning lottery numbers since you live in a wagon.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
No. It was a woman, tears in her eyes, care worn. A woman looking for someone.
MADISON
I have no idea who that could be.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Uh… Someone has broken her heart. Someone she loves very much.
MADISON
Still no clue.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
I saw her put her hand over her heart and drop… drop down to the floor!
MADISON
Did you call 9-1-1?
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Look, why don’t you just go home, kid?
MADISON
You’re right, Toto. We never did eat dinner. Come on, we’re going. Good-bye, Professor, and thank you!
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Don’t waste any time! There’s a windstorm blowing up! Not that she has sense enough to come in out of the rain…
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
Auntie Em?! Uncle Henry?! There’s nobody in the house, Toto! I can’t find anybody! Dammit! They must’ve eaten dinner without
me! Toto! All this wind! What’s happening? It’s a twister!
The house is blowing away! We’re in the house, but the house is
up in the air! We’re caught up in the middle of the cyclone! And I’m totally buy this because I’m from L.A. and we only get earthquakes. Things are flying around so fast! So much flying! Still… flying. Toto, how long do tornadoes usually last? Uh-oh. That can’t be good. We’re falling! Free fallin’! No, we don’t have the copyright for that one, either. Oh, we landed. Man, that did a number on my back. I hope Uncle Henry’s got good home owner’s insurance. Welp, let’s go outside and survey the damage. With any luck, that outhouse got blown into the next county. Look, Toto! It’s a little village with houses and streets and trees! And it’s all in technicolor! Toto, I have a feeling we’re not… on the farm anymore. Psych. Seriously, though, where the heck are we? By all the bright colors and gaudy decorations I’m thinkin’… West Hollywood? I mean, with Judy Garland, that tracks. Toto! Look at that big bubble! O.M.G! There must be a gas leak! We’ll all be poisoned!
GLINDA
Tell me, are you a good witch or a bad witch?
MADISON
The gas bubble produced a woman in a prom dress! We’re gonna die!
GLINDA
Oh, my word, no! Please! Please! Please, stop screaming!
MADISON
Spare my life, gas bubble lady! I have so many TikTok challenges I haven’t done yet!
GLINDA
Please! No one is going to die!
MADISON
Really?
GLINDA
Well, except for her.
MADISON
Her who?
GLINDA
It seems you parked your house on top of the Wicked Witch of the East.
MADISON
Uh… sorry?
GLINDA
Two red slippers protruding from under the farmhouse is all that’s left of her. See?
MADISON
Uh… huh.
GLINDA
Aren’t you curious who’s giggling?
MADISON
Oh, thank god, you can hear it, too. Sometimes, my head… the voices.
GLINDA
Those are the munchkins. You’ve made them very happy, my dear.
MADISON
Munchkins? You mean the doughnut holes from Dunkin Donuts?
GLINDA
No. The little people who live in this land. This is Munchkinland. So tell me, are you a good witch or a bad witch? They’re not gonna come out until they know if you’re the new reign of terror or not.
MADISON
Oh! Uh. Well, I dabbled in Wiccan in high school, but it was mostly just burning incense to cover up the pot.
GLINDA
Not a witch then?
MADISON
Nupe. Madison Standish. From L.A. via Kansas. Hey. Who are you?
GLINDA
I’m Glinda, the Good Witch of the North. You see, good witches are beautiful. Only bad witches are ugly.
MADISON
Oh! So, what? I’m borderline? I’m not beautiful enough for you so you’re like “meh, good, bad, could go either way.”
GLINDA
Well… I…
MADISON
I just got out of a tornado, lady. Excuse me for not looking like a runway model from a bridal shop.
GLINDA
I didn’t mean–
MADISON
An over forty bridal shop, by the look of your wrinkles. If you need a virgin to light a candle, I can’t help you.
GLINDA
Why don’t we just get on with this? Munchkins? Come out, come out wherever you are and meet the young lady… blah, blah, blah.
MUNCHKIN MAYOR
As mayor of the Munchkin City…
GLINDA
Skip it, we’re not doing it.
MAYOR
No?
GLINDA
No.
MUNCHKIN MAYOR
But… the lullaby league and… the lollypop guild–
GLINDA
I said can it, shorty.
MUNCHKIN MAYOR
All right. Somebody’s in a mood. Again. Let the joyous news be spread, the wicked old witch at last is dead!
MUNCHKINS
DING!
GLINDA
NO!
MUNCHKINS
DONG.
MUNCHKIN MAYOR
A cloud of red smoke! And fire! The witch is coming! The Wicked Witch!
MADISON
The Wicked Witch is coming? But I thought she was dead under my house. Ohmahgod! A zombie wicked witch!
GLINDA
It’s her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West. She’s worse than the other one was. And she’s not going to be very happy with you.
MADISON
Me? Why?
WICKED WITCH
SILENCE!
GLINDA
You killed her sister.
WICKED WITCH
Who killed my sister?
GLINDA
She killed your sister.
WICKED WITCH
You killed my sister?!
MADISON
I didn’t mean to kill your sister! It was an accident!
WICKED WITCH
Well, my little pretty, you’re not the only one who can cause accidents!
MADISON
Do you have a suspended driver’s license, too?
GLINDA
Elphaba!
MADISON
That’s not canon to L. Frank Baum.
GLINDA
Aren’t you forgetting the ruby slippers?
WICKED WITCH
The slippers! My sister’s slippers! There they are, still on her feet! Well, I’ll just take them.
MADISON
Wow. Not even a reaction to seeing your sister crushed under a house? Cold.
GLINDA
Just a moment, if you please.
WICKED WITCH
The slippers! They’re gone! What have you done with them?!
GLINDA
There they are, and there they shall stay.
MADISON
What did you do with my five hundred dollar boots?!
WICKED WITCH
You nasty little girl! They’re of no use to you!
MADISON
Fine, here, take ’em. Gimme my boots back.
GLINDA
Stay tight within those slippers, Madison. They must be very powerful, or else she wouldn’t want them so badly.
MADISON
Oh. You mean they’re worth something? Are they made of real rubies?
WICKED WITCH
You stay out of this, Glinda, or I’ll fix you as well!
GLINDA
Rubbish! You have no power here. Begone, before somebody drops a house on you, too.
MADISON
Does that happen here a lot?
WICKED WITCH
Very well, I’ll bide my time! As for you, my fine lady… I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
MADISON
Oh, yeah? Bring it! You witch from the Spirit Halloween bargain bin! Although, her pyrotechnics are bad ass.
GLINDA
It’s all right, Munchkins! She’s gone. Now then, my dear, the sooner you get out of Oz, the safer you’ll sleep.
MADISON
Geez. It’s Orlando all over again.
GLINDA
The only person who might know how to get you home would be the great and wonderful Wizard of Oz himself.
MADISON
You can’t help me? You can’t protect the munchkins from wicked witches, you can’t help get me home… what exactly do you do around here, Glinda?
GLINDA
Well, I could’ve given you a ride on my bubble but now I think the walk will do you good.
MADISON
Walking???
GLINDA
You must go to the Emerald City to find the Wizard.
MADISON
Okay, how do I get there?
GLINDA
Just follow the yellow brick road.
MADISON
Follow the yellow brick road?
GLINDA
Follow the yellow brick road.
MADISON
Follow?
GLINDA
Follow.
MADISON
Follow?
GLINDA
Follow!
MADISON
Follow?
GLINDA
I’m not doing this with you! Just follow the yellow brick road. The munchkins will show you to the border of Munchkinland. I’m outta here.
MADISON
Thanks, I guess?
GLINDA
Yeah, whatever.
MUNCHKINS
Bye! Bye!!
GLINDA
Oh! One more thing. Probably a good idea never to let those ruby slippers off your feet.
MADISON
What? Why?
GLINDA
You’ll be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West. Gotta go!
MADISON
Ohhhh-kay. Well, Toto, I guess we’re off to see the wizard.
MUNCHKIN MAYOR
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz?
MADISON
That remains to be seen. But I’m pretty harsh on my Yelp reviews.
ANNOUNCER
We’ll bring you Act Two of “The Wizard of Oz” after this promo break.
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SIX
ANNOUNCER
We return you now to “The Wizard of Oz.” With the magic slippers on her feet, her dog, Toto, at her heels, and the little Munchkins marching on ahead, Madison is on her way to the Wizard of Oz. They’ve reached the border of Munchkinland, and the little people have waved good-bye and disappeared.
MADISON
The hell? There’s a fork in the road. “Follow the yellow brick road” she says. Got me walkin’ all over Oz in these stupid shoes. If they’re supposed to be magical, why am I getting blisters?
SCARECROW
Pardon me, but that’s a very nice way.
MADISON
Who asked ya?!
MADISON
Shut up, dog! My feet hurt, I don’t need a headache, too.
SCARECROW
On the other hand, that way’s very pleasant, also.
MADISON
I didn’t ask for directions. I’m gonna sit down and rub my feet for a sec. Oh, what, you don’t think she meant I have to keep the shoes on every single minute? Can you imagine how much my feet are gonna stink in coupla days of walking?
SCARECROW
Of course, I’ve known some people to go both ways.
MADISON
So? I’ve gone both ways. Sometimes in the same night.
SCARECROW
Um… you’re not surprised I’m a talking scarecrow?
MADISON
Dude, the munchkins alone have me prepared to expect anything.
SCARECROW
Could you maybe help me down from this post then?
MADISON
Isn’t that your job? You lookin’ to slack off? I mean, I don’t blame you. I used to sneak off and take breaks all the time. Managers are too embarrassed to bother you when you shut yourself in a toilet stall.
SCARECROW
It’s not that. I… I can’t scare a crow. They come from miles around and pick off my straw for their nests. I’m a failure, just because I haven’t got a brain.
MADISON
Failure? Without a brain, you could be president.
SCARECROW
“President”? That sounds important.
MADISON
It is! Why, without a brain…
You could build a golden tower
Enjoy a golden shower
Eating big macs in your plane
Important docs you’d be snatchin’
At your golf course you could stash ’em
If you didn’t have a brain!
SCARECROW
Well… All the same, I think I’d like a brain.
MADISON
Suit yourself. But with a head full of straw, where I come from, you could be rich and powerful.
SCARECROW
Where do you come from?
MADISON
Kansas. Temporarily. I’m actually from L.A… it’s a long story. Toto and I are going to Emerald City to get the Wizard of Oz to help us get back there.
SCARECROW
A wizard? Do you think, if I went along, he could give me some brains?
MADISON
No clue. But there’s this whole thing with a witch comin’ after me. You might be safer with the crows.
SCARECROW
I’m not afraid of a witch. I’m not afraid of anything! ‘Cept maybe a lighted match.
MADISON
Me, it’s peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth. I think I look like Mr. Ed struggling to have a conversation.
SCARECROW
So… will you take me with you?
MADISON
Sure, I guess. But, how can you get down from that post?
SCARECROW
That’s a sight gag. We’re going to skip it for radio.
MADISON
Works for me. We’re off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
SCARECROW
We hear he is a whiz of a Wiz, if ever a Wiz there was.
MADISON
Where’d ya hear that?
SCARECROW
The crows gossip.
SCENE SEVEN
SCARECROW
Well, yes, it does sound like your boyfriend wasn’t fair for asking you to his ex-girlfriend’s party, but maybe you weren’t fair asking him never to speak to her again when they were only friends.
MADISON
If you’re siding with him, clearly you don’t have a brain.
SCARECROW
Madison! Look over there! It’s a man! A man made out of tin and holdin’ an axe. Come on!
MADISON
Dude! It’s a steampunk robot.
TIN MAN
Ooooiiiillll ccccaaaannnnn.
SCARECROW
I think he just tried to say something.
TIN MAN
Ooooiiiillll ccccaaaannnnn.
MADISON
He said “oil can.” In college, I was a translator for drunk frat boys. I can also translate drunk sorority girls trying to talk while crying.
SCARECROW
Look! There’s an oil can right over there!
MADISON
Convenient.
SCARECROW
I’ll oil his mouth first. See if that’ll help.
TIN MAN
Ooooooohhhhhhhh, my goodness. Ooooh! Oh, bliss! I can talk again!
MADISON
Okay, loosen up those facial muscles. Do some mouth warm ups. “Red leather, yellow leather.”
TIN MAN
Red leather… yellow leather…
SCARECROW
Here, I’ll oil your arms and elbows, too!
TIN MAN
Ohhh, yes! Oh, that’s wonderful! Wonderful! Oh, yes! Yes!
MADISON
Ew. I think you’re turning him on.
SCARECROW
He’s just so stiff!
MADISON
Maybe I should leave you two alone.
TIN MAN
Oh, what a relief!
MADISON
All right, let’s move on from this before we’re not suitable for general audiences.
TIN MAN
It’s just, I’ve held this axe up for ages!
SCARECROW
How did you ever get like this in the first place?
TIN MAN
Well, about a year ago, I was chopping that tree, when suddenly it began to rain. I rusted so solid, I haven’t been able to move since.
MADISON
Sounds like a serious design flaw.
TIN MAN
You think that’s a design flaw, just bang on my chest. Go ahead, bang on it.
MADISON
Nice bass.
TIN MAN
You see? Empty. The tinsmith forgot to give me a heart.
MADISON
What does a robot need with a heart?
TIN MAN
Believe me, not having a heart, well, presents problems. When a man’s an empty kettle–
MADISON
You wanna talk empty? You should meet my ex-boyfriend.
SCARECROW
I still think he was within his rights to speak to his ex- girlfriend.
TIN MAN
That’s my point! To register emotion, jealousy–
SCARECROW
Jealousy! That’s it. You’re jealous.
MADISON
No, I’m not! He was a jerk!
TIN MAN
I’d be tender, I’d be gentle, and awful sentimental–
MADISON
Yeah, that’s what they all say in the beginning.
SCARECROW
This really sounds like a “you” problem.
TIN MAN
I could be kinda human if I only had a heart!
MADISON
Oh! I get it. You’re like Data and want an emotion chip. Careful what you wish for.
SCARECROW
Say! Why don’t you come along with us to the Emerald City? Then you could ask the Wizard of Oz for a heart.
TIN MAN
But suppose he wouldn’t give me one when we got there.
MADISON
I’m sure he will if he’s got one in stock.
SCARECROW
Please come with us! Listening to Madison complain has made this a very long journey.
WICKED WITCH
Ha! You call that long? Why, you’ve just begun!
SCARECROW
Who’s that?!
MADISON
Remember I mentioned that witch?
WICKED WITCH
Well, my two fine gentlemen, helping the little lady along, are you? You should stay away from her! Or I’ll stuff a mattress with you, you straw man! And you! I’ll use that tin carcass for a beehive!
MADISON
“Beehive”? That’s the best you can come up with? I woulda gone like, deep fryer. Oh, yeah. Like one of the ones you can fry a whole turkey in?
TIN MAN
Please don’t give her any suggestions!
WICKED WITCH
Wanna play ball, Scarecrow? Here! Catch!
MADISON
Dude! She just cast a level 3 fireball spell! Scarecrow, you’re gonna need to take a DEX Save or risk the brunt of 8d6 Fire Damage!
TIN MAN
Stand still! Stand still! I’ll stamp out the fire with my tin feet! There! It’s out.
SCARECROW
Madison, I’ll see that you get safely to the Wizard now, whether I get a brain or not! Stuff a mattress with me? Hah!
TIN MAN
And I’ll see that you reach the Wizard whether I get a heart or not!
MADISON
Aw! You guys are like, the gay best friends in every 90s movie.
SCARECROW
Then… to Oz?
TIN MAN
To Oz!
MADISON
Come on and ease on down, ease on down the road…
TIN MAN
What?
SCARECROW
Just… follow her.
MADISON
Get ’em up, goin’ down, ease on down! Get ’em up, goin’ down, ease on down!
SCENE EIGHT
SCARECROW
Uh, does anybody happen to know where we are?
TIN MAN
That’s easy. We’re in a forest.
MADISON
What tipped you off? The trees?
SCARECROW
Well, I don’t like it. It’s so dark and creepy!
TIN MAN
That’s because it’s full of wild animals.
MADISON
Wild animals?
TIN MAN
Yes. Mostly lions and tigers and bears.
MADISON
Lions?
SCARECROW
And tigers?
TIN MAN
And bears.
MADISON
Oh… come on. Maybe bears, but lions live in the Sahara desert and tigers live pretty much every place except forests. Jungles maybe, but…
SCARECROW
Of course I don’t know, but in a world where you have a talking scarecrow and a tin woodsman, maybe lions and tigers could live in a forest?
MADISON
Fine. But it’s this kind of misinformation that confuses children. Toto! Get back here! Uh… sit! Stay! I gotta get that dog into an obedience class.
TIN MAN
He’s chasing after something in that bush!
SCARECROW
I think it’s… it’s… a lion!
MADISON
A lion’s a lot bigger than Miss Gulch’s cat, huh, Toto? That’ll teach ya!
SCARECROW
P-p-perhaps we should… run?
COWARDLY LION
C’mon, c’mon! Put ’em up! Put ’em up! I’ll fight you with one paw tied behind my back! I’ll fight you standin’ on one foot! Stand up and fight! I’ll swallow you first, you little peewee!
MADISON
Hey! Back off, lion! No one eats my dog. Except for that chihuahua I was dog sitting. Man, those coyotes come outta no where.
COWARDLY LION
What did you have to slap me for? I didn’t bite him!
SCARECROW
The lion! He’s… crying.
COWARDLY LION
Is my nose bleedin’?
MADISON
No, it’s not bleeding. Oh, god, there’s snot. Can you guys deal with him?
TIN MAN
Pull yourself together, lion! You’re nothing but a big coward.
COWARDLY LION
You’re right, I am a coward. I haven’t any courage at all!
Yes, it’s sad, believe me, Missy,
When you’re born to be a sissy–
MADISON
Okay, I’m gonna cut you off right there.
TIN MAN
He should show his prowess.
SCARECROW
Be a lion, not a mow-ess!
MADISON
Yeah, that’s toxic masculinity.
COWARDLY LION
I’m afraid there’s no denyin’
I’m just a dandy lion–
MADISON
No, no, stop! Look, if you want to get more courage, that’s your choice. But you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, okay?
COWARDLY LION
But… I don’t know how to get any courage.
SCARECROW
Do you suppose the Wizard would help him, too?
TIN MAN
Yes! Why don’t you come with us, Lion? I’m sure the Wizard could give you some courage.
COWARDLY LION
Wouldn’t you feel degraded to be seen in the company of a cowardly lion? I would!
MADISON
Geez. What you really need is some self-esteem.
TIN MAN
Come on! We’re off to see the Wizard!
SCARECROW
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!
COWARDLY LION
Who?
MADISON
We’ll fill you in on the way.
SCENE NINE
MADISON
Dude, look! It’s Emerald City! Wow, they really embraced the color green, didn’t they?
SCARECROW
But how do we get in? This wall goes all around everything.
GATEKEEPER
It most certainly does!
COWARDLY LION
Who said that?
TIN MAN
Look! At the top of the wall!
MADISON
Who are you?
GATEKEEPER
That’s my question. Who are you?
TIN MAN
If you’ll let us in, we’ll be glad to tell you.
GATEKEEPER
“Let you in”? “Let you in”?? Yeah, sure, okay. Open the gates of Emerald City! All right! Enough of that! Can’t hear myself think. Go on now, state your business.
MADISON
Oh, uh… we’re here to see the Wizard.
GATEKEEPER
The Wizard? Oh, no, but nobody can see the Great Oz! Nobody’s ever seen the Great Oz. Even I have never seen him!
MADISON
Well, no offense but, aren’t you just a rent-a-cop?
GATEKEEPER
What did you say?!
TIN MAN
Uh, the Good Witch of the North sent her here!
SCARECROW
Yes! Look, she’s wearing the ruby slippers she gave her!
COWARDLY LION
Maybe we should just leave? Actually, I’m good with staying.
GATEKEEPER
The Wicked Witch of the West! What is she doing here!
TIN MAN
Look! She’s skywriting!
SCARECROW
Letters of black smoke all across the sky!
COWARDLY LION
What does it… what does it say?
MADISON
Su… surr… Oh! “Surrender Madison.” Wait. Is she telling you to surrender me, or for me to surrender. Seems like she’s missing a comma. See, this is why punctuation is so important.
GATEKEEPER
Madison? Who’s Madison?
MADISON
S’up.
GATEKEEPER
You’re the Witch’s Madison?
MADISON
Yah.
TIN MAN
She is the Witch’s Madison.
SCARECROW
You must let us see the Wizard!
COWARDLY LION
I’ll just wait out here.
TIN MAN
We’re all going. All four of us! Okay, technically five.
GATEKEEPER
All right! All right! I’ll get you to the Wizard. Go in there.
COWARDLY LION
Ain’t ya comin’, too?
GATEKEEPER
Not me!
MADISON
All right, then, uh. Follow the green tile floor?
SCARECROW
Huh?
MADISON
Isn’t that how you people give directions around here?
TIN MAN
Let’s go!
COWARDLY LION
I’m closin’ my eyes. Just tell me when it’s all over!
WIZARD OF OZ
SILENCE!
MADISON
Whoa! This room’s got some acoustics!
WIZARD OF OZ
I am Oz! The great and powerful!
MADISON
Dude! Light show with pyrotechnics! You guys wanna drop some acid? I think I got some in that basket I’ve been carrying.
WIZARD OF OZ
SILENCE!
SCARECROW
M-m-maybe you should listen to him, Madison?
TIN MAN
And, perhaps… shut up?
MADISON
I’m just sayin’, I think we’re missing out on the full experience.
WIZARD OF OZ
You! Tin Man!
TIN MAN
Y-y-yes, your honor?
WIZARD OF OZ
Clinking and clattering for a heart! And you!
SCARECROW
Me, Your Wizardry?
WIZARD OF OZ
A billowing bale of bovine breakfast food begging for a brain! And you, Lion!
COWARDLY LION
Oooooooooh!
MADISON
Nice one, Wizard. Male lions weigh between three and five hundred pounds. So I hope you got some guys in the back there who can carry him out, because I’m not liftin’ him!
WIZARD OF OZ
SILENCE! You, girl, who just wants to go home to Kansas.
MADISON
You can drop me in L.A. if that’s more convenient.
WIZARD OF OZ
The beneficent Oz has every intention of granting your requests! So, don’t push it.
TIN MAN
You do?
SCARECROW
Oh, thank you, Your Wizardness!
WIZARD OF OZ
But you must first prove worthy!
MADISON
Whatdaya got in mind?
WIZARD OF OZ
Bring me the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West!
TIN MAN
But if we do that… Why, we’ll have to kill her to get it!
SCARECROW
And… what if she kills us first?
WIZARD OF OZ
That really seems like more of a “you” problem. The Great and Powerful Oz has spoken!
COWARDLY LION
Oh… what’d I miss?
TIN MAN
C’mon! We’re heading for the Witch’s castle!
SCARECROW
And we’ll get that broomstick!
MADISON
Sure. I’ve already killed one witch. Let’s go for two.
ANNOUNCER
In just a few moments, we’ll bring you Act Three of “The Wizard of Oz.”
PROMO BREAK
SCENE TEN
ANNOUNCER
And now the final act of our presentation of “The Wizard of Oz.” Well, if Madison is ever to get back home to Kansas–
MADISON
I’d still prefer L.A.!
SCARECROW
And if I’m ever to have a brain.
TIN MAN
And me a heart.
COWARDLY LION
And me, courage!
ANNOUNCER
Then Madison must first get the broomstick of the Wicked Witch and bring it back to the Wizard of Oz. But if the Wizard knows everything, the Wicked Witch, unfortunately, knows quite a lot herself. Now, in her bleak and dismal castle, the witch gloats over a newly-captured prisoner.
WICKED WITCH
Excuse me for laughing, but it was so easy to capture you, that I can’t help it.
MADISON
We’re skippin’ the flying monkeys scene? I love the flying monkeys scene.
WICKED WITCH
I don’t have any flying monkeys. The ASPCA has been on my ass about them, so I had to turn them over to the Oz zoo.
MADISON
Oh. Sorry to hear that.
WICKED WITCH
I tried to explain I conjured them up from a spell but now they’re being used in a breeding program to return some to the wild, so… Okay, where was I? I want those magic ruby slippers! Give them to me!
MADISON
Not a chance. I hear collectors are willing to pay millions for the ruby slippers so, back off, witch!
WICKED WITCH
Fool that I am, I should know the slippers will never come off as long as you’re alive!
MADISON
Pardon?
WICKED WITCH
Ahhhh! Now, how shall I do it?
MADISON
Ha, ha. Ya, know, these have been worn. I’m sure they’re not worth that much. You can have ’em.
WICKED WITCH
I think I’ll make up a special batch of poison. Yes! That ought to do it! Some nice, fresh poison!
MADISON
I’m not entirely surprised I’m dying over a pair of shoes. I just envisioned it happening during a close-out sale at Nordstrom Rack.
SCENE ELEVEN
TIN MAN
Look! The witch’s castle!
SCARECROW
It’s so big! How will we ever find Madison in there?
COWARDLY LION
It’s Toto!
TIN MAN
He must’ve escaped from the Wicked Witch and come back here to find us!
SCARECROW
That’s the only explanation, since they didn’t mention him at all in the last scene.
COWARDLY LION
Oh, we’re goners now! He’ll lead the witch’s guards right here, to our hidin’ place!
TIN MAN
No, no! He’s come to take us to Madison!
SCARECROW
We can’t fail her now! We can’t!
COWARDLY LION
I’ll go! Witch or no witch, guards or no guards, I’ll tear ’em apart! I’ll knock ’em cold!
SCARECROW
Oh, Lion, that’s wonderful.
COWARDLY LION
There’s only one thing I want you fellas to do!
TIN MAN
What’s that?
COWARDLY LION
Talk me out of it!
SCARECROW
All right. The witch’s guards are heavily armed and the witch can perform magic, so there’s no way you’ll survive.
TIN MAN
Scarecrow!
SCARECROW
Hey, it’s the first time I’ve actually scared anyone!
TIN MAN
Bar is kinda low, don’t you think? C’mon! Toto will lead the way!
SCENE TWELVE
SCARECROW
This is the room. Toto sniffed her out.
TIN MAN
Madison, are you in there?
COWARDLY LION
Nobody else is concerned that we didn’t run across a single guard on the way up here? That the draw bridge was completely unprotected?
SCARECROW
Oh, stop your worrying!
TIN MAN
Madison?
MADISON
Oh, thank, god. I really gotta pee.
TIN MAN
Stand back! I’ll use my axe and chop down the door!
COWARDLY LION
But that’ll make noise! What about the witch’s guards?
SCARECROW
Oh, who cares about guards?
COWARDLY LION
You will when they’re feeding you to their horses.
MADISON
Hurry up! Oh… am I regretting drinking those sodas.
COWARDLY LION
What about the witch? What if she hears us?
SCARECROW
Lion, don’t make me regret bringing you.
MADISON
Oh, thank you guys so much. Did you see which way the bathroom was?
WICKED WITCH
Going so soon?
MADISON
Gah! You know, it’s not a good idea to surprise someone with a full bladder.
WICKED WITCH
Why, my little party’s just about to begin. Guards, seize them! Seize them!
COWARDLY LION
Didn’t I tell ya? Didn’t I tell ya!
WICKED WITCH
Thought you were being pretty foxy, eh? Now I’ve got the whole lot of you. The last to go will see the first three go before her. And your mangy little dog, too!
MADISON
Even the dog? Geez. I can see why the ASPCA is after you.
WICKED WITCH
Let’s see… how about a little fire, Scarecrow! Another fireball!
SCARECROW
No! No! Not fire! Help! I’m burning! I’m burning!
MADISON
I’ll help you! I’ll use this bucket of water that’s been conveniently left out here in the corridor!
WICKED WITCH
Water! No! No! Don’t throw that water!
MADISON
Okay, now I really have to pee.
WICKED WITCH
Ohhhh! You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! I’m melting! Melting!
MADISON
That really seems like more of a “you” problem.
WICKED WITCH
Ohhh, what a world, what a world! Who would have thought that a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness? I’m going…
MADISON
That was just like my grandma on her death bed. Except with tons of profanity. Grandma had a mouth.
CAPTAIN
She’s dead. You’ve killed her.
MADISON
Okay, to be fair, I think I should share the blame with whoever left this bucket of water lying around. I mean, if getting splashed by water literally could kill me, then rule number one in my house: no one leaves random buckets of water lying around!
CAPTAIN
Hail to Madison! The Wicked Witch of the West is dead!
GUARDS
Hail, Madison! Hail, Madison!
MADISON
Oh! Okay. Cool. Hail me.
SCARECROW
Madison, ask him.
MADISON
Ask him? Oh, right. Which way to the bathroom?
TIN MAN
I think Scarecrow meant the broomstick.
MADISON
Oh, and can we have her broomstick?
CAPTAIN
Please! And take it with you.
MADISON
Yeah, taking it with us was kinda the point. We weren’t planning on coming back to visit it later.
SCARECROW
We’ve got the broomstick!
COWARDLY LION
The Wicked Witch is dead!
TIN MAN
Onward to Emerald City!
MADISON
But first… Captain?
CAPTAIN
Oh, third door on the left.
SCENE THIRTEEN
WIZARD OF OZ
Can I believe my eyes? Why have you come back?
SCARECROW
Please, Your Royal Wizardry! We did ask you asked.
TIN MAN
We brought you the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West.
COWARDLY LION
She’s dead.
MADISON
We totally melted her. She’s all “what a world, what a world” Awesome.
WIZARD OF OZ
Ah… You liquidated her, eh?
MADISON
Yeah! We liquidated her ass-ets!
SCARECROW
So, we’d like you to keep your promise.
WIZARD OF OZ
Not so fast! I have to give the matter a little thought. Go away and come back tomorrow.
MADISON
Oh, hell, no. I have killed two witches today. Do you want to add a wizard?
WIZARD OF OZ
Do not arouse the wrath of the Great and Powerful Oz! I said come back tomorrow!
SCARECROW
If you were really Great and Powerful, you’d keep your promises.
MADISON
Toto, get back here!
WIZARD OF OZ
Do not presume to criticize the Great and Powerful Oz! Oh! The Great Oz has spoken! Oh! Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!
MADISON
Dude. Not since Milli Vanilli, and every single auto-tuned performer since, have I felt this betrayed.
SCARECROW
Why you — you humbug!
MADISON
People use that term outside of “A Christmas Carol”?
TIN MAN
You deceived us!
COWARDLY LION
You lied to us!
MADISON
You suck.
WIZARD OF OZ
Oh, no, my dear. I just suck at being a wizard.
SCARECROW
What about the heart you promised the Tin Man? And the courage you promised the lion?
COWARDLY LION
And the scarecrow’s brain?
WIZARD OF OZ
Well, anybody can have a brain. That’s a very mediocre commodity.
MADISON
It’s true. Trying working customer service.
WIZARD OF OZ
Back where I come from, we have great universities where men go.
MADISON
Notice he doesn’t say “women” because this was written in 1900 and still being supported in 1939.
WIZARD OF OZ
When the men come out, they think deep thoughts. And with no more brains than you have.
SCARECROW
They do?
WIZARD OF OZ
But they have one thing you haven’t got — a diploma. Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitatus Committee-um E-pluribus unum, I hereby confer upon you the honorary degree of “T-H-D.”
MADISON
Dude! You making him a pot dealer?
WIZARD OF OZ
No, my dear, that’s “T-H-C”. This is “T-H-D,” Doctor of Thinkology. I just made it up, go with it. Here’s your diploma.
SCARECROW
The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
MADISON
That’s a right triangle.
SCARECROW
It is?
MADISON
Musta got that diploma from a state school.
WIZARD OF OZ
And as for you, my fine feline friend, you are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You’re confusing courage with wisdom.
MADISON
With liquid courage I have a lot of wisdom. I just can’t remember it the next day.
WIZARD OF OZ
Back where I come from, we have men who are called heroes, yet they have no more courage than you have. But they do have one thing that you haven’t got — a medal.
COWARDLY LION
A medal?
WIZARD OF OZ
Therefore, for meritorious conduct and conspicuous bravery against Wicked Witches, I award you the Triple Cross.
MADISON
That’s not a triple cross. That’s just a regular cross.
SCARECROW
The Triple Cross!
TIN MAN
Wow! The Triple Cross!
MADISON
It’s a single cross. Triple means three.
WIZARD OF OZ
You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!
COWARDLY LION
Look! My metal! It says, “Courage.” Aw, shucks, folks. I’m speechless.
WIZARD OF OZ
As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don’t know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable.
MADISON
That is so deep. You could write memes.
TIN MAN
I still want one.
WIZARD OF OZ
Well, back where I come from, there are men who do nothing all day but good deeds. They are called phila-phila-phila–
MADISON/SCARECROW/TIN MAN/COWARDLY LION
Philanthropists.
WIZARD OF OZ
Good deed doers. And their hearts are no bigger than yours. But they have one thing you haven’t got — a testimonial. Therefore, in consideration of your kindness, I present you with this small token of our esteem and affection.
TIN MAN
Listen, it ticks! My heart even ticks!
MADISON
It’s a ticking time bomb!!!
MADISON/SCARECROW/TIN MAN/COWARDLY LION
Ahhh!!!
WIZARD OF OZ
No, no, no! It’s a clock! Oh, my word.
MADISON/SCARECROW/TIN MAN/COWARDLY LION
Phew.
SCARECROW
I shoulda thought of that!
WIZARD OF OZ
Yes, well, we can’t expect to hit it out of the park every time. Now remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
MADISON
It’s all a popularity contest.
SCARECROW
Hey! What about Madison?
TIN MAN
Yes, how about Madison?
COWARDLY LION
Yeah, Madison next.
MADISON
You got some airline tickets in there, or…?
WIZARD OF OZ
No, I’m sorry, my dear. I don’t see how I can help you.
SCARECROW
Why don’t you take her to Kansas yourself?
WIZARD OF OZ
What? Leave Oz? Are you out of your newly acquired mind? These people treat me like a god. Why would I want to return to the Midwest?
MADISON
Now I’ll never get home. That’s just great.
COWARDLY LION
You… uh… could stay with us, Madison.
SCARECROW
Lion! Heh, heh… yes. You can stay here. Right… Tin Man?
TIN MAN
I hear Munchkinland is nice this time of year.
MADISON
No, this is great! We could share an apartment here in Emerald City. I hear they sleep till noon, go to work by one, break for lunch, then by two they’re done. Finally a work schedule I could keep to.
SCARECROW
Look! Here’s someone who could help you!
TIN MAN
It’s Glinda, the Good Witch of the North!
SCARECROW
Oh, joy! Rapture!
MADISON
Oh, no, the prom queen again.
GLINDA
Hello, everyone.
TIN MAN
Can you help her?
SCARECROW
Please, please say you can help her.
GLINDA
She doesn’t need my help any longer. She’s always had the power to go back to Kansas.
MADISON
Good to know. Okay, wherever we live, I need my own bathroom. Lion, do you use a litter box, or…?
GLINDA
Didn’t you hear me? I said you always had the power to go back to Kansas.
MADISON
Yeah, got it. Wizard, you got leads on real estate listings?
GLINDA
Madison, you can’t stay here.
MADISON
Why not? I’ve learned that if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, that I should never look back. Family just gets in the way.
GLINDA
That’s what you’ve learned?
MADISON
Oh! And always make sure to have your pets spayed or neutered.
GLINDA
That has nothing to do with… C’mon, lets get on with this. The Good Witch of the South is expecting me for Sweet Tea.
MADISON
Do I have to?
SCARECROW/TIN MAN/COWARDLY LION
Yes!
GLINDA
Hurry up, say your goodbyes.
MADISON
Fine. Later, guys.
SCARECROW/TIN MAN/COWARDLY LION
Bye!
MADISON
All right, let’s hit it. Where’s the dog? So, how does this work?
GLINDA
Your magic slippers will take you home in two seconds. Now, close your eyes and tap your heels together three times and think to yourself, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
MADISON
Okay, let me give it a shot. Heels click three times… “There’s no place like –” You sure I can’t stay?
ALL
NO!
MADISON
But it’s Kansas. It’s all dirt and farmland and… sepia.
GLINDA
Try it from the top. “There’s no place like home…”
MADISON
There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…
SCENE FOURTEEN
MADISON
There’s no place like home… there’s no place like home…
AUNTIE EM
Madison? Madison! Wake up!
MADISON
Huh? Wha…?
AUNTIE EM
It’s Aunt Em. Henry, look, she’s openin’ her eyes.
UNCLE HENRY
Madison, how ya feelin’?
MADISON
Ugh… my head is splitting.
HICKORY
Got into the moonshine again, did she?
ZEKE
We was worried about cha!
HUNK
Your Aunt Em had us lookin’ all over the county for you. Off the clock.
PROFESSOR MARVEL
Hello, there! I just dropped by because I heard the little girl got caught in the big cyclone.
UNCLE HENRY
Got a bad knock on the head, Professor Marvel, but she’s comin’ around now.
AUNTIE EM
She’s been dreaming.
MADISON
No, it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you… and you were there.
AUNTIE EM
Oh, wonderful, she’s dreamin’ about the help.
MADISON
Doesn’t anybody believe me? Where’s Toto? He believes me!
AUNTIE EM
Well, honey, don’t you remember? Miss Gulch took Toto to be destroyed.
UNCLE HENRY
He ran away from her, but she came back and got him while you were sleepin’.
MADISON
What?!
AUNTIE EM
Now get up. You’ve slept near half the day away. And all you boys, get back to work! Go on! You, too, Henry.
MADISON
Yup. There’s no place like home. Oh, like we were gonna kill off Toto? Worst ending of a Wizard of Oz adaptation ever! Although I am still in Kansas. Let me try… There’s no place like L.A., there’s no place like L.A….
EPILOGUE
MADISON
The Lux Radio Theater, named for its sponsor, Lux soap, first premiered in 1934 on NBC, and is remembered as the most popular and longest running radio anthology series of the Golden Age of Radio. The showcase originally focused on radio adaptations of Broadway plays, but eventually moved to adaptations of popular films of the era. The hour-long show would often feature the stars from the original movies, and the Lux presentation of “The Wizard of Oz” was no exception. Premiering on December 25th, 1950, Judy Garland, then age twenty-eight, revived her most famous role as a Christmas Day treat for children. The announcer interviews Judy at the end of the show where she tells him she’s brought along her four year old daughter, Liza.